Life is Meaningless and We're All Going to Die, So I Might As Well Write Horrible Fanfiction

by Super Trampoline

Rating: teen
Tags: Dark, Rarity, Tragedy, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1032

I miss the days I wasn't constantly terrified of death. Anyway, here's a story about Rarity getting terminal horn cancer. Story 3 of DoubleShotober

I miss the days I wasn't constantly terrified of death. Anyway, here's a story about Rarity getting terminal horn cancer. Story 3 of DoubleShotober

Published 2017-10-05 05:30:07 UTC
Last updated 2017-10-05 05:30:07 UTC

No Seriously I Miss Having Faith In Christianity. Atheism is Terrifying.

"Rarity, I'm afraid you have inoperable stage 4 horn cancer that has metastasized all over your body. You have probably about a month to live."

"This is the WORST POSSIBLE THING! Rarity wailed. She was going to die. And even though ponies believed in an afterlife, on account of magic being a thing and literal gods living among them, the thought of dying still terrified her.

But Rarity was a pony of action, not histrionics. Okay, that's completely false. But when you're going to die of cancer soon, you change your behavior a lot. Rarity suddenly had a finite amount of time left in the world, a finite amount of time getting progressively smaller every minute.

So she robbed a bank.

Yes, it's true, she robbed a bank. She had nothing to lose and it's not like police in Equestria kill you. They have stun spells. She cloaked herself and then stole a balefire bomb from a secret facility beneath canterlot and then robbed the Trottingham bank with her threat to detonate it. She made off with six million bits worth of bank notes.

Then she travelled to Saddle Arabia and spent several thousand bits on male strippers. And even more on female strippers. Rarity was bisexual. And going to die of cancer soon. While in Saddle Arabia, she also made a pilgrimage to Decca, an important record company founded there.

Afterwards, Rarity travelled to Cattleonia to fight with the revolutionary cows against the oppressive Spanish government. It was pretty awesome and took her mind off death for a bit. Then she got shot in the shoulder. Ouch.

She went on holiday on the island of Ibexa in the Marediterranean sea to recover, during which she partied a bunch. While there, she fell in love with a rather charming ibex named Frank Lake (Not to be confused with Frank Ocean or Frank Lee Mai Deer). With about fifteen days left to live, she got married in a lavish ceremony.

Next, she took an airship back to Ponyville, getting there via Manehattan rather than through Canterlot, where authorities were still in the midst of a massive marehunt for whomever had stolen that balefire bomb. Once back in Ponyville, with Frank Sea by her side, she set about donating all her dresses to charity and set about putting her money in a trust that would go towards cancer research. She put Sassy Saddles in charge of her boutiques.

Next, she visited a Lawyer named Jaque Costcow to arrange her final will and testament. Frank Sea got a thousand bits, but again, most of her money was going to go to charity.

Then she traveled to Appleloosa to go skydiving. It was very scary, but not as scary as the finality of death. It made her briefly feel very, very alive though.

With about ten days left to live, and with her energy slowly sapping, Rarity went snorkeling in the warm waters of Haywaii, staying at a luxurious hotel and having lots of sex with Frank Sea and ordering scores of alcoholic drinks. If she was going to go out, she was going to go out as hedonistically as possible.

With five days left to go, she held a huge party with all of her friends. Thousands from ponyville attended, along with hundreds from Canterlot and other cities throughout Equestria and beyond. There was lots of celebrating her brief life but also lots of crying. Celestia realized she had been the pony who had robbed the bank, but being the compassionate and biased ruler she is, decided to let it slide.

With two days left to live and being in great pain, Rarity visited her doctor to get as much morphine as possible. How cruel cancer is, to waste your body away as you helpless watch. It's killed a lot of people, including Eva Perón at the age of 33. And poor Rarity only was 28!

Anyway, she visited her doctor, who told her he had some good news and some bad news. "The good news is that we accidentally mixed your medical charts up with those of your sister. You don't actually have cancer."

"I don't ha--Sweetie Belle has Cancer!?!?" Rarity shouted.

"I'm afraid so. We thought she had pony AIDS."

"I'M DYING OF AIDS!"
Yep. Which explains why the chemotherapy wasn't really helping."

"Why, you incompetent imbeciles, I'll sue for medical malpractice." But before she could, she died of pneumonia, a common secondary infection for people with AIDS. Her sister died of cancer two days later, in great pain.

And what did Rarity find in the afterlife?

Nothing. Rarity didn't find anything in the afterlife, because there is no pony afterlife, because Rarity and the ponies and world surrounding her are not real. None of the characters in this show we watch called My Little Pony are real. They will never live and never die and never fall in love and get married and have kids and grow old together, because they aren't real.

But you, the person reading this, you are real. You can do all those things, and I hope you do. I hope you live a long and happy life. But like all lives, one day it will end. We all die. Every single one of us.

No one knows for sure where we go when we die. Some say some sort of heaven. Some say some sort of hell. More and more believe we go nowhere, that this is the only life we have and that once it's over, our consciousness simple disappears from existence. That terrifies me, and I really hope there's a benevolent God or spirit or something that will give us another go after this life here on earth. I love living and hate that so many people are suffering so much and will have short scary stressful lives filled with suffering. That's the vast unfairness of life: injustice. But what are we to do? What can we do. Strive to make the world a better place, and live life to the fullest, with friendship, love, and magic.

Author's Note

Fuck.