Why so Serious?

by PastyWaffles

Rating: mature
Tags: Spike, Tragedy, Self Insert, Profanity, Adventure, Violence, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Batman, Death, Human, Main 6, Princess Luna, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe
Length: 4195

Back then I cared about others pain, but nowadays I just don't. I barely have the capacity to care anymore, not after what happened. Now I will put on a show that will blow them all away!

When I came here, everything was just dandy. The princesses were some of my best friends, if not my only friends and I cherish true friendship, not just alliances. We would share our interests and insecurities with each other. They were scared of being alone and I was scared of losing my friends. We were almost inseparable. But it has been so long since then.

So very, very long.

Back then I cared about others pain, but nowadays I just don't. I barely have the capacity to care anymore, not after what happened. I can now see through their white lies that made them gain my trust. Now all I can do...

...is smile.

Time for a show that will blow them away!

Published 2017-10-13 17:10:07 UTC
Last updated 2017-12-08 02:02:30 UTC

A Night in the Slums

Author's Note

Don't expect consistent uploads.

And for those out there complaining...

Enjoy the story.

A Night in the Slums

I strode through the dark and damp stone paved streets of the Canterlot underbelly. These streets are paved with crime and you're liable to get stabbed, mugged or raped here, maybe all three. The cold breeze of the wind and the light sprinkle of water that fell from the sky was hitting my face and caused my purple overcoat to flap around in the wind, revealing its velvet red insides, my fine blue and green suit and a small gold chain loop from my belt to my pocket, which housed my pocket watch. A group of five thugs caught sight of this and began trotting some distance behind me.

'It seems I've got some paparazzi.' I thought. If you went out dressed like this out here, you were either brave, stupid or insane.

Good thing I was all three.

I stopped walking, but they continued to walk towards me. I reached into an inside pocket of my coat and grasped a rubber grip. I could tell from their hoofsteps getting softer that they were trying to sneak up on me. They got quieter and quieter until there was no sound of hooves anymore.

'3'

'2'

'1'

I whipped the large combat knife from my overcoat and slashed out the throat of the pegasus that was using its wings to hover behind me. Blood sprayed over the paved stone street and on me, the crimson liquid shining bright in what little moonlight there was. She fell to the ground, gargling and thrashing for air. An earth pony charged me, only to get a shoe to his jaw sending him into a pair of trashcans, knocking them over and making quite a ruckus. The sickening crack that was made when my purple shoe connected made the other three thugs visibly flinch. A unicorn tried to power up its horn for a shot, but he didn't have the chance to fire. I covered the few meters that separated us at lighting speed, my blood soaked coat violently flying behind me. My knife sliced through the unicorn's horn like a hot knife through butter, sending it clattering to the ground. Before it hit the ground, I had already slashed out the other earth pony's eyes, blood and yellow goop flowing from his eye sockets. The unicorn fell to the ground in pain as the earth pony wailed in agony. To shut him up, I stuck my blade in his throat, twisted the blade and ripped it out, leaving a hole of torn flesh and blood. He fell and choked on his own fluids. I looked up to see the last pony running away, scared beyond recognition.

"Coward." I thought out loud.

I heard a rush of hooves, turned around and got winded by a pair of hooves smashing into my stomach. I staggered back and began laughing hysterically. It had been a while since someone was able to land a blow on me and for once the pain actually felt good. I looked up through my matted green hair at the earth pony who I had knocked through the air earlier. His face was one of pure horror, which was slightly skewed by his shattered jaw.

I laughed because I knew the he was going to leave this street in a body bag.

I laughed because he knew that too.

I laughed because they thought they would get the drop on me.

I laughed because no matter what...

...none of them would leave here the same, dead or alive.

I laughed because...

...

...

...

...because it all I could do now.

It was all too quick for even me to see. I slowly stopped laughing as my blade slid out of the earth pony's eye socket as his lifeless body fell to the cold wet stone road. I stood up straight and took a deep breath. I turned myself around, looking at the massacre that I had committed. Blood flowed freely through the cracks in the paved stones that made up this dark empty street. The body of the pegasus had long since stopped struggling and the other earth pony had also drowned in its own blood. However, the unicorn was still laying there in pain and holding his hooves to the stub of his horn. His eyes were shut tight and tears were streaming down his face.

"Now now there, that's nothing to cry about." I said to him as I lit a match and held it up to my face. He looked ever so slightly up at me and immediately had an expression of disgust and terror. What he looked at was my face, caked in white, red and black paint. My green hair was wet, messy and long. But my most striking feature were the large scars that ran from the corners of my mouth and went up to the side of my face, giving me a permanent grin.

"W-what are y-you?" The unicorn said in a shaky and weak voice.

"Oh, me? My old name has long since been lost, but my new name..."

"...is Joker" I said as I began laughing a high pitched cackle. I took my knife, placed in beside his mouth and prepared to carve a masterpiece. But before I started I said something.

"Whatever doesn't kill you, simply makes you stranger."

Many heard his screams, but none came to make them stop.

Tomorrow

Celestia had just gotten another report of a group of muggers being brutally murdered in the edges of the red light zone in Canterlot. It had been the third this month and it was scaring her, even if she chose not to show it. A string of murders was extremely rare, especially in Canterlot. There were always a survivor from each group murder and they were always grievously deformed by the murderer. They all had a smile cut into their faces by the killer and they were sent with a message carved into their chest.

'WHY SO SERIOUS?'

Rumours had begun to spread in Canterlot about the killings, some plausible, like about how he's a vigilante and only goes for thugs. Others were just outrageous, like how he was actually a demon who escaped from Tartarus's fifth circle of wrath and is now seeking all who stray from the purity of heart. She wouldn't lie, that would probably put Canterlot as a whole in the killer's sights. The public has dubbed the murderer 'The Clown Killer' for his way of leaving his mark.

The survivors always have the same description of the murderer. A tall, biped creature who wore fine purple clothing. But the newest victim had an extended description of the killer. Celestia, along with Luna, was going to see this victim.

The two sisters walked over the cold stone floors of the dungeon towards the interrogation room. Two guards stood watch outside the dark wooden doors of the room that held the victim. The stood aside when the princesses approached and then Celestia and Luna entered the room, gazing upon a unicorn chained to the table with a look of horror.

His horn was cut off, revealing an empty hole where that mana pool should be. His face was completely brutalized though, far more than the others. He had a smile carved into his face like the rest had, but the area around his eyes along with his eyelids had been cut off, leaving a place for dried blood to fall down his face like crimson tears. His eyes were dried up and bloodshot, most likely making it hard to see . But instead of a message on his chest, he had a playing card sewn into his skin. It was a joker, showing a picture of a jester, who had blood over his mouth, creating a sinister smile.

The unicorn visibly flinched when the door slammed shut.

"Hello? I-Is anybody there?" He said with a shaky voice. He was shivering.

"Yes, we are here to ask you about what you witnessed in the murder that you were subjected to." Said Celestia.

Comedic Business

I knelt in the bloody mud and wooden splinters of the dirt road as the sky rained hell upon me.

Behind me was a burning carriage, its pieces scattered everywhere from the explosion.

Before me layed five ponies, all of them dressed in golden armor, all of them laying in pools of running crimson, all of them silently screaming for eternity. Some of them I actually knew.

My clothes were burned and hung loosely from my body as the charred black flesh from all degrees of burns encompassed most of my main body, left arm and right leg.

In my left hand was a shiny white and chrome knife, the blood on it effortlessly falling off its mithril blade.

In my right hand was a card that one of the soldiers carried "as a good luck charm". It was a blood spattered joker card that now had a red smile from the bodily fluids that had hit it.

In the mud of the rain was a water smeared and unfinished piece of parchment that was addressed to the princesses.

And in the air, amongst the smoke, was the cries of laughter coming from a glasgow grin.

My laughter.

Its all fun and games until somebody falls down the rabbit hole.

My eyes bolted open as cold sweat ran down my face. I sat up, placed my legs over the side of my bed and rubbed the bridge of my eyes. I was used to the nightmares and they never bothered me much anymore. Every night is either pitch black or a nightmare.

I stood up and headed for the tall mirror that stood silently in the corner. I stood before its reflections and looked myself over. I have various scars all over my body ranging from simple cuts to the massive burn that covered most of my body like a creeping web of infection that won't kill. I examined my face, my long dyed green hair was greasy and matted to my head from sweat. The scars that formed my stunning smile were still quite visible and they remained vigilant in the face of anything. I smiled as I went over to my closet and opened it to reveal my blue button up shirt, my green dress vest, my purple overcoat and my folded purple pants.

I got dressed, ate something, cleaned up my hair into something "presentable", put on my special makeup, put on my fine purple shoes, grabbed a few "special items" and went out the doors into the night. It was the later days of fall and it was colder and windier up in Canterlot than somewhere lower, say, Manehatten. But despite the lowering temperatures, my coat served to keep me warm.

I stayed in a small safehouse at the edges of Canterlot, a place that the princesses just don't give two shits about. I get my supplies from various crooked individuals that you can find pretty much everywhere. The chilled winds were gentle tonight as I strode down the alleys and dark streets dimly lit with dying lanterns, with the occasional scream far in the distance.

I walked for a while until I approached a large ornate train station. I could see a seldom few ponies boarding the train, all of them droopy and tired. I hopped into the caboose of the train with nobody noticing me due to the lack of guards. I sat down on a cargo crate and after a while the train lurched forward lazily. It rattles and clanked down the tracks like the piece of shit it was.

After an hour, we arrived at a new station, this time in a quint little town called Ponyville. The name was stupid and unoriginal like every other name, but at least it wasn't a ripoff of a name from my Earth. I hopped off the train, going around the station in the shadows and avoiding the sights of the few other ponies that were at that station.

I walked through darkened alleyways until I reached the edge of the town and spotted a small warehouse, its door having no light in front of it. The door was made of steel and had a sliding piece of metal for people, or ponies, to look out. It was, like most doors, smaller than me.

I approached the door, bent down and knocked on it heavily. The viewer slid open with a screech and out of it looked a large set of eyes. I could hear him taking in breath to speak, but before he could he had a small and skinny metal rod between his eyes that came from a small compact crossbow that I held with one hand. He collapsed on the floor dead and I reached my hand through the viewer.

Ponies have rather large eyes, so they were stupid enough to make the viewer large enough to reach my whole arm through. All models of this door came standard with a deadbolt lock, so I felt around for it. I felt it and turned its handle, hearing a rather heavy click in the door. I took my arm out of the viewer, opened the door and headed on in.

"Easy." I said quietly to myself.

I slammed the door shut and continued further into the warehouse. I walked down a white walled hallway lit by bright lanterns and my shoes were silent on the concrete floor. I saw a corner at the end of the hallway with faint voices coming from around it.

"How did we lose so many ponies in Canterlot so quickly!?" Yelled a female voice that had an underlying tone that was sweet like candy.

'Time for my grand entrance' I thought as I pulled out a switchblade. I slowly rounded the corner with a chuckle.

Ten ponies, seven griffons, three dragons and a minotaur all sat at a long rectangular table. They were the remaining members of the 'Blackwing' gang that still visited this backwater shithole.

"Yes, how did you lose so many so quickly? I have no idea how..." I said before getting cut off my the pony sitting at the head of the table.

"Who are you and how did you get in here!?" Said the pony, who stood out far from the rest. She was the one I heard around the corner. She had an angry expression on her face that was off put by her adorable coloring. Every head in the room had turned towards me, few with scowls of anger, many with faces of fear.

'Strike one...'

"I have my ways. Now, as I was saying before you cut me off, I have no idea how you lost so many. Surely nobody is so skilled as to kill a bunch of untrained and unarmed thugs. Has it anybody a guess who could have done this?" I said with slight irritation. I looked around at everybody in the room, nobody making a guess.

"Really? Nobody taking a guess? Alright then." I remarked with disappointment at their lack of enthusiasm. "Uhhhhhh, you! Orange pony with the hat! I would like to hear your guess." I pointed to an orange mare who wore a cowboy hat and had the symbol of three apples on her flank. She just looked at me with a blank stare.

"Wow, tough crowd. Alright I'll just say it. I'm the reason your Canterlot "forces"..." I said while making air quotes with my hands. "...have been depleted so quickly. Seriously, they were idiots. Couldn't sneak up on a fucking deaf person."

"So, you're the freak who has been killing us? You don't seem like much." Said the minotaur. He sat nearest to me and looked at me with a steely glare.

'Strike two...'

"I'm not a freak." I said to him while it pressed my gloved finger against the point of the blade I had in my hands. The point just barely punctured the skin and a tiny drop of blood began to form.

"Freeeeeak!" Said the minotaur in a mocking voice.

'Strike three'

I quickly flipped my knife up in the air in a little twirl and it came down blade first down into my soft grip. I reeled my arm back and threw the knife with such force that it would have shattered a diamond. The knife flew through through the air with no resistance and it hit its target. The knife cut through the minotaur's fingers like a hot knife through butter. This hand was still on the table so after it cut off his appendages it lodged itself side ways into the table, splitting half a foot of it open. Blood dipped out of his hand and he cried in agony.

"You see? That's what happens if you mess with me." I said to the rest of the figures at the table as I pulled out a new knife. Every single one of them held an expression of surprise or fear. "Now, I have an idea how I can save your little operation, if your willing to let me tell you, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza."

Happy Memories

"No muzzle"
"Not like any kind of minotaur he had ever seen"
"Stood on two legs"
"Clown makeup"
"Smile"
"Laughing"

"Joker"

These words floated around inside Celestia's head, ricocheting of the inside of her head like they wanted to get out. But she needed these facts. The very facts that can narrow down who or what has been slaughtering so many of her ponies.

Her whole body was laid upon a large and soft pillow inside her study, a stack of books in front of her. The fireplace glowed with orange light as flames crackled and popped. The heat from the flames seeped through the iron bars they were stuck behind and pushed against the princess. The warmth was slightly comforting, but it served no purpose to soothe her mind.

Very few creatures could even remotely resemble the prisoner's description of the murderer, but she knew this description from somewhere, but she couldn't put her hoof on it. The sifting of memories in her head fluttered by like papers at a workplace. Ponies rushed around the filing cabinets searching for records that matched the details of the killer, only to come up short in their search. Every filing cabinet had been carefully picked through down to the last dust bunny. The office was a mess and there were papers everywhere. Somepony would need to clean this up, the poor soul.

There was no creature that matched. She would have to go deeper, into darker places. She opened the door to the warehouse. The warehouse that seemed to stretch endlessly into the dark. Many things lined the tall shelves, like older forgotten papers, several boxes containing sentimental items, old children's toys that have lost their use and even more papers.

Year after year was sifted through in merely a few seconds and papers continued to fly everywhere. Still, no sign of the killer. Further and further she went back, until she reached a very unstable area.

The dark ages. A time when everything seemed to fall apart at random and then be put back together with tape and chewing gum. It was best to tread carefully in this part, far too many bad memories to be opened. She gently sifted through the stacks of papers and boxes, avoiding any tenebrous memories. She picked them down to the floor and, after a few minutes of looked, exited the far end of the dark ages.

Now she was in an era of order, a time between the reign of discord and the beginning of the dark times. A time filled with personal errors and follies.

She looked through the memories and the many lessons she learned. Some good, some bad, and some ugly. She pushed through the piles of boxes with increasing effort. Finally, she reached the last box in this era, in the very back of her memories of this place, covered in an inch thick layer of dust. She tried to open it like the rest, but the flaps remained closed, as if her brain's memory functions had just gone kaput. This had never happened before, but nothing a little magic couldn't fix. With a quick 'remember' spell, the box opened.

She immediately wished she hadn't.

Her mind was flooded with memories of a time period that spanned a little over two centuries, memories focused on a single figure. A relatively tall ape-like creature with a flat face, pale skin, a small patch of fur on his head and a cheery smile.

An old friend his hers and her sister's. She remembered her first meeting him, after accidentally taking him from his home and plopping him into this one. He was troubled creature, but a nice one.

I can still remember her taking me from my home and throwing me into her kingdom. I can't even remember my family, or if I even had one. I think I did, but that may just be a habit of me saying I did. I can still remember her lying eyes looking at me with such intrigue.

Soon after, we became friends. He was very closed off at first, but soon opened up.

I kept to myself for my own reasons, not divulging too much information about me or my world. But she weathered down my outer layer and she began soaking up as much information as she could. I was so gullible.

It was a while before we all found something strange. The fact that he couldn't age. It was...

Shocking
Strange
Abysmal

No, it wasn't those things.

You know there could be no other immortals.

I was stuck here while not being able to die of old age. I thought it was cool and so did Luna. But Celestia? Not so much.

More years passed and eventually the tensions between Equestria and Gryphonia grew to tight and they declared war. So, the human went to... no... was redirected to fight with the soldiers.

Apparently, I was never told that Equestria and that place where griffons come from were at each other's throats. She asked if I would help. I said I would and I applied to be in the medical centers, but no. I was to be sent out onto the battlefield, dressed in full armor.

I don't know why I did it. I just saw the application to serve in the medical field of things and altered it, as if I wasn't in control of my own body.

I can still see the soldiers coming back from the first battle, drenched in blood.

I can still feel my legs trudging back with the rest of the troops, all of them going out of their way to avoid me, save for a few. The warmth of the blood that covered me had run cold.

I can't remember how many I slaughtered.

Or how much I laughed.

You see, I never was truly right in the head. Most of the time I was a normal, alright person. But I did get laughing fits every now and again, completely out of my control. During these fits, I had a hard time remembering or controlling what happens. It usually only last a few seconds, but this was different. This lasted the whole half hour of the battle.

I woke up covered in blood, blade in hand and surrounded by dead griffons and ponies alike.

I was scared.

He was dangerous.

No, he wasn't.

An immortal who could slaughter hundreds and not remember a thing, not learning.

But he could have been fixed.

You heard what Discord said. He may be cryptic, but he doesn't lie.

Be quiet already, heathen.

You can't be mad at me. YOU made the decision of bringing him here. YOU altered his papers and turned him into a killer. You decided to probe into his head and mess with his mind, knowing it would damage him beyond repair. YOU decided to kill him. But he didn't die. We both know that.

...

Now he's back, looking to get revenge after all you did to him. At this point, he has license to kill you on the spot. You ripped him from his home, his family, his whole life, and dropped him haphazardly into yours. Then, you befriended him, only to rip his trust apart, burning his mind and body in the process.

I know, but...

Because you failed in ending his suffering, he hid from you, waiting to strike. He has chosen now and there's nothing you can do to stop him.

Kyle wouldn't...

Kyle? No, not him. But this isn't Kyle we are talking about. This is what you turned him into.

This is Joker.

Now, after everything, I'm back and ready with more tricks than ever before.

Time for a show.