Dearth

by Amethyst_Dawn

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Discord, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance, Comedy, Pinkie Pie
Length: 4368

Discord has a problem. Twilight knows what the problem is, even if Discord doesn't. This should be fun.

Over the years, Discord has become a great friend to all of the Elements, and several ponies beyond their clique. However, he thinks he might be getting sick when he notices something about himself.

When Discord summons Twilight to talk, the poor Alicorn has no idea what she's in for.

It's only natural for chaos to ensue. But when the second most chaotic being in the universe joins in, nopony is safe from confusion.

[Rated T for brief harsh language]

Published 2017-10-19 21:50:11 UTC
Last updated 2017-10-19 21:50:11 UTC

A Dearth of Sense, not of Love

Twilight rubbed her cranium with a tired moan as the morning light pounded against her eyelids. She would've sworn that she closed the blinds last night, though she supposed Spike was being a good and responsible assistant by trying to wake her up…

… jerk.

“Not yet, Spike.” She grunted, waving her hoof dismissively. This action proved to be entirely shortsighted as it sent her tumbling. Twilight braced for the inevitable impact of her face making the floor’s acquaintance… and felt nothing?

Still prepared for impact, she checked her senses: yup, she was hurtling through the air. Strange thing was, she couldn't tell which way she was going. It felt like she was falling, but the lightened air pressure made her being in the stratosphere a serious consideration. Bravely, she decided to open her eyes to settle the debate.

Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship, Peacekeeper of Ponyville, Prodigy of the Goddesses, Memorizer of the entire Canterlot Library of Math and Science, and Superior Mind on Matters of Magical Miscreants opened her eyes…

… and had absolutely no clue what the hell she was looking at.

Everything was white. Bright as daylight, but just whiteness. For a moment she thought she'd gone blind, but she could clearly see her hooves, wings, and pretty much everything else she could usually see. Each part of her had even retained its color. Everything around her was just… white.

Her mind swam as frantically as she did in her desperate attempt to make sense of anything. Nothing was solid, everything was fluid. She wasn’t even sure how far she could see, because there was nothing to see...

“Well, that’s peculiar.”

… but apparently there was something to hear.

Twilight looked forward, and blinked again. There wasn’t really anything else she could do, since the sight in front of her explained everything perfectly. Right in front of her, maybe a dozen feet away, Discord was sitting in a plush red chair. He was bespectacled with a bright gold pair of glasses, wore a long, crimson bathrobe, and even held the Ponyville Gazette in his forearms.

Oh, and his chair was also at the strangest angle from Twilight’s perspective. She felt like a spider who’d found that comfortable spot in that corner where the wall and ceiling meet, and no flyswatter has ever reached. Much to her chagrin, she could understand why Discord was the one staring at her like she’d grown another head.

“I wasn’t expecting you here until this afternoon!”

Nevermind. She had no idea.

“What?”

Discord’s brow rose higher. “This afternoon? I thought we set up an appointment.”

“I--… I don’t remember any discussion of that nature..?”

Higher. “Who was I talking to last night, then?”

“I don’t… know?”

They eyebrow then proceeded to peel straight off of Discord’s face, stick out two arms- both carrying briefcases -tip a fedora that was apparently on top of it, and walk off into the void. Twilight watched as it opened a small door, where it was quickly joined by another eyebrow, and two smaller eyebrows. Despite none of them having eyes themselves, it was a very tearful and emotional reunion, and the first clump of hair proudly displayed the colorful medals on its camouflage uniform- when did it put that on? -and walked in with the rest of the family in tow.

Twilight would’ve been moved if she knew what the fuck just happened. She settled for looking back to Discord, who was now missing both eyebrows. She didn’t dare ask where the other one went.

“What is this place?” She asked, trying her best to remain calm.

Discord chuckled cryptically. “If ponies could understand that, I wouldn’t use this place as often as I do.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means that this place is so separate from our own reality that even I don’t really know why it’s here, nor how it got here.” Discord said offhandedly, as if he’d just been asked to explain how butter was made. “I like to call it ‘The Void’, but that sounds so cliche, don’t you think? I swear I’ve been racking my brain for an an answer, and I just can't bring myself to find one...” With a snap of his fingers he summoned a large shelf: each compartment stacked full of glass aquariums, and each aquarium containing a different brain. He leaned forward, and eyed them all carefully. “... Which is unfortunate, because I can never remember which brain is mine.”

“I… see..?” Twilight offered. “Well, if you weren't expecting me here until later… how did I get here?”

“Maybe the Power Cosmic decided to send you early?” Discord shrugged, dismissing the rack and looking back to his newspaper, flopping back into the chair with a velvety pomf. “I don't have control over all chaos, you know.”

“No no,” Twilight groaned, “I guess what I’m asking is… why am I here?”

Discord fidgeted in place. Not a good sign, Discord was never nervous. He was sweating bullets, and that wasn’t a metaphor: tens of tiny journals dripped from his face, possibly containing the secrets of the multiverse and the keys to unlocking immortality, or the recipe for a fruitcake ponies could actually tolerate. Twilight didn’t care, however. The fact that a being that could manipulate anything that could be conceived is having an attack of nerves was at the forefront of her mind. What could he possibly have to be nervous about?

“I.. wanted to talk with you…” the draconequus began slowly. “About a, uhm… mutual friend.”

Twilight blinked.

’What,’

“You see, I…” Discord paused, and smacked himself. “I can’t believe I’m saying this… Twilight Sparkle, I have a friendship problem.”

Blink.

“What,”

Discord dissolved the lounge furniture with a snap of his claw, immediately reaching up to rap on Twilight’s forehead playfully with his claw.

“Helloooo~?” He sang, “anypony home? I’m asking for your help, plain and simple.”

Twilight was conflicted with quite the complex slew of emotions, mostly confusion and excitement. She managed to keep her cool somehow, in spite of her instincts, and gave the impatient Draconequus a level gaze.

“As unexpected as this is, I’m always happy to help.” She affirmed with a polite nod, before glaring at him. “Of course, I usually prefer some semblance of forewarning beforehand...”

Discord grabbed onto a crank with both forearms, and turned it until he was rotated in the same plane as her. Or vice versa, Twilight couldn’t tell who was actually moving. Still, the gesture was appreciated: it wasn’t often Discord went out of his way to satisfy ponies’ love of natural angles. Twilight had to admit that he was growing more considerate with each day, probably an effect of how much time he spends with the Element of Kindness. She would say it made him a better friend, but even she had to admit his chaotic antics had a degree of charm to them.

The situation got stranger, however, when Discord summoned what looked like a decent living room setup: two plush chairs- with small trays for snacks and a cupholder on each -and a large, blue futon couch. He casually assumed his place on the futon, perching like a tired lion who had found a particularly pleasant rock.

“Well, Twilight?” He deadpanned. “Shall we… ugh… talk?”

Twilight gave him a patient smile, and waved her hoof around. “I’d like to, but… I can’t move.”

Discord stared at her, his entire face flattening into an irritated line that proceeded to give her the one-feather salute. With a sigh of annoyance, he flapped his mismatched wings.

“Oh…” Twilight blushed, turning her head to look at her own back. “Right, these.” She tried flapping them, only to send herself tumbling again.

“You’ve managed to know the contents of the entire Canterlot library by heart, yet somehow you constantly forget that you have wings?” Discord said with a harsh laugh. “What would your mother say?” In a flash, his face went white as a sheet, and his mane became long and prismatic. He only resembled Celestia in the vaguest sense of the term as he talked in a high-pitched whine.

“Why, my faithful student. Have you not yet learned about--”

“You do know Celestia’s not my mother, right?” Twilight deadpanned.

Discord looked genuinely surprised, before his face gained a look of mild irritation. Without looking, he reached his claw behind him, opened up a portion of the void like it was a cabinet, and reached in. It’s didn’t take long for his fingers to seize the beard of the narra-- OW!

“Stop. Making. Headcanons.”

Okay- ow - got it. Just please let go?

*Yank*

OWIE!

…

Shutting the small hatch behind him-- right in the face of the poor creature... asshole --Discord returned his attention to Twilight.

“So sorry, honest mistake. I was misinformed by an over-dramatic character-killer.”

Screw you.

“Bite me,”

Discord yelped as he suddenly found a shark attached to his derriere. His eyes shot daggers into the void, Twilight had to bob and weave to avoid a few strays. She was glad this was when she’d finally figured out how to use her wings out here.

“So, you want to play?”

No, I want to get this back on tra-- *Snap*

*CLANG*

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!

“Now, Twilight. Shall we talk?”

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!

“Sure, I guess…” AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA- “What did you want to talk about?”

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!

“Well, that’s--”

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!

“--REALLY GETTING ON MY NERVES!”

*Snap*

Ow, ow, ow…

“What are you whining about?”

You dropped an anvil on my FOOT!

“So? I just fixed it!”

That’s not the point! How did you even get an anvil into my dimension?!

“Shouldn’t you be focusing on something else right now?”

Grrrrr...

Discord shrugged, uncaring, and smiled at the Alicorn once more.

“Good, let’s try this again.” He chuckled, the smug son of a b-“What I want to talk to you about is rather… complicated.” He offered. “In a way I can’t explain myself, but I know you could… help me.”

Twilight decided not to question anything at the moment, and instead align her mind with helping her friend. “I’ll be glad to, what’s wrong?”

Discord shuffled uncomfortably, clearly expressing that talking about stuff like this wasn’t his forte. “You see, I’m still new to friendship and all that.” he started, laying back into his relaxed pose. Twilight knew this meant a long line of dialogue. “But lately, it’s been… different with one of my friends.”

“How so?”

Discord leveled a look at her. “Oh, I was just going to leave it there and hope you could figure it out.”

Twilight laughed in spite of herself, genuinely amused. “Sorry, force of habit. Please, continue.”

Discord allowed himself a small smile at her laughter, before settling back. “I don’t really know how to describe it. You know all the friends I’ve made over the years, and I still have to thank you girls for taming me in the first place. It’s been rather fun. But for some reason, one of you makes me feel… sick.”

Twilight was taken aback. “What?! What did they do to offend you?”

“That’s just it!” Discord blurted. “Absolutely nothing! She’s been nothing but nice to me, she frets when she’s worried about me, she’s always willing to listen, she offers great advice. But for some reason, I feel sick when I’m around her.”

Twilight’s eyebrow arched, and she gave him a suspicious look. “Sick how exactly?”

“Well, for one thing, I start to get a fever.” Discord rattled on, oblivious to the slight mischievous shimmer in Twilight’s eyes. “Everything gets suddenly hot, and uncomfortable. Normally, I can snap my fingers and it’s all better, but… I can’t do that when this happens”

“Uh-huh…”

“Then, my throat gets dry like you wouldn’t believe! And I think it’s even worse for me, because-” Discord gestured to the length of his neck. “-of my fabulous stature. And then, my stomach starts to twist like a flooglehorn, The strangest part is what happens to my chest!”

Twilight couldn’t hold back a chuckle. If only he knew...

“What happens?”

“Well, I’ll tell you!” Discord quipped, “I’m not entirely sure what triggers this. The rest of the symptoms can be attributed to some kind of simple fever. Nothing too much to worry about, I’ve been sick before. But my chest gets this weird… tightness. Like someone placed my ribcage in a garbage cart, and pulled the lever. But it’s… it’s oddly pleasant.” He looked down to her, legitimate concern in his face. “It only happens when I’m with her… and I don’t know why. She’s my closest friend.”

“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!”

Discord blinked. He’d be amused that Twilight’s behaviour was surprising him if he wasn’t so… well… surprised. Twilight’s face was completely overtaken by a thrilled, beaming smile that literally stretched from ear to ear, and her eyes sparkled with excited light as she furiously clapped her hooves together. Her wings fluffled giddily at her side as she calmed down enough to talk, and cleared her throat.

“Congratulations, Discord.” She nodded, her voice oozing with fangirlish pride. “You’re in love.”

Discord, God of Chaos, Son of Reality and Imagination, Bender of Worlds, Master of Morphing the Multiverse, Learner of the Secrets of the Universe, experienced a brain crash.

“What,”

“I mean, it’s about time. I’ve been waiting for this to happen since you met her!”

“Uh,”

‘Oh, thank Celestia! He’s finally in love with fluttershy!’ Twilight giggled inwardly, ignoring the chaos king’s moronic slurring as she began to prance in her chair. “Oooooohhh, this is so cute! Tell me, how long has this been going on?”

“Duh,”

“Wait…” Twilight halted her squealing when she noticed that Discord’s responses had been more than monosyllabic. “Did… did I just break you?”

“Err...”

“Oh. My. Gosh. I just broke Discord! How did you not see this coming?! It was obvious that you two would fall in love!”

“Ghuh…”

“HI!”

“FEEH!”

“What are you doing?”

To clarify the last few lines of dialogue: the sound of utter bewilderment not dissimilar to the mating call of a dying pelican suffering from alcohol overdose is from the brain-dead Draconequus, the startled scream that very closely resembled a newborn’s first fart was from the Princess, and the distinctly cheerful greeting- along with the inquiry -was from everypony’s favourite walking pony-shaped wad of caffeine and sugar-overloaded bubblegum.

Pinkie Pie leaned in from yet another opening in the void that appeared to be a drawer of some sort, her trademarked smile stuck on her face. She appeared to be excited about something, more than usual, and Twilight noticed her shooting a few long glances in Discord’s direction.

“Pinkie?” Twilight gasped, clutching et her heart with a relieved chuckle. “Why am I not surprised you know how to get here?”

Pinkie snorted a laugh. “Because you’ve known me for years, silly willy! I’m just surprised to see you in the Expanse.”

Discord clapped his paw on his claw with a merry shout, grabbing both mare’s attention. “Hah! The Expanse, of course!” He called, pumping his fist. “How was I not aware that you called it that? It’s perfect!”

Pinkie chortled giddily, her cheeks becoming slightly pinker. “Aww, thankies! I suppose we never really brought it up, which is a little odd now that you mention it considering all the tea parties we have here!”

Twilight once again found herself lost in the conversation, her mind cutting through every thread of the soon-to-be-chaotic conversation with a pink machate, trying to save the runaway train of thought that was barreling towards them at mach 3.

“Wait, let me see if I got this right,” Twilight interjected, “you two hang out here? Regularly?”

“Yuppy guppy!” Pinkie nodded, stepping out of the portal and closing it with a kick. “Dissy and I chill here every friday afternoon! Sometimes, we even stay and talk until evening!”

Twilight arched her brow. “So that’s why you weren’t at poker night last week.”

Pinkie scratched the back of her neck. “Heh, sorry. Lotta talking, walking, and gawking!”

“‘Gawking’?” Twilight repeated, more intrigued by the minute.

“Yuppy guppy!” Pinkie beamed. “And you never answered my question, Twili wily! What are you doing here?”

“Well, Pinkie,” Twilight began, her smile growing as she glanced back at the Draconequus. “I just discovered that Discord’s in--” She stopped when she noticed Discord’s face had gone a slight shade of red, and his chest looked like it was trying to collapse into itself as he looked at Pinkie.

Her eyes went wide as everything clicked into place, and her smile fell slightly. “--he’s in quite a pickle...”

“What do you mean?”

Twilight only looked to Pinkie out of the corner of her eye, but could still clearly see the dopey smile on her friend’s face as Pinkie giggled.

“I don’t see anything wrong,”

“Uh… Discord?” Twilight grinned innocently. “Would you excuse us for a moment?”

Discord- still obviously suffering from his ‘sickness’ -shrugged: sticking his nose into the air with pride. “Fine, but only because you didn’t say ‘please’. Lucky for you, I have to check on how my current project is going.” He snapped his fingers, dressing into a bizarre suit reminiscent of what would happen if a banana got into a fight with a starfruit, and both got struck by lightning. His mane was lengthened, and sticking upward in a similar style.

“I’m singing in Las Pegasus tomorrow, and I don’t want to miss the bipedal dog interrupting my performance with his teenage son so they can dance with me and impress his son’s girlfriend. Arrivederci!”

Twilight knew better by this point to ask questions- though she was undyingly curious as to how he’d booked himself a stage with his reputation in Las Pegasus, especially after the incident with a certain balding theatrical critic -and waved him off as he vanished in a flash.

“Yeah, yeah. Just leave us alone for about an--” Once Discord vanished, Twilight wheeled around. “Pinkie, we need to talk.”

“About what?”

The innocence in Pinkie’s question caused Twilight to smile. “It’s about Discord, I think he may be… in love with you.”

Pinkie’s smile fell slightly. “You didn’t tell him, did you?”

Blink.

“Wait, what?”

Pinkie’s brow furrowed slightly as her smile all but disappeared. “Twilight, did you tell him?”

Twilight wasn’t sure what to make of this. One moment she’s sleeping in her own bed at home, dreaming about organizing pots according to what kitten they resemble and then converting that cat’s name into a numerical value-- a revolutionary method of sorting she calls “The Mew-y Decimal System” --the next she’s floating in a white world without an up or down, and her happiest friend is scowling at her.

’This is why most ponies prefer to sleep in on Tuesdays…’

“Well, what was I supposed to do?” Twilight inquired, displaying only the uttermost patience as she threw her hooves in the air like a toddler who just found out what the middle finger means. “I thought he was finally returning Fluttershy’s affections!”

There was a long pause. The kind of pause that either signaled a war was about to start, or that sort of pause every Sunday service experiences when the Pastor farts so loudly that the microphone picks it up and further amplifies it in the middle of his sermon. One or the other, they’re equally pause… err… pause-ly?

Pinkie blinked.

Twilight blinked.

Pinkie blinked again.

It only took them a few seconds to start blinking in tune with an oddly annoying song, which neither could hear because it wasn’t playing. Pinkie, however, decided to hum the ditty in her head while the silence ensued.

‘Some… PONY once told me the world was gonna roll me, though I’m not the quickest of all the sleds…’

“What?”

The sudden question reached into the depths of Pinkie’s mind like a giant claw, and pulled her as gently as possible back to the realm of the conscious. Where it then dipped its finger into some of the water of wariness, letting a droplet fall into her mouth: restoring her to the white void.

“You thought Fluttershy was the one in love with him?” Pinkie asked, not missing a beat of the conversation despite the adventures dwelling deep within her own mind.

Twilight seemed confused. “Uhh… well, yeah.”

Pinkie shook her head with a short giggle, and ducked back into the drawer in reality from whence she came. Twilight could hear her shouting over her shoulder.

“Fluttershy! Can you talk?”

Twilight pondered on the curious fact that Pinkie and Fluttershy were hanging out this early in the morning, but only for a moment. Both had jobs that required them to be up with the sun. Suddenly bored with her own thoughts, Twilight decided to try and listen in to the conversation on the other side of the drawer. But she could only hear Pinkie’s end, since it seemed to be comprised of shouting. A skill that tends to elude the tame Pegasus on most occasions, yet Pinkie seemed to hear just fine.

“Huh? Yeah, I’m in the kitchen! Do you have a minute?”

“...”

“What? No, the kettle’s not boiling yet. Yes, I’m staring right at it, don’t worry.”

“...”

“Yeah. Hey, look: Twilight wants to know if you’re in love with Discord?”

“...”

“I know that, but she thinks you are!”

“...”

“That was my reaction!”

“...”

“No, I think the cobb salad was a better choice…”

“...”

“Prunes? I don’t think that’ll work out so well if he’s constipated…”

“...”

“What do you mean you said ‘saturated’?”

“...”

“So he didn’t eat the rabbit?”

“...”

“Then what did I just cook for him?”

“...”

“Okay, look. I really, really, reeeeeeaally have to talk to Twilight for a minute, can you confirm that you are not in love with Discord?”

“...”

“Thank you! And would you mind shutting the drawer behind me?”

“...umm, how would you get back in?

To Twilight, the sound of Fluttershy’s voice was a welcome contribution to the conversation. She was insufferably curious what all was just said, and was bemused by the fact that she’d have to stay on one subject for now.

“I have my ways, Flirtershy!” Pinkie giggled, poking her head back into the Expanse as she still looked into the cottage. “I’ll see you later!” With that, she hopped in the rest of the way.

“Umm, bye?” Twilight heard the concern in Fluttershy’s voice, before the portal closed with a dull thud. Suddenly her vision was overtaken by two stern, blue orbs as Pinkie stared at her.

“Does that convince you?”

Twilight chuckled nervously. “I... guess? I mean, now I know she isn’t the pony in love with Discord...”

Suddenly, wheels began to turn in Twilight’s mind. Pinkie and Discord always hanging out, Pinkie knowing of Discord’s affections, Pinkie’s small blush, her insistence on the lack of romance between the Lord of Chaos and the Element of Kindness. Her smile steadily returned, growing almost uncharacteristically mischievous for the esteemed Princess as everything clicked into place at last.

Her eyes grew sharp as they returned to Pinkie’s, and she poked the filly’s chest with her hoof.

“But, now I know that you are!”

Their eyes remained locked for a moment, each staring at the other with their own intensity. Soon, the silence was broken by a brief snigger, followed by a light chuckle, which was in turn followed by a catchy laughter of unbridled mirth as Pinkie fell back, clutching her chest as she doubled over in her own cackling. Twilight felt herself snicker as well, though she didn’t know why.

After a solid minute of gasping, snorting, and wheezing that surprisingly didn’t signal two boars mating nearby: Pinkie looked up at Twilight with a sarcastic smirk.

“Took you that long to figure it out?” She teased, standing up. “But don't tell him, okay? He needs to figure it out by himself.”

Twilight’s smile fell. “But, he came to me asking for help, for the first time! I can’t let him down on his first time!”

Pinkie snorted, before returning to her serious look. “Twilight, he’s new to all this. You know just as well as I do that he should be allowed to figure it out on his own. You know I love him, and I know he’s beginning to love me, but he hasn’t realized it yet.”

Twilight opened her mouth to argue, but shut it just as quickly. Pinkie was right, and she knew it. She thought it’d be a good thing to get more sleep once she gets home.

“Yeah, I get it, Pinkie.” She sighed, smiling in spite of herself. “I suppose I’m just caught off guard today…”

*Click!*

“... wait a minute!” Twilight yelped, her eyes shooting open. “You know he’s in love with you?! And you’re not doing anything about it?”

Pinkie smirked, and reopened the tear in reality as she turned around. “Who said I wasn’t doing anything about it?” She giggled, winking as she pushed the tear outward like a pair of doors. Fluttershy yelped in surprise at the sudden clamour from the other side, and the view told Twilight that Pinkie was exiting through a cabinet of some sort.

With a quick wave goodbye, Pinkie dove into the cottage, and the doors slammed behind her: erased from existence. Twilight chuckled to herself, and turned to sit back in her chair. She did so, and reached out to grab Discord’s newspaper as it floated by. As soon as her hoof latched onto the parchment, she felt a pit form in her stomach, and she glanced around in terror.

“Wait… how do I get home?”

Author's Note

And then shipping happened, probably. I wonder what the kids would look like...

...

... *Avoids Tumblr*

Anywho, combining two characters that require bucketloads of chaotic humor, while actually trying to keep said humor funny requires more concentration than I thought. Not that I don't absolutely love it. I think I succeeded in pulling of a few good ones, though I may need some practice.

Anyways, here's a cute DisPie for y'all, as requested by Galaxina the Unicorn.

Until Next Time, God Bless You!
~Amethyst Dawn