Clash of the Legends

by Okhlahoma Beat-Down

Rating: everyone
Tags: Romance, Comedy, Random
Length: 35695

A trio of moronic, incompetent guards have a fall out with the three princesses. Combat ensues.

After a large argument between Princesses Luna, Celestia, and Cadence, three idiots step in. After they sort out the troubles, the monarchs' suddenly playful moods result in a contest to be settled in Canterlot's training arena. The teams have one week to prepare for a stun round battle. But not only are the mares cheerful, they're also in the mood for something else…

Believe me, this'll suck.

Plus, the photo was done on PAINT! Everybrony knows I'm poor, now shut up.

PS: There is to be no clop. Lord-High King Okhlahoma Beat-Down decrees it. Now fetch us thine hot beverage.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-03-31 13:46:27 UTC

Chapter 2: That REALLY didn't help.

Tension had built up in the room like radiation during a nuclear meltdown.

Three of Equestria's most important rulers were aiming destructive magic at each other,prepared to eliminate the others due to whether they should begin a war with Griffonia or not. Only two others were aware of the potentially deadly events that might unfold; Lieutenant Aerilon Drift, and Lieutenant Scorch-Mane. They had mics, but dared not use them lest they get hit by a burst of flame from one of the Monarchs. The two guards were shuffling their hooves slowly away, attempting to take cover behind a fallen chair or side table. Eventually, Aerilon plucked up the courage to make a move.

"Shining Armor," he whispered hastily. "Your childhood marefriend might be about to kill the other two."

No sooner than the last syllable left his lips, the sweating Shining Armor bucked down the huge gilded doors and charged at least 50 meters in less than 5 seconds. He made a lunge towards Cadence, opening a window for Scorch and Aerlion to tackle the other two to the ground. The mares grunted in pain and began ordering them to stand down, but they were already laid out on their bellies with their horns being gripped in a position where a sharp tug would rip it off their heads. Several minutes passed as the trio held down the monarchs, with what little training they'd had saving two other important figures from being incinerated by the other. Eventually, they stopped struggling.

"Errr," Scorch said uncertainly. "Halt, I suppose?"

"What happened?" Shining said, ignoring the lieutenant.

"We demand you release us." Celestia smiled at the other two, winking at them. From the look of it, she had a plan.

"Negative," Aerlion stuttered. "You have violated, er, your law. Your stolen goods...no, that's not right."

"You attacked a high-ranking mare?" Scorch cocked his head at his teammate.

"Something like that, yeah..."

"What comes next? Now pay yourself a fine. Or it's a get-out-of-your-own-jail-free card."

"Basically, they've got monarch-ic immunity." Shining Armor laughed.

"Are you handsome colts quite finished?" Luna soothed.

"No." Scorch frowned down on her.

TWO HOURS OF ATTEMPTED SEDUCTION LATER...

"...I've told you, I don't fancy you." Scorch yawned. The carpet built up such a warmth underneath them, that the two princesses (save Luna) and two guards (save Scorch-Mane) were all lying next to each other, sleeping at such a late hour as 1.00 in the morning. Luna was used to it, she did stay up during the night each day. For her, everypony elses dinner was her breakfast. They had steamed mushrooms, she had some toast. Celestia was lying on her back, her leg sometimes  twitching, and her being naked made things more disturbing. The image of a Solar Princess sleeping naked next to  her personal guard was going to be etched into Scorch's barely trained mind.

"I know you're tired," Luna was speaking in a voice as calming as she could possibly muster. She fluttered her yelids at Scorch, who was still incredibly young (in cursed-to-be-immortal standards), as he was basically the same age as Luna. He was fine at first, until he decided it would be fun to piss off Discord. "Let me take your worries away. I just know you'll love this..."

She reached up, restraining him with magic when he let go of her horn to check his Facehoof account on his Lemon iPhone and she slowly began circling his shoulderblades with her hooves. He tensed, but then relaxed as the warm sensation took over his body.

"Imagine your paradise..." she whispered in his ear. She turned her head, allowing her mane to flap gently in his face, before turning her head again and gently nuzzling and breathing down his neck. She was very reluctant to turn off her magic, as he had rugby tackled her with incredible ease. But as she turned off the magic field and lowered him to the floor, he simply slumped to the ground, his non-functioning wings flapping down and spreading out on the floor.

Luna smiled.

'Success,' she thought to  herself. She slowly flew near him, cooling him with a breeze from her wings, before cutting her acting and groaning. Before she was a princess, what little fun she could have was spent with the other fillies and colts on her street. One of them was Scorch-Mane. When he went to confront Discord for his bullying rule, he simply cursed him with immortality and corrupted his originally friendly mind. However, as soon as she became a princess, she, along with her sister, forgot their friends and lived high. Scorch was like Zoidberg.

Ponies only liked him when there was nopony else to like.

She slowly walked to Cadence and shook her awake. Her mane was a mess, her eyes were tired, and she looked outrageously tired.

"Really?" She whined sleepily. "At this unfaustly hour?"

"I got him." Luna declared proudly.

Cadence had a look of surprise and boredom on her face. She stared for a few seconds, before shaking her hooves sarcastically and emitting a tired 'woohoo'. She then gathered herself up, said goodnight, and teleported to her room.

Luna did the same for her older sister, and before she left to watch the night explained that Celestia had her legs apart, she was twitching, sleeping next to her favourite guard and she was naked. Celestia growled at Luna before feleporting back to her tower. Luna rolled her eyes and trotted to the door. Raising a hoof and pushing it open a crack, she stopped and turned. 3 of the princesses' best guards were sleeping in the hall, which looked like a cyclone hit it. She couldn't leave them there, it's unroyal. She decided the only place they should go is to their barracks. Realizing that was too far, she charged a mass teleport spell and dropped them somewhere odd.

On the archer perch.

Chapter 3: The Horn(y) of War

Shining Armor refrained from emitting a marey scream as he scrambled back from the edge of the roof. Unfortunately for the trio, the barracks were one of the buildings balanced precariously over the edge of the mountain, so one false move and the unicorn would receive a free flying lesson. His temptation to go Assassin on the princesses was unbelievably high, and now they place him on the roof of a 1000ft drop? Screw stealth, maybe a LEEROOOOY JENKINSSS styled approach? He was about to wake up Aerlion Drift, when the brown furred pegasus lazily opened his eyes, green pupils sliding around gently in his sockets. His White mane flowing in the wind, he looked at Shining Armor.

"Hi..." he mumbled in a voice barely audible over howling wind and bitter cold. "I slept with Celestia last night." He motioned for the Blue maned unicorn to come closer, which he cautiously obliged. His mouth was no less than an inch from Shining's ear, when he finally whispered: "I shit you not." It was clear he was in a sort of trance, as he still had his pupils randomly floating about in his eyeballs, which had a glassy texture to them.

"Snap out of it!" Shining Armor yelled in his face, merely centimeters from the dased Pegasi's snout. Dishing out a morale boosting punch-to-the-face, he pushed the young colt off the edge of the roof, knocking off a few  tiles and spraying cloud moisture everywhere as his friend smacked into a cloud face-first.

"Ow." Was all Aerlion could utter before he fell onto the cloud.

"Oh yes Luna, right there..." Scorch muttered in his sleep, before rolling over and blending his fur into the tiles. Obviously, Shining Armor had to wake him up before he makes any weirder comments. He shifted over, being careful not to catch his hoof on any tiles. Anything so much as a stumble could trip him and send him to his messy death. When the stallion eventually reached the maroon unicorn, his mane was fluffed up in his face, but nothing too bad. A few gentle hooftaps awoke him, but much more violently than Aerlion did.

"SUNNAVA BEEETCH!" he screamed loudly. "Stop waking me up so abruptly!" Unlike the dazed pegasi unconcious on the cloud, Scorch's eyes were ever-so-faintly glazed a darkish blue. Probably the last chance Shining would ever get to smash Scorch-Mane in the face, so why not? It would be fine.

=============

Shining Armor, Scorch-Mane, and Aerlion Drift were brought to the throne room. There were now armed guards escorting the three colts, and all pointing spears. The three Princesses, who had seduced their way out of guards'grasps, were now sat atop thrones glaring at the stallion guards that were out of uniform. Aerlion and Shining were shaking in their invisible boots at being here. Only criminal scum who do scum-like things ever come here, and here they were. Scorch was trembling, not in fear but in pain. Shining had punched him so hard that he may have temporarily damaged the point in his brain at which language derives from, resulting in a lack of crap puns and insults. The three rulers looked down, each with different degrees of anger on their faces.

Celestia: "I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed." (That's enough to make anypony soil themselves, believe me.)

Luna: This'll be all over the papers. Nice one, plotholes.

Cadence: The screams will be heard from Manehattan.

"So," Celestia broke the silence. "How will we punish you failures?" She levitated a champagne bottle from the golden bottle holder next to her, popping the cap and pouring 3 glasses out for all 3 princesses. Nodding at her and sipping, the other two returned back to their respective stallions.

"Ma'am, with respect, you began to threaten each other." Shining Armor was stood bolt upright with his gaze being blurred by sweqt cascading from his forehead. "We had to step in to defend all three of you."

"This is correct ma'am." Aerlion added.

All five pairs of eyes looked at Scorch, patiently waiting for a comment. Under such pressure, Scorch would break down. This time though, he held his ground.

"*squeak*" was all that came out, prompting Celestia to become more stern.

"Lieutenant, this is no time for humour." Luna growled. "Give us an explanation."

Scorch made another attempt, his maroon and gold striped fur matting with sweat.

"Brain...hurt. Voice...hurt. Talk...no." He forced out, before collapsing into a wrecked heap on the floor of the throne room. Another two guards marched in, saluted the princesses and left carrying Scorch. The whole process took less than one or two seconds. The door slammed, conversation continued.

"Wha-" Cadence started.

"Don't ask." Shining Armour finished, his eyes darting away.

"It seems we, once again, have reached an impasse." Celestia decreed.

"How?" Aerlion blurted. "We tried to force you to halt viole-wait, impasse? How will we solve that?"

"Are you two aware of the new weapons we have been designing for law enforcement?" Luna asked,  raising an eyebrow. Both unarmed guards looked a look at each other that said 'duh!' And looked back to nod.

"Basically, they were also created for practicing anti-terror tactics for my nightguards, the main point beong that the rounds will not kill, but simply stun."

The door burst open, and Scorch rolled in, landing on all fours in front of the other two guards in a sudden burst of physics-busting flips.

"FIRST!" He yelled. "Second, I guessed this would end in a training round battle."

The other five simply looked at him with looks of confusion and irritation.

"These thingummybajiggycrossbow battles work in teams of three or four. Basically the object is to eliminate the other team with victory secured for the survivors. Stunning is harmless, but paralyzes the part of the body that is impacted. For example, if I was to hit Shining Armor in the face, like so," Scorch suddenly produced one of the door handles from the door he had hit through and casually turned and cracked it into Shining Armor's face. He simply moaned, rolled his eyes, and collapsed in a heap without a word. Once again, two guards walked in to remove him but were quickly warned off by a threatening wave of a makeshift diamond club.

"Shining Armor would be out of the match." Scorch finished.

Silence ensued, before Cadence broke the silence.

"I-is that blood?" She quietly asked before paling.

"LOL NO." Scorch yelled as his irises shrank in an unnerving manner.

"More respect, trooper." Celestia sternly said.

"LOL NO...Ma'am?"

"Good enough." She sighed.

"Might we ask, how doth thou know of the matches? They have not been fully trialled upon guards." Luna cut in.

"Eh," Scorch blushed behind his fur. This would be hard to explain. "Ducks?"

"No time for humour."

"Quack. LOL."

"What does LOL mean, exactly? That is the third time you've used it."

Shining Armor had only just got back up. He still felt woozy.

"LOL stands for 'Laugh Out Loud', Ma'am." He muttered.

"OK, tangent." Aerlion Drift cut in. "What is your plan, your majesties?"

"Our plan is a training match. You three guards, us three princesses. We will open the arena, just we 6 in the area. You have one week to prepare. Take your leave."

"If we win?" Aerlion asked.

"You earn a 5 step up-rank. Captains." Celestia proudly decreed. The three guards looked at each other satisfied.

"Wait, what if we fail?" Scorch nervously added, halting the happiness and replacing it with suspense.

"If you lose," Luna said, getting up and approaching Scorch. "We do what we wish with you." Luna ran a hoof down his neck, slow enough for him to become incredibly worried.

"One week." Cadence spoke. "Dismissed."

All three guards turned and left, stepping over the broken door.

Now out of earshot and eyeshot of the princesses, the Shining Armor span around and deployed his front right hoof into Scorch's jaw. Aerlion immediately burst out laughing, his throaty laugh echoing down the grand corridor. The few ponies that dared poke their heads out of the doors saw Scorch laid out on the floor, with Shining Armor rubbing his hoof smugly.

But, they still thought of the match. So much, they forgot Scorch-Mane's worthless body, which was left in the middle of the hall.

Chapter 4: Help? I ain't got time to help.

Swiftly snatching a bolt from his holster, Shining Armor slammed it into his golden crossbow before ripping it backwards to ensure there was a click. He raised it, aimed down the barren range, and fired. A quiet whistling sound followed a loud whoosh as the bolt flew across meters and meters of iron-clad room, before making a satisfying thunk into the target. A few seconds passed as the magic charged, before finally emitting an electric crackle and freezing the mobile cut out of a griffon.

"Well, that works." He huffed satisfied.

"Cadence said that when you first shagged her." Scorch muttered over the mic, before a loud yell was heard. Scorch had poked the end of the bolt, and initiated the shock sequence. Which, through a metal crossbow, conducted it all to Scorch.

"What you get, idiot."

" Shut up."

"Guys..." Aerlion hissed down the microphone. "Company's here."

The princesses all proudly marched down the corridor behind the dark range, each wearing their respective armors. Celestia with her gold plated breast plate, Luna with her dark blue swirled helmet and boots, while Cadence wore nothing. Her guards weren't fully created, so she had no set of armor to don. Their heads filled with eyeballs, they marched to where the Guards were stood.

From there, they simply gave looks that said 'Go on. Impress us.' No guard would deny the opportunity to demonstrate how stallions ki-STUN things.

"Oh, crap..." Shining muttered.

"This is embarassing..."

"We are on the same frequency, you know." Celestia cut in suddenly. They had heard it all, and Cadence was most likely preparing Scorch's funeral due to a 'training match accident'.

Suddenly, bolts were fired from the crossbows, not through choice. The Princesses had commandeered the Guards bows with magic, and were drilling bolts in the heads of the moving targets. The scoreboard recognised it, and flashed up as a perfect 3000 points.

"Gentlecolts?" Luna coughed through the microphone speaker.

With that, they left, leaving behind three slackjawed guards.

Aerlion closed his mouth.

"Scorch, it's your funera-" He was cut off by a whoosh noise and a bolt thunking into his armor.

"Flankhole."

"So, you three," Serrated Edge broke the silence at the mess table, "A stun-match with the princesses..."

"Mmm Hmm." Scorch grunted through a full mouth. He took another huge bite out of...something, swallowed it whole, before finally saying, "We'll lose."

"That's no way to talk, Ell-tee." Glinting Spear replied in the smug way she always does. As most were not wearing full armor, their fur and manes were regular; Glinting was simply blue with a gold, frizzled manestyle.

"Yeah, seriously. That attitude WILL cause you to end up..." She waited for an answer.

The twelve guards at the table went silent, waiting for an answer. Noticing one table went silent, another muted. And another, and another, until the whole mess was quietly waiting for an answer.

"Scorch?" Sharpened Spear asked quietly.

"F***ING TELL US!" A night guard yelled, causing a round of roaring laughter.

"...gentlemen." Scorch muttered before getting up and leaving the whole room in silence as he left.

After several moments, someone shouted out,"AERLION..."

Everypony stared at Aerlion Drift, even the Commanding Officers stopped eating to stare at the Lieutenant.

"You won't believe this," he finally said, "But the princesses said we would receive a 5-step up in the rank ladder if we won."

A huge cheer rose, Serrated Edge patted Shining Armor and Aerlion on the back.

"However," he yelled over the din, "Luna walked up to Scorch and stroked a hoof down his neck, before telling him 'Whatever they wanted'."

A ear piercing wolf whistle came from the Night Guards' table.

Suddenly, a throwing knife came hurtling through the air, imbedding itself in one unfortunate Guards' Flesh Mohawk atop his helmet and slamming him into a wall. Aerlion and Shining looked at the door and saw Scorch levitating 4 knives, an icy expression on his face.

"...Mentlegen." he growled. The whole mess hall once again turned to face him, the lunar guards still looking at their companion that was pinned to the wall with a piece of steel. Eyes regarded this instance as a psychotic event and noted down to put the Lieutenant in for psychiatric re-evaluation. A chair being pushed away from the officers' table signalled that Archery Sergeant Hoofman was about to take it out. Scars ravaged the deep green stallion's face as his maroon eyes glared at the lieutenant. He stomped towards Scorch-Mane, in full view of everypony in the hopes of humiliating the guard.

"LIEUTENANT SCORCH-MANE!" he bellowed in his thunderous voice, "JUST WHAT THE BUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, MEATBAG?!" The raged yell boomed through the mess hall, reverberating and shaking glasses of drinks.

"Taking action." Scorch replied, unchanging his expression.

"HEY!" the sergeant slammed a forehoof into Scorch's face, expecting a whimper of pain but receiving nothing but a grin cracking the Lieutenant's lips. "JUST WHAT THE BUCK DO YOU THINK IS FUNNY ABOUT THIS? HUH?"

"Well," Scorch laughed, "It's just that I know where your family lives." A loud 'Oooooo!' came from the assembled guards in the 50MX100M hall.

"SHUT THE BUCK UP, MEATBAG!" Hoofman replied, turning red with anger. "YOU TOUCH MY FAMILY, I'LL KILL YOU WHERE YOU STAND, ARE WE CLEAR ASSHOLE?"

"Certainly." Scorch replied. "If you would ever be able to beat me, old man." Another 'OOOOOOH!' came from the crowd. 90% of the mess tables were sat laughing at every insult made by the Lieutenant.

"I'M OLD? YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S ONE AND A HALF THOUSAND YEARS OLD!"

"Oh, Hoofman, Hoofman, Hoofman. You'll never be the stallion your mum is."

"THAT'S IT!" yelled the sergeant. "GET THE BUCK OUT! AND RUN BACK TO YOUR PRINCESS!"

"Wow, you're the master of insults, bro." Scorch smirked, rubbing a hoof on his fur and inspecting it. "I need to use that one when I'm shagging your mother again and she goes too slow."

The sergeant stopped and thought to himself. I'm getting nowhere here. I'm going to have this flankhole killed.

And with that, the sergeant stormed out, barging Scorch-Mane out of the way. Cheers erupted fromthe crowd of guards, whilst Scorch took a bow.

Victory. He thought to himself. But seriously, does he think...Me and Luna? I'm just one of her guards. Not lke she wants me, not like I want her. Still...

He dismissed these thoughts, opting to simply enjoy his win over the  over-pissed sergeant.

Chapter 6: Helper Armor is for Pussies

The match room was huge.

Grey steel flecked with Ebony made a huge dome structure, before finally going out of sight. Buildings and fortresses dotted the land, as a magic system simulated a constant flow of night, day, weather, and temperature. The size, impossibly dimensioned as it were, was yet another trick. The most powerful unicorns had combined magic and created a TARDIS style room, bigger inside than out. As far as a normal passerby was concerned, it was merely another few sets of doors in the barracks. I say 'sets', as it would be a very short match if both teams entered the same way. The doors both were in seperate rooms and linked to different points of the land.

The teams met up in one room, awkwardly sat waiting for the 'Architect' to arrive. All six stared at each other for a few minutes before Scorch-Mane broke the silence.

"I call shotgun." he suddenly said happily.

The other five waited for him to explain his outburst.

"Oh, you don't know?" He sighed in a mocking way. "They're putting a few game changers in, vehicles, armor, anti paralysants, weapons, ammo, that stuff. So I shotgun the tank if it's occupied."

"Ah, Lieutenant, you won't be concious to be able to even get in for all ten rounds." Celestia grinned.

"TEN?!?!" Cadence spat her wine out in a very unladylike manner. "I thought it was one!"

"LOL RAGEQUIT" Aerlion shouted as his pupils shrank.

"LOL" Shining Armor answered as his pupils shrank.

"LOL"

"LOL"

"LOL"

The two continued for five minutes. Scorch and the Princesses shared some friendly competetive banter, before Scorch finally gathered the courage to ask the dreaded question:

"What do you mean by you doing whatever you want to us when we lose?" He nervously asked.

"Oh, Scorch-Mane." Luna slyly smiled. "You know it's win-win for you both ways..."

Scorch's non-working wings suddenly poomphed up fast enough to shear through the wall, and his cheeks flushed hot enough to put the sun out of buisness. He emitted the nervous giggle he does when embarassed, and hid behind his mane whilst looking worriedly at Luna. Celestia leaned over to Aerlion, still LOLling, and whispered in his ear.

"You should hope you lose tomorrow. I have your 'punishment' set up, if you know what I mean."

So, to give a quick overview of the room:

Scorch-Mane: Eyes wide, hiding behind mane, wing-boner.

Shining Armor and Aerlion Drift: Both being 60's Spiderman and not giving a fuck.

Cadence: Pouring herself another bottle of wine, watching Celestia winding up Aerlion, who of course doesn't give a fuck.

Luna: Staring at Scorch-Mane, encouraging his actions.

Celestia: Purring saucy language into Aerlion's ear. He does not give a fuck.

"Sorry!" a stallion suddenly shouted as he barged in. "I got caught up with placing your game-changers, I'm late, sorry."

"LO-Oh, Scorch was right." Aerlion stopped.

"Ahem. Firstly, you will, as you can see on this projection behind me," the brown furred stallion gestured behind him, adjusting his glasses on his snout. "Effectively, you will be in a small country. Both teams will be seperated, before being pushed through the doors into the designated zone for your team. However, you will all be apart, by several miles at least"

Shining Armor raised a hoof.

"Will we be armed?" his soldierly instincts controlled his mouth.

"No," replied the Architect, "You will be forced into hoof to hoof combat, until your whole team meets. Then, we will lead you to your base camps."

"And if we die?" Scorch asked.

"You will lose a life, but will be immediately teleported back to base camp."

"So like a game?"

"Yes. Sort of."

"When we lose all our lives, do we stay there?"

"No to that. We'll teleport you to the observatory, where you can finally rest. Anything else?"

"Yes," Celestia asked. "Why not put in animals?"

"Do you eat meat?"

"Well...no..."

"There you go then, ma'am."

"Um," Cadence asked, "What'll happen if we're not seen 'dying'?"

"Ah," The Architect replied, pushing his glasses again. "Your soul will be linked in to the teleporter system, but your original body will become nothing but a husk. Clever, eh?" He raised his chin.

"What if they come back to life?" Scorch cocked his head in a condescending manner. "Do we kill them? I've never killed before. I want my original body dead." He hoofed himself in the ribs.

"That's...not for me to say. You probably may have to if it does happen."

"Fun times." Scorch muttered.

"AGREED." Everypony simultaneously spoke.

"Now, if you'll turn your attention to this point right here..." The Architect continued.

The final dinner was organised as a final conversation between teams before they began tasering each other to the ground. Each Guard sat with their respective Princess, and Vice Versa. Shining Armor was sat with Cadence at the window table,

Aerlion Drift was awkwardly sat in the dead centre of the room with Celestia, while Scorch and Luna sat on the balcony.

"Nicely done." Scorch-Mane gestured to the moon.

"Thank you." Princess Luna replied. "It comes with hundreds of years of practice."

"Nice shooting on the range, too."

"Err, thank you."

"Nice dress."

"..."

"What?"

Luna's eyes glinted for a split second before she looked down at her dress. Blue, shimmering fabric reflected the light of the moon as tiny white flecks danced about in the seams. Her mane was neatly clipped to the dress with a diamond clip. She considered the comment for a moment, before finally deducing what he was doing.

"Yes...and stop trying to seduce me."

"I'm...not..." Scorch blushed furiously behind his fur.

"You blatantly are. Ever since the throne room incident you've been different."

"No, I'm fine really."

"Tell the truth."

"I, er, am."

"This is about the whole seduction thing, and my hoof rubbing your neck, is it not?"

"No, it isn't abou-what are you doing?" Scorch asked as Luna got up and walked around to him.

"We shall see who's right." She soothed as she began to make circular motions on Scorch's shoulders with her hooves.

"What are you-ohhh..." Scorch immediately stopped being tense.

"I was right. Let us hope you win tomorrow." She purred in his ear.

"Yes Ma'am..." Scorch said in an almost trancelike manner.

"So, Shiny." Cadence asked. "Anyone I should know about?"

"No. Ever since...us, no." He replied quietly.

"Well, it was fun back then. Remember the time Twilight went to sleep early, and we-"

"I FRIGGIN' CALLED IT!" Scorch cheered suddenly, throwing Luna backwards and into a bush.

Chapter 7: I said-a help, a-hop, help-help-a-hop...

"That was good." Scorch muttered. "We should make this an annual thing."

"Good idea, we should actually do that." Celestia agreed.

The six soon to be combatants were advancing down the hallways of Canterlot castle, having a few laughs and banter. Due to a massive amount of wine, Cadence was slightly drunk and ended up walking into a few pillars, much to everypony's delighted laughter. The group fast approached the corridor to the barracks, also near Princess Luna's quarters. Shining bid goodbye to Cadence and Celestia, before heading back to the barracks.

"So," Scorch asked, still elated. "Fun?"

"Yes, I specifically enjoyed hypnotizing you." Luna giggled.

"You did not...do that."

"I did. And when we win tomorrow, I may do it again." She purred in his ear.

Poomph.

"Well, before this ends up more awkward, I'll be off."

"Ok then, Romeo."

Scorch laughed, before setting off down the hall. The loud thud of Luna's door slamming means he was alone.

"Well, well, if it isn't Mr Necked." The Night Guard growled at Scorch's arrival. The door to Scorch, Shining, Aerlion, and Serrated Edge's quarters was blocked by a thick clump of guards, all hoping to take the piss out of the three warriors.

"You've been 'anging with the princesses, aintcha?"

"Yes." Scorch coldly replied.

"You still 'aven't apologized ta' me for almost killin' me!" Another guard blurted, hoofing at his Mohawk that Scorch had knifed.

"No."

"What did yous just say?"

"No." Scorch repeated. "You deaf? Your ears are big enough."

"Alright," Serrated groaned from behind the door. "You've had your fun. Now let us go!"

"No!" the guard snapped. "You'll stay there, until we have this flankhole hanging from his innards!" He growled at Scorch.

"SCORCH! THEY'RE HOLDING US HOSTAGE!" Glinting yelped, before her voice was muffled by an unknown cause.

"Let them go." Scorch took up a defensive stance. "And you all live. If not, I'll ram that horn so far up your ass that it'll be in the news."

"What?" The Brute grinned through his fangs. "You can take a dick up your ass but you can't take a joke?" This introduced a huge roar of laughter, Solar and Lunar guards alike.

"What do you call a bunch of Black Lunar Guards running down a hill?" Scorch replied.

"I dunno, better than you?"

"No, it's called a prison break."

A gasp came at such a racist joke, as Lunar guards began slowly approaching with snarls on their mouths.

"You take that back, lover boy."

"That's what your ma said last night."

"That's it, time for your funeral!" Yelled the guard as he lunged forward at a speed even Rainbow Dash would envy. He tried to swipe his clawed boots at Scorch, who narrowly missed losing his head. Returning the parry, Scorch took a swift jab towards the Stallion. However, Scorch missed his head and the iron toothed brute sank his fangs into Scorch's bicep. Giving a yell of pain as blood seeped out, Scorch did his final move: the Colthood. Gathering his strength, he raised his rear hoof and threw it into the colt's private zone. The Lunar guard's eyes went wide, he opened his mouth and fell, a trickle of blood pouring down his snout.

Grabbing his wound and instinctively healing it with magic, he smiled, politely threatened the crowd with his knife, and went into his quarters.

"Guys?" Scorch found the lights off. "Shining? Glint? Edge?" He flicked the lights on.

"MMMMMMMM!" Mumbled Glinting as Scorch sighed and undid their bindings. "MPH-Guh!. Thanks, just in time."

"Why were they doing that?" Scorch asked. "What animus?"

"Jealousy, I think." Shining Armor replied. "They saw you with their employer, they got jealous, I think."

"Alright." Serrated Edge grunted. "Either way, it's not gonna put you off tomorrow is it? Else I might get jealous of you three."

"Yeah. Aerlion, what do yo-Aerlion? Where is he?"

Aerlion struggled for his tongue to gain dominance in Celestia's mouth. She had begun seducing him when they left the table, a subtle touch here, some well placed words there, and after a few drinks he was wrapped around her hoof. Pushing him onto her bed, she immediately began to-

(OK, OK, R34, I know. Let's just...move on... :P

Chapter 8: Paparazzi who try and help oughta shampoo my crotch.

The sound of a roaring crowd arose the four Solar and Lunar guards from their sleep, though three only for a few seconds before they rolled over and went back to sleep.. Serrated Edge clambered out of bed, and stepped onto the lower bunk. Being careful not to wake Glinting Spear up, he began poking Shining Armor in the snout in the hopes of waking him up.

"El Tee. El Tee. El Tee. El Tee. El Tee. El Tee." he repeated as he pushed his grey hoof into Shining Armor's white snout. Eventually, after roughly 150 pokes, Shining stirred and crinkled his snout as he let out a low moan. "Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up..." Serrated continued.

"Mmm..." Glinting smiled below the bunk. "Pancakes..." she sighed before rolling over again.

"Planning on waking her up any time soon?" a voice suddenly said behind him. Serrated Edge slipped over and landed on his rump, startled. Seeing Scorch barely awake, he relaxed a bit before sighing. "Nah. You?"

"Nope." Scorch attempted to extend his neck, but cursed when a loud *click* was heard. Serrated just laughed loudly, waking up the other two.

"What are you two doing this early?" Glinting asked as she rubbed the black bags under her golden eyes.

"Go on Serrated," Scorch laughed. "Tell Pancakes what you were doing."

She blushed furiously, her white cheeks turning deep crimson.

"Well, Miss Maple Syrup, we were waking up Shining so he could hear the crowd outside." Serrated answered.

"Crowd?" Glinting asked, getting out of bed. She approached the curtains, and parted them slightly before whipping them shut again as her eyes adjusted to the flashes of cameras. "Crowd." she whimpered as she fell back into bed.

"What's going on?" asked Shining Armor.

"There's a crowd outside." replied Scorch as he began performing a spontaneous eye test on Glinting. "Cameras. They probably heard about...later. Or Aerlion last night." He grinned.

"What did he do?" Serrated, Shining, and Glinting asked simultaneously.

"Shagged Celestia. Flirted with her. Maybe more."

All 3 faces went white with shock, before Glinting finally grabbed Serrated by the shoulders.

"We're gonna be executed." She cried. "Best enjoy life." she purred in Serrated's ear before finally locking lips with him. He flailed his hooves around and let out a muffled cry, before finally beginning to enjoy it. Shining and Scorch stared at this 'You-can't-rape-the-willing' moment, before facehoofing and approaching the curtains. They both slipped beside the wall, before Shining opened one curtain.

He was sure it was dark, as it was 3:00 in the morning in summer, but it was nearly impossible to tell as cameras flashed in front of the window. 4 daring pegasi paparazzi had flown up to the window, waiting for the right moment to snap some photos. Below, however, 40000 paparazzi were clicking with cameras and hoping to get better photos. Shining recoiled, slipped behind the curtains, and levitated some spare blankets over the curtain rail, blocking the camera flashes.

"Yeah." Scorch said. "Now may not be the best time to say Luna...attempted to hypnotize me on the balcony..."

"What?!"

"She succeeded."

"...Cool."

Chapter 9: Current Objective: Help [MISSION FAILED]

Princess Celestia paced back and forth in front of the doors like a shark patrolling its territory. Every so often she would stop, sip some of her wine, before placing it down and carrying on pacing. Aerlion Drift had made her feel amazing, but it didn't last, as she was incredibly nervous about the upcoming match. Would it put her off, knowing she recently...enjoyed the company of one of the opposing team? Could she shoot him without passing some innuendo?

"Tia!" came Luna's voice. "Morning! It's match day!" The night Princess pushed open the doors, an adorable happy expression on her face. The moment she opened her eyes and saw her sister looking depressed, she was obliged to ask what the problem was. After a few glasses of wine, Celestia was quite tipsy and her words were slurred, but she still managed to explain that she had recently laid a member of the opposing team, and was worried it would put her off.

"Don't worry," Luna soothed. "We should have an even bigger advantage now."

Celestia shot a confused glance at her younger sister, immediately snapping out of her stupor.

"Last night on the balcony," Luna began. "I put Scorch-Mane into a trance, and got to such a point where I could give him orders into his subconcious mind."

Celestia smiled warmly. "And? What did you order him to do?" She giggled.

"Oh, a simple obedience entrancement. If he hears the words 'Team Change: Scorch-Mane', he should simply be willing to follow our orders. It only works a few times though, and only for about 5 minutes, but that should still give us some breathing room. That, and your recent..." Luna searched for the right words. "...Escapades, with their Pegasus, we will most likely win."

"Fantasic, Lulu! Where did you learn that?"

"Every decade or so during my banishment, I would use all my gathered energy to create clone of myself that could give me a week or two of massages, entrancement..." she paused. "...pleasure..." she blushed furiously.

"Thanks for the story!" another voice suddenly cut in. They turned at the sound of a male voice in the throne room, but saw nopony there. Out of the blue, a blue unicorn with a fedora marked 'PRESS' stopped using his invisibility spell long enough for the princesses to have the looks of sheer horror photographed. "I'll be promoted for this."

And with that, he simply faded away.

"Oh, balls." Was all they could both say, before Luna finally said,

"Tia, have Cadence or the other team arrived? If not, where are they?"

Shining Armor and Princess Cadence's shields groaned at the sheer weight of hundreds of reporters pushing into them, all psychotically fanatical about getting the best reports on the coming events. Aerlion, Serrated Edge and Glinting Spear were also behind them, beating reporters back with sticks. Literally, in Scorch and Serrated's case. A loud snap was heard as both stallion's clubs snapped when a unicorn used magic to break the makeshift clubs, desperate for a chance to interview them. Scorch booted an the Unicorn in the head, knocking his camera into pieces, before spinning around and catching a whole group with a burst of magic. Serrated was simply jabbing with the snapped spears being held as a simple form of swords, swiping and bashing his way out of a sea of paparazzi. Blood paved a miserable trail of spatters where all 5 had been fighting. Aerlion and Glinting were on Anti-Air duties, flying up and shoving away pegasi who got too close.

"It's getting thicker!" Cadence yelled over the din as her shield groaned under the sheer stress of the weight being pushed up against it. "Shields can't take much more of this!"

"How's it going back there?" Shining shouted backwards, as he span around to catch an unseen object with the rim of the shield. A groan was heard over the loud ringing of the brass shield, before a blue unicorn with a press hat fell down as he faded into view. His camera smashed on impact with the cobblestone road.

"THEY'RE COMING OUTTA THE DAMN VENTS!" Scorch cried, as a loud snap signalled the breakage of another reporter's leg. "Screw it, INCOMING!"

A burst of magic flew over the heads of the two shield bearers, singing their horns, melting the top of their shields, and hitting the floor, just before a loud explosion threw the paparazzi out of the path they were using.

"RUN! GO!" he shouted, barreling forward faster than Pinkie can greet a new pony in Ponyville, and bashed into the main throne room doors, followed by the four other monarchs and guards. As soon as all 5 were in, Cadence, Shining Armor, Scorch-Mane, and Serrated Edge all combined protection spells, reinforcing the door with an unbreakable lock. Banging could be heard outside in the central courtyard.

"That...was fun..." Cadence panted, as she sat down soaked in the sweat belonging to her and possibly some other ponies. She smiled sweetly at Shining, before finally sighing, rolling her eyes and flopping onto the floor, out cold.

"Great." Scorch grumbled as he whipped out a comb and began to tidy his mane up into the 'Banker' style it's constantly perked into. "I'm not dragging Queen Coma up these stairs, Imma go see if Luna and Celestia are in there." He conjured a mirror, checked his hair and grinned, before destroying it so he could head up the marble steps.

"Flankhole." Shining growled when Scorch was just out of earshot, before levitating the Princess onto his back and following suit. He walked slowly, as going too fast would drop her off his back and down the stairs again. This extended the journey by 5 minutes for him, but Scorch carried on ahead.

When he reached the throne room it was dark. No lights, just dim enough to be able to see the thrones.

"Hello?" Scorch called out, his voice echoing through the huge room. "Anypony here?" Suddenly, something caught his eye. A slight glimmering up ahead of an ethereal mane and tail were viable through the darkness. When he approached it, a pair of deep blue eyes could be made out.

"M-ma'am?" he stuttered slightly. A seductive grin formed underneath the eyes, a perfect white set of teeth glinting in a non-existent light.

"Yes, Lieutenant?" Luna whispered.

"I-is anypony else here?" he began to get worried as she slowly moved towards him, leaning in closely to his face. "Celestia here?"

"No. Just us two. Alone in the dark. Which means..." she purred into his ear as she suddenly slammed him against a wall with magic. He was about to yell for help, when a  hoof fell over his mouth. Luna's mane and face grew closer to his. He could feel Luna's warm breath ruffling through his fur, doing nothing to relax him. She leaned forwards, positioning her snout at the base of his neck, before she slowly began to nuzzle her way up to his ear and whispered a single sentence:

"Team Change: Scorch-Mane."

The moment this was whispered, he completely blacked out, a quiet yelp emitting from inside his mouth as he felt nothing but a wash of respect for the mare in front of him. The few things he was able to see in the low light that was returning to his vision was the whole room tipping over, with Princess Luna stood over him, before she knelt down and poking his neck. His whole body shuddered in delight as the princess began breathing down his neck.

"Now then," she whispered, "Let's see what you can do." Luna soothed as she idly twirled his mane. He could do nothing but submissively nod and hope...for his orders.

Chapter 10: Not my words

"Good to see you!" Scorch beamed at the arrival of Shining Armor, Princess Cadence (now concious), Glinting Spear, Serrated Edge, and Aerlion Drift. "How are you Cadence?" He jabbed a hoof at Cadence, who reeled back with a shocked expression on his face.

"The princesses are just through there! Let's go!" Scorch bounced ahead.

"That's worrying." Glinting whispered to Serrated, who nodded in agreement.

"That's not normal. Something's up." Shining muttered just loud enough for everypony to hear. After they all had finished thinking of what may have happened, they headed through the doors to the throne room. The sight they saw was incredibly worrying: Scorch was kissing Luna's hooves, making compliments every so often. Celestia was simply sat on the other throne, bemusedly staring and giggling at the Stallion in front of her sister that was kissing her hooves.

"Err..." Was all that came out of Shining's mouth. "I'm just going to go with 'being mind controlled by Luna' and speak with them." he walked forwards, towards the thrones. Seeing this, Luna simply looked at Scorch and gave new orders.

"Please, back massage." she commanded. Scorch obeyed, walked around the back, before beginning to massage Luna's back.

"Good, you've arrived." said Celestia. "Shall we?" she stood up and a team of ponies followed her to the doors to the arena. Motioning for Luna to follow, she carried on, conversing with the Architect about the locations in the arena.

"Lieutenant, come." Luna commanded once more as she followed her sister.

"Yes, ma'am." Scorch cheerfully replied, before trotting after the princess with a spring in his step. The following group was silent, before Glinting broke it.

"Yep, mind control." she murmurred. "She's screwed with his mind. Who knows what else she's planned?" she shuddered.

"So, are you enjoying your tasks, slave?" Luna asked Scorch in as soothing a manner as she could.

"Yes." He quietly replied.

"Later, I may reward you." she sighed.

"Thank yo-" Scorch barely finished his sentence before his eyes flashed white. His expression went blank, before he finally shook his head and asked, "How...wha-"

Luna feigned surprise, holding onto him and signalling to Celestia that he was out of it.

"Don't worry, don't worry. I'm here, you're safe. You must have blacked out. But you're OK, that's important."

"Errr...Ok?" Scorch was confused.

"Just tell somepony if it happens again, alright?"

"Yeah...sure..." He began to become suspicious of her behaviour. Anyway, he may as well drop back to the group behind him. Maybe they knew something about what was happening.

"...probably just a joke." Serrated finished.

"Nope," Glinting responded, "I think she has plans for him, and I won't change my mind."

"Well, what do you think she has planned?" Shining quizzed suddenly.

"Team killing, kidnapping, I don't know. Probably some kind of match advantage. Look, here comes the butler, let's ask him."

The moment Scorch had reached the group, he was bombarded with questions.

"What do you think she did to you?"

"Did she...touch you?"

"Did you want to kiss her hooves?"

"Wait, what?" Scorch shouted over them. "What are you talking about?"

"When we walked in you were cheerful, we followed you and you were kissing Luna's hooves, then you gave her a back massage? And now you claim you have no idea what we're talking about?" Glinting grinned. "Looks like somepony has a crush."

"NO!" shouted Scorch. "I do not!"

"Oooh, yes you do." she laughed. "I bet you'd kill just to be able to kiss those lips, hmmm?"

"No..." he was starting to crack.

"Seriously, if this affects the match?" Shining glared daggers. "I'll snap your neck. Good luck reappearing from that."

Scorch began whimpering under the stress of constant teasing. The metaphorical Dam of Insult Ignorance had help up since foalhood, but now it was on the brink of imploding.

And soon it would all break loose.

Chapter 11: This chapter was written at 4:24 in the mrning, and was powered by PEALZ

The wind from the door roared through the room, whipping up manes, tails, and anything else it could grasp as the door opened at several thousand feet. In the darkened room, a team of Unicorns were preparing to switch on the recording devices in order to televise the event. A well worded argument was all that allowed the crew to record this, so they wouldn't waste this.

"OK." The Architect shouted over the loud wooshing sounds, holding onto a bar for dear life. "Who's jumping first? Shining Armor, well volunteered. Go." Shining silently protested, but still went on. He held his breath, counted to three, before letting go of the safety bars. He felt himself being sucked out of the room, before he finally began falling. Behind him, 50 metres above him, the door closed.

This is it.

Air was rushing all around him as he burst through clouds at supersonic speeds. Though his mane and fur were getting drenched and his eyes were stinging from bitter cold, he kept looking ahead. The clouds were thinning out now, and he was beginning to be able to spot major Equestrian landmarks. Ponyville, his sister's house, the big boutique thing. Now was the time to engage the thruster jets. Bopping the centre of his chestpiece, magic beams hissed out of the up-armored boots, slowing his descent and allowing him to gently land on the ground.

"That was fun!" He shouted. Now came the important part: finding a weapon or vehicle. Taking a quick gaze about, his eyes fell on a tiny glimmer of light in a bush. Trotting over and opening it, he found; a crossbow with attached flashlight, 2 boxes of 100 bolts, a potion of anti-paralysis, and a blowpipe with a canister containing 20 sleeping darts.

Satisfied, he looked up and awaited the arrival of whoever was next.

The five competitors could do nothing but watch in horror as the Architect coldly forced Shining Armor out into the 1 mile drop. It was so heartless, so cruel, tha-

"Well volunteered, Luna." He didn't even look up from what he was writing. Luna made a quiet whining sound, before shuffling to the edge. She looked out, and saw Shining falling at a very high velocity towards Ponyville, before the doors closed. The winds halted, only to come back even stronger as the door opened above Manehattan. She swallowed hard, looked back, closing her eyes and falling backwards.

By the time Luna had touched down, it was night. She had been gliding over the eerily silent city, hunting for supplies, when she caught a sliver of light emitting from down an alley. Cautiously, she approached, being careful not to leave evidence she was here. Inside, she found; a crossbow with a telescopic sight attached, a blowpipe with 50 distraction darts, a torch, invisibility potions, and, of course, a tiny box. After a few unsuccessful attempts at opening it, she tucked it into her pocket before moving on.

"You." The Architect no longer even cared about names. He simply pointed a hoof at Scorch, who yawned and stepped forward. The door shut, before opening again above the Everfree Forest. He didn't even bother watching outside for hazards, he simply emitted a loud wooping noise before performing a barrel roll, and throwing himself out.

The whole journey down was filled with cheering and yelling. Scorch did a few aerial stunts, tore clouds in half, before finally going incredibly quickly into a clearing and smashing his face on a tree canopy, then another, and another, and another, until he safely reached the ground.

"WOOOOOO!" He shouted. "OH YEAAAAAAAH!"

He stopped and looked around. Trees, as far as the eyes could see, and darkness beyond that.

"Aw. I'm lost." he made a sad noise, before sitting on top of a rock.

"So." he began. "I landed there." he pointed a hoof at the blood dripping from a tree canopy, before carrying on. "I sat here." He tapped the rock he was sat on, and a cracking noise was heard.

"Aw, bu-AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaa..." he yelled as he slid down a slide carved into rock. It twisted and turned, looped and longer, before he was finally thrown into a silvery pool. He flew in, then out, then in again, then back out. When he was finally deposited onto the rocks facefirst into a wall. His vision blurred, before he blacked out.

"You know, all just go when the doors close and open." The Architect was not even bothered anymore. Aerlion frowned, followed by Celestia and Cadence. The doors closed, then opened, and all three barrelled out, much to the frustration of the Architect.

The three of them lazily flew down, enjoying leisurely conversation and banter as they flew through clouds. Soon enough, Cadence asked.

"So you two had fun last night?" She asked politely, completely unaware of the fun they'd had. Aerlion and Celestia froze, Celestia going even paler than her white coat should allow, and Aerlion simply opting to pass out, accelerating his fall.

"Err..." Celestia blushed. "Yes?"

"I can tell!" Cadence happily shouted, much to Celestia's dismay.

"You two were all over each other last night! How could you not be attracted to each other?!"

"Um..." Celestia ran out of words. She simply opted to take the easy way out and fly away to Canterlot.

"Suit yourself. Your dinner looked delicious." Cadence shrugged before zooming off to the crystal empire.

Aerlion was hurtling towards Appaloosa, still unconcious. He awoke just in time to plow into the sand dunes and black out.

Chapter 12: I've run out of puns involving the word 'Help'.

Shining Armor loaded his crossbow, ensuring he would be ready in case of sneak attacks. However, as far as he could tell the only pony that landed near his current position was Scorch-Mane, and on that note he didn't hear the loud whoosh of thrusters activating. He may have been injured in the impact, so Shining made great haste into the Everfree forest. Making sure to keep an eye out for supplies and ambushes, he cantered from his temporary shelter in the Town Hall into the forest as his golden armor reflected all light from the setting sun, illuminating his path. He remembered what he was taught in the academy about forests.

"If it shines, it's a target. If it moves, it's dangerous. Now drop and gimme twenty."

With this in mind, he kept a steady pace into the gloom and lurking shadows of the forest, hoping he wasn't too late.

Somepony tapped Scorch-Mane into conciousness. His eyes stang from the blood that had congealed on them, his hooves were chipped beyond normal measures, and his armor was dented so far inwards he felt sharp jabs of pain when he breathed. Wincing as he coughed some blood out, he gently looked up, so as not to earn neck injuries, to see who the mystery tapper was. His eyes traced out the figure. Maroon, striped yellow...that's weird. Blue eyes, confused expression...That's uncanny. Banker styled red and yellow mane, and Lunar guard armor...How in the bu-

"El Tee." Said the replicant stood in front of him, and raised a quick salute. "You were unconcious. I pulled you here, cleaned you up, and then sat and looked at the pretty water." Scorch-Mane was shocked, before he regained his senses and looked about the room. Moss and leaves were covering the walls of the dimly lit cavern as a few rays of light shone through the cracked roof. Dead center of the room was a glowing silvery pool.

Remembering what his long, long dead mother told him, he took a guess as to where he was.

There is a place, deep within the Everfree Forest, where the Mirror Pole resides. This would let a pony copy themselves, as many times as they wished. One day, you might find it, and bring this family some money, hm?

He'd done it. He'd finally achieved his foalhood dream, to be the intrepid explorer who finds the Mirror Pole. Happily nestling this moment into his 'Cheerful Bits' folder in his mind, he realized how bulging the other folders in his filing cabinet of life were. Miserable Crap, Suicide Notes, I saw him, the titles of the folders were endless.

Frowning, he finally spoke, spitting a slight bit of blood onto the ground.

"Well, I finally copied myself." He proudly declared as he began shakily getting to his hooves, "You are now my second in command. Well done." Extending a hoof to shake, the clone stared, before happily nodding and shaking. Now all he has to do is make a team.

The night was as silent as Luna's banishment. The Princess of Night had been patrolling the streets for supplies, vehicles, and most importantly, shelter. It had started raining a few hours ago, and hadn't let up. Sighing, she carried on trudging down side roads and central streets in the hopes of finding a building that hadn't fallen apart. The district she was in was well known for being crime-ridden, and the state of the homes were prime evidence. Shattered windows, blood stains congealed onto the concrete, broken masonry and wood littered the roads. Stepping over some objects was difficult. On one occasion, she even found a whole house that had tipped onto its side, windows shattered and doors agape in a hollow scream.

After having no success where she was, she stepped underneath a balcony and sat down on a tired old chair. She removed her helmet, and began to smooth her straggled mane. After a few minutes, the rain became much heavier, so heavy in fact that she was forced to levitate a whole table above her head just to prevent herself from becoming soggy. When she finally exited the borders of the run-down district and entered the residential district, she went inside the nearest house and simply slept on the sofa in a deep, dreamless sleep.

Cadence was happy where she was. The moment she arrived, she saw a chest, and found; a crossbow with smoke canister launcher, a sack of smoke grenades, a taser, 50 stun bolts, Paralysis poison to be tipped onto bolts, and a laser pen. Picking all these up and latching them onto the armor she had specially designed for high ranking officers in her ranks, she trotted off to find shelter, clicking the laser pointer on and off as she went. Lasers were refracting all over the place when she shone the tiny pink beam into the larger crystals.

To top all this off, the first house she entered had a fireplace with a small sack of coal next to it. Cheerfully lighting the fire, she felt her whole body relax as the warming rays slowly lulled her to sleep on the sofa.

Aerlion Drift spat out at least 5 snout-fuls of sand, trying to remove the dryness from his mouth. When he had landed, the crater he created uncovered one of the chests he was supposed to find. I say 'uncovered', but more accurately he had dug through the ground and slammed his snout into it. The only 2 reasons he was aware of this were the blood stain on the box and the incredible pain in his snout. Upon opening the chest, he had the greatest award for the pain he had endured on impact. Inside he found; a large crossbow with a scope and laser pointer, a few extra pieces of armor plate to make up for the different configuration Pegasi had, 200 bolts, a nightstick, and a knockout gas grenade. After quickly attaching the armor and loading the bow, he spread his wings and flew up to look for shelter.

It didn't take long, as right next to the crater was a small shack with a tiny oasis nearby. Swooping down Aerlion could see inside the shack through the dirtied windows.

A table and two chairs were set up in the corner, accompanied by a small coal oven and workbench opposite. Nearby, a small canvas bed was held up by chains in a crude prison-like style. The rest of the building was made of wood, except a metal trough outside that linked to the Oasis. A pair of dried palm trees shaded over a small wooden chair and table, behind that a barbecue. Satisfied, he gingerly dropped onto the sand in case of burning. When none occured, he smiled and headed inside.

Princess Celestia was completely entranced by the fact they got her bedroom correct down to the last manebrush on her dresser. She hoped they had the pantry stocked, as the flight from Appaloosa to Canterlot had ravaged her with hunger. Making sure to remove her armor plating, she trotted down the errily silent corridors into the kitchens. No chefs, but she could remember how to cook. She was taught only a few decades ago, how hard could it be to light a stove?

All of the other 5 survivors looked to the castle, spotting thick black smoke billowing from the kitchen windows. A single message came over their radios, the first of the match.

"Ummm...guys, is lettuce supposed to be on fire?"

Chapter 13: Seriously, I can't think of any.

Shining Armor had been hoofing it for at least an hour before he stopped to take a rest. Last he'd heard, Celestia had managed to start a fire in the kitchen, and nopony had been bothered to go and help. He may have been the only one who thought it was a trap. Some static came over the radio, possibly from somepony on his team, but he didn't really care, he just needed a break. Darkness was washing over the forest rapidly, and soon he'd have to begin the painstaking process of scanning around with the flashlight. Parking his plot onto a fallen log, he wiped the sweat off his brow and attempted to remember fully why the hell he was in this predicament. He considered it, but the possibility of a sneak attack while he was lost in thought was too great. After catching his breath for at least 20 minutes, he reached for his crossbow and hoofed the button on the light. A faint click was heard, and a beam of light shone through the forest, slowly fading as the rays spread far away into the night. Finally, he huffed as he stood up and began shining the light into the undergrowth.

And so, I save his sorry plot again. he thought to himself. He'd better not be sat making no contributions to the team.

"...And that is where you all come in." Scorch finished telling his plan to the 256 strong crowd crammed into the cavern. His clones assisted in the cloning process so he could have a bigger clone army (Yo, dawg!), so he only had to say the rhyme 7 times before he had a small battalion in his service. The Princesses may have laid one of their team, managed to gain mind control over him and one of the princesses probably laid another, but let's see what they've done to 256 CLONES of him! At most, they were militaristic drones with major differences in personality, (One claims to be the Guard side of him and refuses to stop staring at the entrance to the cavern "in case of infiltrators", whilst another came out as a mare and claims to be his mare side. She is currently his left hoof mare.) they still form a loosely dangerous army when combined. "Any questions?" 1024 hooves all pounded the ground as the cavern boomed and shook as a simultaneous 'No, El Tee!' roared from his audience.

"El Tee?" whispered his second in command from just next to his perch atop a rock. Scorch looked down, patiently awaiting the replica. The first of him to be created, this was his 'Self-Admiring' side, constantly complimenting, er, himself.

"Yep?" he informally replied. He was talking to himself.

"This is televised." whispered the clone. "I think it would be a good idea to alert the other copies."

"Yeah," his mare side replied, "you might get a bigger chance of more respect." she nudged him in the arm. "Who knows? Maybe you'll stop being lonely."

"Hey, shut u-Mmm, that's true." Scorch's ears drooped, but picked up as he adressed the troops. "I was just informed, that our success is to be broadcast all around Equestria. We'll probably just be seen as a rag-tag group of failures, but that's what we're NOT!" he arose a cheer. "We are warriors! To be shown to innocent families that guards aren't for decoration! Why are we here?" He asked, really getting in the mood.

"FOR HONOUR!" The crowd roared.

"And how do we get it?"

"NO FIGHT, NO GLORY!" the crowd broke into excited cheers, and broke off.

"Well, that went well. Thanks for the reminder." Scorch winked at Scorchette, who rolled her eyes and trotted off. Satisfied he'd done enough, he led the troops out of the cavern and back the way he came.

The moment Celestia opened her eyes, a crossbow tip was being pushed into her snout. Eyes still bleared from the smoke, she traced the weapon and who was aiming it. He deep purple eyes moved up the figure. As soon as she saw the armour she was confused. Which armour config. was it? After a few seconds, she tried to move her eyes to see the face, but it was covered by a pair of black goggles and Black mask covering the rest of the face. The only thing she could hear besides her erratic heartbeat was muffled breathing coming from inside the mask. She'd heard it before; during the Earth Pony rebellion of 67AC (After Celestia) she had had plenty of masked figures pointing weapons at her when she went out fighting. It was even worse when she was taken hostage: nothing but Masked Guerilla warriors carrying weapons of all kinds were surrounding her. But this one had a horn coated black from the soot and wings covered in a black plating.

"Mmph hmmhmmhmmph phount fou." Came a muffled voice. In possibly the least understandable way, she figured one of the other two princesses had found her. But why was she being threatened?

"Is that one of you two?" Celestia stuttered. "Why? I thought this was team based!"

At that moment, the mask fell, revealing Cadence's pink snout in a snarling gap.

"Your idea of teams?" Cadence coldly glared through the goggles. "Just got overruled." she growled as she fired into Celestia's skull. Though the round didn't go through, or in for that matter with no pain, Hundreds of volts ripped through the Alicorn's body, causing her to let out a whimper and fall without a sound, her vision dimming. After several seconds of darkness, a tiny light formed in the dark, before engulfing her in a rainbow of colours. She found herself being pulled through a tunnel with seemingly no end. Suddenly, in the end of the cylinder, she could see a hole. In a flash, she was ripped through it.

Luna had finally finished scavenging when a message came over the radio once again. Celestia once again spoke into the microphone, sounding dazed.

"Guys, Cadence just attacked. Scrap the teams, it's everypony for themselves."

Luna dropped her crossbow in surprise. She thought she had an advantage over one of them, but the other four? No advantage. She immediately shook her head, snapping out of her trance and steeling herself for the coming onslaught.

Chapter 14: Teamkilling doesn't help. WOOHOO! I THOUGHT OF A CRAPPY PUN

Scorch squinted in the daylight. After 24 hours in a cave, he had seen nothing but murk and gloom. As he checked his surroundings, he noticed the massive pool of blood that had been hardening in the grass. Good, that's where he landed. As he scanned the bushes for a box, a something pressed against his flanks. His ears pricked up, he blushed and turned to see Scorchette nudging his plot with her hoof.

"What is it?" He muttered as his cheeks practically melted from inner heat. His clone gestured to 'Soldier' Scorch-Mane, who was pointing in a bush. The helmet worn atop his head was covering his eyes, and his mouth was constantly expressing an angry snarl. He snapped his neck 90 degrees in an incredibly worrying fashion and directed his unreadable yet steely gaze upon Scorch.

"BOX." shouted Soldier Scorch, still jabbing a hoof into the bush, before pointing around the forest clearing at the other Scorches in a threatening manner. "THIS IS MY BOX. YOU ARE NOT WELCOME TO TOUCH MY BOX." he yelled.

"Cool down, I've got this." a voice came from behind him. Every Scorch clone in the area turned to look at the owner of the voice. "Casual-Mane is on the case." and with that, a clone stepped out from the crowd and casually walked towards Soldier Mane.

"DO NOT TOUCH ME, I DID NOT ORDER YOU T-" he was cut off by a swift backhoof to the snout. A gasp arose from the crowd, as Casual proceeded to buck Soldier in the head repeatedly. After some murmuring, a voice piped up as a Scorch jumped in the air.

"Oh, I GOT 20 BITS CASUAL KICKS HIS FLANK!" he cheerily yelled.

"No way." another shouted. "You're wastin' cash, kiddo!"

"Kiddo?" Pinkie Mane shouted back, as he bounced through the crowd. "I'm 3 seconds older than you!"

"Shut up!" yelled another as yet more fighting broke out. Original Scorch simply lay down on the ground, covered his snout and wept, being comforted by, er, himself.

"No wonder I'm considered bipolar."

That was when a crackle came over the radio.

"...every pony for themselves."

Scorch's eyes went wide. If teamkilling was allowed... He turned his neck and saw 254 clones glaring and snapping at him, some armed with makeshift clubs. He did his nervous giggle, and slowly got to his feet, edging carefully towards the box of equipment. If he could get the crossbow, he might stand a chance against himself. Wind whistled gently through the trees, making it all seem more standoff-ish. The sunset was burning the remainders of trust still held in the small army that may have remained when the message came over the radio.

All of a sudden, the clone at the front looked to his right. The bushes were rustling.

Somepony was in there.

Shining Armor cursed quietly, wiping off thorns that had stayed in his fur from the previous thorn patch. His armor was scratched to tartarus, he was cold, and beginning to regret ever bursting through the doors to save the princesses. Pulling out the last spike, he hefted the reassuring weight of his crossbow with his magic and stepping down from the log. He immediately resumed stalking the woods. He knew the princesses' team was breaking, according to a panicked radio message from Celestia, but he still had every intent of finding his team. He span around to check he wasn't being followed, before turning again. A sudden sound caused him to drop to the leaf covered forest floor and aim his weapon around. He carried on listening. It appeared again. A voice, and very loud.

"BOX." It sounded like Scorch-Mane, and the tiny bit of red he could see confirmed his theory. He sighed, and almost got up when he heard another voice.

"Casual-Mane is on the case." it also sounded like Scorch. Then came the theory-shattering thing; a maroon hoof pounded into Scorch's face. He wouldn't punch himself. He darted into a nearby bush, still watching the two Scorches, when a low snarl was heard behind him. He quickly span and expected to see a Manticore drooling into the bush, but instead saw at least another 250 Scorches in a small clearing, all glaring at one Scorch cowering on the ground. He didn't know which was real, and shifted his weight uncomfortably, rustling the bush.

The TV station manager was much happier this morning. Everypony knew why; the ratings of their broadcasting of the events involving the princesses and their guards had rapidly launched skywards. That, and the story given to them from a hospitalized blue reporter about Luna's time on the moon,  he would make millions of bits a day. He sighed happily, adjusted

his suit and tie, before smugly trotting into his office and pouring himself a glass of G&T.

Chapter 14: This is Shining Armor. Twily, I might not be able to help you ever again.

The massive crowd of replicants split into 4; One quarter went for the bush,  another, much larger portion went for original Scorch-Mane, the other two willing to simply watch the two fights occurring within their midst. Shining Armor swallowed hard, and he had a decision to make: him? Or Scorch? It didn't take long to decide to try to be noticed for a promotion to increase the victory reward and go for his team-mate. He prepared to shoot the 100 strong crowd's apparent leader the moment they parted the bushes. The wave of maroon slowly crept closer, the figurehead clone grinning psychotically and his eye twitching ever-so-slightly as he approached the foliage cover. A sudden burst of adrenaline and Shining abandoned his surprise attack plan. He soared through the air, fuelled by a fanatical desire to do many brutal things to somepony he hated. (Of course, it wasn't really Scorch, these were clones. But hey, clone skulls still make decent decorations right?)

He flung himself into the leader, swiping hooves at him in a desperate attempt to rip his head off, and pulling the trigger on his crossbow with enough force to bend the metal slightly. Despite the lack of aiming, the bolt found it's mark and thunked into Psycho Scorch's armor. The replica fell without a sound as several thousand volts whipped through his nerves and 'killed' the copy. A loud clunk was heard as the plated armor crashed into the ground, ripping grass and staining it with faint amounts of blood. As this clone hit the dirt, another two were falling with cracked jaws and heads stuck together with their horns in each other's skulls. Another 10 fell after a burst of magic from Shining Armor's horn. He didn't care about the Griffonia Convention and its rules of war, he simply wanted Scorch-Mane to die.

The gathered ponies in town hall watching the broadcast coming from Canterlot could do nothing but gasp in horror at what Twilight's brother was doing. Ponyville's usually cheerful demeanour died when Celestia was shot by Cadence. A few ponies dared to cast a glance over at Twilight Sparkle, but were snapped back to watching the film when another clone's head exploded in a burst of brains and bone. The popping noises would keep everypony awake for days to come. The recording crew was simply changing between helmet cameras, but they were staying on Shining Armor's because the others were being boring. Every once in a while a clone would land a decent hit, but were promptly dealt with. Twilight was almost in tears. Rainbow Dash was drooling in her sleep. Applejack was slowly edging away from the blood red punch in the bowl. Pinkie was paler than...a pale thing. Fluttershy was not there, there was simply a new tree outside. Rarity was stifling vomit.

It all calmed for a second, but that's when everypony realized Shining had been hit and was going unconcious. Twilight yelled "NO!", but it was too late. He was already on the floor, lying looking at Psycho Scorch's corpse. The eyes were staring ahead, the face in a look of shock.

That's when they snapped back up and stared at Shining, the psychotic grin returning to his face. Almost everypony screamed at the sudden horror film-esque ending. Rainbow let out a snrrk. Waking up, she saw everypony screaming, and didn't get it until she looked at the screen.

Chapter 15: Escape before Help cannot Help.

Scorch was wincing as he saw just what Shining was going to probably do to him. Blood covered the forest floor, glinting in the high sun, it caked the trees, drenched fur, and, more disturbingly, moved about. Using the moment as a distraction, he darted backwards when all eyes were averted from him and he quickly rummaged through the contents of the chest in the bush. Inside, removing a huge chunk from his rapidly decreasing sanity, he found: a small taser, a nightstick, some matches, and a gas-mask. The only thing in there worth enjoying was a small pipe and tobacco pouch that was nestled under the Gas-Mask. Deciding now would be the best time to sneak away, he closed his blue eyes and concentrated a teleportation spell for him and Shining. Just before he was due to leave, he heard the thing he was dreading: a crossbow bolt impacting a shiny set of armor.

Still preparing the spell, Scorch was feeling the stress of such concentration his limited and tiny mind could provide. Just before he was about to pass out, he released and was gone in a flash, leaving behind mere black marks on the floor where he was stood but seconds ago. The clones were confused for a while at what just happened. A rescue attempt that failed because the rescue-ee got himself out? One clone lowered his club, before shouting into the crowd, "Ok. Let's go kill somepony else." A murmur arose as the 230 strong crowd stopped tapping the dead bodies and wandered off. The few things left behind were either useless objects, broken clubs, dead bodies, and Shining Armor. Suddenly, a way off sound came from the distance, a loud yell was heard, all the way from Canterlot to Appaloosa.

Aerlion awoke with a sudden jolt. His head throbbed, his brown fur and white mane were ruffled to tartarus, and his legs were cramped. He'd had a few days in, finding ways to further increase his combat readiness, and spent the last day sleeping. He groaned audibly, rolled onto his hooves and had a leg-gasm. After he had finished getting high on bicep contractions, he grabbed one of the water bottles from the fridge he'd created from a disused fan and ice-pack and drank deeply as he savoured his last bottle. Two days before, he had been gathering his useful gear into a rucksack. This included the Crossbow, a few empty water canteens he would fill on his way past the Oasis, a shield made of some old corrugated iron, and some food. After ensuring it was all where he'd placed it, he grabbed his large sack (Errr...no, that's not what she said...) and began his slow journey across miles of harsh terrain towards Appaloosa.

At least 7 hours later, after some Bear Grylls styled piss-drinking, he finally reached the small town. Being the friendly Pegasus that he was, he happily trotted in and expected to make allies with the civillians. After spending 2 hours hunting down anypony without any success, he shrugged, admitted defeat, and headed for a nearby barn for shelter. Aerlion opened the door a crack. He could see nothing except a few waning beams of light coming from other cracks in the wood.

Perfect spot for an ambush, he considered, placing his rucksack down under a tree and retrieving his crossbow. I'm guessing the princesses will be in here waiting to have my flanks, so why not leave with a bang?

Steeling himself, he counted to five before bursting inside with his crossbow raised. He rapidly span around with his weapon held with one hoof to his shoulder, prepared for Luna to knock him over and do whatever she did to Scorch unto him, yet nopony slammed him to the ground in a flurry of pink, navy blue, or white fur. After waiting a few seconds for something to happen, he lowered his crossbow and left for a few seconds before returning with his backpack slung on his back.

"Base camp." he smiled to himself, hanging his helmet onto a nail above the box he positioned his crossbow onto, and threw his bag towards a pile of hay.

"Unnn..." came a female voice. His ears pricked up, and he frantically began looking around to find where it came from. His eyes finally landed on a white thing with his bag on top of it. Gently, he slinked over with his hooves raised in case it was Celestia.

It was.

Chapter 25: Or is it chapter 16? Psychological warfare, bwuhahaha.

Scorch, despite his best efforts, had gotten lost. About 10 minutes before, he was cowering in the dirt from a hundred of his clones who were trying to KILL HIM. He noted to himself to get mental help at some point, and began poking about in the forest. It was nearly impossible to see anything, murk and gloom encased everything beyond 5 metres of his vision. He could hear the rustle of leaves as he gingerly slipped through plants and crawled under fallen logs. This part of the Everfree was...creepy. The other, more accessible points in the forest had much more light, as little as there was, and there was NEVER a thick green bank of fog that impeded vision. Just as he thought of these abnormalities, he smacked his snout on something. Silently yelling in pain, he held onto his maroon nose and looked forwards to see what he had walked into.

Not a foot away from him, there was a fence of iron bars, that seemingly disappeared into the fog either side. Signs in an old and almost forgotten language were covering it. Luckily, in his few days studying Ancient Equestrian in Griffonia, he could slightly grasp what it said.

"Avoid...here....Not....safe....by....order of Canterlot....military?" Scorch muttered to nopony in particular. "Unsafe? I'll show you bucking unsafe..." he trailed off, a determined expression returning to his face as he swiftly vaulted over the fence. Almost a flawless jump, save for the part where he caught a hoof on the fence, flipped over, and smacked face-first into the dirt below. He tried laughing it off, but then he discovered he didn't like laughing much. After a simple shrug and equipment check, he continued his trek across the forest into unidentified zone.

Twilight Sparkle stopped hyper-ventilating long enough to see what was on the screen. The corner of the screen now said 'Lt. Scorch-Mane' instead of her brother's name, and the scenery had changed majorly. Instead of a forest clearing with a psychopath slowly getting up after being shot, the camerapony was now in an unidentified part of the Everfree Forest, in front of an iron-cast fence. On the fence were some signs written in Ancient Equestrian. She was just about to run home and get a translation book, but was beaten by the stallion on screen.

"Avoid...here..." Began the voice. "Not...safe....by order of Canterlot....military?" he sounded confused. Twilight immediately knew who this stallion was. Her brother often wrote about his antics during his letters, and Scorch-Mane was occasionally written of. Mostly because he kept being incessantly set alight for no reason. She smiled. At least she could go find out what was over that fence. With that thought in mind, she slipped out of the town hall relatively unnoticed before going at full trot towards the library. The Oak Tree still had one light on, the kitchen light, meaning Spike was still awake. She frantically hammered the wooden door with her hoof like a zombie trying to get in, in the hopes of satisfying hunger. Her hunger was for knowledge, and she never starves. After 30 seconds, the door creaked open, a drowsy Spike stood half-asleep on the other side. He looked up, and was suddenly rejuvenated when he saw Twilight smiling down at him on the other side.

"So?" he eagerly asked, "Are you here to tell me to come and watch? Is it cool? I heard cheering a few minutes ago, was that for-" he was cut off by a purple hoof into his mouth.

"No, Spike." Twilight rolled her eyes, nudging past the baby dragon. "It's a slight gory."

He cocked his head at the word.

"Gory?" he asked. Twilight stopped looking through books.

"Bloody?" she replied.

He shook his head.

"Gruesome?"

More head shaking.

"Filled with blood and pain?"

Spike emitted a quiet 'Aaah...' of realization, and headed off upstairs unnoticed by Twilight. She continued rummaging through shelves, cabinets, and nooks to find the right book. After 10 minutes, she finally found it.

"Here we go," she said aloud. "'Everfree Secrets: a Tourist's guide'." She did a quick scan of the contents, before darting to the section titled, 'The Fenced Off Zone'.

"Upon finding this fence, turn around." She read. "There is an as-of-yet unidentified entity patrolling this zone. Upon its discovery, 57 Lunar Stallions were sent out to analyse the threat. After several days, only one of them returned. This guard promptly died." Twilight reeled back in horror, dropping the book and running out of the door and heading back to the town hall. She had to tell somepony. Somepony had to know there's something about to happen.

Celestia mumbled to herself as her vision began to return. Through the blurs, she could make out a brown Pegasus with a white mane stood over her, a worried expression on his face. She couldn't tell if he was going to attack, so she slowly sat up from the position she was in. She must have been sleeping in hay, as yellow strands flaked off of her fur. Her armor had been removed, and was lying against a wall across the room. She began to panic. 'Has he really...? On live cameras? Oh my...' she thought to herself, attempting to get up before being pushed down.

"Calm yourself," Aerlion said as he attempted to hold her down, "You're in no state to move." She stopped at his words. 'Of course. Cadence went a bit crazy, so I may well be wounded. "I had to bandage your wounds. A lot of soot was on your armor and it had dented into your chest as well, so I put it over there." He pointed at her blackened armor set lying in the corner of the room. She finally lay back.

"Thank you." She sighed. "For saving me. That's a kind hearted thing to do, saving a member of the other team. Well done." she smiled at him, causing him to blush slightly and look away. "Have you seen the other two princesses? Either of your team-mates?"

"No, not yet." He replied as he began to remove his armor. "Last I heard, your team has begun to shatter, Luna has Scorch-Mane in some kind of hypnotic trance, Shining Armor...I don't know, and Cadence attacked you." He grinned at her as he started on his boots. "And you still want to gather your team?" Celestia's ears drooped.

"Y-yes..." she mumbled.

"Either way, you won't be going anywhere with those cracked ribs. Must have been one tartarus of a shot." Aerlion continued, pointing down at her. She followed his hoof and saw her lower and upper torso. There was a grey bandage running around her upper torso, spiralling down before tying off at her stomach. "Still, this place isn't the Canterlot Hospital, and I'm no Steady Hoof. You might want to get those checked out. After this ends, that is."

"Yes," she winced as she tried to force a laugh. "I can't see myself flying off to Canterlot right now."

"Oh, by the way, what DID Luna do to Scorch?" Aerlion enquired. He had finished unclipping his gunmetal-grey chestplate, which he was mounting on the wall.

"Well..." Celestia began. Her magenta eyes looked up as she remembered what Luna told her. At least she had company to tell this tale to, even if he WAS a member of the opposition. She could think of one pony who wasn't going to be able to speak to anybody for a while.

Luna had finally found a ride. As unreliable as it was, a MKII 'Lumbervan' 4X4 Oil Vehicle was still faster than on hoof, and less tiring. The keys were in the ignition still. After spending a second to commend the unicorns who designed this replica of Equestria, she made sure nopony was looking before diving into the jeep. Due to cartoon physics, she popped up in the driver's seat, and began to look over the dashboard. Her ears drooped when she realized what she had overlooked; she had no clue how to turn it on, never mind drive it. Rubbing a hoof on her chin, she began craning her neck around the driver's compartment, in a futile attempt at activating it. After around 20 minutes, it was getting dark, but she had thankfully found out that turning the keys would activate it. Smiling smugly, she span the keys and the motor roared to life. Lights sparked on and emitted a dim light that cut through the darkness in the alleyway. Success. She thought to herself as a sudden urge told her to slam the pedal into the metal. She did just that, and the engine growling like a beast willing to serve it's master, the vehicle motored backwards and slammed into a wall. She tried laughing it off, but realized her new challenge:

Make it go FORWARDS.

Chapter @%: You are a horrible person. That's what I said: a horrible person.

Luna's jeep, despite the earlier difficulties, was now tearing down the roads towards Canterlot. The headlight beams were disappearing way into the night, illuminating bushes and turns. Luna was used to the night; she could quite easily see without the lamps. The only problem with that idea was that nopony, her team or other team, would be able to know where she was. Despite this potential tactical disadvantage, she continued, the black jeep powering over the rocks and jumps of an unused path. Out of the dark came a sudden flash, temporarily causing Luna to shield her eyes when a loud thump was heard against the bonnet. She desperately turned the wheel in a futile attempt at keeping the vehicle steady. The jeep skidded sideways, went onto two wheels before dropping fully onto the road. Oh dear. thought Luna as she fell out of the car, trying desperately not to fall over when she ran over to what she hit. Boots clinking against stone ground, she cantered over. The flash turns out to have been a respawning. The respawning pony was none other than an incredibly wounded Scorch-Mane, clutching his chest as though to hold in his innards and his face in a pained expression. Luna frowned, and just as she turned to go back to her jeep, a voice spoke in her head.

You're leaving him? He's in pain! How cold-hearted can you be?! said the voice. Luna returned fire.

He'll most likely kill us the moment he gets the chance. Victory cannot be secured without brutality."

"But victory isn't what drives you, is it? I know what it is, it's nothing but lust. Lust for the guards' failure so that you might-"

"No! 'Tis a lie! To prove we are right, we shall save him. Art thou happy now?"

"Yes." Luna stopped, deciding her conscience had won, but carried on to the jeep.

"D-don't leave me here." came a feeble voice. This time, Luna stopped and opened her eyes. "I-I'm too c-cold. I might d-die in this state. Please. If you don't want to save me, at least spend my last moments with me." she turned around and looked at the weak figure on the floor. He was right, he was cold. His whole body was shivering and rattling the plates of armor he wore. He was barely concious, and looking hopefully at Luna, in a final, desperate attempt at keeping himself alive. Luna couldn't resist the blue, tear filled eyes looking at her. She closed her eyes, and surrounded the guard on the floor with a magical blue aura, levitating him in front of her face.

"No guard of ours is to die under our care." she smiled warmly. "Come. We were on our way to Canterlot to find our sister and Princess Cadence. Thou shall accompany us to the castle, where you will be thrown into the dungeons."

"Th-thank you." he tried to return the smile, but upon failing coughed up some blood, before passing out. His eyes fluttered shut, and still held by the princess, she trotted with him back to the jeep. Positioning him in the back seat was no easy task. The seats were rather small. She ignored this, lay him on the seats and watched quietly for a few moments.

That's when a sudden force drove her to do the unexpected: she leaned forwards and kissed him on the forehead. A few small sparkles went down from her mane, until she finally moved back.

"Thou art most welcome." she whispered, before shutting the door and getting into the driver's seat once more.

Cadence frowned. Shooting the Princess wasn't very clever, as now she had all of the other five competitors hunting her down. Deciding her vantage point in Cloudsdale was still relatively good, she began looking about with squinting eyes, trying to discern the location of any other competitors that she could get rid of. She ruffled her wing feathers to warm them up; inactivity had rendered them numb to her commands. Deciding to wait until sunrise for hunting, she stood onto all four hooves, arched her back so that her spine was back into place, before flying off to Canterlot. Unfortunately, she faced a 40 minute flight whilst being very tired. Eventually, after Canterlot was finally in sight, her body simply lost it, falling several feet onto a balcony. Unforunately, the balcony was made of marble, and she felt herself impact the solid rock and collapse into blackness.

Chapter 173: War has Rules

The Architect prowled the camera studio, awaiting his assistant's return. His orders, as simple as they were, had only just been carried out days after he had issued them. He desperately wanted to know why the teams seemed to be working together, and why the BUCK was romance blossoming between members?! He'd been signed up for the job so he could tell citizens of Equestria that the Princesses were not just for show, and that they were tough. Yet here he stood, his brown fur illuminated by the constant moonlight that had stayed since Luna left. He may as well have been waiting for the wedding invitations. He emitted another low growl to himself, cursing with such a vocabulary that even Twilight would be ashamed, and sighed. A sudden thud across the room signalled the entry of his assistant. The Architect muttered under his breath, before trotting over to the mare stood by the doorway.

The stallion glared at the grey mare for several seconds, before finally speaking. "About time." He hissed.

"I-I'm sorry, sir." the mare whimpered. "I-it's just that...um..."

The Architect continued his mental image of her head on a pike.

"Well?" he spoke louder.

"Er...the recording team doesn't know." The Architect's eye began to twitch, his pupils shrinking as his blue eyes went wide.

"They...Don't...Know..." he trailed off to himself. His assistant began to slowly back away, trying desperately to get out of the room before he unleashed his inner madpony. "No. They REFUSE to know! YES!" The Architect turned around, standing in the center of the room. Silence ensued for around five seconds, before he began to laugh. Slowly, but ever-so-certainly, it got louder. And louder. And louder. Up to the point where he was stood laughing to himself as his mare assistant bolted out of the room and down the corridor.

Followed by the camera crew, techies, reporters, and simple assistants, before the Architect eventually exploded with rage, throwing tables and chairs and many other things around with a dark magic. The maniacal laughing echoed through the night, rousing sleeping ponies and encouraging an angry mob to start in Canterlot.

"...so, then Cadence found me, shot me, and here we are having this conversation." Celestia finished proudly, magenta eyes shutting as she made a noise that would make Buck Norris 'd'awwwww'. Aerlion had sat listening to the whole story, trying to piece together what had happened over the past few days in this false Equestria. The Princess and her Guard knew that they shouldn't be working together. But, considering Princess Luna and Scorch-Mane were in the same situation as they were, they both assumed that for the time being it would be perfectly fine. Luna's radio message had brought up questions a-many. As far as everypony knew, Scorch-Mane had 'died'. But as far as the contestants knew, the unicorns who designed this sickening game had decided to put in an entity that probably didn't kill. In all likelihood, its attack on the Lieutenant had the same effect as a bolt to the head, abeit millions of times scarier. But what if the contestants did, in an unfortunate circumstance, actually die? Would they still come back? And after the competion was over, would they still be themselves without their old bodies?

Luna's message was quite clear. "Sister, I have accidentally run over Scorch-Mane. I'm saving him, he may die in the cold weather. Luna out." Quite simply, from what the solar goddess could gather, Luna was having her mind messed with. Still, even if it was a trick, they still had the advantage of mind control over Scorch-Mane. She turned her attention to Aerlion, who was curling up into a ball and covering himself with hay for the night. Just as he removed his helmet, Celestia spoke up.

"You know," she said to him in her silky voice, "it may make more sense to share body heat." Aerlion stopped, looking over at the princess, a sly grin on her face. He considered it was a trap, but she did have a point. Appaloosa was cold at night, and without central heating in the barn they would slowly receive hypothermia. He stopped, considered her offer, and immediately darted over and under her wing, a submissive expression on his face as he gently snuggled up next to the princess. In less than three seconds the heat from the combined sun goddess and over-worked guard had warmed the both of them up. A few minutes of gentle nuzzling and quiet thankings for what the princess was doing for him, he asked her an important question.

"Why? Is this because I helped you stay alive after you were attacked?" Aerlion murmured, desperately trying to keep his eyelids from fluttering shut so he could hear the answer. A sudden warmth against his forehead immediately destroyed all resistance against the princesses' charm. His eyes closed fully as he let out a relieved sigh. His brown head and neck dropped onto the hay-pile as his white mane was covered by Celestia's wing.

"No." Celestia replied. "It's because I love you." With that comment made, the injured princess quietly put her right forehoof over Aerlion's tired body before closing her eyes to get some decent sleep.

Chapter 9.9.9.9.9.9: Capture means death. Death means no respawn.

"Come on, Lieutenant!" Luna yelled backwards to Scorch-Mane, still clutching his chest as they both galloped as fast as they could away from the army. The clones had finally found them. Scorch had no time to explain when Luna first saw them all, and simply told her to run. The only reason they had to run was because of a roadblock the clones had erected using some fallen logs. The jeep had skidded to a halt, and they had to run as far away as they could. HitMane was leading the group, and his ruthless efficiency was matched only by his sadistic ways of removing captured opponents. Luna was too -cough- young to die, so she dragged the original Scorch out of his unconcious state and into the darkness. The lieutenant was slowly rebuilding his strength, but without a weapon he was powerless.

"Slow down!" he wheezed back at her, stumbling over the odd rock. And when he finally did catch up to Luna, she stopped and turned herself invisible, smiling as she did it, and allowed Scorch-Mane to be surrounded. Clones charged in from left and right, securing the zone whilst they waited for their boss to arrive.

"We got ya." Mocking Scorch laughed, aiming a crossbow at him. The travels of the army had gathered weapons and supplies from all around.

"Hmm hmm." Mumble-Mane grunted. "Boss here."

"What? 'Bsshrrr...'?" Mocking replied. "What, fat got your to-SIR!" he yelled the moment the smartly dressed clone arrived. The boots were polished so much that there was next to no iron left on them, his helmet crest was slicked back in an almost fij like way, and the chestpiece had been replaced by a sharp black tuxedo.

"Right." he muttered. "Let's sort you out." HitMane motioned for two clones to restrain the original, who was suddenly slammed to the forest floor, held in place by a powerful deep red aura. No matter how much he tried, he was no match for double strength magic. HitMane levitated a scalpel from seemingly nowhere. "Can't have loose ends." he smiled. The scalpel slowly approached original Scorch, gently running the tip along his throat. "Psycho will be so pi-" HitMane was cut off by a loud crack as an unidentified force smacked him in the back of the helmet. After a few seconds of stuttering and clutching his head, the smartly dressed pony smacked to the floor, a crimson pool forming around his snout. A few seconds of confused muttering occured before Mumble was given the same treatment, then came Mocking, then the rest. Eventually, the small clearing was filled with dead bodies, all lying clutching their heads with the look of confusion forever plastered on their faces.

"What...the buck..." Scorch began to say as he got up amid the pile of bodies. A sudden tapping on his armor caused him to turn and come snout-to-snout with Luna, still smiling. Her tealy-blue eyes stared deeply into Scorch's, momentarily entrancing him before he shook his head and cleared his throat, blushing furiously.

"Th-thanks. Ahem. It's not, er, like I needed your help. I, could have, uh, dealt with..." he trailed off, his eyes catching the princesses and he carried on staring. Every bone in his aging body told him 'It's a trap!' and 'That's no moon!', but he couldn't hear the desperate squidheaded cries. He couldn't help but be lost in her deep dark irises. "...Oh. Ma'am? What are you doing?" The princess continued her barrage of mind stopping staring. Her image suddenly wavered, snapping Scorch-Mane out of it. "Wait, what the bu-Ooooohh..." A sudden circular movement on his back stopped him where he was. He could do nothing except feel the rubbing. Luna had him like a dog; willing to do whatever she told him was right. Her smile increased in size. At this rate, she could make him permanently join their team! Scorch-Mane closed his eyes, allowing the sensation to wash over his whole body. He had no clue why she was doing this, but right now, he didn't care. A warm breath on his neck suddenly pricked his ears up.

"Come on. Let's go find shelter." Luna purred in his ear. He submissively nodded, gently opening his eyes to see where they could sleep. Luna giggled. He was unaware that she could potentially use him as a personal guard after this was all over. One hour of massages and boom, instant slave.

"Found somewhere." Scorch broke her thought process. Luna looked and he was right; a small cave was ideal shelter. And they had found it just in time: thunder rumbled through the skie and rain could be heard approaching their position. Both darted into the cave, Luna shook her blue fur and spattered water everywhere. Scorch-Mane laughed, staggering back defensively, when his hoof impacted something wooden. A loud clunk signalled that it was hollow, and to both ponies' delight it was a chest, containing: one large blanket, a crossbow with attached taser, one knockout gas grenade, 20 bolts, firestaryinv materials, and water. Luna pushed Scorch-Mane out of the way playfully, lighting her horn and taking the fire equipment. Sure enough after 10 minutes, the fire was roaring and both were huddled underneath the blanket.

"Not cold?" Luna asked shivering, "I am. Even for me, this is cold." A part of Scorch suddenly turned back on, one that had been gathering dust for years: Love.

"Well," he muttered, "how can I be cold when I'm right next to somepony as hot as you?" Luna blushed and looked away.

"Oh, you don't mean that..." she giggled.

"Of course I do. You're hotter than Celestia, and she's a sun goddess." Luna blushed further.

"Stop it..." Luna muttered.

"What?" Scorch joked. "Massage? Ok then..." He moved his hooves around Luna's back, being careful not to touch her wings, and began to replicate what Luna had done to him many times.

"Don't..." Luna was getting quieter as she got more relaxed. Scorch was going to enjoy this. According to some Lunar Guards who accidentally tapped her wings with a spear, Luna has very, very sensitive wings. Luckily, they had left their helmets in the car, so nopony would see this. He slowly moved his hooves upwards, teasing her on his way up, to which Luna could only squirm uncontrollably. Eventually, he reached the wingbase. He stopped there, if only to allow Luna some time to prepare, before leaning in to her ear and whispering, "Hold onto your plot." he nibbled her ear for a second, giving her a moment, before he finally began to rub the bottom of her wings. Faster and faster, until Luna was practically on the floor with pleasure. He allowed it subside for her, before finally asking, "Your turn?" Luna could only smile at him. Her mind was extremely scrambled, she had no idea what she felt fir this stallion, and certainly no clue of what to do with him after the event. She simply settled on 'Figure it out later' before tugging him down to the stone floor with her large wings. She held onto him closely, her eyes locking with his before she finally knew what to do.

"Lieutenant?" she asked innocently.

"Ma'am?" he replied.

"Team Change: Scorch-Mane." she purred. Scorch-Mane immediately fell out of his mind, blacking out before returning with a sudden energy burst, catching Luna unaware. His lips locked with hers, and they began a mouth war.

Chapter 18: Assaulting the Assaultee of Assaulted Help

A loud whump against his head awoke Shining Armor from his daze on the balcony. Grunting from the impact was nearly impossible; whatever had hit him had knocked the air from his lungs in a sudden pressure. He decided to try and force his way out of the crushing position he was in, and to find out what could possibly have hit him after his respawn. Levering a hoof under the object, he grunted and growled as his awesome muscles forced the object off of his face. With such a lack of light, he decided a simple light spell would be enough. So once he got up he lit up his horn, barely using any effort as light filled the balcony and illuminated his 'attacker'. To his surprise, it was Princess Cadence, asleep. He quickly reached back for his crossbow,  but found nothing. After moments of frantic searching, Shining stopped and sighed. He had only just remembered that the weapons he was originally carrying were still next to his old body. And, most likely, were now being carried around by that nutjob that he died next to.

Sighing, he trudged through the double doors into the house. Anything blunt would do, so he simply trotted down the oak stairs before grabbing a lamp, throwing the lampshade over his shoulder with a sudden violence. Just as his hooves hit marble, the mare in front of him began to stir and moan quietly in her sleep. Shining Armor took this as a sign that she was waking up, and rapidly held her in place with magical blue auras covering her forehooves and lower body. He smiled wickedly. Now then, he thought to himself, What to do with you?

With that question in mind, and an unconcious ex-marefriend at his mercy, he began to peer around for somewhere to put her.

"Bakery basement?" he asked himself, "Nah. A roof? Mmm...no." he continued his list, before the last horse crossed the finishing line. His eyes went wide in realization at the obvious place he should take her. "Canterlot dungeons." His waypoint set, he immediately teleported himself, and Cadence, over there in the blink of an eye.

"Up." a female voice ordered, "Now." Scorch's head was pounding. What had happened between him and Luna was merely a dream, and that relieved Scorch-Mane. He was barely able to move, let alone get up. "No? Fine." Luna huffed. She lit her horn, levitating the still dazed Lieutenant, before pulling him out of the back seat. The jeep squeaked as the suspension returned fully to normal, two armored 1500 year old ponies were majorly over its load-bearing-capacity. Luna's eyes were closed in a royal fashion as she trotted out of the carriage pool with a semi-concious stallion hovering after her. Earlier, she had stopped to inspect the wounds she had inflicted upon him, and much to her worry she had put a hairline crack down 5 of his ribs. No worry. He would be in the dungeons.

"Well," she said loudly to him. "You've got five cracked ribs. Not that I care, no. You'll be too busy being in the dungeons for me to be able to bother you." Her attempts at emotionally damaging him were met by pained whines. "Listen Lieutenant, I'm sorry for running you over. Truly I am. If this wasn't war I would personally see to it that you were promoted. But it is war. And you are a prisoner."

"Mmhmm..." was all that came in response.

There was no more arguing needed. They had reached the dungeons, dark and dimly lit by about six torches. Barred gates stretched the walls, and navy blue brick crafted the walls. Luna smiled despite this. She would constantly go down here to interrogate spies when the war was on with Griffonia. These memories filled her mind, and she allowed herself a moment to remember the screams of the torture that would occur in some cells.

"Here we are." she mockingly declared. "Your room." Luna sarcastically gestured to the door of the cell he would be in.

"Yeah..." Scorch grunted. Luna looked upset for a moment, before she finally decided that her final liberty for him would be to mend the damage and give him rest. These thoughts in mind, she gently opened the door, before carefully positioning the injured stallion onto the bed. He simply stopped grunting and instead decided to start quietly gasping. Luna's motherly instincts kicked in; a restoration spell should be able to heal the ribs, and a sleep spell should keep him from trying to escape. For a few hours, at least.

"Hold still," Luna whispered to Scorch, desperate to stop his pain. "I'm just going to heal you, that's all."

"Thanks." Scorch said in reply. He did as she ordered, using all the strength he had in him to ignore the pain while the Princess put her horn to his chest as carefully as she possibly could. Her horn began to emanate a blue mist that slowly came off the 15 inch spike and began to swirl around the wounded area like a sandstorm. After around three seconds, the swirling stopped, before it all poured into his body in a sudden burst of speed. Scorch-Mane finally could breathe with no pain at all.

"Thanks, ma'am." he finally sighed. "What now? You off to go wait for your sister?"

"Yes," Luna replied, but her horn began to glow again. "I'm just going to put you to sleep for a few hours. Can't have any escape attempts, can we?" she smirked down at him. He looked confused for a moment, before finally letting his head hit the pillow. "I suppose...you don't want that?" Luna whispered. To Scorch, she felt a bit like a guardian angel.

"Nah," Scorch replied, "Go ahead. Just wake me if any of my team-mates arrive. Promise?"

"I promise."

"Like you promised not to break my ribs?"

Luna looked very confused. "But...I never..."

"Exactly. G'night. Or day. Or whatever." And with that, Luna released the spell she was charging. A blue pulse flashed over the lieutenant, whose eyes slammed shut and he was suddenly, and soundly, asleep on the prison bed. Just as Luna turned to leave, however, she noticed another blue pulse flash in her vision. To her surprise and shock, the spell had reflected off of a few pieces of armor plating, affecting her balance, alertness, and most obviously, her awakeness.

"Oh, n-no..." she stuttered quietly, as she yawned, staggering around with her failing balance before deciding to sleep somewhere where she could keep an eye on her prisoner. Eyes half open and her mouth in a tired smile, she levitated the key into the lock, turning it, and finally lay down into bed.

Right next to Scorch-Mane.

Aerlion awoke for a brief moment. He'd just had a creepy dream, that Celestia was nuzzling him to sleep. After shaking his head slowly, he looked just to his right. A white feathery wing was engulfing his torso, wings, neck and head, occasionally rubbing down his neck very slowly. He panicked, if only for a second, before relaxing when he realized Celestia was right next to him. He decided to return the favor. He brought his neck out of the embrace, leaned forward, before gently nuzzling against her neck. The heat coming from her body was rapidly pushing him back to sleep. From what he could see, the weather system was broken. There was snow billowing outside, despite it being summer, and it was rapidly sealing the barn doors. He ignored this, before finally Celestia's neck moved atop his, immobilizing him and the resistance broke once more. A few moments later he fell asleep, smiling as Celestia quietly breathed warm air into his fur.

Chapter 21: Reunion of the Helpless

As soon as he teleported into the dungeons, Shining Armor felt something bash against his head. Even through the helmet, the impact smacked his brain out of action for a moment and left him helpless against his attacker. As he staggered on all 4 hooves, more thuds hit into his helmet, and darkness surrounding his vision as he toppled to the ground signalled that he was going unconcious. As his eyesight dimmed, he could only see a maroon set of hooves kneeling down in front of him. Before he left conciousness, a familiar face appeared in his view. Deep red fur striped gold as blue eyes glared at him with a less than friendly expression being demonstrated. The face of Psycho-Scorch continued to stare into Shining's eyes, until he finally lost it and passed out on the floor.

Cadence was still waking up very slowly, when she felt something crack against her jaw. Letting out a cry of pain, she tried to move her hooves so that she could nurse the injury, but a loud clinking meant she was tied with chains to something above her head. Barely even able to find the strength to lift her head, the moment she did a crossbow was being pushed into Cadence's face. Now she knew how Celestia felt when she had attacked her merely days before. Except this time, it's possible she had been abused by her attacker, judging by her lack of armor. Slowly, she allowed for her vision to find its hooves before she realized what had happened. Just next to her, Shining Armor was hung by his hooves from a wall, much in the same fashion as she was. Blood stained his snout and every so often would drip down onto the dark cobblestone floor. Looking left, she could also see Scorch-Mane, looking at her whilst he folded a cast iron bar using magic. He growled at her, trotted over, and reeled back, before swinging the pole into her ribs. Letting out a cry of pain, Cadence was just about to try to blast her attacker out of the door to the dungeon when she realized something awful: she couldn't.

"Nice try, pinkie." the stallion laughed in a worrying manner before pointing at his horn as it glowed a faint red. "Magic blocker. Works wonders, eh? I could teach you it. Too bad you won't be alive to learn it." And with that, he began to swing the bar into Cadence's stomach, then her legs, her flanks, her ribs, her face. Every hit, Cadence screamed in pain, and by the time her battering was over she was in tears, sniffing and making quiet coughs as she heard the iron pole clatter to the stone. "Well, I think that was excruciating enough." smirked Scorch as he turned to Cadence's helmet on the floor, crouched down, and looked into the lens of the helmet camera. "Tell you viewers what. You send guards, I expend all of her lives; As slowly, painfully, and sadistically as possible. Don't send guards, and she'll live. Your choice." he snarled at the helmet, before yelling as he smashed it into the ground. The parts of the protective headpiece broke apart, scattering about the room and eventually coming to rest in puddles of blood. The only camera left was Shining Armor's, lying on its side and facing the two competitors hung from a wall helplessly as Scorch-Mane walked out.

"Sh-Shining..." Cadence tearfully whimpered. "P-please...wake up...Shining...please...wake up..." Cadence was begging the unconcious stallion to arise from his damage-induced sleep. She could do nothing to wake him up; the magic blocker may have worn off, but she had no clue how to bring him up into conciousness. Suddenly, Shining Armor began to groan, before going through the exact same procedure Cadence had when she was waking up. "Calm down," she soothed, "I'm here too. We're being held hostage by your team-mate, Scorch-Mane." Shining Armor barely had his eyes half open, when he finally spoke.

"He...cloned himself...they're all parts...of his...personality..." he whispered, "I think...it's the psychotic part...that has us here." Cadence looked back in surprise. Scorch-Mane cloned himself? He's that much of a psycho that he'd beat me almost within an inch of my life?

"Clones?" Cadence asked, before suddenly realizing something. "Clones...maybe...yes, that might work!" Cadence smiled, suddenly excited. Shining simply began to look at her as though she had gone insane. "What?" Shining asked her.

"Well," she replied. "You know that he's been mind messed by Luna? If we find her, she might be able to control ALL of the clones by using her...whatever she did." As each part of the plan was explained, Shining Armor began to understand her idea. If Luna did her thingymajigg that she used on Scorch, she might be able to gain the upper hand over these clones.

"So," he replied, "Where's Princess Luna?"

With that, both went silent thinking about where she might be.

Luna could barely even begin to express how refreshed she felt after her rest. She hadn't slept that well since her banishment, and she felt amazing. Her first instinct was to roll over and go back to sleep, and so she followed her instinct. But when she did roll over, she came face to face with 'last night': Scorch-Mane was lying in front of her, the same shocked expression on his face as Luna had, and was staring at her as though to say, 'Did...we just...errr...'. Luna also looked at him, staring into his eyes. 'I hope not...no offense...ummm...'. With these words passed, they began a telepathic conversation.

"Ma'am...this is...awkward...er...what do we do here...?" Scorch thought.

"Well...errr...memory spells might work?" Luna thought back.

"But...don't they usually...mess about sometimes? Like, pretty crazily messed up?" He whimpered silently, worried expression on his face.

"Um, that was...1 in a million that she died..." Luna tried to smile. "Let's just do it. Same time." She thought into his mind as she began to prepare the spell. As soon as he saw her charging it, Scorch-Mane looked more worried but followed suit. Blue and red auras surrounded their horns as they both closed their eyes, before pushing them onto each other's foreheads. Both alicorns' wings poomphed up at the images that flashed into their minds, despite Scorch's wings never being of any use in his life. Luna's cheeks went bright red at the image of the two making out in the bed, lips interlocked in a struggle for dominance. Both were embracing each other in a tight hug, eyes closed and nuzzling each other as though they were a married couple.

"Oh...wow?" Was all Luna could whisper to Scorch, looking dead into his eyes with cheeks almost the same colour as Scorch's fur. "That...was intimate...I, er, don't know...what to say..."

"Neither do I." Scorch whispered back. "You...me...we, er, well...made out? But...we've known each other almost our whole lives! Why now?" Luna brought her hoof up from under the covers, tapping her chin as she went deep into thought. After several minutes, she finally sighed. "Maybe...we should ask Celestia?" Luna whispered, tapping the side of her helmet and causing radio static to come over the small speakers.

"Well, I'm sure this'll be fun to explain." Scorch sighed, before rolling over and going back to sleep.

Aerlion Drift was quietly awoken by the sound of a voice crackling over Celestia's helmet speakers. Ignoring it, he rolled his eyes before curling back into a fluffy ball under Celestia's wing. He sighed happily, but was rudely interuppted in his bliss by the static again. Finally, he began to nudge Celestia with a hoof.

"Tia..." he mumbled from under the warmth of her wing. "Phone...for you..." He waited for an answer, before a feminine sigh sounded over his head.

"Really?" Celestia muttered. "I'mma just gon' ignore it..." she trailed off. Neither moved from their comfortable positions, not even making the effort to open their eyes. Finally, as the radio hissed again, Celestia groaned and levitated the helmet onto her head. "Hello...?" she asked.

"Tia?" Luna asked quietly over the radio. "May I ask something?"

"Go on, Lulu..." Celestia ran a hoof through her mane, barely even moving the rest of her body.

"Have you ever...done something you regret the morning after?" Celestia's ears pricked up.

"No, why?" Celestia replied.

"Well...I may have...kind of...well...made love...to Scorch-Mane...kind of..." Celestia was speechless. Her sister, the monarch, and Scorch-Mane, her foalhood friend, had hooked up?

"...good for you..." Celestia muttered as she turned off her radio, levitating her helmet from her head and throwing it across the room, before finally returning to her position over her guard, her supplying him with warmth whilst he returned the favour. Luna and her life was none of her concern; only her and her life was genuinely important. Just before she returned to sleep, her eyes fell on the cracks in the wood of the barn, completely dark due to snow coverage. The only light supplied was from her mane and tail, gently illuminating the room.

"Who...?" Aerlion was about to get up and ask her, before being swiftly cut off by nuzzles. It's super-effective; Aerlion emitted a cross between the noise you make during a massage and the noise you make when surprised, before dropping back onto his knees, completely submissive to the alicorn holding him down with a warm neck that also smelt of fudge. Sighing happily, he returned the nuzzles, before wrapping his brown forelegs around Celestia's neck, a stark contrast to the pale white her fur was. Deciding now would be the best time, Celestia leaned down, before kissing the stallion on the forehead. Almost immediately, his grip relaxed around her neck, before he finally snuggled up almost right under Celestia's huge wingspan, fitting neatly next to her side. Just before he passed out from too much 'd'awwww' moment, he heard Celestia whisper into his ear.

"Luna." she purred in his ear. "She said she'd slept with your friend Scorch-Mane. So now this won't matter." Celestia whispered, delivering a final few nuzzles before falling back to sleep.

"But...the competition..." Aerlion whimpered.

"Ignore it." she replied sleepily. "Let's just class this as 'hoof-to-hoof combat'. As of now though trooper, consider yourself by royal order..." As she barely had the energy to finish her sentence, she uttered one final word. "...off-duty."

Chapter 23: Spy in our midst...against everypony

A sudden banging against the door woke Luna and Scorch from their post-confusion resting. Due to excessive amounts of worrying about the consequences of them hooking up, and the fact that this was televised, they had both eventually decided to keep clear of each other. Though the pair of them refused to attack each other, they were still not going to work together permanently; after this was all over, they would shake hooves and part ways. Diving out of the bed, rolling along the cobblestone floor, and coming to a defensive position by the doorframe, Luna raised her crossbow and aimed it at the crack forming on the other side. A maroon striped snout peeked through, a disturbing grin on it.

"Found you, flankhole." the snout's owner sneered. Before pushing the door open slowly, the sound of a blade being unsheathed was heard on the other side of the door. Slowly, but surely, the wooden door creaked open, occasionally scraping against a cobblestone brick, and began to reveal the one thing that worried the Night Princess: Scorch-Mane was outside, yet she simply had to look slightly to her right and she could see him lying in bed, still barely awake. Deciding to ask later, she let loose an electrically charged bolt from her gleaming bow as a loud thunk  certified a hit on the copy. A moment passed, just long enough for the clone to curse before thousands of volts tore through his body, contorting his face into a severely pained expression and contracting all his muscles causing him to fall to the floor. A thin wisp of smoke trailed from his mouth and nostrils, occasionally there was a hoof twitch, but other than that, the knife-wielding Scorch-Mane was 'dead'. But, just before she could tie him up for questioning, out of sheer cartoon logic the knife he held suddenly fell from its' levitating position and landed straight into the head of the copy. Blood spilled out of the small holes, and the now-open eyes whited out.

"Wha..." Luna began, crouching over the REALLY dead body. "two...of you...?" Looking over to her 'assistant', an adorably confused expression on her face as though she were a puppy that didn't understand that annoying red light, she emitted a quiet whine and caused Scorch to immediately answer.

"I cloned myself." He blurted. "That was one. There's 255 more to sort out." Luna was shocked. Two hundred and fifty five more? I need a holiday. Luna thought to herself. Before she could consider destinations, she felt something nudge her shoulder. Just as she looked down and expected to punch whatever it was that poked her, Luna's expression softened when she saw Scorch pushing his snout into her shoulder, looking so apologetic he may as well have been Equestria Daily's manager after a scandal.

"Sorry..." Scorch whimpered, looking up to Luna with his head hung low. Immediately taking sympathy for him, she kneeled slightly, looked into his eyes and attempted a smile.

"Don't worry," she soothed. "You tried to earn a tactical advantage through numbers, a commendable plan. You'll make an amazing tactician, so don't go worrying about me being angry."

"But you're a princess..." Scorch replied, turning his head away. "I don't like making my employer upset." Luna sighed, put a hoof under his snout, and moved his gaze unto her.

"I'd only be angry if something were to happen to my favorite guard." she whispered, gesturing to his shiny chestplate, rank badge, and helmet. Trying her best not to hug him, Luna stood up to full height, turned, and looked out the door. As far as she could tell, nopony was there. No clones, but she was sure she could hear a quiet snivelling down the corridor in Cell D. Upon looking the other way to her left, just in the distance two clones could be made out quietly playing cards and what appeared to be smoking cigars. Where they'd found them, Luna didn't know, but she did know that eventually they'd come looking for the other clone.

Unless...she smirked slightly, and looked sweetly at Scorch.

"Scorch, I have a plan to free the other two." she smiled at Scorch, currently twirling the knife around dangerously with magic. He looked surprised, before finally sheathing the knife and clipping it to his thigh.

"Other two?"

"Ok, that's the plan?" Scorch looked rather worried. The idea of him acting like a psychopath creeped the buck out of him, and the fact that the psycho had a huge scar along his left eye didn't help. Luna had offered to give him one, but was quickly declined. "You sure this'll work, ma'am?"

"Yes," Luna sighed, "and stop calling me ma'am throughout this competition, I've been referring to you informally, so you may do so."

"Ok, Lulu." Scorch laughed before Luna cut him off with a buck to the ribs. "Nnnfff...sorry..." he whined as he lay on the blood-tinted cobblestone.

"You're welcome. Anyway, off you go." Luna said, as she pushed Scorch out of the door, before slamming it shut. Scorch simply glared at the door, eye twitching occasionally, as if to say 'Buck you door. You wanna do that again, little wooden flankhole? Try me. Bucking try.'

"Hey!" one of the guards shouted, getting up from his seat and trotting casually over to his 'leader'. "Find 'em?" He asked casually, and through Scorch's best judgement this was Casual-Mane.

"Heck no." Scorch grunted. "Weren't you flankholes supposed to be useful? Hm? You got ordered to help me? Buck that, you're about as useful as 'My Diet Cookbook' by Martha Stewart!" He yelled at the two clones as he defied gravity by hovering a foot from the ground.

"But...who's Martha Ste-"

"BUCK YOU. DID HE ASK YOU A QUESTION, PRIVATE TWINKLEHOOVES?" the other clone yelled at Casual. Scorch also recognised this clone as the one that was fighting with casual a few days ago. Scorch grinned.

"See? He gets it, I like this guy." he laughed as he patted Soldier-Scorch on the oversized helmet. "You two, dismissed. Off you trot, see if there's anything else on the other two. Y'know, the sun goddess and her pet? Go." The two clones looked nervously at each other. "Tell them boss sent you. Go. Stay there and wait for the scouts to get back, I got this stuff down here." Scorch pointed a hoof at the stairs leading up, before making a klok noise with his tongue. "You two bucking deaf? RUN, FORRESTS, RUN!" he yelled at them, both clones snapped off a salute before charging up the stairs so fast that they almost had to powerslide up the spiral steps. Ensuring they were gone, Scorch turned back to the door, knocked, and spoke to Luna on the other side.

"Got them." he hissed through the door. A bolt was heard unlocking, and Luna trotted out as though she were scripted to do so.

"Come on then," she said to Scorch as she turned right and trotted to Cell D. "Let's get the other two." Scorch nodded, keeping his eyes off of Luna's plot as she walked in front of him, and followed after her. "You make a good Psycho." Luna smiled at him as they both trotted side-by-side down the dark corridor. Scorch rolled his eyes.

"Amazing compliment." he sighed to Luna. "Because I always wanted to be noted by her royal highness for being a good Psychopath. My life now feels complete." he sarcastically muttered. "Anyway, why are we rescuing these two?"

"Because," Luna began as they stood outside the door. "one of them is on my team, the other is on your team. Rescue them, then we also have a better chance against the clones." Just as she opened the door, a sharp intake of breath was heard.

"Don't...hit me again..." came Cadence's voice. "Please...it hurts from the last time..." Luna walked in, followed by Scorch, and were immediately enraged by what they saw.

Princess Cadence and Shining Armor were hung by their hooves on chains, both coated thick with their own blood. Cadence's eye was a deep grey colour, and her ribs had patches where there was clear dents. Shining Armor fared no better; a bloody snout, leg bent the wrong way, and eyes almost in tears.

"What..." was all that Luna and Scorch could ask before a huge knife rampage would ensue. Scorch trotted up to Cadence, as she seemed in worse shape, and began asking her questions. "Cadence, it's me." He looked at her as he began to unlock her chains she was hung from, before she suddenly threw him against the wall with a sudden burst of magic rage.

"YOU...JUST THINK THAT YOU CAN TROT IN HERE, AND FREE US? YOU BATTERED US WITH AN IRON POLE!" Cadence roared at Scorch, still dazed by the impact, and limped over to him with the pole. "NO. THAT ISN'T GOING TO HAPPEN, NOT AGAIN!" she yelled, pushing Luna out of the door before she could intervene and locking it with an impenetrable forcefield. Suddenly, she picked Scorch up with magic, before slamming him around the room and causing sickening cracks. Scorch yelled in pain, but the moment Cadence dropped him she began to assault him with the iron pole as Cadence began to bash the pole into his ribs, head, legs, and horn. Luna could be heard crying and bashing the door with all her force against the shielded door, but to no avail. She could only listen and shout at Cadence, but these cries fell on deaf ears. Cadence was still assuming that original Scorch was Psycho Scorch, and thought he was here to bully them more. Blood was falling inbetween the gaps in the cobblestone. Cadence stopped her assault, only to catch her breath, but Scorch was heard loudly whining and coughing obscenities at her.

"C....adence....do-don't...k-kill m-me, p-p-please..." Scorch was whimpering on the floor, desperate to remain alive. It was unlikely that he'd survive; he looked worse than Cadence and Shining put together.

Scorch's legs were all bent out of shape, and his front forehoof had a bone sticking out of it as blood seeped out of the wound. Moving up his body, the armour he wore issued no protection against Cadence's brutal attack. Plates were dented inwards, pushing into broken ribs and damaged lungs. His head fared the worst, ith his horn having a hairling crack running all the way up it, teeth were lying on the floor in puddles of blood as their original positions were full of blood. His snout was broken, and he seemed to be crying blood. His inner fluids were clearly visible as a deep red over his maroon fur, becoming most prominent over the gold stripes across his body that were visible under the armour. Cadence didn't care; she was too busy healing herself so she could escape. Picking up the rod with a forehoof, she simply stood over Scorch-Mane.

"I must admit, you all did very well taking over the castle." she growled at him. "But your self-proclaimed rule is over. Goodbye, Scorch-Mane." But just as Cadence raised the bar over her head, Luna finally managed to teleport into the cell.

"CADENCE!" Luna shouted. "NO!" But it was too late.

Princess Cadence had brought the bar down on Scorch's head, snapping it past his shoulders and coming out with a sickening crack. Any whines or cries for help from the stallion were silenced; much as he wanted to, he couldn't stop Cadence from killing him. It would have been impossible for him to have told her that he wasn't her attacker, for Cadence and Shining wouldn't have believed him.

"My first kill of a clone." Cadence smiled as she threw the pole onto the ground. "I did good, didn't I Luna? Not bad for a first kill, right?" Luna simply was speechless. There were millions of offensive words she could think of to shout at Cadence, but she chose the simple one.

"No." Luna growled at her. "BECAUSE. THAT. WAS. THE. ORIGINAL."

"What?" Cadence's smile dropped quickly.

"You just killed the original Scorch-Mane. He wasn't a clone! If he were the one who beat you, why would he have released you?" Luna yelled at Cadence, tears brimming in her teal eyes as she knelt over Scorch's limp carcass.

"Wha-I didn't...mean to...I mean...I didn't know..." Cadence trailed off. Just then, Shining awoke.

"What's happened?" he asked. "Did you get that nutjob? Where's his body?" Cadence was doing her best to hold Luna back.

"Shining...I didn't...know...but this...was the original...I-I killed him..." Cadence stuttered, worried that he would never speak to her again. He simply looked at the body, before rolling his eyes.

"He'll be out of this arena, by now." He sighed. "Did you not ask the Architect? Heck, did you listen to me asking him? He told me personally that the dead would still be alive out of this arena; they'd just be in bad shape. So, at best guess..." Shining looked up to his head as he thought about what he was going to say.

"...Scorch is alive, but in Canterlot Hospital." Luna resisted the urge to hug him at that.

"Still alive?" she asked excitedly. "HUZZAH! I'll visit him when this is over!"

"I won't." Cadence sniffed. "Not like the murdered wants to meet his murderer."

Chapter 23: KIA, MIA, nopony knows.

Scorch-Mane discovered, as he awoke, that his head was not used to medical procedures. He was aware he would more than likely wake up in hospital, no doubt. But he did not know, however, what they had done to heal his injuries. As the thin crack along darkness that was his vision slowly increased in size, Scorch could finally take in his surroundings. The hospital room was as he remembered them being whenever he broke a bone, sprained a hoof, or succumbed to Feather Flu: tacky, is the only word he could use. Blue wall at the end of his bed, a simple wooden nightstand on his left, one oak cabinet clashed with the white door next to it with its golden handles and intricate decoration. Just looking to his right, however, he could look out of the window. The next part was what struck him the most; it clearly wasn't Canterlot. If it was, where was the central square, the huge gates, the wall with the towers? Those things automatically said 'Canterlot Skyline', but none were there. Instead, he was greeted by a half-risen sun and half-set moon. Maybe the other way around, but it doesn't matter. With Celestia and Luna gone for the competition, those celestial bodies would be going nowhere. Both entities were almost as though they were entrenched, and were simply glaring at each other over the horizon as the two overlooked the town he could see. Almost all the buildings, save for a few, had thatched rooves, white walls and red support planks, almost boxing in the extremely wide dirt roads. Just below, he could see a large market with vendors selling all types of wares; plants, vegetables, fruits, and even one stall selling red muscle-looking stuff, a psychopathic looking stallion with a Mohawk stood behind it grinning evilly whilst cutting up what appeared to be a lengthy...arm?

Scorch immediately looked away, deciding not to look at the nutter that was cutting up ponies and selling their body parts, and looked at the things on his bedside table. A large vase of flowers towered over the glass of water and small stack of envelopes. Deciding those should be looked at later, he gazed down to inspect his wounds. Whilst a small part of him really, really wanted something badflank, like a knife wound they'd sewn up with steel wool, or a hole that they'd crudely bandaged, that part was ignored as he let out a relieved sigh. The only thing he really had on his fur was a bandage on his  right forehoof, a small scar that ran a few centimetres down his flank, and a few small bruises, but those seemed fine.

"Wow." Scorch said aloud. "These doctors are brilliant. The only things they couldn't heal, didn't need to be. Fantastic." Smiling, he suddenly heard a voice outside.

"Doctor?" a female voice said as though she had a thousand times, "I think he's awake." The white door opened, revealing a stressed looking mare with white fur, light pink mane, and worried gaze stood looking at him. "Welcome back, Mr Mane." she smiled warmly. "My name is Nurse Redheart, I will be here to take care of you during your recuperation. The doctor will be here in a moment to answer any questions you may have." Scorch thought hard, before remembering why he was here after around 3 seconds of remembering...things. He could almost clearly remember that Princess Cadence had battered him with a pole, before she hit the side of his head and...this. But wasn't he supposed to be in Canterlot General Hospital? Not...wherever this was?

His thinking was cut by a brown unicorn colt trotting in with a white coat, black tie, clipboard, and stethoscope around his neck. Quite simply to Scorch; he looked like the most awesome doctor who ever existed. "My name is Doctor Heart Line, I operated on you whilst you were unconcious."

"Wait," Scorch cut in, sitting up in his bed. "Operated? Why?"

"Well," the doctor sighed, adjusting his clipboard, "if you think you could live with a ruptured lung, 5 broken ribs, exploded appendix, and ripped heart tissue, along with an utterly destroyed rear flank, you must be on par with Her Majesties. Otherwise, that's why you needed an operation. Any other questions?" Heart sarcastically smiled.

"Yes," Scorch replied, "why am I here? And where's 'here'?"

"Ponyville." Heart and Redheart replied simultaneously. "Your room in Canterlot that was there in case of emergency was taken by somepony having a heart attack, so the nearest hospital you could be sent to was right here." Heart continued. "Your adventure seems to have caused quite the stir around here." the doctor laughed. Scorch simply chuckled to himself. Adventure? I'm no Daring Do, but I doubt 'adventure' constitutes escaping myself, being killed by some creepy clown thing with no bucking eyes, making love to Luna, being chased by my own self, killing a psycho, before dying myself...

Wow, I ought to be a dictionary.

"Well, I suppose it was fun while it lasted." Scorch replied as he took a sip of his water. "Oh, is there anywhere I can watch the event occuring? Y'know, live?" Heart Line simply pointed a hoof at the huge building in the centre of Ponyville.

"It's being broadcast live all the time in there. Twilight Sparkle set up a projector in there, and it's receiving the transmissions live." He shrugged, before nudging Scorch. "Who knows, when you're discharged from the hospital maybe you could watch your marefriend and your murderer on the big screen." Scorch's cheeks reddened so much the red fur on his cheeks went brighter than should be possible. "I'm messing with ya. But then again; a Princess and her Guard...tabloid food." Heart laughed as he trotted out of the room, shutting the door behind him as the Nurse followed.

Scorch was still blushing like...like...a thing that blushes.

Tabloid food...I'm doomed... He thought as he began to open the envelopes.

Celestia stopped nuzzling the little fluffy brown ball beside her long enough to emit a long, drawn out yawn. After several days of resting, nuzzling, and occasional kissing, the two had the energy needed to cross miles of desert/tundra so they could finish this competition and get to bed for some more resting, nuzzling, and common kissing. Returning her neck to its original position on top of Aerlion's head, she let out a relaxed sigh as she began to stroke the smaller form huddled beside her with her wing. Slowly running the smooth feathers along the brown pegasus's back, the small snout pressing into her right side emitted a very warm breath, before gently rubbing her in a loving nuzzle. It didn't matter if this was on film; they loved each other, they didn't care what the public thought. Just before Celestia was about to give his head a turn atop hers, Aerlion stopped her from moving with a barely noticeable poke.

"Don't..." came his muffled voice as he spoke into her side. "You can stay on top, beautiful..." he muttered, wrapping his left foreleg around her neck, kissing it, then returning Celestia's strokes. Her eyelids drooped as her mouth went into a lazy smile. Lifting her head, and looking at the sleeping form snuggling under her wing, Aerlion stopped moving his leg down her neck, before looking into her magenta pupils. Almost immediately, his whole body relaxed as her eyes entranced his mind.

"My mistake..." he muttered, never taking his eyes from hers as though both had to look at each other due to some kind of lock. "...never look into your eyes...too...deep..." Aerlion stuttered as his mind began to empty, leaving nothing but a hypnotic gaze in his brain. Eventually, he ran out of words to describe her, as though he'd reached the end of his dictionary. "too...sexy..."

Celestia immediately leapt at the chance, practically slamming her lips into his as she completely took over him. Their tongues struggling for dominance, it was a rather one-sided battle. Poor little Aerlion stood no chance against the might of Celestia's overpowering charm. He had almost no choice but to embrace her as the sun goddess wrapped her giant wingspan around the tiny Pegasus. he almost disappeared except the tips of his back legs and his white mane. Still continuing their kiss, the duo rolled, Celestia taking the top. In the low light that was available in the snowed-in barn, Aerlion may have been mistaken for a ragsoll compared to the huge mare atop him. Just moments before, they had been sleeping, quietly making loving motions unto each other. Now, the two lay there, on the brink of taking the next step. Aerlion decided that, due to his reading of books in the Canterlot library when he was off-duty, he had read in an old book on sex that you could-

(HA! I DESTROYED THE R34. No cloppy-clop for you. Let's see what Cadence, Luna, and Shining are up to, yes? Sheesh...)

Of course the three of them were detected. Guard Scorch was better than they had thought, as for some logic-evading reason, he had managed to alert all the clones in the castle of their presence, despite him not even being near the dungeons. A simple yell of, "3 SPIES ARE IN THE BASE." seemed to be like Scorch-Clone Catnip, as 250 clones advanced unto their position. The sound of 1000 armoured hooves clanking upon marble floors of the castle rang ever-nearer as the three prisoners figured out their plan of attack. Luna raised her crossbow, loaded a bolt, and looked at the other two.

"Destroy them." she said stoicly. "Enemies of Scorch are enemies of Mine. Loot some boxes to find something to use, I dunno!" Cadence and Shining quickly nodded, knowing that with no weapon they were with no chance of survival. Shining had no helmet, and before Cadence could finish putting her armour on, the clones were alerted, so she had to cope with a chestplate, boots, and nothing else. Cantering  to a wooden door labelled 'ARMORY', the duo charged their horns with destructive magic, they counted to three and bucked the door down. The moment the ebony wood door was flung from its mount, the two of them  charged in, expecting a fight.

Instead, they were greeted by a dark room, chests everywhere with labels of all kinds. 'Spears','Helmets','Experimental','Blades', the list went on. The odd thing was the lack of hostiles. There was but one clone, sat with his hooves on the table and sleeping. Occasionally, he would lazily swipe at a fly, but otherwise he was quiet. Deciding to leave him alone, the two of them suddenly appeared next to the 'Experimental' box due to cartoon physics, before creaking the wooden crate open.

"A button?" Cadence asked, cocking her head at the items in the container. A black box with hoof sized red button lay beside a crossbow that hummed with a green elemental glow, a knife handle, and, much like Luna found, a small box. Ignoring it, Cadence instinctively pressed the button, suddenly reeling back in surprise as she began to feel ill. Wincing, clutching her stomach, and quietly groaning to herself in such a manner it was inaudible to Shining, who was over the room looking through more boxes, she felt a strange feeling in her hoof. Grabbing the right forehoof that felt odd, her worried and pained gaze looked as it did nothing for a second or two, before it began to shake slowly. As it shook, Cadence was miffed asthe hoof began to shake even more, and even faster. Strangely, the feeling spread up her leg, shaking rapidly as though in a massage chair. Cadence still had no understanding of the device. This box...just makes me vibrate? That's it? It seems usele-Ooh...it's going down my body...wow...nnnnn... she thought quickly. She was right: the vibrations were going down her pink body, giving her an odd sensation of pleasure AND worry. The worry was soon vanquished as the vibrations finally reached her nether regions. Cadence bit her lower lip, closing her eyes as the feeling began to take over. Shining Armor was probably looking, Luna was probably going to look, but she didn't really care. It felt so good, it was unreal. Suddenly, the vibrations slowed, before suddenly halting. Cadence really, really wanted it to keep going, but she was preparing for battle. Quickly stuffing the device into one of the breastplate's carry compartments, she inspected the other items. The crossbow seemed to momentarily flash green when she picked it up, and the knife handle seemed to have an invisible force stopping her hoof. An invisible knife, maybe. But Shining received the better haul; a huge back mounted crossbow peeked over his head, whilst a massive club hung from his right foreleg. They both looked at their weapons, looked at each other's weapons, before Shining finally smirked at her, gestured to his weapon on his back, before finally speaking.

"Checkmate."

Chapter 24: Inconsistency

At long last, Scorch finally stepped out of the hospital. Their food was utter garbage, the staff were constantly taking the rip out of him, and the beds were practically like layer upon layer upon layer of iron compressed into a block. Back injuries from the bed aside, though, he felt much better than when Cadence was snapping his neck with a metal pole. But then again; he felt better when he was sleeping. Making love to Luna? That was awkward, and he knew his life would get worse if ponies saw him in the open here. Taking in a breath, he trotted steadily forward, avoiding eye contact with anypony as the maroon stallion made a very quick journey to...wait.

Stopping, he looked into his head and tapped a hoof to his chin. That's a good question, author. He thought to the mighty entity controlling his life. WhereAM I going? After a moment of telepathic explaining, Scorch finally said 'Aaahhh...' before heading over to a large carousel-like building. The incredible powers of the author told him that he needed some way of disguising himself, so as not to be recognised. As he approached the tall building, he took note of his surroundings, and looked for hiding spots in case he was spotted by somepony. After noting down 23 bins, 2 dumpsters, a colthole in the centre of the street, and several other places, he finally entered the building.

The first thing that hit him was how...elegant it all was. Ponnequins wearing preposterously elaborate suits and dresses, clothes rails almost snapping at the weight of many dresses pulling down on them, and high-end wallpapers and woodwork, the blood-red stallion with gold stripes looked incredibly out of place. Suddenly, a female voice rang from upstairs.

"Coming!~" sang the slightly Canterlot-ish accented voice, followed by hoofsteps coming down the stairs behind him. Turning his neck and worrying about the fact she might recognise him, Scorch swallowed hard as the mare came into view. White furred, elegant, with a purple and elaborately curled mane, she was what many colts would consider 'beautiful'. Shame, because Scorch wouldn't be able to get to know her due to the fact she might alert everypony else in the town.

"Oh, hello." smiled the mare. "I don't believe we have met? My name is Rarity, and welcome to the Carousel Boutiiiique!~" She sang as she raised a hoof for emphasis. After a moment, Scorch finally cleared his throat.

"Ummm...yes, Ok, thank you." he nervously muttered, scratching the back of his head with a hoof. "Anyway, I was wondering if you could help me? I'm looking for a-" Scorch was cut off by Rarity suddenly gasping and reeling back in shock.

"ARE YOU..." She squealed, eyes closing as a huge smile spread across her face. "...THE STALLION FROM THE EVENT IN CANTERLOT?!"

Damn you, author. cursed Scorch, closing his eyes and sending out a punch in the face to the powerful entity above. Satisfied the author had been dealt with, he opened his eyes and smiled warmly. "Yes!" he laughed in as convincing a manner that he could. "It's good that somepony finally recognises me!" he lied. Before he could say anything else, Rarity was already beside him and excitedly poking his wings.

"Are these real?" she squee'd.

"No, sadly not." Scorch put on his best 'oh-don't-worry-I'm-used-to-not-being-able-to-use-them' face. "I wish I could, though. Then I could fly and do mag-Woah!" he recoiled slightly as the mare began to run a measuring tape along his side, before stopping at his waist. She looked up at him with blue eyes, before putting a quizzical expression on.

"What's wrong?" she asked. "Never had a mare take your measurements, before?" Rarity then looked away, levitated a pencil over a notepad, before writing down some numbers. She coiled the tape in, before doing the same up his neck.

"So how was it?" she asked in idle conversation. "Having to carry weapons around, that heavy armour, then you and that...THING in the forest! You must have been terrified!" She gasped, not removing the tape from his body as she took measurements.

"Yep." Scorch grunted in reply. "It was...I don't know what it was. Disturbing, creepy, or just a trick. I have no clu-ooh! Careful." he yelped as Rarity's tape poked his ear. Unsurprisingly, it flickered quickly, before drooping so it could avoid being poked.

Don't get a wing boner... he thought to himself. Using every ounce of strength he had to avoid his wing growing stiff, he endured 10 minutes of having a mare poking around his upper body and bombarding him with questions. After, though, it only took five minutes for Rarity goto look the measurements over, leave the room, before returning with a black cloak, complete with hood.

"How did you..." Scorch stuttered, completely bewildered by the fact he hadn't even told her he needed a cloak. "...I didn't...that's awesome."

"It's nothing." Rarity chirped. "As is the cost. Consider it a...reward, for enduring such conditions."

"Wow, seriously?" Scorch asked as he positioned it over his back. It was a perfect fit. "Thank you. I'm going to reccomend this place to Canterlot Daily. Nice job, Miss Rarity."

"You're most welcome, Mr...?" she trailed off.

"...Mane." Scorch replied as he trotted out of the door, face almost fully concealed by the hood save for his horn and mouth.

Luna fired the moment a hoof went into her vision, her accuracy still fantastic from what little time she'd used the weapons for. The electrically charged bolt that was discharged sailed forward, before imbedding itself into the clone's armour. After a moment, the jolt kicked in and caused the replica to seize up on the spot, before falling over and lying on the dungeon floor. Smoke cascaded from his nostrils and partially open mouth. All the other members of the army coming for them simply stepped over their fallen comrade, before taking cover behind a door that was left open. Shining quickly slid out of the armoury, drifting on all fours as he took quick aim and discharged a bolt from the massive crossbow/cannon on his back. The recoil was huge, yes, but the power and size of the bolt made up for it. A huge roar echoed through the dungeon hallway as the bolt that was almost the size of a small tree barreled down the corridor and smashed into 13 clones, before imbedding into the wall and coming out with an Area Of Effect blast of energy. The small bolts of lightning that came from the epicentre of the electrical storm, charging each clone with over 50,000 volts of electricity. All of them stood (literally) stunned, before they toppled to the cobblestone floor near simultaneously. Shining peeked his neck out of the cover he had gone behind, breathing a sigh of relief when no bolts were fired. Spitting out a mouthful of saliva, he turned and looked unto the Princess of Night. Her armour had nearly no scratches on it, and due to it being cut down for pegasi AND unicorn use, his eyes were automatically drawn to her flanks. Quickly putting all his perverted thoughts aside using a quick head shake, he noticed something on her chest.

The three bars of the 'lieutenant' ranking were fastened onto the chestplate, giving Shining Armor a moment of confusion.

She's a princess...he thought to himself.Why would she be a Lieutenant? As he looked, he never noticed Luna looking back at him. Finally, so she could stop him from staring, she spoke to him.

"It's the rank slide of Scorch-Mane." Luna declared as she tapped an armoured hoof against the small golden chevrons upon her chestplate. "His death gave you a grave tactical disadvantage. I believe that in return I shall respect his death. He will be remembered."

"Of course he will." Shining replied. "But it just seems more like you're carrying trophies around, rather than respecting your coltfriend."

"What?!" Luna hissed back, as she felt her cheeks going deep crimson through the helmet. "I have no relationship with that stallion! I have no attraction to him, he has none unto me! Now shut up!" Just before Shining could protest to such a well worded argument, he heard movement to his right. Swinging his crossbow to bear as Luna did the same, both were greeted by an incredibly strange sight.

Princess Cadence was stood in the doorframe to the armoury, thick red blood coating her forehooves. From a guess, Shining figured out that the clone that was sleeping in there woke up. But which personality was it?

"Clone creep touched my ass." Cadence grunted, raising her snout in a manner that said the problem was dealt with. Well, at least she killed the perverted clone. Hopefully she kills the clone that sings in the shower before me, Aerlion, Glinting, and Serrated wake up. Shining thought.

"Well," Luna said aloud. "We need to get going. My sister and your remaining ally may be in trouble. People, we're burning sunshine, let's go!" came her authorative voice. Dat voice. Shining thought to himself (again), hoping Cadence wasn't reading his mind or anything. Suddenly, a hoof playfully pushed into his back and ushered him forward.

"Come on, handsome." Cadence laughed. "You'll be hearing plenty of her voice as it is during our victory speech."

Celestia and Aerlion lay absolutely still. Hoofsteps were on the roof, and at the slightest sound of somepony inside the pony outside would destroy the barn. The boots were loud and clunking, steps with a pause inbetween, almost as if...he knew. Aerlion and Celestia decided to spend their final moments together, by huddling closely and occasionally nuzzling. Celestia suddenly had an idea. Levitating over some straw and putting it on top of the two of them, as well as a pitchfork just for effective disguise, both ponies turned almost completely invisible. Just in time as well, due to the arrival of the sudden sound of the barn door being wrenched open. Bolts cracked as the door ground along uneven ground. An insane sounding voice came from outside.

"HUNT THEM. KILL THEM. GNAW THE FLESH FROM THEIR BUCKING BONES!" yelled Psycho Scorch. In her mind, Celestia was panicking. A lot. Luna said she'd killed him! Why is he not gone?! she quickly asked herself.

"Here, Celly, Celly, Celly..." called another, whistling afterwards. "No point hiding, when you know I'll find you..." Celestia was doing her best not to raise attention, but she quickly cast an invisibility spell on her and Aerlion. The sudden sound caused Psycho and his other friend, Hunter, immediately looked at the hay pile. Trotting over, full of himself, Hunter poked the hay with his hoof. When there was no response, he shrugged and rammed his horn into the pile of hay. When nothing happened after that, a few minutes passed as the clones scanned the barn. Upon finding nothing, they shrugged, Psycho urinated on the side of the barn, before the two of them could be heard leaving. As soon as he was sure they were gone, Aerlion breathed a sigh of relief.

"That was a close one." he whispered. "We need to be more careful. Right, Celestia? Celly?" he asked, suddenly realizing there was something wet running down his neck. "No..."

The invisibility spell suddenly broke, revealing Celestia, shaking and covered in Alicorn blood. Her armour was completely penetrated by the horn, going straight through and missing her heart by a distance even a surgeon couldn't make himself repeat. But, at the rate she was bleeding out, she wouldn't last long. Aerlion jumped up, panicking, and began to hunt for the first aid kid. He flailed his forehooves around the shelfves, throwing everything off that wasn't a first aid kit, until eventually he found a box, simply labelled 'TRAUMA KIT'. Sighing in relief, but not letting himself slow down, he ripped the lid off with a hoof, and looked through the contents. Celestia was NOT going to die.

Nopony else was going to die today, except that Hunter Mane. I'm not letting Celestia go.

Chapter 25: Le sexy blue eyes

"...come on, you're gonna make it!" Aerlion shouted, but to Celestia it came into her hearing as a muffled cry. "You're gonna make it, just stay with me!" He continued. His brown fur was splashed by Princess Celestia's silvery blood, a stark contrast to the dull brown of his own fur. His white mane was smoothed back, just to ensure he didn't introduce anything that was in his hair into Celestia, and to top it all off his cheeks were red from the excessive CPR he was doing to ensure Celestia remained alive, and in the competition. Her magenta eyes were struggling to remain open, even through Aerlion's shouting at her to remain alive. The wound from Hunter's horn had almost gone through her heart, had she not have moved slightly as he plowed the 15-inch spike into her chest. Aerlion was going to show no mercy yo the original Scorch, just for part of him coming out and doing that to Celestia.

Aerlion's muscles were fully strained from the amount of times he'd pushed on her chest to keep her blood flowing. But he would continue. As far as he could tell, he had been performing CPR for 5 hours, without any stopping. If he was truly honest, HE was on the brink of passing out. But with a lack of hatred for the mare, due to the fact he had had...intimate encounters with her twice AND that they had been hugging for around 2 days, he pressed on repeatedly to ensure her life. It was all going well; up until the point where she violently convulsed and fell still. No breathing, no pulse, nothing. Aerlion stopped, feeling himself about to burst into tears.

She...she's...gone? he thought. No. She can't just die! She's Princess-bucking-Celestia! Impossible! Rage filled the stallion, as he let his hooves to the sky and yelled at the top of his lungs. He had no other choice: the mare he loved now lay dead in front of him. And, he didn't know what the Architect said would happen if they actually died. For all he knew, the ruler of his homeland may well have actually died, and he may have, to his horror, killed her.

Aerlion continued like this for 2 whole hours, sat alone in a dark barn, the only source of light being a dim glow from Celestia's mane. Even that had stopped flowing. All of a sudden, Aerlion stopped. Looking up, the fires of hatred in his eyes, he remembered who had done it.

Scorch-Mane is a dead stallion. I'm not stopping until I have his head on a pike.

And with that, Aerlion Drift's hatred for Scorch-Mane continued for several hours, until logic finally impacted his brain.

Celestia could see nothing. No light, no ponies, no nothing. Is this what it's like? Is this paradise? Nothing?She thought to herself, slightly annoyed that the Church of Equestria was wrong again. They made a wrong guess at when the world would end, that the lord would come to Equestria, and many others. Just once, just ONCE, Celestia wanted them to be right. Where is my family? My old dog, Flare? The family cat? The old butler that died last year? And what about all the sweet cake?! Celestia was ruler, she wanted cake, goddammit! thoughts such as this crossed her mind as she (presumably) lay on a hospital bed with her contact lenses removed so she had her blue eyes again. Yes. She would have bleared vision when she woke up, and sexy blue eyes like she did before she had to start wearing those ridiculous pink eye-colouring-things.

"...priiiinceeeeeesss..." came a distant voice. All of a sudden, she could make out a faint light, forming in a horizontal crack along her vision, just big enough to make out. The voice came again. "...wake uupppppp...pleeeeaaaassseee...."

Wait...I recognise that voice...Twilight?**

The crack in her vision grew larger, slowly yet surely, and eventually became large enough for her to make out a blurry purple figure, not inches from her side. Happy that her protege had come to her bedside to visit, Celestia used all the energy she had gathered during her rest to force her eyes open. The crack opened much faster during the boost of energy, revealing her surroundings.

Her room in the hospital, despite her request to be put in a normal room, was far from normal. Golden intricacies were emblazoned onto the wallpaper and elaborate oak furnishings. Looking slightly down, she saw that her covers were plain white sheets, with a purple hoof holding hers. As she followed it up to its owner, she immediately recognised the tiny body holding onto her hoof as though her life depended upon it. Her protege had this certain way of doing things, so she immediately recognised the frantic holding.

Smiling weakly, Celestia finally spoke to her worried student.

"I bet..." she hoarsely whispered. "...my eyes are blue...and sexy..."

Twilight simply rolled her eyes, and gave her teacher a loving nuzzle. Celestia returned, before she looked into the mirror over her student's shoulder. A bed-bound alicorn with rainbow mane stared back, and to her pleasure, had deep blue eyes. Even she found herself attracted to them for a moment, before shaking herself out of her stupor and speaking with her student.

"Oh good." Scorch sighed as he trudged down the street to the Town Hall. "I see she was a gossipy one, then." Looking out to the Town Hall ahead, a huge crowd of ponies were stood happily staring at him, a few waving hooves. And, smugly stood at the front, was Rarity, smiling innocently at him as though she had done nothing. Sighing audibly, he continued onwards, ignoring the huge crowd following him. Smile and wave...just smile and wave...impossible.

Regretting ever stepping into that Boutique and not sneaking about like an intelligent pony would, he noticed a crowd diverging from his 2 'o' clock position, all looking as though they had no intent to storm him and do...things...that...er, they...do to a temporary celebrity. Scorch, as he does, detests gaining too much attention. His life had been lived the same way wherever he went; meet a few ponies, make the occasional friend for life, bugger off to go and do it again someplace else. That's it. None of this staying in one place buisness. And he still didn't understand WHY he was famous! All he did was attack a monarch, who in turn had sex with hi-oh, he understood now.

But, now he had to find a way to escape from 3 crowds; 1 at the town hall, 1 behind, and 1 at his right. Judging by the town's layout, he would be able to get onto the rooves by a small service ladder somewhere. But, again.

Somewhere.

Chapter 2-Aaah, buck it. Cadence loses it. There. Sorted.

As Shining looked to his nemesis for the match in the form of Cadence, he'd noticed she was acting...different. More sway in her flanks as she trotted, the occasional coy look over her shoulder, 'accidentally' dropping her crossbow, before slowly bending to pick it up and NOT using magic. He just didn't get it; what had gotten into her?

Cadence regretted EVER pushing that button. It must have...suddenly put her in heat or something. She found herself unable to stop swaying her flanks, looking over her shoulder seductively, or dropping the bow. She did sometimes drop it by accident, but when she did try to pick it up with magic, Cadence instead bent over. She thought even Luna had fallen for it, as she saw her sometimes looking at her plot, before quickly looking away with darting eyes. Ignoring this, the group turned a corner, having no trouble allowing their eyes to adjust to the sudden light as they finally entered the guard barracks corridor. Tables were set as though nopony lived there, cupboard contents were arranged neatly, mugs were set in alphabetical order by guard names, and many other things that were fully impossible. Cadence was just about to say something, but stopped before she did.

Don't! her mind screamed. You'll just say something involving innuendo. It's *hard** not too.* Cadence tried not to facehoof, but failed. A pinkish-grey armoured boot plowed into her snout as she closed her eyes. Behind her, Luna stopped, and to her left Shining. A strangely comforting hoof held her shoulder.

"Are you alright?" Luna asked. "You're acting different. Shining picked up on it, as have I." Preparing what she was to say, Cadence ran over her speech 4 times to remove innuendo, before speaking.

"No." she stated firmly. "I'm not alright. I-I pushed this button," Cadence pulled out the small button from her pocket. "And now...it's like I'm in heat or something. I just can't stop being...aroused? Like, my flanks." Levitating the box with magic, she pointed a hoof to her hind quarters, as Shining began doing what every stallion does when given a chance to stare at a mare's ass; stare, before looking away before he got wood. "I've been swaying a lot. More than normal. And my body doesn't...want to use magic when I drop my crossbow. See, just press the button, Luna." Cadence then offered the shiny and attractive box to Luna, who simply reeled back with a worried expression.

"Umm...I'm...fine..." Luna stuttered, "But...errrr...thanks for the offer." Snatching the box from Cadence's grasp, Luna levitated it into her own pocket. For a moment, Luna worried that she might accidentally press it, before deciding 'author knows best' and continuing. "But anyway, just ignore it. You end up with Shining's face in your plot, good for you." Luna smiled.

Behind her, Shining was secretly bouncing up and down whilst squeeing. Awwwww, yeah. He thought, putting metaphorical sunglasses on and biting his lip.

Scorch had utterly failed in his plan to escape. Out of sheer bad luck, he tripped on a stone, tumbling headfirst in front of Rarity's hooves. Wow. What. How did that rock get there?! This is a mother-bucking footpath! That's a goddamn boulder! and such other excuses flew about Scorch's stunned brain. Being the stallion that he is, he refused to take credit for such failures, and simply lay there.

"Darling..." Rarity chimed smugly before extending a hoof for the stallion to pull himself up with. "Need a hoof?" Scorch emitted a low growling sound, put his hood back up, before standing again. His first temptation was to buck her head in. His second was to fake his happiness that he had a crowd.

Of course, he chose the first and easiest option second option, turning with a smile, and addressing the crowd.

"Hello." was all he started with. "As you can guess...I lost already...yep." That rose a chuckle. Suddenly, he remembered why he didn't want to be seen. "And no, I am in no relationship with her Royal Highness Princess Luna." Suddenly, a voice piped up from the back, as a pink mare with a curly mane was bouncing up and down, waving her hooves about.

"But I bet you wish you werrree! I know you do, Pinkie knows everything!" she cheered. Scorch held for a moment. Do I tell them? Yeah, not like I have anything else to do, besides leave this place.

"...Buck YEAH, I DO!" Scorch yelled. "Who the hell doesn't?! Well, I'm of-" Suddenly, a brown stallion came barreling out of the Town Hall, charging at full pelt towards the crowd. He dug his hooves into the soil, immediately stopping him in his tracks. All eyes turned from Scorch to the stallion stood gasping for breath.

"Whooves?" asked a mare with an orange mane and yellow fur. "What's happened?"

The colt gasped for breath, before putting his hanging tongue in and panting whatever he had to say.

"Celestia's...out...stabbed...by his clone...blood everywhere..." Doctor Whooves gasped, followed by everypony else, a few giving Scorch disapproving looks. "Wow...I need...to stop...eating...but...it was awesome...anyway..." Whooves took that moment to pass out, and Scorch took the moment to get the heck outta Dodge.

Luna goes loopy, Shining snaps, Cadence cracks, Scorch submits.

Cadence, despite her best efforts, had suddenly locked lips with Luna. Side effect of the button, sudden instinct, she was unsure, but she found herself snogging Princess Luna. And she was enjoying it. Luna was pulling away as hard as she could, tealy-green eyes wide in an expression of extreme shock. Shining had no clue what was going on; he was simply enjoying the mare-on-mare action in front of him. Even though the Guard Room was empty of Scorch's clones, it would only be a matter of time before Guard Scorch shouts something along the lines of 'LESBIAN ACTION IN GUARD ROOM! GO, BEFORE IT FINISHES!'.

'That creep can see EVERYTHING, Shining thought, watching the two Princesses desperately attempting to unlock lips. 'But then again, who DOESN'T want to see this? Dayum, this is hot.' Shrugging, and taking up guard by the door, he crouched, strained his back to keep the huge crossbow steady, and began to scan the corridor. Meanwhile, his mind was saving the memory of the two mares, whilst trying to remember what the plan was.

Escape, kill as many clones as possible, then turn on each other? Some plan. Maybe Luna's pressing the button-thing, and she'll be too busy with Cadence to notice if I hit them with a pole? Shining considered his own plan. He also thought of the burning question; what had happened to the ORIGINAL competition? 3 V 3, not 3 V 3 V 250. And in the event his team lost...he shuddered at the thought. His team was down one man. The other team consisted of goddesses. Who, somehow, have managed to bring the huge issue of Relationships into this battle. Seriously, Scorch and Luna? What kind of sick bas-

"GUH!" came a sudden feminine gasp behind him. Luna was stood panting for breath, cheeks redder than her new coltfriend's fur, and a string of spittle hung from her lips. Cadence was almost the same; save for the fact that she looked to have enjoyed it. "Cadence, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!" Luna wheezed, chest hammering in and out.

"No idea," Cadence elatedly replied, "but to be honest, you did well." Luna simply stood in stunned silence, jaw agape. Her cheeks almost melted at the heat rushing to them.

"N-no..." she stuttered in reply, shaking her head slightly. "I-I...no. My loyalty lies with nopony, nopony at all."

"Not even your coltfriend, Scorch?" Shining cut in, not removing his gaze from the hallways.

"SHUT UP." Luna roared in return, causing Cadence and Shining to go into absolute fits of laughter.

Scorch had thankfully remembered the train tickets. Among the assorted 'Too bad!' and 'Better luck next time!' cards left by his bedside, one card was from the unicorns who were putting him in hospital. It was a small note that simply read 'For the journey home.' and attached he found one train ticket to Canterlot, with no set date to use on. So, in effect, he could stay here for a week, come back, and still use the ticket. But this town was full of nutjobs, why stay for longer than necessary?

Trotting into the carriage alotted by his ticket, he was unsurprised to be greeted by a plain box room, table in the centre, baggage rails, 2 benches, and walls. The window was simply displaying a crowd of ponies stood by his carriage, and an iddylic view of the town. Bright buildings, fountains, statues, the usual town. Hanging his black cloak up on the rail above, Scorch groaned, and sat down on the cushioned chair. There was an ashtray in the centre of the fake wooden table, to which Scorch immediately, yet casually, peered about the room for tobacco, and a pipe. He just wished he would have been allowed to keep the stuff he carried when he died. That pipe looked lovely that he picked up.

Shame.

Just then, a tan stallion arrived in a conductor's uniform. Blue eyes peered from behind glasses, as the frail unicorn levitated a small ticket clamper in front of Scorch.

"Ticket, sir?" said the colt, to which Scorch levitated his own ticket out of his magical non-existent pockets. The conductor smiled, a loud click was heard, as the ticket was returned to Scorch's pocket at a smooth pace. "Thank you. Have a nice journey back, sonny."

"Thanks." Scorch beamed back. He couldn't get over the use of the word 'sonny'. Scorch, considering Discord's curse of immortality (or is it a gift?), Scorch was just a week younger than Princess Luna, but well over a thousand years younger than Celestia. Scorch's older brother, Frost Tail, had a fling with Celestia once, but without immortality like the two sisters received upon becoming rulers, he passed away millenia ago. Scorch visits his brother's grave in the place where he was born, and as the headstone says his last words.

Here lies Frost Tail,

Cold as stone. May Faust love his soul.

His last words really do say it all.

"GET ME BUCKING HELP, I THINK I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK, GET BUCKING HE-"

As Scorch pored over his memories, a sudden lurch of motion pushed him forward, smacking his head on the table and causing a yelp of pain and roars of laughter from the crowd outside. Soon enough, though, the laughter was drowned by steam whooshing from the engine of the train as it grindingly pushed forwards. The steel wheels yelled in pain as the engine forced them forward like master and sled dog. As Scorch rubbed his snout and picked up the chip of tooth that came from the molars, he realized where he was going. Home. Where he could finally have a hot shower, decent food, and see Serrated and Glinting again. They were probably missing him right now.

Obviously.

The moment Glinting Spear awoke, she was first in the shower. Usually, she'd be awoken by Scorch-Mane singing Never Gonna Give You Up in the shower loudly, but today she woke up because she WANTED TO. Stepping into the cubicle, and allowing the water to stream all over her athletic curves, she gently hummed as she put shampoo on her wings and lathered herself with it. All over her fur, mane, and tail, she made sure the suds set in before rinsing. Realizing she had 4 hours til she needed to be on duty, she allowed herself 30 minutes just stood under the rushing water.

From what the white Pegasus had heard, Scorch made 0 kills or shots, was killed by Cadence, and was on his way as she thought about it. Too bad, she was kind of hoping he'd be lost forever, and then she'd get a hunk of a stallion in her squad. Did she mention that Serrated Edge was now her coltfriend? No? Well, now you know.

Suddenly, she heard a hoof rapping on the door.

"Mornin', sweetie!" came Serrated's slightly rough voice. "Sleep well?"

"Yeah," she replied, "Course I did, especially when I slept next to you, honey!" Both of the guards burst out laughing at her comment. The fun thing about not having Shining, Aerpion, and Scorch was that they could laugh at jokes that were bad. Usually, Shining would give her a friendly noogie with a hoof, before plowing his hoof into Serrated's ribs. On occasion, he'd then proceed to punch Scorch, just because it's funny to watch him get hurt.

All the other guards were loving their absence, too. More food, spare seats in the mess for other squad members to sit in, Archery Sergeant Hoofman wasn't as pissed all the time, and many other things that improved everypony's lives. Aerlion would no longer fall out of bed and land on the floor, which was funny, but it was still a good riddance.

After an hour of getting ready, the two were trotting side by side on a direct path to the mess hall. They'd always taken this route; faster, easier to navigate, and it had a stunning view. The pair of them continued up the hallway, before making a sharp left up to the turrets. As usual, Rangefinder was crouched with his bow, constantly with an ear and eye out for trouble in the bustling streets below. As the princesses were away, Captain Aquilinius had allowed everypony on the guards to move about the castle with no armour if they wished. Due to the extreme temperatures of the summer sun, currently being raised by a talented young unicorn and her brother, this was a good move that earned the Captain shiploads of respect.

"Morning, Range." said Serrated and Glinting simultaneously. A grunt of acknowledgement was their reply, so Range was in a tired mood. The two continued on, their trot leading them on a course to the mess. They reached it in minutes, mostly due to all the guards being in the mess for breakfast. Today was beans on toast, tomatoes, mushrooms, and egg; one of the better days. Just as they entered the mess, they noticed a few eyes look at them, before sighing and returning to their meals. The room wasn't too big, but it was pretty packed. Their table was just at the back of the room and to the right, next to Black Swoop's squad and near the officer's table. As the two sat down with breakfasts in magical auras, a grunt of greetings from the rest of the squad was a conversation starter.

"Mornin'." Serrated said, picking his fork up and sticking it into his tomato.

"Serrated." Acknowledged his best friend Arrow Arch. The two had met during the introduction all those years back. An officer explained the meaning of the 'Solar Creed', which was a set of rules based on how to live as a Royal Solar Guard. He paired trainees up, and they were intended to discuss the creed as a teambuilding exercise. After both turned out to have the same view, they ended up fast friends.

"Arrow." Glinting coughed through a glass of water.

"Well, it's a good day, huh?"

And so began another boring conversation in the Mess.

Let's break all 6 of them. - Architect's view

The Architect finally recovered from his breakdown by having some good rest. As he trotted over to his desk and opened his Mail drawer, he almost was thrown out of his office by the sheer force of a million letters from all over the country exploding into his face. Groaning, he opened the nearest letter and read it.

Hello,

My name is Thunder Mustang. I am aware you are the Architect of the battle occurring with the princesses in Canterlot, and I write on the behalf of my family to say; make them go insane. Even the two that are already out, just try to break them all.

Thunder Mustang

(P.S: See if you can get Cadence and Luna to do it again!)

The Architect couldn't help but smile at the idea of driving all of them around the bend. As far as he knew, that Scorch-Mane still had his clones meandering about the place, and almost half are complete psychopaths, so he shouldn't have trouble devising a plan to make him snap. Princess Cadence pressed the button he had put in there, and had gone into heat, so that was good. Even better, she's already pushing Princess Luna towards the drop when she spontaneously snogged her. Princess Celestia seemed to have FAR too much mental security to be broken, but her little pet didn't. But that...Shining Armour? He seemed to be very sane. Good, the Architect loved a challenge.

Ignoring the rest of his letters, he cantered out of the room, barrelled into the control room for the event. He quickly shouted out to everypony.

"Everyone!" he called, causing most of the heads to look around towards him. "I just read through my mail, and they all had the same relative idea. We're going to try to drive the Princesses and guards insane. So, I now give you permission to try to snap their brains whenever you can. Keep up the good work."

All heads looked back to the screens, murmurings of confusion sounding through the room as the Architect looked over the shoulder of the nearest crew member.

On the screen, Aerlion Drift was carefully trotting around in a dark Appaloosa. Sniggering as the crew member received an idea, he switched on his microphone and set it to Aerlion's headset. He cleared his throat, and spoke in a distant, far manner.

"Who...Are...You...?" the camerapony growled, the Architect stifling laughs as the brown Pegasus on screen turned quickly, eyes darting rapidly as he tried to discern where the voice came from. "I've...watched...your...failure...to save...your Princess..." The pony with the microphone continued, Aerlion looking around even more nervously and trotting slightly faster. "...Aerlion." The moment those words came into his ears, Aerlion screamed loudly, and ran off at a speed even Rainbow Dash would envy. The camerapony turned his microphone off, as almost everypony in the room burst into fits of laughter, the Architect falling over.

"That was bucking genius!" he laughed. "You're officially the top trickster in the room! Well done, Mr...?" The camerapony smirked, before turning to his boss and finally speaking.

"...Thunder Mustang." The blue Pegasus answered, blowing a gold streak of hair out of his green eyes. The Architect smiled again, as the Pegasus gave him a quick salute, adjusted his blue jacket, and continued to work.

I love this job. The Architect thought, as he stood on his raised platform so he could see what everypony was doing.

Return

Rubbing off a few flecks of dirt from the black cloak he wore, and taking a deep breath, Scorch trotted calmly out of the carriage and onto the train station platform. After 3 hours, he was finally back home: Canterlot. He could already smell the high-end aftershaves, perfumes, and ponies that trotted smugly about the streets. Scorch-Mane recognised a few; Fancy Pants and his trophy wife, Upper Crust and that other bitch that she wanders about with, and many others. However, Scorch hoped that THEY didn't recognise HIM, for fear of being swarmed by stallions and mares. Taking a quick gander about to make sure he wasn't being watched, he began to trot down the high street that lead to the Castle. Rarely being looked upon, he made a great haste down the road, stepping over litter and the occasional drunk as he went past the hospital. Suddenly, he stopped, and cast a glance towards the doors to the medical building. A large audience was crowded around the doors, with many camera flashes and fedoras being shown as presumably somepony important walked out.

'Who could that be...?' Scorch asked himself, still looking to the hospital. As he thought of possibilities of who it was, Scorch caught a glimpse of a familiar pink, green, and blue sparkly mane flapping in a non-existent breeze. 'You've got to be bucking kidding me. Celestia?'

"Fan-friggin'-tastic..." Scorch grumbled aloud. Subconciously, he raised a hoof to itch the back of his neck, and inadvertently causing an audience. The moment his red hoof moved behind his cloak's neck cover, the fabric simply fell back across his spine, and the world around him seemed to stop. Rich ponies looked at him as though to say "Is that not the fellow...?", and the paparazzi looked at him with an unnerving gleam in their eyes. Scorch made his nervous giggle, before telling his hooves to take him to the castle.

In an instant, the maroon stallion was gone; being trailed by several dozen reporters.

After around twelve minutes that the author couldn't be asked to write about, Scorch stood just in front of the barrack doors, gasping for breath. The two guards stood in front of the doors were completely unflinching at him, most likely, Scorch thought, because his features were obscured by the hood over his head that he had replaced to avoid getting more attention. When his lungs were suitably filled with the oxygen lost during his epic run, he straightened up, breathed a sigh of relief, before pushing the doors open.

What he saw didn't surprise him for such an hour of the day; 9 o' clock. All of the guards, in spite of their early waking up each and every morning, would most likely be off duty and having breakfast. So, in effect, the hallways of the barracks remained almost 100% empty, save for the odd guard who would be tromping down the hall when Scorch began to casually trot down to his quarters whilst ignoring everything.

'First things first;' Scorch thought to himself. 'Have a good, warm shower. Right now I look like crap. I think looking decent might show I still have sanity. Second, I shall repair my Mane. The hair products will be exercised vigorously unto my hair. Maybe then I could go to the mess hall and grab some food? I'm famished. Er dermernd erhples.' Doing his best not to say those things out loud, Scorch arrived at the room: 1337. Scorch was vaguely sure that he'd read a book that said that 'humans' used it on their 'computers' for 'txt speak', but that was a book of myths. Humans aren't real.

Raising his right hoof, and putting it to the magic lock under the handle, the security recognised him and the door clicked loudly. As he pushed the door open, Scorch used a quick levitation spell and hung the cloak on a hook just behind the closing door. To his left, he had the shower door, which led to a rather lavish bathroom that has the strange power to make anypony who enters feel compulsed to wash their hooves. Straight ahead, there were six simple bunks: or 3 bunk beds. His bunk was on the bottom, below Serrated Edge's bed. Practically flinging himself onto the bed, Scorch splayed his hooves out as he chose to spend 20 minutes doing buck-all.

Once the all important jump on the bed was done, Scorch sighed happily as he trotted back the way he had come and turned right. Ignoring the impulse to clean his hooves, Scorch trotted to the corner of the room and twisted a knob on the tiled wall. The round handle was gripped in a red aura as it turned; also activating the shower. Water poured down behind him as the shower head began to spray water downwards. Not even bothering with temperature, Scorch slid along the wet floor and halted under the warm jets. Then again; he knew that anything over the temperature of 40 degrees would feel the same to him due to his talent for being heatproof. For all he knew Glinting or Serrated could have set the shower so hot it would melt your skin and Scorch wouldn't care: the gold striped maroon stallion just wanted a shower, a decent restyling of his mane, and some apples. What were those rainbow apples called that were imported from the town he was in? Zap Apples? Yeah, that was it. Those were awesome, Scorch liked them, as did almost every guard in the barracks!

Scorch spoke to himself a lot when he showered, possibly in the hopes that he wouldn't feel lonely.

You didn't feel lonely when you were with Luna...

What? Who said that?

Me.

...that solves nothing, flankhole.

Fine, I'm one of the parts of you that wasn't ejected into a clone.

Yes...OK. Which part, then?

Romance.

Oh, dear Luna...

Exactly. Luna. You love her.

No I don't. Shut up, fatty.

What makes you think I'm fat?

Because most ponies who give romantic advice are fat. Ooh, you know who you remind me of?

Who...?

That human, Gabe Newell. The archives say he's fat. You look like him. I bet you do. Fatty.

...screw you, I'm leaving. You shall die alone.

You'll have your own cemetery, tubby. Go eat some cake, and give us Half Pie 3.

Oh, buck off.

You too, you too.

Scorch ignored that part of him. Like he ignored his conscience, Scorch would replace all memories of that conversation with how awesome he looked when his mane was wet. Read mostly, gold striped occasionally, all topped with it being sopping wet; he liked it. In fact, today he felt different. He was going to let it dry like that, and walk into the mess showing he'd lightened up. Stepping out of the shower, Scorch dried his mane with a towel, trotted past the hair sprays, combs, and other things on the dresser/cabinet, before leaving the room. The door was merely inches from locking, before a red hoof blocked it from closing.

'Aaah, this feels weird without my usual hairstyle...' thought Scorch, pushing the door back open, and trotting hastily back to the dresser. Opening the drawer, Scorch squee'd slightly as he saw all of the things he needed to look...well, like HIM. Occasionally, other guards called him 'Gay' for buying hair equipment, but he simply laughed it off; 1000 years on, and the insult is still abysmally old. Spraying starch into his mane as the can levitated, Scorch began combing.

Celestia blinked as hundreds of cameras snapped away at her, momentarily burning her retinas. Ever since cameras had been invented, the accursed things, she still hadn't gotten used to the spontaneous strobe lights that appear whenever she opens her door. Surprisingly, none of the questioners had asked about her now blue eyes. Most likely, because they were squinting in the flashing bulbs. Microphones wee jutting out of every gap in the crush of paparazzi, the only thing stopping them being a small contingent of her finest guards. Soon, 3 more would be joining them, win or lose. Their bravery for saving the lives of Princesses was to be rewarded, but the guards seemed to be action-hungry. During the lunch around a week ago, she had overheard some of their conversations; Who is best Princess? When we get paid, what're you gonna do? How's the family? And, currently ranking the list as Celestia's favourite one to call up during their wedding days, 'Which one of the Princesses has the best plot?' Deciding to have a think later, Celestia began to move forward down the steps to her awaiting carriage. Ponies shouted from all sides, trying to gain exclusive 'interviews'. The things EQD considers exclusive have usually been in another paper the day before. Trotting proudly forwards, Celestia reached the top of the second flight of steps when it all suddenly went quiet. Save for a few, paparazzi had turned and began to look at a certain maroon alicorn wearing a black cloak. Celestia was about to speak to him, possibly even offer one of her childhood friends a lift to the castle, but suddenly Scorch took off like a rocket; dodging, dipping, ducking, diving, and...dodging his way through crowds of the upper class.

Well, I suppose I'll see him in the castle anyway. Celestia mused to herself, taking that moment to quickly enter her golden carriage. But right now, I have to be there as well.

"Let us begone." Celestia called forwards to the two pegasi towing the cart. They nodded to each other, before the white stallions began to gallop into the sky with a gleaming cart behind.

Scorch-Mane, feeling exceedingly refreshed, decided to take the long route to the mess. As he trotted down hallways and corridors the size of barns, he took note of the time when he went past the diamond encrusted clocks.

9:35. Scorch thought. Good, that means breakfast is still on. Every turn in this castle was well known to Scorch; 10 years of service to the rulers of the land and their castle meant he had to know each corridor or risk being lost. A few were lovingly remembered; where he had saved a younger private from a falling chandelier, where he had found the old Lunar Guard barracks. Other corridors he hated, even feared, to go down; a few years ago when that...THING...escaped containment, before closing the distance between him and it in the blink of an eye, where he'd been inadvertently hit with an arrow because he wasn't wearing his armour, and his least favourite, the main entry. A marble statue fell on him, almost killing him, but thankfully one of the Medics was going past.

Dodging inbetween two guards that were talking in the middle of a thinner corridor, he hung a left and headed down some steps. He might as well have stopped to smell flowers: he was just going to take a long and winding route, receive some dodgy stares, before being faced by insults from the entire mess. However, Scorch had noticed that a lot of the Guards currently on duty were not wearing full armour; a few wore chestplates and/or boots, but all wore a rank inscription of some type. Ignoring this for the moment, and heading outside onto the walls, Scorch gave a friendly greeting to Rangefinder before continuing his trek.

After several more minutes of this, Scorch finally reached it: the mess hall doors. Compared to other doors in the castle, these ones were, to be brutally honest, crap. Small wooden things with circular windows that were so old that they seemed to be absorbing light rather than letting it through, the tiny doors were put inbetween two plant pots and had a simple red carpet leading up to them. Just down the hall, there was the door he'd entered a few days ago that led to the arena entrance. Preparing himself for the wash of insults, Scorch pushed the doors open casually as he could.

Suddenly, there arose a great cheer.

Once more unto the breach...the breach being hundreds of clones.

It had been going well so far. None of the three had been detected by the 'Guards', and had nearly made it out of the gates and to freedom.

Where the mares would promptly stab Shining in the back, or vice-versa.

"How can this crate hide us so well?" Luna whispered from above Shining (No, shut up you sicko.) Mostly due to cartoon physics, all three armoured ponies had somehow managed to conceal themselves behind a box in the courtyard. It looked a bit like the clones were trying to build a superweapon, but judging by their intelligence level it was unlikely. One clone was trying to open a wooden crate using the handle of a hammer by repeatedly tapping it on the crack. Another, meanwhile, had decided to disassemble the car Luna and Scorch arrived in, and the individual parts were used to make a gigantic statue of Scorch 'having fun' with Luna. The artist got it down to a tee. He even went so far as to scratch the markings onto the playing cards, AND to remold the windscreen from cracked glass into a bottle of wine.

Impressive, Luna thought, admiring the architecture of the statue, They even got his rump perfect. Why did Scorch-Mane not become a sculptor? Making a mental note to order the Architect to bring the statue out of the arena, Luna looked around the courtyard again. The concentration of the clones was decreasing rapidly from their tasks: one of them had decided to go and climb the wall, before climbing down, before climbing, then down, repeatedly, with seemingly no reason to do so.

"Hmmm..." Cadence said quietly, rubbing a hoof to her chin. "Gate looks relatively undefended. I think it's a clear shot to the exit, and then we can deal with our match. Hopefully." Shining Armor and Luna nodded in agreement. "But then there's the issue of the clones seeing us, which...yeah. Given the way that they were lovingly gazing at you in the dungeons, Luna, I think we have a distraction." Luna reeled back, pupils shrinking to pinprick size.

"What?" she hissed in return. "No! I am NOT going out there!" Shining Armour facehoofed.

"Ohhhhh, yes you are." he groaned, before giving Luna a shove. She squealed loudly, stumbled, before righting herself and finding her hoofing. Enraged, she turned around and glared at the other two.

"Guys!" Luna shouted, stomping an armoured hoof to the stone and cracking the floor slightly. "Lemme back in! Shiiiiiiiniiiiing!"

"Ahem." came a sudden cough. Luna tensed sharply, before slowly looking behind her. A single Scorch-Mane clone had stopped whatever it was he was doing to begin with, and approached the Princess. Luna giggled quietly.

"Ah, hi?" she replied cautiously.

"Is that you, Princess Luna?" he asked, narrowing his eyes and trotting around her. "If it is, we'd best get you and your two friends out of here."

"Wait, you're helping us?" Luna asked.

"Yes, why? Did you want to be tasered to the ground and then abused by some twisted segment of Scorch's mind?"

"Well...no?" Luna hoofed nervously at the ground.

"Precisely. Sneak your way over to the gates, I'll form a distraction, you run, and I can meet you outside the city. Sound good?"

"Yes, that's a good plan." Luna smiled. "I'll tell the other two." Promptly, the blue alicorn faced the crate somehow concealing two armoured ponies.

"So? What's he saying?" Shining Armor whispered.

"He's actually willing to help us. He says he can form a distraction once we sneak over to the gates, and meet us outside the city. I'm concerned this may be a trap."

"Right..." Cadence muttered. "I guess you could promise him something if he doesn't betray us? Because we all know you two are an item."

"Shut up. You've been swinging your rump in Shining's face since the dungeon. I think we all know you're kind of being a hypocrite." All insults made, Luna returned to her new friend. "Ok, what you're offering is very generous. But, surely you want something in return, hmm?"

"Ahhh, no." he replied. "It's just me, Cloned Scorch-Mane."

"Are you certain you don't wish for some reward for your generosity? Perhaps...me?"

"Yes, fairly certain. All I've wanted from Day 1 is to get the buck away from the idiots you see behind me. Seriously, there's only so long you can stand having a copy of you running about burning things and laughing through a gas mask. It's funny at first, but then once he sets you on fire and starts trying to whack you with a postbox that surprisingly hurts more than when you're not on fire, the fun stops."

"Well, if you're sure."

"Certainly. Make your way to the gate, if you please."

Chapter 1: If only they actually helped...

Shining Armor sighed, his armor upon his stomach clinking together as his abdomen increased, then decreased, in size. His patrol squad, as with all other squads for that day, had a longer time to be spent on guard outside the dining hall. When I say squad, I mean 3 soldiers including him. And when I say soldiers, that translates to 'the most unlikely, randomly picked stallions'. The door they were guarding was unnecessarily tall, and, as with most other doors he sees in Canterlot, golden. Beneath his hooves a red carpet, stretching down the corridor until it was out of sight, and all around him were marble statues depicting the same constipated looking stallion carrying armor and weapons. He was opposite the door, positioning himself next to a window was most likely the dumbest thing he'd done all week. His dark blue armor was absorbiñg heat like a sponge, and his fur was matted with sweat.

Aerilon Drift, the only pegasus they had, fared no better. His Dark Sky Assault Team Of Her Majesty Celestia armor and black coat and mane meant he was practically a waterfall of sweat. On possibly the hottest day of the year, even the shade was like an oven cooking meat. Plus, the fact that his fur was short served him little in that he was practically melting. He was stood inside the hall. Not just for show, however. The three Princesses, Luna, Celestia, and Cadence were discussing important aspects of the economy, crime, punishment, and which guards deserve promotions. This room was even hotter. The fire was roaring, and they had the heaters on.

Scorch-Mane couldn't care less about the heat. He'd been to the west enough to know what the brunt of the sun's wrath could do. Despite not noticing the heat, his maroon coat was sticking together in places, and his mane was attaching itself to the inside of his helmet. Though he never let anyone see, his Cutie Mark was a shield with a sun above it. This was his special talent: Heat-Proofing. This meant his body was incredibly resistant to the blazing sun, and anything involving flames that could easily kill somepony was something he'd participate in. Hours had passed, and all three colts were extremely bored. Even though headsets were inside their helmets, the direct communication between them only served to speed up the rate at which they had run out of things to converse about.

"I'm telling ya," Aerilon said stubbornly. "They'll start arguing."

"They won't." Shining Armor growled. This argument had been continuing for hours between the two, with Scorch opting not to bother joining in.

"So," Scorch finally cut in. "Shining, you've known Cadence since foalhood?" At least it ends the argument.

"Yes." He replied. "She used to foalsit Twily. Then, we parted ways."

"Yeah. So you two...y'know...waited for your little sis to go to bed?"

"Yes."

"Alone. Two teens in a house."

"Yes..." a hint of uncertainty was in Shining Armor's voice, while Aileron was heard sniggering on the mic. Scorch and him were out of view of Shining, giving Scorch the opportunity to point at Cadence and Shining before making sexual gestures to his companion.

"And you...y'know..."

"What?"

"...Banged her?"

"WHAT?!?" Shining angrily hissed through the mic. Before any more insults could be launched, the  dynamic duo heard a loud smash. Whipping their armored necks around, steel plates grated as Sparks screeched out of the sliding metal. They looked at the table, the three princesses now holding each other dead to rights. Celestia and Luna were charging magic bolts from their excessively long horns, and glaring coldly at Cadence, both expecting her to join their side.

"You will not start this war." Celestia hissed with her friendly eyes full of venom.

"They send over bombers." Luna shot back.

"Stop arguing." Cadence whined.

"Oh hell, this ain't good." Scorch whispered over to Drift, neither shifting his concerned gaze from the potentially war starting scene unfolding in front of them.

"YOU!" Luna boomed at Scorch, who squeaked and cowered behind a shield. "ATTACKETH THY SISTER! SHE IS A CHANGELING!"

"Sorry," Scorch stammered, peeking out from behind his shield. "I don't have permission."

"But you do! From me!" She yelled.

"Ok."

"You lack permission from me." Celestia spoke in a calming voice. Scorch's desire to fight left, and he suddenly didn't want any violence.

"Ok."

"Why are we arguing?" Drift cried, standing next to Celestia and flailing his hooves and wings around in the air.

"Stop arguing." Cadence repeated.

"Then we have reached an impasse." Luna frowned, taking hold of Scorch by his hoof and pulling his gun from the holster with magic. She leveled the weapon at her older sister's head.

"Sorry, sis. Only one decision." She pullex the trigger.

Click.

"I don't keep it loaded. Who do you think I am, a decent guard?" Scorch smirked.

"We settle this the old way." Celestia growled. "Pick your partner."

Scorch didn't like where this would end up. There were millions of ways they might settle this. Swords, fighting, civil war, and in one unlikely turnout, chess.

Scorch wanted the last one. He hoped he wouldn't get Cadence, though.

Shining Armor might get jealous of his colthood marefriend.

Chapter -ERROR-: You're so BUCKED, Scorch. Accept me as your savior! Let me be RESPAWNED!

Scorch had began his 'Oh-Dear-Sweet-Mother-Of-Buck-Something-Is-Moving-In-Those-Bushes' stage of panicking. The gas-mask he wore under his helmet was barely helping with the smell of moisture, he was sure things were staring at him, and at one point he swore he felt something run down his leg. In his hoping that it was piss, he began to dart his eyes about, trying to see if somepony was there. He was almost crying with the stress. He was in a dark, unknown point of the forest, he could be found by Psycho Scorch, Murderer Scorch, HitMane, or worse at any point, and he couldn't smoke his tobacco through the mask. Deciding his last resort was to teleport, he remembered how draining the first spell was, and soldiered on. The lenses of the mask were making it hard to see through the darkness that had befallen the forest, so he focussed hard, and after a few seconds a lantern appeared in a red flash of light. Just as Scorch breathed a sigh of relief, the lantern's light illuminated his fears:

A pony was stood staring at him, barely a few feet away from him, the mouth scarred and coated in blood into a horrific smile. His eyes had nothing there, simply black holes. His fur bleached a sickeningly pale white, the pony simply stared not at Scorch, but at the camera. Neither moved for several seconds before a voice came, as hissed and hoarse as a demon.

"WHY DO YOU NOT SLEEP?"

Scorch's screaming suddenly pierced the mask, roaring through the night and shattering the silence. At this, the other pony opened its' mouth and revealed sharp teeth, before throwing itself at Scorch-Mane and spewing his blood everywhere in one swift move and screaming at the camera once more.

Twilight had a stitch. But she carried on towards the hall. The book didn't describe the being, it simply stated the dangers of it's existence. She continued her run, passing Sugarcube Corner and skidding past Bon-Bon's shop. She eventually reached the town hall, with all eyes transfixed on the projection. Applejack quietly hissed to her,

"Where in tarnation have you been?!" she whispered as Twilight stopped next to her to catch her breath. "Y'all missed a touchin' moment between some Pegasus fella and Princess Celestia!"

"What...?" Twilight panted. "That's not important... Lieutenant Scorch-Mane... In danger..."

"Slow down, sugarcube." Applejack muttered.

Suddenly, the camera changed again. Instead of 'Lt. Aerlion Drift', it said once more "Lt. Scorch-Mane'. The location had drastically changed, as instead of a barn dimly lit by one bulb, the camerapony was in a dark forest with no light at all. Masked, panicked breathing could be heard, and eventually the area got slightly brighter. Twilight guessed this was the stallion doing magic. If I ever meet this guy, Twilight thought to herself upon seeing the feeble attempt at magic. I ought to show him REAL magic. These thoughts were dispelled by all the ponies in the hall, mare and stallion, gasping in horror at the screen.

On the screen stood a white pony, blood around the mouth painting a bloody smile, and no eyes at all. The hall was silent, save for the breathing and a heartbeat. Twilight was having a panic attack. It was looking at the audience, at individual ponies, until stopping on her. A voice suddenly crackled through the speakers set up around the hall, courtesy of Vinyl Scratch.

"WHY DO YOU NOT SLEEP?"

A yell was heard over the speakers, before the horror pony opened its' mouth and lunged at the camera. The whole audience screamed in terror at the prospect of this being on their doorstep. Zecora was unconcious on the floor in panic.

The camera finally cut, yet did not stop the screaming coming from the speakers. After a moment of silence, another voice came again.

"I WILL PUT THE CHILDREN TO BED."