Fallout Equestria: Cheap Sun Glasses

by Comrade Bagel Muffin

Rating: everyone
Tags: Screwball, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character, Comedy, Random, Discord
Length: 1614

Tax-I takes on a job to take a strange psychotic filly home. What did he do to deserve this?

After the world ended ponies still needed a way to get from one place to another and Taxi work, Taxi work never changes. Tax-I only has his wagon and his cheap sunglasses. His funds are low, so when he's hired by a crazy filly he goes ahead and takes the job.

Published 2018-07-24 16:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-07-24 16:30:01 UTC

Everypony is an Assassin

The world before the bombs was beautiful, full of life, hope, and dreams. A world of sunshine and opportunity. A world were cutie marks were for baking and party planning. Not like now not here in the Equestrian wasteland. Yet, it was those bakers and parting planners that launched the mega spells, those zebras that launched the balefire bombs. Tax-I blew out a billow of smoke from his mouth after taking a long pull from the cigarette. He looked up at the perpetually overcast sky, which was made all the darker by his sunglasses. He took another long pull from his cigarette.

Somepony came up to him. "Hey buddy, you're blocking my sunlight." He blew out another billow of smoke. He waved a forehoof aimlessly above him. "Do you mind scooting to the right or left buddy?"

"I need help getting home could you help me? Please." Tax-I sighed another cloud of smoke poured out of his mouth. "I have caps. I really don't need them where I'm going, so you can have them all." He looked over his shoulder straight down the twin barrels of a double barreled shot gun. He screamed and rolled out of the way just as both barrels blasted the ground his head had just occupied. He jumped up reaching for his pistol. "Don't even try it assassin! You can't beat me," a little light purple earth pony filly said. She had on a pair of cheap sunglasses just like him. Her mane and tail were mostly purple but had solid white swirls. Just like those MoM posters that were everywhere. Though the most noticeable thing about her was the missile launcher that was floating next to her head.

"I'm not an assassin I'm the cab driver silly filly!" He dropped his pistol as a sign of good faith. He'd never hurt a filly or colt in his life, and he didn't want to hurt her. Just as relevant was the fact that he didn't want this filly shooting him with the missile launcher.

"Don't try and use your assassin mind tricks on me, anything that wears sunglasses is an assassin, 99 times out of 100." The floating missle launcher was shoved in his face.

"First that doesn't make any sense, two there's still a one percent chance then that I'm not an assassin, and I'm not, and lastly, You're Wearing SUNGLASSES!" He pointed a hoof at the filly who didn't even flinch. "Now tell your unicorn friend to get this missile launcher out of my face."

"I don't have any friends they were all assassins." She pulled the lollipop out of her mouth. "So you're not an assassin?" She put the sucker back into her mouth and lowered her sunglasses with a hoof. Her eyes were pupilless white spirals in that spun purple irises.

"Yes I'm not an assassin." She pushed the glasses back up covering her weird eyes. "I've done this job my whole life. Everypony in town knows that." He gulped hoping that she understood. "So could you lower the missile launcher?"

"Well I guess I've got no choice. I've got to get home, and quick." The missile launcher vanished in a purple flash. "I'll believe that your a cab driver, but if your actually an assassin then, I'll blow you up okay?" He nodded. "Good. Here's some bottle caps. I need to get home." She got into the cart. He took a pull from his cigarette. Sure she had tried to blow his head off, but really that was half of his customers, though normally it was at the end of the ride and not the beginning. He sighed smoke poured out of his mouth. He spat the cigarette to the ground and stepped it out.

"So filly where are you heading to?" Tax-I asked as he hitched himself up to the cart.

"I need to get to the center of the Realm of Chaos." He looked over his shoulder to the filly. "Just gooooooooooooo," she spun her hoof around in the air aimlessly as she dragged the word on. "That way." She pointed in a seemingly random direction. "Just be ready to make a lot course corrections. The Realm of Chaos likes to move around." Tax-I sighed and started heading out. "Turn around it's behind us now."

"I'm not going to be paid enough for this." He turned around briskly trotted in the opposite direction. His fair lay back in the cart she continued to suck on her lollipop.

"So maybe assassin, cap driver." The filly began shifting the lollipop to the other side of her mouth. "you got any friends or family?"

"I'm not an assassin." He sighed. "And no not really. I'm a runaway slave, I don't have a family, and I don't have any friends either, but I do have drinking buddies."

"Ah, bunch of stallions drinking the hard stuff straight from the bottle. No words, just nods, grunts, and the occasional pat on the back" She nodded. "It doesn't get more manly or friendly than that." She moved the lollipop around to the other side of her mouth.

"Not really, but why'd you ask?"

"Cause I don't think you're going to make it. We've got assassins ahead of us." She said bluntly. "If you charge them we should be able to run them over flat as pancakes though."

"What?" He looked up and saw an elderly griffoness pushing a stroller across the street. She was even using the prewar cross walk. She didn't have any viable weapons nor any armor she only wore a pair of black sunglasses. "That old grandma? She doesn't look like she could hurt a fly."

"I'm telling you she's an assassin, she's wearing sunglasses." Screwball takes the lollipop out of her mouth with a pop.

"You're wearing sunglasses. I'm wearing sunglasses, sunglasses are cool. Anypony can wear them and they become 20% more awesome."

"So your telling me your not an assassin and she isn't an assassin." The filly's strange eyes peered over the edge of her sunglasses. "I find that hard to believe."

"I'm not an assassin these sunglasses make me look freaking cool." He sighed looking over his shoulder to look the filly in her spiraled eyes. "And I think that anybody is allowed to look cool by wearing sunglasses, and I'm not running over an old griffoness with good fashion sense."

"The one with the baby with the minigun?" She asks with a deadpan expression.

"What?!" He looked back at the road. the baby in the baby stroller was was a Diamond Dog, and was now standing on it's hind legs. With a minigun revving up. "What the HECK!"

"Goo-goo Gaa-gaa, Beatches." Tax-I booked it down an alleyway as hot lead spewed from the multibarrel death gun. "After them Sugga Grandma." The Giffoness gave pursuit, as the baby Diamond Dog continued raining death from the minigun.

"Not assassins huh?" the strange eyed filly asked, as she pulled the lollipop out of her mouth with a pop.

"What the heck is going on?!" Tax-I turned down the next road. "Why does that baby have a minigun? Why are they chasing us?! What's going on?"

"It's obvious, they're assassins." She said pulling a Balefire Egg out of her tail. Tax-I's eyes widened he was certain that it hadn't been there earlier. She threw the Balefire Egg straight into a biker bar. The Griffon and Diamond Dog were caught in the explosion as were several dozen changeling bikers as it went off. The Griffioness knocked out one of the changelings as the Diamond Puppy took the bars of their bike the elderly griffon jumping into the side cart. They took off the Changeling bikers jumped on bikes that weren't there before, and began pursuit of the cabby wagon."

"This is completely insane!" Tax-I exclaimed.

"No this is chaos." She pulled the lollipop back out of her mouth and pulled the stick out of the candy with her mouth spitting the stick out of her mouth. She threw the top of the lollipop into the road ahead of them. A second later a portal appeared in front of them, and before Tax-I ran through it before he could change direction or skid to a stop, and he ran straight into the realm of chaos, were up was made left, and down became ham sandwich. The portal closed behind them.

"What's going on?!"

"Relax assassin just go over there and I'll be home and your done."

"I'm not an assassin." Tax-I grumbled as he headed in the direction that she had pointed. The promise of being done was the only reason that he didn't drop the strange eyed filly right then and there.

"Well well well. Looks like you just bit the bullet young lady." A voice said as they approached. "Three more minutes, and you would have missed your curfew, Screwball." Discord appeared in a flash. Tax-I just stopped, and after unhitching himself opened the wagon door and let Screwball out of the wagon. "What's wrong with him am I really not that impressive that I get deadpan services."

"After dealing with her yes. Now your home can I have my pay?"

"Sure." Screwball looked over her sunglasses and gave him a bag full of caps. "You make a piss poor assassin, but one heck of a cabby you should consider a career change."

"Yeah I get that a lot." He didn't even flinch as he was shot in the head by the filly.

A moment later he woke up where he had met the filly his wagon one full bag of caps heavier than when he had gone to sleep.