Prologue
"Chuck Norris"
Chuck Norris stared at the hulking machine that stood in front of him, his eyes slowly moving across its myriad wires, panels and flashing lights. He grunted at it and turned his gaze back to a short man wearing a lab coat, the name Ted etched hastily on an upside-down nametag.
Ted noticed Chuck Norris’ head pointing in his direction and quickly pushed his glasses higher on the bridge of his nose. “So, Mr. Norris, what do you think of it?” he asked, his voice far more confident than he actually was. Chuck’s eyebrows narrowed at the puny scientist. He was not accustomed to such trite conversation. Only the screams of agony of his foes. And friends, depending.
Ted flinched and felt sweat forming on his brow as Chuck’s powerful glare only intensified. He had an urge to flee but found himself frozen to the floor in fear. His body began to quiver as his heartbeat quickened. He knew what was going to come next. One of Chuck Norris’ one-shot kill roundhouses. And that was if he was lucky…
“Your portal is pathetic.” Chuck grunted. He turned back to the machine and stroked his godly chin, fully accepting that sparks flew from each touch of his gravely goatee. “However I see your problem. You did right to call me here.”
“S-so you’ll help us?” Ted asked, dumbfounded.
“That depends. Where do you want this portal to lead to?” Chuck Norris walked over to the convenient plot device and leaned against it, placing stunning black aviators over his deep blue eyes.
“W-w-well Bill and I were hoping to use this portal to prove the multiverse theory.” Ted stuttered, pointing to his equally lanky friend that stood behind plate glass in a control room. “That is we hope to create a wormhole from here to another dimension and interact with their inhabitants. There’s so much we could-”
Chuck Norris raised a finger to shush the man blathering before him. Ted froze, mouth open in a humorous position. “An alternate dimension?” Chuck asked, folding his arms. “Child's play. Two and a half roundhouse kicks should power the generator long enough for the flux capacitors to properly shred the fabric of the space time continuum for a proper portal to open and remain that way.”
Ted’s mouth dropped in awe at Chuck’s vast knowledge of theoretical quantum physics and almost as if on cue scurried into the control room with his friend, seating himself behind a small panel and a microphone. Chuck Norris straightened his hat and cracked his knuckles, the shockwaves causing a tsunami that raised the sunken city of Atlantis and re-sank it all at once.
“Alright Mr. Norris…” Ted began, setting himself up behind the microphone. He tapped it lightly. “Hey is this thing even on?” Ted began tapping it again as Bill grabbed at his headphones, cringing from each hit. Ted turned to find his friend holding his newly aching head and grinned sheepishly. "Oh, I guess it is.”
“Yeah, you think?” Bill added sarcastically, rubbing his temples.
Ted ignored the comment and turned his attention back to Chuck Norris who stood silently, waiting and fighting back his natural urge to impale the scientists with his pure awesomeness. “Anyway, let me just power her up and then you can start opening the portal, Mr. Norris.”
Chuck grunted and levitated over to the machine, eying its overly cliché and unoriginal circular portal gate. The machine suddenly came to life, buzzing noises escaping from its chassis. Random light bulbs began glowing different colors all along the machine’s body, creating a path to the portal gate. Unimpressed, Chuck Norris leaned against the device’s chassis and watched small, purple swirl of energy form, floating in the center of the gate.
“Alright Mr. Norris!” Ted shouted excitedly over the intercom. “Here is where Bill and I have had most of our difficulty. We’ve been able to create a small portal that’s stable enough to allow small things through, however once we attempt to enlarge it, we lose control and it collapses.”
Chuck waited for the intercom to buzz off and took off his sunglasses, revealing blue eyes so deep they could drown anyone that looked into them directly. Some risks are worth it. “If you’re able to make a small portal, then why not put small things through? An animal or a camera or something.”
Bill and Ted exchanged glances in the control room, frowns on both of their faces. Bill turned directly behind him and looked at an empty guinea pig cage, a small wreath and roses scattered about its floor. He sighed and watched his vision blur as tears welled up in his eyes. “Rest in peace, Chuckles McPoopytons...”
“Uhh, we had a bit of an… accident with one of our test subjects.” Ted answered over the loudspeaker. He leaned over and patted Bill’s shoulder, giving him a solemn nod.
“Y-yeah, sorry Ted. Let’s do this. For-for Chuckles!” Bill slammed a hand down on the control panel.
“Alright Mr. Norris, we did the math and all we need is a single roundhouse kick at approximately 57% power to provide enough energy to fully open the portal.” Ted flicked a small switch in front of him and watched as a cardboard cutout of Joseph Stalin popped out from the machine.
Chuck Norris’ eyes shot open wide at the life-size Stalin standing before him. He felt his heart begin to race as adrenaline (and magma) pumped through his veins.
“Behind Stalin there’s a small generator that will take your kick and convert it to a subdued version of nuclear power.” Ted called from the loudspeaker.
“Yeah!” Bill added happily. “We figured you’d feel at home roundhouse kicking Stalin instead of one of those bull’s-eye targets from a ‘test your strength’ carnival game.”
“You un-American scum!” Chuck tightened his fists at the sight of his greatest enemy. Seething rage flowed through his body as he reared his leg back in preparation for all out decimation. In the control room, Bill and Ted hurriedly tossed on helmets and goggles to protect themselves from the destructive force of Chuck Norris’ super kicks.
"Taste capitalism, you pinko bastard!” Chuck Norris roared, shooting his booted foot forward at such a high velocity that it left a trail of flames in its wake. Upon impact, the cutout of Stalin exploded on the atomic level, annihilating the walls surrounding the machine. Bill and Ted watched in horror as the purple portal rapidly unfolded and filled the gate, suddenly growing larger and encompassing the entirety of the room, Chuck Norris included.
“Mr. Norris!” Ted screamed through the loudspeaker, although his voice was drowned out by the sound of the portal’s rapid growth. “You kicked it too hard! Too hard!” He waved his arms wildly in a feeble attempt to get Chuck’s attention. Suddenly a blinding light filled the room; Bill and Ted shielded their eyes with their arms.
They heard their beloved machine rattle and buzz violently from behind the soundproof glass of the control room, the intense light and sound finally shattering the window. The force of the machines energy tossed the scientists from their seats onto the floor in a heap. With a deafening bang, everything suddenly returned to normalcy; save for the demolished laboratory, the newly vanished portal and a severe lack of Chuck Norris.
Ted rubbed his throbbing head and slowly picked himself off of the floor, dusting off his pants. He turned toward his friend. “Well that sucked.”
Bill looked up at Ted, confused. “What?!” he shouted in reply.
“I said: that sucked!” Ted shouted back.
“WHAT?!” Bill cupped his ear and leaned as far forward as he could.
"THAT SUCKED!”
“Dude, I can’t hear you, speak up!” Bill shouted.
“… Wait, what?”
After the blinding light dissipated, Chuck Norris found himself flying through a purple vortex, his body flipping around as if it were merely a ragdoll rather than that of a god. He attempted desperately to stop himself from flipping, but even he wasn’t strong enough to break free from the mystical force dragging him through the space-time continuum. In awe, he stared as his boot, still extended outward from his roundhouse kick, stab into the vortex’s misty walls, tearing holes in reality itself.
Streams of pink billowed from the holes, shooting bright light past Chuck Norris, straight into the heart of the mystical maelstrom. He knew full well that each tear in the vortex would be responsible for interrupting countless other realities and planes of existence, possibly pulling people into the same vortex as well.
A completely forgotten feeling of worry and dread came over Chuck Norris as he saw a bright white light at one end of the vortex. He knew his horrific journey was about to come to an end. He just didn’t know how. Chuck Norris opened his mouth to scream as he saw the rapidly approaching end when suddenly something crossed his mind.
“Wait a minute! I’m Chuck Norris!” he shouted, kicking his right leg back as far as Norris-ly possible. “I’m able to solve any problem with a swift roundhouse kick!” With that he shot his foot forward into the time vortex tearing a massive hole in the misty walls. He suddenly found himself getting drawn into the newly made hole in reality as if a current was carrying him.
Chuck shrugged and allowed himself to lazily float through the portal. After a sudden flash of light, he found himself lying on a patch of grass in an oddly pastel coloured world. His blue eyes shifted about and gazed at his odd surroundings, noticing the cartoonish quality of the sky, trees, and small animals that scurried by. A squirrel went up to him, curious, and held out an acorn to the towering Chuck Norris.
Surprised by such a kind greeting, Chuck Norris smiled and accepted, leaning down to pick up the tiny nut. From the sheer brilliance of Chuck’s smile, the squirrel spontaneously combusted and turned into a heap of ashes. There never quite was a squirrel that died as happily as he.
The new land filled Chuck Norris with glee as he felt an urge to prance and skip around his striking surroundings. He smiled and laughed at the unusual feeling of overwhelming happiness that flowed through him, entirely pushing his characteristic silent ire out of his system. Chuck Norris had never been happier.
“Who is he?” a purple unicorn asked aloud, her eyes fixed to a pair of binoculars clasped in her hooves. She eyed the human prancing about in the distance attentively and dropped the binoculars, instead grabbing a quill and notepad. “Subject seems to be too far for proper identification.” She began, scribbling her notes down furtively. “I will now attempt to get closer and possibly interact with him. A feat nopony has been able to do for over 200 years.” She dropped the notepad and placed her belongings into saddlebags, slinging them onto her back.
“And I’ll succeed, alright!” she said triumphantly. “Or my name isn’t Twilight Sparkle!”
Twilight stealthily crept behind a large row of bushes, occasionally peeking over the tops to keep tabs where the mysterious human was located. As she neared him, she gasped, amazed. “Simply wonderful!” she squealed with delight. “A human! I can’t believe I’m finally going to get a chance like this!”
With that Twilight Sparkle rose from her hiding spot and found herself standing a few feet away from the subject. Her heart froze in fear and wonder, for standing before was the most mythical of all creatures. Chuck “Break every bone in your body” Norris.
The purple mare found herself gaping at the godly example of a human and silently blessed her luck. Chuck Norris merely looked down upon her, purposely softening his gaze so not to cripple her mind from its magnificence.
“Y-y-you’re…” Twilight stuttered, still in disbelief.
“Yes, my child. I am Chuck Norris.” He answered her, his voice rough, and yet smooth as silk. He reached out a hand and stroked Twilight’s mane, a smile adorning his face. “Now pray tell, where exactly am I?”
Twilight tried to speak but was muted by excitement. She merely giggled and blushed at the rugged man in front of her. Finally she calmed herself down enough to inform him before returning to a fit of enthusiastic giggles. “You’re in Equestria! More specifically, the outskirts of Ponyville!”
“Ponyville you say?” he asked, rubbing a hand on his beard. He eyed the environment and spotted a quaint town in the distance. “Well Miss…..”
“Oh, uh, Twilight. Twilight Sparkle! Prized student of our beloved Princess Celestia.” She said proudly.
“Well then Twilight,” Chuck began, disregarding her additional comment. “I have some grave news.”
“What?” Twilight looked confused.
Chuck Norris sighed. “It appears that as I was traveling to Equestria through a wormhole bridging my reality and yours created by one of my legendary roundhouse kicks, my foot tore a hole in the space time continuum. With so many holes in the fabric of reality itself, I fear that countless more wormholes have opened in alternate worlds, possibly even sending some occupants to Equestria as well.”
“W-what?!” Twilight sparkle was horrified. “How-what…?!”
“There’s no time for you to be dumbfounded in a comical fashion!” Chuck yelled, getting her attention. “We need to work together in order to round up everyone that leaks through into Equestria and send them back into respective realities.”
“And just how do you propose we do that?!”
“Simple.” Chuck answered almost immediately. “You need to alert everypony in Ponyville so they’ll be on the lookout for anything strange. And whenever somepony manages to find or capture a straggler, bring them to me. I’ll roundhouse them back to their appropriate world. Now, I just need a base of operations…”
Chuck leaned in toward Twilight Sparkle, stroking his beard as if in thought. “Sure would be horrible if I didn’t have anywhere to stay. Especially with all of Ponyville overrun with random people from all over the space time continuum…”
Twilight groaned. “Fine. You can stay in my basement. Now come with m-”
Chuck Norris turned away from Twilight Sparkle and began walking in the complete opposite direction of Ponyville.
“What? Where are you going?!” She shouted after him.
“People from all throughout time and space are being sent to Equestria. I’m looking for one in particular. The most un-American bastard I know.”
“Justin Bieber?” Twilight asked.
“Close. A Comrade Joseph Stalin. And he’s going down.” Chuck clenched his fists and began walking off toward the horizon.
“But what about the library!? You don’t know where I live!”
Chuck laughed heartily, causing several massive rockslides on every mountain in a ten mile radius. “Silly Twilight. I know everything. I’m Chuck Norris.” With that, he rose a fist to the sky and began to rise off the ground, shooting into the sky at unparalleled speeds.
