Spike’s Substitute O&O Session

“So you’re walking through the forest.” Spike looked over the OM screen. “The birds have become suspiciously quiet. The sun has started its way beneath the horizon. After ten minutes the path will be difficult to make out. What do you do?”

“I fly above to make sure that there’s nothing threatening in the area!” Ember announced. “And if I see anything threatening I beat it up!” She slammed her fist on the table. “Actually—” She scratched her chin. “—if I see something non-threatening I beat it up as well!”

Spike wanted to sigh. Half an hour playing and she still couldn’t get the hang of things. It wasn’t that Ember wasn’t into the game. On the contrary, she’d quickly become engaged in it. However, she still couldn’t distinguish between herself and her character. All attempts on Spike’s part to explain her character didn’t have her real life skills had fallen on deaf ears. Ultimately, it had been far painless just to change her character to a fire-breathing bat pony dragon paladin, even if it was a prestige class, and get on with the adventure.

“You need to do a spot check to find threats,” Starlight whispered. “Since you’re in the air and have the night vision trait, you should get a bonus of plus four. And if you combine that with the prestige bonus and level boost, that gives a total of plus seven.”

Damnit, Starlight! Spike glared at the pony. It was bad enough she had used the excuse that characters started at level ten to create a Minstrel Mage hybrid with virtually every non-specialized spell and advantage in the book. Even more annoying, she would constantly “give advice” to other players, ruining several of Spike’s cunning traps.

“Nice!” Ember grabbed the die and tossed it on the table. “Take that, hidden monsters!”

All eyes were on the die. It spun a few times, passing through the aether image of Canterlot, then stopped on a one.

“Argh!” Ember growled. “Reroll!”

“Don’t think that would be a good idea, sugarcube.” Applejack shook her head. “Says here you can only use the skill three times per day. I reckon best save it for a battle when you really need it. There are some pretty tough critters in this here forest. You never know if we won’t be attacked by a Timberwolf pack during the night.”

“Well, I think that rolling is vulgar!” Rarity humphed. “Anypony could roll dice. It takes real skill to describe your actions. For example, how are you flying over the forest, what are you looking for? Was there anything in your backstory that would give you enough experience and understanding to know what would stand out?”

“That would still require a roll, Rarity.” Starlight giggled. “Although, you’re right. Backstory would have given another plus two. Wouldn’t have mattered, though, not on a critical fail.”

“You fly a few times over the trees,” Spike raised his voice. “You see a few birds and squirrels, but you are convinced that there’s nothing dangerous or threatening.”

“Great! I quickly fly back to the group and warn them of the danger!” Ember grabbed her character sheet.

“Wait? What?” Spike blinked. “What danger?”

“You said I’m convinced there is no danger.” Ember looked at him with a triumphant smile. “Yet because I rolled a critical fail, I know that’s wrong, so there is a danger! Hmm. I think I’ll burn a few trees down so we could make—“

“What?” Spike jumped. “You can’t do that!”

“Why not?” Ember raised an eyebrow.

“Your character is convinced that everything is fine. So you can’t be alarmed that everything is fine.”

“But I know I rolled a critical.” Ember crossed her arms. “As you’ve kept reminding me every time I roll the dice, a one means a failure regardless of skills or stats.”

“Yes, but you can’t...” Spike was at a lack of words. This was not how the game was supposed to be played! In-character and out-of-character knowledge were supposed to be treated separately. Everyone was supposed to know that! Why are you doing this to me?! Spike wanted to cry. He liked having Ember in the party, but the constant arguments were driving him insane, and he didn’t want to upset her by pointing that out. It was so much easier with his usual group. There he could shout at anyone without feeling bad. “You see—“

“What Spike is trying to say is that you have to live your character, darling,” Rarity came to the rescue. “Picture the scene. You have just done a few quick sweeps above the trees. You’ve focused on spotting any threat, awake that our encounter in the inn is likely to have alerted our enemies to our presence. We are about to sleep in a dangerous, and frankly filthy, forest full of dangers, so have been paying special attention not to miss a thing. And after your flight you’ve failed to see anything. That is what your character experiences. She hasn’t seen a huge die roll in front of her.”

Oh, Rarity. Thanks for the support. Spike’s smile widened as he melted behind the screen.

“Oh, it’s the feelings thing again.” Ember frowned. “So, I land back near you girls and say that I didn’t notice anything.” Her forehead was burning red with effort. “But!” She took a deep breath. “I still think we must make a barricade in case we’re attacked.”

“Well done!” Rarity clopped her hooves. “That was magnificent, darling! I almost couldn’t have done better myself!”

“Yes, good thinking.” Starlight nodded. “In character and we still get a plus two bonus on initiative rolls if attacked because we’re prepared!”

“Argh!” Spike raised his arms.

I take back everything I said about Discord! He’s definitely not the worst rules abuser! Starlight is! If Trixie hadn’t agreed— The sudden thought of Trixie sent shivers down his spine. If she had been a substitute things would have been intolerable. Besides, these were the usual growing pains of a new group. The only reason Spike was so annoyed was because he didn’t expect them to be so good at it… and it was difficult arguing with ponies he felt close to. Rarity remained his one true love, but he had a few minor crushes on the everyone in this room as well.

“Anyway,” Spike cleared his throat, pulling the screen closer so as to hide the blush on his cheeks. “What will you do?”

“If you ask me, Marble should look around,” Applejack said. “She’s always good at finding stuff. Besides, she might find some rare herbs I could use to make one of them potion things.”

Enter the expert druid. Unlike the other characters, Applejack had remained with a non-prestigious class. Unfortunately, she made up for that by knowing the bestiary by heart. As much as Spike hated to admit it, she knew more about the lore than him at this point, plus was also rather familiar with the rules. The dragon now regretted letting her read through the Master’s Guide. And of course, there was Marble Pie—the scariest of them all. She didn’t have any knowledge of O&O, had selected a simple Monk class, didn’t engage in any out-of-character behavior, or in-character behavior for that matter... instead, she’d always roll a critical success when needed. Minions, traps, monsters, all had proven powerless against her luck.

“Uh huh.” Marble nodded and rolled a twenty.

Of course it’s a success. Spike wanted to cry. There went another carefully crafted encounter.

“You’re convinced that there are no monsters or dangers of any type.” Spike sighed. “And you find—“ he rolled a die “—three Moondusk flowers in the area nearby.”

“Mighty thanks, Marble. With that I’ll be able to make some magic potions, I reckon.”

“That would be rather useful, darling, but maybe you could also make some mane glistening potion as well?” Rarity interrupted. “We shall, after all, be going far and wide throughout this land, and it would simply be scandalous if we didn’t look our best! Why—” she gasped “—what if some prince or noble sees me in this wretched state?!”

“An outright tragedy.” Applejack narrowed her eyes.

“Well, excuse me for being concerned about the image of our group!”

“Party,” Starlight corrected.

“Party!” Rarity said, giving Starlight a side glare. “I don’t have anything against you having lower social standards, but unless we impress the correct ponies, we won’t stand out among the dozens other groups... parties—” she corrected herself “—competing with us. The very least you could do is make a few mane potions before going on with your usual dice-roll enhancements.” Rarity waved a hoof.

Uh-oh! Spike felt his scales itch. He had seen enough arguments to know where this was going. The only reason there weren’t too many conflicts during character creation was because Rarity was busy editing her character's backstory while Applejack was reading the O&O bestiary.

“It is starting to get dark!” Spike said quickly. “The sun has gone beneath the horizon. In a few minutes night will fall, leaving you stranded in the forest. What do you do?”

“I start bashing down trees so we can fortify our position!” Ember immediately said and rolled a die.

“Really?” Spike narrowed his eyes. “You can’t just start bashing down trees as if they’re toothpicks. That would be impo—“

The die landed on a one. Ember looked at it, then at Spike, then grabbed the die and hid it behind her back.

“You said I couldn’t do it!” Ember snapped. “So I don’t do it!”

“I reckon we should start a campfire,” Applejack mused. “And get our tents ready. There’s no telling what the evil whatshername sent after us. Also I reckon some of those food rations would be mighty tasty about now.”

“That’s actually a good idea for once,” Rarity said, examining her hoof. “We could use some sleep and continue in the morning. After all, it’s a long way to...” her words trailed off. Rarity glanced at the ceiling, tapping her lip. “Where are we going exactly?”

Everyone looked at each other. A large smile crept onto Spike’s face as he slid down behind the screen. Finally! Few things warmed an OM’s heart as a party’s realization they had messed up. Spike was no exception. When they had left the inn and headed for the forest he had chucked at their lack fore-planning. Snickering, he glanced at his list of NPC monsters.

“We’re off to destroy Grizwald the Black and rescue Prince Spike!” Ember said, ending the phrase with a snicker.

“Yes, of course.” Rarity covered her mouth with her hoof. Giggling filled the hall. “But where are we off to exactly? I mean do we even know where Grizwald is hiding?”

“I roll Bardic Knowledge!” Starlight said and levitated a die in the air. It spun several times before landing on a thirteen.

“You remember several tales about Grizwald having a hiding place in the volcano mountain of Xordorf, the pirate island in the Shark Archipelago, and several in the desert fireforests to the south.” Spike rubbed his hands. Nice try, Starlight. I, however, am the master! “There’s no telling if any of them are true. Maybe they all are? Maybe you shouldn’t have killed the rock minion in the inn?” He snickered.

“Yeah.” Starlight frowned. “Maybe we should have searched him for clues before we set off.”

“I search him now!” Ember announced.

“Ha! You can’t searchhim now.” Spike grinned. He was expecting such a reaction. “I do not allow for time jumping in my sessions. If you forget to do something at the appropriate time, you never get to do it. You cannot go back in time. And before you ask—“ he turned to Starlight “—there is no time magic in this universe! Only two deities can do that, and neither of them will appear in this campaign.”

“Okay, I still search him.” Ember crossed her arms. “I don’t need to roll for searching, right?”

“Well, you actually do.” Spike tried to limit his enthusiasm. “But it doesn’t matter since you don’t have the body of—“

“Why not?” Ember interrupted.

“Seriously? You’ve been traveling with the body of a rock warrior all this time?”

“Yeah, I carry the bodies of everything we defeated! The rock warrior, those three thieves, that moose...”

“Huh?” The image of Ember trotting through the forest with a pile of dead bodies on her back popped up in Spike’s mind. Would she continue piling them there until they were too wobbly to carry? Or maybe she’ll have Applejack build a cart for her to carry more? “Um, no!” The dragon whelp snapped out of it. “You can’t carry all those!”

“Why not? I have the strength for it. I checked!”

“She does.” Starlight nodded. “With her stats and perks she could carry a mountain if she wanted. Not that I hope we'll have to.”

Drat! “She didn’t mention picking any of them up?” Spike said, in a hopeful voice.

In truth he had no memory if she had or not. Keeping track of the conversation was a difficult task, especially since he had to constantly to juggle ideas to keep the campaign from falling apart. Originally, they weren’t supposed to go through any forest. After the initial encounter at the in, the party was supposed to have been taken prisoner on an airship that would be attacked by pirates, thus ensuring their escape.

Maybe I could still have them get kidnapped? Spike opened his premium edition Advanced Campaign Manual. There had to be something about suddenly kidnapping a party in the middle of a scene.

“Must I describe every little thing?” Ember slammed her fists on the table. “I’m a dragon! Dragons hoard! It’s the same like coming across a chest of treasure. I don’t have to say I take it, I just do!”

“Ember, darling, remember your character actions.” Rarity nudged. “I know it could be annoying and I’m sure that Spikey-Wikey will make an exception and let you keep one of the bodies, for the sake of the campaign’s plot. Right?” She batted her eyes.

Spike knew Rarity’s reaction was an attempt to manipulate him into agreeing to Ember’s request. And yet he could also concede the point. It would let me add some roleplay hooks, he reasoned. A game is for the players. And there’s nothing much they could do with the body of the rock giant...

“Okay,” Spike cleared his throat. There was a slight burning sensation in his cheeks he decided to ignore. “You search the body of the rock warrior, which you’ve been carrying,” he stressed. His attempt at guilt failed completely, as Ember was busy practice rolling the die. “You find a—“

“Stop!” Ember shouted, causing Spike to jump off his chair and fall to the ground, still gripping the advanced manual. “I want her to search!” She pointed at Marble. “Umm... as a token of trust in order to strengthen the bonds between us.”

Worst roleplay ever! Even Discord would be more logical. Then again, it wasn’t like the action would change the outcome by much. Even at a critical success, it was impossible to get more than there was. Spike was going to throw in a few coins, possibly a useless ring to add some mystery. Knowing the group they’d be arguing for hours what to do with the ring, explore its backstory, invent a character it belonged to... Nope! Totally skipping the ring! He stood up and brushed off his scales. After carefully inspecting the manual for scratches and bent edges, he climbed back on the stone chair, letting out a mental sigh of relief.

“Go ahead,” Spike said.

Marble barely tossed the die when it landed on a nineteen. Spike arched a brow. He had prepared for a critical success.

“Marble searches through the remains of the warrior... which Ember has been carrying all this time for no apparent reason.” Spike glanced at Ember. “She finds a scroll, a pouch of coins—fifty coppers and seven silvers, to be exact—and a ring.” What?! No! I didn’t mean to say that! He quickly turned to Rarity to correct his mistake; alas, he could see it was too late. The sparkle in her eyes was a clear indication of the doom to come.

“What can you tell me about that ring, darling?” Rarity smiled like a Timberwolf to a chicken.

“Bardic knowledge,” Starlight said, rolling a die.

“I reckon I’ll be setting up the campfire and cooking up potions with Marble while you three be investigating.” Applejack pulled her character sheet closer. “What do I need to roll for a fancy shampoo?”

“Umm, Umm, Umm!” Spike flicked through the pages. Inventory, inventory, inventory... “It’s an ordinary golden ring. No gem or anything on it. You could find the same in every shop or bazaar.”

“Aha!” Rarity half jumped on the table. “Oh, you’re so clever, Spikey-Wikey.” She smiled. “Trying to fool us that it’s a useless common item. Clearly the ring was given to the rock warrior by Grizwald himself to serve as a means of identification! Since Grizwald’s spies have filled the land like mushrooms after a storm, there must be a way for them to recognize each other. Whoever possesses the ring has the authority to give orders to our enemy’s lowest minions!”

“Wow!” Ember blinked. “That is a devious plan. I bet that Grizwald is a pony! Dragons would never resort to something as useless. Good work, Rarity! I would totally have missed that.”

“Well, I know a thing or two about roleplay, darling,” Rarity said with faux humility. “One of the golden rules is to pass off something valuable as something simple. You wouldn’t believe the amount of things I’ve kept safe from Sweetie Belle by making her take care of them.”

“Hmm. Maybe I should try it with Apple Bloom.” Applejack scratched her chin.

“You really should, darling. Trust me, your life will not be the same after you do. You’ll be wondering how you managed to survive without using this simple trick.”

“Ahem.” Starlight tapped on the table with her hoof. “I’m sure this is very interesting and useful advice, but maybe it can wait until after the game?” Both Rarity and Applejack looked away, slightly flustered. “For the moment, we need to decide what to do with the ring and the letter. I cast detect magic on both.” She rolled a die, resulting in an lowly ten.

That was close! Spike could feel the sweat form on his forehead. From next campaign he was going to make special erratas for both bardic knowledge and detect magic, maybe even identify. It was scary how overpowered Starlight managed to make them. The authors definitely never had her in mind when composing the rules.

“You don’t sense any magic in the ring,” Spike ventured. “It’s just a cheap ring. You can literally find it in every—“

“Darling, of course you won’t be able to detect anything.” Rarity smirked. “If It were that easy, somepony else would have done it already. And I’m sure that Spikey-Wikey is too clever to give us any easy clues.” She winked at Spike, making him forget his train of thought. “I think Marble should examine it!”

“Argh!” Spike said at the feeling of sudden betrayal. “Fiiine.” He sighed. “Marble notices a secret inscription on the inside written in invisible runes.” I can always think what the runes do later. “The runes are of no recognizable language or school of magic.” He glared at Starlight.

“Good work, darling,” Rarity whispered to Marble who offered a shy smile, not even having rolled the dice.

“The letter explains how in order for Grizwald’s plan to work, all adventurer groups must be discouraged from reaching the kingdom of Draconia, and that—”

“Pfft!” Applejack snickered.

“—and that the Seeker must be found without fail. No money or force is to be spared, but it’s important that the Seeker must be brought alive and unharmed.”

Spike grinned behind his game screen. He could almost imagine the amount of chaos this new bit of information would create, finally moving them from wrecking his setup onto internal arguments. When he had done something similar to his usual group, they had spent days arguing what to do next. Discord had turned himself into a crate in protest, Big Mac had started quoting obscure rules, and—

“I’ll go get firewood for the campfire,” Ember said. “Oh, and while I do it, I constantly look about, ready in case something weird happens or someone tries to surprise me.”

“I reckon I’ll start making the... mane potions.” Applejack gave Rarity a distinct side glare. The white unicorn clopped her hooves. “Maybe a healing potion besides.”

“I guess I’ll spend the night learning some spells for tomorrow.” Starlight started looking through the magic manual.

“Huh?!” Spike blinked.

This wasn’t supposed to happen! There were supposed to start arguing between themselves, fighting whether to reach the Draconian capital or set off to search for the Seeker. It was the most basic thing that any party would do! Seven issues of O&O Mastery describes this in great detail, going down to the depths of player psychology. There was no way the group should react in such a way. It was almost as if… they were entirely disinterested.

“Spikey-Wikey?” Rarity asked. “Is everything the alright? You seem rather worried.”

“I, err...” Spike’s words trailed off. Only now did he realize that he had knocked the game screen down, leaving himself vulnerable to outside glances, not to mention that part of his extremely secret notes were also in view.

“I suppose it’s to be expected,” Starlight sighed as she closed the manual. Spike’s cheeks turned pink. “Twilight warned me this might happen. It’s the same every time he gets too engaged in his adventuring. He’d focus so much on the story that he’d completely forget about food and drink and then end up fainting mid-session.”

What?! That’s not true! Spike’s entire face was flustered with shame. One time, he had fainted one time after an eleven hour session... and that was due to lack of sleep, not hunger! But of course Twilight would happen to walk in right then and jump to her crazy conclusions. None of the players thought it was worrisome or even weird, yet Twilight had put her hoof down, breaking the unspoken rule of “no food during playing.”

“Oh, poor thing!” Rarity levitated him closer so she could offer a supportive hug.

Umm, actually I could live with that. Spike forgot all his protests. Rules were meant to be broken, after all. And it had always been more of a guideline than anything. Everyone knew that snakes didn’t count as real food, as long as none of the manuals, maps, and miniatures got any stains.

“Come to think of it, this is a good time to pause for a bite.” Ember rolled three dice. “We’re setting up camp, we’re about chill and have a bite in game…” The sum total was five. “Argh!” She slapped her face. “I didn’t start setting the fire yet!”

“Why, Ember!” Rarity almost shrieked, as she let go of Spike leaving him to drop on the table. “You actually engaged in some roleplay! I’m so proud of you!”

Yeah, sure. Spike rattled his claws upon the table. It was cool to see Ember put in some effort, though. And I did get a free hug out of it... maybe taking a break won’t be such a bad thing. Besides, it will let me plan a surprise sneak attack when they least expect it. The dragon’s smile curved into a grin. Just you, wait, players! Soon you’ll find out that your souls are mine! ...Right after I have sapphire cookies.