You step outside, humming to yourself. Every day is just as nice as today in Equestria, perhaps a little warmer than you would prefer but everything else is perfect.
Today, you're going to meet with Princess Celestia as part of your monthly 'come to the castle and tell me about human history' sessions. Mostly you just talk out of your ass, mixing whatever few facts you can remember with some serious bullshit. It's not like she'll ever find out, right?
Passing by a few young couples being overly intimate with each other, you frown. Why does everything always have to remind you how lonely you are?
Not only had you been alone for a while back on Earth, but here there aren't even any other humans.
You pick up the pace a little, eventually coming waist to face with the little guard horses in front of the giant doors.
"Halt!"
"Criminal scum," you blurt out.
"What?" he looks at his partner, shaking his head. "State your business, creature."
"Celestia wanted-"
"PRINCESS Celestia!" he shouts in indignation.
"Princess Celestia wanted me to tell her about the world I come from. We do this once a month."
He stares a bit before lowering his spear. "Right, you're that weird ape who loves messing with our beloved princess."
"Messing with her?"
"For whatever reason, she seems to buy into your lies."
"You mean you know?"
"Everypony knows. Except for her, it seems."
"Lame."
He walks a little to the side, allowing you entrance.
"Hey Princess!"
"Anonymous," the white alicorn exclaims, dropping a tiny brush. "Just the man I wanted to see."
That word doesn't feel right in a pony's mouth.
"Well, yeah. You asked me to come and regale you with all the wondrous tales from my homeworld, or something like that."
"Anon, do you know what day today is?"
"No idea, but does that have something to do with how literally every pony is sucking faces with their significant other?"
"Pretty much, yes."
She hovers a little piece of paper, and you read it. Dammit, even here they have that bullshit... capitalism, man.
"Weak."
"Hm?" she inquires.
"Nothing," you try to brush those bad thoughts aside. "So, what would you like to know today?"
"I would like to know if you would like to..." she looks around with an uneasy expression. "I'd like to know if you would go out with me today. As my date."
Your only reaction is one of incredulity. "Are you serious?"
"I've been alone for much, much longer than you have even been alive. And I know you must feel lonely too, being the only one of your kind in Equestria."
"I... guess so?"
Your mind is still reeling. This whole situation feels surreal.
"I know you don't see me the same way other ponies do. They always try to get my attention, they're always polite and some are even intimidated by my presence, but you... you're just yourself."
"That's true," you say, bringing a hand to your chin. It must suck to never have anyone behaving naturally around you.
"And so I would like, for once, to be able to spend some informal time with someone who could, maybe, see me as a potential... mate."
So, there's that. That gorgeous, magical, immortal white horse wants your dick.
Said dick reacts accordingly as you take in this new information.
Dong status: expanding
"Sure, Celestia. I'd love to be your date for today." Man, what had started as a shitty day is turning out to be nothing short of a miracle.
"Great," she smiles happily before giving you a hug. You reciprocate by wrapping your arms around her soft, slender neck. God, you hope you'll get to cuddle with her at some point... how can she be so soft?
"Oh, there is one little favor I would like to ask of you, Anon."
"Yeah?"
"I know you're not gonna treat me any different than usual, but if you-"
"Want me to be extra romantic?" you smile.
She averts her gaze. "No, actually... you see, I've had a little fantasy for a very long time."
"Go on," you encourage her.
"And until you arrived in Equestria, I couldn't think of a single pony who would have the guts to... indulge me. I want you to treat me... roughly."
"Roughly?" you repeat after her.
"You know, boss me around, smack my b-butt... in public."
"Okay... I guess? Why though?" you're still trying to process what she just said.
"It turns me on."
Holy shit.
Dong status: reaching into infinity
You couldn't get her to come with you to that griffon restaurant you love so much, but fuck... not even the juiciest steak in the world could compare with this.
This being the Princess of the Sun snuggled against you as you drink your coffee. The food was nothing to write home about, but that wing she has around you... you thought her neck was soft, but this redefines softness.
You're silently wondering if every part of her body is equally soft.
"Anon?"
"Yes Tia?"
"...thanks. I just want to thank you for this."
"Heh, I needed it too... God, you're so warm."
"How about we get out of here and go back to the castle?"
"So you still want to hear my stories?"
"As long as we're in the same position we're in right now, I'd listen to anything."
You get up, pay for you meal and walk behind Celestia, but not before smacking her ass. The stares you received were... interesting, to say the least.
The rest of the day (and night) is a blur for the both of you.
You are Celestia, and you just had the best time of your entire life. Anon lasts literally a hundred times longer than the average stallion, and he's just... so passionate. And so are you.
However, right now you're afraid to open your eyes. You're afraid to open them and see crumpled sheets covering an otherwise empty side of the bed.
Before you can overthink this even further, something moves behind you and you suddenly find yourself being flipped around. Opening a fearful eye, you see a familiar face smiling at you.
"Hey there, my little pony."
The arm he used to turn you over to face him is still wrapped around your back, gently massaging one of your wings.
"Anon... what do you see me as?"
"My new girlfriend?"
"No, not that," you blush. "I mean, some ponies see me as a motherly figure."
"Sure. Obviously that's not the case for me."
"Some see me as a leader..."
"Isn't that what you are?"
You don't reply.
"Some others see me as a goddess, a literal deity..." you look into his eyes. "Do you see me as a god, Anon?"
Anon snorts. "Are you an ever receding pocket of ignorance?"
"No?"
"Then no."
You're not sure how to proceed from there. While you love him, you don't think you'll ever fully figure him out. Like yesterday, before things got really heated, he was telling you about a star in his world.
"...and so you see, if you say Betelgeuse three times in a row, the star explodes. Its core collapses under its own gravity, moving at about a quarter of the speed of light while the rest of the matter is violently catapulted into space."
"...and this happened in your world?" you ask incredulously.
"Sure did."
"Did you see the star explode?"
"No."
"Then how do you know if it's true?"
"Well, we'll know in 640 years, won't we?"
You're starting to think that maybe, just maybe, he's messing around with you and none of his stories are true. But right now, you're content with just sitting there in your bed, a tired Anonymous holding you close to him.
Sitting at home with Celestia next to you, you're watching TV. Or rather, you're trying to find a channel that doesn't suck ass.
Even as immature as you are, some programs simply shouldn't exist. Honestly, farts aren't that funny.
"Hey, Terrance, could you look inside my ass?"
"Sure thing, Phillip!"
*fart*
You let out an involuntary chuckle, which is interrupted by the door opening.
"Sorry for, um, letting ourselves in," a tall blue pony says, standing a few feet away from you. Her mane is much like Celestia's, but more... starry.
"Sister, what are you doing here?"
"We need you at the castle. Your nephew has-"
"Come here," Celestia interrupts as she pats the empty side next to you with a hoof.
"Celestia, what are you-"
"Just get your butt here," she says with a smile, beckoning her sister closer.
Before you can object, you find yourself sitting with a horse on each side of you. Not that you would object, because Luna is just as soft as Celestia.
"This is most pleasant, Tia. We had not felt such warmth in a very long time. This hooman of yours is certainely cuddly."
You have no idea what's going on, but it feels good.
It feels really good.
Four and a half hours.
That's how long they've been sleeping next to... no, on you.
"Come on girls, I need to get up... come on, seriously. Hell, I thought that faggot Blueballs did something wrong or whatever, don't you need to go check that out?"
You're getting a little pissed off at this point, but while you could boss her around in public, it's a different matter in private. You've been together for one day and she's already very good at making you do what she wants.
Dammit, you've had enough. Essentially pushing them off you, you get up and shout, "RESPECT MY AUTHORITY!"
"No," Celestia replies flatly, her horn lighting up. You sigh in defeat, letting yourself be magic'd back on the couch.
...it still feels good.
Author's Note
I have no idea what this even was.
Also lately I've been obsessed with South Park, and I wrote a couple of stories you can find on my fanfiction.net account. They probably suck ass, in part because I hadn't written third person prose in over three years.
