Tempest Shadow opened the giftbox and stared at the dildo for some time. Then, like usual, she strapped it to her forehead and cried herself to sleep.

“Welcome to training day, ladies and gents. And trust me, that is not a compliment.”

With a dubious cloudwalking spell sparking at her hooves, Tempest paced down the lines of Wonderbolts standing at attention to her side. This one was… the Manehattan division, right? The squadrons, all similarly incompetent whether they be Wonderbolts or Royal Guards, had blurred together about three stops ago.

“My name is Tempest, but you can call me Ma’am, or Commander. You can also call me the pony who singlehoofedly took out three of your princesses in under sixty seconds, and conquered Equestria in a day.” She’d said this speech a dozen times in the last two weeks, and the words had become as rote as her even, menacing tone—which was good, because she was exhausted out of her skull and couldn’t have done it otherwise. “And do you know why that is?”

The Wonderbolts’ eyes were fixed upon her, wide with shock and/or fear, and none dared answer. Well, most of them: when she glanced back to her partner Rainbow Dash standing behind her, she saw that Rainbow was staring at the ground. Her cheeks seemed puffed up for some reason, and she was blushing.

With no answer forthcoming, Tempest supplied her own: “Because you’re weak. Equestria’s spent a long time as the only fish in its pond, but suddenly the pond’s a lot bigger, and you’re swimming with the sharks now. Renegade hippogriff factions. Fishmen. A whole nation of centaurs, just like Tirek.”

The ponies, sans Rainbow Dash, flinched at each new named threat. She could have made anything up, and they would have cowered. Maybe she would next time, for a little variety.

“But you’re in luck, little ponies. Your princesses have decided, correctly, that I’m the mare to teach you how to face threats like this. So here’s the deal, ladies and gents.”

She grabbed a kickball from beside herself and tossed it in the air a few times. “If you can dodge a ball, you can dodge a deadly energy sphere capable of encasing you in stone. So let’s play dodgeball. I win when I hit all of you with this, and you win when any one or more of you incapacitates me. Any questions before we start?”

After a few seconds, one of the Wonderbolts at the end of the row raised a quivering hoof. “Yes, Private?”

“Captain Swift, actually… but, ahem, speaking of privates.” The raised hoof moved to point at her forehead. “What are you wearing on your head?”

She glanced up and saw the dildo attached to her forehead. It was long, plum-colored like her coat, and unmistakably a penis. In her travel-induced exhaustion, she had forgotten to take it off overnight. Tempest swore profusely within her head.

Outside her head, she didn’t even blink. “It’s called a prosthetic, Captain. I’ve found ponies can be... unsettled by my condition. This is a way of putting them at ease.”

“Oh, yes, Ma’am.” Captain Swift was quiet.

Tempest stared at him for a few seconds more, then looked down the line of ponies another time. “If there are no pertinent questions—”

“So why does it look like a penis?”

Swift stuffed his hoof in his mouth, but it was too late. Rainbow Dash burst into stifled laughter behind her.

Tempest ignored Dash, and stared at the captain with dead eyes. “Did you know, I was going to take on all of you at once. That being said? Thank you, Captain Swift, for volunteering to go first. Alone.”

He took a step back, and stammered, “Are you serious?” And Tempest just kept staring. At length, he shook himself, adopting a fierce expression and a bent stance. “All right, you arrogant dickhead, it’s time to show you what a Wonderbolt can do. Ready!”

Tempest kicked the ball into his face. He didn’t dodge in time, and with a donk of failure, it smashed him right between the eyes, sending him sprawling on his back. “No fair,” he mumbled, “I wasn’t ready.”

The other Wonderbolts were even more silent than before, as if—no longer content with merely saying nothing—they were actually absorbing outside decibels at a prodigious rate into their gaping mouths. The only noise was Rainbow Dash’s guffaws, less stifled now that she had a non-penis reason for laughing.

“Well,” Tempest said, ambling over to regrab her kickball as the others stared. “One on one didn’t work. Why don’t we try one versus all?”

First mistake: They really shouldn’t have let her retrieve the ball.

The remaining Wonderbolts gaped at her for a few seconds, and then someone yelled a defiant yell, and they charged as one.

Not even a single hit. This was disappointing: most of the squadrons she’d faced had at least managed to strike her once.

Tempest walked among the groaning, fallen forms. She hadn’t hit any of them with anything but the ball, but when she struck, she struck for keeps. “Get over it, ladies and gents,” she called out over the moans. “Aren’t you supposed to be soldiers?”

“Dickhead,” whispered the captain at her hooves.

She stomped near his head, and he shut up. Sparks danced at the point where her hoof interfaced with the cloud surface, plunging through it slightly.

“Now, if you’ll all kindly get back to your hooves, you’ll get to watch a demonstration of how it’s actually done. Rainbow Dash?”

She turned around and stared at the only Wonderbolt still standing, and still cackling at the others’ predicament. As her name was called, though, Rainbow Dash shut up and got into a fighting stance, wings spread out. She stared Tempest in the eye, and the two of them shared a loving look. Then Rainbow glanced a little higher than her eyes and suppressed a snigger.

Tempest clenched her jaw, and hefted the ball. “When you’re ready, Rainbow Dash.”

Rainbow Dash did not waste breath calling out, “Ready!” What she did instead was blast forward, almost faster than the eye could follow, destroying the cloudbank beneath her with her takeoff. Tempest just barely dodged in time, and Rainbow whizzed past her.

She turned around, ready to kick the ball with unerring accuracy—but the rainbow trail following Dash had torn down into the cloudbank. Tempest watched warily, listened warily, and then jumped to one side just as the square of cloud beneath her poofed and vanished. In the empty space, for just a moment, she saw a blurred spandex-clad leg.

“Using terrain to her advantage,” Tempest called out, dancing backward as more clouds were destroyed beneath her retreating hooves. “Very good!” Activating her horn, hearing the sparks issuing from it—a sound which was somewhat muted by the dildo, still flopping around up there—she sent an electric charge through her hooves into the cloud.

Rainbow took the bait, and she heard the sound of the pegasus being fried beneath her. Tempest grabbed a few more clouds in her telekinesis and yanked them down, including the one she stood on; they zoomed downward erratically, creating a series of platforms below the main cloudbank. The Wonderbolts around her rushed forward to look through the hole.

Rainbow Dash was singed, but still ready. She bared her teeth in a fierce grin as Tempest hefted the ball, tossed it up in the air—and by the time Tempest kicked it, Rainbow Dash was already moving.

Which was a mistake: Tempest’s aim was true as ever, and she was able to compensate for Rainbow Dash’s movement. Rainbow gasped, and flapped her wings as hard as possible, creating an instant gale that blew the kickball back into Tempest’s hooves, and almost blew her off her platform. She dug her hooves in and barely stayed on.

Rainbow’s eyes lit up with the sparkle of opportunity, like a lightbulb going off over her head. Zipping around Tempest’s platform like a hummingbird, she blew gale after gale, each at different angles, hoping to blow her off. “She’s moving unpredictably and keeping her distance,” Tempest yelled at the ponies above them, jumping between platforms to avoid the gusts. “Learn something!”

Tempest grabbed the kickball in her magic—her nose crinkled as she smelled something burning, but she paid no mind—and it spun around her in an ever expanding circle at high speed, a circle that threatened to strike Rainbow Dash. The pegasus was forced to dive.

What a stupid mistake. Clearly Rainbow had been tired by their travel schedule as well—her loss. She was traveling in such a straight line. Tempest aimed, jumped, and kicked—

And noticed too late the cone of air surrounding Rainbow. A cone she soon burst through, breaking the sound barrier in glorious prismatic fashion, blasting bright rainbow rings all around her.

The ball, which had been kicked as fast as Rainbow, was left in the metaphorical dust. It fell uselessly to earth as Rainbow turned at an impossibly acute angle, surging back toward Tempest, and Tempest realized that she was tired too. Tired enough to throw away her win condition.

Well, she was used to fighting at a disadvantage.

With a mighty kick of her feet, she leapt back onto the upper cloudbank just before Rainbow blasted through the clouds she’d pulled down, scattering them to the winds. Gritting her teeth, not letting her exhilaration show, Tempest charged magic into her horn. Yet again she ignored the smell of something burning, and fired.

A firework burst from her horn; then the magic that had sparked it zoomed over to another point in space before blasting off another explosion, and repeating over and over in a wild, patternless series. Rainbow Dash, who had turned again to head toward Tempest, dodged several blasts valiantly, but eventually one caught her just before she caught Tempest.

The explosion sent Rainbow Dash flying—or, more accurately, sent her crashing. She rolled several times on the cloudbank before coming to a halt. Before she’d coughed out more than a few smoky breaths, Tempest had her hoof at Rainbow’s throat. Rainbow gritted her teeth in useless defiance: she’d lost. “By my estimates,” Tempest murmured, “that’s the longest session we’ve had, and still under a minute. Would you please try to keep it up a little longer?”

“Can’t help it, babe,” Rainbow grunted, “not when you’re so good at getting me excited.”

They stared at each other. Then Rainbow Dash’s lips curled up, turning her grimace into a wide grin that Tempest couldn’t help but match. For a moment, she leaned in—

She blinked, realized the Wonderbolts were all watching them, and turned around calmly. “So you see what Rainbow did,” she said. “She didn’t wait for permission to attack. She used the terrain, and the natural advantages of her species. She threw everything she had at me to win. If you want to protect your princesses, you need to learn to do the same thing. Do you understand, privates!”

“Ma’am, yes, Ma’am!” they chorused.

“Good.” Tempest walked to her bag, which she’d brought with her at the start, and telekinetically withdrew a sheaf of paper—then winced as her horn ached unusually for some reason. She trotted over to Captain Swift. “Lead your cadets in these drills,” she said, dropping the stack of paper on his back. “Rainbow Dash and I will be back in a few minutes to correct you.”

“Yes, Ma’am,” he said, saluting.

“Get to it.”

With that, Tempest trotted to a corner of the field, far enough away that the Wonderbolts wouldn’t be able to hear. Rainbow Dash followed behind her.

After a few seconds, the snickering started.

“Shut up,” Tempest said.

“You know,” Dash said, “when I got you that thing, I kinda assumed you knew where to put it.”

“Up yours.”

“Yeah, see, that’s basically where it’s supposed to go.”

Tempest groaned.

“Seriously, though, that’s really impressive. Those cadets are starstruck! I don’t think they’ve ever respected anypony as much.”

After a pregnant pause, she added: “With-a-dick-on-their-head.”

“I said shut up.” Tempest rounded on Rainbow, now that they were far enough from the Wonderbolts to avoid any lipreaders. Not that any of them likely knew how to lipread, but a little paranoia never killed anyone. “I don’t want to talk about it, okay? So shut up!”

Rainbow sighed. “You’re right. Sorry, I don’t want to be pushy. Are you okay?”

Tempest took a deep breath, then sighed as well. “No, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have blown up at you. I’m just tired, is all… those princesses have us working like dogs. I thought the Storm King was harsh.”

Rainbow shrugged. “Lots of ponies to train before the next invasion. I totally see where they’re coming from, even if it totally blows. Are we still gonna do tonight, at least?”

“Yup.”

“And you’re gonna be on top.”

“As usual.”

Dash groaned. “Figures.”

Rolling her eyes, Tempest undid the straps around her face, and pulled at the dildo on her horn. Something was wrong, though: it didn’t seem to be coming off. Rainbow looked up at it, then looked a little closer, and her face paled. “Oh, jeez.”

“What?”

“This either got really really funny, or not funny at all.”

“I need specifics!”

Rainbow hesitated for a few seconds, and then rubbed her hoof at the cloud beneath her. Her pegasus magic allowed part of the cloud to condense into liquid water, leaving a reflective puddle in the cloudbank.

Tempest looked down at it, and saw the dildo had been melted—fused, even—onto her horn. Little waxy dribbles ran down the sides, toward the base. Her eyes went wide.

Rainbow Dash snickered.

Tempest glared up.

“Sorry.”

Author's Note

Thanks to those on the FiMFic Discord for helping this to happen. You know who you are.

Oh, and also DocWario on DeviantArt for the cover art!