Thank you, M*A*S*H
Goodbye, Farewell, and Amen
B_25.
“Get back here you swine!”
Despite the whispering winds, the burning lungs, and the aching legs, the two galloping mares managed to laugh down the hall. Scootaloo and Sweetie tried to hold back their laughter in order to run faster, but the sprinting image of a furious Diamond Tiara on their trail proved too funny indeed.
“I know you two rigged my lunch-box to explode, so surrender at once!” Shouting and running made for a terrible combination, yet frustration makes all blind to logic, even to the likes of Diamond Tiara. “Return...now...and answer to your... to your crimes...before the highest authority—” her voice cracked “—the principle!”
Scootaloo coked her head left and squinted her right eye, before looking to her pursuer from over her shoulder. “Your mother scares me far more than any principal could, so can I answer to her instead? Preferably alone and in her bedroom!”
Sweetie cocked her head right and squinted her right eye, before gazing to the gaining Tiara as well. “May I answer to your father then? I'm a sucker for a mustaches.” A groan. Sweetie looked to her left, gazing into the narrowed eyes of her friend.
She giggled nervously. “What? A father’s cheating is suddenly worse than a mother’s? We're breaking up the family either way!”
“You will be doing no such thing!” came the shout from behind.
Scootaloo made a satisfied face, her muscles tensing as her body prepared to make a hard left. “You get the bathroom and I’ll take the bedroom, and that way, neither one knows they’re being cheated upon.” She glanced back to Tiara. “No broken family!“Good enough for you?”
“None of you are sleeping with my parents!”
Scootaloo and Sweetie reestablished eye contact.
“Who knew Diamond Tiara had such high standards for adultery?”
“Tell me about it.”
“Stop talking about my mom and dad! ”
The best-friends couldn't help but speak at the same time.
“Someone’s got parenting issues.”
“Shut up!” Tiara yelled just as the two skid around a corner, disappearing around a corner into the next hallway. She huffed and doubled her efforts, rounding the same corner a few moments later, and entering the same empty hallway.
Diamond Tiara skidded to a stop, keeping still and blinking in confusion. She swayed her head around as she looked down the length of the hallway, seeing no distant blurs. Raising a brow, she resumed movement, lurking slowly down the hall, checking behind garbage cans and water fountain only to find everything as it should. Not a orange feather nor a trace of magic in the air. ,
“It can't be!” Diamond Tiara yelled as she paced in place. “Those numbskulls find a way to offend both me and the school then use some nefarious means to get themselves off the hook!” Her horn burned brightly with magic, intensifying in accordance to her growing smirk. “If those philistines won't answer to justice, then I'll just bring my justice to them.”
Her grin reached its apex
Her magic was bright enough to blind.
Diamond Tiara inhaled deeply through her nostrils.
Then someone cleared their throat behind her.
Diamond Tiara looked over her shoulder, magic fading from her horn upon seeing just who had caught her in the act. In a second, her magic ceased, and her grin shrunk to a frown.
Cheerilee stood behind her with an unpleasant expression. A moment later, tall stallions rounded the corner from before, halting immediately before Cheerilee and giving a salute.
“The HM…” Diamond muttered in fear.
Cheerilee's ear flicked up at that, before turning around to glance up at the two. “Yes, hall-monitors?”
“Sorry to interrupt you, ma'am,” they said collectively, pointing their forehoof down at Tiara. “We believe this to be the filly responsible for the on-going racket in the halls. Permission to bring her into your office for disturbing neighbouring classes?”
Diamond Tiara stood her tallest.“I am not a filly but a mare!”
A hall-monitor stepped forward, bathing her in his shadow. “Still makes you a brat.”
Tiara stepped forward, so did he, but before either could get a word in, Cheerilee stepped in-between the two. “Enough the both of you!” She gazed up at the HM. ““I am fully capable of dragging her to my office myself, thank you very much!” She then glared down at Tiara. “And if you're a mare then now’s a fine time to start acting like one! What could have you driven so cahooey as to scream down the halls?”
Tiara didn't back away. “Scootaloo and Sweetie—the vermin of this school—saw it fit to play yet another crude prank on yours truly. When I chased after them to make them answer for their crimes, the two had the audacity question the sacred bond which my parents hold!"
"If you were so close to hear them talk,” Cheerilee began, “then how the hooey did the rascals escape you!?”
"That's what I'm trying to figure out!" Tiara said, gazing back down the hallway. "I was right on their tails, but the moment we turned the bloody corner, they were nowhere to be seen!"
Cheerilee eyes gazed down the hallway as well, scanning along the lockers. She looked to the HMs, dismissed them with a nod, and looked back to Tiara. "This is the hall-way that you lost 'em in, correct?"
"Undoubtedly," Tiara said, and at that, Cheerilee began down the hallway. The younger mare quickly matched her pace, watching her ex-teacher flick her gaze left and right. She thought her reading the locker numbers. "My first thought was Sweetie Belle timed a teleportation spell the moment they hit the corner and were out of my sight, but I didn't see any sparks nor felt any magic, and we both know she's too much of hack to use her magic with stealth."
Cheerilee slowed her pace, her eyes catching to a distant locker.
Tiara continued rambling. "The only other explanation is Scootaloo used her wing to lift both herself and Sweetie Belle to the ceiling window, somehow opening and concealing their means." She looked to her teacher, ears flopping as no attention was paid to her deduction. "I'm telling you, Ms. Principal, there's a mystery afoot, and those two are the prime suspects!"
"You know what, Diamond Tiara?” Cheerilee stopped before locker three-three-five. “It could be either one of those complex, overly ridiculous ideas you concocted." She gripped the handle of the locker, raised it, then threw it back, revealing two troublemakers huddled together. "But if you're feeling slightly less pretentious, you could go with the easy explanation of THEY HID IN THE ONLY LOCKER WITHOUT A LOCK ON IT."
Inside, the two mares were an intertwined mess of limbs, their muzzles within dangerously close proximity. Straight as one of them was, rumors had spread around school of an deeper friendship they shared, and this would do nothing to assuage the gossip. The two looked to their captors with guilty expressions and puppy dog eyes.
"If we conceded to the crime," Sweetie began.
"Can you tell everyone that we weren't making out in here?" Scootaloo finished.
Cheerilee closed her eyes, inhaled through her nose, exhaled through her mouth, then reopened her eyes. With a sinister grin, her lips split apart.
"The three of you, in my office, right now!"
"I'm telling you, Ms Principal, they're only getting worse!"
That'd been line that never ceased to repeat. Diamond Tiara paced before the large desk, presenting argument after argument to the pink mare sitting on the other side, while the two doofuses hoof wrestled in their chairs on the chair-rest.
"Like most terrible things, it began with crude simplicity," Tiara droned on, "Sporadic whoopee cushions placed arbitrarily on seats in the classroom, my odds of sitting on one higher than the other students for reason we all very well know."
Scootaloo slammed Sweetie's hoof down, winning game number forty-two before speaking. "Blaming your flatulence on others is so unlike your polite ways, Tiara. A fart, even from a mare, is something to be proud of! Even when it alerts the whole classroom to your gas, you gotta seize the moment and own the stink!"
Cheerilee pointed a pen in Scootaloo's direction. "Quiet Scoots, or I take everything Tiara says on faith alone."
"So much for free-speech," Sweetie quipped.
"Silence!"
The two shrugged, gripped each other's hoof, and started round forty-three.
Tiara grinned back at them before continuing her case. "Since their crimes weren't punished at its start, it's of little disbelief that they grew worse in nature." She cleared her throat, her tone having developed into a drone. "Stink-bombs in the girl's bathroom and locking the door."
Forehooves of orange and alabaster had what little muscle they had pumped, but after the crime was listed off, Scootaloo tilted her head. "That was you? I was on the receiving end of that!" Sweetie slammed her opponent's hoof down. "I know. That's the reason why I did it. Forty-four?"
They didn't hesitate to start round forty-four.
"Cutting power to an elevator and isolating a body of students for at least an hour."
"Actually," Scootaloo started, forking out her tongue as she applied more pressure to the match. "It was just two students, male and female, and I made sure that power wasn't fully cut."
Sweetie tilted her head, surprise etched on her face. "That was you?"
"I knew that Blue Shift liked you and you liked Blue Shift," she said, panting with perspiration while her friend sat motionless. "It was your parents that disliked each other, forbidding that you ever date, and when you got caught, well, dating, his parents pulled him out the district the next day."
Sweetie's mouth became agape.
"So!" Scootaloo started leveraging her body weight into the match, but the other hoof remained ever erect. "I rigged it so you could give your proper goodbyes without feeling rushed. I'd given you more time for a more...intimate farewell, but any longer and that elevator is busted for good.”
"I...I don't know what to say," Sweetie said, easily slamming down the other hoof yet again. "Thanks for that, Scoots. I'd always thought it was just fate granting me a lucky day."
"Just like how I thought fate blessed me with the raw strength," Scootaloo said, before glaring her shoulder at Diamond Tiara. "Though I wish miss gabby-lips over there didn’t let you in on the scoop.” She turned back. "Forty-seven?"
"Forty-seven."
Tiara sighed, falling to her rump. "They're not even remorseful for their lesser crimes, much less the bigger ones. It'd be a waste of all our times to point them out, and besides—" She slinked up to the desk and crossed as much distance between her and Cheerilee as possible. "All of their wicked deed already printed and tucked safely in that desk of yours. All it would take is one signature, and that record follows them to every school and career."
Her grin grew wicked. "No one would ever take them in, no matter how much they begged. But that would be a pretty sight, wouldn't you agree, the pranksters on their knees begging for forgiveness for all the sin they spread."
Cheerilee inhaled deeply. "You make quite a conceiving argument, Diamond Tiara. Whenever someone breaks a rule or does something wrong, they should pay the price." She too leaned forward on the desk. "That's the argument you're making, correct?"
"Without a doubt."
"Without a doubt?"
"Without a doubt!"
"Splendid!" Cheerilee opened one of the many folders on her desk, revealing a photo and a transcript of none other than Diamond Tiara herself. "Then I'm sure the bomb squad and sheriffs you called in, which proved to be a hoax, in the end, will be a terrific decoration right next to your honors."
Tiara slid off from the desk. "But you can't do that!"
"Can't I?!" Cheerilee shot back. "The amount of professionals we've had to pay off not to sue us because of your superstition allows me to do whatever the hay I want!"
"But none of them were my fault!" she whined, placing only her chin on the desk with puppy dog eyes. "It was Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle that instigation them all I swear! Surely the guilty should pay for the crimes and the innocent go unharmed?"
"Last I checked, they weren't the ones that called others into a bogus situation!"
"But...but they told me that they were gonna... I s-saw them do..."
"You saw them do donkey-poo!" Cheerilee slammed a hoof into the desk, shaking off her student. "They got under your skin and made you act exactly the way that you wanted to! You got tricked into thinking they were up to something when all they were doing was hoof-wrestling like they are now."
Cheerilee tilted her head, capturing the two in her vision. "And you two knock it off with the antics!"
They stopped immediately.
"Draw?"
"I beat you forty-two times," Sweetie stated.
"I know." Scootaloo offered a hoof. "So draw?"
Sweetie sighed as she took the hoof. "Draw."
The two shook, smiled, then looked over to whatever else was happening the room. "We miss anything?" they said in unison.
"We're discussing how manipulative you two are!" Cheerilee said.
They broke the shake and sat properly in their seats. Scoots spoke up first. "Ah. So are you saying that in a good way or a bad way?:
Cheerilee ignored them and returned to looking at Tiara. "You had no proof to make an investigation, no traces of a bomb anywhere near the school, and the number of teachers you've made go deaf because of your ranting and your tangents has cost the school more medical bills than for all the stabbing that have ever happened here!"
Tiara kept silent.
"It was my hope, which by the end of the year, that you would let go of your pettiness," Cheerilee stated, not in a voice that was angry, but rather disappointed. "To not let the actions and choices of others bother you. You're a bright student, ain't nobody denying that, but if you can't learn to get along with the other half of the world, then you'll be begging on your knees just like these bucket of fools."
Tiara kept silent, nodding her head and keeping it low.
"Final exams are next week. Instead of dealing with these bozos, spent it with your family—" Cheerilee's voice cracked "—because it's sooner than you think. Come to the end of summer, your keester is going in a new city, and for the first time in a long while, you'll be alone."
Cheerilee stood from her chair, rounded the table and came to the young mare's side. Then, ever so delicately, ran a hoof through the other's mane. "Nothing can quite prepare you for solitude, so it's best to have a well of fond memories to dig up whenever the days become heavy upon your shoulders. You may even come to miss the rascals across the room."
"I very much doubt that," Diamond Tiara said in a soft voice, without any malice, as she pressed her face into the other mare's coat. Cheerilee wrapped her hooves around her, the other doing the same, sharing a hug lasting amount of time to make others present slightly uncomfortable.
"You wanna?" Scootaloo asked.
"Everyone else is doing it," Sweetie replied.
The two joined together, fur caressing fur, warmth creating more warmth. They closed their eyes and gave themselves to bliss; the hug was supposed to be comedic, yet it felt infinitely more. There was a connection between these two mares, which goes without a doubt, deeper than most friendship to the last iota of its extreme.
Teachers, friends, even families they never quite had this bond. It was like knowing someone was okay with your every thought, putting up with your every antic, knowing that someone was always there, and you were just the same for them. It was one of the greatest bonds that so few have ever come to experience, because they refuse to put in the catalyst: trust.
It was something the two had since day one; it was the reason why they're bond became as strong as it did, why they knew the other was in trouble and how to get them out, or, at the very least, get arrested alongside them. Nothing in the world could wear it down.
So why did their bond feel ever so faint at the present moment?
"Be good, Diamond Tiara." The distance voice caused the two mares to break apart simultaneously, unaware that the duration of their hug lasted the same amount as theirs. "Manage your business instead of others, and you'll be fine. That is all."
Diamond Tiara nodded, breaking away from the hug, and giving one final nod. She didn't' have anything more to say, to accuse or to whine about, only to return home to her family, and study for the last coming days of school. She left the room without looking back, the door clicking softly once she was outside.
"Look," Scootaloo began, standing at the left-side of the desk, "I may not have a mother, but I get plenty affection from my father. Can we get passed the whole crying act and take whatever whooping you're wanting to offer?"
"Girls, I want you to sit down."
"Why?" they both said in unison, causing to Cheerilee to chuckle, looking downward, then smiling.
"For all the times that I've pulled your behinds out from the fire," she began, voice sweet...and slightly old, "two times literally, can you listen to just this once and do as I ask?"
Feeling the change in tone, both mares lost their grins. Without another word, they fell to their seats, sitting properly with due respect. Scootaloo, however, couldn't help but speak. "We've always listened, Cheerilee. We may not have always done as you asked, and I know what kind of impression that gives, but we've always listened."
Sweetie nodded.
"Huh," Cheerilee said, crossing to the center of the room, and resting her rear on the edge of her task, standing before the two sitting girls. "Guess all the boo-hickey I spit wasn't just because I like the sound of my own voice."
They all smiled.
A beat.
Then the smiles faded.
"Look, girls, I'm not quite sure how to put this..." Cheerilee gazed around the room, seeing all the memorabilia her tenure as both teacher and principal had earned her, but then, she saw it, the photo which nothing else could ever beat. It was of herself, and under each of her forelegs was the two mares present. "...from the very start, I knew you two were nothing but troublemakers."
Scootaloo looked over. "And here I thought she was trying to find a complement to pay."
"Constantly disturbing the class with your rowdiness, a constant supply of situations where I had to get involved and resolved—I might not have had all the wrinkles were it not for your constant entertainment.' She looked down at the two grown mares before her now, and all by itself, a smile blossomed across her lips. "And I wouldn't change those years of joy for anything in the world. You girls might have made my life a living hell, but good Celestia, those were the best years of my life."
Cheerilee swallowed the lump in her throat. "You two were the best students I ever had. The rowdiness that allowed everyone to join in on the fun, the staying behind to help or listen fellow classmates, all the great deeds you've done in this school is truly concealed by your bad girl appearances."
"Some ponies wear capes," Sweetie said.
"But we wear our egos," Scootaloo finished.
Cheerilee giggled. "That you do, girls, that you do." Then, she sighed heavily, gripping the desk as her body felt weak. It was building up this. Since the moment Cheerilee met the duo she knew what the cost of keeping them safe would be, and here and now, would be the ultimate price for their safety.
"But, this right here, Scootaloo and Sweetie, is the part where my role in your life, where my part in this world changes in this very instant." She clenched her eyes. "The principal in me tells you to knock those egos aside, to become the norm and do well in life, and stop making trouble." Her eyes opened again, a soft sad smile still on her muzzle. "The only issue with that, is to remain your principal is to strip away your future."
"But what do you—"
"So, as you're friend, I advise you to be wild," Cheerilee flashed a big smile, one that encouraged both excitement and confusion. "To chase your dream to the furthest degree," she said to Sweetie, "and to explore for that which you're looking for," she said to Scootaloo. "But, more importantly, to not lose that side of you I fought so hard to protect. The part of you that brings life and excitement into this world, while still being in the loop of the thing that connects all."
"Cheerilee, what are you—"
"I wasn't exactly the biggest bundle of joy when we first met," she said, gazing at the space between the two mares. "Just a mare who slowly became excited about the trouble that would come the next day. Then, seeing you girls slowly help out the other students, I remembered why I wanted to be a teacher in the first place: to help others no matter what." She exhaled suddenly. "It's because of you two that goal burns in me now. And the best way to express my gratitude is to help you, girls, now."
"Cheerilee, please!" Sweetie exclaimed. "Just tell us what's going on!"
As if to answer their plea, Cheerilee reached over to her desk and pulled out two folders, each documented with the two young mares names. "In here, ever since you've become the legal age, is all the rules broken and crimes committed. I did my best protecting you, but there's only so much I can do before the board above demands discipline."
"So you're going to have to can us, is that it?" Scootaloo stood from her chair, opening out her forehooves. "Go right ahead. You said it yourself, I was meant to explore, so I don't need a diploma here. And Sweetie." She turned to her friend only to find her still, face looking down. "...needs to get into a university to stand a chance in that type of market."
Scootaloo fell back into her seat, collecting her face into her hoof. "So that's it, we're boned. One prank too many!" She laughed, though it sounded more like a cry. "I guess that's what we get for trying to put a show on."
Sweetie tilted her head up. "It's...it's okay, Cheerilee. We were the ones who kept acting up even when you told us it'd be recorded, and, we listen, but didn't act." She sighed. "You should submit those files if they're really raining down on ya. I'm sure there's a school that is just as great as—"
"There isn't," Cheerilee said with no emotion. "That's the only school that will take you to your current grades, but not if they see this files. It's my duty as principal to submit these files, or else I've failed in my duty."
Cheerilee walked over to the corner of the room, where her stamp of approval and other things lied. The mares waited and waited, holding their breaths and almost holding their breaths. Then, they heard it, the stamp slamming against the paper, it happened once, but as the seconds went by, and the clock kept ticking, there was no second slam.
Both mares looked over to Cheerilee, only to see her holding a sheet of paper. "Which is why, as of today, I am no longer your principal. The duties of paperwork and transcript go to the vice principal, who will do what I should have."
Then, in picking up their folders, he walked over to the desk. "These are the only copies of your records. I was very insistent that I get the originals and never made copies." She moved over to a machine, pressing the on switch as she hovered the folder above it. "Of course, when things transfer from one pony to another, there's a few things that are bound to get lost." Then, she dropped the folders into the paper shredder, which ate the only evidence of their misbehavior.
"There, now you can graduate with ease."
Both mares stood up in shock.
"Cheerilee," Sweetie said, "what will you do now? I thought helping those who needed it was your goal."
"It is," she replied, going over to the coat stand and recovering her scarf. "There are more fillies and colts that need help than those who've already made it to school. I'm going to search around for them, and, maybe who knows, I'll find my next special somepony during that trip."
"So then this is—"
"Yep." Cheerilee draped the scarf around her neck, coming to stand before the two mares. "This is farewell. At least, for—" Before she could finish, the two mares had flung themselves into her embrace, holding her so tightly as if she would disappear, which was partly the case.
"There so much to thank you for," Sweetie said.
"From learning how to tie our shoes to solving algebra," Scootaloo said.
` "All the times we got into trouble."
"And all the times you pulled us out."
The girls felt a hoof come over their necks, holding them just as tightly as they held her. "I know girls, oh sweet Celestia do I know. Everything you have to thank me for is things I must thank you for. I'd do it all over again if we could."
Finally, regrettable, they broke away. There was no shame that a few eyes had tears streaming out.
"You girls are clever and kind," Cheerilee said at last," never forget that, and you'll be fine in the world. But now, I must be off to drop off this wretched letter." She went to the door, opening it a crack, before looking back. "I hope you stocked up on as many memories as I have."
Then, for the sake of the moment, the two mares gave a salute. "That we have, ma'am, that we have."
Cheerilee smiled before finally leaving.
And then there were two.
The final exams were grueling, but the knowledge that these were the last day the friends had left together hurt far more than any exclaim. They made sure to spend time together, day and night, and did everything they could off their jointed bucket list.
Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle never had such more fun before in their lives, but, because of the fun, time went by quite sooner than they would have liked. Soon exams were over, and everybody in the class had passed, all gathered together now in seated rows.
There were cheers, tears, flying caps and even a bit of fireworks. This would be the last time the class would ever be seated together again, so all made sure to have their yearbooks signed and those meaningful conversations to be had.
But soon, the sun began to set, and everyone had to say their goodbyes. Scootaloo and Sweetie made sure to wish everyone farewell, the group of thirty dwindling to seven, the sun descending even faster.
Finally, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle came to see each other. Smiles blessing their lips, they moved towards one another, but intercepted by a familiar face they were unsure they were excited to see.
"So, here we are," Diamond Tiara said, as both mares approached her from either side, "this is it. Our legacy chase and tattle tale began in kindergarten, and this is where it ends." She glanced at them both, a smile stretching across our muzzle. "I know we weren't friends but I wouldn't call us enemies either."
"Maybe we just bored kids in school looking for a way to make some fun."
"Yeah, yes!" Tirira nodded her head. "I do believe you are right because I've given this a lot of thought as of late. Those times that I chased after you and made the whole situation worse, sometimes, I do think you got under my skin, but, for the most part, I think I just wanted to have just as much as you two."'
"Whether you're the one being chased," Sweetie threw a foreleg over Scootaloo, "or the one chasing," another around Diamond Tiara, "at the end of the day, we're still running and having fun, and I can't think of a better way to have spent our high school days."
"Neither can I," Tiara replied, reciprocating the hug, "neither can I."
The three stayed like for a while, the sun bathing their backs as the winds softly blew over the grass below. They didn't quite remember how long the hug lasted for, only that they did it long enough to imprint the sensation to memory so that they can enjoy it again and again throughout the years.
After a while, the hug came to an end, and the three mares stood in a triangle. Diamond took a few steps back, knowing this to be her final departure. "Hey, girls? I know I wasn't exactly the most polite mare to get along with, and anything I said about you, all that horrible stuff—I didn't mean it."
"And neither the stuff we said to you," the two girls said, their bonding becoming apparent to Tira one final time. "We wouldn't have anyone else chasing after us."
Tears. A beat. Hooves clopping against the ground and shadowing claiming more of the land. Distant shouting. A wave of the hoof.
And then there were only two.
"So," Scootaloo said, turning back to the only friend she's ever loved. "This is where we say our farewells."
"I'm sure we'll see each other again."
"Right, with you rising through Manhattan society, and me exploring the other half of the world." Scootaloo could feel her throat clench, her eyes burn with tears, bit for the first time in her life, she did not make a joke to hide her feelings. "Look, I'm not saying that this will be farewell, but just in case it is..."
Hooves seized her by the sides pulling her close to the heart she'd been the most in-tune with. They cried, without shame into each other's shoulders, soaking each other's coats at the sadness of never being able to see each other again.
"I'll never be able to shake you," Scootaloo said, bring her hooves to the back of Sweetie's head and holding her close. "Whenever I see an alabaster unicorn with the voice of an angel, or fillies and colts setting up a prank, I'll always think of you."
"And whenever I smell unwashed dresses or a pony that doesn't like to preen, I'll think of you."
The two clutched each other. Their bodies trembled, relying on one another for strength and support—much as they'd done for their whole lives. They could have hugged for years and it would have never lasted enough, any visit in memories never being comparable to the real thing.
But, like all good things in life, the hug came to an end. The friends stepped away from each other, knowing any other action would destroy them. All they could do was nod their head, turn around, and go off into their separate directions in life.
Sweetie began to her trek to the big city
Scootaloo flew off into the horizon, chasing them simply because they were there.
The friends never met again, but neither did they leave one-another’s minds.
