Spike is Secretly a Twat

by All Art Is Quite Useless

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy
Length: 4269

Spike constantly goes around doing self-absorbed, rude things, yet somehow nopony notices! Score!

Spike constantly goes around doing self-absorbed, rude things, yet somehow nopony notices! Score!

Right?

Published 2017-10-08 18:40:07 UTC
Last updated 2017-10-08 18:40:07 UTC

Like Seriously the Worst

Spike's webbed, reptilian feet clacked along the ornate surface of the castle's floor as he walked towards a wall at random, eyeing the crystalline decor that encased the high spanning hallway corner. Ever since he had seen the chunks Ember took out of the walls before, the idea had stuck him as gold, and he wasn't sure how he hadn't thought of it sooner.

Licking his lips, he struck out with his claw, grabbing small morsels of crystal and beginning to greedily stuff them into his mouth, salivation from the taste dripping past the crystals and landing on the floor as he gluttonously ate his fill, and then the rest.

When Twilight came across him, she raised a questioning eyebrow. "Spike... What are you doing?"

Oh, crap! Wait, she must not have seen yet... Spike quickly licked around his mouth, removing any shiny shards that would have spelt out his crime in scintillating bold letters, tucking his hands behind his back with the remainder of the crystals and facing Twilight with what was surely an impenetrable poker face. "I-I was just... Uh, renovating!" he announced, holding up a finger to punctuate his statement, almost dropping a handful of crystal wall in the process.

Meanwhile, Twilight's expression went from confused to disinterested. "...Renovating. Right."

Worried that she had seen through his most elaborate ruse, Spike backed up further against the wall in an attempt to hide the damage. "No, I mean it! Like seriously, this wall was sooo out of shape, it would have started bumping into ponies when they walked down the hall!" Quickly, Spike, give it your all! "Uhh... You know how Rainbow Dash is always flying around in these hallways, right? And Starlight's always teleporting about? What if one of them had ended up being stuck by it? I'm just trying to be considerate."

Twilight's expression lightened; Spike was sure his bullshit had worked. "That's really nice of you, Spike. I'm glad someone's looking out for us by doing things like that, I probably would have never noticed otherwise! Well, until it was too late, at least. Good job, Spike."

Spike instinctively grinned. He absolutely loved being appraised for his work, even when he had done none. "Thanks, Twilight!"

Twilight was already walking away. "Make sure you get back to it! We don't want anypony getting hurt!" she called over her shoulder.

"Oh, don't worry, Twilight..." Spike muttered, turning back to his meal as he rubbed his hands together with glee, "I'll make sure."

When Spike had trimmed back the wall enough that it looked level on each side—and then 'renovated' two more for good measure—he decided to go into town, forgoing the list of chores Twilight had left for him. Spike was tired of hanging around the castle with nothing to do but gorge himself on ultra-rare crystals, he wanted to do something fun and exciting for a change.

Soon enough he came across Pinkie Pie, who was scrambling around frantically as usual. She gasped, paused, and jumped all at the same time as soon as she noticed Spike. Bolting over to him, she audibly inhaled before releasing an absolute torrent of noise. "Spike! I've got a party coming up for a really big crowd and my oven isn't working! So I've been trying to bake these specialty cookies that the buyers ordered like weeeeks in advance, but I didn't get a chance 'til now because the ingredients didn't come until today! And now I've got like," she glanced at her naked foreleg, "two hours to bake up a perfect batch, or I'll have to refund a third of the cost!"

Spike was dumbfounded. He usually had enough trouble taking in the things that Pinkie said, but he found it difficult to discern just what Pinkie's problem had to do with him. Waving his hand for her to continue, he went: "And?"

"And I remembered that you're a dragon and you can make really, really hot fire!" she jumped, her eyes sparking so vibrantly they could have set the world aflame, "so I thought, hey, if there's anypony—or anydragon—who can get my oven working and help me get these cookies a-bakin', it's my good pal Spike! I'd only need a few flames... What do you say, you game?"

Now that it had been spelt out to him, Spike realised what Pinkie wanted. Of course, she wants me because I'm a dragon,
and I can breathe fire. He smiled at his own deductive skills before scrutinising Pinkie, seeing only nervous anticipation of his response as she pranced in place. Stuggling to withhold a grin, Spike realised he could use this to his advantage. He wasn't the type to refuse such a simple request from a friend, but he did like to be compensated for his selfless actions, and gems alone weren't a very varied diet. "Well, Pinkie," he started, struggling not to laugh at his own genius, "I'm afraid a dragon can only produce the amount of fire you need on a full stomach... So, what I'm trying to say is..." he wiggled an eyebrow suggestively.

Pinkie momentarily frowned, before jumping in place. "Oh, I know! If I feel you up on cupcakes and shakes, you'll be able to power my oven!"

"Hmm, possibly." Spike knew he could just do it anyway, but he had put himself in an advantageous position, he might as well milk it for what it was worth. "We'll just have to see how much you've got first."

"Oh, thank you, Spike!" Pinkie bounded up to him, giving him a crushing hug which he couldn't pretend didn't hurt. "I'm really grateful! I'm gonna make sure you're so full of treats, you'll be sneezing fire for weeks!"

Spike had to hide his laughter once more. Here he was, being enthusiastically thanked for going to Pinkie's place of work and eating everything she had to offer. His life really wasn't so bad sometimes.

The chance encounter with Pinkie had ended after eight cupcakes, four shakes, three slices of cake, and a couple of eclairs. Of course, Pinkie had thanked Spike again, her bear hug even more powerful than last time, and Spike had struggled to hold in his ridiculously large lunch.

He had to admit, breathing that fire had taken it out of him. He had only had to maintain it in short bursts, but the frequency was still nothing easy to pull off. He figured that he had earned a quick respite for his good deeds.

Or he would have, if he hadn't been so unlucky as to bump into Rainbow Dash, floating in the opposite direction to him. Spike cursed his luck. It was so unfair: Here he was just trying to get out the castle and do something, and he kept bumping into all of his friends. Giving her a hard stare, he narrowed his eyes. "I bet you want something too, huh?"

"Buh?" Rainbow blinked, peering down at Spike. "Well, if you're offerin'!" she grinned, wasting no time in picking Spike up and placing him on her back, which he squirmed and protested against like a small child.

"Whoaaaa!" Spike shouted as they sped off to a grassy field outside Ponyville, not too far from the castle.

When Rainbow landed, Spike quickly clambered off, kissing the sweet, sweet ground that he had managed not to plunge down to during their flight. Rainbow merely watched this display with a cocked eyebrow and a weirded out expression. Of course she didn't get it what with her wings and all, but normal ponies and dragons didn't like being kidnapped for turbulent flights at breakneck speeds.

When Spike's focus remained on the floor for a good while, Rainbow cleared her throat. "Are you gonna be done anytime soon, Spike?"

"Well, I'm sorry," he returned in an unquestionably mocking tone, "I wasn't expecting to be kidnapped and flown here at the speed of sound!"

Rainbow instantly held a hoof to her mouth, as if she was stifling a laugh.

"What's so funny?!" Spike yelled. If there was anything he truly hated, it was being mocked.

"No, it's nothing," Rainbow waved away his concern, her ears twitching. "Anyways, I was wondering if you could help me out with something real simple. Here." From inside her flight jacket, Rainbow removed a small notepad and pencil.

"I happen to know that dragons have pretty good eyesight, so this should be a breeze for you, but it's pretty simple anyway. Basically, I invented a new flight move recently called the 'Super Septuple Spinner'."

"Septuple?" Spike asked.

"It means 'seven'."

"Ahh, I see. Is this to impress the Wonderbolts, so they'll let you on their team?"

Rainbow went to say something in response, then bit her tongue. After a couple of moments of what appeared to be strained breathing on her part, she settled with: "Spike, you do realise that I've been a full Wonderbolt for almost a year now, right?"

Spike was barely paying attention, the masses of food he had eaten were beginning to take their toll, and he could feel the energy being sapped from him. "H-huh? Oh, yeah, you're a Wonderbolt," he mumbled. "What did you want, anyway? Something about a new move?"

"Yeah," Rainbow nodded, "the Super Septuple Spinner. You're listening, right?"

Spike choked back a yawn. "Hmm? Oh, yeah, of course, Rainbow."

Rainbow handed him the notepad and pencil, turning it to a fresh page with a flick of her wing. "I've been having trouble making sure that I include seven loops in the move and not eight. Thing is, I developed this specifically for Wonderbolt show use, and during the trial I pulled it off perfectly, Spitfire said there should be space for it in the routine, and that I should teach it to the other 'Bolts. Thing is, like I said, I keep accidentally doing eight, and that'd put the whole thing completely out of sync. What I need you to do is watch my actions and write down how many times I go over seven. It should help me see if my practice is working. Can you do that?"

Even though Spike already held the notepad in his hands, it took him a few seconds to register that he was still being spoken to. He vaguely recalled something about seven loops and a routine, something to do with the notepad. Not wanting to embarrass himself by admitting he hadn't been listening, he simply nodded at Rainbow.

"Alright, great! Thanks very much, Spike, you're a lifesaver." Rising into the air and beginning to glide away, she called back to him. "I'm gonna be pretty far off, so keep an eye out! I'll come back down in about half an hour, okay?"

Again, Spike shook off the creeping haze of sleep to give a generic open response to Rainbow's question. "Okay, Rainbow!"

When she was out of sight, Spike rejoiced. He could finally do what he had been thinking about since she had started talking. Curling up in the grass, holding onto his tail, he drifted into a serene slumber, dreams filled with gemstones and praise from his friends.

He woke around twenty five minutes later to find that Rainbow was still going at it. Well, whatever it was she was doing. Panicking, Spike remembered that he was meant to be doing something for Rainbow, counting something.

He looked at the notepad, but the only clue it gave were the words 'Super Septuple Spinner' written in big letters and underlined a few times. Placing a hand to his chin, Spike began to mull over the name of the title. "Uhh, let's see... Double, triple, quadruple, quintuple, septuple... Septuple! It's six! Alright, so I'm meant to look out for six loops from Rainbow, got it."

He narrowed his eyes at her image, but found that each time she attempted the trick she was performing seven loops and seven loops exactly. Was Rainbow really that incompetent? Surely she had been at it for a while now, and she hadn't managed to get it right even once. It was almost funny, really. For all of her boasting and showing off, Rainbow Dash really wasn't all that perfect, and all it took to see that was a trained dragon's eye.

Spike almost felt sorry for her, but she had dragged him here against his will, so he didn't feel guilty about falling asleep. He had still managed to catch the end of her performance, and surely that was when she had the most practice, right? Even then she hadn't got things right, so Spike would have only been bored if he had been awake for the entire thing.

When she landed, sweating profusely from half an hour of nonstop exercise, she trotted up to Spike, eyeing him with a satisfied smile. "So, how'd I do?"

Spike didn't hesitate in cutting her down. "Well, you were doing an extra loop each time."

Rainbow did a double take, her smile quickly melting into confusion. "Wha... There's no way! I mean, wait..." suddenly, something seemed to click in Rainbow's mind: "Yeah, I guess that could have been it. Well, thanks, Spike. It was nice of you to watch for me."

"No problem!" A rejuvenated Spike beamed, handing the notepad and pencil back.

Rainbow stole a glance at the pad. As she stared at the utterly empty thing, a snarl began to appear on her muzzle, but it dissipated just as quickly. "W-well," she coughed, "I'm gonna get going. Thanks, Spike. See ya!"

"No problem!" Spike shouted after her, gratified by his good deed. It was only when she was a speck in the distance that Spike realised how unbelievably rude it was that she hadn't offered him a lift back to town after dragging him all the way out here. "Ah well," he sighed, "guess I'll have to walk."

Two minutes of walking later, he was back into town. He considered taking a stroll down to Sweet Apple Acres and seeing what Applejack was up to, but he really didn't fancy getting stuck in with farmwork. He had done enough backbreaking labour for one day. Instead, he decided to go and see Fluttershy. Playing with the animals was always fun, and she made a real nice cup of tea. It was nice to be on the receiving end of hot drinks being made for once.

Hanging out at Fluttershy's had been a blast. She had asked him to look after her pets briefly while she went into town to grab ingredients for a soup they could share, and he had happily agreed to help. After all that he had eaten already, a light, healthy soup sounded almost heavenly by comparison.

She had asked him to do, well, something while he looked after the pets, but he had quickly forgotten what. Luckily, when Fluttershy returned she hadn't said anything to him, so it couldn't have been that important.

He had stayed with her and eaten, talked about all of the crazy things he had had to do today and how trying it had all been, and then once he had eaten everything she had to offer and bitched about everything he had to bitch about, he had taken his leave, thanking her before leaving because he always made an effort to be as polite as he could.

By now, it was late afternoon, and Spike didn't like to be out alone after dark. Walking through Ponyville took him past the Carousel Boutique, but he thought better than to see Rarity while he was feeling bloated from all that he had eaten. He had to be at his absolute best while around her, it was the only way she would remain infatuated by him.

Even though Rarity had never returned his affection, Spike also knew that she wasn't seeing any other ponies. Because of that, he had worked out that she was simply waiting for the most opportune time to approach him and requite his love. It was that simple, really. It had to be.

He got home, and Twilight started to go on and on about her day and all of the important princessly duties she had had to fulfill. It really was good of Spike to not interrupt her, or to walk away until she was finished. He felt he was an exceptionally good listener, even if he took basically none of it in. When Twilight had finally stopped talking, Spike grabbed one of his favourite comics and headed up to bed.

After an hour or two of reading, he began to feel sleepy once more. Luckily, he didn't have anything else to do for the day, so he figured an early night's rest wouldn't hurt. Regardless, he had pretty much earned it with all of his hard work.

With thoughts on how average the day had been, Spike drifted into a pleasant sleep.

Four ponies sat around a table at Sugarcube Corner. It was late in the evening, and all the other patrons had cleared out, but Pinkie had kept the shop open so the other three could come in. Each one of them looked decisively pissed off, Twilight the most.

The others present realised that she looked about ready to burst a blood vessel, so Rainbow quickly motioned that she take the lid off and let everyone know what she was thinking.

Twilight's teeth grit hard as she thought over her day. "Well, where do I start? Let's see: First of all, Spike didn't bother to do any of the chores I left for him, not even one! Not to mention that he got up really late this morning. And get this, I come downstairs, and he's stuffing himself with one of the crystal walls in the hallway, taking huge chunks out of it! When I questioned him, he freaking lied to me, and said that the wall was a hazard!" Sighing, she began shaking her head. "Seriously, I don't know where he comes up with this shit."

All the while, Pinkie's face had been growing more and more animated. By the time Twilight had finished, she looked like she was about to explode. Twilight reluctantly passed the talking pillow, and Pinkie jumped up on the table with some force. "He ate your walls?!" When Twilight nodded, Pinkie's eyes narrowed. "That liar! He told me that he could only help me with my oven if he was well fed and had a full stomach, so he tricked me into feeding him like half our stock!"

Twilight's ears perked up. "...Wait, what?"

"Talking pillow," Rainbow murmured.

"No no, just quickly," Twilight said, waving a hoof. "That's not how dragon physiology works, at all. Spike can produce fire at will, he doesn't have to eat a load first."

"Then he's a double liar!!" Pinkie all but shrieked, her hooves trembling. "Ohh, wait 'till I get my hands on that dragon!"

"Remember," Fluttershy perked up, irritation bleeding from her words, "We have to be careful what we say to him."

Pinkie deflated on the spot, nodding. "I know, I know, it just makes me so mad, Fluttershy!"

"You think that's bad?!" Rainbow shouted, snatching the pillow, "I asked him for help with my flying today, and you know what he does? Sleeps through the whole thing! But not before freaking out about a twelve mile per hour flight, of course. Paid absolutely no attention to anything I said to him, and then slept through what I asked him to do! And to make matters worse, he even lied about it after, and tried telling me that I was making mistakes that I clearly wasn't! Honestly, Twilight, if it wasn't for the fact you wanna protect him, I'd have told him to go dunk his head right then, I was that mad."

"Yes," Twilight nodded, "and I don't blame you for feeling that way, but he's still a child. Not just that, but he's a dragon, he's a different species. Compared to most other dragons, he's an extremely kind and selfless creature."

"But compared to us ponies..." Rainbow trailed off.

"I get your point. Still, you know how sensitive he is. If we all started telling him what we thought of his ridiculous behaviour, then he'd probably go off on his own and get himself hurt, or go try to join Ember in the dragon lands or something. That'd be a good way to ruin the relations we've fostered with the dragons, don't you think?"

"But what's the alternative?" Rainbow asked.

"Exactly what we have been doing up until now."

"What, grinning and bearing every stupid, selfish, and ridiculous thing he does and then bitching about it in private?"

"You've gotta admit," Twilight sighed, "it's a decent form of catharsis."

"Doesn't this just perpetuate the problem?" Fluttershy asked, drawing the gaze of everypony there. "I mean... If we never tell Spike when he's out of line, how is he ever going to learn to improve? I know we ask him to do things so he has the chance to do the right thing, but if he's never going to do it, what's the point? Are we really so scared of hurting his feelings that we're going to walk on eggshells around him this much?"

"I don't know if you've noticed," Twilight asserted, "but Spike's default reaction to criticism, or, well, anything, is to run away. Remember Owlowiscious?"

"Then snap him out of it," Fluttershy stated, her tone bold, "How do you think I get bad behaviour out of my animals? I tell them to stop it, if asking nicely doesn't work. If he tries to walk all over you, don't let him. If you can do that, then maybe the rest of us can start to do the same thing, bit by bit. That way, he might actually learn to be a bit more considerate of others, rather than just thinking about himself all the damn time."

For seconds, there was only silence, and the ensuing atmosphere was almost palpable. "Whoa, Fluttershy." Rainbow whistled, looking between the other three with a bemused expression.

"I'm sorry, it just makes me angry," Fluttershy admitted, a deep frown on her face, "Earlier, he came to see me, and I asked him to do the simplest of things, and somehow he couldn't manage. In return, I spent time cooking and eating with him, and do you know what he chose to do?"

"What?" Pinkie asked, her hooves pressed against the table.

"He spent the entire time complaining about his long, hard day, and all of the things he absolutely had to do because it would have been too rude to say no. It was pathetic, honestly, and I could barely enjoy my food."

"At least you have food left to enjoy," Pinkie growled, looking back at the counter, devoid of treats or pastries, "we sold out really, really early today, because I'd given all of our food away to Spike."

"Fluttershy's right, this needs to stop," Rainbow nodded, "we have to do something, Twilight. This is getting ridiculous."

"I could get Rarity to talk to him?" Twilight offered.

"That's a terrible idea. He'd spend the entire time dreamily staring into her eyes or some shit, he wouldn't pay any attention."

"Then what do you think I should do?"

"Why don't you bring him here? Then we can all tell him exactly what we're thinking, and try not to blow up at him at the same time. Does that sound like a good idea?"

"Well..." Twilight hesitated, knowing there was a risk factor to this course of action but seeing little in the way of better alternatives. "Fine, I'll go and grab him. Hopefully, this is a good idea, and everything gets sorted out nice and easily. But remember," she glanced at each of the ponies present, "we can't upset him too much, so if you've got anything really pressing you wanna get off your chest, do it now. Fluttershy?"

"...I think I've said everything I wanted to say, I'm fine."

"Alright, good. Rainbow?"

"I just wanna get this over with."

"Okay, okay. Pinkie?"

Pinkie only shook her head, not saying a word.

"Alright, I'm gonna teleport back and grab him, I'll be back in about—"

"Spike's a massive, scaly wanker!" Pinkie ducked, pressing both hooves against her mouth as Rainbow burst out laughing and Fluttershy suppressed a strong giggle.

"...Glad you got that off your chest," Twilight wheezed, blinking back tears of mirth, "Okay, I'm gonna go get him."

"Alright!" Pinkie waved after her, "We'll get our speeches ready."

"Wait, speeches?" she echoed, worry painted across her face.

"Yeah! I've got a whole list of delectable treats that are gone thanks to him, and they demand to be heard!"

"Come to think of it," Fluttershy added, "I've got quite a few bones to pick with him. Maybe I should prepare something myself."

"Ehh, I'll probably ad-lib mine," Rainbow shrugged.

"Oh!" Pinkie gasped, "That means you've got time to go fetch Applejack and Rarity!"

"Good point!" Rainbow grinned, floating over to the window.

"I bet Mr. and Ms. Cake would like to say a couple of things too, I'll get them up."

"Should I grab anyone else?"

"Well, just grab anyone that you think Spike might have pissed off at some point!"

"Pinkie? I don't think we can fit that many ponies in Sugarcube Corner."

"Then let's ask Mayor Mare if we can use town hall! It's for a good cause."

Twilight was caught somewhere between a laugh and a sigh. This was going to be a long night.