"I Mean, I Guess I'd Fuck a Cat"
Cut That Shit Out Right Meow
The day is saved. Order is restored in Equestria. The storm king was shattered, not murdered. There's a big difference. And the Princesses have been returned to their proper power. So now our scene once again settles on the quiet, serene town of Ponyville. The ponies bustle to and fro after the devastating events no more than a week earlier. Some repair projects are deep underway to repair the damage done by the Storm King's airships, but life has otherwise gone on as if nothing ever happened.
Such is life in Equestria. One day your hardest decision of the day is to have toast with peanut butter or jam, the next day would be what book to check out from the library. Of course, then the next would be pondering the ethics of eating your friends in order to survive, but then the world would return to relaxing jogs around the lake and a spontaneous trip to Sugarcube Corner. Life works in mysterious, wonderful ways.
But at Carousel Boutique, the effects of the Elements of Harmony's journey was still reverberating strongly. Applejack was sitting in Rarity's parlor, staring at her friend with a perplexed look on her face.
"So... lemme just get this straight," Applejack said. "You thought capper was... handsome."
"For the one-hundredth time, Applejack, honestly. Yes. He was quite dapper. It's really quite a shame we didn't get to say more before he made his way back across the desert."
"Are you..." Applejack paused, putting a hoof to her mouth. "Do you have a crush on him, Rare?"
Rarity had been idly fussing about a ruffle of fabric on one of her newest creations, however Applejack's question caught her so off guard she accidentally tore the hem off of the dress in front of her."
"Applejack! How could you ask such a question?!" Rarity said, turning on the spot, her cheeks growing flush. "It's so uncouth."
"Yeah, well. I don't really do the whole fancy thing super well, if you remember. But you had your eyes glued on that cat the whole trip. And you were sweet talking him somethin’ fierce."
"So?" Rarity said, turning from her friend. "He was quite polite. And a dapper gentlecat."
"You... do remember that he-"
"But he made up for it!" Rarity said, cutting off her friend. "You don't need to rehash the whole journey Applejack, I remember it as clear as if it were last week."
"It... was last week," Applejack corrected.
"Remember how we agreed there was such a thing as too honest, darling?" Rarity said, moving to her sewing kit to fix the damage she had done to her dress. "We really must work on that more."
"But you keep dodging the question. You did this with Trenderhoof too!"
"I did not!" Rarity retorted. "I remember distinctly approaching him and telling him my feelings."
Applejack scowled at her friend.
"Listen. That's not even why I'm here," Applejack said as Opalescence leapt into the room and began to rub her sides against the apple mare. "You do realize I that he's basically a cat, right?"
"I don't know what you're talking about," Rarity said. "He's some... living cat species. Or something. Like Diamond Dogs."
"Yeah, and Diamond Dogs are nice and all. But I didn't get attracted to a Diamond Dog."
"Nor should you," Rarity added. "They're mangy and unclean. Spend all their time in the dirt looking for gems. And remember how they kidnapped me that one time?"
"Yes, Rarity," Applejack said with a sigh. "But you're dodging the point again. How do you think it would look if all of a sudden I was attracted to a Diamond Dog."
"Well, I'd say that's your own business and leave it be. See Applejack, is that so hard?" Rarity replied, picking her final supplies out of her sewing box. "I don't understand why I'm getting the interrogation."
"Don't you think it would be... a bit weird that I would be attracted to a Diamond Dog, but have Winona as a pet?" Applejack said flatly.
Rarity paused for a moment, letting the point sink in.
"I don't see your point," Rarity said flatly with a lie.
"Either you're dense, or just not getting it." Applejack sighed and rose to her hooves. "You are a Pony. He is a Cat."
"So?" Rarity asks.
"You two are not the same species."
"That's racist."
"No! Just. Ugh. Rarity!"
"What, Applejack?!" Rarity barks back. "I'm listening, but all I'm hearing from you is closed minded rural thinking. Cross species relationships are becoming more and more accepted these days and that's nothing to be ashamed of."
"He is a Cat, Rarity," Applejack reiterates. "That is NOT what I'm saying."
"So what if I want to fuck a cat?!" Rarity growls. Opalescence stops dead in her tracks and stares at her owner. "Oh, sorry dear. Not you. I. Oh. I think I'm beginning to see it now."
"Would you fuck Opal, Rarity?" Applejack asks.
"No! I wouldn't fuck a cat!" Rarity says. "Don't be preposterous."
"Okay, well good."
"Just, you know. Sapient cats. There's a difference."
"So what if Opal could talk?" Applejack fires back.
"Well, first. I don't swing that way, as much as it disappoints Rainbow Dash. And next, if it's a male cat... well. I suppose it's all about the person inside, not outside. Who am I to judge?"
"Rarity, you're still not getting it," Applejack says as Opal backs out of the room, a nervous look filling her face. "Do you know about Cat Dicks, Rarity?"
Rarity stares at Applejack flatly.
"It's not the size darling, much as your brother would like to disag-"
"Okay, Gross," Applejack says. "Don't be gross, Rarity. I'm tryin' to help you."
"Fine," Rarity says flatly, putting down her things and giving Applejack her undivided attention. "What is so special about cat dicks?"
"They're barbed," Applejack says flatly.
A silence falls over the room as Rarity opens her mouth, then closes it.
"Wait, so, like, spiked?" Rarity says.
"Yes, they'll do incredible damage inside you. Like, tear you up. Make you bleed. And I can only imagine since he's larger than, well, a normal cat. Then he'd do more damage."
Rarity pauses for a moment, and then takes a deep breath. She looks to the ground as her cheeks turn a deep shade of crimson.
"And you know this from..."
"Reading Books?!" Applejack shouts. "Get your mind out of the gutter, Rare."
Rarity bites her lip as Applejack sighs and puts a hoof on her friend's shoulder.
"I get it, Sugarcube. He's a nice feline. Probably one of the better ones out there. But is it really worth the pain?" Applejack says.
"A-actually," Rarity says. "That's kind of hot."
Another deep silence fills the room.
"Okay, whoa," Applejack says, standing up and stepping away from the fashionista. "Too much information."
"Hey, just because it's not your fetish doesn't mean it's bad."
"I really don't want to know, Rare. I really don't want to know," Applejack called back as she placed a hoof on the exit to the building.
"The Endorphin Rush is amazing!" Rarity called back to her friend as she walked out. She looked back to the dress she was working on, then to a piece of paper on the counter. She rushed over to the parchment, took a quill and immediately went to work.
"Dear Capper. I hope you're doing well! I had you on my mind today and was wondering if you would be interested in meeting up for drinks...."
