Of Beanies and Beanises

by Fuzzyfurvert

Rating: teen
Tags: Rainbow Dash (EqG), Starlight Glimmer, Random, Equestria Girls, Sex, Sunset Shimmer, Slice of Life
Length: 1959

Sunset Shimmer takes Starlight Glimmer to Rainbow Dash's house to show her the beany underside of the human world.

Starlight still isn’t convinced that the strange biped world on the other side of the mirror in Twilight’s castle isn’t just some sort of complex arcane simulation. Sunset thinks she knows just the bean based exception that’ll set Starlight straight.

An unasked for sequel/crossover. Feel free to blame Majin Syeekoh for this. Part of the ‘Beanisverse’ ‘cuz I said so.

New here? Start with Beware of Beanis and follow the rabbit hole on down.

Published 2017-10-08 01:40:07 UTC
Last updated 2017-10-08 01:40:07 UTC

Consider This

Starlight Glimmer licked her ice cream cone, watching people walk their dogs on leashes in the park. She squinted at one older woman walking three poofy clouds on a multi-pronged lead. She watched the woman pass by before taking another slow lick of her vanilla snozberry swirl. “Pretty sure this is a simulation. If I squint hard enough, I think I can make out the pixels.”

“Those aren't pixels. That’s your eyelashes getting in the way and overlapping. Human eyes have crazy good resolution most of the time, but can be pretty easily screwed with.”

Starlight turned and squinted at Sunset Shimmer. The other girl sure did look pixel-y. And blurry. Starlight rolled her eyes and went back to licking her cone. “I’m still not convinced. Too many things have gone my way. Normally nothing goes my way until I whip out the mind control. I haven’t brainwashed anyone here. Which would be pretty difficult, since I haven’t unlocked the magic cheat yet.”

“Believe me, mind controlling a bunch of hairless apes is not worthwhile for any purpose.” Sunset sighed, gesturing with her own ice cream cone. “Take it from me—even if you could—if you failed, they do not take kindly to the attempt. Unlike Equestrian monkeys, humans are full on predators and will act accordingly.”

Starlight sat up and looked back at the woman with the tiny overgrown dust bunnies. “Predators? Seriously?”

Sunset stuck out her tongue and took the top of her double scoop of pistachio. She pointed at the same lady Starlight was watching. “Those used to be wolves that were bigger than the human walking them.”

“I thought humans didn’t have access to magic outside the copies of Twilight and her friends? Don’t tell me the copy of Trixie in this world is making teacup poodles for everyone?”

“Nah. Selective breeding over tens of thousands of years. No magic.” Sunset shrugged. “That’s how metal this place is, Starlight.”

Starlight blinked at Sunset, a dribblet of melted cream making its way down her waffle cone to rest on her thumb. She stared at Sunset for maybe a minute and then held up her treat to lick it and her hand clean. “That sounds like a BS reason a simulated reality would come up with to try and get me to think it was real.” She smirked. “I mean, I appreciate the effort, Sunset. It’s nice. You’re a good simulated friend for trying to reassure me of the validity of the veil pulled over my eyes. But I’m woke as hell.”

“I’M NOT SIMULATED!” Sunset barked, jerking herself up straight on the bench they shared. A nearby jogger frowned at them and politely started to jog faster away from the two girls. Sunset huffed. “I visited you in Equestria. Physically visited you. In the ‘real’ world, for crying out loud!”

Starlight raised one eyebrow. “Still not convinced.”

“Uhg…” Sunset groaned, head lolling back. “Okay, how about this? What if I could show you something in this world you can't imagine and that you don't like? Would that prove to you that all this is real?”

“Maybe.” Starlight smirked. “Show me what you got.”

Sunset stood up and scarfed down a mouthful of pistachio. “Follow me, O’ Woke One. I’m going to show you some seriously weird crap.”

Several minutes later found the pair of former ponies at the possibly simulated home of possibly simulated Rainbow Dash. Possibly simulated ice cream finished, Starlight folded her arms while they stood in Rainbow’s bedroom while Rainbow Dash herself rummaged around under a raised bed. “Sunset, I’m still not sure what we’re doing here. You said this would be something I wouldn’t like or could imagine. So far, I’m just mildly disappointed this house isn’t floating.”

“Give her a minute.” Sunset cocked her hips, a lopsided smirk on her face. “This’ll be...illuminating. Especially once you let the implications that this world’s Twilight is the one that gave it to her sink in.”

“Heck yeah!” Rainbow chimed in, head and shoulders under her bed as more than a few shoe boxes slid out. “Sorry about the mess, but I gotta keep it down here so my mom doesn’t find it while cleaning and rearranging my trophies.”

“She does that in Equestria too.” Starlight shot Sunset a smug look. “Things keep lining up. Trying to shock me with Rainbow Dash’s toy collection isn’t going to work.”

Sunset rebuffed the look with a even more lopsided smirk.

Rainbow scooted backwards, butt in the air, as she hauled out a shoe box that looked exactly like all the others. She held it up in triumph. “Here it is! Twilight’s Beanis, Mark Two, Alpha Test Model!”

Sunset’s smirk faltered, her mouth falling open. “Mark two? Two? She’s made a new one?”

Rainbow Dash grinned and jumped to her feet. She turned around and plopped down on her bed with the box in her lap. “Yeah! Twilight said if she wanted to make it in a competitive market, she needed something even better than the original. And who else to turn to to test pilot the thing than me, huh? I think it’s even more awesome now, and Fluttershy really agrees!”

“Fluttershy?” Starlight raised an eyebrow, pressing her knuckles to her lips while she continued in a quiet mutter. “Note to self, check Twilight’s shipping tables when I get back for possible Flutterdash…”

“Yeah! Fluttershy really digs this model’s ‘realistic ejaculation’ feature and the additional girth the reservoir provides.” Rainbow opened the box lid and pulled out a brown, bean textured, faux penis that practically glittered with veins of mulberry mana. “Personally, my favorite features are the self-adhesion and biofeedback.”

“Well...okay,” Starlight blinked, “I was not expecting that. But just because Rainbow Dash has a dildo that she shares with her friends doesn’t mean this world is real and separate from Equestria proper. Though the magic coloration is a dead giveaway that Twilight had a hand in this. Or a hoof. Whichever.”

Sunset gagged hard, struggling to pick her jaw up off the floor after the rundown of this new beanis’ capabilities. “R-r-real ejaculation? Biofeedback? What is Twilight thinking!?”

“Have you seen the sex toy market?” Rainbow pointed the beanis at Sunset, displaying its life-like floppability. “It’s cray-cray how weird and specific sexual aids have gotten. She’s got to make it stand out from the crowd if she wants to make any money off it.”

“So in this world...Twilight is what, the Princess of Magical Dildos?” Starlight snickered. “She does have a lot of mares around her that don’t have any sort of steady romantic relationships. I’m pretty sure Twilight, of all ponies, would be able to stretch the meaning of friendship to include helping her friends get their rocks off.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Rainbow shrugged and tossed the beanis into the air, making it spin around before she caught it again in her other hand. “Maybe you should suggest ‘Princess of Magical Dildos’ to her as a brand name, Sunset? It’ll be better than anything she’ll come up with.”

“Wait.” Sunset groaned, rubbing her face with her hands. “Slow down...Twilight assured me that these things were organically inert. How does it…” Sunset waved her hands about as she searched for the right words. “How does it cum, realistically or not? Please tell me you haven’t knocked Fluttershy—or anyone else—up with this abomination?”

Rainbow stared at Sunset. “Of course not! It doesn’t shoot actual semen, Sunset. That would be gross and completely negate the purpose of it being a replacement for my penis!” She reached back into the box and pulled out a short, squat, glass jar and held it up for both Equestrians to see. “It uses this stuff. Pretty thematically appropriate if you ask me.”

Starlight squinted at the jar, reading the label. “Juan’s Authentic White Dipping Cheese?”

“Fluttershy says she wants to try the version with jalapenos next time.”

Sunset looked a little green in the gills and turned slowly on her heel until she was facing away from Rainbow Dash and the evidence that proved, simulation or not, she was in the wrong universe. She gulped down air, hands on her stomach as she fought to keep her ice cream cone down. “I didn’t think it was possible...but you have ruined nachos forever, you insane monkeys. I am going to have such a talk with Twilight later about this. I have no ground at all to stand on when I say this, but this is not what you use magic for!”

Silence reigned in Rainbow Dash’s bedroom for a few seconds. Then Starlight spoke in a completely normal tone of voice. “So you have a penis?”

“Yep.” Dash’s tone was also normal.

“What’s that like?”

“Pretty basic, really. What’s it like not having one?”

“Eh...you know.”

Both of girls sounded like they were discussing the most pedestrian topic imaginable. Sunset Shimmer ran her fingers through her hair and breathed in and out slowly through her nose. This whole scene was not going the way she’d imagined it on the way over. Finally, she huffed and turned back around. “Does none of this strike you as the least bit disturbing? I wanted to shock you with a weird ass truth of this world, Starlight, and fuck...you just want to know what it’s like for Dash to have a dick?”

“For all I know, the real Rainbow Dash has a dick, Sunset!” Starlight threw up her arms. “We live in a magical world where practically anything is possible! You. Are. A. Pony!”

The two Equestrians faced off in another bout of silence for a few seconds. Then Sunset spoke in a far more calm tone. “So you concede that I’m a real person now?”

Starlight folded her arms and tapped her foot. “I guess.”

Sunset smirked again, lopsided and smug once more.

“So...you want to see it?” Rainbow offered from her seat on the bed, gesturing at her shorts.

“Yes.”

“No!” Sunset growled and threw her arms out. “No, no, nonono, nope! Starlight, I don’t know if it’s a magical thing or not, but everyone that sees her penis ends up with it inside them.”

Starlight worked her jaw, looking back and forth between Sunset and Rainbow.

“She’s telling the truth.” Rainbow grinned. “I only asked ‘cuz you’re here and you wanted to see my beanis...aaaannnddd maybe because Fluttershy has been dropping mad hints that I need to work on my threesome skills. Personally, I think I’m more than up to the challenge, but practice makes perfect, right?” She laughed and tossed the beanis, flipping and catching it like before. “Plus, with this bad boy, I do have two to go around.”

“Oh my god,” Sunset whipped around and stomped off toward the door, “I am not hearing this. I’m not sticking around either. I am going to hunt down Twilight Sparkle and put this thing to rest!” With her declaration made, Sunset slammed the bedroom door shut behind her and marched angrily back out into Canterlot City.

Rainbow and Starlight watched her go, listening to Sunset’s footsteps fading until they were with each other in silence. Starlight sighed, shaking her head. “You know, I still think this world is some sort of simulation created just for me, and while Sunset might be real, this whole exercise just ended up proving my point.”

“Whaddya mean?”

Starlight giggled to herself, reaching up to pull the beanie off her head. “I thought that all this world had to offer was chances to be hero and a friend. Give me free food and someone to discuss deep existential quandaries with. But now I see there is even more to it, ‘cuz on top of all that, I even get laid!”