Yo Ho Ho

by Comrade Bagel Muffin

Rating: everyone
Tags: Yaks, Screwball, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Minotaur, Original Character, Comedy, Griffons
Length: 1338

The one where Screwball fights pirates.

Screwball goes on an adventure on the high seas, and fights pirates.

Fourth Wall breaks Lots and lots of fourth wall breaks.

Published 2017-10-11 00:40:06 UTC
Last updated 2017-10-11 00:40:06 UTC

The Dreaded Captain Yak

The ocean was calm and peaceful. To the untrained eyes of landlovers it would look like the perfect day. But not to the great Screwball though she knew well the smell of adventure.

"Ahem, The great and awesome Captain Screwball."

I'm sorry excuse me, whose the narrator.

"It's not my fault that you're doing it wrong. I'm the great and awesome Captain Screwball. The most feared filly of the seven seas."

Nopony likes a braggart. Captain Screwball.

"Fine just tell the story." Captain Screwball sighed.

The sea was blue and the gulls flew around her small ship the most feared raft in the seven seas. She eyed the horizons from the crow's nest. Her flag a baked potato crossed by two leaks on a field of black flapped behind her in the gentle breeze. Surely this was the day of adventure.

"Aha!" Screwball exclaimed, looking through her spyglass. "Finally adventure." She jumped hopped out of the crow's nest and grabbed her two oars, rolling toward a floating barrel. Upon which floated a young colt. "Ahoy there castaway! I am the greatly dreaded and totally amazingly awesome Captain Screwball!" Using her chaotic magic she grabs the young pale purple unicorn colt, with a star chart cutie mark, and pulls him into her little row boat.

"Hey you what's the big idea insulting my ship." She points an accusatory hoof at the narrator.

"I didn't insult your ship." The young purple colt asked, clearly concerned.

"I'm not talking to you right now." She returned her gaze back to the sky. "And my boat isn't little it is a great vessel designed to sail the seven seas. Besides you promised me adventure so far all I did is find a barrel and pull a colt onto my boat."

It's called setting up the scene.

"Come on, we can all see what you're really doing here." Again she points her hoof up to the sky. "You're just using as many simple descriptions and cheap tricks so that you can get this story up to the thousand word minimum, so you can post it."

I-I don't know what your talking about. And an angry bee stung Screwball in the throat so she couldn't talk anymore until she started going along with the story.

"OWwww" Screwball swatted away the angry bee, and glared angrily up at the sky. Instantly a stack of cards appeared along with a pencil. She scribbled something down, and held the card up to the colt.

"Can I read," He read. "Yes I can read several languages, I can also-" She put up her hoof to stop him, and scribbled something else down on another card. She held it up to him to read. "The Narrator is a tyrant."
I don't have to take this from you, you can't even see the forth wall. And an electric eel shot up from the ocean and zapped the yet unnamed unicorn colt OC unconscious. Curd now look what you made me do, now our exposition character is unconscious. How about we call a truce Screwball.

The chaos filly crossed her arms and angrily nodded. "Fine." She said as soon as the bee sting vanished. "I'll wake him up." A bucket full of water appeared in a blink of gentle purple. "Wake up random OC colt, we need you to move the story along. She threw the water on him and he sat up in a start.

"Ahgr." The colt looked up at Screwball in fear. "Were we arguing with god?" Both she face hoofed as the narrator face palmed.

Wow he's an idiot.

"Just tell me your backstory so that this story can continue."

"My backstory what do you mean?"

"Like what your name is and why the heck you were floating on a barrel in the middle of the ocean."

"My name is Star Chart and I come from the griffon kingdom. You see I never new my parents and I was raised by a blind griffon sage named-" Screwball put her hoof in his mouth.

"I asked for you backstory not your life story."

Aww, but I had him so well fleshed out. I was even going to ship him with you in the sequel.

"No I'm not going to work with a you again. If the word count wasn't already at 720 I'd buy my way out of my contract and fire my agent. I still may fire my agent. Let's just get the rest of this story done. Okay?" The colt nodded his head up and down. "I wasn't talking to you, but I'm glad that you got the point. Now I'm going to pull my hoof back, and you're going to tell me why you were floating on a barrel in the middle of the sea." She took her hoof away from the colt's mouth.

"My adopted griffon father and I were attacked by Yak Beard the dreaded bearded yak pirate."

"Finally 824 words in, now we have our adventure. Which way did he go Star Chart." The purple colt pointed to the west. There was a flash of magic and Screwball pulled a lever. Suddenly two massive water wheels appeared on, and started spinning like crazy. And the boat hydroplaned off to the west.

Suddenly their boat slammed into another much larger ship.

"Size isn't the only thing that matters."

"Who smash into Captain Yak Beards ship. Captain Yak smash them." A large yak looked over the railing of his ship down on the colt and filly.

"I am the dreaded Captain Screwball most feared filly pirate hunter on the seven seas.

"Captain Yak Beard, hear of Captain Screwball. Captain Yak Beard unimpressed. Captain Yak Beard will smash unimpressive things."

"I except your challenge." Screwball used her special chaos powers to teleport onto Captain Yak Beards ship.

"I'm coming to." Star Chart tried to call upon his latent magical powers to teleport, but nothing happened, so he grabbed a rope and hook and tossed it up. Looking up the side of the gigantic vessel he sighed. "This is going to be tiresome."

"En Gard. Prepare to face your defeat!"

"Captain Yak Beard not give pony permission to come onto ship. Minotaur crew, capture pony!" Captain Yak Beard pointed at Screwball, who was quickly surrounded by a dozen minotaurs all armed with baloney sausages. Screwball summoned her baseball bat of bad guy bashing and began to engage the minotaurs in combat. She blocked their baloney sausages with her excellent fencing skills and knocked each one into the water one after the next, they tumbled past Star Chart into the sea.

"Captain Yak Beard still unimpressed. Captain Yak Beard will smash you now pony." Screwball leapt into the air avoiding the deadly blow of the iron hoofed yak pirate captain. Star Chart tumbled onto the galleon and at once his eyes fell on his adopted griffon father. He snuck over to untie him.

"Yes Captain Yak Beard, you and me one on one. An excellent way to end this adventure."

"Captain Yak Beard not think of this as Adventure, but as comedy with adventure like aspects and tropes."

"Comedy?" Screwball looked up at the tags for the story. "What!" She pointed her hoof at the narrator. "You said this would be an adventure not a comedy."

I'll fix it later but can we please get back to the grand finale?

"Captain Yak Beard not see who little filly with the unimpressive boat is talking to?" Screwball's eye twitched.

"My, Ship. Is. Not. Unimpressive!" With all her might she hit Captain Yak Beard with her bat. Hitting a home run he is sent flying.

"Looks like Captain Yak Beard is blasting off againnnnnnnnnn!"

"Thank you captain Screwball for helping us." Star Chart said as he guided his adopted griffon father off the ship.

"Your welcome Captain Screwball is always here to help."

The End.

Author's Note

Shamelessssss.:pinkiecrazy:

"You still haven't fixed it!" Screwball Screamed
It's to late now I said the end