Author's Note
Humanized. Twilight and Spike are siblings. Twilight goes to school, and she isn't friends with the Mane Six. Inspired by the song What Is Love? by Jaymes Young
Don't
She lay awake at night. Staring at the wooden ceiling above her, tossing and turning. Thoughts rushing over her mind, thoughts that she couldn't get rid of. She glanced towards her side where she saw her brother, Spike, lying on his bed near her sleeping. So restful and in peace.
Twilight remembered when she was restful, felt like months ago. She clenched her fists, and sighed.
She got up from bed, and sat on her bed, thinking. Every time she took a sigh, it felt like her chest was swarming with emotions, and it indeed really bothered her.
Feelings of infatuation. Love. What were these emotions meaning? Why were they happening?
Stupid brain. Only reason I feel like this is because falling in love causes our body to release a flood of feel-good chemicals that trigger a specific physical reaction. Twilight thought to herself, trying to figure out a rational approach to her problem.
She started clicking her fingers together as she began to thinking again. She couldn't stop, she was confused. First time in a while feeling confused.
Twilight thought she would be prepared for what came in life. But now, she never felt so unprepared. She actually fell in love with someone real, and now she was completely stupid and disorganized in her mind. Twilight hated it. But she couldn't help but love the rush of happiness.
My brain wants dopamine. That’s all. Twilight thought to herself, knowing subconsciously she was lying to herself. I can stop this.
She then focused on the cause of these emotional problems, the one she kept on thinking about, Rainbow Dash. She couldn't believe that she was falling in love with one of her teammates and classmates. But she learned pretty well, that her emotions were hard to control.
Twilight kept getting flickers of memories. How she found it cute whenever Rainbow stuck her tongue out whenever she was running hard, how great it was to see her being assertive and playing with the boys.
Talk about girl power. Now if only she could press me on the wall and kiss me. Twilight said, her mind flickering towards fantasy.
There it was again. Fantasy. Twilight could just picture it perfectly in her head, she was walking near the track and Rainbow would come over. They’d talk a bit, before Rainbow would grab her hands gently and tell her something. Before she knew it, Rainbow would press her lips against Twilight’s and it would be magical indeed.
Unless I messed up. That would suck. Twilight thought.
She clenched her fists again as she cringed.
Stop. Thinking. About. Her. Twilight thought, as she shut her eyes tight.
Twilight lay back in bed.
Maybe I could find scientific approaches to seeing if she likes me. Twilight said. Subconsciously when someone likes you, their feet point toward your direct. Gah stop, Twilight! Stop! You don’t want to fall in love. She’ll probably hurt you.
She bit her lip. But she wanted it so badly. Twilight wanted to date Rainbow. Simple as that, but she was afraid. Afraid that if Rainbow Dash didn't feel the same way, she would lose her. It absolutely killed her.
Twilight didn't want to be vulnerable. And now, she was vulnerable, even in her mind, whenever she would gaze at Rainbow Dash talking to other people, the way she couldn't ignore her voice whenever Rainbow spoke. The way she fantasized about..
Losing it again, Twilight. She thought.
She remembered the days in the past when she always fell in love with strong female characters from fiction, and usually would ponder about her imaginary relationships with them, that she never considered what would happen if she actually fell in love with someone who resembled those characters in real life!
It’s like my emotions are one step ahead in beating me, and I don’t know what game we’re playing. Twilight thought.
Twilight turned to her left side, she closed her eyes, trying to sleep, but it felt like her mind was lit up, and she felt sore and tired all over her body, but mentally she was activated.
Well, a few months ago, I was glad I had no one to lie awake at night thinking about. Twilight thought.
Truth be told, Twilight was lonely. She never had any friends really, Spike, who was her brother, and maybe a few others in the running team where she was partners with Rainbow, the team were preparing for a running competition called the Iron Run Competition.
Good times. Twilight thought.
At least with her team, she didn't feel quite as alienated as she usually did, it was also a time when she felt like she could literally run away from her problems. When the pain of running up a hill was better than the pain that controlled her.
She remembered thinking during their team stretches about Rainbow, silently gazing at her, wanting to tell her the truth about how she felt.
But every time Twilight did, she couldn't help but feel like the consequences would kill her more than what her emotions were doing.
She didn't have a chance with Rainbow.
Twilight was always the silent one, the one thinking, the book nerd, the one who’s face always looked pissed off. The resting bitch face, Twilight would call it.
Twilight never did have friends, but she never wanted friends. But now, it was like the feeling of loneliness and the want for close friends was killing her. Books were her friend, books were her lovers. But now she craved for something real, and that scared her.
Alone is what I have. Alone is what protects me. Twilight thought to herself, but even she didn’t know whether to believe it.
But why now? Why crave it?
However, she did crave it. She craved Rainbow. Twilight lusted after her body, she wanted to feel her fingers running through Rainbow’s hair, to laugh with her, maybe even to compete against her playfully.
Sad part is… Twilight thought. That she’ll never know I’m thinking about her at night, that I stare when she’s not looking, that I am always trying to find a way to talk to her… But I’m scared of getting hurt.
Now her mind was rushing forward into a probable future, in a future where she never tells Rainbow her feelings for her. A future when she's laying in bed, with regret, regret that she never told her.
I wonder what hurts more. Twilight painfully thought. Not trying and getting hurt, or trying and getting hurt. Do I even want to try?
It was like a drug. It was like an addiction. Fuming into her veins, making her heart beat faster, a thrilling rush, a happy rush. But then would come the snake bite into her veins, the poison of pain flowing through her body and mind. And maybe a scream internally of confusion and madness.
A cry no one would hear.
Stop hurting me. Twilight thought. Don’t hurt me anymore
. . .
The next day, she sat at her table, eating, trying to read a book and get her mind off her feelings. All Twilight wanted was an escape but it seemed like she wasn’t going to get at it, at least not now. Her hands tensing up, her eyes dimmed a bit with tiredness, and her nails clenching into her fists, bringing a little bit of pain into her palms.
At least this feels better than being in love. Twilight thought to herself bitterly.
Spike walked down the staircase going down, wearing a blue and green hoodie, looking a bit out of it. He glanced towards his older sister, before walking towards the table.
‘’Hmm, you're dressing nicer than usual. ‘’ He said.
Twilight knew this.
‘’You never dress this nice, actually. Only recently.’’ Spike said, suspicion rising in his tone. ‘’You never want to impress anybody.’’
Twilight gulped. ‘’No, I, uh, felt like making use of my nice clothes.’’
Spike glanced at her with uncertainty, he nodded before walking off.
‘’Hey, Spike?’’ She asked.
Spike stopped and turned. ‘’What?’’
‘’Have you ever felt like your emotions keep getting you..?’’ Twilight said. ‘’…Even if you keep running farther away?’’
Spike scoffed, his thoughts directing to his feelings for Rarity. ‘’All the time.’’
‘’What do you do?’’ Twilight asked.
Spike shrugged. ‘’It hurts to love, but it’s impossible not to try.’’
Twilight gazed in the distance, understanding and reflecting on the words.
‘’You like her.’’ Spike said.
Twilight glanced over at him, sweat trickling down her forehead. She bit her lip.
‘’I see the way you look at her.’’ Spike said, with a giggle. ‘’I swear your eyes go up and down like a yoyo.’’
. . .
Her shoulders pressed against the trunk of the tree. Her eyes gazing at the blue sky, her muscles a bit sore following her running practice.
The bittersweet feeling of her heart falling down her chest was getting tiring. She certainly felt high, almost as if she took drugs, but she knew for certain she wasn’t. Unless, infatuation was a drug, and then maybe you could say, she certainly overdosed, or maybe she just couldn't stop the addiction.
Rainbow was her addiction.
She pressed her hands against her face, and made a sigh out of exasperation. Twilight just wanted a sign.
Just tell me. Twilight thought.
It was like every time Twilight looked at her, she felt like she was falling in love all over again, and the same feeling of her heart flying out of her chest kept weighing against her.
Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Twilight thought.
She remembered a few days ago when she bumped into Rainbow, they had a great conversation, and Twilight would make a few jokes, and Rainbow would laugh back. It felt great, it felt real. It felt genuine.
She remembered how Rainbow’s face was always smiling when she was around Twilight, and how they both seemed happy around each other.
‘’Hey you can do this.’’ Twilight remembered saying to Rainbow, when she was feeling down.
‘’Thanks…’’ Rainbow said quietly.
Or the times whenever Rainbow intentionally got closer to Twilight. Or maybe that accidental stare Rainbow would give her.
Twilight began thinking. Rainbow was athletic, Twilight was good, but she was more of a book nerd. Rainbow was extroverted, and Twilight was introverted. Compatibility.
They were perfect, on paper. But reality and fate? Well, they’re tricky.
Maybe she does like me. Twilight thought. Maybe this was meant to be.
. . .
But, Twilight realized later on. Nothing works. She was too late. She was hurt, and she didn't want to tell Rainbow. She was in love, but in denial.
Stop hurting me. Stop hurting me. Twilight thought over and over. Don’t hurt me anymore.
She couldn’t stop thinking about it. He didn’t deserve Rainbow, he did not deserve to press his lips against hers, he suppressed her independently, he didn’t deserve her at all. He won't give her poetry and sweet gestures. But Twilight knew she would.
She thought of all the times that a date with Rainbow would feel like. How she’d pounce on Rainbow and they'd tackle each other to the ground. Or the times Rainbow would softly punch her on the shoulder. Or the way that Rainbow would call her ‘’Egghead.’’
Twilight hated thinking about something that would never come true. But she still couldn't resist smiling from thinking about the thought, pure curiosity flooding her mind, until it vanished with a trace when she thought of the boy Rainbow was dating.
Why not me? Twilight thought.
Rainbow had a boyfriend. An average looking male with fairly decent muscles and a nice smile. Jealousy ripped over Twilight’s emotions.
Maybe, he’s fine. I’m just thinking this way because I have feelings for her, that’s all. Twilight thought to herself.
But she couldn't deal with it. She should've done, she had no chance, she had a percentage of a chance, but even then, the odds were never in her favor.
Twilight lay back, trying to forget. Just wanting to get rid of her emotions.
I hate this feeling. She thought.
She felt like the world was intentionally ripping her to shreds.
Rainbow will never know how I felt. Twilight thought. Baby don't hurt me, anymore.
