Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in this story. They are the property of Rumiko Takahashi and Hasbro.
"Rainma, you idiot!"
A multi-colored pegasus with a pigtailed mane blasted out of the top story window of the Ponyville library. As the figure receded into the horizon, it yelled back, "You are so uncute!"
Thus began another day in the magical land of Equestria.
Rainma Saotome landed over a mile away, colliding with an apple tree within one of the many orchards of Sweet Apple Acers. The impact shook all the apples from the tree, the red fruit falling to the ground in a pile. A moment later, Rainma untangled himself from the branches and joined them.
"Oi, she's awfully moody today," Rainma grumbled as he picked himself up and began to smooth back his ruffled feathers. "But really, if I don't tell Twine that her cooking tastes like the bottom of a pig trough, then what pony will?"
Suddenly, Rainma's danger sense screamed at him to move. He dove to the side and just managed to avoid being pierced through the body by a large, red umbrella. Rainma rolled to his hooves and set himself into a stance, prepared to face down this new threat.
"Did I hear you making fun of Twine Tendo's cooking again, Saotome?!" an orange earth pony roared. Tied around the pony's forehead and black main was a black and yellow spotted bandanna. The pony heaved the umbrella up and out of the four foot crater it left in its failed attack with his mouth. "How da'e you!"
"Hey, Applega! Nice to see you found your way back. It only took two weeks this time!"
"Shut u', Rainma!"
Rainma zipped up to Applega before the earth pony could react and smacked him over the head with a hoof. "Didn't your mother ever tell you not to speak with your mouth full?"
Applega spit out the umbrella handle and glared at the blue pegasus. "There, that better?"
"Perfect!"
"Good. Now die!"
Applega lunged forward, striking out with a hoof at Rainma's head. Rainma pivoted out of the way, the attack missing him by a wide margin. Undeterred, Applega continued his assault, launching out with a variety of punches and bucks.
"Hey, have you been training since you've been gone?" Rainma asked in a conversational tone. He smirked as he weaved through the storm of blows. "You're actually coming close to hitting me!"
"Stand still, darn you!" Applega cried out in frustration as another swipe of his hoof failed to tag the elusive pegasus. Nothing would have made him happier than to wipe the cocky grin off of Rainma's muzzle.
“No can do,” Rainma replied cheekily. “I’ve got places to go and skies to clear!” He hopped over a powerful buck that Applega launched his way, used the outstretched limb as a springboard and launched himself into the air. “Don’t worry! I’ll be sure to get your scheduled rain over to ya! Later!”
“Come back here!” Applega yelled after his rival’s retreating form. With a roar of frustration, he bucked a nearby apple tree. The trunk splintered from the tremendous force of the blow and the tree toppled to the ground. Applega seethed to himself for a few more moments before picking up his umbrella and wandering off.
“Hiya! Ha! Ya!”
Rainma Saotome kicked, bucked and blew away the clouds that covered the skies above Ponyville. He flew to one cloud to the next, imagining each one as an opponent that needed defeating. The simple act of clearing the sky became an exercise in of itself to hone his skills and prowess to a razor’s edge. No pony could match his speed and power and he intended to keep it that way.
Rearing back, Rainma streaked towards a particularly large cumulus, intent on tearing it apart in one flyby. He grinned, anticipating plowing through the obstruction and leaving a trail of water vapor in his wake.
He impacted the cloud as though it were a brick wall.
The pegasus groaned in pain and idly wondered at the unexpected durability of the cumulus. Bracing his hooves against the cloud on each side of his head, he pushed himself until his body popped out like a cork in a bottle.
“Ha! Ha! You fell for it!”
Rainma shook his head to clear it of the cobwebs and turned towards the new voice. A small creature, just a little bigger than a foal and comprised of various animal parts rolled around on top of the impossibly hard cloud in uncontrollable laughter.
“Discosai!” Rainma shouted at the spirit of chaos and perversity. “What are you doing, ya freak?!”
The wrinkled grandmaster of the Anything-Goes school of martial arts and disharmony managed to get his laughter under control and answered, “Ah, Rainma, my boy! Just trying to keep my favorite pupil on the tip of his hooves. Can’t have you getting soft if you are to continue with my legacy!”
“As if I’m going to learn how to lift mares’ tails or steal their makeup!”
“Bah! You’re missing out on the finer things in life.” Discosai disappeared in a flash and reappeared on Rainma’s back. “But enough of that. Let’s see how your better half has developed!” A snap of his taloned fingers later, a pink cloud materialized above them and immediately began to rain sake.
“Gah! Cold!” Rainma shrieked in a much higher pitched voice as the sake washed over her now female body.
“That’s the ticket!” Discosai exclaimed and latched onto Rainma’s curvier rump and began to rub himself all over it.
“Ew! Get off you sicko!” Rainma flew and bucked wildly to dislodge the draconequus clinging to her. However, Discosai wasn’t about to let go of his favorite pair of cheeks.
“My, how you’ve developed since last time!” Discosai commented in glee.
Fed up with his antics, Rainma quickly flew above the cloud that Discosai had perched on earlier, flipped around so that her back was pointing towards it and plummeted down. Discosai yelped in surprise as his body flattened between the rock hard surface of the cloud and the steely rear end of the pegasus above him. Rainma twisted back to her hooves, wrapped her colourful tail around the clinging creature’s neck and plucked him off of her.
“Take a hike you sicko!” With that, Rainma flicked Discosai into the air and punted him into the sky.
The young Saotome panted in anger and revulsion from the encounter and after a minute was able to finally clam down. She turned to fly away but recoiled from a hideous sight in front of her.
“Ah! It’s a mule!”
A magical staff whacked her over the head.
“Who are you calling a mule?!”
Rainma rubbed her sore head and drifted back a few pony lengths to get a good look at the unexpected newcomer. In hindsight, she could have done without the better view.
“Discy giving you trouble again, son-in-law?” Colognia asked with a smirk. The shriveled, white winged unicorn with a flowing mane of silver stood upon the pink cloud that Discosai had created. “You and he seem to be crossing paths more often lately.”
“I never asked to,” Rainma grumbled. “Jerk just can’t take the hint that I don’t want to learn any of his pervy techniques.”
Colognia nodded, even as she used her magic to conjure up a straw and draw out the sake in the cloud she rested on. Once she had taken a long sip, she regarded the younger pony before her. “Glad to hear that. Once you start down the path that Discosai took, all hopes of achieving inner harmony are lost. While with me, I gained true power over the course of my life by hard work and long hours of practise. And look at me now.”
Rainma quirked an eyebrow. “A dried up old prune?”
Colognia smacked the pegasus with her golden staff again.
“The ruler of an entire country, sonny!” the elder princess corrected. Settling down, Colognia continued, “I swear, youngins these days.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Rainma waived off and whirled around to leave. “Look, I’m done here so I’ve gotta get back to town. Chat with ya later.” With that, Rainma took off, leaving a contrail of rainbow streaks behind her.
Colognia called after her before she was out of range, “My great-great-great-great-niece will be visiting you later! Be sure to treat her out to a nice date!”
As Rainma flew closer to Ponyville, she noticed a gathering of ponies in the town square. Curious, she angled her flight to take her down and landed next to a group of ponies staring at a wooden caravan with an attached stage in eager anticipation.
“Hey, what’s going on?” Rainma asked a unicorn with a green coat and brown hair. Lyka if she remembered correctly.
“Oh, it’s wonderful!” Lyka squealed. “That hunky unicorn is back!”
“He’s going to perform his magic tricks for us again,” a yellow earth pony nearby explained.
“Wait,” Rainma said hesitatingly. “You don’t mean...”
A white coated unicorn with a long and flowing black mane and tail and wearing white robes leaped from behind a set of curtains and onto the stage. He spread his forehooves to the sky and proclaimed, “Come one! Come all! Come and witness the show stopping abilities of the Great and Powerful-”
“Stupid Moussie!”
“...uh, wait. That’s not how it goes-”
Before the performer could puzzle out what had gone wrong, a carriage came barreling from the sky and landed on his head, crushing him into the stage. A figure bounced out of the carriage and scanned the shocked crowd. “Aiyah! Rainma!” the newcomer cried as she spied her quarry.
Princess Mi Amore Pu spread her purple and pinks wings, flew out of the carriage and pounced Rainma before the pegasus could think to get away. “Pu so happy to see you!” Pu cried out in delight and wrapped her hooves around Rainma’s neck.
“Ah, ha ha, yeah, nice to see you too...” Rainma nervously replied, trying to squirm away. “Um, could you ease your grip up-”
“I have wonderful ramen for you!” Pu interrupted and levitated a take-out box from her carriage. User her magic, Pu brought out a bowl of steaming hot noodles and held them before her husband to be. “Say, ‘Ah’.”
“Ah,” Rainma stuttered before realizing what she had done. Still, the noodles did smell pretty good-
“Hooves off my Rain-Chan!”
Rainma, Pu and the surrounding crowd looked up to see a white unicorn mare with long brown hair tied in a white bow stomp into view. In her magical grasp was a large spatula, which the unicorn lifted up into striking position.
“Release him, you hussy!” Ukity demanded.
Pu sniffed in disdain, but rose up to meet the new arrival. A cruel smile graced her muzzle as she lifted up a chúi from her carriage and brandished it before her. “Pancake chef think she mare enough to take on Pu?” she taunted.
“It’s okonomiyaki you dolled up tart!” Ukity shot back and charged. Pu gave a battle cry and the fight between the two magical ponies was on.
On the stage, the Flattened and Abused Moussie moaned in pain and pulled his head out of the hole it had been forced into. He shrugged off the carriage laying on top of him and stared out at the blurred figures before him. One blur in particular stood out among the rest. “Pu!” Moussie galloped forward and grabbed his beloved in his hooves and into a tight hug. “I’m so happy to have found you again!”
“Put your glasses on, moron!”
Moussie blinked at the familiar voice. He reached up to the pair of thick glasses perched just under his horn and pulled them down over his eyes. A disgruntled pegasus glared back at him.
“Saotome! How dare you trick me!” The magician pushed the mare away from him. A set of chains topped with knives levitated out from his voluminous robes and shot forwards.
Rainma slipped past the snake-like weapons and maneuvered herself close to her opponent to within hoof distance. “I’m not in the mood to deal with you! Katchu Tenshin Amagurikan!” Hundreds of hoof strikes struck Moussie’s body in the span of a few seconds. Unable to take such a barrage, Moussie collapsed to the ground in a heap.
“Course... you, Saotome...” the beaten unicorn groaned out.
Rainma rolled her eyes at the pathetic pony and turned around.
Just in time to receive a chúi to the face.
“Aiyah! Stupid Spatula Girl make Pu hit Airen!”
“I didn’t make you hit anything!” Ukity retorted and once again resumed her battle with the pink princess.
Rainma wobbled back and forth on her hooves, watching the world and all the pretty ponies whirl about. She slapped herself with a wing and slowly her vision returned to normal. “Okay. That’s it.” Rainma took to the air and scanned the skies. Her sharp eyes found what she was looking for and darted away. She returned to the crowd seconds later with her prize.
“You all need to cool down!” Rainma declared and bucked the raincloud she had brought hard. Water poured from the cloud and drenched the ponies underneath. Many ran away to seek shelter but a few didn’t have the chance.
“Skree!”
“Raarr!”
Satisfied with her hoofwork, Rainma kicked the raincloud away and touched down next to a screeching changeling and an angry bear cub. Rainma picked up the upset creatures and held them before her. “You two calm down!” she chastised them. The changeling and cub glared at her but stopped their fussing. Sighing, Rainma placed them on her back and turned towards the only other pony in the area. “Uk-Chan, I’m going to drop these two off at Fluttermi’s. She’ll be able to look after them until some hot water is ready. See you later, all right?”
Ukity wiped some water from her mane, already silently scheduling her next appointment with the local spa, and smiled brightly at her fiance. “Sure, Rain-Chan! I’ll have some okonomiyaki all ready for you!”
“Sure, whatever,” Rainma said back and took off.
The trip to Fluttermi's house was uneventful, something Rainma was grateful for. Carrying two animals that sported sharp teeth and claws while already agitated didn't lend itself to a healthy future should something wind them up even more. As the pegasus neared the picturesque cottage that the local animal caretaker called her home, Rainma kept a sharp eye out for any critters that would cause her trouble. Not that Rainma had anything against animals, but certain ones were high on her list to avoid.
She made her way towards the cottage door and rapped on it a few times with a hoof. Noises and scuttling could be heard on the other side, no doubt by the countless creatures that Fluttermi looked after. After a few seconds of waiting, a yellow and pink pegasus pony opened the door.
"Oh, hello Rainma," came her soft spoken greeting. "What brings you here?"
"These two," Rainma answered and bounced her back to jostle Pu and Moussie off of her. The changeling and bear cub landed on either side and each waved up at Fluttermi with a claw and paw.
"Oh my, I see! Please, come in and I'll fix you right up."
Pu and Moussie eagerly walked in but Rainma stayed put. "If you don't mind, I'm gonna bolt. You can handle them just fine, right?"
"Oh, yes, of course. I haven't seen Pu and Moussie for some time so this is perfect for us to catch up. Would you like something to eat on your way back?"
"Uh, sure," Rainma replied, looking over her shoulder every few seconds. "Just make it quick, alright?"
"Sure! Be right back."
Fluttermi trotted back into the house, leaving Rainma alone on the porch. Her eyes darted back and forth and up and down, never letter her guard waiver. She knew it was out there, just waiting for her to relax so it could spring its trap. Well, the little monster wouldn't get close to her this day. Rainma Saotome never let anything get the best of her!
Hooves against wooden flooring sounded in the air, signalling Fluttermi's return. "Here you go," she offered and held out a brown bag dangling from her teeth. "Rice balls with carrot juice, just the way you like it."
"Thanks." Rainma accepted the bag in her own teeth and readied her wings for take-off.
Just then, the bag began to shake violently. Rainma started and let go of it. The moment the bag touched the porch, the opening on top burst open and a white rabbit popped out. It immediately began to wave its forelegs and stuck its tongue out.
Rainma's reaction was explosive. "AAAAAAHHHHHH! Bunny!" In a flurry of wings and feathers, the pegasus rocketed into the air as though the hounds of Tartarus were upon her.
"Now Angel, you know better than to scare poor Rainma," Fluttermi gently scolded the rabbit. "He has that terrible fear of bunnies. Leporiphobia isn't something to laugh about."
Angel couldn't respond. He was too busy laughing his ears off.
“Stupid Pops and his training,” Rainma grumbled as she pushed open the door to the Ponyville library. “First I’m getting changed back to a guy then napping the rest of the day.”
“That’s what you think.”
Rainma blinked and looked down. A purple and green baby dragon with a black and yellow spotted bandanna around his neck looked back up at her crossly.
“You’re going to apologize to Twine first, then hope she has it in her heart to forgive you,” the little dragon scolded.
“Can it, lizard breath,” Rainma shot back. “I’ll talk to her when I’m good and ready.”
“Oh yeah?!”
“Yeah!”
“I’ll make you!”
“I’d like to see you try, iguana boy!”
“Rainma! Stop picking on D-Chan!”
The arguing duo looked up to see a violet unicorn with a dark blue mane and tail step into the room. “Honestly, I have no idea why you two can’t get along.”
“He started it!” “He started it!”
“Whatever, I’m finishing it. D-Chan, could you heat up some hot water, please?”
D-Chan gazed loving up at Twine and nodded his head. “Anything for you, Twine-chan.” He turned, gave Rainma a quick raspberry, then rushed off.
Twine shook her head in exasperation. “I still don’t get why he just disappears for so long. He’s just a baby and yet he doesn’t seem to understand why he shouldn’t wander away.”
“Yeah,” Rainma drawled. “It’s almost like he’s two different ponies, ya know?”
Twine gave her fiance a cross look. “Now what’s that suppose to mean? It’s not like he has a weird curse like you.”
Rainma snorted irritably and trotted past her. “You know, for an egghead, you’re awfully thick.”
Twine whirled and screamed, “What’s that suppose to mean?!”
Before Rainma could respond, D-Chan walked into the room carrying a kettle of water. “What’s going on?”
“Nothin’ shrimp,” Rainma said and flicked out a wing. The wing caught the kettle’s handle, flipping it up into the air. The kettle arched over Rainma’s body, spilling hot water as it went. Rainma held out the other wing and caught the kettle on his wingtip before it could clatter to the floor. “Darn, I’m good.”
A slow clap sounded from the door. All heads turned to see a pink earth pony bringing her hooves together contemptuously. “Bravo, Saotome,” the pony drawled. “Bravo.”
Twine trotted over to great the new arrival. “What can we do for you, Pinki?”
“More like what I can do for you,” Pinki answered. “You see, I came across a little information that I think all of you would want to hear.”
“And there’s a price for it, isn’t there?” Twine deadpanned.
“Oh, you wound me,” Pinki mocked. “Aren’t friends suppose to trust each other and not jump to conclusions?”
Rainma stepped up to her. “I’ll give ya ten bits if you tell us and go away.”
“Sold!” Pinki shot a hoof into the air, letting loose a small red pellet that exploded into green confetti shaped as dollar signs.
Rainma rolled his eyes and flung over the bits. “Now, whaddya got?”
“Oh, just that your mother is coming,” Pinki said casually and flicked her new bits into her mane.
“WHAT?!” Rainma exclaimed.
“When?!” Twine desperately wanted to know.
“WE HAVE ARRIVED! VERILY, WHERE IS OUR SON?”
“Oh, I’d say about now.”
Rainma wasted no time and darted as fast as he could towards the kitchen. Just as he left the room, a dark blue winged unicorn stepped through the door, a wrapped package strapped to her back. The princess of the moon looked around and asked, “Pardon me, but I was told that Rainma was seen flying around?”
Twine gulped, took a quick bow and said, “Oh, Princess Lunoka, what a surprise!”
“I’m sorry for not sending word before I came, but I just so wanted to meet him before he left for one of those Wonderbolts tryouts.”
“Oh well, he’s... um... He was just here...”
“Auntie!”
Lunoka looked up and smiled as Rainma, now wet and female, galloped up to her and sporting the most cavity inducing smile upon her muzzle. The winged unicorn bent down and gave the smaller pony a gentle hug.
“Ah, my little Dashie! So good to see you again!”
“Me too!” “Dashie” gushed in the girliest voice she was capable of. She broke the hug and stepped away. “What brings you here?”
“Well, I was hoping to see my son. Is he still around?”
“Oh, I’m so sorry auntie, but he just flew out to Cloudsdale for a Wonderbolts’ practice session. You know how he is. All training and no play!”
“Indeed.” Lunoka’s ears drooped, a longing tone entering her voice. “I can’t fault him, not if he is to become a stallion among colts. Still, I do wish I could meet him soon.”
A lump formed in Rainma’s throat. Oh, she too wished she could drop this Dashie act and greet her mother as a son should. It would be the happiest moment of her life. However, one look at the package strapped to Lunoka’s back stopped her from using the rest of the hot water in the discarded kettle.
“Well, I better get going,” the princess sighed. “Night is soon upon us and my duties await back at the castle.” Lunoka turned and headed out the door. Just as she was about to fly off, she twisted her head back and gave a reassuring smile. “Please let me know when Rainma’s back. After one-thousand years, we have so much to catch up on.” With that, Lunoka took off into the darkening sky.
Rainma watched her go until she was no longer able to see her mother’s form. Sighing, she headed back indoors and past the others who watched her silently go by.
“Rainma...” Twine called hesitantly.
[Is the coast clear?]
The group jumped in shock as a giant panda popped up from behind a bookcase, holding a sign in its paw.
“POP!” Rainma bellowed and dived at the bear. “This is all your fault!”
The panda only had time to flip the sign to the other side before the fury of heaven descended upon him.
[I'm just a cute panda!]
The sound of carnage followed soon after.
