a capital offense

by Soufriere

Rating: everyone
Tags: Spike, Comedy, Royal Guard, Starlight Glimmer, Random, Twilight Sparkle, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2842

princess celestia has banned capitalization. how will twilight sparkle and starlight glimmer cope?

many years have passed since the last time royal prerogative was used to ban a vital part of written language. regrettably, it has happened again. for reasons known only to her, princess celestia has banned capital letters, and this time twilight sparkle cannot turn to spike for help/blame. instead, she seeks assistance from starlight glimmer. it goes about as well as you would expect.

warning: contains intentional grammar-mauling, fourth-wall breakage, and desu.

Published 2018-01-07 23:10:07 UTC
Last updated 2018-01-07 23:10:07 UTC

fuzzy logic

by the authority invested in me as ruler of equestria,
i, princess celestia, do hereby and forevermore ban usage of capital letters,
under penalty of even more desu.

twilight sparkle, recently ascended princess of friendship, smacked her face with her right forehoof as she used her levitation power to toss the parchment scroll, delivered via courier, aside. “again?!” she cried out to no one in particular as she unleashed a groan from the inky depths of the dark of her mind, as well as her throat.

“what’s going on?” starlight glimmer asked as she lazily entered twilight’s chambers. “i thought i heard a noise, like a million voices cried out in pain and were suddenly silenced.”

twilight shook her head. “no. just me. although my voice is certainly worth that of a million other ponies.”

”gee, and i thought i was conceited,” starlight muttered under her breath.

“starlight glimmer, don’t you see what’s going on?” twilight asked her pupil, fully expecting complete understanding and agreement.

“no,” replied starlight as she cocked her head.

twilight groaned again. “ugh! here. read this.” she levitated the scroll in front of starlight’s face. starlight carefully scrutinized the text as its import slowly sank in.

“what the hay is ‘desu’?” she asked finally.

“i don’t know!” twilight screamed. “and i didn’t know last time either! but as a princess of equestria, i am duty-bound to honour the dictates of our ruler even if i don’t agree with her proclamations… uh, not that i would ever disagree with princess celestia ever of course!!” she quickly blurted, her eyes darting side to side as if convinced her chamber had a hidden listening device or seven.

“so is that why all our lines of dialogue are entirely in lower case?” starlight asked.

twilight gasped happily, though not quite sanely. “you do understand! i knew there was a reason i chose you as my student!”

“uh, you didn’t choose me. i chose you because i realized what a horse’s ass i had been after seeing the effects of messing with spacetime once too often and figured you might help me reconnect and level out, so to speak,” starlight corrected. “and i guess i was half right.”

“and you’re about half as useful as any filly i could have taken in,” twilight snipped. “but that’s not the point. the point is that you understand the importance of keeping capital letters in our language!”

“uh…” starlight tapped the floor three times as she sported a look of utter confusion, “not really. to be honest, this whole thing seems really stupid. shouldn’t you be yelling at spike to do something? i think this type of situation is more his area of expertise.”

twilight hung her head. “yesterday, spike travelled to canterlot with the mayor, her secretary, and apple bloom. then this morning, about an hour before this decree came out, i got a note from the mayor’s secretary, raven, saying they were all going to the crystal empire. i think they knew this was about to happen and got out as soon as they could… leaving me holding the bag! oh spike, how could you do this to me?!”

starlight reluctantly but tenderly placed her forehoof on twilight’s shoulder. “don’t worry. i’m sure we’ll find a solution to this.”

“what solution?!?” screamed twilight, her voice cracking as her wings involuntarily twitched. “capital letters are important to linguistic understanding! they start off sentences, show proper nouns, and -- in a modern writing context -- correct usage separates whispering from talking from screaming. also, not using capital letters makes a pony look like an idiot, especially if they’re trying to write!”

“but, there are plenty of languages whose writing systems make no distinction between upper and lower-case letters,” starlight said in her best ‘reminder’ voice. “gryphonic, for one. classical equestrian runes for another. so, does any of this really matter?”

“does it really matter?! of course it matters!!!” snapped twilight. “what if celestia made the decree retroactive?? i’ll have to edit thousands of scrolls! what if i’ve already broken the law? i’ll be subjected to even more desu. i never even had to face regular desu! celestia only knows how horrifying more desu is!”

starlight sighed as she rolled her eyes. “this… this is idiotic. this is literally the dumbest turn of events i’ve ever faced in my life. and i set up a commune based around the concept of extreme social levelling, an existentialist fantasy that ponies (myself included) were stupid enough to buy into! besides, since when do i ever follow anyone’s instructions to the letter? uh, pardon the pun.”

“no,” said twilight. “that was a bad pun and you should feel bad.”

“i don’t,” starlight retorted with a smirk.

with an ostentatious toss of her head briefly shifting her purple and aqua mane around, starlight took a deep breath, clearly prepared to speak. twilight stared at her probable-failure of a trainee with shock and horror, realizing immediately what was about to happen. her mind flashed back to the smouldering blast crater of ponyville’s train station a few years earlier – levelled by a logic bomb – sure that her own new and ‘improved’ domicile might be next.

“I. Don’t.” starlight said with utmost conviction.

twilight’s jaw dropped as far as physically possible. she regarded starlight as if the mare had just kicked a puppy in the face.

“what have you done?!?” twilight asked, simultaneously awestruck and absolutely terrified, significantly more the latter.

starlight rolled her eyes. “the same thing spike would have done if he had been here instead of me.”

not five minutes had passed before a massive bang on the front door echoed through the crystalline walls of twilight’s ostentatious tree-shaped palace. the two mares looked at each other – starlight bored and twilight’s every facial muscle contorted to say ‘i told you so’. reluctantly, they made their way past the great room, which had begun to smell rather rank thanks to the rotting tree stump hanging from the ceiling above the crystalline round table, to the foyer. as starlight stopped to sniff out of curiosity, twilight tentatively approached her front door, vibrating from the pounding on the other side, and opened it.

she was greeted by a snarling royal guard.

“what are you doing here?” twilight snipped at the guard with an absolute lack of respect.

“are you starlight glimmer?” asked the guard.

twilight rolled her eyes. “you know i’m not, chufty.” twilight’s usage of the guard’s nickname caused him to wince, but he quickly recovered and re-set his frown as twilight continued to berate him. “is starlight glimmer an alicorn princess? i’m pretty sure she isn’t, at least she wasn’t when i saw her two minutes ago.”

“starlight glimmer has been summoned to the royal palace. you will let me in,” the guard insisted.

“i will not,” twilight said with a sigh. “see these wings and this horn?” she motioned to them with her forehoof. “i outrank you, chufty. but i’ll be more than happy to give you starlight; she’s been nothing but a disappointment today anyway.”

twilight’s horn lit up in its standard magenta aura. within a minute, starlight glimmer levitated towards the door, her own attempted counterspells eventually fizzling out. twilight dropped starlight unceremoniously on her butt in front of ‘chufty’ the royal guard.

“what?” starlight asked chufty, more irritated than worried… for the moment at least.

“starlight glimmer,” chufty said in his most authoritative voice – which was in fact extremely so due to its deepness and resonance, “you are under arrest for violation of princess celestia’s decree against capitalization. you are to be taken to canterlot palace immediately where you will stand trial before the imperial senate, overseen by prime minister orangeglow, and upon a finding of guilt you shall be subjected to even more desu.”

“before i go with you,” starlight said with a sigh, “can i just say one more time how utterly moronic this whole thing is?”

“no!” chufty barked.

“but she already did,” twilight snarked with full knowledge that chufty could do nothing to her, as she had done nothing to violate celestia’s decree.

twilight watched with near-total disinterest as starlight’s horn was sealed with an enchanted golden ring before she was loaded onto a chariot and spirited away to canterlot.

after twilight shut the massive front doors, she made her way back to her room to read some books about how to pretend to like one’s friends.

hours passed.

more hours passed. twilight moved on to a book she had ‘checked out’ (read: stolen) from the canterlot secret archives about how to successfully pierce a dragon’s scales – punishment for spike once he deigned to return.

the beautiful but surreal day came to an end. twilight decided to take advantage of her solitude by going out to eat, as opposed to simply refusing to cook as she normally would. haymon’s hayburgers would do nicely. she indulged herself in about eight saucy deluxes, knowing both that she would not have to share and that any calories would be instantly burned the next time she fired off a complicated spell. by this point, twilight had been royalty long enough that she was no longer mobbed – indeed, locals had by and large gotten over their royal fever, which slightly annoyed twilight as, though she hated being mobbed, she still wanted to be genuflected to. she blamed the mayor, whose unassailable position created duelling power bases in ponyville. how the mayor stayed popular despite all the times city hall had exploded astounded her.

twilight grumbled to herself as night fell and she approached her tree-shaped castle. she wished it could be closer to town like the public library she had requisitioned for a couple of years until its destruction.

she stomped up the curved staircase of the otherwise-empty castle until she reached her room on the top floor, wondering along the way if she should order spike, starlight, and the other five to build her an elevator for when she was too lazy to teleport, like this particular night. well, that would have to wait, for downing eight hayburgers in half an hour had left twilight feeling the effects of ‘the itis’; she longed desperately for her bed.

once she found it, she flopped onto it like a dog who had overdone himself playing in the lake. almost instantly she fell into a sleep that would have been dreamless if not for the thirty-five translucent green banshees that descended upon her, chastising her for something about friendship? she did not particularly care what the message was.

twilight woke up in a cold sweat, breathing heavily, followed by a cough. she slowly lolled her head around her room, expecting to see nothing but instead noticing a silhouette. it wore a hat. twilight blinked a few times and narrowed her eyes as the figure solidified into applejack, who sported a worried expression.

“a.j.? what are you doing here?” asked twilight, a slight tinge of irritation in her voice.

applejack’s expression contorted into a slight smile. “i’m glad you’re alright, sugarcube. we weren’t sure when or if you’d ever wake up.”

twilight narrowed her eyes. “what are you talking about?”

“you’ve, uh…” applejack darted her eyes around the room in a desperate attempt to avoid telling the truth but failing, “been asleep for a week. the five of us have taken turns checkin’ up on ya since we found out. i dunno how granny smith knew to tell me, but she did.”

“a week?!” blurted twilight. “how is that even possible??”

“prob’ly some prank from the colt at the burger joint? or a botched spell from starlight? it don’t really matter. don’t think it was spike, though. he’s still in the crystal empire with apple bloom and the mayor,” said applejack.

“they’re still gone??” twilight grumbled. “what about starlight?”

“i ain’t seen her,” admitted applejack with a shrug. “however, the royal post did just deliver ya a big ol’ box with airholes in it. want me to bring it up to ya?”

“thanks but I can do it myself,” said twilight. “i might feel bad if you hurt your back carrying a big box up that staircase. besides, that kind of grunt work is spike’s job. i’ll have to punish him once he comes back here.”

“ya know i’m ‘bout five times stronger than spike, right?” applejack muttered, but twilight did not hear as she flopped out of bed and made her way out of her bedchamber and down the stairs, using a mild levitation spell on herself to keep from tripping.

she completely ignored the round-table room and headed straight to the foyer – or perhaps receiving room. sure enough, there was a giant cubic lavender-coloured box large enough to fit a full-grown pony inside, complete with airholes. one side was stamped three times with the word “fragile” in large red letters, while another side had “this side up” printed on it with an arrow pointing towards the ceiling.

twilight immediately levitated the box as roughly as she could and tipped it onto its side.

out of box rolled starlight glimmer, the sealing ring still around her horn, landing on the floor with a soft, unsatisfying plop. for several minutes, she did not move, save for the slow rise and fall of her chest indicating she was breathing. eventually she opened her eyes; they were bloodshot and glassed over, barely aware – if at all – of her surroundings. her head began to twitch involuntarily. slowly, she opened and closed her mouth as if attempting to say something.

twilight leaned in, mildly irritated, to hear what her pupil felt the need to communicate.

“ponies. pretty ponies. pretty, pretty ponies. pretty pony desu~” starlight said in a high-pitched wavering voice.

cocking her head in confusion, twilight asked, “starlight? what’s going on?”

with great effort, starlight turned her head to face twilight. “desu~” she said.

twilight began to worry, more for herself than the mare, ostensibly her friend, barely coherent in front of her. “what in equestria did those guards do to you?”

starlight smiled, but it was an expression completely untethered from any rational reality. “your resistance makes my desu harder,” she slurred.

“hmm,” twilight thought aloud, “maybe, for once, princess celestia might have gone a microscopic amount too far.”

“desu~,” starlight said airily. “pretty pretty desu pony desu~.”

twilight shook her head. “i think starlight could have had a point. this is pretty absurd. oh well. she brought this on herself.”

just then, her doorbell rang, something twilight felt was odd considering her front door was wide open and she could be clearly seen just inside. she turned around to face a smiling grey pegasus mare with misaligned eyes, wearing a courier’s uniform.

“are you princess twilight sparkle?” the pegasus asked in a carefree singsong voice.

twilight sighed. “you know i am, ditzy-doo,” she replied, irritated. “we’ve known each other for years. what do you need?”

ditzy-doo reached into her satchel and pulled out an official-looking letter with crystal empire insignia on it. twilight’s eyes lit up as she used her simple levitation spell to snatch it away from ditzy, who took no offense at twilight’s rudeness, instead giving a quick salute.

“well, now that that’s been delivered, i have to go to see my doctor. have a nice day, twilight!” ditzy said as she took off flying, meandering towards white-tail woods.

twilight beamed greedily as she opened the letter. however, her face immediately fell as she saw it was from neither princess cadance nor her brother, but from spike. now near-apoplectic, she read his words.

twilight,

i’m not capitalizing this letter just in case some overzealous guard sees it and tries to – what’s that word? – oh thanks, cadance – extradite us. anyway, sorry i had to get out of the country for awhile, but we all figured it was for the best to leave immediately. so, you’re probably wondering about celestia’s decree. it’s kind of my fault but not entirely. see, the four of us were at canterlot castle to discuss some ancient gastronomic history with the princesses, when there suddenly came word that prime minister orangeglow decided to call the crown prince of yakyakistan a “fat stupid hairy cud-chewer”. we had brought over a hogshead of apple bloom’s ‘special brew’ as an ice-breaker and, well, celestia kind of accidentally the whole thing. as soon as she started screaming for a quill and parchment, luna told us we had better leave while she tried to handle the situation. and, uh, since we haven’t gotten the all-clear, we’re going to be staying in the crystal empire for awhile. mayor mare says ponyville is in your capable hooves while she’s away. take care!

--spike

twilight screamed at the top of her lungs, loud enough nearly every entity in ponyville could hear her. however, because it was all in lowercase, her intensity was never properly communicated.

Author's Note

Read Me.