Spike's Tragic Suicide

by Raw Cringe

Rating: teen
Tags: Tragedy, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Sad, Main 6, Drama, Spike
Length: 1285

"Oh, Spike," *sob* "you had so much to live for... whyyyy!" *sob*

Poor, poor, poor, poor Spike!

What mental anguish, what inner demons could have driven him to a fate like this?

O, woe are we, filthy ponies! We have sinned gravely, we who never recognized his surpassing genius nor grasped his astonishing originality nor perceived the radiant shining beauty of his pure, unstained soul!

*falls sobbing onto dirt road, rips clothes in anguish, grasps a tortured hoofful of dust and throws it on head*

Published 2017-10-05 21:50:07 UTC
Last updated 2017-10-05 21:50:07 UTC

The Saddest Story Ever

"I'm no good to anyone," said Spike. "I think I'd better just die."

Twilight Sparkle giggled. "Oh, Spike. You're such a joker! Help me with breakfast."

What torture. What sorrowful anguish! Can mere ponies, who have not lived the life of spike, ever hope to catch a glimpse of comprehension of what chaos must have reigned in his pure, childlike mind that morning?

Ah! To be thus trapped, caught without buoy in the extremest vicissitudes of emotional torment—and to have no one, not even one's life's companion, who understands!

Ah! Ah! Oh! Ah!

"I'm a stupid and worthless piece of trash, with no hope," said Spike. "I should go off and die."

Rainbow Dash looked askance at him.

"Uh, Spike? Did you get into Fluttershy's medicine cabinet again? Those pills aren't for boys, you know..."

"Nevermind," grumbled Spike.

Rainbow Dash thought for a minute. Spike was staring blankly at the ground, with his arms hanging languidly at his sides.

"Spike, you... you do know you're not worthless... don't you?"

Spike gave a small groan, without looking up. "Don't lie to me."

Rainbow's eyes widened, and her wings stiffened.

"Omigosh, omigosh! SPIKE, stay right there, okay?" She leaped into the air and flittered frantically back and forth. "I'm gonna... uh... help! Yeah! I'll go get someone. Rarity! I'll go get—oh wait, Rarity's out of town... uh, Twi—no... Fluttershy! I mean, yes, Fluttershy! Or someone! Just stay there, okay?"

Rainbow Dash sped off, leaving Spike all alone again.

All alone.

Again.

Ha, ha, ha. Stupid, ugly Spike. What an idiot. It's no surprise that he would be left all alone in his moment of crisis!

Abandoned! Left out! Disregarded!

Cruelly abandoned to the whims of fate, by the very Element of Loyalty—what a sick burn! Spike BTFO, how can dragons ever recover?

That was a little joke. All dragons are worthless shitstains on the putrid underwear of society, so, naturally, they can never, ever, ever recover.

It doesn't matter if they're "good people". The only good dragon is a dead dragon!

Death is good for dragons! Death is good, period! Death, death, deathdeathdeath!!!

"I'm terrible," said Spike. "I think I need to die."

"What do you mean?" said Pinkie Pie.

"I mean I need to die."

Pinkie laughed in a healfhearted, gasping way. "Wh-wh-whaaa... Spike, this isn't like you! Where's that's cheerful, energetic dragon I've known for so long?"

Spike stared into oblivion. "He's already dead. I'm his walking corpse."

"C'mon, Spike, don't talk like that." Pinkie's eyes quavered. "You're scaring me."

There it was. The instinctive selfishness. Of course she would think only of herself—it comes with the low earth pony IQ.

Such brutish creatures could never understand the glory, the tragic majesty, of a draconic soul. Their eyes would forever be fixed on the dirt, their desires limited to their stomachs. Worms! Nothing of grandeur, no notion of the great movements of fate and history could penetrate into such simplistic vessels.

The persistent condescension required to live among the brutes wore upon spike, demeaning his naturally aristocratic faculties of mind. None, no, not one among such low races could be worthy of the breath or the glance of even the meanest of dragons. Only the most mythical and metaphysical of ponies, the exalted unicorns, and then only the best of them, could ever be meet companions for such an one.

What a tragedy of nobility!—to lower oneself for the sake of the groveling masses, to selflessly sacrifice one's own inborn greatness out of a magnanimous love for the multitude!—who are unworthy to even understand such a gift, let alone receive it!

Spike paced slowly toward the doors of Carousel Boutique. He was generously giving life one final chance to impress him.

Knock, knock, knock.

"Hello?" he said, with a final confidence in the outcome. "Rarity? Are you there?"

Knock, knock, knock.

Silence.

It was known beforehand, decreed from all eternity. As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be. The indifferent hand of fate had written; spike could do naught but obey.

"All right, then," said Spike. "Time to end it all."

He pulled a caping knife out of hammerspace, and contemplated its short, aggressive blade. He made a motion, but stopped suddenly.

"Wait! I have to say something profound for my last words. They're all that anyone will remember about me, after all!"

Spike thought for a moment. Then he kept thinking.

"What can I say that's super profound? It has to be just right..."

Spike began pacing in front of the Boutique entrance. But he quickly stopped.

"Boom! Got it."

He ran to the Ponyville Square and stood up on the statue of Princess Celestia. The market was slow today, but it was good enough.

Spike raised his voice. "Hear ye, hear ye, citizens of Ponyville!"

The shoppers and retailers glanced curiously up at him.

Spike continued, relishing the attention.

"Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you."

With that, Spike whipped out his knife, and in one motion, he sliced himself open, removed his own innards, stuffed himself, and sewed himself back together!

A suicide by taxidermy!

Everyone cried so much that day.

Moans and groans shook the foundations of the heavens, and tears watered the flowers of the earth.

Even God himself shed a tear.

"Oh, Spike... how could I have let this happen to you?" cried Twilight Sparkle between sobbing gasps. "I was so inconsiderate! So hateful! Why did I allow myself to be blinded to your greatness by so much hatred? Why couldn't I see that you were the single greatest thing in my life? Oh, for a chance to start over! I love you, Spike, please come back!"

Rainbow Dash yelled with tear-filled eyes. "I'm sorry, Spike! I'll never fly again! It's all my fault you were forced into killing yourself! Me and my stupid wings!" She lowered her eyes and nuzzled Fluttershy, who was crying gently into her shoulder.

"Spike, wherever you are, if you can hear me, I hope you're... I hope you're smiling!" said Pinkie Pie. "I'm sorry I was too stupid and worthless to ever bring a smile to your face while you were still here with us! Please, please forgive me!"

Applejack stood silent, with tear-stained cheeks, holding her hat to her heart. "Land' sakes, Spike," she whispered.

At that moment, Rarity came sprinting into Ponyville Square. Fear and disbelief were carved into her features.

"I—I just heard," she said. "I came back from Canterlot as fast as I could, but... is it really true?"

"Yes," said Twilight, "damn it all, our little Spike is gone forever!" She pointed to his stuffed corpse.

Rarity collapsed, shaking all over, eyes wide. She crawled a few paces toward Spike, staring into his empty eyes, and stretched out a forlorn hoof as if to call him back from the great beyond.

But the moment was too much for her, and she winced and burst into tears.

"My darling little... Spikey... Wikey... uuuuuuhuhuhuhuhhhhuuuuuuuuuuh," she cried, pounding the ground helplessly and rolling in the dirt.

With a final wail sent up to heaven, Rarity expressed her great and deep sorrow that her thoughtless, careless life had led inevitably to this sour conclusion.

“SPIKE!!!!”

Twilight Sparkle wobbled toward Rarity, and collapsed beside her. She whispered warmly into Rarity's ear.

"He was a true hero... a true hero."

"Yes," agreed Rarity. "That's exactly right. He was a hero for all of us. And we'll never, ever, ever, ever forget how heroic he was."