A Talk about Food

by Lil Penpusher

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Starlight Glimmer, Comedy, Queen Chrysalis, Thorax
Length: 1049

When you've lived your entire life feeding on love, it's hard to imagine that there's any other way of taking in food. Chrysalis has a lot to learn...

It’s not easy being Queen. Especially not if you’re the Changeling Queen. It’s even harder and more frustrating when some peasant convinces all your subjects to abandon you and instead become some colourful butterfly/deer thingies.

But hey, that’s just how it is. Times are changing, and Chrysalis will have to adapt to the inevitable, whether she wants to or not.

And with that I mean she really, really, really doesn’t want to.

Lesson one: Food.

Published 2017-10-04 20:40:06 UTC
Last updated 2017-10-04 20:40:06 UTC

"It's called a sandwich, silly"

“Okay then, Chrysalis,” Starlight began nervously as she and Thorax both stood in front of the former Changeling queen. “Are you ready?”

“What do you mean ‘ready’?” Chrysalis snapped back. “I was forced to be here for this horsecrap.”

“Come on, now. You always have a choice.” Both Thorax and Starlight smiled at her.

The former queen was not amused. Not a single bit. “In this case my choice was, as Celestia put it: “You either go or I’ll send you on a nice trip to the sun.””

The two others laughed awkwardly in response. “Oh, don’t worry, Chrysalis!” Starlight said, still laughing artificially, “Celestia was just kidding!”

“...I was tied to a chair and she ordered her guards to repeatedly slap me with rotten fish.” Chrysalis looked as emotionless and unamused as before. She really just wanted to get it over with, at this point.

Thorax and Starlight went silent, simply putting on an awkward, artificial smile.

The Changeling Queen sighed out loud. “Can we just get this over with, please?”

“Of course!” Thorax replied. “Princess Celestia told us to introduce you to some slightly less... harsh methods of eating and gathering food. You know, the whole ‘kidnap ponies, imprison them in the hive and suck them dry of their love’ thing.”

The queen cocked her head. “Harsh methods? You call that harsh?” she asked angrily. “No surprise hearing that from a traitor like you!”

“We’ve gone through this many times already, Chrysalis, we-”

“He cost me my entire Kingdom!” Chrysalis screamed back at Starlight.

“Okay, calm down. I know you two aren’t on good terms but that’s not why we’re here.”

“Starlight is right. We’re here to help you find an ‘alternative’ to eating love.”

“So what? You want me to be like you and feast on friendship, instead?” Chrysalis asked mockingly.

“Not... exactly. You see, you don’t seem like a very sociable person so we kind of need to find a different solution for you,” Thorax said, scratching the back of his head.

“...Are you saying I don’t have any friends?” Chrysalis asked him.

“What!? No! I just, I mean, you-”

“You think I can’t make friends, do you?” Chrysalis interrupted, louder this time.

“No! I didn’t say that! I just meant that-”

“Could we maybe get started already!?” Starlight interrupted both of them. “...Please?”

“Yes, please. Let’s get this over and done with,” Chrysalis replied.

“Agreed. It shouldn’t take too long either. All you have to do is, well...eat.”

Chrysalis looked at both Thorax and Starlight with a confused look. “Eat? That’s it?” she asked. “Well, I’m not gonna lie Thorax but with that new look of yours there won’t be any love to gain from you,” she said, turning towards Thorax. “And you, Starlight Glimmer. Well...” Chrysalis shrugged casually, “If I were a communist I’d love you. Otherwise I’d rather push you off a cliff.”

“Why thank you, Chrysalis...” Starlight mumbled to herself. “That’s not what we meant with ‘eat’, though.”

“Then what else am I supposed to eat? I already said I won’t ever eat friendship like Thorax and the others.”

“Oh, don’t worry. We’ve got something special for you,” Thorax said. “Tadaa!” he exclaimed as Starlight summoned some weird kind of formation of bread, lettuce and cheese.

“Um...what’s this, exactly?” Chrysalis asked as she looked at the weird thing in front of her.

“It’s called a sandwich, silly,” Starlight replied happily.

“A what?” The queen asked again as she looked up to the pink mare.

“A sandwich. It’s something many ponies all across Equestria eat.” Starlight’s happiness almost completely disappeared as Chrysalis stared at her in confusion, still. “You’ve... never heard of it?”

“I’m a Changeling. Of course I have never heard of such ridiculous meals like your ‘sandwich’.”

“Just... try it. It isn’t that bad, I promise,” Thorax said with a smile.

“Like your promise means anything to me...”

“Just do it.”

“Fine.” Thorax and Starlight watched as Chrysalis’ horn and the sandwich were suddenly encased in a green aura. The Queen tried hard to squeeze the love out of the meal, but to no avail.

“Well, quite obviously this doesn’t work. Too bad. Can I go now?”

“That’s not how you eat a sandwich, I’m afraid,” Starlight remarked.

“How else would I eat it?” Chrysalis asked the mare.

“You put in your mouth?” the unicorn replied in a somewhat unsure voice.

“Put it in my mouth? Is this a joke or are you just talking nonsense at this point?” Chrysalis returned, pushing the sandwich away from her.

“Have you never eaten something this way? With your mouth?” Starlight asked back.

“Pfft, why would I? I had all of Equestria to feed on. Besides, I can assure you that love is much sweeter than... whatever this is.”

“Well, the others didn’t like it that much, apparently,” Thorax returned with a mocking smile.

“I dare you talk about that again, you little-”

“Ooookay, everypony, calm down. No need to argue. Our point is, Chrysalis, that sandwiches are nice. You just have to give it a try.”

Chrysalis looked at the pink mare before looking down on the weird looking sandwich. “I suppose I don’t have a choice, do I?”

“Not really, no,” both of them replied.

Chrysalis sighed as she lifted up the sandwich. “I’ll pay you back for this, Celestia...” she grumbled before carefully taking an small bite out of the sandwich.

The Changeling Queen dropped the sandwich at once as she began to choke. Thorax and Starlight both began to panic.

“W-what’s wrong?” Starlight asked, rushing over to Chrysalis.

“I don’t know!” Thorax panicked, sitting down and beginning to hyperventilate. “Do something, Starlight!”

“Do what?”

“Something! Do. Something!” Thorax yelled.

“Why thanks for the help...”

“What in the name of my ancestors was in this thing!?” Chrysalis screamed as she began to recover from the horrible taste.

“Nothing special. Stuff like lettuce, cheese, tomatoes, mayonnaise-”

“Mayonnaise? Mayonnaise? You put Mayonnaise on my sandwich!?” Chrysalis asked furiously.

“I... take it you’re more of a ketchup fan then?” Starlight replied with a weak, fake smile.

”GIRL, YOU’RE IN SOME DEEP SHIT!”

Author's Note

The moral of the story, children, is:

Never assume someone’s allegiance in the struggle between ketchup and mayonnaise.

I dare you.