Twilight forced a smile onto her muzzle and ruffled her wings to make them more presentable before she walked into her treehouse. The comforting smell of old and new books made her feel a little better as she walked through her library and into her bedroom. She stepped onto the bed and cuddled a pillow against her chest and imagined she was snuggling with her mother.
Twilight Velvet’s snuggles and hugs always made her feel better no matter how down she was. She closed her eyes and imagined she could smell Velvet’s subtle honey and cinnamon scent. She nuzzled into the pillow and imagined the soft silky strands of Velvet’s tickling her muzzle. A tiny smile flickered on her muzzle at the warm memories before her smile vanished and she clenched her eyes tightly shut.
Her pillow dampened as tears dripped from her eyes, and her body shook as she tried to contain her sobs. She hugged the pillow tighter and thought about how Shining Armour would wrap his hooves around her from behind and hold her comfortingly whenever she felt like the entire world was against her. She used to love how Shining Armor would stroke her mane as he read her favourite novels and stories to her.
She grunted with annoyance and threw her pillow across the room, rolled out of bed and landed heavily on her hooves. She sucked in a deep shuddering breath and wiped her cheeks dry from her tears. She perked her ears up and forced another smile onto her muzzle. She lit her horn and used her magic to shelve the random piles of books littering the floor, clean the week’s worth of dirty dishes stacked in the sink, place her unfinished paperwork in whatever draws weren’t filled with other random papers and chase away the stale air.
She took a few quick mouthfuls from the bottle of applejack daniel she had hidden in a hollowed out compartment in the floor and her smile became a bit more genuine as the liquor warmed her from the inside and helped quieten the mess of thoughts and feelings swirling uncontrollably around her mind.
She double checked everything looked presentable and went back to lay down in her bed. She curled up under her blankets and embraced the darkness under her sheets. This little space helped her imagine she was the only thing that existed in the world. She covered her ears and clenched her eyes tightly shut as though it would calm her thoughts.
There were so many things to remember. So many tiny little details from her studies, her magic, her royal details to keep track of. The more she tried to keep track of everything and remember what she was supposed to do, the more everything became muddled and jumbled. Formulas for her magic spells mixed and switched around with the procedures of her royal duties. The procedures for her royal duties blended with the answers of her academia.
She shook her head intensely trying to make everything line up properly. She couldn’t stand the chaos. Everything was wrong. What was she supposed to do when she greeted foreign dignitaries? Add two parts of herringal with- No! That was the formula for relieving flu symptoms. She was supposed to bow respectfully, shake their hoof and weave a levitation spell around fifteen- No that was her next magic lesson.
She groaned in frustration and threw the sheets off of her body. She walked down stairs to begin cleaning and paused halfway when she remembered she had already done the cleaning. Aside from the cleaning, what else did she have to do? She frowned thoughtfully and began running through her mental checklist.
She only got through the first three items before everything swirled together in an incomprehensible mess. She grit her teeth and tried to make sense of everything in her mind. Wash the laundry? No, the clothes were already hung up and drying. Did she hang them up, or did she take the basket outside and start on the weeding? She chewed her lip with confusion and squirmed in place as she tried to remember if the weeding was already done.
Did she even have lunch yet? She grit her teeth as her meals of that day blended together with the meals she had throughout the rest of the week and the meals she was planning on having. She took another deep breath and walked back up the stairs. She was halfway when she remembered her friends were visiting today. Or were they visiting tomorrow? Did she clean the library today because her friends were coming today? Or did she clean in preparation of them coming tomorrow and she wanted more time to sleep during the day?
She sighed and walked back into the library to check her calender. Her friends were visiting tomorrow and they were bringing Spike back from his camping trip with the Cutie Mark Crusaders. While she downstairs she remembered her checklists and pulled several thick rolls of parchment from out of her desk and unrolled them.
The unrelenting storm inside her head became calm and tranquil as she read through the items on the checklist. She smiled happily as everything sorted itself out before her very eyes. Her anxieties and fears faded away to nothing as she read and reread over the color coded, indexed and ordered items she had done and what she had to do.
Lists made everything better. They were the physical forms of her thoughts, but they were neatly ordered and unable to blend together into a horrible jumbled mess. She rerolled the scrolls and levitated them with her into her bedroom. She climbed back into bed and curled up under her sheets with her pillow hugged tightly against her chest.
She imagined Night Light’s deep, soft voice singing softly to her. His voice chased away all the confusion, the soft belly rubs he gave her had always made her smile and given her something to focus on that wasn’t the whirlwind of confusion in her mind. She smiled a little as she imagined the list in her mind as she drifted off to sleep.
One day, hopefully soon, her mind and feelings would get back to normal and she wouldn’t have to pretend she was okay. At least until she had another anxiety attack and everything in her mind would become scrambled once more.
