Two G's in a Pod

by Stillmatic

Rating: teen
Tags: Adventure, Human, Comedy
Length: 47151

Discord's drunken actions nab two G's from their regular lives, forcing them to live in a new world.

Discord was completely wasted, drunk beyond belief when he decided to regain his strength by causing chaos anywhere possible, just to get a little something back. Unfortunately, this caused the premature deaths of two people who truly didn't want to so much as leave their current cities of residence. The rest, as they say, is history as these two intrepid G's adventure through a new country populated by small horses, going from town to town and trying to find a way back without getting killed in some comical way.

Picture courtesy of some niggas we don't know. Fuck them. If this isn't entirely obvious, this is going to be a parody of your average Self-Insert Human in Equestria story. Please, don't take this shit seriously, it's a joke on our parts.

Collab involving both me and Lucius Seneca (We Are The Resistance is our shared account, with Redeem, Revive, Revolt as our first collab).

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-09-04 02:37:01 UTC

Prologue: Luckier Days

Two G’s in a Pod

Prologue: Luckier Days

By: Stillmatic and Lucius Seneca

Discord threw another bottle at the wall, shattering it. He hazily stepped around, barely able to hold himself up in his drunken state of delirium. It had been quite a bit of time since his second defeat and now there was nothing in harmony's way to spread its infectious self like the disgusting virus it was. His own arrogance turned out to be his downfall, preventing him from moving in time to escape that confounded rainbow that encased him in stone. While he managed to break out after all this time, all of his remaining power was used doing so, leaving him with near nothing. His escape was sloppy and nearly cost him his life in the process, but he did it. He managed to get away in time and preserve his life, for the time being, that is.

The draconequus fell into a bout of depression soon afterwards, wandering around aimlessly during the night, looking for something to sooth his pain of being bested by only a few mere ponies. During the day, he forced himself to sleep in enclosed spaces away from others, biding his time until he could find some source of relief. Chaos ignored him now, not choosing him as its master anymore. The entirety of the situation left him a husk of his former self and without purpose. Every night, he would break into the liquor stores, stealing everything he could, and hiding away until he would move onto the next town the day after.

At this moment, he wandered through an alley, his last bottle of cheap whiskey in hand. There was a brief moment where his eyes narrowed at nothing, just staring at the wall opposite, before he felt the need to down the rest of the alcohol and throw it. It crashed against the brick and shattered into thousands of tiny pieces, his eyes watching as they fell to the floor in a drunken slow-motion. He batted his eyes once before looking at the mess on the filthy alley floor. Slowly, an idea came to him.

Chaos, much like anything else, was earned by conducting activities related to it. He hadn't thought of the idea earlier, but it would make sense for it to come back to him if he proved he could cause it without its presence. Discord gauged his inner magic's level of performance and found it depressingly low. The dimness of it within him was a bitter sight, but he refrained from punching and kicking in agitation and hatred. Nothing like this had ever happened before, and it was simply infuriating to the draconequus.

There wasn't much in the form of magic inside of his body at the moment, but possibly just enough to cause the child of chaos to occur somewhere. That child happened to be bad luck, and given his affinity with it, it would only come out strong and extreme, even with his diminished power. Discord focused his mind, ready to cause some sort of menial amount of disorder. Though, he didn't know where it would occur, but merely that it was definitely going to happen to someone somewhere.

A brief smile crossed Discord's face as he calculated who it would be on the receiving end of his magic, but slowly, the alcohol made itself known again. He floated upwards, barely able to move correctly in his inebriated state of drunkenness. Gradually, he remembered what he just did and yawned loudly, stretching. Things were going to be good for him soon enough, and he'd be able to cause all the chaos he could ever dream of, if his plan worked out. The amount of disorder would eventually stack up, getting higher and higher until he was back to his old self again.

The draconequus teleported through a roof, landing comfily in an unoccupied attic. It wasn't really adequate for someone of his stature, but he coiled up regardless, doing his best to fall asleep. After all, the house may have been abandoned, but the Royal Guards were still on the lookout for him. It was a rough new life, but he was certain he could make it work in time. Only he needed was just a bit of chaos, some bad luck, and unwilling others on the receiving end.

Discord sat up, sweating profusely. It dripped off of his chest, matting his fur. There was a long silence as the nightmares he just experienced caught up with him. There was an insane vividness to them, but they couldn't possibly have been real. The sheer absurdity of what he had seen was proof of that, yet, there was some sort of uncharacteristic guilt within him. What was it he even did last night? He couldn't recall other than drinking and passing out.

Though his dream was quite realistic and remember clearly. The first involved a creature walking through what appeared to be a metropolitan street with others like it. It ended up tripping on a misplaced rock, knocking it forward as some sort of large contraption pulverized its head onto a black road, splattering everything. It was horrifically surreal, but his mind turned to the other nightmare. In it, another creature was in a machine similar to the one the first was killed by, but this metal object on wheels was far smaller and sleeker. Unfortunately, it wasn't very well shown as something jumped in its way, forcing it to swerve and ultimately flying off the side of the road, which happened to be cliff. The drop was far too high to allow anything to survive.

Discord wiped the sweat away, heaving loudly. He slowly calmed down, and assumed his nightmare was simply a trick on part of Princess Luna or some other force that was out for his skin. Eventually, the draconequus fell back asleep, forgetting his dreams as well as what he had did earlier with his magic. Tomorrow was a new day, and a fresh start, one he would repeat for more to come.

Chapter 1: Alive on Arrival

Two G’s in a Pod

Chapter 1: Alive on Arrival

By: Stillmatic and Lucius Seneca

Will awoke with a start. Blue skies and faint wisps of cloud decorated his vision, shifting as his head lolled to the side dazedly, revealing a small grouping of evergreen trees. The shocked high-schooler struggled to his feet only to find himself lodged in the scraggily collection of twigs and dead plant matter which was a shrub. Will rolled sideways, earning cuts and scratches in the process, and hit the hard ground below with a grunt.

"God dammit..."

Yellow and brown grass clutched feebly onto the fibers of Will's shirt, falling away as he struggled to his feet, head throbbing angrily and body aching. A freezing gust of wind blew across the area and, noticing a quiet bubbling, Will discovered a small stream trickling nearby, carving a path through the firm soil. Mountains could be seen in the distance, a snowy valley separating the lone human from the monuments of rock and stone.

Something was evidently wrong, but Will, drawing a blank, was unable to come up with an appropriate answer as to just what had happened. Surely he must have hit his head, but how did he end up here? Shrugging the feeling off and focusing on sheltering himself from the gusts of wind, Will ducked his head, pulling his Adidas blazer around himself, and stepped into the relative shelter of the nearby trees.

Pine needles, small bits of dead plant matter, and the smell of evergreen filled the small area. Evening light burst through the many holes and openings ahead and Will continued onward, intent on finding his way out of the predicament. The temperature was uncomfortable to say the least and the thin blazer did little to stop the elements from taking their toll on Will. He shivered and pushed through a sheaf of branches and green pine needles before stepping into the open, valley behind him.

More mountains greeted him, this time much closer than expected. Will squinted up at the silhouettes of jagged peaks and ledges, all darkened by the amber of a setting sun. The sudden thought of being stuck in a mountain range with no way out forced Will onwards, if somewhat uneasily. Patches of snow, fresh by the look of it, lay underfoot and sneakers crushed the thin layers of ice plastered over dirt.

A sudden drop forced Will to step back and he stared down at the carved angles of a quarry. It was spread out before him like an arena, paths cut into the stone to allow workers in and out. First appearances aside, Will discovered that the quarry was split into two parts, a thin canyon between the current area and the next, reminding Will of a dumbbell.

It took a few seconds, but soon the confused student was sliding down the incline and, after a flurry of dust and cold wind, Will arrived at the bottom. Blocks of stone lay about as if a giant had taken them out to play, but had forgotten to put them back, and judging by the look of the place, it hadn't been in operation for a while.

Will muttered under his breath "Well, thats great. Middle of fuckin' nowhere."

The howling of wind laughed at him and he brushed himself off before making his way past several rusted pickaxes and making the short walk into the path connecting the two quarries. Shadows danced off the chiseled walls and the wind seemed to scream in the narrow confines, causing Will to duck his head against the invisible gusts, sending his brown hair whipping around.

Soon he emerged from the impromptu wind tunnel and looked around in relief, but froze in place as his eyes drifted over the new area. A car, or what was once car, lay crumpled nearby, windows smashed and tires burst. A man appeared from the driver’s side, nursing his arm in the process.

"Don?"

There was nothing happening for a few minutes within the partially destroyed car, until someone started to stir into wakefulness. His head, while undamaged with the exception for a few cuts, lied against the steering wheel. Arms, one embedded with pieces of glass, hung limply and the encumbered legs opened until they met their respective barriers on both sides of the seat. Slowly, they closed, the arms pulled in, and the head moving back to the rest above the seat. He was now awake, but wished he hadn’t been.

The young man groaned and attempted to rub his forearm, only for it to send a shooting sting to his brain. He gasped loudly and yanked his hand away before opening his eyes to see the damage that had been beset upon him. It was obvious that he was still in his car, but the vehicle seemed to have lost all will to live with the state it was in. The windshield was completely broken in, as was every other window, and a massive dent left the front of the car a foot or two inward. The door on the right was torn off and other than the glass and other debris littering the inside, everything seemed fine.

“My car, man… just imagine what the damn insurance agent is going to say…”

The young man checked his rearview and examined what was seen. Light-brown eyes stared back at him, and above that, dirty-blonde hair that was in serious need of a comb. He flexed his eyebrows playfully before wincing at the pain stabbing at his arm. Donathen, usually Don, grabbed the seat next to him and pushed it forward, giving him the room to reach the seat divider in the back. After doing so, he leaned in and pulled open the compartment leading into the trunk, where he pulled out a first-aid kit he kept for any occasion.

‘Never thought I’d ever use this shit…’

Don pulled out tweezers and carefully began operating (as much as a medically-inept college student actually could). The Styrofoam coffee cup nearby had long been spilled of its contents, as shown by the stain nearby, but it found a new purpose as he dumped each little shard of glass within it. The task was arduous and painful, but it was eventually completed, giving him a bleeding right arm that had next to no feeling other than pain in it.

Alcohol pads ran up and down his arm, and he bit on his lip, wanting to curse loudly for everyone to hear. The rest of the process was fairly easy and he soon had it all bandaged up, stitches not being needed for such small wounds. Still, the pain was still fresh and searing, so he grabbed for whatever pain alleviator was in the kit.

Don held up a small, plastic packet, ‘… Advil..? What’s that supposed to do for me?’

The pill-pack was thrown over his shoulder in disappointment, forcing him to reach a hand to the glove compartment and unlock it. Several “items” fell out, but he only took a small prescription bottle full of round, white pills. Most of the items weren’t even his, but the real owner wouldn’t mind him borrowing anything. Don chuckled to himself, swallowed a pill, pocketed the bottle, and stuffed the rest of the items back in the compartment. His left hand ran over his other arm, losing himself in the thought of what had happened until he heard a familiar voice.

“Don?”

Don lifted his head abruptly and stared at the man a few meters away, "The hell? Who is you?"

Will spoke, shielding his eyes from the setting sun, "It's Will, man."

"How the hell did you get here? You stalking me? Get out of here, stalker."

"I barely even played that game. How the fuck did you get your car all the way down here?"

Don attempted to open the door, only for it to fall off its hinges and crash to the floor. He twisted his body and let his legs out of the car, "I don't even know. Man, this is going to make my insurance a serious pain in the ass."

Will stepped around the obliterated hood and offered his hand to the bleeding Don, "Dude, your arm is fucked, your car is fucked."

"Eh, for serious? Could've fooled me. I better get rid of some of the shit in here before I call those bloodsuckers."

There was a brief laugh from Will, "Always with the sarcasm." There was a pause as he glanced about, "Ain't no fuckin' service out here."

"Hey," Don said as he was helped up by his friend, "get anything suspicious that you see in the glove and stick it in a bag or something, ight? I gotta check the damage at the trunk and get rid of some stuff." He then began to walk around, leaving Will to his business.

Will nodded and waved absently before seating himself in the car. Bits of broken glass dug into him and he cursed, wiping the seat off before reaching over to the glovebox and popping it open.

"Fuck, man. Contraband all over the fucking place."

Marijuana, pills, and a .38 snub nose lay scattered inside the small space and Will removed the small six-shooter gently, setting it down on his thigh. Out came the baggy of weed and pill bottle next and Will, looking around for a container of some sort, called out to Don.

"Yo! You got a bag or some shit back there? I got nothing up here."

Don lifted his head from the trunk, hitting his head in the process, "FUCK!" He rubbed it tenderly and tossed Will a black plastic bag, "Yeah, knock yourself out."

Catching the bag was easy enough and Will dumped the items into it, cursing as the occasional shard of glass bit into him.

"Fucking glass."

The aforementioned material cracked underfoot as Will stepped out of what had once been a coupe, wrapping the bag tightly in the process. His eyes traveled along the ridges of the quarry, finding nothing but dust and tumbleweeds.

His voice seemed quiet in the vast expanse of rock and dust, "Don, where the hell could we be?"

Heading back to the trunk, the person in question began to sort out all of the items there were. Nothing that could get him in trouble was around, thankfully, and only his emergency supplies were scattered about. Despite being for emergencies, there were quite a few boxes lying about, each with different things he assumed he'd need in any given situation. Some clothing, canned food (he despised that stuff), water, medical supplies, and a few basic tools in case he needed them. Taking note of everything, he finally pulled out what he just noticed.

"Huh. Maybe I can..."

Don accidentally launched a flare into the sky, startling both of them and making a loud bang.

"Not sure," he said, rubbing his ears, "but someone's bound to find us. Hell, I'm surprised you're even anywhere near me right now."

Will jumped, "Jesus!" He watched as the flare crested into the sky, "Well, that oughta attract attention."

"Hell yeah. Now, stash that stuff somewhere."

Will waved his hand again, "Yeah, yeah." He slipped the bag under his jacket and lodged it between his belt and stomach "That'll do for now." He shifted, "Damn uncomfortable though."

Don rummaged further for a bit longer and gave up, finding nothing that could incriminate him of a crime. Lucky for him. He put away the flare gun and took out his Blackberry, checking for service.

"Nothing. We're going to die."

"Great. What now?"

"Wait and die?"

Will laughed, "Always the optimist. We could start by climbing out of this hole."

"Yeah, I guess we should. Better grab some stuff and find the closest town." He stopped and thought for a moment, "Hey, aren't you supposed to be a few hundred miles north of here?"

"Very funny." Will looked over the supplies "We can't carry all of this shit. We don't even know where the nearest town is. The fuck are we doing here anyway?"

"Beats me." Don grabbed his backpack and dumped the contents back into the trunk. He grabbed a book that fell out, opened to a random page, and began reading, "Despite differences, both state and federal courts are more apt to manage the pretrial discovery and settlement process more proactively. Althou-" He threw it back into the backpack, "Fuck that."

Will watched the book vanish into the bag, "Hey man, you wanted to take the summer courses."

"God, what a pain in the ass..." Don grabbed some canned food, water, and other things he would need for the walk. He reached into the clothing box and grabbed a thick jacket, "You cold?"

"Yeah. Goddam Cameroonian jackets."

The older man laughed, "Oh hell yeah, DipSet!" Don threw him a jacket and procured one for himself. "Don't worry," Don pulled out an industrial flashlight from the trunk, "we're good, I think."

A beam of yellow light shot from the flashlight, blinding Will, "Get that shit outta my face."

Don aimed it away and towards the edge of the quarry, "Let's go, then?"

Another gust of freezing wind swept the quarry and Will nodded, "Lead the way."

They began walking along the dirt, "So, how'd you end up in what I'm hoping is Jersey?"

Will looked surprised, "Jersey? I'm hoping Alberta." The beam of the flashlight broke over the rocks as Will fought to remember, "I don't really know. Shit is really fucked right now."

"I think I'm starting to rememb-" His face turned sour, "Well fuck."

"Well, this great. I wake up in a bush with no memory and we might as well be in the goddam Zone." Slight nervousness was beginning to creep into Will's voice.

"I'm more pissed with how I ended up here." Don muttered, "Let's see... Party, bathroom, weave, cleaning, my boy telling me to do something... Then I was driving to stop my other boy from dying in a drunken crash... What else..? Ah. I'm pretty sure I got merced by a truck after some jackass nearly hit me."

"Weave? I know nothing of it." Will shoved his hands into his pocket and began to climb the nearest path, "Well, I suppose it doesn't really matter in the end. We're the victims, we didn't do shit, right? People will be pumped to see us alive and well."

"Except for the guy that nearly killed me. His ass is going to get sued to hell and back once I get my hands on him." Don began scaling the edge of the quarry, "Seriously, what the fuck was that? Who hits a nigga like that? I wouldn't."

Will, climbing the incline with his friend, laughed, "What if he was driving to save his boy from dying in a drunken crash?"

He snorted in response, "Screw him, I'm more important than any friend of his. More important than his mom."

"Hey man, don't bring his mother into this." Will added with mirth as he reached the top of the quarry, reaching back to help the injured Don, "How's the arm?"

"Hurts. Probably shouldn't be doing this, but I'm half-invincible, so yeah, I'm really fucking cool and it doesn't hurt. Still hurts, though."

Will nodded, most of his attention on the forest ahead of them. The duo had climbed the side opposite to where Will had come from. Suddenly, a thought struck the younger man, "Hey, if you got hit by a truck, where’s the damn road?"

"Huh. Didn't think about that. Maybe we've entered through a tear in the Noosphere and ended up somewhere else."

"Damn. If only. That'd be a badass part to add to this already badass story." Will pointed at the forest, "Should we go in there or..." His finger swept sideways and towards a grassier area, leading up to the mountains, "...there?"

"I'm not climbing a mountain with a cut up arm. Let's check the forest and see if there's anything on the other side." Don looked deeper into the forest and directed his light into it, "Agreed?"

Creepy branches and trunks looked back at the two and Will nodded hesitantly "Alright. If we get lost in there though, it won't be a fun time for either of us."

"Don't worry," Don puffed his chest, "I'll defend you from any rapists."

"Fuck off. Rapists in a forest, real likely."

Don began walking, "Well, enjoy meeting them as I walk away and become a hero on the news for surviving such a tragic accident."

Will followed, "And lose your piff? I hardly think so. Besides, we both know that they'd go for you first."

"With this incredibly sexy body? Highly likely. But!" He stopped and turned now that they were in the thick of the forest, "I still got this to defend myself!" Don pulled out the flaregun from his backpack and began fiddling with it, "How the- What the fuck do you-"

Something reached Will's ears and he put a hand against Don's chest "Quiet man! You fucking hear that?"

Don fell silent and the two listened as the sound of growling grew progressively louder. Will's face drained of color and Don scrabbled with the flashlight, sending scattered beams of light around the forest.

"Fuck man, fuck!" Will's voice came in hissed whispers as he spun around in search of where the noise was originating from.

Don calmed down and shrugged, "It's probably a dog, dawg! Now shut up and let me work this shi-"

A flare was suddenly launched from the gun and flew through a bush. A massive fire was ignited as some type of creature roared and screamed in agony as it was lit up like an oil barrel. It thrashed around, trying to find something to put out the fire that caused it so much pain and misery, but it found no such thing. In only a few moments, as both of them watched, it fell to the floor in a black heap of burnt fur and meat.

Don looked at the flaregun, "... Huh. So that's how it works..."

Will gripped both sides of his head, "Sweet fuckin' Jesus! You just iced a fucking bear or some shit!"

“Oh no…” Don motioned to further into the forest, “Park cops! Going to catch and jail us for this shit!”

"Ain't no fuckin' park authorities here! Oh shit, oh shit!"

"Let's leave! Now!"

So they ran off, getting away from the charred body of the creature they accidentally set on fire. And the world kept turning.

Chapter 2: Nightly Escapades

Two G’s in a Pod

Chapter 2: Nightly Escapades

By: Stillmatic and Lucius Seneca

Don and Will sprinted through the forest, smashing into branches and tripping over roots constantly, the very thought of park police pursuing them causing them to run faster. Will dodged around a tree, only to catch a low-lying branch on the bridge of his nose.

"FUCK!"

He stumbled to his feet, blood coursing from his now bruised and aching nose. Don laughed hysterically at the scene and promptly tripped over a rock, sending him tumbling down a small dip in the forest floor and into a creek of sorts. Will, not seeing Don vanish from sight, quickly had his sneaker catch on a gnarled root and soon he too was soaking wet, lying face down in the glacial water. The two climbed to their feet, neither in very good shape, and climbed the opposing bank before continuing their stumbling run through the darkness of the forest, flashlight dropped somewhere behind them.

Eventually the two gasping men slowed and came to a stop. Will slid down the trunk of a nearby tree and hung his head, "Fuck...this...shit..."

Don leaned against a tree, "The fucks up with your breathing? Asthma?" Will nodded, "Sucks."

It took a few minutes, but they eventually managed to regain their breath and calm down enough to breathe regularly. Will stood up, nearly falling in the process, and leaned against the tree as well. His companion looked around for anything, specifically his flashlight, but found nothing of interest.

"Shit," Don cursed, "We have no way of finding a way through." He pulled out his Blackberry and turned on its light, "Other than this, I guess."

Will sighed tiredly and looked around, "Where to? I can't even remember where we came from."

"Let's see..." Don aimed the semi-bright light at the ground, looking for their trail. He pointed to the left, "We came from that way, so let's go opposite then?"

Will waved his hand in a circular motion "We...could be..." he took a deep breath "...going in fucking circles and not know it."

"Let's keep going, because no forest goes on forever." Don stopped and thought about that, "Well... actually, if you're in the Red Forest and you- Nevermind. Let's just get the hell up outta here."

The twosome continued walking opposite from where they assumed they came until very faint lights could be seen just past the tree line in front of them.

Don squinted, "You see that?"

Walking faster despite his asthma, Will nodded "Yeah. Might just be some wack hallucination though."

The other man kept up, "How the hell can it be a hallucination if I see it too? How does that even make sense?"

"You ever see that movie Kangaroo Jack?"

"Yeah, but we don't have some goddamn ostritch or emo or emu or whatever jumping around and doing backflips all over the place this time." Don commented, "Besides, I think only ONE of us is high right now."

Will shook his head, "Man, that white guy thought he was in an SUV in the desert, sipping on some ice cold beverage."

Don scoffed, "Because he was a filthy cracker is why! Always dreaming of getting into their cars and sipping all sorts of fine shit.

Not bothering to argue the subject any longer, the duo broke past the tree line, breathing a sigh of relief in the process. Will narrowed his eyes at the lights which seemed to flicker and glow "What is that shit man? I can't see anything."

Don held up his phone, "Not much for me either... except for that big ass light over there!"

He pointed to the bottom of the valley in front of them, where a massive lamp-like object towered over a town of sorts, illuminating the nearby area in a non-intrusive fashion. They both stared in awe at the sheer size of it and wondered why anyone would even want such a tacky thing in their town. That is, until they snapped out of it and looked at each other.

"You wanna go check that place out?" Don asked, "I'm still not getting reception, we don't have much of a choice and this snow doesn't really make for good sleeping grounds." Will nodded, "Alright then... Ladies first, bitch!"

Don forcefully shoved Will with his good arm, sending him onto the ground and down the snowy slope.

"You motherfu-" Will was probably cut off as he reached back and grabbed Don's ankle, sending them both into oblivion.

Don, in the split second before Will's fat ass dragged him down the slope, grimaced and yelped, "FUCK!"

He fell on his ass as Will dragged him down with him, sliding down the snow and rushing past multiple evergreens. Will was launched off of a small bank, sending him airborne. He slammed down onto Don as they screamed out in fear for their lives. The older man then grunted as he  shoved his younger counterpart off and barely avoided a tree and an untimely death. A look of relief washed over Will's face as they eventually hit the bottom, coming to a stop and feeling cold once again.

Don stood up, "Huh. That went better than I thought. Thanks for dragging me down, you jackass."

Will wiped the slush from his face, "Fuck you, man. Look at this shit!" He gestured to the slush covering both of them "Fuckin' freezing! This is how hypothermia kills people."

Don just laughed at Will's angry tirade and they stood up, wiping the brown slush off their already soaked clothes. Neither cared much for their appearance any longer. Will's fairly long brown hair was twisted and matted with pine needles sticking out in some spots. Where his nose had connected with the branch, the skin had split and dried blood covered his face, mixing with slush and water, giving him the look of a man who had a good story to tell over a few beers.

Don fared slightly worse, arm still bleeding from the cuts. It was obvious the running and falling hadn't helped much. His dirty blonde hair was soaked, courtesy of melting snow and the previous stream. Their clothing was stained and soaked thoroughly, but neither seemed too bothered by the cold, perhaps from the adrenaline brought on by the running and sliding. Up ahead the town could be seen and the men limped towards it.

Will searched his pocket, finding his phone's touchscreen to be shattered. He pressed on the power button, sighed when nothing lit up, then tossed it aside in resignation, figuring it to be beyond repair. How Don's Blackberry had survived remained unknown, but Will was more focused on his aching ankle.

He looked over at Don and laughed suddenly, "You look like shit!"

Don shoved Will, "You're one to talk, ya ugly ass nigga." He gave a quick look to the town, "Shall we?"

"After you, sir."

"Bah," was all Don could reply with.

Both men began treading towards the nearby town, taking in its sights and overall design. The houses seems to be made of grey cobblestone or normal stone for the most part, which an exception of a log cabin every now and again. Smoke billowed out of various chimneys and all the stall were closed for the night. Grimy snow and slush cluttered the streets, which also seemed to be made of stone as opposed to black-top. They stopped at a two-story house made of a mix of timber and stone, nicely made and well-kept. Don squinted at the sign above the door and examined it, trying to understand the language.

"What... the fuck is that? I see some... Cyrillic? This is fucking Eastern Europe? We're fucking dead." He kept looking, "But what's that other shit? I've never seen that type of script before."

Will ran a hand down his neck as he looked at the sign "That's Greek, I think. Never seen the letters elongated like that before. Reminds me of calligraphy."

"Ew. I don't think you should be using the internet for that, you nasty ass son of a bitch."

"Hardy-fucking-har. It says 'to Stay'."

Don chuckled and pulled out his phone, "Gimme a minute, let me get down the phonetics here..." He then proceeded to decipher to the best of his ability, coming to one messed-up word, "Sss... Soom? Some? Wer... Were? Where?" He put two and two together to receive, "Somewhere? Somewhere To Stay?"

"That's really redundant." Will muttered.

"I was hoping the Cyrillic would say something like 'AAHH NOO CHEEKI BREEKI IV DAMKE!' Suppose we aren't lucky enough for that. What now?"

Will shrugged. "It sounds like a hotel or some shit." He looked at Don, "I don't have any money though."

Don smirked, "As Biggie Smalls once said, 'Who got your back? Who got the gat?' Don't worry," he pulled out a black leather wallet, "I got some ducats on me. Just don't expect to share a bed with me. If anything, you're going to sleep on the floor."

"Yeah, yeah. I'll have to pay you back." Something jabbed into Will's stomach and he grunted "Take your damn contraband. This shit is really fuckin' uncomfortable."

Don grabbed the bag of items and stuffed it into his backpack, "Baby. Come on, you first. I'd rather not attract too much attention in my current state."

Throwing his hands up in another bout of resignation, Will pushed open the door, ducked his head under the strangely small doorway, and entered the heated lobby of the small inn. A fire burned with quiet crackles nearby and a desk, built into the stone wall, faced the dancing flames. Will, still not looking anywhere near reputable, glanced around for the man or woman who should have been manning the desk.

His eyes froze on the small figure in the middle of the room. It would have looked like a miniature horse except for the fact that a horn sprouted from its forehead. There was a light swishing as the... thing swept the floor with a broom, with its back turned to the visitors. Will pulled back his head and whispered to Don who was just entering.

"What the fuck..."

Don's face contorted into disgust, "Who let a goddamn animal into a place like this? This is where people supposedly sleep!"

The thing whirled, a faint light glowing around the horn. Will backed up in response, seeing both anger and surprise on the grey animal's face.

"Let's fucking go man! That ain't no normal animal!" Will's voice had turned into a tremulous hiss.

Don halted him, "WAIT! There has to be something up here! Some nigga is manning the station and we're about to get at 'em and get a damn room!" He stomped his right Adidas on the floor, eliciting a wince from the animal nearby, "I'm fucking wet, I'm tired, I'm bleeding, and I'm hungry as hell right now! And in case you didn't notice," he added, "we got nowhere to go for god's sake!"

Will opened his mouth to reply, but another voice cut him off, "Just who the heck are you two?" Both men froze and looked over at the horse in front of them. Their eyes widened at the sight of its lips moving, forming the words they heard. "Actually, what are you? Why are you in my establishment?!"

Will looked back at Don, "Did it...Did it just...?"

Don's face fell and a distraught look crossed it, "... Dear god, I hope I'm hallucinating off those two percs I took..."

"I have no words,” replied Will, his face ashen.

"Oh," Don whispered back, "I was hoping you had some sort of idea of why this thing just ta-"

"What are you two? Never seen the likes of you before."

They looked at each other, yelled in fear, and bolted out the door, letting it slam loudly and echo across the block. Without any hesitation, both kept running until another horse thing appeared nearby, strolling in a care-free manner across the street.

"Good god, what's coming to the world?!" The older man muttered loudly.

The horse turned to them and backed up in a mix of shock and curiosity, "Sweet Celestia... Are you two those Diamond Dogs who were temping?"

Will shrieked, "The horror! The horror!"

They backed up while the stallion gained back his confidence and started walking towards them nonchalantly, "You know, it's really great you guys are so willing to help us out now and again. We may be able to locate those gems, but geez, you guys can dig through stone like nopony's business!"

Don poked his companion and spoke in a hurried whisper, "Let's dip! Now!"

Will made random gestures with his hands towards the stallion "Jewels! Y- yeah, that's what we're doing!"

Before the stallion could reply, the two men had already left, sprinting down the lit street, one hobbling from an injured ankle and the other cradling his arm. Will gasped for breath, mind racing as his legs pumped.

Will gasped for breath, mind racing as his legs pumped in an uncoordinated manner. Don ran next to him, eyes wide and hair flung back as the duo made for the forest and valley once again, unable to understand just what they had gotten themselves into this time. They ignored a mare trotted past them, calling out with a hoof to her mouth.

"Great work yesterday! We really owe you guys!"

Don waved in a dismissive manner, probably not even hearing what the pony had said. Will clutched his face as his mouth hung upon, "We're tripping acid, we're tripping acid!"

Don shook his head frantically, "I didn't take any!"

"Me neither!"

Will tripped on a piece of debris and was sent hurling forward and into the back of a cart, his weight knocking the rudimentary transportation from the blocks which kept it from rolling down the incline of the cobblestone street. It rolled forward and Will let out a flurry of curses as Don also threw himself into the wooden vehicle, perhaps thinking Will had formulated a plan to escape from the nightmare quicker.

The wheels spun faster as the additional weight sent it speeding down the hill. Will yelled loudly, "Jesus! Take the wheel!"

Don's legs hung out the back of the open wagon and he pulled them in desperately as the wagon gained speed, smashing through barrels and other miscellaneous objects on the sidewalks. The cobblestones underneath the wagon clicked as the wagon rolled over them, sounding like someone had set off a string of firecrackers beneath the two men.

Will gripped the front of the wagon and peered over and down the steep street "We went the wrong way!"

"Well, FUCK!"

Don's yell was mixed in with the shouting and calling as more and more residents piled out from their houses, intent on finding what had awoken them from their early slumbering. They watched as the two humans sped past, no more than a blur of wooden planks and wild hair. Will, still gripping the wagon, watched as the street dipped and rose, become bumpier and hazardous. Don managed to get into a sitting position and joined Will at the front just in time to see the street dip and rise once more, creating a cobblestone ramp of sorts. Will let out a gasp alongside his companion, who looked fairly frightened.

They cried out in unison, "OH, SHIT!"

The wagon was flung into the air as it hit the ramp. Both men clutched feebly to the wooden planks, but Will, not able to hold on, was launched from the wagon and flung away from Don who looked on in amazement and horror as Will cruised through the night sky in slow motion. The airborne high-schooler waved his arms and legs as weightlessness set in, but before he could appreciate the feeling, he slammed into a rooftop, toppled over the apex of the thatch roofing, and slid off the other side, landing with a loud thud several feet below.

Don, mind still operating in slow motion, turned his head away from the scene and watched as the wagon collided with the ground, splintering and hurling him forward like a ragdoll. Bits of wood, wheels, and nails flew by as Don was sent skidding across the slushy street, slamming hard into the side of a wall, allowing a large chunk of icy snow to slid from the roof above him and onto his body. He looked up in wonderment as the chunk of hard-packed snow struck him in the face and torso.

Will groaned in agony as he grasped onto a window sill for support, lifting himself just barely off the ground. He fell down and rolled over, gasping in pain as he crawled over to Don, who stopped moving a few moments ago. Will shook his friend into wakefulness after a few nudges and both winced from the pain. Don grasped at his head, feeling unwelcome warmth dripping down and dying the snow crimson.

"... Ouch..." was all he managed before slumping against the nearest object, that being a barrel.

Will prodded him again, "The pills man..."

Don shoved his hand into his right pocket and snatched out the bottle in question, unscrewing it and giving two to Will, and the same for himself.

He held them up, "Cheers."

"Cheers..." Will muttered.

They both downed the pills and waited for the effects to kick in. Several horses came by, watching in curiosity as both men set down against a stone house, waiting for pain alleviation. A horse with a faintly purple mane and a silvery coat that, surprisingly enough, shined in the light of the streets, stepped up to the two men and cocked her head to the side. They looked back at her in slight aggravation and sat there, unmoving but writhing in pain.

Don, as far as he could tell in his state, assumed there was a large cut on his head, and judging by the enormous pain he received with every breath, concluded a rib or two had been broken by the heavy snow chunk. Will's shoulder popped out in a less-than-likable fashion while his ankle throbbed and swelled rapidly.

The unicorn finally spoke, "Uh... What are you two?"

Neither responded, but the stallion from earlier did, "Oh, I was speaking to them just a minute ago. They're the temps."

She gave him a look, "Them? The temps? Are you sure about that?"

Don snorted, "Fuck it, let's get outta here now."

Will nodded, "Right."

Don stood up shakily rested against the building for a moment before grabbing onto Will's hands and pulling him up as well. The horses watched as their teamwork furthered, with Don slinging Will's arm over his shoulder to remove the weight off of his sprained ankle. They both bit their lips as aching pangs ran through their respective wounds. Slowly, both men moved away from the small crowd, with the female from earlier following closely. The other horses seemed to dissipate and head back into their homes.

They looked back at her and Will spoke up, "What?"

Don gave him a look, "Don't talk to the hallucination, that’s the first step to mental disease... I think."

The unicorn frowned, "You two can't keep walking around like that all night. You have to treat those, you know. Even Diamond Dogs can't heal that quick."

"Diamond Dogs..." Will muttered.

"I wish we'd just find a god damn hospital or some shit. Hell, I bet we could fix this shit ourselves. Well, maybe not the broken rib, but you know what I mean."

"Do you, uh..." She stopped, looking for the right word, "'Guys' want me to take you to the clinic? It's not far."

Will leaned heavily against Don "You talk to it. I don't want any goddam mental disease."

Feeling exhaustion set in even deeper despite the drugs, Don nodded tiredly "Yeah, a clinic sounds damn good right about now."

The unicorn smiled somewhat awkwardly "Well, it’s just down the hill which is lucky for you two."

"Diamond Dogs..." Will muttered under his breath once again.

"I'm Mica, the leading geologist here." replied the unicorn as she began to walk, leading the limping humans as fast as she could given their current state.

In fact, if it hadn't been for the percs, neither men would be going anywhere, let alone walking. Will, asthma still present, replied to the introduction with a leaden tone.

"Will... I’m Will and this is-"

"Don."

Mica smiled happily, aiding the two men as they walked slowly down the cobblestone streets and towards what appeared to be the clinic. It was a squat building, able to accommodate a small number of patients at any given time. A shingled roof and stone walls gave the building a less-than-cheery appearance, but neither Don nor Will cared much, far too concerned about their injuries. Mica appeared to be talking, but Will wasn't concentrating very hard on her and remained focused on the clinic mere feet away.

Don wasn't much different, stumbling along as he aided the gimped Will. Neither had been able to grasp the sudden events with much clarity and the events remained muddled. Just where were they? Why were animals talking? These were but a few of many questions which tumbled through the duos brains.

Chapter 3: Where the Miners Roam

Two G’s in a Pod

Chapter 3: Where the Miners Roam

By: Stillmatic and Lucius Seneca

The dastardly duo were lying down for almost an hour, waiting for some kind of doctor to come in and assist them. Yet, no one came. Mica was sitting nearby, reading a magazine on gemstones while they checked their own wounds. Then, the door opened, revealing a green unicorn stallion with a serpent rod tattoo on its flank. It pulled a clipboard to its face, sighed, rolled its eyes, and glared at the two.

"Alright, you bozos, what the hell happened to your dumbflanks?" Will flipped him off while Don proceeded to laugh, "Dirty Dogs... Come on, tell me what's wrong so I can get to boning my wife already."

Will grinned, a bit high of the painkillers, "Already beat you to it!"

"Oh snap!" Don and him high-fived. "Gotcha!"

The doctor went deadpan, "Funny. Now hurry your flanks up and spit it out."

Don pointed to his chest, "Gotta few broken thingies there and a cut up on my head too."

"Sprained ankle and dislocated shoulder," Will mentioned, tenderly touching the area.

"Blah, blah, blah, just shut up and let me do my job already. Sit back, don't say a thing, and if it hurts, who cares?"

The doctor's horn lit and he began working on them.

Will groaned loudly as he came to. His entire body seemed to throb angrily at the fact that he had awakened. It was painfully obvious that the painkillers had worn off and Will, feeling as if a car had hit him, sat up, rubbing at his aching shoulder. He pushed the sheets off his body, feeling far too warm for his own liking and proceeded to look around, spotting Don several feet away, sitting up in bed and flicking cotton balls towards a nearby basin with a tongue depressor.

The cotton swabs, being fairly light, usually flew off track and landed on the floor, but the occasional one was sent hurtling into the basin without a sound. Will watched, still dressed in his clothes from the night before. He looked a state, greasy hair, crumpled clothing, and a general look of homelessness haunted his complexion.

His tongue seemed to work far more slow than it usually did "Dude...I am so fuckin' pooched."

Don paused in his game and looked over with a confused expression "That word..." He shook his head "...sounds so fucking weird."

Don looked in bad shape and he fought to scratch at the stitches in his forehead, distracted by the pony they had met, Mica, as she walked in the door, her face dirty and smudged.

"Hey! How's everypony feeling?"

The two humans looked at her "Shitty."

Will looked at her "Everypony? You mean everybody?"

Mica shook her head "Nope, I mean everypony. Never heard of 'everybody'."

"Where the hell are we?" Don cut in, no longer amused by his cotton swab game.

"Somewhere!" Mica replied happily, suggesting that she had had a good day.

Will scrunched his face up "We know that, but where exactly?"

Mica laughed, taking a seat by the door "You're in Somewhere! That's what the town is called!"

Don lay back on his pillows "Somewhere..." He took in Mica's appearance "And where have you been? Playing in a damn muddle puddle I bet."

"For your information, I was busy with the other miners! We found a huge cache of coal!"

"Coal! Oh, how amazing!" Will said with sarcasm dripping from his tongue.

Don started throwing used syringes into the basin while wearing gloves, "Yeah, coal is some serious shit. Back in my day, we'd work sixteen- No! Twenty hour work days just to mine coal and get a nickel. We had it good back then."

Mica's face brightened even more as she gasped loudly, "REALLY? You used to mine coal too?"

He coughed in response, "It's the Black Lung... I got it from too much smoke..."

Will turned his head away, covering his snickers "He was quite the demolition expert too. Hailed by his subordinates!"

"Aye. They called me Tavish. Tavish DeGroot. I lost meh eye hunting the Loch Ness Hamster."

Now doubled over with laughter, Will clutched his aching shoulder as he chuckled loudly, ignoring Mica's cold stare "Very funny you two. Now, just who are you guys?"

Don threw a syringe past Will's head, "I'm the superior gangster of all time, Don. This nigga is Willard Esquire Ted the third. Twice removed, of course. We're pretty important."

"Very important indeed." Willard added, hurling a pillow towards Don.

Don caught it and dropped several syringes, which nearly hit his crotch, "Huh. Anyway, where the fuck is this Somewhere place, anyway?"

Mica regained her burst of happiness at the name of her home town, "It's in the Great North, duh! Stalliongrad's to the East of here, and Dodge Junction is somewhere to the Mild West. That's about all there is for a while, really."

Will leaned back into the pillows and folded his hands together "So, Don, looks you were right. Eastern Europe! Goddam, nigga! This is some royally fucked up shit."

Mica shook her head "No, no! STALLION-GRAD! Not 'Stalingrad'!"

"You have your names mixed up, buddy." Will retorted

"Wait, wait, wait! How the fuck did she know what Stalingrad is if we aren't where we think we used to be are and is when we are were then before but not now? Huh?"

"Everything you said made no fucking sense to me. Paradox?"

"What? No, I left them back in the car with the other clothes. I didn't think I'd need them."

Shaking his head with a loud sigh, Will returned to Mica, "So, what's the damage? How much do we owe that asshole doctor?"

Mica's mood turned slightly negative, "Well... maybe a couple hundred bits? He overcharges a lot towards Dogs and anyone who isn't a unicorn."

Don patted his back pocket, "Does he take credit card? What about flare guns?"

Will pointed at Don "You keep that goddam flare gun. Saved our lives. And speaking of guns..." He turned his attention back to Mica "Where'd all our stuff go? We need it back."

The unicorn shrugged, "Eh."

Don's brow furrowed, "Oy vey. I need that backpack, ya know. That has some high-profile stuff in there." He threw another syringe at a medical poster of a pony's intestinal tract, "Ugh... Fucking hungry..."

Mica smiled "We have a small cafeteria, if you two are up to a walk, that is."

"You got showers too? I need a shower." Will cut in, running a hand through his tangled hair.

"You betcha!"

Will looked over at Don "You down?"

"I want a damn cheeseburger. Or maybe a finely seasoned steak, well-done, with some mashed potatoes and fried asparagus on the side." He shrugged, "Yeah, why not? Hope they take bills though."

Getting off the cot proved slightly more difficult than anticipated and Will, aided by Mica, climbed down, ankle burning with dulled pain. Don joined the two, holding his side tenderly. Breathing wasn't too much of a struggle anymore, but it still sent irregular jolts of pain up Don's abdomen on occasion. The ragtag trio slowly made their way through several halls, watched by other patients with wide eyes. Eventually, the identifiable doors of a cafeteria could be seen and they pushed through them.

It would be pure ignorance to say that such an amazing entrance didn't gather the attention of everyone in the room, who suddenly looked at the group in interest. Mica led them to the food line, where they waited for only a minute. She seemed to order some oddities while the two humans were left confused as to what to get, let alone what was even edible.

Don looked at the food displayed in front of him, "Yeeeah... I'll take a small pizza, jalapeño peppers on there."

The lunchmare behind the glass divider immediately produced it without hesitation, "Hah! Not many get that kinda food! That'll be five bits."

He patted his pockets and grabbed something, holding a paperclip mysteriously, "Oooohhooo! I'll trade you this mystical trinket for the pizza!"

She smirked, "That's a darn paperclip, ya fool. But seein' as though yer' funny, I'll let this one slide. On the house!"

"You're a G, you know that?"

"Well, that's what I'm called Gemera, after all. Go on, now, get on outta here. And keep yerself outta trouble, ya hear?"

Don waved as he met Mica by the end of line, "Word, I'll try. Keep it trilla."

Will limped forward, pointing at the pizza "I'll have the same, minus the jalapeños. Never been a big spice fan anyway.

Gemera looked quizzically at the new human, "And how are ya gonna pay?"

Hands waving around mystically, Will smiled "Watch." He formed two circles with his index and thumb fingers "Two circles, see?"

Gemera nodded, fixated on the fingers, digits which she was completely unfamiliar with. Will reached behind his head, whispered some broken latin under his tongue, and brought his hands back into sight, showing that both the circles were now connected. Gemera looked impressed and served the magician his food, all the while Will attempted not to laugh at the scam.

He moved towards Mica and Don who were sitting nearby and pulled up a chair, seating himself tiredly "So what's the dealio? What the fuck happened to us, bro?"

Don grabbed some hot sauce and red-pepper, throwing them onto his pizza as well, "I'll tell you what happened. We got to the Zone. Now we're going to avoid the Military, try not to get raped by female bloodsuckers, and find enough loot to buy us a flight back home. Sound good?"

Will nodded and spoke past a mouthful of dough and cheese "Do those things actually rape you? I thought they were blind or something."

"Nah, the dogs are blind, the bloodsuckers'll take for a ride though... Eugh..."

Mica gave them looks before taking a bit out of a hay-cake, "What on Earth are you two talking about?"

"Real shit. Some really real shit." Will replied with a half-grin.

Don leaned back in his seat and stared off into space, "I remember my first time with a bloodsucker... Clever bastard was all like 'roar', and I was like 'pew-pew.'" He sighed, "Good times..."

Mica shook her head "You are outta your minds. Anyway, you'll probably have to work to pay off your bills." She looked at Don, "Paperclips aren't gonna cut it."

"Shit. I still have my masculine charm and stellar looks. What'll that get me?"

"Probably a stallion in bed, if you're lucky," she responded.

"Uh... how about no?"

The unicorn shrugged, "Suit yourself, but you're going to need jobs."

"Ugh. What a pain in the ass." Will muttered, pushing the pizza crust around with his finger "Nobody'll hire us though."

"I'm sure some guy'll pay for a night with you, bro. You know, a blind one who has no feeling in his body," Don retorted.

Mica spoke up, "I could try getting you two jobs, ya know."

Will pointed at Don, "Zip your fucking lid." He turned to Mica, "Yeah? Where?"

"Mad."

The unicorn ignored the older human and grinned, "At the Mine of course! Where else would Diamond Dogs work? I mean, you guys are literally the BEST when it comes to digging gems and coal out, right? Plus, it'll only take a week or two's pay to get the debt settled."

“Diamond Dogs. Yes, we are the dogs." Will rolled his eyes, but paused after a moment, "Well, since we are the best and all that, how much is the pay again?”

Mica beamed a smile at the question, "Eighteen bits an hour! You'll be able to pay off those four hundred bits each in no time!"

Don nodded "Alright. When do we start?"

"Well, I can ya workin' today if you want! There's ATLEAST five or six hours’ worth of work left in the day, and it'll only take you one to teach you the basics. But you two don't need that right? You're Diamond Dogs, you already know this stuff."

Don smirked, "We need a refresher course. We aren't like other Dawgs, we need to use tools and all that other good shit to be productive. We're more evolved and shit."

Head clasped in resignation, Will groaned "Yes, let’s go enjoy a six hour shift in the caves with sweaty dogs and fuckin' heavy pickaxes." He directed his voice towards Mica "I can't be doing much heavy work, my ankle is fucked up like a motherfucker."

Don began using a plastic knife to flick rolled up balls of napkin at unsuspecting ponies nearby, "I'm good as long as I don't need to bend all that much. Or if I get some painkillers. Whichever's first, man."

Will chuckled "Where dat piff at? I could use a joint or two."

The other man smiled and shrugged, "Wherever my backpack is. Gotta find tha-" He looked down and grabbed something, lifting it up, "Oh. Here it is."

"Lady Luck is a sneaky bitch." said Will with a laugh, standing up, "Well, show us to the showers and we'll get ready for some high class mining."

Don stopped him there, "Wait, why would we shower just to get all smelly and dirty? We might as well get that shit over with, then shower."

Will nodded understandingly "Kill two birds with one stone. I dig, I dig."

Mica stood up, "Ready, then? I'll show you around the Somewhere Mine and we'll get you two situated at the Miner's quarters. It's free if you work there, so take advantage of it until you can get a place to stay. Now, come on! We got some digging to do!"

Will sat on a small bunk, wrapping bandages over his swollen ankle. They wouldn't help much, but the layers of bandages would provide some minimal ankle support and protection from the elements. The younger man was now dressed in a baggy t-shirt and a thin, tan jacket lay across his lap, stained and stitched in several places, but there were several large pockets to help with carrying gems and other rare minerals.

Cargo pants were next. Color matching the jacket, they bagged out over the top of the heavy work boots, and Will, finished with his wrapping, pulled on his boot, and turned attention to the nearby kits, one for both Don and himself.

Don opened the kit and found various doo-dads and objects that they'd need for their shifts. A pickaxe, some sort of mini-shovel, a mining helmet, batteries, rope, various hooks, and other objects that were apparently necessary to become miners. He threw on the outfit and strapped his equipment to his body, taking care not to put pressure on his still-healing ribs.

He looked at Will, "You ready?"

Will patted his chest, making sure everything was secure, "Let's go."

The two stepped out from the miners quarters which were, in all reality, ramshackle bunks surrounded by an equally ramshackle building. The yells of workers, chattering of miners, and the clanging of metal on rock rang through the wide cavern mouth. Don took the lead, Will stepping beside him as he slung the pickaxe over his shoulder wearily.

Don wiped the grime away from his face and lowered his pick to the ground. He glanced towards Will, who was wincing slightly at his ankle. Nearly a second later, a ringing went off from the outside of the mine, indicating that the shift was finally over. Don lifted the pick back up and they both headed out the shaft, passing various ponies and Dogs on the way. One pony in particular, a unicorn stallion, smiled happily at them.

"You're the new guys, right? How's your first day on the job? Fun, right?"

Don guffawed, "Fuck that."

Will snickered from behind his counterpart "Yeah, a blast."

The unicorn laughed agreeably "Well, it isn't the cleanest!" He extended his hoof "I'm Cole Train, one of the miners around here."

Don and Will took turns shaking the outstretched appendage somewhat awkwardly, each of them simply grasping the hoof and shaking it. Cole didn't seem the slightest bit bothered by the strange shake, suggesting that it was the norm for Diamond Dog and Equestrian interaction.

"I'm Don, this is Ill Will. Not the one that got killed in Brooklyn, that one is dead."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the pony responded.

They continued out of the mine shaft, and not surprisingly, no sunshine hit their faces. There was a murky, orange sunset just above the horizon. Below was the town, bustling at the last minutes of the day. Over to the right was the miner's quarters, which the two humans headed towards after waving goodbye to Cole Train. They went inside and soon found themselves getting rid of their gear and throwing it by their respective bunks.

Pulling his boots off proved difficult and Will grunted in pain, seeing that his ankle had swollen up, pressing against the tops of the footwear. He glanced over at Don who was rubbing his side tenderly.

"Where are the damn showers?"

Don raised his head at the sound of Will's voice "How the hell should I know? Probably back in town somewhere."

Just then, Mica walked in with a cheery smile, "How's it hanging? You got had a good day?" Both humans responded with a dismissive grunt, "Super! Anyway, you two up for those showers now?" They nodded, "Alright, let's just grab your bits-"

Don waved his hands, "Whoa, I'm an open-minded guy and all, but I'm into that horses."

"I meant the money," she stated in a deadpan manner, "Anyway, your day's pay is ninety-six bits each."

Will sighed loudly and pulled his boots back on "That's pretty good." He noticed Mica's straight face "Lighten up, Scrooge. He's playing."

Don's only response was a throaty chuckle as he joined Will in pulling on their respective footwear.

Mica shrugged "Whatever, but you two stink. We'll pop into town, get your pay, and you can get yourselves cleaned up for tomorrow!"

The humans stood up wearily and followed Mica out, listening to her chatter as she spoke over her shoulder "The town is nice and all, but it’s practically deserted in the mornings, probably 'cause all the miners have to wake up at five! They don't come out until their break at noon!"

They headed down a worn path with many different tracks on it, as Don spoke up, "Yeah, well, okay. I guess. And shit."

Mica gave him a strange look, "You talk funny, you know that? Most Diamond Dogs don't talk the way you two do."

The group hit the bottom and moved towards the town, where they eventually stopped at a fairly normal looking building, which they entered. Mica smiled once again and trotted with a spring in her step as she headed to the front desk and banged her hoof twice.

A raspy voice was heard and a royal blue head popped out from underneath the counter, "Quit it! I'm on my break!"

Mica rolled her eyes, "Hey Lapis! Me and these chuckle-heads are here for our pay for today!"

The mare, who seemed fairly older than Mica, looked the two humans up and down, "They're the temps?"

"Yup!"

"Well..." Lapis shrugged, "Okay, seems right." She produced several named bags and threw them onto the counter, "Grab 'em before I take 'em back and buy some booze with it. Celestia knows I need a drink..."

Will ran a hand over his dirty face "I am destined to be a temp forever."

"Yeah, not me though, nigga." said Don.

The younger man waved his hand, too tired to bother with a retort of any kind. Mica shook her head and passed the bags to the two humans, muttering a "Follow me." under her breath. Following Mica proved rather difficult for Will and he limped heavily in order to keep up with the healthy mare.

He looked over at Don who was only a foot or two ahead "Bro, what the hell is going on? Where the fuck are we?"

Don shrugged "I don't gotta clue. We'll talk about that shit later. Right now, I just want a shower."

Agreeing silently, Will and his other companions journeyed deeper into town, cutting past streets and vendors who hawked their wares relentlessly. An older stallion, grizzled and grey, called out from across the cobblestone street "I've got everything you need! And for cheap too!"

Mica waved him off and soon the trio was standing in front of their intended location.

Don sighed, "Let's just fucking get this done. I'm hungry."

They entered and walked past several different rooms before finally coming to what appeared to be a locker room. The steam from inside hit their faces and obscured some of their vision as well. Mica trotted in, looking back to say something as she did so.

"Come on, guys! Hot water won't last forever, ya know!"

Both humans didn't present any arguments and went through the doorway. Several figures could be made through the condensation, but they were mostly ignored. They soon came to a stop at a series of separated showers, where different miners and other ponies left and entered curtained ones. Will took his own shower and while Don took the one next to it.

He looked back as Mica entered and instantly laughed once before turning serious, "Get the fuck out."

She chuckled heartily and went to her own. After five or so minutes, each came out after getting dressed. The unicorn ended up shaking off all her moisture, letting it hit the two humans who shared frustrated looks. They left the building and proceeded to grab food, then headed back to the miner's quarters, where they finally received the rest they deserved.

Chapter 4: Occupational Hazards

Two G’s in a Pod

Chapter 4: Occupational Hazards

By: Stillmatic and Lucius Seneca

Will slammed the pickaxe into the rock in front of him. He had had boring jobs before, but nothing compared to the meaningless and mundane task at hand. His mind had nearly mutated into a numb state of robotic movements and repetition. Don was nearby, as usual. The two were usually together, most times calling themselves the "Dynamic Duo".

It was slightly narcissistic, but neither man gave much thought to the offhand name. There was a sharp crack as the large rock, some type of glossy mineral, broke from another strike of the pickaxe. Will watched as the two halves toppled apart, revealing the shine of unrefined wealth within. He shook his head in order to free himself from the seeping numbness.

Don looked around "Yo, nigga. What say we take a break?"

The younger man glanced up, "You got some reefer?"

"Hell yeah." was the reply.

Will nodded and looked around with his counterpart, seeing only the occasional worker, hammering at some far off collection of boulders and rocks. The two men casually walked away, resting their pickaxes on their shoulders, making it look as if they were off to work in a different section of the expansive mine. They followed the worn pathways, eventually coming to a small fork.

Lanterns lit the left passage way while the right remained dark and rather ominous. Will pointed at the darker one, years of clandestine smoking experience coming into play. Don nodded in agreement and they headed into the blackness, headlights bobbing in time with their wearers. Several large pipes, rusted and bolted to the stone wall, followed the trail deeper into the mine.

A set of crates stacked off to the side allowed the two friends to hide from any peering eyes. Don set his backpack down and pulled out a small plastic bag, revealing several joints within "Rolled them last night."

Will nodded agreeably, "Right on."

A lighter flashed in the darkness and soon each man was puffing away. Don, however, turned his nose up "Smells like some moldy ass eggs down here."

"Word. Let it be man." Will replied nonchalantly.

Don leaned casually against a nearby pipe, tossing the remains of the joint over his shoulder. There was a loud crack and the older man stumbled in surprise. The pipe had cracked and sagged slightly, now forming a large, jagged crack in the metal.

Will rubbed the back of his head "Shit, man. You broke that."

"Bah. Who's gonna know?" Don waved his hand dismissively.

Brown hair moving with his head, Will shrugged and pointed back towards the entrance "Autobots roll out."

The sound of a car came from Don's mouth and Will laughed openly at the noise. Neither seemed to notice the underlying hiss which came from behind them. Soon, they were back at their regular posts. Don's eyes were a faint pink and Will squinted heavily, mouth slightly open. The ringing of a bell startled the younger counterpart and he jumped.

"Jumping Jesus!"

"Break time, nigga."

Don was indeed right and soon there was a steady flow of workers shuffling out of the mine, pickaxes and bags slung over their shoulders as they chatted both wearily and happily. It was finally time for a rest from the work and afternoon light poured happily inwards from the mine entrance. Don and Will had awoken early, along with their fellow miners, and had gone to work despite their still-healing injuries.

Will was squinting at the bright sunlight, smiling dazedly as Don examined his fingernails again. As the two approached the cave entrance, Don cracked a joke and the duo began laughing. In fact, they were still laughing when they got the impression that a jetliner had struck them in the back. The two were flung forward like rag dolls, their equipment flying away.

A huge plume of flame and debris carried them forward, burning their clothing, singing their hair, and eventually depositing them, and many others, on the rocky hillside. Screams and cries for help filled the air as burnt and flaming wood rained down, perforating the thick, jet black column of smoke which snaked out of the mine.

Don was the first to move, gasping in pain as he crawled forward blindly, ears ringing, a small trickle of blood coursing from them. A charred pallet was resting heavily on his back and he struggled to focus his sight. He was laying lopsidedly on a small collection of rocks and patchy grass, approximately fifty or so feet from the destroyed mine.

Off to his right, Will was laying on his back, wiping his blackened face with an equally filthy hand. He too was bleeding and burnt, but there was no pain, primarily due to the fact that he was in shock. It took the younger man several minutes to register the screams and sirens which seemed to be muffled and dull.

He laid his head back "I think I’m deaf." His head lolled sideways "I gotta tell my mom. I gotta tell my mother."

Don grunted in pain as he turned and pushed the pallet off of himself, stumbling to his feet in the process. All around him, workers were lying strewn about on the ground, some unmoving, others slowly rising and coming to their senses. Don struggled over to Will, grabbing onto his younger counterpart who still seemed unable to comprehend the situation around him.

"Are you alright?" Don yelled, his ears still ringing.

Will looked about in surprise "What?"

The older man raised his voice louder "The mine fuckin' blew up!"

"Are people dead?" Will seemed shocked that such a thing could happen to him.

Don nodded slowly "I don’t know! But we need to help the niggas that aren't!"

Rubbing at a cut in his forehead, Will nodded and walked several feet, helping a diamond dog sit up shakily. Don was making his way towards the mine entrance, stumbling like a drunk as Will followed slowly, his singed hair bobbing as he stepped over debris. The day was only prone to worsen, and as Don tied his shirt around his face, followed by Will, a worker stumbled from the smoky abyss, promptly collapsing at Don's feet.

The two humans knelt next to the mare tiredly, weakly trying to get her to her feet. After a few minutes, she stood up and moved farther down before the two paused, ducking their heads and entering the destruction in front of them a second or so after. The smoke only seemed to make their injuries worse and Will was certain he had broken his left wrist as it seemed to throb and scream at the man, purple and swollen.

Thick, billowing clouds of smoke greeted the duo and they coughed in response to the filthy air, pulling their tattered and burnt shirts closer to their mouths and nostrils in a feeble attempt to protect their bodies from the smoke. Will dropped to his knees and stayed there for a full minute, head aching and hands laying limply on his thighs. He felt utterly exhausted, but as he watched Don's figure vanish deeper into the blackness, he crawled to his feet in resignation and followed.

It wasn't long before Don found the body of a fallen miner. He was a young stallion, coughing weakly against the smoke. The man grunted loudly and, with Will's sudden help, they were dragging the injured stallion to his safety just outside. Sirens were still screaming and ponies were crying, but Don seemed unmoved by the sheer terror around him and turned, going back into the mine. Will set the stallion down, unable to hold him up due to Don abruptly running back into the smoke.

Will lifted the shirt away from his mouth and spat, asthma getting worse by the minute "Oh man..."

His voice trailed off as he limped after Don, aiding him once again with a steady flow of injured and unconscious miners. They formed a sort of line, the older man helping Will as they discovered more and more fellow workers in need of assistance. Unbeknownst to the two humans, they were the object of attention now. Rescue workers looked on in awe as the two continued their stumbling dashes to and fro.

Suddenly, one miner, a grizzled stallion of light blue, stepped away from the gathered crowd and was next to the two men, helping them without saying a single word. Will could taste blood in his mouth at that point, having realized his throat had been rubbed raw from the smoke and asthma. Don wasn't much better off, his back burnt and clothing in rags, but the duo continued their work nonetheless.

And then the rescue workers were next to them, followed by the entire conscious portion of the miners as they continued deeper into the rubble. Chains were formed, handling those who were too injured to walk, and soon the entire mine, and the ponies left inside, were evacuated, strapped to stretchers and sent towards the hospital which would no doubt be overflowing.

Will climbed out of the smoky hell one last time and took a long look at the carts, ponies, and diamond dogs who were milling about, helping each other. The young man let out a long breath and promptly fell forward, unconscious before he hit the rocky ground. Don, who was coming out of the mine just in time to see his friend fall, clambered over to his side, attempting to help him up. But, just as it had claimed Will, Don felt the injuries and lack of adrenaline like a freight train and folded backwards, unconscious.

Will groaned, lifting a hand to his head as sunlight beamed through the cracks in the blinds of the window. His head pounded tirelessly from what had happened earlier yesterday, and the quite atmosphere gave him time to think. Slowly, the young man sat up, pain stabbing at him in the process. His back ached horribly, but the pain in his wrist had subsided to nothing, miraculously. A quick assumption led him to believe that the doctors fixed him up before he was able to awaken.

Looking to his left, he spotted Don, who was still asleep. Most damage on him seemed fairly superficial with the exception of a scar here or there. Will stood on his feet, stretching for a moment before nudging Don to wakefulness. The other man sat up jerkily, rubbing his eyes with his palms before running a hand through his hair.

"Damn... What the hell happened?" Don asked, somewhat confused as to why he was in a hospital.

Will looked around again, not seeing any other patients, "I don't know. I remember an explosion at the mine, but that's it."

"You think we got caught in it? Or did we just pass out?"

"I don't know about that either."

"Ugh," Don groaned. "Where the hell is the damn doctor around here?"

As if on cue, the same green unicorn entered the room to the far left, mumbling something under his breath before he arrived at the two, "What the hell are you two doing out of bed? Brainless idiots." He pulled the chart to his face and looked at the humans, "So, you think you two can just play hero and not get hurt, huh? Too bad about your dumbflanks getting sent back here again. Wish you'd either all just keel over or go somewhere else for this stuff."

Don rubbed his temples, "Yo man, do you ever shut the fuck up? Like, seriously? Get the fuck done, or get the fuck out."

The doctor snorted, "Whatever. You're both free to go. Sign out at the desk."

Both men shared a look before proceeding out of the room, following the unicorn until he passed by the front desk of the hospital. There was a serious emptiness around the building as Will tapped his hand on the desk, getting the attention of a nurse.

"Oh! You two are up already? Well, I shouldn't be all that surprised, Doctor Dismal has a knack for fixing folks up quick! You two really did us a favor yesterday, ya know. If it weren't for what you two did, we'd have lost some miners, and nopony wants that. Really, thank you both a bundle for helping out."

Don sighed, "Just doing our jobs. How much do we owe this place now?"

She waved a hoof dismissively, "After what you guys did? The miners pooled their pay for yesterday and covered for you. No debts left for either of you two fellas. Now, go on, I'm sure there'll be a lot of ponies happy to see you two out of bed. Shoo!"

The two made for the exit before sparing a glance back at the mare, who motioned her hoof forward. They exited the hospital to a brighter day than the last, with several ponies walking along the streets with the occasional dog. A bell rang far off, and both men looked to find the miners exiting from the nearby hill. The citizens of Somewhere smiled and seemed generally happy at the two, but they were still left in a mist about what actually happened. Mica, they assumed, would have the answers for them.

It wasn't long before miners were swarming into town, dirty and ready for a midday meal. But all of that stopped as they caught sight of the two humans, still aching painfully, and approached them. There must have been a little over seventy miners who were all pleased to see the duo alive and decently well. In fact, several thanked them personally, stating that they had really done something for the town and the ponies within.

It wasn't often that Will was congratulated, but he felt good knowing that he had saved lives without thinking twice. Don, who was in the middle of a hug from a mare, felt the exact same way. Despite being miles from home, missing and injured, they had large smiles plastered over their bruised and cut faces, happy to be among strangers for the first time in their lives.

The sight of Mica, her coat shimmering slightly in the afternoon light as she broke through the crowd, caught both men’s attention and they made their way towards her, shaking hooves, slapping paws, and generally interacting with the mass of ponies and dogs around them. It took a few minutes, but eventually the crowd dissipated, allowing the two men to finally reach Mica. She had a sloppy, almost rueful grin on her face as she wrapped her friends in a shared hug, one arm for each as she pulled them together while standing.

She was the first to speak "I don't think I can ever thank you guys enough! But THANK YOU!"

Don waved his hand "All in a day’s work. I am the supreme gangster of all time, after all."

There was a snicker from Will "Supreme bullshitter more like." He looked over at Mica "In all seriousness, we were glad to help. Someone had to do something."

Mica nodded agreeably "Uh huh. You were pretty close to dying when you got in to see the doctor though. He said your as-something was the worst he had ever seen."

"Asthma. Well, that shit only gets worse when I’m breathing in smoke and running around." Will replied sullenly.

Don rubbed a small cut on his temple "Word. Anyway, that doctor's assistant or whatever said that we don't owe him shit. So what now?"

"Well since you guys saved the day, I made the arrangements for you two to have some better paying jobs, since you know, you're gonna be here until the snows melt and the passes open!" Mica said with a coy smile.

Will let a look of appreciation cross his face "What kinda jobs?"

"Nigga, please. We're probably the mayors! Or at least I am, you can be my assistant." Don said breezily.

"Why don't you fuck off and die?" Will retorted jokingly.

Mica jumped in at that point "Listen!" She pointed at Will "You'll be running the general store, like cashier and stocking shelves and stuff."

The younger man nodded in acceptance as Mica moved onto Don "And you'll be a bartender at the local bar, seeing as though I couldn't really find anything else around here." She noticed his expectant look, "Ugh, yes, the pay is better than a miner, and there're the tips to go with it." The mare grinned, "Just make sure you hook me up with a drink every now and then, alright?"

Don smirked, "Yeah, sure. So, what now?"

Mica glanced at the sun for a moment, "Well, I'm not all that sure. It's still a bit past noon, and that means there's maybe six or seven hours left. You guys should probably keep it easy for a while. Come on," she motioned her hoof to the center of town, "let's go grab your last pay."

"Oh-ho-ho, lookie what we have here... The dogs who saved the day yesterday."

Lapis was leaning on a hoof, smirking as the two humans and single unicorn walked into the building. The air was slightly stuffy, but no one bothered complaining as the blue mare reached down and threw two sacks of bits on the front desk. They jingled a universal song that usually led to some sort of happiness or fun. Both Don and Will grabbed their respective bags and stuffed them into their pockets. The gruff pony shook her head, chuckling at the pair.

"You two sure are odd, ya know that? Comin' outta nowhere one day, then savin' miners the next!" Lapis shrugged, "Ah, who cares. Three hundred bits for the both of you. Shame you aren't going to be workin' 'round the mine anymore."

Will gave a look to his comrade, "A real shame."

"For real." Don felt some pangs of hunger, "Wanna grab some food?" Will nodded, "Ight, let's find some shit to eat."

They left, bidding farewell to Lapis as she returned to her work. The day seemed to speed by fast, both men going about it as what seemed to be normal. Nothing of true significance happened and they each went back to their quarters for the last time to sleep the night away. Tomorrow, however, would bring much greater prospects.

The Somewhere General Store was located just off the main street, that which was called "Miners Alley" by the local populace. Miners Alley itself diverged into several different, small roads that led off to housing or smaller, less known stores. The general store seemed to fit in quite well next to a modest hair salon run by an easygoing stallion named Peco, and a tailor. Each of the establishments was homey and had a relax atmosphere, allowing customers to shop in peace.

However, the general store seemed less peaceful than expected, probably due to the yelling coming from inside. Will was standing behind the counter, gesturing at the racks and shelves behind a stallion who was standing aimlessly in the middle of the store, not grasping the concept being hurled at him.

Will raised his voice for what seemed like the fiftieth time "How many times? We DON'T have tube socks! Do you understand that this store, the one you are currently standing like a fool in, does not have the product you require?"

The stallion tilted his head "Are you sure? I thought I saw some here yesterday."

"I was here yesterday! I checked the stocks!" Will sighed and buried his head in his hands "Listen, man. There's a tailors next door! Ask there! They probably have some fucking tube socks!"

Apparently the suggestion was enough for the stallion and he trotted out, leaving Will to sit back in his chair. He shook his head at the stupidity and flicked a magazine open, this one about different types of trees and their effect on the soil and its fertility. It was a sad, sad day for Will as he realized that he had stooped to reading material this low. He shook his head again and checked the analogue clock above the front door.

His shift would be over in five minutes and then he would head down to the bar where Don was no doubt working the night shift. Will's shift usually ended as Don was just beginning his, allowing the two friends some time to talk and drink. Luckily, in Somewhere at least, there was no legal drinking age, apart from fillies of course. The clicking of hooves informed the arrival of the store’s owner, one Mr. Abernathy, an elderly diamond dog who was more concerned about his never ending game of mahjong than the store itself.

The greying diamond dog hobbled from the back of the store which was, in reality, a small break room and a loading bay, and leaned on his cane as he spoke to Will, "Jamie? Is everything alright? I thought I heard some shouting."

Will fought the urge to breakdown into a sobbing heap. Mr. Abernathy had convinced himself that Will was actually his grandson, Jamie, who hadn't been seen around the town in over fifteen years, leaving his grandfather to decay by himself. Will, who had given up on trying to convince the senior that he wasn't his grandson, put on a smile and stood up politely.

"It was just some young rascals running about outside, Mr. Abernathy. Nothing to worry about."

Mr. Abernathy smiled contently, his bushy eyebrows sheltering the grey irises "Kids these days. Say, do you remember when we went fishing with your cousin down on Black Water Lake?" The cane tapped expressively on the floorboards "How much do you reckon that catfish weighed?"

Will dropped his head for a second before looking back up "A good thirty pounds at least."

"That was a good day."

And then the elderly canine hobbled back into his mahjong den, leaving Will to close up the store. Soon, the lone human was heading down the streets towards Don's place of work, the sun falling behind him.

"You got a Ruby Claim on you by any chance?"

Don stood up from his kneeling position and pulled out several bottles, "I can make one. You paying now or later?"

"Later," a brown pegasus replied.

The human narrowed his eyes, "I expect your tab to be completely wiped by tonight. Records say you've been skipping on tab for a bit."

"Don't worry," he tossed a cloth sack of golden bits onto the table, "I got enough for myself and all the other drinks I got."

"So why not pay it now?"

"In the beginning of the night? Are you crazy? What do I look like, like I'm Prench?"

Don rolled his eyes, "Heavens no."

The stallion grunted in amusement and Don proceeded to make the alcoholic beverage as requested. In reality, most of the drinks were fairly simple and required basic math skills to make. There were, however, some that became complex quickly, testing what meager bartending skills he had in only a day. His lie of how much experience he had secured him a job, but no one was complaining yet, so he simply assumed he was at least doing something right. Don finished the red beverage and slid it forward on a coaster. The stallion took a sip and nodded, trotting off with it in hand towards his friends.

The bar, unlike much of the town, was fairly modern. Speakers all around the room would be booming music soon, and cages would eventually hold dancers with neon glowsticks around their necks. It was a serious surprise to the man when he figured out that the establishment was the way it was. The patrons were of all sorts and despite it being far too early for anything serious, the nightlife seemed quite progressive in comparison to every other business in the town of Somewhere. He shuddered, recalling when a stallion attempted to hit on him earlier.

"Are you sleeping on the job or something, you joke?"

Don turned his head to his boss, who demanded to be addressed as Madame Lemon Dropatini. As her named implied, she was bright yellow Earth mare, coupled with an orange, curly and well-kept mane. Her attitude towards her employees was less than fantastic, but her ability as both owner and manager kept all of the business focused on her enterprise, making her a respectable member of the town. Don, however, was caught in the way of all her negative comments. He mostly ignored her unless she gave a specific order that needed fulfilling.

"Nah, I was calculating the exchange rate from Stalliongrad vodka per ounce to here, with tax included."

She gave him a stern look before begrudgingly nodding, "Fine, but no lollygagging. I'm not about to let some fresh meat ruin my club by being inadequate."

The human nodded his head and turned back to his duties, making drinks and using a chart as a guide. He checked the clock and saw that it was about to hit ten, usually the time when most of the clubbers would arrive until the early hours of the morning. A familiar face walked through the door as he bent down to pick up several mugs to clean. There was a tapping on the bar as he stood up again, using a rag to wipe the mugs dry.

Don smirked at Will, "Whatcha need, stalker? I got all the shit you're ever going to need."

Will took a seat on one of the stools and leaned forward inconspicuously "I was wondering," he paused to look needlessly over his shoulder "If you had some high class herb that'll get me higher than high."

Don looked over both his shoulders slowly before leaning in, "I got some stuff, if you got the bits. The local stuff is major suckage, but I got this guy who's willing to export for the right price."

There was a solemn and understanding nod from Will "I got the bits. It's just, you know, I’ve been feeling some cosmic loneliness lately."

Don put down the glass and leaned on his fist, "Yeah, I'm not really in tune with it ever since- Fuck, I don’t even know when! But we can solve that problem with a little help from some chems." He quickly looked both ways, "I got an idea, wanna hear?"

"My ears are more open than Madame Lemon's legs. Lay it on me, bro." Will replied.

"I was thinking about that ant and moth army thing, remember that? Well, what if we made spiders? Spiders that made piff instead of silk that feed on flies full of THC?"

Will ran finger down his chin "The ant and moth army never worked out. Damn moths were too proud in my opinion, but spiders? We need a controlled environment and a gene-splicing laboratory for sure."

"I'll make some calls, if I ever even get a reception with this damn thing." Don banged his Blackberry against the table once, "Still has a full charge, somehow. God knows why, but who the hell cares. So how was work?"

"Could have been better. These horses always want tube socks! I'm not sure if it's some subtle innuendo or what, but I’m sick of them asking." Will scratched at his arm "And then there's Mr. Abernathy. Enough about me though, how are things on your end?"

Don stuck his hands in his pockets and shrugged, "The Madame's on my ass every half hour and some of the guys and gals here seem to find me exotic. Same thing with your probably. Haven't heard anything about tube socks though." He seemed to look off to someplace, "Just... other things that they offer..." He shook his head, "Anyway, want a drink?"

Will nodded, "Just give me whatever. You know I smoke more than drink, right?

"Yeah, but lemme give you the 'Madame Speciale'. Tangy."

The older man grabbed a martini glass and began to mix together liquids until it reached a lemony-orange color. He pushed it towards Will on a coaster and went back to drying glasses, watching expectantly.

Will swirled the beverage around in its glass before taking an experimental sip. A look of appeasement reach his face and he nodded, taking another sip "Not bad, Don, not bad at all." Will paused in his drinking "Hey, what'd you do with the backpack? Don't want to lose any of that stuff."

Don kicked the bag in question from behind the counter, "Got it right here. Why? What's up?"

"Nothing. Just makin' sure." He set the glass down "I wonder what my family is up to."

"Probably calling the Mounties to look for you or some shit."  Don sighed as a mare came trotting up to them.

"Hi! Can I get a Pyrite Dream?" The teal pony asked in a cheery tone.

"Sure."

Don grabbed the necessary ingredients and a tall, thin glass. He threw some cubes of ice that held minerals that glowed a very faint, golden color. Some alcohol was promptly poured in along with mango juice with a few squirts of lemon for kick. He stirred the drink until it reached equilibrium and handed it to the mare, who placed several bits on the counter. She took a sip and gave a wide smile before trotting away.

Don turned back to Will, "I don't even know what any of these drink names are, I just throw shit together and they like it."

Will guffawed "Born to be a bartender, nigga."

Don opened his mouth to speak before a stallion trotted up to the two, looking at the older in specific, "Hello, would you mind if I ask a question?"

Sighing once again, Don looked to Will and refilled his drink, "You go and socialize or something, I still gotta work and shit."

Will shrugged and moved off the stool, still in view as he towered over all the other clubbers. The stallion cleared his throat, making Don turn his attention back to the patron. Now looking at him, he finally saw the Earth pony's appearance. He was a royal blue in color, with a lighter gray for a mane that was partially covered by a top hat. A pair of elegant glasses were on his face as he smiled at the man, a dark pea coat covering most of his body.

"What can I get for ya?" Don asked.

"Well, I was more interested in information, specifically where you two are from." He thought for a moment, "But I suppose that's too forward. How long have you been living in Somewhere?"

Don was slightly annoyed by the stallion but leaned forward regardless, cupping his hands coolly, "Bro, you're not asking the right questions. You should ask how Don the barman, Don the hookah man, Don the man who partied with all sorts of friends in all sorts of places, ended up in Somewhere."

"Interesting..." The stallion extended his hoof, "Sir Silver Tongue, Director of Canterlot Royal Museum of Antiquities."

The human shook his hoof, and rolled his eyes. This was not how he wanted to spend his shift.

As Don was conversing with the corporate stiff, Will was grinding against a mare on the dance floor, not realizing how intoxicated he was. He was enjoying himself quite thoroughly as the mare flipped her mane back and forth. To Will it smelt like cherry blossoms, but he paid it little mind and continued with his grooving, not noticing an inebriated couple watching him from across the dance floor.

It took a few minutes, but eventually the stallion, a younger one of bluish-white, approached him, stumbling slightly, followed by his girlfriend or wife. It took a bit of prodding to gain the human's attention and soon enough Will was looking down at the stallion in front of him.

"Hey, bro. You need something?"

The stallion nodded drunkenly in the positive, smiling in a seductive manner, "Me and my wife jut made a bet about who could get you into bed faster, and I don't plan on losing."

Will narrowed his eyes angrily "Get out of here, stalker."

Whether or not the stallion was merely oversensitive or just too drunk to hold back the mass of emotions remained unseen as he ran off, blubbering like a child. His wife, a mare of charcoal black, shook her head at Will.

"You horrible monster!"

The man called out after her as she chased the crying stallion down "Peace out, bro! Wish we could have rolled a joint together!"

Don shook his head from the bar counter, “Only one drink and he’s already up on some bitch.”

He clicked his tongue and continued to serve drinks well into both the night and the morning. Things were, for once, looking up for the two as they maintained their new jobs.

Chapter 5: Cave Story

Two G’s in a Pod

Chapter 5: Cave Story

By: Stillmatic and Lucius Seneca

Don hummed to himself, combing his hair in front of the mirror in his room. Both men recently rented out the apartment above the store Will worked in, for the low price of only three hundred bits a month. Both were capable of easily making that amount and feeding themselves well with money to spare with their new jobs now that their debts had been paid for them. He flexed in the mirror for a moment, showing off the new threads he received from the tailor next door yesterday before work.

It was odd, all too odd. There was mention of a job that needed fulfilling on the end of Sir Silver Tongue (Don cringed at how he assumed he got his name) that no one else was willing to take on. While it was hard to calculate the difference between bits and dollars, it eventually seemed that they were quite on point with each other in terms of value. Though, the sound of several thousand bits didn't have any language barrier and he understood quite well the reward both he and Will would receive, should they be successful. Unfortunately, that was all the information he got from the stallion, other than that they were to meet around noon the next day, a day off for almost everyone in town.

Don tore himself from the mirror and hung a jacket over his shoulders for the cold weather he would soon be experiencing. He made his way into Will's room and stood in a mix of shock and amusement. There, beside Will, was a flinty grey mare with a short, faded blue mane. Don bit his bottom lip, holding in a laugh that desperately wanted to escape. She seemed peaceful and serene in her current state, snuggling up against the other human for what seemed to be comfort or protection.

"Oh my god..." Don muttered under his breath, "This shit is hilarious..."

He ripped out his Blackberry and snapped a shot of the scene. The flash made the mare stir, fluttering her eyelids until she smiled at him and yawned, now awake.

"You must be," she yawned again, "Will's friend. Nice to meet you."

Don raised a brow at her attitude, "You two do anything I didn't hear about last night?"

The mare sat up, rubbing a hoof at her eyes tiredly, "Nah, he just needed help getting back here and well... It was late and all... So I just got in too."

"Some interesting logic you have there." He commented.

Don stepped over to Will and lightly shoved him in an attempt to wake him up. When several tries failed, he proceeded to shake the other human's shoulder wildly. The mare watched confusedly at the antics and shrugged. She would much rather be asleep and went back to doing so, cuddling up against Will. Don glared at her counter-productivity and nearly threw an insult if it weren't for the fact Will suddenly scooted off the bed, almost falling.

Will's red and sagging eyes tiredly locked onto the mare's innocent ones in a confused, awkward manner, "Who the hell are you?"

The mare looked back in insulted confusion, "I'm Flint! What, you don't remember me?"

The human squinted his eyes against the harsh morning light, eventually coming to a conclusion "Oh yeah, yeah. You helped me home last night. Thanks for that."

Flint hummed in approval and promptly rolled over, pulling the sheets over her. Will stood up slowly and stretched, cursing in the process. He turned to face Don, dressed in only a pair of very well-worn jeans, "Top of the morning to you." Will flicked aside a curtain, "And she is one for the record books too. What? Looking's for free, touching is gonna cost you"

A look of poorly hidden anger and disgust crossed Don's face, "Get the fuck outta here with that shit."

There was a loud chuckle from Will as he entered the bathroom and shut the door. Minutes later the sound of a shower could be heard along with loud humming. Don shook his head at the antics and pulled on his shoes. They seemed to be holding up well despite the strange situations at hand. The sound of the shower stopped abruptly and Will emerged, towel wrapped around himself for some level of decency.

"So, hangovers aside, what'd you do last night? I saw you talking with that one dude for like an hour."

Don shrugged and took a seat on the bed, careful not to disturb Flint, "We'll talk about that over breakfast, nigga." He raised an eyebrow at Will as he gathered up his new clothes, courtesy of the tailor next door, "You were going hard on the dance floor though."

"Eugh. Some dude approached me about rocking it in bed with him and his girl." Will grinned, "You know what I said, nigga?"

There was a tilt of the head, "What'd you say?"

"Get out of here, Stalker."

Uproarious laughter filled the room as both men clutched their sides in humorous agony. Flint refused to stir however, and remained hidden in her cozy cave of down blankets. Will wiped a tear away, "Yo, gotta get dressed. Get the fuck out."

Don waved his hands, "Yeah, yeah, nigs."

Soon he was gone from the room and the door shut, allowing Will to pull on his new clothes. He hadn't taken a good look at the folded attire until now and as soon as he did, he let out a long sigh and a curse. Whether Don was pulling a prank or this was all the tailor could come up with remained to be seen, but Will knew his other clothes wouldn't last much longer and he sighed once more as he hastily got dressed.

He didn't like wearing suits, especially ones that were blazingly white with a black diamond pattern. Will looked at himself in the mirror as he pulled on equally white dress shoes. He shook his head and opted not to wear the tie. He didn't know how to tie one anyways. Will glanced over at the snoozing figure of Flint and gave a small nod to himself before exiting the room, finding Don waiting.

Don nodded his head towards the stairs and the duo headed to the kitchen, where the elderly Diamond Dog, Mr. Abernathy, was attempting to cook eggs on a stove that wasn't on. Both humans grabbed some pears and walked out; eating them on the way to their destination. The harsh winter wind began to blow immediately, but they continued in a direction Will wasn't familiar with.

Before he could ask, Don already spoke the answer, “Ight, so we're going to see that guy Silver Tongue. He has a job for us that pays stupid good and I'm not turning that shit down and neither are you. He told us to meet him at the house next to a barbershop at noon. Any questions?"

"What's the job?"

"Don't know."

Will nearly considered stopping and heading back to sleep, but followed regardless, not wanting to confront Flint in bed. The duo walked for another five minutes before a familiar stallion tapped his hoof anxiously, looking frantically from side to side and back at a watch. He beckoned them over as soon as he caught sight of them.

"What took so long? I've been waiting for a while.” He glanced at his watch, “Over ten minutes for you two!"

"Who's this?" Will asked.

"Silver Tongue. Anyway, what're we even doing here man?"

The stallion cleared his throat, "We are going to attempt to persuade a local into giving us a permit to excavate an area in the mine." He knocked loudly at the door a few times, smiling, "And I'm sure she'll agree once she's seen who's volunteered for the job."

"SHUT UP!"

Each of them recoiled back as someone walked up to the door, a faint grumbling being heard from the other side. Much to the surprise of the two humans, it was Mica, whose mane was fairly unkempt, evidencing her rude awakening at the hands of the museum director. She scowled at the Canterlot aristocrat but began chuckling once she saw the two men.

"Oh, he's dragged you two into this now?"

Don frowned, "What's she talking about?"

"Don't you know?" She asked, smiling, "This stiff probably wants you to go into the Deep Mine after getting a permit from me."

"So?" Will looked at Mica, "What's this 'Deep Mine'?"

Silver Tongue cleared his throat, "I don't think now is the best time to discuss that. Now, if we could simply get a permit, I'd like to get them along the path to recovering the artif—"

Mica cut him off, glaring angrily at him, "Oh shut up! You always say that and guess what happens? We lose a few good miners! Stop trying to get that darn thing if you know it's in a cursed part of the mine!"

"Cursed?" Don asked, "As in we're definitely unwelcome and it'll be dangerous?"

"Of course! This guy tempts miners to go down there all the time! More than half the expeditions don’t even come back!”

Will pulled his head back and raised his hands, palms outwards, "Fuck this! I don't play with the whole cursed game, boys! I'm out!"

Don grabbed his counterpart by the collar and pulled him back, "You're not going anywhere, nigga, and neither am I! We're gonna do this shit, and get the ducats! Curses are bullshit anyway!"

"You two can't be serious! You'll die down there!" Mica exclaimed loudly, looking slightly insane in her messy mane and bathrobe.

Silver Tongue cut in at that point, a greedy glimmer in his eyes, "Excellent! Now, the permit?"

Mica nearly hit the stallion, but bit her tongue and gestured the humans to enter her home for the time being, slamming the door in the face of Silver Tongue before he could enter. Will wiped several stray flakes of snow from his shoulders and watched as Mica rooted around a small desk down the hallway. She pulled a thick, pulp fiction piece of paper from the depths and floated it over towards Don who snatched it from the air with a determined hand.

Mica trotted over and pointed at the bottom of the paper, "Sign there, both of you."

Don grabbed a floating fountain pen and swirled his signature followed by Will who did so very, very reluctantly. Mica signed on a spot below their two signatures and shook her head, "You two are totally bonkers, you know that? This is crazy!"

The humans remained silent, grabbed the permit and headed out the door silently. Sliver Tongue congratulated them and soon the trio was headed towards the miner's quarters, and towards a cavern where death and danger were equal partners.

Don licked a finger and threw it into the air, narrowing his eyes, "I smell a motherfucking storm a-brewing..."

"Okay, Ahab." Will responded.

It was fairly quiet through the town as the trio walked past several homes and shops, getting wary glances from the residents when the stallion next to them was seen. Several ponies gave them grim looks and simply shook their heads, unsure of the future of the two volunteers. Eventually, they arrived at the miner's quarters, where Silver Tongue left them to wait outside, afraid to get too close to the dirty miners. The duo stepped inside without hesitation and quickly switched out of their clothes, getting on mining gear. Will felt a tug at his belt from behind.

"Hey," Cole Train began, rubbing at his eyes, "What're you two up to? It's everypony's day off today."

Will shrugged, "We're going into the mine to get something."

"A precious artifact, says the fruitcake outside." Don added.

Several of the miners who were barely awake or functioning suddenly sat up, staring at the two with wide eyes. They all traded looks before bursting into laughter, finding something hysterical. The humans looked at each other in confusion and then back down to Cole Train. His entire body was frozen, unmoving until he began blinking again and shook his head. The stallion looked gravely at the two, completely serious now.

"Don't do it."

A mare nearby shouted across the room, "Fifty bits says they come back running!"

"My next day's pay on them not even coming back!" Another pony replied.

Cole Train ignored them and kept staring, "Don't do what he asks. He's using you just like he did all the others."

Don narrowed his eyes, "What're you talking about? You mean he's gotten a lot more than Mica said, killed?"

"Almost two dozen."

Will took a step back in shock, "Whoa. Really?"

"Get out of the contract before it's too late!"

"We're not doing shit!" Don growled. The room seemed to fall silent as he elbowed Will, "We're going to go down there, get that shit, and get paid. No discussion. It'll be enough to have us set for months and I'm not turning that shit down." He looked to his accomplice and extended a hand, "You with me?"

Will met that hand with a firm grip, "We can't be the Bomb-Diggity-Fresh Boys if you end up getting killed because I wasn't there."

Don grinned, "That's what I like to hear! Let's get this shit done!"

The two were about to walk out before Cole stopped them, "Wait!" The miner rummaged through a nearby chest, holding some kind of clamp device, "Here. It's a sort of defibrillator. Last guys forgot to take theirs and well... never came back to get it. If what they say is true about what happens down there, trust me, you're going to need it."

Don threw the odd item into his backpack, "Thanks, appreciate it. Expect to see us tomorrow a whole lotta ducats richer."

"I hope so, for your sakes."

The two men exited the miner's quarters, passing by Silver Tongue who nodded eagerly, twiddling his hooves in greedy manner, "Marvelous! Here's a map to get you going in the right direction!" He handed will the folded paper, "Make sure to stay safe and absolutely bring back the artifact in one piece! I'm counting on you two!"

Neither said anything and simply continued walking, heading into the mines. As it began to darken, they flicked on their mining lights. Things were not going to go as hoped or expected, that was for sure.

Dripping pipes, the distant sounds of falling rocks, and a general sense of unease haunted the tunnels past the general mining area. There was little light apart from the occasional crack in high ceilings and the dim, yellow glow of two headlamps penetrating through the drifts of steam and dust. Skittering could be heard sometimes, echoing farther down the tunnel, but it vanished quickly, the sound hiding like a rat caught in the open.

Will paused in his walking and checked the map which detailed the interior of the "Deep Mine" It seemed like someone had taken a market and drawn loops, zigzags, and random swirls across the area, but in all reality, those were the tunnels themselves. Both men looked down, sweat on their brows, as they examined the laminated map. Will glanced forward and saw the large, rusting airlock in front of him. Railroad tracks, probably meant for handcars instead of an actual train, ran underneath and continued on unseen.

The airlock itself was a faded, tarnished metal and Will, nodding towards the identical pair of cranks on opposite sides of the airlock itself, headed towards the leftmost one, Don on the right. Rust screamed and dust swirled about like a phantom as it trickled downwards, the airlock door climbing slowly up and into the slot above which had been cut out of the rock. Will stopped in his turning and let out a long breath.

"Alrighty, I’m going under. I'll give you the all clear when I’m in."

Don gave a grunt of acknowledgement "Do whatcha gotta do, nigga."

Will ducked and crawled underneath the airlock, realizing that the two foot thick, four hundred pound door, could collapse at any given time. It certainly didn't seem sturdy, much less safe. He scampered forward and emerged into the blackest area yet. His voice came danced down the empty tunnel in front of him.

"Let's go!"

The sounds of Don as he stood up behind his younger counterpart relieved Will and he smiled palely, face quickly turning into a complexion of fear as the airlock door, true to Will's thoughts, slammed back into place with a sound to rival an explosion. Both men jumped and cursed loudly, Don letting out every single foul word he knew at the sound.

Eventually they calmed themselves and set forward, booted feet crunching on the loose gravel underfoot. No natural light was present in the tunnel and even the rats seemed absent, as if afraid of something both men were unaware of. Will coughed quietly and listened as the sound raced down the vacant area, resounding off of every surface. As they walked, Will checking the map constantly, Don tossed pebbles forward absentmindedly, waiting for something to attract his attention.

He tossed another rock forward, but stopped abruptly as the sound of the stone hitting the ground failed to appear. Don placed a hand on Will's shoulder and looked downwards, stepping back in fright as a large break in the ground revealed itself. Will whistled loudly and looked downwards at the black abyss. The railroad track twisted dangerously over and wind whistled from the depths. Neither man said anything for a few minutes, intent to look down at the bottomless pit.

Don broke the silence, "How the fuck are we supposed to get across?"

Will shrugged and pointed at the gnarled tracks, "Gonna have to risk that shit."

Don edged forward, looking over the abyss, "No way down, we're gonna have to use TEAMWORK. Come on."

He stepped onto one side of the track, balancing himself while Will did the same.

"How exactly do we do this without falling to our deaths?"

"Simple! Gimme your arm." Will extended his arm and Don grabbed it at the elbow, "Right, now we just need to walk across real easy like."

"Are you sure this is going to work?"

"When have I ever been wrong?"

Will frowned, "I can recall a few times."

"Whateves!"

The duo proceeded to move across, their boots providing a good grip to the metal. There were several screeches from below among what sounded like the howls of some animal. They looked at each other before quickening their pace, reaching the end of the abyss and getting back onto solid ground once again. A burst of flame nearly scraped against their backs from below as they moved away. A chattering noise bounced off the walls for a few seconds, then shortly dying off as the flames dwindled.

Don pulled his arm away from his eyes, not needing it as a shield anymore, "What the hell was that?"

"Fire, I think." Will stated.

"No shit."

"We should keep moving, before something else happens."

The sound of a pipe dropping nearby was all the motivation the two needed before they quickly ran off down the tunnel, furthering their escapade. The deeper they went, however, the more things seemed to turn for the increasingly bizarre. This was especially shown when Will stopped suddenly, hearing some faint whispers from nearby. Don looked back at him, confused as to why he stopped. The younger man looked to his right, where a pipe squeaked every now and then.

"You hear that?" Will stepped closer to it, leaning down to hear better, "I hear..."

"What?" Don asked in a flustered tone, "What the hell could possibly be there?"

"... Singing..?"

Several bangs went off in the large, red and rusted pipe. Bolts and screws popped out, whizzing into the air and flying towards random directions. Screaming went off in Will's ear as he fell back in shock. Don covered his ears, wincing at the heavy barrage of noise within the confined space. The screaming winded down, coming to a dull hiss. Don helped Will up, a scowl on his face.

"Why the fuck would you do that?"

"Singing pipes."

"Huh. Good enough for me."

Will shook his head to clear himself of the ghostly singing. It sounded almost classical, but there was an opera-like tone to it, deep, powerful and head turning. And then it had soured. Turning into a high pitched scream of agony, despairing in its shrill cry for help. Silence had followed that, but the pit of nervousness and fear remained within the younger man's stomach, making Will sweat and stumble on the ground beneath. There was something not right about the tunnels, about the rock, the winds, and the pipes. There was something wrong.

Up ahead, a handcar could be seen, still sitting patiently on the tracks as it waited for passengers to power it forward. Will checked the map and deduced that they were still on track, but were meant to take the next right and enter a crossroads of some sort. From there all they had to do was take another right, enter an area labelled as the "Grand Hall" and retrieve the artifact from the dig site within. Don propped his foot up on the side of the handcar and looked over the olden type of transportation.

 "What's the map say, nigga?"

Will unfolded it once again, "Uh, basically says we take the next right."

Don hopped up onto the machinery, followed by Will, "Surprised you can read that."

"I don't know how to work a compass." Will shook his head, "How do you get that confused with a fucking map?"

"Same thing." Don retorted as he gripped the lever on his side.

Will did the same and soon the two were pushing their way along the rusted tracks, wheels rattling beneath as they journeyed further into the darkness. Eventually, the first turnoff appeared and they slowed the handcar, allowing Will to light a lantern which hung from the side of the vehicle. The more light the better, thought Will as he grabbed the lever and resumed the journey. Roots hung sloppily from the rock celling above and the occasional pebble would drop down from above, ricocheting off the tracks and vanishing into the gloomy darkness.

Don ducked his head as a large pipe, rusted and thick, came into view, "Fuck, did they have to build all that shit?"

Laughing breathlessly, Will spoke, "I don't know, Pavel, why don't you tell me?"

Several insults were hurled Will's way, but the younger man just laughed in retaliation, motioning for the Don to let the handcar slow to a halt as the crossroads came into view. It was shaped similar to a pitchfork, pathways curving off to the left and right, with a single path cutting through the middle. That route, however, was blocked by a cave in, rafters and other debris sticking out from the dirt. Will shone his light towards the leftmost tunnel, finding it clear and empty, but nonetheless creepy in its blackness.

"How much farther do we need to go?" Don asked, beads of sweat beginning to form on his forehead.

Will motioned with one hand to pull out the map, only for him to freeze up once his eyes looked behind his companion, "D-Don! DON!"

"What?!"

"There's something behind us!"

Don quickly looked back, only for his heart to begin racing rapidly. He gasped at what he saw and they both stared at what could only be as literal darkness creeping towards them, shrouding everything. Much unlike natural darkness, the sheer malice and fierceness could be felt emanating from the dark cloud and shining their headlamps at it didn't even begin to penetrate it. A distinct growling was echoing off the walls, coupled with the rust squeaks of the tram.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!?" Don exclaimed louder than necessary.

Will grunted as he increased his pace of working the tram, "WHO KNOWS! JUST KEEP MOVING!"

They sped up considerably in a short few seconds, only for the darkness to outdo them by a large margin. Will's arms were now aching badly from the "exercise" and his asthma was beginning to catch up as well. His lungs puffed and he huffed loudly, trying to do his best to push himself to continue. Don was no better, losing his vigor after the exertion of increasing their speed. Slowly, the darkness began encroaching on his back, tendrils snapping at his back in a sick embrace. His eyes widened and he suddenly caught a sudden wind, shouting expletives and pushing them away from the darkness.

"HOW FAR IS IT?!"

Will winced, "WE'RE GETTING AHEAD!"

"WILL, TRUST ME ON THIS! TAKE OVER FOR ME!"

"WHAT!? ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY?!"

"TRUST ME!"

"FINE!"

Don let go of his end of the lever and quickly ran through his backpack, searching for something. A deep scowl found itself on his face as he ripped out the now infamous flare gun, a trusty keepsake that now had saved their life once already. He clicked, firing a scorching red flare forward at the darkness. It howled as it exploded into a massive eruption of flames and cinder, with the little capsule cutting through it entirely. The smile on Don's face faded quickly and was replaced with the same horror and astonishment Will's had. The enormous flood of fire moved far slower than the darkness, but it too was just as deadly and their strength was running out.

Don looked forward to check for more pipes and gasped, "FUCK! WILL! NO WAY ACROSS!"

Will turned back and grimaced, "FUCKITY FUCK! WE'RE TOTES FUCKED!"

The cart flew upwards, taking to the air. Time seemed to slow the same way as when they flew off the cart back in Somewhere, but this was far more life-threatening for both. Quickly calculating the way they were flying, Don determined two things: First, the cart wouldn't make it across, second, Will had the best chance to make it across. He looked back to see the flames continuing towards them.

"JUMP!" Don shouted loud enough for his partner to hear.

The cart reached its final point and began to fall towards the abyss, while Will jumped back, landing on solid ground and rolling backwards. He gasped and looked over the edge, seeing Don just barely holding onto the gnarled rails. The pillar of flames was approaching faster and Will extended his hand out.

"HELP ME, MOTHERFUCKER! GET ME THE FUCK UP!"

"I'M TRYING!"

Will's lungs were on fire as he grabbed onto Don's free hand, using the rest of his strength to try and pull him upwards onto the other side. Massive amounts of heat began reaching them, and their palms became sweaty as a result. Don felt himself slipping, and hopped forward onto the edge, which proved a better grip due to the dirt. Will grabbed the back of his collar and yanked him upwards, right onto the ground. Don scrambled to his feet and snagged Will, dragging him backwards and away from the fire. He tripped, leaving both exposed for their upcoming demise.

However, it never came. They both opened their eyes and saw something quite amazing. The fire hit an invisible barrier that lied on the edge, groaning and crashing against it. No heat reached them as well, and they finally noticed the light now on them. Will heaved loudly while Don gasped for air, turning over to find that several light bulbs were placed above them. There was a general feeling of unknown comfort within the area, which seemed far more immaculate than any other place they had encountered so far. They rested against opposite sides of the wall, and separate symbols hung on the walls over them. Over Don lied a bright, shining sun that radiated some sort of soothing aura, while a crescent moon was above Will, providing an invisible, cooling relief.

Don wiped the sweat away from his brow, "That *pant* was fucking *pant* intense..."

Will threw himself into a sprawled out position, "I'm fuckin' pooched, we nearly died like twice, the battery on my headlamp is fucking dying. I want to go home." He sat up shakily, "This is not an ideal place to be for a sixteen year old and a nineteen year old!"

Don was busy catching his breath when he replied, "Nigga, at least we're alive."

The younger man pointed at the form a skeleton leaning against the wall of the tunnel, "Say that shit to him! He's dead as fucking dead can be! He's deader than dead!"

"Damn! Someone left a skeleton right there? We should take it as a souvenir."

Will crawled over weakly, still asthmatic, and stared at the slumped collection of bones, "That's a diamond dog or whatever they're called."

He pulled a burlap satchel away from the skeletal grip and opened it, ignoring the head which rolled free, landing at Don's feet. He lifted the skull upwards and turned it over in his hands, emptying the dust out of the empty cavity where the brain would have once been. Will shook his head at the morbidness and opened the satchel. Several items, including a journal of sorts, tumbled outwards. Will snatched up a grappling hook and its accompanying rope which he set aside before rummaging through the rest of the items.

It was mainly miscellaneous, but Will set his eyes on the warped leather-bound journal which he flipped through casually as Don rolled the head around at his feet. There were several entries relating to the tunnels and a rumored artifact deeper in. As the journal entries continued onwards, the handwriting turned into stretching scrawls punctuated by exclamation and question marks alike. Within the margins of the pages, numerous symbols had been scrawled by a shaky hand and crude skulls accompanied them.

Will shuddered and flipped to the next page. It was blank except for a single, repeating word which covered several lines. Jamie, Jamie, Jamie, Jamie, Jamie, Jamie. So that was where Mr. Abernathy's grandson had gone. Deep into the tunnels, losing his way, starving, dying, and eventually finding this small oasis in the depths of darkness. The journal sat in Will's hands for another moment before he tossed it off the edge and into the blackness below. It was better that way, he thought, better to not know about what had happened. Don watched as it sailed in the air for a moment before plummeting and vanishing.

"What was that?"

"Nothing."

The sharpness of the words stopped Don from asking any further questions and he set the skull aside.  Will looked upwards at the moon symbol which hung from what appeared to be a rawhide string attached to a cleat in the ceiling of the tunnel. He stood up and with a sharp yank, removed the string and symbol, handling the glowing blue object. It seemed to be stone of some kind, obsidian maybe, or something similar, but Will knew it was special. A seeping coolness absorbed into his hand and he tied the remaining rawhide into a necklace of sorts before hanging it around his neck, symbol resting against his chest.

"You gonna take that one?"

Don looked from Will's pointed finger to the symbol which hung over him. He nodded slowly and stood up, doing what Will had done only seconds ago. Soon, both men had their own necklaces secured and Will pulled his head back in surprise as he realized his asthma had vanished.

He grinned, face black with soot, "Better than a four leaf clover."

There was a nod from Don, "Or a rabbit's foot!"

Will chuckled and removed the slightly burnt map from his pocket and traced a path with his finger "Okay, Jose. Let's get a move on."

"Jose is a Mexican name."

"Did I ever tell you how you sound over the phone?"

"Fuck you. I do not sound Latino."

"Don't get your jimmies rustled there, bro."

"Fuck you, acting like there’s some Bone Thugs up in here, stealing souls or some shit. Wack ass cracka."

Will laughed, quickly followed by a guffaw from Don. The two friends, fading headlamps pointed forward, set off deeper into the darkness, intent on discovering the fate of an artifact which would either prove to be their downfall or their rescue.

Chapter 6: Deep, Dark, and Fucking Dangerous

Two G’s in a Pod

Chapter 6: Deep, Dark, and Fucking Dangerous

By: Stillmatic and Lucius Seneca

Don flashed his headlamp forward and squinted, "Don't see anything..."

"Me neither," Will called out.

The two had been walking for quite some time and found themselves rejuvenated from their short rest. The medallions they recovered proved interesting, mysterious, and downright odd. Will was enveloped in a cool feeling that breathed fresh air into him, while Don kept a gentle warmth and very dull brightness around him. They both noticed it, but neither said anything as of yet regarding it. There was a weird, weighty feel to both necklaces that made them feel somewhat important, but they disregarded them nonetheless.

Their short walk eventually led them to a new passage, one that opened up greatly. Don whistled loudly in amazement while Will simply looked around at the sheer size of the chamber. It wasn't a moment later that there was some sort of earthquake, forcing the area they came from to collapse, destroying what was left of the purified area they came from. The ceiling above seemed to follow suit and both men quickly ran for their lives desperately. Will, feeling something wrong was about to happen, shoved Don to the right. The older human barely avoided a jagged rock that would have liquefied his body.

"FUCK!"

"KEEP RUNNING!" Will shouted.

And so they did, moving faster now. Pieces of rock and debris came down faster now, but they were soon in the clear, diving to the floor and into a tunnel before the entire area behind them collapsed, sending dust everywhere. They yanked their shirts up to prevent inhalation and continued forward. Things, they assumed, were only going to get progressively worse.

Mica nearly fell over as a massive earthquake took place far beneath her. Seeing as though it was the day off for miners, nopony was using any dynamite to clear rocks away. It ended within a minute and a half, but her legs continued to wobble uncontrollably before she settled for just sitting down for the time being. Blinking, she realized that this was a sign, one that could only mean one thing. A wide, immaculate smile was on her face now as she began jumping joyously.

"YES! THEY'RE STILL ALIVE!"

Her parading eventually got the attention of the other citizens around town, and word soon spread that the newest residents hadn't quite died just yet.

"So, you think there's something defending this artifact or something? I mean, something's going through all of this trouble to try and kill us..."

Will scratched at his head, trying to push out soot, "Maybe. Like a giant centipede?"

Don stopped and stared at him incredulously, "What? Seriously? That's your best guess?"

"Yeah."

"I don't even know how to res—" Don stopped speaking and looked forward, "Are those... shadows?"

Will narrowed his eyes, "Wait, there's more than two..."

Several more appeared and Don squinted against the inky collection of silhouettes only to fall backwards, eyes rolling up in his head as a shadowy figure reached a hoof out and brushed it against his chest. Will jumped into action and pulled his friend back as he focused his headlamp onto the silhouettes. They didn't seem to like the beam of light, but they didn't back away either, staying their ground several feet away, and continuing to block off the rest of the tunnel. Will ripped the light source from his head and set it down so it was pointed towards the ghostly figures, holding them at bay.

Don's skin was cold and clammy to the touch and Will grabbed his own head, pulling at his hair, "Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck." He pulled the backpack off his person and rifled through it, "Fuck, c'mon Cole, where the hell is it?"

He ripped the defibrillator out of the tangled mess of items and charged it, fumbling in the dark, hearing the telltale sound of magic. There was a loud snap and a meaty thunk as Will slammed the piece of magic-powered medical technology onto Don's chest, eliciting a jerk from him as it connected with the skin. Don jumped upwards, a hollow yell from his mouth as he sat upwards, hands waving blindly. Will gripped him by the shoulders and brought his hand back, slapping his older friend across the face.

"Snap the fuck out of it! Shit is getting very real in here, man, VERY FUCKING REAL!"

Don looked about in sweaty stupor, "Huh, what? I know nothing of it!"

"Zombie ghosts, bro! ZOMBIE. GHOSTS."

As if on cue, the equestrian silhouettes lunged forward menacingly, playing with the men. Will recoiled in disgust and was quickly followed by Don who snatched the things up which had spilled out of his bag. It wasn't a smart choice. As he turned to gather the items, he brushed against yet another ghost-like entity. His body jerked as if being electrified and he fell forward, sprawling over his backpack. Will felt his heart drop again and he pulled his friend and his backpack away from the silhouettes.

Will, with much effort and grunting, pulled Don over his shoulder and clutched at his comrade's backpack, pulling it along as he clutched at the token over his chest. For whatever reason, it seemed to glow brighter and the silhouettes backed away, glancing nervously about as the deep, throbbing blue light spilled outwards and bounced off the walls. And then a screaming orange glow joined the blue as Don's own symbol exploded with light. The silhouettes parted and folded against the walls, allowing the two friends to pass. Will struggled by and went as far as he could before succumbing to the tiredness, dumping Don on the ground before going for the defibrillator again. It buzzed loudly and soon Don was sitting up again, hands failing as he regained consciousness.

The magic pumped through his body and he was on his feet within a second. The next thing Will knew, he was being hoisted above Don's head and rapidly carried out of the tunnel and towards the next area. The only thing Will was able to make out from behind were the shadows taking their places again, settling in once more. Don ducked, just enough for Will not to hit his head on a rusted pipe. The duo continued for a while longer before Don collapsed in a large, spacious tunnel. Will tumbled off of him and rolled several times before noticing something.

"Don? Where the hell did you go?"

Will looked around frantically for his friend, but the emptiness of the room already showed him no trace. That is until he looked towards the opposite end and saw Don already there, throwing up to the side. Will got back on his feet and made to run, but was cut off as a tarry liquid dripped down onto his arm. He looked to his right and saw more drip down. A quick glance up was all he needed to distract him long enough before his hair flew up slightly as enormous walls nearly boxed him in, creating what seemed to be a large maze. The human was knocked off of his feet a second later as something landed near him, creating a shockwave.

Will reeled back, scraping against the dirty ground and pushing himself away, "W-W-WHAT THE FUCK?!"

Before him was the most inexplicably frightening thing he had ever seen, even in his wildest nightmares. The creature was bug-like, almost like a mantis standing on two legs with its frontal pincers ready to saw him apart. It was entirely black, dripping some unknown liquid, and the surface of it bubbled constantly. The head seemed to completely be one set of mandibles, constantly snapping over and over again. The abdomen was the most nightmarish part, however. It was literally torn down the middle, with sets of teeth lining the inside among several sharpened ribs.

Will found his throat dry all of a sudden, "D-Don! DON!"

It approached slowly, thinking it was in for an easy kill. The bug brought down a pincer where Will's chest once lied, just barely scraping his arm. He inhaled sharply and kicked the creature in the face with his boot, sending it back for a precious few seconds. Before it recovered, Will was already up and running through the maze. It quickly followed, hissing loudly along with the occasional chirp.

"WILL!"

The man in question nearly stopped running to answer, but corrected himself immediately, "WHERE ARE YOU, MAN?"

"LEAD IT HERE! FOLLOW THE AMULET!"

Will, much to his thanks, recalled the medallion and flipped it around. He realized that his asthma wasn't affecting him all as well, making the act of running an enormous amount easier. The back's design seemed to fade into nothingness, converting into a sort of sonar-like map in a matter of seconds. Three blips were on it, a blue one for himself, a yellow for what he assumed was Don, and a pure black dot that was closing in on him, far more than he expected. It became evident how close it truly was when he was knocked to the floor once again.

It loomed over him, ready to deliver a finisher. Though, it wasn't actually able to due to Will slamming his pick right into its chest maw. It shrieked loudly and Will was running again. He looked back to see the creature ripping out the tool in what looked to be an agonizing fashion. His eyes widened and he ducked, nearly getting decapitated by his pick. The human took a left, grabbing his pick from where it rested on a wall. In no time, Will was already near Don's position. He knew this once he was told to duck, which he complied to.

A bullet whizzed by his head and the bug fell over, hitting the ground hard. Will's chest was moving fast, with his heart thumping even quicker. Don ran over to the creature and pointed to what seemed to be an ore pulverizer on a conveyor belt.

"Turn that on when I say so!"

Will nodded his head and ran to the machine, hand over the button. Don placed several hooks in exposed areas of the monstrosity and checked them before running over to the other end of the pulverizer.

"TURN IT ON!"

The younger human did so, and the creature, who was regaining its strength, was being pulled into the pulverizer. It flailed several times before being crushed, proving it was truly solid, and mashed into a fine-grade of blackness. Don pressed down a lever, opening a hatch to the smelter. The dark powder fell in, eliciting several pops and hisses before several bricks of the material were deposited out of a chute. The smelter seemed to break down at that point, preventing further use. Don counted the bricks, finding fourteen in total.

He picked one up, finding it cool to the touch, "Think we should take these?"

Will recovered from his run but continued to sweat regardless, "No man, that thing nearly killed me!"

Don placed them in his bag towards the bottom, taking care it didn't destroy anything and finding it surprisingly lightweight, "Forget it, I'm taking them. Not passing up more loot to take back."

"Fine, your funeral. I don't want to be near that stuff."

Don sat down, relaxing against the wall, "Let's rest for a bit, ight?"

"Yeah... yeah, let's do that." Will muttered, sitting as well.

The duo began making small talk to pass the time along with eating some food. Little did they know their escapades were known far above them as well.

A black cloud of smoke erupted from a tube that ran to the deepest parts of the mine. Mica's coat seemed to glow as she grinned once more along with the other residents. Though, Silver Tongue seemed to be the happiest as he quickly calculated everything he'd need regarding their payment. While he was eager and completely willing to sacrifice others to obtain that which he wanted so much, he couldn't help but root for the two humans just to root for their survival. Things were working out splendidly.

"I've never seen this much reaction on an off-day!" Mica exclaimed loudly, receiving various sounds of approval. "They're so going to do it! They so are!"

It seemed that even more of the town began watching the mine for more signs, and they weren't about to be disappointed any time soon.

Will sprinted down the darkened tunnel, stumbling and cursing loudly as Don did the same, following his partner in crime. They could hear the sickening skittering and clicking from behind them as yet another mantis-like creature gave chase. The break had been cut short for the men, not knowing that a large hole in the rock ceiling was serving as the entrance for more horrid abominations. It hadn't taken long before they realized they weren't alone and they had been leading the monster on a merry chase for the past minute or so, medallions bouncing and jumping around their chests as they ran. Will ducked his head as a pipe whizzed by and Don followed suit, eyes widening as he watched Will vanish from sight, dropping into a decently large hole in the ground.

It was too late to stop for the other man and despite the grip on his boots, he teetered on the edge for a second before falling in, slamming hard into a sharp incline before sliding down into the darkness. Pebbles and exposed roots bit at exposed flesh and Don yelled out as he was sent flying out of the slide-like tunnel and into a small cavern, landing atop Will who groaned and shoved his friend away before crawling to his feet achingly. Neither man spoke as they observed the small cavern. Several fluorescent mushrooms glowed off to the side and Will was grateful for the light. Both he and Don had lost their headlamps, leaving them with only the faint glow of their strange medallions.

A small tunnel off to the right suggested an escape route and the men headed for it, knocking away some ancient planks of wood before crawling forward, sweat dripping down their foreheads as their heavy jackets trapped their body heat. Will pushed his way past an abandoned pickaxe only to be confronted by a decrepit skeleton. He yelled out in surprise as the skeleton rolled free from a large pile of dirt and looked at him tauntingly. Will kicked out in fright and struck Don in the face.

"Fuck! Watch where you're kicking, motherfucker!"

Will pushed the bones aside and continued forward "Sorry, man!"

The exit could clearly be seen now and the relatively small tunnel appeared to open up into a large, almost immeasurable cavern, natural rock pillars holding up the ceiling. Will stumbled outwards and promptly fell a small distance to the ground, rolling over several upturned mining carts before being deposited in a heap next to Don at the bottom. Both cursed loudly and thrashed in agony as pieces of razor sharp flint dug into them. Luckily, their clothing protected them well enough and they were standing once again although there was no more humor present upon their faces but rather a look of immediate, hazardous anger. They had had enough of mines, tunnels, injuries, and giant rock mantises for one day. They wanted out and they wanted it now.

It wasn't long before the duo spotted some type of makeshift pedestal at the back of the cavern. In fact, the entire cavern seemed odd. Large ballista’s seemed set around the room, large hooks attached to rope sitting on top, waiting to be shot forward. Will examined a nearby one and found it loaded.

"That's some Lord of the Rings shit right there. Helms Deep every day."

Don shook his head, "Never even watched it."

There was a shrug from Will and he pointed at the pedestal near the back of the cavern, "That the shit?"

"That the shit. Supposed to be a vase or something lying about. Real archeological type stuff."

Will looked please, "Shall we acquire the ducats?"

Don slapped him on the shoulder, "We shall."

The dynamic duo crossed the open area and stepped up the chiseled rock steps to a small, flat platform. There was a seemingly inconspicuous chest of plain wood on an even smaller raised platform. Will reached forward and popped the lid upwards and, using his symbol, illuminated the interior. Inside, a small, green vase of stone shone back dully from its place within. Don leaned closer and ran a finger over it, watching as the colors changed from green, to orange, to blue, and then back. Will clicked his tongue and closed the chest before shoving it under his arm.

"Time to leave this dank shithole."

Unfortunately, any plans of departure were cut short as a creature of nightmarish proportions came into view. For a moment it was difficult to see the hissing mouth, snapping mandibles, and long, hairy, gangly legs, but it slithered, or rather walked into view, climbing down from one of the many rock pillars in the cavernous room. Will felt his breath catch in his throat and if the vise-like grip of Don's hand on his shoulder was any indication, his partner was just as scared. The creature clicked its mandibles once more, coming into full view. It would have looked like a centipede if not for its sheer size. The body stretched for a length equal to that of a city bus, and its mandibles, hairy and coated with saliva, tapped each other with interest. A single eye stared at the duo, who looked back in frightened amazement.

"Will?" Don whispered.

"Y-Yeah?"

"We're fucked, aren't we?"

Will nodded, "Yeah. We are."

Just then, the centipede let out a roar, allowing for a repulsive whiff of its breath to reach them. The duo coughed several times before Don yanked the vase and pulled Will back, moving towards the exit. It already thought ahead of them and crashed its body against the tunnel from which they came, causing it to crumble and block their necessary exit. Will found Don's .38 shoved in his hand a moment later.

"Take that shit and use it if you need it! Come on! We gotta bring this mother fucker down!"

Will gripped the handgun, "But how?"

They leaped out of the way, barely dodging the monster that ran at them. Don looked around for anything that could help their situation and tried to devise a plan.

"You still got the dynamite?"

Will ducked under another attack, "Yeah!"

"We're breaking this thing open! Keep it busy!"

Don immediately ran towards the pedestal, moving to its side and hopping on a launching mechanism for the hooks. Will focused on distracting the massive centipede for as long as possible. His comrade, however, was busy commandeering a dangerous work tool.

Don pushed off an equine skeleton, muttering, "Excuse me, ma'am."

He hopped on, and aimed the harpoon-like hook at the creature, waiting for the right moment to take a shot. Will jumped out of the way as the centipede dove at him before burrowing into the ground. Don fired, launching the hook but failing in getting his shot. He reeled it back and, watching as his companion was doing the only thing he could do and continue evading attacks. The monstrosity loomed over Will, tempted to simply smash right into him and eat the pieces later. However, a well-aimed harpoon through its body completely prevented that. It was dragged to the floor, squirming in pain as green puss spilled out of its body.

Don hopped off the launcher and shouted to Will before moving to another, "GRAB THE HOOK AND PUT IT ON ITS JAWS! WE'RE TEARING THOSE FUCKERS OFF!"

Will, who was no longer jumping around and dodging, sprinted to another launcher and took a hook in his hand. The ground shook, causing him to trip on his back to the centipede. Several pieces of rock dropped down, barely missing him. Don ran to the monster and placed a hook underneath its mouth, where several, throbbing veins attached to a mandible. Will was there in the next second, already doing as he saw his friend do. The centipede rolled forward, kicking up dirt and forcing the two humans back.

Don ran to the ballista he just came from, "TURN THEM ON!"

Will did so, grunting as he pulled down a lever. Gears within both machines began turning, slowly pulling the hooks back. The centipede immediately began flailing itself around, thrashing against the ground and trying to break free from the grasp. In only a minute's time, the mandibles were yanked off, sending more puss onto the floor. It gave a throaty wail and slammed to the floor limply. Will, remembering what Don had asked earlier, ran forward with dynamite in hand. He tore off a piece of his shirt and wrapped the bundle together before lighting it and shoving it within the mouth of the centipede.

He turned and dived past Don, hitting the floor with his hands over his head, "GET DOWN!"

Don lied down quickly, just in time. A large explosion rocked the area, forcing another earthquake to occur as the centipede died from the devastation within its body. It seemed that its death spurred the current situation and now more of the ceiling was coming down. Both humans flipped around, right as a large slab, probably a dozen or so tons, flew down and obliterated most of the centipede's head, sending the single eyeball popping out and rolling to them. It seemed to shrink drastically right before them, getting to the size of a large grapefruit. Both were left in awe at what they just witnessed, as well as survived.

Don inhaled, nearly jumping to his feet in joy, "W-WE DID IT! WE DID IT!"

Will shoved the .38 between his belt and stomach, "I'm fucking sick of this shit. I want to go home."

The younger man seemed much less enthusiastic about the win, but after a pep talk from Don and a couple pats on the back, he too was feeling jubilant. Natural light was now streaming from the collapsed ceiling and Don shielded his eyes as he picked up the slippery eyeball, nerves still trailing from it. Will looked on in disgust as Don shoved the eyeball into his backpack before joining Will next to another hook throwing ballista.

There was a loud crack and the sound of rope being spooled out as it was shot upwards and out of the now open ceiling, vanishing somewhere over the side. Don pulled in the thick rope several times before ascertaining that is was safe to climb. The two men, despite being amateurs at such things, scaled the rope fairly quickly and soon they were out and in the open having successfully recovered their so-called artifact. Grass and trees punctuated by the occasional boulder surrounded the men and they let out a sigh of relief, finding themselves near the quarry where they had first begun their journey. They weren't totally lost after all.

Will cut the rope free and tossed the grappling hook, which had become lodged in some tree branches, back into the cavern. Both men stared down at the bloody scene before turning and navigating their way back to Somewhere. It was roughly fifteen minutes before they reached the hill which led down to the valley in which Somewhere was located, seen in the distant. Will pointed at Don accusingly.

"Don't you fucking push me this time."

The older man guffawed and soon the duo was at the bottom of the hill without incident. A glimmer in the grass caught Will's eye and he knelt down, recovering his phone from the ground. He pressed the power button and was surprised to see the slightly cracked screen light up.

"Huh. Thought it was broken when I threw it out."

The phone in question beeped loudly and the small image representing a text message appeared. The two men pulled their heads back in surprise and Will tapped on it, reading a message from an unknown number.

"Achievement Unlocked - In the Moonlight: You're a night person and you have a medallion of the moon to prove it. Whether you're out for a midnight snack or with a special someone, you've gained the ability to walk as quiet as a cat, and as an extra bonus for all your hard work, you turn near invisible in direct moonlight."

Silence followed the message, but before Don could say anything, his Blackberry vibrated loudly and he whipped it out, half smile on his face as he read the text, "Achievement Unlocked - Bright and Shining: You've come far and you have a medallion of the sun to prove it. It carries a cheery mood that rubs off on you, letting you interact with others on a more personal and influential level. And even when you're getting tired or hurt on your journey, you can always take a rest in the sun and get it all back."

Will looked over and read it before speaking, "Let's not even ask. Just let it be."

"Word. Creepy as fuck though."

The younger man hummed nonchalantly and soon the two friends were headed towards Somewhere once again where they would be hailed as heroes and would truly begin a journey which would change their lives.

Chapter 7: Long Goodbye's

Two G’s in a Pod

Chapter 7: Long Goodbye's

By: Stillmatic and Lucius Seneca

"That was pretty fun, right?"

Will gave Don a look, shaking his head before looking forward again. The town was now in sight and they took their time walking in, savoring what they just accomplished together. The cryptic messages they received on their phones was more than just creepy, but now was a time for celebration. Pessimism and paranoia could wait until later. While Will was just happy to make it out alive, Don's mind however was focused solely on collecting the reward they'd receive. Two and a half thousand bits were waiting for them, begging to be taken.

Their arrival within the town didn't go unnoticed though, and they were soon swarmed from all sides by both ponies and dogs alike. Cheers, whoops and other sounds of endearment filled the air, along with them as they were hauled upwards and paraded around. Much to their approval, various congratulations and other results of their success were heard just as much. In fact, one in particular caught both of their eyes. Mica stood before a line of a dozen or so ponies, getting bits handed to her by the sacksful.

Don hopped off a dog along with Will and walked up to the mare, who grinned at them, "You know, everypony bet entirely against you guys except for me and a few others like Mr. Abernathy or Dropatini."

"Dropatini? She betted on us?" Don asked, completely taken by surprise.

"Yup! We're getting our share in bits right now, thanks to you guys!"

Will opened his mouth to say something, but was rudely cut off by a certain stallion, "Mother of Celestia! You two've returned, and with the artifact, I hope!" Sir Silver Tongue trotted to the group, speaking over the loud chatter of the crowd, "Did you retrieve it? Is it in your hooves at this very moment?"

Don smiled smugly, "Hey Will, you feeling up to getting something to eat first?"

Silver Tongue was about to protest before Will returned the favor of what he did earlier, "You know what? Yeah, I could for something. Especially after all that."

"So it's decided!" Mica shouted. "Come on, let's head to my house and I'll whip up something nice for you two!"

The Canterlot aristocrat looked between the three as they walked away, shocked that they'd just played off the request in such a way. Still, he had to admit he had a twinge of respect for them, seeing as though the two somehow survived all of what he heard existed down in the Deep Mines. For now, Sir Silver Tongue just followed behind, waiting until he could finally receive the artifact he had been longing for years. Though he didn't know what to think of those two, he knew they were fairly useful now.

SCENE BREAK

Will forked another clump of angel cake into his mouth, "Jesus, this is some damn fine food."

Don nodded from across the table, chowing down on some lasagna, "I fuckin' love me some lasagna. You want some?"

"Never tried it." Will stated, "Pass me some."

There was a jaw dropping moment as Don heard the words "WHAT? You fucking serious? You've never tried it?" He shook his head, "Jesus, Will. It's easy as fuck to make.'

The brunette man shook his outstretched plate angrily, "Pile it on, bitch tits!"

A large steaming clump of lasagna landed with a plop on Will's plate. He ignored the disapproving looks from Don and scrounged down on the cheesy mess. There was a complimentary nod, "Not bad. Mica, you heated this up?"

The unicorn in question nodded from the head of the table, "Obviously. It's my own recipe too. Can't be beaten."

"I hate to interrupt you two, but I would appreciate at least seeing the artifact." Silver Tongue added with a touch of annoyance.

Don clicked his tongue in distaste, "Impatient as fuck." He rooted through the pack at his feet and removed the small chest, opening it and swiveling it atop the table to face Silver Tongue, "Happy now?"

The equestrian reared his head back in amazement as the vase's dull glow wafted out of the chest, tantalizing the greedy pony, "Oh sweet Celestia...That's really it! After all these years!"

Will snatched the chest away as Silver Tongue reached for it, "Not so fast, Sea Biscuit. You get it when we get the money."

"Fine, fine! Two thousand bits!"

There was some rummaging as Silver Tongue lifted several large, cloth bags onto the table. The jingle of the money within was easily heard, but Don sat back in his seat, unimpressed, "Where's the other five hundred?"

Silver Tongue's eyebrows shot up in feigned disbelief, "Five hundred? What are you talking about?"

Slamming his knife into the table, Don stood up and pointed a bony finger at Silver Tongue, "I know a guy like you. My friend's cousin." He looked over at Will, "You remember that cheap ass motherfucker?"

Will nodded grimly and stood up, snatching the vase from its confines, "Damn right I do. Scum of the earth. Really deserves to get his."

The younger man's knife was still in his hands as he hissed the last syllables, but Silver Tongue continued with the charades, "Gentlemen, please! Be rational!"

Will stepped around the table, tossed the knife onto it, and opened the front door, ignoring Mica's yells from behind him. A large crowd was still waiting outside and Will raised the vase high into the air, letting the changing colors dazzle the collected audience. He yelled out into the streets.

"Sir Silver Tongue has decided to swindle us again! So, who wants these nice pretty vase? Free of charge!"

Screams and shouts of wanting came from the crowd and Will seemed about to hand it off when Silver Tongue relented and pulled him back inside "Stop that!" He huffed loudly. "Fine, yes, another five hundred. It will take some time, but you'll have it."

As Will headed back inside, Don accidentally elbowed his backpack, knocking the eyeball out from inside. The two ponies watched it stare back at them as it rolled across the table, bouncing off of the sides of pitchers and other containers. It teetered over the edge and fell right into Don's hand as he plopped it back onto the place where Mica ate, a squishing sound being made in the process. He held it up to his face and moved it in random directions, with the eye following each movement and still staring at him.

Instead of being thoroughly disturbed, Don smiled in interest, "Cool. It likes me."

Silver Tongue swallowed, finding his throat suddenly parched, "I-Is that what I t-think it is..?"

"I don't believe it..." Mica added, "How? How did you two get that?"

Will sat down at his seat and set the vase back into the chest, "What? The eye?" They both nodded furiously, "This guy took it when a rock hit that centipede and crushed its head."

Don didn't take his eyes off the ocular orb in his hands, "Splat."

Silver Tongue grabbed a handkerchief from his breast pocket and immediately began patting away a sweat build-up. His mind was reeling at the thought that they had actually survived an encounter with the only thing that could produce that eye, let alone kill it. Mica was feeling different however, and an immense sense of relief and gratitude overcame her. She got off of her chair and pulled both of them into a hug, squeezing tighter than they thought possible from the small equines.

"Thank you both so much..." The mare whispered, "This means so much to me."

While Silver Tongue was still trying to grasp the concept in front of him, Will returned the hug, "Why?"

Mica cleared her throat and sat back down, smiling slightly, "Well, that thing you killed was the Perennialpede. It controlled the Deep Mines for decades and killed anypony who went down by manipulating the environment with its powers." A twinge of solemnness showed up on her face, "You saw the ghosts, right? They attacked you?"

Don turned pale at the memory, "Yeah..."

"Don't blame them. It wasn't their fault. I guess they got so crazy from their souls being held there by the Perennialpede that they wanted to sap the life from anything they could get their hooves on."

"But what does this have to do with us getting the eye?" Will asked, somewhat intrigued.

She sighed, "My parents were in that group of ghosts too..." The room's air turned awkward and melancholy, "They went down there for the rescue and didn't come back, and I knew what happened to ponies who got stuck down there and died. That thing forced them to serve it in that limbo and-and I just want to thank you two for killing it." Mica smiled, looking on the verge of tears now, "Really, you did something I can't ever pay you back for."

Don extended his hand, presenting the eye to her, "Want it? You can have it if you want."

Mica wiped at her eyes, "No, I'd rather not. I just want to put ever having to think about that thing behind me now."

"Though," Silver Tongue began, still eyeing it with saucer eyes, "I would be willing to buy that as well."

Will gave him a confused look, "Really? What's so important about the eye of a centipede?"

The director's head snapped to him immediately, "What! How could you even ask that? It's the eye of a Perennialpede! Do you realize how rare a creature those are? They nearly never step within the boundaries of Equestria and only populate the deepest and darkest caverns! The fact you slayed it is an intoxicating mystery in itself, but I won't look a gift pony in the mouth. I offer seven hundreds bits for the eye."

Don turned to Mica, "What do you think? Good deal?"

She nodded, "It's an exceptionally rare occurrence for a Perennialpede to be found or killed, but you guys somehow did it." Mica turned to the stallion nearby, "You pay them that, and credit them for each of their 'donations' in the museum on the plaque with the description."

Too eager to refuse, Silver Tongue quickly spoke, "Yes, yes, credit, all that. Agreed then? Seven hundred for the eye, twenty-five hundred for the artifact?"

Both humans stood up and shook his hoof, with Will speaking, "I think we have a deal. Nice doing business with you."

Don smirked, "Oh yes, the very lucrative kind of business."

"Splendid!" Silver Tongue teleported a large bag of bits and counted off how many would be needed to add to the current amount on the table. He quickly calculated it with his magic, followed by Mica, and teleported his sack of gold away. The director aligned his hat with a wide smile and readjusted his monocle accordingly, "I do believe we're done. If either of you are in Canterlot, stop by. I'm sure the visitors won't mind seeing the two explorers who found these rare pieces." He lit his horn, preparing a teleportation spell for himself back to Canterlot, "Oh, and if you find any more items of interest, do feel free to contact me so we can work some sort of deal out." He gave a polite nod to all of them, "I bid you adieu." A flash of light later, he was gone.

Don riffled through the cloth sacks filled to the brim with bits, "This is so dope. We're rolling in it."

He chuckled to himself, and soon the trio got to celebrating as well. And for that night and many others, times seemed to go by quicker than they imagined.

SCENE BREAK

One Month Later…

Will clasped the glowing martini in one hand, joint smoldering between his fingertips as he stared out of the private viewing box with bloodshot eyes, leaning forward in his seat, obviously very concentrated on the play occurring in front of him. He squinted through the hazy blue smoke and smiled absentmindedly, sipping politely on his magic-infused drink.

"That guy doing the sword play is amazing."

Next to him, Don was puffing away on his own joint, his drink nearly finished. He nodded slowly in agreement to Will's observation, "Parry, thrust, parry, thrust."

Will blew air noisily out of his lips, "Counter! Hit!"

The two men pretended to have been struck by a rapier and squirmed in their seats jokingly. Eventually the fit subsided and they went back to watching. Several minutes passed and two more drinks were poured from a large bottle. The curtains swung forward and covered the stage. Realizing that the intermission period had come, Will clapped loudly and boisterously, quickly followed by Don.

The audience below dissipated and journeyed out for snacks and beverages while some remained seated, preferring to relax and keep their seats for the moment. Will looked over at Don, "So this is it, huh?"

Don swirled the drink around in his glass, thinking over what Will said, "I guess so. I think we've just about become made men in this little town of Somewhere, you know?"

There was hum of agreement, "I'm with you on that. You think that there’s more to see? More to do?"

"Yeah. We've done everything there is to do here. Maybe we should go around and see more of this damn place. We got the money to do it."

Will sipped at his drink, “Let’s go see Mica and ask if she knows any places.”

"Ight, I'm down for that. But is it too late to see her? Or is she here in the theatre?"

Will threw his hands up, "It's only like eleven. She's probably at home."

Don took another sip, laughing a little from the magic, "Coolio, when you wanna go?"

"When the stars align. Nah, just playing. Let's peace out now."

Don emptied his glass straight into his mouth and grabbed his backpack, "Word, I'm starting to not like this the more I remember that I didn't get the lead part."

There was a laugh, "You can't act for shit. Let's go.”

The duo left the private box and headed down a hallway towards a flight of stairs. After they reached the bottom and left through the side-entrance, Don passed by a young couple that Will definitely recognized. The stallion looked away, looking embarrassed while his female friend glared at the younger human.

Don snorted in amusement and handed the key to the private box to the mare, "Go and do something in there; you're welcome."

Before either pony could react, the two were already walking away. The trip to Mica's house was short, but it didn't matter all that much. At least, not as much as it would have. In the remote town of Somewhere, it was already the beginning of Spring. Due to this, the mountains passes that were blocked by insufferable amounts of snow were unblocked, due to the breezy, dry weather. Neither man required a jacket and simply walked around in clothing made by the tailor near their apartment.

In a few minute's time, they had arrived and knocked, waiting for an answer. The familiar sound of clambering hooves along with Mica shouting something became a regular thing recently for the two, with them visiting the mare relatively often. She swung open the door and smiled broadly.

"Hey, you two! What're you guys doing here so late?"

Don leaned against the door frame, "Just came to talk. Mind if we come in?"

"We have a few questions and you're the only one who knows this general region well enough to give us the answers," Will added.

Mica stepped aside, "Sure! Come on in!" As the two humans walked inside, she felt herself wonder what it was they wanted to ask, "So, you guys got any specific questions or are you just shooting for general ones?"

Don bobbed his head from the right to the left and right several times for emphasis, "Weeeelllll... We sort of want to leave Somewhere and go around this place."

The answer hit Mica hard, but she concealed it beneath a forced smile "Oh, well, yeah. I could give you some directions." She pointed a hoof at the kitchen table "Grab a seat while I go rustle up some maps."

The friends thanked her and took their respective seats, Will stared in surprise at his companion "I thought she'd be upset."

Don shrugged, "Maybe she doesn't like us after all."

The two men shared a disbelieving chuckle as Mica searched her own private study. She could hear them laughing and talking as friends would, but they seemed far too at ease with their decision to leave and it wounded her even more. She wasn't one to make close friends often and those two strange diamond dogs were certainly her best ones. Leaving Somewhere meant probably never returning. The terrain was rough and the cities had compelled more than one traveler to stay instead of returning. Of course, her two friends saying they were leaving soon was only adding to the already terrible night for the unicorn. Mica shook her head and pulled a large sheaf of papers from a writing desk before heading back to the dining room.

She levitated the papers over and Will grabbed one at random, unfolding it casually. The bickering lines of longitude and latitude confused him so he set it down and gave Mica a moment to get organized. She seemed slightly flustered, cheeks colored and telekinesis seemingly shaky. She kept dropping the maps and muttering apologies under her breath until she finally took a seat and dropped her head with a loud sigh.

Both men noticed, though Don was the first to say anything, "You alright? Something wrong?"

Will added to the questioning, "Yeah, you seem...off."

There was a long pause before Mica broke out into rapid speech, "It's just that there was this colt and he said some stuff and I can stand up for myself you know, but I just couldn't find the words, and you guys are leaving all of a sudden, and, and..."

Her voice trailed off until Don spoke up again, eyes icy, "Where does this dude live?"

There was a mumbled address and Will scrawled it down casually before stepping around the table and laying his hands on Mica's shoulders, "Just calm down. Don and I forgot that we had to talk to Dropatini before coming here so we'll be back in a bit. Stay put."

"Yeah," Don added, "Just chill out here for a bit."

And then they left, Will handing Don the address as they marched down the street, fingers tingling.

SCENE BREAK

Several minutes later, the two humans were walking into Madame Dropatini's nightclub, trying to remain inconspicuous. They didn't really attract much attention other than a few greetings from friends, but remained unnoticed for the most part. Will sat at a stool while Don went behind the counter, eyeing around the club for their target.

"Isn't it your day off?"

Don was broken from his searching by another bartender, a certain mare named Smooth Malt. She was a chocolaty brown color with an abundantly curly mane that was just a shade lighter in comparison to her coat. She was currently shaking up a drink, smiling at her coworker innocently. Don looked around for a second more before meeting her eyes.

"Yeah. We're looking for someone."

"Who?"

Will pulled out a piece of paper with writing on it, "Guy's name is Rocky Head. Pink coat, orange mohawk, Earth pony. Dad's a mining magnate who does business with the town."

Smooth Malt's face went sour, "Oh. Him."

Don made himself and Will a drink, "Don't like him much?"

She poured the drink she was shaking into a glass and passed it to a pony waiting nearby, "No one does, but we only tolerate him because of his dad. The Madame hates him though, a lot. Only reason she allows him in is because she doesn't want to hurt business between Somewhere and other towns." Malt began working on another drink, grabbing glasses and another, clean container, "He always acts like a real jerk and stuff, too! Hits on the mares even if they're with a stallion! Him and his friend are getting too darn much."

"Where are these guys?" Will asked, getting to the point.

She nodded her head to his left, "See for yourself."

Will looked back towards an area with dance cages and raised platforms. There were two stallions, one fitting the description and the other an olivey pegasus with a neon green mane, sitting at a lounge area with several, uncomfortable mares near them. The females obviously didn't want to be anywhere near the two, but forced themselves to stay regardless. The two humans finished their drinks and headed over to investigate.

Both Will and Don sat down at the booth next to the group, listening in. The two stallions shooed away the mares temporarily, wanting to talk to themselves for a few minutes.

"Yeah, so I see this one bitch who looked pretty damn good an hour or two ago, and the craziest thing happened."

"What? She bit you?"

"No! I can't remember that dumb cunt's name... Think it was Riga or Miga or some stupid shit like that."

"So what of her?"

"Right, I take her over at the back like I usually do with the mares, you know? I 'persuade' her a bit, and line myself up on her. Right as I'm about to bust into her, she starts squirming and goes nuts! Starts shouting like she's scared, has this really weird look on her face and tries to buck me away. So I slapped her."

Don bit his bottom lip, barely able to hold the need to hurt that stallion in. Will was no different as he gripped the table, trying not to lose his cool just yet. The stallion continued.

"Bitch ran away after that and I didn't see her again. Stupid of her. Would've made it the best night of her pathetic excuse of a life, too."

"Now?" Will hissed.

"Now," his friend confirmed.

The two stood up from their seats and went to the table next to them, standing in front of the two perpetrators. The stallions gave them questioning looks before laughing.

"Ugh, I knew they let those smelly mutts into the town to work the mines, but I didn't think they'd let the ones this ugly into it!"

"The fuck did you say, bitch?" Don asked, planting a palm on the table with more force than needed. "Because all I heard was you talking shit about our friend."

Will narrowed his eyes at the two, "We don't like what you've done or what you've said."

The other stallion, the friend, guffawed loudly, "HAH! And what're you two gonna do about it?"

"Get the fuck up now."

The first stallion nodded his head and stood, "No problem with me, mutt."

His friend followed immediately and there was a sudden silence in the club. No sound, not even any music, was heard. Both pairs stared off, waiting for some non-verbal signal to begin the inevitable. That signal was heard universally when one of the stallions smashed a bottle of whisky against the table with his teeth, holding it menacingly.

Don patted his buddy's arm, keeping his eyes on his enemies, "Which one you want?"

"Which do you want?"

"The bitch."

"Both of them?"

"Yeah."

And then the pair of humans threw themselves forward. Will slammed his weight into the green pegasus and Don followed suit on his own target. The bar erupted with yells and cheers as the fight started and soon fists and hooves were flying. Will had been in two fights his entire life, both to protect his ego. One he had lost badly, but the other he had won. Still, it didn't make him much of a fighter but there was a darkness coursing through his veins now, something which clotted his blood and made his vision darken.

His opponent threw a hoof at his face, connecting with Will's jaw, but the human barely noticed and instead of retreating, he tackled the pegasus onto the table behind him, slamming a fist down into his mouth, chipping a tooth and splitting a lip. Behind him, Don was holding his own against the magnate's son, having disarmed the arrogant youth of his makeshift weapon. Both were sporting bruises, but Don wasn't feel much of anything. He could hear his heart beating rapidly, pushing adrenaline through his veins as he directed an elbow into the stallion's face, shattering his once-pristine appearance. All around the bar ponies were yelling, cheering for the humans to teach the two youths a lesson. It was at that point that things turned deadly serious.

Will had ripped the .38 revolver out from under his belt and brought it down on the pegasus' chest sharply, eliciting a loud gasp as the sternum bruised badly. Next the weapon found itself being slammed against the stallion's face. Will's eyes were wild and his medallion was swinging with the blows as he brought the weapon's handle and body against the face of his opponent again and again, cracking his jaw, splitting skin, breaking his nose, bloodying his face. Soon there were cries for mercy, but Will was having none of it and he pulled the pegasus from atop the table and deposited him on the floor where he began stomping on his chest, stomach, breaking his wings, fracturing ribs. It wasn't long before the insulting offender was nearly unconscious, laying in a pool of his own blood, but still alive as evidenced by his fluttering eyelids and quiet gasps of pain. Will knelt down and seized the pegasus by the hair, pointing a finger at his face.

"I could fucking kill you, man!" He slammed a fist into the already mutilated face "If you ever come around here again or bother my friend, I’m gonna cut a hole in your fuckin' throat and look for the words 'I'm sorry!' inside! You understand me, motherfucker?"

Will brought back the pistol one last time and drove it into the pegasus' face, knocking him unconscious before standing to watch Don fight the other stallion. For the magnate's son, his own arrogance and cockiness had blocked him from seeing that he was fighting a creature nearly double his size, a creature which was fueled by rage. Don brought his arm up, knocking the stallion onto his hind legs, and drove a fist into the soft underbelly which was undoubtedly filled with alcohol. The stallion doubled over as the wind was knocked out of him, but Don wasn't giving him any chance to steady himself. There was a loud snap as the fist connected with the bridge of a nose, snapping it cleanly and sending a spray of blood outwards. Don ignored the substance spraying onto his face and, in his rage, grabbed the stallion, turned, and slammed him onto the ground with a throw.

Both humans were there at that point. Boots connected with exposed ribs, a soft stomach, legs, and a face with a painful expression. Every time the men found an open spot, they attacked with their feet and their hands, Don getting down on one knee, hammering away with the heel of his hands. The stallion would attempt to cover his stomach, but would leave his face exposed, allowing the duo to bring their fury down upon the open surface. It went like that for some time until a crowd pulled the men away, but it didn't end there. Will and Don ripped away from the hooves grabbing at them and attacked the moaning stallion again.

Screaming was filling the bar now. There was no more cheering. Blood was pooling onto the dance floor, tables had been broken, bottles lay shattered, and still the men attacked. Eventually they were pulled away, but Don screamed out at the barely-conscious stallion who was lying on his side, face swollen and bleeding.

The Madame walked out from behind the bar, rushing over to the two stallions and looking back at the two humans, "WHAT DID YOU DO?! ARE YOU CRAZY?"

Don looked at her and gave a grunt of disgust, "I quit, by the way." Don spat at his opponents, dislodging some blood from his mouth, "If you tattle to your dad about this and hurt the economy of this town, we'll be back for both of you, and it won't be pretty in the fucking least."

Will nodded, “Watch yourselves.”

They ended their talking there and left, leaving behind the ponies staring in a mix of shock and fear. Pushing open the doors, Don wiped away some blood on his face with his arm. Neither said anything as they headed back to Mica’s house, that is, until Will broke the silence.

“Did we go too far just now? Why did we get so violent?”

“Blame it on the drinks.” Don muttered, too tired to think of another reason.

And so they continued onwards, bleeding slightly and wanting to sleep. It was quite the interesting night for them.

SCENE BREAK

Will opened the door to the house, stepping inside and greeting the mare within alongside Don, “Hey Mica. You have a bathroom here?”

She stared at them wordlessly, a look of surprised horror on her face. The two humans were battered quite a bit, with bruises and cuts lying all over them. Blood was splattered on their bodies and they looked as if their energy was near depleted at this point. She already knew what they had done, and her current feelings faded away, only to be replaced by another bout of gratitude.

Mica smiled softly and pointed to a hallway nearby, “Second door on the left.”

“Thanks,” Don said as they walked into the bathroom.

The water spilled out from the faucet. Will and Don ran their hands under the cool water and watched as the dried blood was washed off and into the basin, revealing the split knuckles and bruised skin. Neither man said anything in the way back to Mica's nor had they said anything to her as they simply opened the door and entered her bathroom, ignoring her startled looks as they passed her by in the hallway, still bloody and bruised. Don slowly picked up a damp hand towel and ran it over his face and hands.

Will set the .38 pistol on the sink's edge. Blood covered its chrome body and laminated black handle. It was quickly run under the water and Will took the extra time to clean the five bullets left. He shoved them back into the cylinder and spun it, listening to the clicks as it spun around. He stared at the mirror and the tired reflection in it.

"I could have killed him. I think I could have killed them, Don."

Don set his now pinkish hand towel down, "Me too."

"Don," Will said quietly, "That pegasus will never look the same. Should I feel bad?"

"No."

Will nodded slowly and turned, leaving the bathroom with Don as he pushed past the swinging door.

When Mica saw them as they were about to sit down at the table, she hopped up and tackled them to the floor. Will had the wind knocked out of him while Don winced, grunting loudly as his back collided with the hardwood floor. For a pony, her death-hug was surprisingly powerful, made more intriguing by the fact Earth ponies were meant to be the strongest equine race.  She squeezed tightly, her embrace nearly choking her friends.

Don returned the hug, barely ripping his arms free, "What's with the hug?"

Will, however, actually felt a moistness on his shirt, "Are you crying?" She nodded, her muzzle rubbing against him, "Why?"

Mica sniffled and got off of them, letting both get up and sit down along with her at the table, "You guys... I don't know what to say. You guys are such good friends to me, doing what you did... I've only known you guys for like, over a month and I just can't!"

Don looked at Will in confusion, "Can't what?"

"Say bye," she mumbled, "I know you guys wanna see the rest of the world, but I'm gonna miss you guys soooo much. Can't you guys stay?"

Will shook his head tiredly, "No, we need to find answers."

"Ones we can't get here," Don added, "Besides, we'll be back."

"You're just saying that to spare my feelings..." Mica replied dejectedly.

"No, we're going to come back. Promise." Will smiled, trying to get the mare to return it.

She did after a long pause and sniffled, "Well, I suppose you two want to get this info now. But if you don't mind me asking, why do you guys wanna leave Somewhere?"

Don rested on a fist, "To find a way back home." He frowned, contemplating whether or not telling the truth was the best option, "Let me ask you something, Mica. Have you ever heard of a 'human'?"

"Well, yeah, but that's because of a friend in Canterlot who studied the myths at the university there."

"Alright, let me put this bluntly." He gestured to himself and Will, "We're humans."

"W-What?"

Will shrugged broadly and sat up, "Don and I are humans." He extended and contracted his fingers for good measure, "It's really not that big of a deal."

Mica's jaw dropped, "N-Not a big deal? NOT A BIG DEAL?! THAT'S TOTALLY A BIG DEAL!" Her head landed on the table, "I can't believe I didn't notice this earlier..."

Don patted her shoulder, "Listen, we need to find a way back home. That's why we have to leave Somewhere, so we can find answers."

"Home? You guys aren't from Equestria?"

There was a shrug from Will, "Nope. Don's a dirty capitalist and I'm a socialist-anarchist mix."

Don scoffed, "That's not even fuckin' possible."

"B-But what does that even mean?! Why can't you two just tell me this straight?"

"Because," Will began, "You wouldn't understand."

"Of course I would!" She shouted, "Just because I'm a mare doesn't mean I can't understand this kind of stuff!"

Will looked at Don in confusion, "Did you hear that right? Just because she's a mare doesn't mean she can't understand?"

Don looked at Mica, "Wait, what the hell does that matter? It's not like we think you're unintelligent or something."

Mica slammed her hoof down onto the table, "Then tell me!"

Hands now up and in a slightly mocking stance, Will spoke "We're humans. What more is there to tell?"

"From where?!"

“Does it matter?” Will asked innocently.

"YES!"

Don slammed his fist down, "FUCK THAT! I PLEAD THE FIFTH!" He turned to Will and whispered into his ear, "I don't think you can plead the Fifth, you're not an American citizen."

"So, like, I don't know what to plead." Will's face took on a look of thoughtfulness, "I have the right to remain silent."

Mica let her head drop, sighing in exasperation, "Ugh... Why can't you just tell me?"

Don sat back on his chair and took a sip of water, "What's there to say? We're humans from what's probably another planet."

Her head slowly lifted, looking blank and stoic, "Another planet?" They nodded, "I-I don't know what to say..."

Will stood up, having been seated on the floor, "OooOooooOooo! Don't say anything. We're actually ghosts of the long dead human race!"

Don began chanting random words, "OOOOoooOhhhoo! We're the split personality of Denzel Washington in a ghostly form! Fear our skills!"

Shock and fear coated Mica's face "W-what! Really?!"

Don began turning over furniture in her living room, "YES!"

Will, however, was spinning plates on his fingers, "OOOooohooooO!"

Mica stumbled off of her chair, face pale with fright "Oh, Celestia! G-ghosts! Ghosts!"

"WHY DO YOU THINK WILL IS SO PALE? WOOOOO!" Don shouted as he stacked several chairs on a coffee table.

"FUNNY," Will yelled back. "HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN OUR GHOSTLY HOWLS?"

The mare covered her head with her hooves, "Nononononono..."

Mica had curled into fetal position by the time Will was pretending to make snow angels on her kitchen table, "Freak to this motherfucker!"

Don was tearing the cushions off the couches and tossing them into the air, "Let's get it onnnn!"

It was at the point that Will leapt from the table and rolled himself up with the rug "If you don't wanna party," He began before running and sliding down the hallway, "Then yo ass gotta goooo!"

Don kept himself busy as well, and he readily climbed on top of the fridge, "We don't give a what, what!" He began throwing assorted fruits from up above, "WHAT!"

Will kicked himself free of the rug and stood up, raising his hand up to Don for a high five, "You feel good? I feel good.”

Don's hand met Will's with a loud slap, "Hell yeah I do!"

The older man climbed down from atop the fridge and joined Will in the dining room once again, looking down at the shaking Mica, "We're just kidding."

Mica stopped fidgeting as her eyes widened. She stared at them for a good minute before she snarled and shot a blast of magic at the two, "YOU IDIOTS!" It landed perfectly, hitting both of them and knocking them off of their feet. "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'D DO THAT!"

Will was kicking out in humorous pain as the sparks of energy jumped about his chest, "Totally w-worth it!"

"Oh yeah." Don muttered, wincing as his body jerked several times, "S-So worth it."

Mica was about to deliver another but stopped herself short. She stared at the two, seeing that their antics were meant to be all in good fun. It took quite a bit of willpower, but she decided to be the bigger pony and see past their behavior.

"You two are so... ugh..."

The younger portion of the dynamic duo stood up shakily, knocking over the hastily built chair tower in the process, "Ugh?" He looked down at Don who was groaning under several wooden chairs, "Oh shit."

Will pushed the furniture off of his older friend and helped him to his feet, addressing Mica all the while, "As I was saying, ugh? If anything, I’m a meh."

Don brushed himself off, "I'm more of a 'oh fuck, oh fuck', you know?"

Mica glared at the two, "Why'd you guys keep this a secret from me for so long? I wouldn't have thought any different of you just because you aren't dogs or ponies."

"Yeah," Will looked over at Don "I'm sure the 'oh fuck, oh fuck' was going through your mind when that dude grabbed a handful of your ass." The young Canadian looked back over Mica, "It wasn't anything personal. We just didn't feel the need to say anything.'

Don frowned, "Better than being body-slammed into a wall and groped by a mouth, huh?" He turned his attention to the mare now, "Listen, it was better off if we didn't say shit because at least that way, we won't get treated like threats or outcasts. It worked out great in the end."

"I-I guess." Mica looked down, thinking, "... Well, I suppose you two want directions to another town, right?"

Will looked at his partner with a sad look on his face, "Yeah. We do."

Mica swallowed, sorting through papers quickly as she felt her eyes well up, "O-Okay... The two closest places are Dodge Junction to the South-West, and its forty miles away. Stalliongrad is to the east and is thirty miles away." She gave them a pleading sort-of look, "Do you guys really gotta go?"

Don nodded, "Kinda. We need to get back to our world."

There was reluctant, almost sullen agreement from Will, "We'll be back. Maybe a few months at most."

Mica sighed, "Still, I'll miss you guys. A lot." She gave a sad smile, "I know, I'm surprised too."

Don placed a hand on her shoulder, "Trust me, we'll be back before you know it. Can't abandon our first friend here."

Will did the same to Mica's opposite shoulder, "Too empathetic for that. We'll miss you too, but this is something we have to do. It's a road we have to walk. I don't know if the answers are at the end or not, but we're walking it regardless. For better or for worse."

Mica sniffled, wiping away some newly-formed tears, "No, no, I understand. You two need to do what you need to do. I just wish you'd told me earlier."

Don winced at her, not comfortable with seeing her emotions, "Listen, we have lives to get back to. We can't leave them behind, and we have to try and get back no matter what."

The Canadian released Mica from his grip and ran a hand over the back of his neck, "A few months at the maximum, alright? Besides, we'll send you postcards and, uh, that kind of stuff."

Mica continued with more sniffling, "Ugh, it's just so hard. You guys are like the best friends ever had, apart from the whole lying business."

Will protested that, "We didn't lie! We just dodge around the truth."

Don nodded, "Exactly, it's the system's fault for making us feel the need to do that. We most definitely are not to blame for anything."

She nodded, "Fine, fine... Which place do you two want to go to? Dodge Junction or Stalliongrad?"

"Dodge Junction," they both said simultaneously.

"Uh, what?"

Don shook his head, "No way in hell I'm going to place named after Stalingrad. Fuck Stalin."

"Word." Will added, "Greasy, icy Russians all up in your face, making sure you forget about the Ukrainians. Never forget, man. Never forget."

Mica didn't have a clue what the reference was, but she took it in stride, "Well, alright." She handed Don a map, "This is the route to Dodge Junction."

Don took it, "Thanks. So, time to get going?"

She looked at a clock and went deadpan, "It's past midnight."

The man shrugged, "At least we won't hit traffic."

Will grinned tiredly, "We better go. The 5-0 is gonna be asking around for us soon."

There was a small smile from Mica, "Thanks again for that."

"No problem." said both men simultaneously.

They kneeled down and hugged the mare, who still looked quite teary-eyed, "I'll miss you guys."

"Same." Don muttered.

"We'll be back, don't worry about that." Will added.

The two men stood up and entered the hallway before pausing at the door for one last hug. Mica was crying openly now, salty tears spilling down a usually tough visage. It had been a rough night for her. Will smiled and wished her well, Don following suit before stepping onto the darkened street. The two men turned and headed down the slope while Mica watched from the doorway, her shadow cast out over the cobblestones.

[SCENE BREAK]

Don and Will stripped off their bloodstained suits and shoved them into their mining backpacks which they had emptied out, ridding themselves of the equipment which they would no longer need. They were hurrying now, hands shoving spare clothes and provisions into the bags, pulling on their baggy mining clothing which was far more suited for traveling than a suit or tuxedo.

The .38 was tossed to Don who shoved it between his belt and lower back before pulling the bag over his shoulder. There was a loud knocking on the door and an unneeded, "Royal Guards! Open up you two!"

Will froze before backing up into the large window. He jumped at the impact and watched as don shoved a dresser in front of the door. The window broke with a loud smash and Will climbed through muttering curses as he cut himself before plummeting onto the small flowerbed below. Mr. Abernathy would have a fit. Don tossed down his backpack and lowered himself down before turning and joining Will as they jogged through the alleyway, eventually crossing several main streets before breaking out onto the grassy valley.

They slowed when they had crossed the expanse and climbed the hill tiredly, Don ripping the map from his pocket as he examined where to go. The light from his Blackberry helped to illuminate the paper and soon the duo was atop the hill, looking over yet another, rockier valley below. Will's phone buzzed loudly and he removed it hastily, checking the incoming text message.

"Achievement Unlocked - The Whole Wide World: You're about to set out on a journey with your best friend. It may take years for you to find the answers you seek, but never lose faith in each other. To help you on your journey, both your endurance levels have been raised. Good luck."

The same message soon originated on Don's phone. Both men were severely creeped out by the message, but even worse was the fact that they felt slightly stronger, no longer out of breath. Don looked over at his partner, "Who the fuck...Never mind, we need to double back and get the shit outta my car."

Will nodded, "Okay, alright. Let's fucking do this."

The two men ran towards the quarry, preparing to begin a journey which would prove to be the most difficult thing they had ever undergone.

Chapter 9: Retoxication

Two G’s in a Pod

Chapter 9: Retoxication

By: Stillmatic and Lucius Seneca

Cherry picking has always been a rather deadbeat business. This isn't to say that it doesn't bring in any profit, but rather that it doesn't bring in a sizable profit. Whether it is simply because cherries don't grow well in arid climates or the fact that workers despise the job itself remains unknown. For Don and Will, the self-dubbed "Dynamic Duo", the job was exactly what they had expected. Long hours, low wage, exposure to a blazing desert sun, and constant exhaustion. Will barely managed to stumble through the day without throwing in the proverbial towel time and time again.

Don, however, seemed to enjoy the hard work and had made friends with many of the other, burly workers who roamed around the orchards, removing the cherries from the trees before sending them off to conveyer belts and mills. Currently the two humans were situated in the northeastern corner of the orchard picking as they always did. Their current tree, a large and obviously older one, was swarming with thick, bulbous and hairy ants that constantly nipped the exposed hands at the tore the ripened fruit away. Will let out an irritated "Fuck" as yet another ant dug its mandibles into the flesh of his palm.

Don smacked one from his shoulder, "Bastards."

A shower of them rained down from a branch as it swung backwards, handful of cherries ripped from the branch. Will threw himself backwards, clawing at his eyes, "Fuck! Dick smacking motherfuckers!"

Don too was brushing the ugly insects from his hair and face in a frenzy of humor filled fear. Soon both men were rid of their annoying pests and decided it was better to move off to another section where the trees weren't crawling with ants as thick as a pinky finger. Break time would be in another hour or so judging by the angle of the sun. Will yawned loudly and hefted the woven basket of fruit before propping himself up against a tree, catching the red and yellow rain as Don shook and pulled the branches from a foldable ladder.

Both men had been invited into town later that night for drinks with a few of the town's cuter mares. Normally they wouldn't mingle with a different species, but they didn't want to lounge around in their rented rooms for any longer than needed. It seemed that every insect imaginable roamed the town. Spiders, ants, beetles, all hairy and oversized for life in a desert wasteland. Will had briefly mentioned getting another gun, but after a little asking around, and many confused faces from random citizens, both he and Don had abandoned the possibility.

Don sipped at his drink, trying to displace the dirty taste from his mouth. Then again, it was probably a bad idea to do so with the drink that gave you that taste in the first place. He pushed away the glass and shuddered, with the bartender taking notice.

Lila Tequila, a light-purple bartending mare, rolled her eyes playfully, "I take it you don't like the kick?"

"Not really. Got any Patron?"

He received a blank look, "Uh, what..?"

"Something smoother?"

Lila nodded, moving towards other mixing agents to make another drink, "Smooth, you got it."

Don looked at Will, who was having quite the friendly conversation with a light-green mare in a dress. While he wasn't against fraternizing with another species, due to it being necessary to actually get any sort of food around this place, he did find it odd how easily the ponies seemed to trust them after word spread that they were humans. Maybe it was certain air of mystery, the whole "enigmatic travelers" thing, or even the looks neither knew how were translated to the brains of ponies. It was truly mystifying to see how nonchalant it was to be in a situation where you were having harmless drinks with another species.

He was about to ask Will something regarding the glow on the Moon medallion before someone tapped his shoulder twice. While he would normally ignore such a thing in favor of fulfilling his own curiosity first, the gentleness of the touch forced him to turn around. Don's face, he found, was abnormally close to that of a pony he didn't recognize. He backed up slowly, seeing the smile move away from him and look away with slight embarrassment.

"I'm sorry for that, hon', but I was just wondering if you two were the humans everypony was talking about."

Don looked around, finding nothing even remotely close to himself in looks other than Will, "Yeah, we are. How'd you know?"

He took a good look at the mare, finding her relatively interesting when compared to the more drab looking Equestrians around him. Her mane was done in a far more lavish fashion, curling at certain points and held by a cherry-embroidered headband. A pale, yellow coat covered her, with a pink ascot meeting at her neck, tied off in a knot. Green eyes darted from the floor back up to his own before flickering away. Don tried leaning inconspicuously to the left and glanced at her Cutie Mark, finding a pair of plump, red cherries on her flanks. When he looked back at her, she was blushing, eventually making him realize what he did wrong.

"Shit..." He muttered, barely audible, "Sorry, didn't mean any disrespect."

His drink came, sliding into his hands as she placed a comforting hoof on his arm, "Oh no, no taken, hon'! I suppose I'd be curious too if I were human walking around among ponies. Can't blame you for not knowing these kinds of things, darlin’."

Don felt a sense of extreme nostalgia at that very moment. The mannerisms, the voice, the accent, the colors and looks, were all too familiar for some reason.

He nodded his head, "Would you happen to be related to a 'Cherry Wine', by any chance?"

She gasped, putting two hooves to her mouth in glee, "Oh, you mean Nana Wine! Well, she's my grandma!"

"I noticed the resemblance. Can you play poker like her too?"

"I take it you lost?" She said with a sly smile.

"She demolished me. Bad. So now I'm working for you guys to get it back."

"I've been noticing things too, hon'... And you and your friend working over at our farm happen to be one of them."

"Huh, so we probably should have met by now then, right?" He held out his right hand, setting down his drink, "Don."

"Cherry Jubilee, darlin’. Mighty proud to be an acquaintance of you."

Don shook his head, laughing, "Nah, no reason to. And besides, I'd consider us friends already."

Her face turned to one of a mix of surprise and poorly-hidden giddiness, "Really, now? I like the way that sounds, darlin’."

"Here, let me buy your drinks, least I can do."

Cherry placed a hoof on his shoulder, looking grateful, "No, no, no, darling, I won't accept something like that from a nice stallion I just met."

"Really, it's fine. Besides, I have a job because of you and your grandma, so why not? A small way of repaying you back."

She moved away some hair that covered her face, blocking a smile, "I suppose I could have a drink or two..."

Don nodded to the bartender, "Get the lady whatever she wants, on me."

Lila quickly took the order and set out to make another drink, "Roger that, playcolt."

While Don didn't immediately know what that meant, it became obvious once he saw the redness on Cherry Jubilee's face. He shrugged, dismissing it as a teasing comment.

Don took another sip, tongue tingling at the tangy taste, "So... how did you and your family get into the cherry business..?"

Across the room, seated a small table meant for two, Will was talking with a lion-like grin, listening intently to a mare who had asked him out personally, telling her human date to call her Minty Mare which was, as Will assumed, her name. They leaned their heads in close and continued talking in relaxed manners, Will's right hand holding a glass of the so called Survivalist's Brew he had come to appreciate despite its raw texture and ultimately bitter taste.

He smiled in response to Minty's latest question, "Do I like being human? Let me answer that with another question: Do you like being the prettiest girl around?"

A blush, crimson red and contrasting with the light green coat, swept over Minty's exposed cheeks and she laughed nervously, "Well, I..."

Her voice faded off as the medallion around Will's neck, despite being hidden beneath his shirt, began blowing brightly. He looked down in surprise and laughed it off, pulling on his jacket to cover the throbbing glow. He felt his pocket vibrate, indicating another otherworldly text message, but he refrained from reaching for it, instead turning his attention back to his date.

"Sorry about that." Will said with a playful smile. "A trinket I picked up on the road."

Minty smiled and sipped her martini, "So you're a traveller? Ever been to Las Pegasus?"

Again Will wondered at the referential names, but played it off, "Not yet. Don and I, my buddy at the bar, just walk from place to place. Don't even have a plan!"

"That sounds dangerous!" Minty bit her lip. "I like dangerous."

Maybe it was the subtle sexual hints, the alcohol, or the heat against his chest, courtesy of the medallion, but Will was feeling fairly dangerous himself. It wasn't like him to be acting this way. He wasn't socially inept or lacking with skills regarding the opposite sex, but he wasn't much of a flirter unless he needed to be.

Minty tapped her hooves on the table, changing the subject after reading the thoughtful face of her date, "I live in Manehatten myself! I'm here visiting family. You probably guessed from the accent though."

Truthfully, Will hadn't noticed an accent at all. He was feeling odd, almost not himself. This wasn't his scene. This drinking and flirting. This wasn't him. Nevertheless, not being one for disappointing others, he smiled and spoke carelessly, "I had my suspicions. Manehatten though? Sounds awfully nice. Maybe I’ll come visit."

"Oh, please do." Minty said with yet another coy smile.

Will grinned and downed his drink which he refilled with the bottle provided, "Maybe, maybe! We're just here until we earn the money that Don lost playing poker."

Minty nodded understandably, "That tends to happen when you play against the Cherry family. So how long until you go? I'd really like to see you again."

"A couple weeks. Plenty enough time for another few dates." Will said with an unconcerned tone.

The phone vibrated again, indicating the message waiting, and Will excused himself to the bathroom, needing to see what other "achievement" he had earned. As soon as he was out of side, he leaned against the bathroom door and whipped the phone open, reading the message.

"Achievement Unlocked - Pony Person: You've come to terms with the fact you may never return home, and as a result, have accepted your place in a new society that is nearly entirely equine. Ponies consider you one of their own and treat you as so, making you feel welcome and liked. You also seem to have gotten over certain personal barriers regarding ponies as well."

There was no doubt that Don had received the same message. Will shook his head and shoved the phone away before stepping back out and into the crowded bar.

It was abnormally dark within the room, and the old sound was the slight rustling of work from outside. The thick, red shades were pulled down, letting no light in but an eerie glow. Congested air floated about, choking the room with its staleness. In the corner lied a large, lavish bed, complete with a canopy and designed to fit the theme of cherries. A table nearby held a single glass of water.

Lying on the soft, comfortable bed was Don, but he nowhere close to that comfort currently. Groaning out in pain, he had finally woken up and felt how parched he was. The human reached for the glass, weakly lifting to his mouth for a sip. It was emptied quickly and was unfortunately dropped onto the wooden floor before he was able to place it back. He muttered several curses before curling back under the smooth, silky sheets.

All in all, Don felt as though his body was on fire, specifically the pit of his stomach. It ached horribly, as if it were being torn apart by muscle contractions. He prevented himself from tossing and turning, only to stop himself from being wracked by further pain, and lied where he was, occasionally making his discomfort vocal and loud. The doorknob turned suddenly, shutting as quickly as it opened. Still, the harsh light hurt his eyes before a short-lived comfort came and ended.

Cherry Jubilee trotted to him, carrying a tray full of cherry-based products. Luckily, water had been in the cup instead of some thick juice. He didn't think he could stomach anything like that at the moment. She slowly put it down on the table, taking note of the broken glass beside the bed. There was a deep frown etched on her face as she stood there for several seconds, looking at the floor.

"W-What the hell is wrong with me? Why so much pain?"

She looked back up, surprised he was able to speak in his condition, "I don't know, hon'. I already sent for Doctor Snake Oil, so he'll be able to tell you." The mare traced a hoof along the floor, "I'm sorry for this happening to you, but I don't know what caused it."

Don forced a smile, despite the intense stinging sensation it gave off, "No problem... Happens all the time..."

He began considering something as he watched her look away in concern. Memories of the night before came back, along with his own worry. Don distinctly remembered leaving the bar at the latest possible time, being kicked out a few hours before Will and his friend left. He recalled leaving the place alongside Cherry Jubilee, who, like him, was thoroughly inebriated. His heartbeat rapidly increased along with some pain, forcing him to gasp and wince.

Cherry was by his side in an instant, "What's wrong? Is it hurting too much?" She placed a hoof on his forehead and held it there before pulling it back, "Darling, you're burning up!"

"I-I need to know something. Last night... Did anything happen? Between us?"

As a mare, she didn't know whether to be touched or insulted, mainly due to his context being quite vague. As a friend, she knew it was only right to tell the truth.

"If by 'anything', you mean something intimate, then no hon', not much happened other than a little playing." She smiled a little, "We did, uh... hmm... 'interact' a little bit. Just a teensy bit though, nothing too serious."

Don swallowed, feeling especially anxious right now, "L-Like what?"

Cherry gave him a peck on the cheek, "Just a bit of kissing, no harm at all."

He did especially well to hide feelings towards having any sort of romantic actions with anything that wasn't human, "Oh, okay. What happened? How did I end up like this?"

"Well, darling, we were fooling around on the porch until you just fell over and didn't get up. I thought you couldn't handle your drinks anymore, so I just lied you on the bed." She sighed, "Then a few hours later you started screaming, yelling about pain. It took a while, but I calmed you down enough to fall asleep."

"I don't remember much about last night, but thanks. Really."

"Anything, hon'."

It was quiet for a few moments until the door opened again, closing quickly. A pale, white stallion with long, brown sideburns and a mane covered by a brown Stetson stepped inside, setting down a bag by the bed. He flashed a soothing smile and opened his bag, taking out a headlamp and a tongue depressant.

"Doctor Snake Oil, at'cher severice, young fella. When Miss Jubilee told me her friend was sick, I rushed right over." He scratched the back of his head in thought, "Would'a been able to come sooner if that darn door didn't get stuck." Snake Oil looked at Don with a smile, "Anyways, enough about myself. So, I hear you're the human 'round these parts, huh?" Don nodded. "Welp, can't say I know humans all that well, mainly 'cause I never listened to that hoo- hah in school, but I can try my best to fix what ails ya."

Cherry Jubilee put a hoof on the bed pleadingly, "Please, doctor, make him better."

Don sat up, biting his lip as spikes of pain ran from his stomach, "Tell me doc, how long do I have left?"

She looked mortified, while the doctor simply chuckled, "Hopefully I won't come to that, young'n. Now, say 'ah'." Don did so, opening his mouth. "Interesting set of choppers here... Kinda remind me of a dog's..." He pulled away the depressor and went on to do several other tests, all proving nothing. The doctor frowned, "I have just one question, fella. Wherever yer from, do ya have magic?"

"Magic?" Don asked incredulously, "No way. I know you guys can do that stuff, but it doesn't exist in our world."

Snake Oil frowned, "I was afraid of that." He cleared his throat, "You see young'n, when a creature, no matter what, isn't around magic or in an environment with magic around, it isn't adapted to bein' able to take it into its body. Understand what I'm saying?"

"So... Because I was never exposed to magic, my body isn't able to adapt to the magic in this world?"

"Exactly, right on the spot."

"What does that mean for me, though?"

Snake Oil frowned, "I 'spose it means yer body can't handle it anymore and yer overdosin' on magic at the moment. This sometimes happens with dogs, but seein' as I've never diagnosed a human before, I can only think of one conclusion. Where have ya been exposed to magic? Background magic like ya'd get from walkin' around ain't gonna do nothing to ya, but direct magic in ya is gonna mess ya up something fierce."

"How fierce we talking?"

"Death, son. Yer organs will fail if the magic isn't taken out of you. Where did it happen in the first place?"

"I was having drinks, magic-infused drinks, for the past month or so."

Snake Oil clicked his tongue, "Shoulda figured... Easiest way for a sore son of a gun to get an overdose."

"So? Can you get it out of me before I die?"

“Sorry, feller, but it ain’t that easy. Only place that has somethin’ fer that and is nearby is Stalliongrad, and I don’t think you’d make the trip.”

“So I wait and die, pretty much...” Don, looking forlorn, turned to Cherry Jubilee, who looked as though she were on the verge of tears, “Can you go get my friend, Will? The other human? Tell him to bring my backpack with him. I need some percs if I’m going to be in this much pain.”

The mare nodded and left the room, closing the door before wiping away a few forming tears from her eyes. She promptly cleared her throat and left the house, heading to find the other human, who she hoped knew a way to save her new friend.

Across town, sprawled out under a plaid duvet, Will was fast asleep with a certain, light green mare behind him. It wasn't long before he awoke with a slight start and peeled two very bloodshot eyes open. He stifled the hungover groan and crawled out from under the covers, totally nude except for a single sock. Will climbed to his feet and felt the crawling, sick feeling emerge in his stomach that often signified vomiting. He clambered into the bathroom and slammed the door shut before blessing the porcelain bowl with a liquid mix of whiskey, cactus juice, and probably Minty's saliva. Now leaning against the wall and on his knees, Will watched as a cockroach skittered around the back of the toilet and looked at him. He stared back and the brownish insect scurried away. The human lacked the strength to kill the little bastard anyway.

Will slowly raised himself to the mirror and, knowing he wouldn't be looking good at all, he peeked out from the hands covering his own face. He could have easily passed for a rapist, homeless man or both. His hair was soaked with sweat and was slicked down to his skull. The two brown eyes had circles of pure darkness beneath and rough stubble, unusual for most sixteen year olds, was starting to sprout out of skin that had turned deeply tanned and moist from sweat. Will clicked his tongue in surprise and splashed a handful of water on his face from the rusty faucet. The slight blast of cold water pulled him another inch or two away from a total hangover, but if his headache and upset stomach were anything to judge by, it was gonna be a long while before he ever recovered from that particular night. He flushed the toilet and left.

It wasn't until he stepped back outside and into the bedroom that he realized that Minty was still asleep in his bed. For a second it didn't register in his sleepy mind, but when it did, it hit hard. Will twisted his face into a look that might have been approval mixed with a touch of shattered dreams, disbelief, and skepticism. The human searched for his clothes and found them scattered all over the room. His usual casual clothes, supplied by yet another suspiciously handy tailor, were strewn about like a bomb had detonated. Khakis hanging from the ceiling fan, shirt twisted in a knot around the bedpost, and a pair of boxer briefs clutched in Minty's hooves.

Will muttered dark words about his current predicament and snatched the boxers from Minty's slumbering grip. He was quickly dressed, but the blinking green light of his phone caught his attention from nightstand. He snatched it and watched as the text read across the screen.

"Achievement Unlocked - A Man of Exotica: You never thought you'd see the day where you'd wake up with a sleeping pony next to you. That morning has finally arrived and you have this achievement to remember it. From now on, your willingness to "diversify" has given you an increased knowledge of equestrian anatomy and what to do when fooling around with them."

Will's face went deadpan and he pointed an accusing finger at the screen, "No. Nope. No."

He set the phone down with an angry hand and pulled his medallion out of the drawer of his nightstand. At least he had been sober enough to remember to put that particular item in a safe place. Minty stirred and awoke with a sleepy, seductive, cat-like smile. Will fought hard to not smile back, but failed. He shouldn't have been happy in the current situation, but he was alive. That was something.

Minty propped her head up with a hoof, "Well, well. Look who's awake! Ready for some morning fun?"

Will let out a loud breath and was about to reply when a frantic knocking came from the door. He turned and pulled it open, wincing from the slew of country words mixed with a country accent that babbled on about mixed drinks and someone who had gotten mixed up and now had to be un-mixed. Will groaned and waved a hand.

"Alright! Relax for fucks sakes." He looked over the figure of Cherry Jubilee. "Hey, you were that chick with Don. He isn't here. Go look at Taco Bell or some shit."

Cherry Jubilee shook her head, "No hon'. He's gone and gotten himself into a mix up. He's real sick."

Will snapped at her, "Enough with the mixing!" He ran a hand over his neck and held it there. "Christ...What's wrong with Teflon Don? Is it serious or does he just want some of the percs?"

"He wants you to come visit. And he said something about them percs too."

The human waved a hand, "Alright, alright. He's at your place? I'll meet you there."

Cherry Jubilee took off at a gallop, trying to be as ladylike as possible. Will left the door open and watched her descend down the stairs and into the bar. He shook his head and grabbed the backpack lying in the far corner, ignoring Minty's protests. Steeling himself, Will ducked back into the room and kissed her hard before darting out, ignoring the embarrassed blush he had caused her. The bar was populated by Dusty Dunes only and she winked at the human, telling him to "Keep it down next time though!" before handing him a bottle of Brew which he had apparently paid for the night before, but had been too busy with Minty to grab it. Will took the bottle and made his way onto the street, cursing at the sun above as he pulled the cork from the plain green glass bottle and drank.

He must have looked like a proper alcoholic. Something jabbed at him from within his pants pocket and he pulled out the offending object. A pack of cigarettes appeared and Will chewed his lip. Dare he, he thought to himself. Soon his was smoking a mint-flavored cigarette and between coughs he quite enjoyed the taste. He paused briefly in the street to pop two percs into his system before carrying on. Don was tough. He'd be fine. It wasn't long before Will was being escorted down the hallways of the Cherry household and into the room where Don lay in obvious agony.

Will was at his side in an instant, "Jesus...What happened?"

Don sat up, ignoring the protests of his body, “Don’t talk to me like I’m on my deathbed, motherfucker. I’m not gone just yet.”

"You look like you're on your deathbed. Was it the guy at Taco Bell? Did he do this? The whole fuse-ripping event? Was it him?"

He chuckled, feeling his ribs ache, “Nah, it was all me. I’m overdosing on magic from those drinks. You lucky bastard, you were having the cactus ones the whole time, so you aren’t like me right now. Gimme some pills, man.”

“Thanks.” Don swallowed them, but opted to drink some water instead, knowing full well how alcohol and percocets reacted together. “What I need you to do is get me something.” He pulled out his phone and handed it to Will, “Check that message.”

On the phone, it read: “Achievement Unlocked - Artifact Hunter: Both of you have scoured areas and come across Artifacts in your journey. These mystical objects hold powers you now begin to understand, though you mainly choose to be a good-Samaritan and sell them to Sir Silver Tongue and his museum to further the knowledge on these curiosities. You can't complain though, he does pay sums that are quite tidy. Your shared skill in retrieving these objects is well-developed and you can now sense when you're in the vague proximity of them.”

The same message popped up on Will's phone and he read it with a strange frown, "Artifacts? I didn't know we were treasure hunters."

Don smiled, pulling out a from next to him, “I’ve been looking and doing a bit of researching with the help of the doc.”

“We think we got ourselves a solution fer yer pal here, sonny.” Snake Oil added.

“Go back a few centuries, and you’ll find something called a ‘Life Siphon’. The Equestrians back then thought it drained your life because it would steal the magic from your body, making you feel tired if you had a good amount in you. I need you to find this thing. Book says it’s somewhere at a canyon nearby called ‘Nightmare’s Tongue.’ I need this man. Do me a small favor.”

Will ran his hands down his face, "Yeah sure, Nightmare's Tongue! Sounds like a fuckin' fine place to vacation." Will sighed. "Okay, yeah, fine. I'll go. Give me the .38."

“Take the entire backpack, just leave some percs for me. I’m counting on you, nigga. Don’t let me down.

"Nigga, what are we?"

“The Dynamic Duo, bitch.”

"Goddamn right. I'm out for a bit." Will looked at the Doc. "You got maps or..?"

The doctor handed Will a single sheaf, "All in here, sonny."

“Go get it, tiger.” Don gave him a strange look, “Yo, you smell... Minty?”

Will stood up, "Don't even ask. Catch you in a bit."

“Wait!” Will had already left by that time, “Damn... That smelled like... Hmm... Nah, he wouldn’t...” Don considered it, “Or would he? Fuck it, I’m in no place to judge.”

Cherry Jubilee smiled at him, “Feeling any better, hon’?”

He smiled back, “Loads.”

“Good, now I know you’re going to need some rest, so we’ll leave you alone now.”

“But--”

“She’s right, fella,” Snake Oil added, “Ya need to rest up. Not much I can do now, though, so I’m gonna head back to the clinic and see if anypony’s waitin’ on me. Stay alive, ya hear?”

“Gotcha.” The doctor left, leaving him alone with Cherry Jubilee.

“Well, I’ll get out of your mane now.” She replied, forcing a smile.

Don watched as she trotted slowly to the door, her flank swaying slightly. At that very moment, he wanted to punch himself in the face for even looking. Of course, he couldn’t stop until he saw that her head was turned to him, blushing brightly.

“Something the matter, darlin’?”

Don, much to his credit, forced himself with all his strength to prevent a nod, though it proved in vain, “Uh... I’d like some company, if you don’t mind. I’d feel kind of...” He bit his tongue, unsure if he should continue, “lonely, so I was wondering if- You know, you wouldn’t mind...”

She stepped toward him and smiled, “Of course not. I’m pretty bushed anyway, so I could use a nap.”

“Well, I’m sort of freezing right now, so I kind of need some warmth. Really, I feel like I’m on top of ice cubes right now.”

“That’s probably just a side-effect, but I don’t mind.”

Don scooted over, making room for her. Cherry got onto the bed and under the covers, turned to the door. She felt an arm drape over her, resting in front of her chest. There was a vibration nearby, but it seemed that Don ignored it as he fell asleep, too tired to continue. Though, he knew one of the only reasons he asked for her to lie in bed with him was that it would definitely calm him down as opposed to panicking. After all, panicking tended to lead to quicker deaths, no matter the situation.

He simply muttered, “Thanks,” and went out like a light.

Cherry Jubilee sighed, scooting back towards him just a little bit. Quickly, she too was asleep, content and smiling. Despite the threat of impending death, Don was going to make every last minute count that he was awake, though he wanted to just relax for now. He thought to himself he earned it for having survived this long. And despite it all, he too fell asleep a bit happier than he did the yesterday. Besides, what was life if death didn’t loom over you at every moment? Things went quiet in the room. Though, a mix of vomit and blood inside of Don’s mouth were already an indication of what was to come.

Chapter 10: Dr. Dre's Pre-Approved Detox Plan (Patent Subject to Change)

Two G’s in a Pod

Chapter 10: Dr. Dre’s Pre-Approved Detox Plan (Patent Subject to Change)

By: Stillmatic and Lucius Seneca

Nightmare's Tongue was roughly four miles from Dodge Junction. It was a long sandy stretch of reddish sand that eventually sunk into a large gash in the earth. The ravine was several hundred meters wide and it's edges were jagged and sharp, the occasional birds nest seen abandoned in the many crevices and shallow caves that seemed chiseled into the sides of the ravine. Oddly, and rather disturbingly, enough there was a small, quaint cemetery near Nightmare's Tongue.

The wrought iron fencing was rusted and collapsed in most spots and weeds had overgrown the fertile ground. Will, who was walking hurriedly through the collection of cracked and dilapidated headstones, had a pretty good idea where the fertilizer had come from. He shuddered at the thought, but his thoughts soon turned to the small wagon and lantern that were placed near what appeared to be a recently excavated grave. Will slowed to a careful stepping and removed the pistol from his jacket pocket. The scraping sounds of a shovel could be heard and a grunting followed by a chittering laugh.

Will pulled his head back in fear and peered down into the grave. A pony, stinking and brown in color, was going through the simple wooden coffin below his hooves. Will let out a disgusted breath, "What the fuck, man."

The grave robber whirled and backed up against the dirt walls, "I know him!"

"Yeah, right." Will shook his head, but kept the pistol at the ready. "Even after that guy is dead and in the ground you need to loot him? C'mon."

"Listen, don't tell anyone. Wait... are you one of those hairless doggies?" The exhumer asked with squinted eyes.

Will caught scent of the rotting corpse and gagged, "What the fuck... I'm a human. This is some straight up shit."

The pony climbed out of the grave and scuttled to his wagon, peeking out with a stained face, "Humans? I used to know a human. Name was Seth. Nopony else saw him though!" A hoof was thrust into the air. "I know what I saw!"

"Uh huh. Well, I've gotta go. You have fun fondling the dead." Will said as he continued on, shrugging his backpack over his shoulders."

The grave robber called out after him, "You looking for that artifact aren't ya!"

Will stopped and turned, pistol still in hand, "You know where it is?"

"You betcha. Big old Dust Cyclops guards it in a cave down yonder. Other treasure too."

"You know the exact spot?"

"Yeah-uh."

Will waved his pistol at the dirty figure, "Take me there."

"What if I don't wanna?"

"Then I'm gonna come over there and you'll be staying next to Mr. Corpse until you're more withered than he is!" Will said with a touch of malice.

The grave robber looked out from beneath the wagon which was burdened with several other coffins, "You'd have to catch me first!" When Will made to move towards him, the pony backed down. "Alright! Relax, partner. Maybe we can help each other. Hmmm?"

Will motioned for the necrophiliac to elaborate, "Well, that Cyclops may have taken one of my favorite friends when we ran into each other. You get her back and I'll lead you to that there artifact you want so bad."

"Friend? You're friends with a fuckin' corpse?" Will asked with disbelief.

The grave robber gave a rotten smile with rows of blackened teeth, "Lil' bit more than that."

Will held back his disgust, "Fine. Let's go. Lead the way you sick bastard."

"You can call me Diggy Desertdust."

"And you don't have to call me anything. Because we're not friends." Will said flatly.

Diggy laughed with a cackle and hooked himself up to the wagon, "Hop on in! Just make sure not to disturb those sleeping beauties!"

Will spat, feeling ill, and climbed in over the coffins, sitting with his back to one as Diggy began pulling, heading towards the ever-widening ramp of sand and shale that led down into a hellish, shadowy place.

Cherry Jubilee lay there, resting peacefully with her eyes shut and breathing even. The worry she previously carried was nonexistent for now, having been buried deep within her mind while she slept. During that time, she was in a bed, currently by herself. Though she was awake, the want to remain asleep kept her from even opening her eyes, which she forcefully did once she realized there was no other source of pressure or heat beside her.

Don was sitting beside the end table, his head titled upwards, staring at where the opposite wall and ceiling met. His body was slumped, and pallid in color with dots of sweat adorning his forehead. She watched carefully, not shifting her vision away from his occasionally blinking eyes, those being the only indications he was still alive at this point. His hand moved to a glass of water and it was dumped within his mouth slowly along with two of those pills she vaguely recognized.

Cherry lifted her head and propped it on a hoof, staring in concern, "Why aren't you resting?"

"Uhh..." Don, in his current state, found it hard to recall why he was out of bed, "... Damn... Why was-- Oh yeah. Your grandma came in here and told me if she caught us sharing the same bed again, she'd tear off my arms or something." He sipped some water, lowering himself a little more, "It was an... interesting conversation, I think."

"Nana..." Cherry Jubilee muttered under her breath. "I should probably explain that to her later."

"Cherry, I got to ask something," he said, changing the subject.

"What is it, darlin'?"

He ran a hand over the glass, speaking slowly, "What if I told you I came from a world where you can be whoever and whatever you want if you put the appropriate effort into it? That not even the sky was the limit to what you could do? If you were me, would you go back to it? Or stay in a place where you're pretty sure you don't belong and be the last of a nonexistent species? What would you do?"

The mare thought about that for a second. It was an odd notion that anypony could be whatever and do what they want with their lives to the point he seemed to make, especially so with the concept of Cutie Marks around. Still, Equestrians were the only species with such things, and the others she had met seemed perfectly content with their lack of marks. Though, she was just as much so with her live revolving around cherries and cherry products. Having that brought a sort of shield around her, giving her purpose and guidance in life. So she responded in the only way she knew.

"I can't say, hon'. That's all for you to decide."

She looked back at him now, after having not received a response. He was already asleep, his chest rising and falling in a quiet rhythm. Cherry couldn't help but smile as she got out from underneath the covers, lifted him onto her back, and rolled him onto the bed alongside her again. She pulled the thick blanket back over and sighed tiredly, heading back to sleep for the time being.

The duo was probably halfway through Nightmare's Tongue when Diggy stopped pulling the wagon and disengaged himself from the harness. Up ahead, several bats flickered like cast shadows before vanishing into the nooks and cracks of the ravine walls. Will shuddered. The shadows were deep and thick, shrouding everything in eerie darkness. Bloodstone walls surrounded the duo and seemed to close in around them. Diggy pointed a cracked, infected hoof forward."

"The bastard has a cave up there. Might be sleeping now."

Will nodded and climbed off of the coffins, "Alright. Let's go."

A large crack in ravine floor blocked the path ahead, but Diggy pointed at a small series wooden planks that led across the wide gap. Will climbed across, hands out for balance. He didn't have to look down to know that there was no surviving the fall. The whistling winds were evidence enough of that. He crossed over safely and soon Diggy was across, matted and greasy tail dragging in the dust. Will ignored the smell of the pony and they continued walking forward, both in a half crouch. Diggy was becoming increasingly jumpy, glancing around in fear, every shadow a new threat for him.

It wasn't long before the cave came into sight. It had probably been formed naturally throughout thousands of years. It was fairly big, a large, gaping entrance leading into a sandy patch which was surrounded by crystalline structures. Will pushed himself against the ravine wall and peeked inwards nervously. The Dust Cyclops, a large humanoid looking creature sat with its back to the human, mumbling and playing with something in its hands. It grunted piggishly and tossed the object aside. It rolled near the entrance, flickers of sickly green light dancing within the obsidian-like orb as it rolled to a stop.

The flickers of energy looked like small green leeches tracing paths through black water. Will felt the realization hit him. That was it. That was the artifact he needed. Diggy poked him with a hoof and Will sighed, looking for anything that would resemble a corpse. A coffin, half pried open, sat against a large cluster of crystals. Apparently Diggy had nailed the lid back on before it had been stolen away from him. Will pointed at the coffin and Diggy nodded, sweating what could have been sewer water.

Will dropped the backpack and placed both the revolver and flare gun in his belt. A few seconds of scrounging later and Will had two extra flares in his jacket pocket. He motioned for Diggy to stay put and crept forward, eyes locked on the calloused back of the Cyclops. A large burlap rag was wrapped around it's waist, serving as some, rudimentary form of modesty. Will swallowed visibly and took another step towards the orb. The soft sand underfoot served as good terrain to move silently in.

The human scooped up the orb artifact and rolled it back to Diggy who grabbed it with rotting teeth before vanishing out of sight. Will backed up. How was he supposed to reach the goddamn coffin, he thought? Before he had a chance to formulate a plan, his heel descended onto a piece of thin shale. The crack of the rock was probably pretty quiet, but in the cave, it echoed amazingly. Will felt the blood rush from his face and his limbs seized up. The Dust Cyclops looked up in surprise and then turned so it was facing the intruder. It's single eye widened with anger and it released a scream that would have made most people turn into a quivering pool of fear.

Will watched as the beast rose to its feet and seized the coffin like it weighed nothing. Seconds later Will was diving for cover as the coffin sailed through the air, exploding on the cave wall on a shower of splinters. The human looked over in amazement and stumbled to his feet, flare gun in his hand. He fired and an arc of light and chemical fueled heat struck the Cyclops in the shoulder. The lit flare became lodged in the large bumps of muscle and a loud bellow sounded out as it burned into the skin. Will's heart was hammering like a drummer on cocaine and he struggled to reload, hands shaking with adrenaline. He shoved another flare into the chamber, slammed it shut, raised the gun up from a kneeling position with both hands, and fired.

The dustclops fell backwards in agony as the flare hammered into its exposed eye. Will watched as it writhed on the ground, all thirteen feet of it kicking and screaming as it clutched the burnt eye. The human looked back in shock, but his eyes widened once again as he spotted the remains of the coffin. There was no body.

"Son of a bitch." Will muttered.

He turned and ran, but Diggy was already gone, backpack missing. He could be seen climbing over the gap in the ravine floor up ahead. Will ran towards him, sprinting as fast as he could. He wasn't going to let some freak keep him from saving his best friend's life. Diggy had anticipated the chase and had done away with the wood plank bridge before Will was even halfway there, but the human didn't slow as the exhumer had thought he wood. Will ducked his head against the wind and hurled himself across the gap and straight into the form of Diggy. There was an explosion of air from the grave robber's lungs and soon the two were rolling about, biting, kicking, punching.

Diggy bit hard into Will's next and he screamed in pain as the skin broke. The human slammed a fist into his attacker's temple and he rolled away, nursing a possible concussion. The backpack was laying feet away, the orb rolling towards the gap in the confusion. Will threw himself towards it, but Diggy was already moving. He lunged and snatched the artifact, clutching it in his hooves as he stood on his two back legs, a look of insanity cast over his face. That was the last thing he would ever do.

Will pulled the pistol from his belt, cocked the hammer, and fired from a prone stance. There was a loud crack and Diggy fell backwards instantly, blood gushing from a hole in his forehead, He vanished over the edge and the orb flew forward as he fell backwards. Will caught it as he rose to his feet and watched as the body tumbled over the side and into the darkness below. After the pistol shot, there was near silence apart from a distant groaning and whistling wind. Will turned his head and vomited into the sand. Something wet was on his face. He wiped the warm substance off. Knowing full well what it was. He felt sick, weak, shaky, what he had just done beginning to seep in.

The human scrabbled to his backpack and shoved the orb away. Get rid of evidence was the first thing to do. Will grabbed the back of the wagon and pushed it forward slowly. It creaked and groaned before spiraling downwards, bouncing off the walls of the gap and turning into a rain of broken wood and coffins. Soon Will was shrugging his backpack on and, with hands more shaky than ever, he tossed the single spent shell casing into the darkness below.

He turned and ran.

Will leaned against a large boulder and let his head droop unceremoniously. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand again and felt the urge to retch, but held it back. His hand traced a path upwards, towards his hair, and he felt at the clumps of it which were stuck together with Diggy's blood. Will turned his head and vomited what little he had left in his stomach. He felt weak and dazed from the events. The canteen and the cold water within garnered him some strength, as little as it was, and he continued forward.

Evening would be casting amber shadows over the sand blasted landscape soon enough and Will knew he had to return to Dodge Junction soon. Don's life was at stake and there was little time to waste. Will ducked his head against the crimson light of the fading sun and took up a weak attempt at a job which he maintained for several minutes before returning to a brisk walk which taxed him dearly, robbing him of endurance that had seemingly faded from the combination of murder, a deathly hangover, and no breakfast.

The faint figure of Dodge Junction could be seen on the horizon. Black squares and rectangles no bigger than Will's thumbnail grouped together in the distance and the lone teenager picked up speed, asthma and exhaustion catching up with him. He spat a glob of gunk from his mouth and coughed.

"Cigarettes..." He muttered with a touch of resentment.

Soon he was skirting through the outlying plains of Dodge Junction and waltzed his way past the few failed business which had been left to the desert's embrace before emerging onto a main street and beginning a full out run despite his weak legs, empty stomach, and burning lungs. It wasn't far now, Will thought as he turned a right, vaulted over a patio railing, and cut through an alleyway. The Cherry residence was now visible and Will jumped over a low lying picket fence, landing on the yellowish grass of the front lawn.

He climbed the front stairs, pushed past a random laborer who cursed at him, and entered the house. He could hear yelling emanating from the upper level and soon he was taking the stairs two at a time, bursting into a room which seemed to have been transformed into a makeshift medical ward. Don was slumped on the floor, a leg and arm visible behind the several bodies which seemed to be working on him. The doctor could be seen along with Cherry Jubilee, but Will felt his breath catch in his throat and he tossed his pack away before sliding next to his fallen friend who no longer seemed to be breathing.

The doctor had a mask of concentration locked over his usual mild visage as he handled a strange machine in his hooves. It whirred loudly and seemed to thrum as the doctor manipulated a lever on the side, depressing it over and over again, making the whirring a constant hum. Will watched as a strange glow ran from the device, down two tubes which hooked via clamps onto Don's chest, and looked on in amazement as the glow presumably entered his body.

Don kicked out like he was being electrified and the doctor looked over at Will with a strained face, "The artifact!"

The partly healthy human lunged towards his backpack and ripped through it like a feral dog, tossing cigarettes, alcohol, and the pistol outwards as he tore the orb through and rolled it towards the medical expert who dropped the whirring device and seized the black artifact from the floor. He slammed it hard into Don and his thrashing chest as if he was set on crushing his sternum.

There was a screaming wind, a loud crashing, and Will felt his matted hair blow backwards as if a small tornado had emerged in the room. The bed was flung sideways and Don kicked one last time before falling still. The wind stopped and the room fell quiet.

Don stood slowly, blinking and shaking his head several times to clear it, "Damn... Did I smoke something mad strong? Because I can't remember shit right now and I'm seriously hungry. Like,  starving."

Chapter 8: Getting the Hell Into Dodge

Two G’s in a Pod

Chapter 8: Getting the Hell Into Dodge

By: Stillmatic and Lucius Seneca

The Blackberry indicated it was nearly two in the morning at this point, further evidenced by the lack of light. This in specific made it harder for either of the two humans to make much progress towards the car at the bottom of the quarry, but both continued, somewhat reluctantly. It wasn't until Don tripped, growling to himself, that someone decided to speak up about the current situation.

Will extended a hand, "We need some more light. The one on your phone isn't going to cut it."

"Ugh. Can't all this shit be so much simpler?" His phone vibrated loudly, making more noise than he'd like, "What now?"

"Achievement Unlocked - In the Land of the Blind: In your travels, there will be times that there is no natural light to provide you with warmth, comfort, and direction. Your medallion will substitute these and shine for you whenever you like, making it a valuable asset. From now on, you now have a flashlight that will never lose power and always show you the true way forward."

Will checked his own phone, "... What? Are you getting creeped out by this stuff too?"

"Hell yeah. Is someone watching and texting us or something?"

"I don't know... You think these are for real?"

Don gave him a look, "It's a text, nigga, not an enlightening message from an obscure prophet in another dimension. Probably nothing to actually worry about."

Will looked at the text again, rubbing the medallion with his right hand. A light began shining at his face, obscuring his vision. He winced and moved his head away.

"Don, get that shit out of my face."

The man in question was a few meters away, leaning against a tree, "Over here, bro."

Will looked down at the medallion and soon noticed that the bright light was coming from the mysterious piece of jewelry. He pocketed his phone and began turning over the necklace in his hands, trying to find some power source for it that would indicate how exactly it was shining. To add to that, there didn't seem to be any source of light either. The medallion simply glowed brightly of its own accord.

"You see this, man?"

"Yeah. I can see it on myself pretty well too." Will turned to Don to find a light, bright and shining warmly, at the back of his head, making it look like a sun itself. Don chuckled to himself, "Hey, I'm a holy figure." He moved the medallion away from his head and let it settle against his chest. "Pretty dope."

"Word. They look different though, right? Or is it just me?"

Don glanced between the two pieces, "No, they're definitely different. I have some funky sunlight. You... I think it's just light or something. Moonlight, maybe. Who the hell knows?"

Will nodded his head, once again running his hands over the pristine piece of neckwear. It was magnificently made, that was for sure, but who exactly made it? And for what reason was it underground of all places, in a decrepit and cursed mine? There were too many questions that needed answering, but that was why they started this journey an hour ago in the first place. Hopefully they'd be able to get to the car and a few miles forward before sunrise. The two moved forward, using their medallions as pseudo-flashlights.

It was midday by the time the two friends spotted a long dirt road. It stretched and turned away, presumably leading into the distant mountains which were now much smaller. Don and Will had camped overnight in a small wooded area, treated themselves to some beef jerky and water, and slept until the sun woke them up. Neither felt spectacular about sleeping on the ground for several hours, but the aches and pains were significantly less than expected.

Both men shrugged the odd feeling off and started trekking again. This time their steps and pace were not fueled by fear of imprisonment, but genuine excitement. They were possibly the first of their kind to tread upon the shirt grasses underfoot and this realization was more than enough to push them onwards. To say Will was apathetic was an understatement. He was downright lazy and Don often pushed him to do things back in town, things which Will would have been happy enough to avoid and sleep on.

They had rolled the last of their joints early in the morning and had set out, saving them for later on in the day. The sight of the road was more than enough to encourage a celebratory smoke and they did so, puffing away as their boots kicked pebbles along the roadside. There was some conversation, mostly just giggles and exclamations, but Will and Don seemed in better spirits, creepy texts, medallions, and law enforcement behind them. By now they had broken from the rocky hillsides and onto a slightly forested area. It had taken an hour or so to escape the scraggly pines, but the duo had soon found themselves staring across a vast, dry wasteland of tumbleweeds and dusty winds.

Stripping off their jackets, the friends had ventured forth and now they were happy in the knowledge that they would see civilization before sundown. Will flicked the remnants of his blunt away and wiped the sweat from his brow "I'm thinking man...was all this supposed to go down?"

Don looked over in confusion "Whattya mean?"

Eyes set forward as he trudged along, Will stared tiredly ahead, "We end up here, together, become town heroes and outcasts, find these token things, and now these text messages? It seems, like, planned out."

"Word. Seems mad strange. Hopefully we can figure this shit out and soon." Don replied.

"Well," Will smiled, "Looks like Dodge Junction up ahead."

Both men laughed and slapped each other on the back as the buildings came into view, little more than small black squares on the horizon. Will stopped for a second, "Wait. What about us being human? Should we cover our faces? Pretend to be those diamond dog dudes again?"

Don whistled absentmindedly, "Maybe we should just put our hoods up. I mean, everyone thought we were dogs anyway, but it would seem weird to have those niggas in the desert."

"Fuck that, I’m not wearing this jacket. Loud and proud."

They high fived and opted not to wear the hoods or respirators they had been given.

Eyes were an interesting thing. They let people see, they conveyed emotions, and they got wide in fear at times. Now was one of those times as the duo travelled within the borders of the town, walking in at a leisurely pace. It was roughly noon now and eyes were plastered on them, courtesy of the ponies going about their duties. Don fanned himself, the heat unbearable in the arid town.

"God damn... I'm build to endure the cold, not this bullshit!"

Will wiped sweat away from his brow, "Same here." He groaned, "Let's just find some shade already, man."

"Word, can't stand this."

The two continued walking, being constantly stared at until a very specific-looking stallion stopped them. It was a dark-coated stallion, with patches of white every now and again. His main was a lackluster silver and a mark of an hourglass on his flank. He wore a black suit with a pearly-white shirt, a wide, black tie, and an equally dark, flat-brimmed hat. A pocket watch chain stuck out from his breast pocket, swinging with each, calculated step. He eyed bother humans scrupulously, not speaking quite yet.

He clicked his tongue, "I see we have visitors to our little town. You two wouldn't happen to be bandits, would ya?" The shook their heads, "Good, good... Because I wouldn't want to have to use this." He lifted his coat, revealing a thick whip. "What're yer names?"

"Don."

"Will."

He furrowed his brow, "Funny names, but each their own, 'spose." He extended his hoof, "Name's Colonel Hourglass More-Timer. I'm sheriff around Dodge Junction and the small territory surrounding it." They each took turns shaking his hoof, "Say, what are you fellers?"

"Humans." Don answered plainly.

"Humans?" The Colonel scratched his chin, "My 'sumption was that humans were froo-froo folklore from southern Equestria. Didn't think they existed past stories, no offense intended on ya'll."

"None taken," Will mentioned.

Don grunted, still fanning himself, "Hey, can we take this inside or something? I really don't want to be in this heat."

Colonel Hourglass gave them an approving look, "'Suppose so. Come to the local saloon."

The law stallion walked away, heading to a nearby building. Both of the humans were eager to follow, finally able to get away from the dry heat of the outside world.

It wasn't long before both men and Hourglass were seated at the bar, the two humans ignoring the stares from the few other patrons hanging about. In fact, it was surprising that there were any customers at all seeing as it was early afternoon. Both Don and Will considered this, but said nothing, thinking that perhaps a small western town such as this one had nothing to do but drink and work. Will was currently swishing a small amount of cactus juice, tonic, and whiskey around in his mouth. That concoction was called the Survivalist's Brew. It was sour, bitter, and made Will want to spit, but he drank the shot regardless and set the glass down.

It was quickly swiped up by a bartender, a younger mare with a bandana wrapped around a mane which still managed to stick out of the cloth in several places. She smiled brightly, revealing bright teeth, and filled the glass back up, dusty cost flashing dully in the dim light.

"Thanks." Will said as he rolled up his jacket and tossed it upon the pack at his feet.

The bartender smiled again, "No problem. I'm Dusty Dune, bartender and proud proprietor of this here establishment. Only drinks you'll find for the next sixty miles!"

"Sixty miles, huh?" Will sighed and swirled his greenish drink around in the glass, "Damn hot out here. Don and I just came down from the mountains so it's a bit of a shock to the system."

Dusty Dune nodded in acknowledgement "Uh huh. Stays nice an' cold up there what with the snow and glaciers and all that." She set the bottle of liquor down, "Down here, we got open skies and baked sand. Ain't much to look at, but its home."

Will nodded, "Home is where the heart is. Hey, you got any rooms for rent? My buddy and I need a place to stay for a bit." When Dusty Dune raised an eyebrow, Will explained a bit further, "We're going from place to place. We wanna see the world. Any suggestions?"

"Hmm. Ya'll could catch the train to Appleloosa or maybe New Reno. Your best bet though, if you wanna see the sights, is to catch the cross country train and head on over to Las Pegasus." Dusty Dune scrunched up her face at the thought of the aforementioned city, "That city chews good folks up and spits 'em back out. Lose a year of pay in one stinkin' night.

"As for the room, I got two. Identical apart from the spiders and sand ants runnin' about. How long ya'll planning on staying?"

Will shrugged, "Hard to say. Could be a day, could be weeks. I guess we're trying to soak up our surroundings as much as possible." Will looked over at Don who seemed intent on a conversation with Hourglass, "Isn't that right, Donny Boy?"

There was a muttered agreement and Will shrugged, grinning at the bartender, “He seems nice.”

Don turned away from the Colonel, "You guys have a pretty decent set up here for a town."

"Thanks!"

"But would you mind if I went behind the bar to make something real quick?"

Dusty Dune gave him a look, "Sure, if you know what you're doing."

Will nearly snorted, "It's a possibility."

Don went around and grabbed several bottles and glasses. Though he didn't have much to work with (he barely recalled the names of the items he used back in somewhere), he decided to wing it and see what the result would be. Dusty Dune watched carefully, seeing what techniques he used. Frankly, they were abnormal and not anything like the ones they used in this part of the country. The drink was no different, and fizzed loudly with a glowing, yellowish color. Both Earth ponies looked immediately distrusting of it.

Will took a sip from his glass, "Still good."  He noticed the apprehension from the Equestrians, "What's wrong?"

Colonel Hourglass shook his head, "Mm-mm, no thank you. Personally, I don't appreciate magic drinks. Makes you all googly-eyed and excited."

Don downed it, shuddering as the feeling of several fireworks erupted in his stomach warmly, "Hot damn... That was good. Really, you guys gotta’ try this."

"We're fine," Dusty Dune said, smiling politely, "We usually have the plainer stuff here. You know, the stuff you'll only find in the Mild West."

Will sloshed his old drink around, eyebrow raised, "You mean like cactus juice?"

"If you don't like it, you don't need to drink it." She stated, "In fact, you could just leave right now if you'd like."

“Now Dusty,” The Colonel rested on a hoof over the bar, “It wouldn’t be nice to just throw ‘em out for their tastes. Wouldn’t be nice at all. Isn’t that ri—” He turned to the two humans, only to find they weren’t sitting down anymore. “What the—”

Don cracked his knuckles, sitting down on a player piano. A quick skim over the instructions drawn on the side indicated it could play just about any song so long as one started that specific one. While his skill with any sort of instrument was abysmal and nonexistent, he at least tried a single one. He hit a few keys, starting the piano up and letting the magic inside of it play the rest of the tune. Will grabbed two derby bowlers from a nearby coat rack and tossed one to Don.

Will cleared his throat, “We could’ve been anything we wanted to be. But don’t it make your heart glad...”

“That we decided, a fact we took pride in...”

They went back-to-back and smiled, “We became the best at being bad!”

Don pulled off his hat and bowed, “We could’ve been anything we wanted to be, with all the talent we had! No doubt about it, we whine and we pout it! We’re the very best at being...”

“BAD GUYS!” They yelled in unison.

Will hopped onto a table, knocking everything off, “We’re rotten to the core! We deserve congratulations, no one likes us anymore! Bad guys! We’re the very worst, both of us contemptible! We’re criticized and cursed, but made the big time, malicious and mad!” He stomped his foot and posed, “We’re the very best at being bad!”

Don grabbed another drink, downed it, and sat swankily on a stool, “We could’ve been anything we wanted to be, but we took the easy way out! With a little training, we mastered complaining! Manners seemed unnecessary! We’re so rude, it’s almost scary!”

They met at the center of the saloon and sang the rest together, “We could’ve been anything we wanted to be, with all the talent we had! With little practice, we made every blacklist! We’re the very best at being bad!” They stomped their feet again, “We’re the very best and being bad!” Posed one last time, “We’re the very best at being bad!”

Both men panted, finding what they had just done exhausting. They looked around, still in a pose, and saw all of the blank faces staring at them. Don shared a look with Will that said “What the fuck” and stopped posing, followed by Will. As soon as they relaxed, the entire saloon erupted into a storm of hooves clapping against the floor and cheers from the patrons. The two humans smiled, finding their own act entertaining. Slowly, they went back to the bar and sat down tiredly.

Dusty Dune smiled brightly and poured a glass of Survivalist's Brew for each man. They downed it without thought and scrunched their faces up as the taste hit them. Will was used to it, but still managed to grimace at the terrible flavors. He set the glass down and leaned forward on the bar.

"We'll take those rooms. How much for rent?"

"One hundred and fifty a month! Might even give ya a discount on drinks if you keep actin' around like that." replied the tanned bartender.

Don nodded and picked up his bag, "Ight. You want a deposit or what?"

Dusty Dune nodded in the positive, "One hundred as a damage deposit."

There was some grumbling as Don and Will forked out their cash before being given the room keys. They walked left around the bar and climbed a set of stairs which had seen far better days. Will checked the small tag attached to his key, discovering he was down the hall from Don who was in room number seven. The two parted ways briefly and dumped their gear off, finding the rooms to have the bare minimum of furniture. Small bedside tables, worn dressers, and beds which were probably crawling with bugs. Will shuddered at the sight of the faded sheets and set his bag against the dresser before retrieving several small pouches of equestrian money.

It was bulky to carry around and oftentimes Will found himself weighed down by fifteen small sacks of thick gold coins. He briefly considered that and decided to shrug on his backpack, emptying out everything but his share of the money of course. He pulled the straps over his shoulder and headed back out the door, meeting Don in the hallway before deciding to see some of the town before nightfall.

"You think they have a tailor around here? I can't be having that fuckin' jacket on me anymore. Heavy as shit and is hot as fuck." Will muttered aloud as he pushed past the saloon's swinging doors and into the sun.

Don nodded, "Totes magotes. We'll ask around. We gotta pick up some bigger packs though."

"And some goddamn ant traps. Greasy as fuck in my room."

"Word."

“You know, it's not as hot as I originally thought it was. It's actually pretty decent out here."

Will glanced at Don for a second, "Why the hell are you so chipper, skipper?"

Both humans had been walking for the past few minutes, exploring the burgeoning town a bit more. Don, over the course of their small adventure through, began to feel less and less affected by the sun and its constant heat. Will, on the other hand, was sweating from sheer amount of harsh light coming at him. He shuddered. He'd be just like one of those typical New Jerseyians that he'd seen on TV before. It wasn't a good way to go.

"Nothing, just feeling pretty decent right now. You need a rest or something?"

"I'm dying here, what do you think?"

"Forward it is."

Don chuckled a bit as Will headed to the closest source of shade, that being a large oak tree. Pulling out his canteen, Will placed it on his lips and took a long drink, exhaling as he motioned away. His medallion swung slightly, colliding with the water container a few times. With the sound becoming quite annoying, Will put his canteen against his chest to keep it quiet. It was then he realized just how cold it suddenly was.

Will looked at it, examining it from different angles, "That's weird."

"What?"

"It's cold now."

Don grabbed it and took a sip, "Fuck!" He hit a palm against his forehead several times, wincing in pain, "Damn! Brain freeze! What the hell do you have in there, liquid nitrogen?"

Will stole it back, sipping it, "Seems fine to me."

He received a glare, "That shit hurt, like, a lot."

"If you can't stand the cold, stay out of the freezer."

Don rolled his eyes, "Whatever."

He then proceeded to use a sharp rock nearby to carve a message into the tree. Standing back now, Don looked at it and nodded, satisfied with the outcome. Will raised his head and read it off.

"'Don was here. Gimme a seven.' Classy."

"You know it."

Will took another sip and let out a satisfied sigh, "Nice little town."

The older man nodded in agreement and soon they were walking down the street again, chatting absentmindedly as they came up to what looked like an old, shady casino-type establishment. It was easy enough to tell the difference between a saloon and a casino, but the three story building looked like a mix between two such establishments. A large, painted banner was strung across the elongated balcony where several mares lounged, dressed in frilly, revealing outfits. Will raised an eyebrow and read aloud.

"Hoofers: Casino and Bar."

"Huh," Don said. "You wanna go in?"

Will ground his teeth together in thought, "Why not. I've never gambled before though."

Don grinned, "Don't you worry about that, bro! You're talking to a poker master right now!"

"Mhmm." Was the doubtful reply from Will.

The two men climbed the steps, passed by two bewildered looking ranchers and pushed open the doors as a flight of crows took off behind them. They slowed and let their eyes travel over the darkened interior that flashed with lights and VLTs. Roulette and other games could be seen near the back by a bar area. Patrons stopped to look at the two humans as they marched past, heading straight towards the tables as they were eager to earn some money and dance with Lady Luck for a short while.

Will pointed at the bar, "I'm gonna get a drink. Here," He handed down a bag of bits. "Double my money while I turn into an alcoholic."

There was a loud chuckle as Don took an empty seat a poker game, shuffling into place next to a prestigious looking mare. Will took notice, but was more concerned with the bartender's look of amazement. The younger human grinned and folded his hands on the lacquered surface of the bar.

"Whattya got?"

"You're doing pretty good, sonny."

Don smirked, "Of course I am. Just watch." He threw in fifty bits. "Anyone?"

Several other ponies folded, but the elderly mare from earlier tossed in sixty. Don took a quick moment to look her over. Her hair was faded red, nearly pink, all tied up in a neat bun. Her pallid, yellow coat wasn't a good indicator of her health obviously, because she seemed far too alive to be close to death. An expensive-looking sundress was what she wore, with a strapped bonnet atop her head. Lastly, the sweet and knowledgeable face was what nearly threw him off. What was a sweet old lady doing here, playing Texas Hold' Em?

"I gotcha, honey. No ways am I backin' down."

He had to hand it to her, she was both perky and funny.

Don presented his cards, "Flush."

A wide grin crept along her face as she laid down hers, "Full house."

"What?! Damn!"

He groaned in contempt as the elderly mare raked in all the bits, pushing them into her bag. She smiled thoughtfully and stood up.

"Well, I think I'm done fer tha night. Have fun y'all."

Don immediately stuffed the rest of his bits into the bag and stood up, looking for Will, "Same here. Can't keep playing after being humiliated by some old lady."

Will was having a conversation with the bartender, so Don simply went off without him. Leaving the casino, he jogged after the old mare, who made a surprising amount of progress in terms of distance in such a short time. By now, the sun was setting and he barely recognized her in the orange light.

"Hey!" He called out.

The mare turned around, smiling, "Oh! You're that nice colt who lost to me! What do you mean, honey?"

"I want to earn back that money, what say we play another game for it?"

She shook her head, "Sorry, sonny, I'm too tired to be gambling my money away. Besides, with this," she patted the pouch of bits, "I'll be able to hire a few more workers fer Cherrypickin' Season. Gonna be a big load this year and we need all the hooves we can get." The mare eyed him up and down, "Unless..."

"Unless what?" Don took an offended look, "Hey, I'm not a jiggalo for any amount of money."

She burst into laughter, nearly falling over in the process, only for Don to help her stand, "I like you! Real wise-guy! If'n you want these so bad," the mare patted the pouch again, "you can earn 'em by working as a cherrypicker. Sound fair?"

Don considered it for a moment. They didn't really have much else to do in this town and there wasn't any other indication of making money either. After all, they already paid for a whole month's rent for rooms, so why not at least try to earn some money back? There wasn't any reason not to, and the old mare seemed pretty fun to be around too.

"For how long are you keeping those spots open?"

She put a hoof to her chin in thought, "I 'spose if you two could do a good enough job and keep up at it, I could keep you on for as long as you need."

He extended a hand, "Deal. I look forward to us working for you, and all that good stuff."

She shook it, "My feelings exactly, honey. If you want, I could show you and yer friend around the farm."

"Speaking of which, where is that gu—"

Will patted him on the shoulder as he stepped beside him, "Right here. I had a feeling something pertaining to me was going on, so I came outside."

She looked between the two, "Kinda scraggly lookin', you two..." There was a shrug from her, "So long as you put in good work, won't matter with me. Come on, I'll show you two around."

Don began to walk away before Will stopped and whispered in his ear, "What is she talking about?"

"We got jobs."

"Really? You signed me up for something?"

"We need to earn back the money she won and we have nothing to do anyway."

"Point taken."

The two quickly came to an agreement and ran after the mare, who once again made significant headway to some unknown location.

Author's Notes - Stillmatic

Yo niggas, what's good? Glad to hear people are actually reading this shit. Or interested, for that matter. Anyway, if anyone can spot the reference to a character from an Old Western movie starring Lee Van Cleef, you're awesome.

As Always,

Stay Trilla.