What Have I Done

by Aesculapius

Rating: teen
Tags: Fluttershy, Adventure, Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Applejack, Spike
Length: 6854

Bernard Petrolli is transported to Equestria through a Physics experiment.

The embattled old man Bernard Petrolli is transported to Equestria through a Physics experiment and attempts to adjust to life in Equestria right before a crisis arises.

Published 2012-07-20 13:04:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-07-20 13:04:02 UTC

I

What Have I Done
Chapter 1

Bernard sighed, and his breath condensed in the freezing air as his car failed to start for the third time. He knew he shouldn't be surprised. His car was a piece of shit. It had always been a piece of shit, ever since he had inherited it from his father-in-law who had a heart attack and died while sleeping with some prostitute. Bernard opened his door and stepped out of the car. As he walked to the front of the car, he kicked at a large tabby cat loudly licking its privates.
"Get out of here, you fat-ass," he growled.
It hissed, stood up, and strutted away toward his bitch of an owner Ms. Frugelburd's house.
"And tell her Bernard said she's a bitch!" he yelled at the retreating tail of the cat.
Opening the hood of the car, he stared inside, raking back his salt and pepper hair.
"Well, there's your problem," he muttered to himself.
He punched the frozen, imploded carburetor and put his lighter under it. Five minutes later, it had expanded enough for the car to start. He slammed the hood shut and tromped back into his car, fingers freezing. Turning the ignition, the engine finally pulled over and he put it carefully into reverse and backed slowly out of the parking lot. The ridiculous notion of getting a damned New Yorker back in the 70s to drive in Northern Minnesota still escaped him to this day, but then again, his father-in-law was a goddamn dumbass. Sliding slowly to the stoplight, Bernard looked at the directions to this Physics laboratory that he would be going to today. 'New Horizons Physics Innovation Facilities' He stared at the name for a moment.
"Who instructed the gay man to come up with the name?" he thought. "What a fucking stupid name."
Stupid or not, he was getting paid nearly 12,000 dollars to do this experiment or whatever it was, and he needed the money badly. The landlord of his apartment building was a fucking Nazi and Bernard owed 5,468 dollars to him. Driving up to a wooded area, he looked at the directions again. They clearly said to turn left into it. He looked uneasily at the dark forest again before turning onto it. He had never liked forests, and this was no exception. Driving further into the forest, it seemed as though the trees were getting closer and closer to the side of the road, and it felt as though it was rapidly darkening. Bernard gripped the steering wheel tightly and sped up until he saw a red light up ahead, permeating the darkness. Driving closer, he saw an old concrete wall that wouldn't have looked out of place at a prison. He noticed an intercom on a ledge and rolled down his window. Immediately, he heard something move behind him and snapped his eyes into the darkness. Scanning, he saw nothing but two distant spots of light that looked suspiciously like- he snapped his eyes back to the intercom, sweating slightly. Pulling the sagging flesh under his eyes, he tentatively tapped the button of the intercom and it gave resistance. He punched it hard and static blared from its ancient speaker.

"Uh, y-yeah. This is Bernard Petrolli; I'm here about the job offer?"

The wall in front of him snapped loudly and Bernard quickly looked at it. It pulled back 6 inches and slammed itself onto the other side of the wall. Rolling up his window, Bernard looked at the frankly ominous facility and slowly drove down its driveway. The wall slammed back together behind him and he felt somewhat relieved that it closed the forest out. Trundling down the drive, he stared again at the facility. It gave every impression of a once imposing facility that had gone to waste. Peeling strips of red paint and stained concrete were highlights of its geometric design. Parking next to a brown Pontiac Bonneville, he stepped out and walked to the small door. Walking in, he saw a sad waiting room of three faded yellow armchairs and an abandoned receptionist's desk. On the desk, he saw a hastily scribbled one word note on the counter; "Elevator".

He frowned, and looked around at the peeling wallpaper and 18 year old magazines. A faded poster on the wall of a generic smiling Aryan bitch told him that science was the future at New Horizons Physics Innovation Facilities.

"Still a fucking stupid name," he thought, and as he did so, his eyes rested on a large circle in the far corner in the back of the room.

Walking over there, he noticed a large red button and pressed it. The floor beneath him shook as he immediately regretted it.

* * *

Bernard descended into the depths of the building as the elevator lurched slightly. It thudded to a halt in a pitch black room.

"Hello?" he asked the darkness.

The darkness replied in a disturbingly cheery female voice. "Please step into the Identity Confirmation and Sanitization Chamber," the voice said as an airlock door squealed open to reveal a tile room where the only light emanated from a bunker style window on his left. In it, a human silhouette was visible.
"Mind telling me what this is all about?" Bernard asked the silhouette, annoyed.
A young man replied; "Um, yes, 'Welcome to New Horizons Physics Innovation Facilities, you, who are about to usher in a new era of Scientific Enlightenm-'"
"Cut the crap, kid." Bernard said brusquely.
"Oh, good." The young man replied, relieved. Bernard had to be at least 30 years older than him. "You can just come in." He pulled a lever on the wall next to him, and the airlock hissed slightly before opening in front of Bernard. Stepping into the hallway, the young man from the window strode briskly over to where Bernard was standing.
"This way." He gestured, and extended his hand to Bernard. Bernard shook it.
"Bradley Divis. You can just call me 'The Intern', though, because everyone else here does." Bernard thought a short while before he replied. "I'll call you Bradley- I like that name."
Divis looked slightly askance at Bernard before he continued. "Down this way, sir."
They turned down another, smaller hallway in silence, until they reached a small steel door. Divis pushed the handle and it swung open, revealing a brightly lit massive cavern crowded with scientific equipment, wires, and stalagmites. In the center of the cavern stood two other men and a tall woman inspecting a circular cage that appeared to be the nucleus of the equipment. An older man, older even than Bernard looked over at them and said in a deep gravelly voice:
"Finally you get here, Mr. Petrolli. You're 15 minutes late." He posited in air of speaking to a bit of distasteful algae.
Bernard scowled deeply, as he had worked with too many men like this scientist before. They had all been arrogant assholes, and he had cultivated both a dislike and distrust of men like him.
The rather sharp faced woman glanced at him and spoke quickly.
"Over here, please."
She brought him to a cheap card table and sat him down in a metal folding chair. The final man dressed in a suit- as opposed to the other's lab coats- slammed a gigantic stack of legal documents on the table, and it shook slightly. The man retrieved a pen from his breast pocket, dropped it atop the papers, and resumed to his previous position near the cage. Bernard politely inquired;
"What the hell's this?"
The woman sighed and said impatiently; "Legal documents. Do you consent to receiving 12,000 dollars?"
Bernard replied; "Well, sure, bu-" before the woman cut in again.
"Then sign here" as she flipped all the way to the back. The entirety of the papers seemed to be covered in size 4 Times New Roman font and he hadn't brought along his glasses. He frowned and signed off on the papers.
They moved quickly. Bradley picked the table up while the man in the suit scooped up the documents and hurried to the exit. The woman had him stand and ushered him to the cage. She lifted a few metal bars high enough so that he could duck in, and when he was in, the bars fell back into place.
"Well, hold on here," Bernard said nervously. "Just how does this thing work?"
"Look down," the older man responded bluntly.
Bernard looked down and saw a glowing piece of some sort of material. Not personally being a man of science, himself, he had trouble understanding its usefulness.
"So?" Bernard asked.
The older man said nothing, but Divis stepped in for him.
"Ah, it sends an electric current through your body until you're turned into energy. Basically."
Bernard thought for a second. "I just gave you all full legal consent for all this, didn't I?"
"Yes." The employees replied.
"Goddamnit," he groaned.
The older man straightened up and announced: "It's ready."
Divis scurried over to a console with 3 intimidating levers on it, and pulled the first. The bright lights suddenly all went dark, and a faint electrical hum was heard. The second lever was pulled, and a rumbling beneath them was heard as the electrical hum increased in sound to a buzz. Finally, Divis pulled the final lever, and Bernard's cage and the glowing material lifted high into the air while Bernard saw a hatch opening above his head. In it, blackness darker than anything he had ever seen loomed above him.

"What the absolute fuck is that?!" Bernard yelled over the high pitched electrical whirr filling the entire chamber.
Divis yelled back in reply; "It's an event horizon, we're going to send you through it, in electron form."
Bernard responded calmly and reasonably by yelling at the top of his lungs. The old man yelled to the woman to hit it, and a curious thing happened. The room went silent as Bernard stared in horror at his feet. His shoes were disintegrating into yellow, glowing dust as he watched. Whatever it was that was causing it reached his feet, and his body did not know how to react to the extreme amounts of pain he was feeling. As they disintegrated, they tingled a bit and then went dead as their very molecules were forcibly changed into a new physical form. He stared in horror as what had been his feet began drifting slowly upwards toward the event horizon. The demolecularization sped up, and Bernard only watched aghast as his body turned into pure energy. His brain registered absolute fear, and then nothing.

The empty cage lowered and the three scientists gathered around it.
"Give me a brief explanation of why we just performed complete insanity, Ms. Civall." The old man sighed as the event horizon above them disappeared into thin air.
Ms. Civall replied calmly, "We're 113,124,498 dollars in debt, and the only organization with the money we need is the United States of America government."
"And we sent an innocent man through a black hole because that's exactly what they wanted us to do, and we desperately need the money."
"Yes. Would you like me to call the Pentagon?"
"Fine- Immediately, thank you."

II

The earth sizzled as a wormhole formed inside it and incinerated roughly 300 pounds of dirt. Ejecting a slew of electrically charged particles, it dissolved. For a few moments, the particles floated around aimlessly, but as they began to lose their charge, they began drawing near to each other, slowly binding together. Bone, muscle, flesh, and then clothes bound together silently, as Bernard's body was made whole once again. His heart and organs were stopped, but a final electrical discharge began them again.

Face forming a silent scream, it closed slowly, like an old door. He snapped his eyes open. A huge amount of adrenaline had flooded his system before the atomitization began, and he had difficulty keeping his heart rate down. Taking deep breaths and swearing profusely seemed to work, and he employed that method for some time.
Finally, he found his bearings and began to assess his current location. He was in a small, dimly lit earthen cavern, and one that was sparse in oxygen. He looked around for the source of light, and realized that it was coming through cracks in boards above his head.

"What the hell?" he wondered aloud. Perhaps the oxygen deprivation was making him calmer.

Bernard pounded on the board directly atop of him once, and heard a quiet, high voice ask; "W-who's there?" He pounded once more, and heard a body fall to the floorboards feet first. Pounding again, he heard what seemed to be feet thudding nearer to his location, when all of a sudden, he heard a feminine voice close to his head. "I-Is that you, Mr. Gopher, stuck under there, again?" Intensely confused, Bernard muttered to himself; "What the hell is a Mr. Gopher?" He waited for the voice to continue. "Oh, no. It is, isn't it?" Her voice grew in volume. "Don't worry, you, I'll get my friend Applejack, she'll be able to get you out of there in no time. You stay put." She rushed away, and Bernard knew he had little time to act. "Wait- lady." He called out. The hoof beats faltered. She asked in a terrified whisper; "Y-yes?" She trailed off to a barely audible whisper.

He sighed. In the calmest, most restrained manner he could manage, he said; "I... appreciate you trying to go get one of your friends, but since I am going to choke to death before you can come back, I am going to just punch through your floor, instead. Is that okay?"

She replied softly; "N-No.." He shook his head and said "Well, too bad." Gritting his teeth, he gathered what strength he had left, pulled back his arm, and punched the floorboard directly on top of him three feet into the air. Grimacing, he exclaimed quietly "Damn it," as he shook his bruised fist gingerly.

Hearing a terrified "Eep." from the woman whose house he was breaking into, he decided to continue. He punched the second floorboard out of the floor and pulled himself slowly out.
When he had gotten his breath back, he looked across the room while saying; "Well, thanks for letting me, uh, punch a hole through your flo..." His voice trailed off. Standing across the room from him, was a yellow horse about a quarter of the real size of a horse, with a pink mane, pink tail, and two of the most enormous eyes you could imagine, while he noticed a look of complete, abject horror on her face.
He said slowly, in a manner of someone reaching for a gun to shoot a rattlesnake; "What the .. fuck are y-"
"EIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" it replied, and it sprinted faster than it seemed was possible away from the house. "-ou?" He finished.

* * *
He realized, in a confused daze, that if she spoke like a human, then she would likely do the obvious thing that a human would do if an alien broke through her floor and gather as many people as she could to find him. He was right. Not 5 minutes later, he heard thundering hoof steps drawing nearer and nearer to his location. Thinking instinctively, he sprinted for the nearest window, wrenched it open, and prepared to squeeze through and escape. Then, he stopped. Heart racing and arthritis acting up, he realized that he was in no way able to out run a horse.
"I'm too old and fat for this shit." He sighed.
Sitting down on one of the tiny chairs in the house, near the hole he had created, he faced the door and waited for horses to burst in.

Slamming back the door, a cyan blur called out; "Get him, girls!" as 4 other ponies burst in. Judging by their faces, they were ready for a fight, too.

He wasn't. Never one to back down from a challenge, though, he stood and asked only a simple question:
"Why?"

The horse's faces changed to those of bewilderment. With the silence, he was able to look at all the horses individually. All of them absurdly colored; a cyan blue... Pegasus, with a mane and tail colored like a rainbow floated directly above his head. Then was a purple...Unicorn...? He looked at the other 3 and saw two slightly normal ponies, orange and pink, and another unicorn, white.
"What the hay are you?" they inquired.

Mouth dry, he replied; "I'm Bernard... Bernard Petrolli."

"No." The purple unicorn spoke. "Not who are you, what are you?"

"I'm human." he said lamely.

She looked even more confused at this; "What's a human?"

"This has to be a hallucination." He thought. No sane mind could possibly come up with this. Still, he had no idea how to continue, so he blindly answered her question. "It-it's what I am."

The cyan pegasus laughed above his head: "He got you there, Twi."

At this, the purple unicorn lost her attention a little, and all of a sudden, he felt less nervous.

"He has not, I-I knew he was a Huh-man..."
The orange pony, the one with a blonde mane, asked the others in a southern accent; "Say, girls, why don't we bring in Fluttershy- see if this is the thing she was so scared by. Ah thought she was talking about a monster."
The purple one said; "Good idea, Applejack. Fluttershy!"
There was silence. She called again.

"Fluttershy!"

When no noise was heard after ten seconds, the purple one said; "Oh, for goodness' sake." in an exasperated voice and closed her eyes. Immediately, her horn began glowing and he jumped back in fear. The group all looked surprised as he took cover behind the chair.
The cyan Pegasus burst into laughter. "He's scared of your horn, Twilight!"
While the Pegasus kept laughing, the purple Unicorn looked concerned, and spoke to Bernard.
"Um, are you alright?"
Bernard looked at her strangely before he responded.
"I'm sorry, but the way I see it, things don't glow unless they're going to explode."
She smiled and replied: "Well, I can assure you that that isn't going to happen. Okay?"
He frowned. Alright, enough with the mollycoddling. Standing, he nodded curtly. As he did so, she closed her eyes again, and her horn began to glow again. Through the open doorway, came the yellow pony that he saw earlier, enveloped in a glow much like the unicorn's horn. He realized she was a pegasus also, as he looked at her wings. Once she was released from the magic, it took an instant for her to stare again at Bernard, yelp, and hide behind the orange pony and the white unicorn. The purple unicorn spoke.

"Well, now that the gang's all here. Where were we?"

He frowned once again.

"We were in the process of finding out what this...this lunacy is?"

She looked around confused.

"This isn't lunacy. This is Equestria." The others gave noises of consent.
He was getting more annoyed as this conversation continued, but he decided to keep calm and play what he considered the trump card.
"Look- lady. Since I have no flipping idea what is happening here, how about you just take me to your...governing body."
The purple unicorn looked relieved. It seemed to be a winning idea.
"Alright. We'll take you to Canterlot. Fluttershy, are you alright?"
The orange pony spoke again. "Now wait a moment, here, sugarcube. He should at least apologize after he broke through her floor."
His anger flared.
"Why, no, I won't apologize, because I would have died if I hadn't."

She looked insulted. "Why, no? Ah don't think-"

The yellow pegasus interrupted.
"Um... I don't really care, and he was choking." She again trailed off to silence.

The orange pony looked miffed, but said no more. The purple unicorn spoke:
"So it's settled. Uh, Barn-ard? Could you come with me?"
He cleared his throat and replied "Yes." Although slightly daunted about traveling through a land of sentient ponies, he wouldn't have personally admitted it to anyone.
They set off from Fluttershy's house in silence, him in the meantime noting that it was more of a tree than a house, until the unicorn started a new conversation.

"So, your name is... Barn-ard?"

He was a little irritated just hearing his name mangled like that, so he responded.

"Bernard. Yes."
She smiled politely, which he thought was strange, and replied:
"It's very nice to meet you, Bernard. I'm Twilight Sparkle."
He frowned at her. "Why are you emphasizing our names?"
She looked confused. "Well, you did it and I-"
"No." He interrupted. "It's Bernard. Just Bernard."
"Oh." She replied with a look of comprehension on her face. "Well, then, nice to meet you, Just Bernard."

He stopped. "Look, are you stupid or something? My name is Bernard! It has been for 62 damned years! You understand?"

She looked hurt. "I'm sorry, Bernard. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."

He looked over her and sighed. "It-it's... not your fault," he muttered, irritated that he just said that.

She cheered up quickly. "Oh, good. Now, the balloon's right up ahead."

"Balloon?" he asked in his head. Outwardly he grunted "Fine," and continued walking.
She continued to lead him down the road into a relatively large town, where she went into a alleyway. He followed, wondering where she might be headed, and suddenly she made a left turn right to a large hot air balloon where a large purple, green, and tan lizard stood on its hind legs nearby.
He stopped, unsure of what to be wary of, the lizard or the balloon. He look over at the uni- Twilight Sparkle- as she trotted over to where the lizard was standing. She called;

"Hi, Spike!"

Bernard chuckled and began walking closer to where they were standing. "Some damn queer idea of a pet animal, but, what the hell?" He thought. The lizard looked directly at him as he approached, and he opened his mouth to ask Twilight Sparkle if she would be bring her pet, but then the lizard opened its mouth and asked;

"What is it?"

He stopped, dumbfounded. "Did that lizard just say something?" he thought.
Twilight Sparkle spoke to the lizard again in a tone of scolding it, saying;

"Spike, he is a "Human" and his name is Bernard."

The lizard looked embarrassed, as much as it was possible for a lizard to look embarrassed, and quickly extended a pudgy clawed hand.
"Uh... Sorry. I'm Spike; Twilight Sparkle's assistant."
Bernard shook Spike's hand weakly.

"Uh, and you are... a-a sentient lizard?" He muttered, partially to himself.

Spike looked highly insulted.

"I am not a lizard. I'm a dragon."

"O-of course." Bernard said shakily, trying to maintain his grip on reality. Inwardly, his reeling mind could only compose the calm, well-mannered thought of "What the fucking fuck?" and he realized that that would not be the appropriate statement for the situation.

The...dragon- Spike, seemed to forget insults quickly, and turned to Twilight Sparkle.

"The balloon is all ready to go, Twilight." he saluted.

She giggled, and replied; "Thank you, Captain Spike." as they climbed into the basket. They then turned to Bernard.
"Coming, Bernard?" Spike asked shortly.

Bernard looked imperiously at the balloon, then back at Twilight Sparkle.
"Uh... I'm 6'1'' and weigh 220 pounds... is it even safe?"

She giggled again and replied: "Well, of course. It's powered by magic."

"Oh, well, as long as it's a fictional power source of fairy tales powering it. Hell, I'll just jump right on with that guarantee," he thought. But again, he responded civilly:

"I-I'd rather not," he grunted.

She stared at him with absolutely no emotion. Then she asked sweetly:
"Well, it's what you wanted to do, right? Go see our leader?"

After a pause, he responded lamely; "Yes."

She continued: "Oh, that's just fine then, well how about you just take the train? It'll only take you, oh, I don't know, two weeks. But, hey, it's your choice." She smiled kindly at him.

He frowned sourly.

"Fine." He said. "Fine." He clambered into the basket. She smiled again, and immediately, the balloon began rising. "I... should have mentioned my fear of heights." he thought. To keep himself distracted, and only in his moment of desperation, he asked her something he had noticed on the ponies on the way here, and on her as well; their tattoos.
"W...why do you all have those tattoos on your- asses?" He said, pointing.

She looked confused at first, but a look of comprehension dawned on her face.
"Oh, you mean our Cutie Marks? On our flanks?"

He stared at her blankly.

"S-sure."

"Well, they're what show each other what our special talents are. Don't you have one?"

"...No." He said slowly.

"Oh." She replied. "Well, um, since my special talent is magic, my cutie mark is three magic crystals. And since Applejack is a apple orchard owner, her cutie mark is apples."

"Applejack?"

"The orange mare?"

He scowled. "Ah."

She looked sad at his reaction.

"Oh, no, she's a nice person, she-she just doesn't really like outsiders, and she especially doesn't like strangers."

He stared at her yet again. "Well, I'd probably qualify as both."

She pursed her lips and looked sad again.
"I know, it-it's not your fault. She just- just-"

"Just wha-"

He was silenced as the balloon burst through the cloud cover and a huge castle, seemingly hanging off the side of the massive mountain, loomed into view.

She smiled at his agape mouth, which he quickly closed, and announced: "Welcome to Canterlot, home of the Princesses Celestia and Luna, rulers over all of Equestria."

Bernard was incredibly depressed to note that the fact that the government was a dictatorial monarchy was the least surprising thing he had heard all day.

* * *

III

What Have I Done
Chapter 3

The Balloon came to a rest gently on a green near a gigantic stone hall that was strongly reminiscent of a Cathedral. Twilight Sparkle opened the basket’s door and stepped out. He was reasonably pleased that they had entered through what he assumed were the palace gardens:

“I’ll be nobody’s damned circus attraction, thanks.” He muttered to himself under his breath.

The lizard- Spike- turned his head slightly as if he heard Bernard, but said nothing. Twilight Sparkle looked back at Bernard and asked: “Well, are you coming?”

He started. “Right.” He muttered, and stepped out. It was a short walk to the massive wooden door of an entrance, and they covered it in silence. They passed the guards, who seemed relatively familiar with Twilight Sparkle, and opened the door so that they could pass into the hall. Bernard looked around at the highly impressive murals and massive, beautifully designed vault and despite himself felt slightly impressed. The huge chamber echoed well, and his footsteps and her hoof steps seemed very loud to him as they drew closer to the Princess.

She was a tall, graceful looking white mare, with a pastel colored mane that flowed continually as if there were a gentle breeze passing through, even though the chamber was airtight. At 30 feet away from the Princess and her guards, Twilight Sparkle stopped suddenly and bowed deeply. The Princess smiled and looked at Bernard in curiosity. Although he hadn’t been intending to bow to any damned horse, she emanated such a strong sentiment of regality that he stooped his head slightly before looking at her again. She turned to Twilight Sparkle and asked:

“Tell me Twilight, who, and what, have you brought before me?”

Twilight Sparkle responded respectfully; “Princess, this is Bernard, a ‘Human’, who had asked to see you.”

“Very well, then.” She replied. “Well, Bernard, why have you asked to be brought before me?”

He realized, after all, that he didn’t really know. He had simply assumed that she would know why he was there.

“I-I, uh, don’t really know,” he admitted uncomfortably.

She looked slightly confused. “Then, we’ll start with finding out what you are and how you got here.”

He waited a moment before responding.
“My name is Bernard Petrolli, and I’m a human, from the planet Earth-“

She interrupted him. “What is this- Earth?”

He stared at her, at a loss for words. “It-it’s where I live,” he said slowly.

She didn’t look particularly encouraged by that, but proceeded on.
“Please, continue. Could you tell us how you got here from...”

“Earth.” Twilight Sparkle provided.

He thought back to what felt like days ago, even though it was only hours.
“I…I came here through a-a science experiment…I went through a black hole.”

They looked at him quizzically.
“Would you please elaborate on that?” the Princess asked.

He recalled what Bradley had said as he was sucked into the black hole.
“Oh…hell…. there was an electrical current.” He said slowly. “It was sent through my body in…in a high enough frequency so that the individual atoms of my body…turned into energy, and then were pulled in- into the event…” He trailed off, not remembering what it was that he had been pulled into.

“Black hole?” the Princess guessed.

“No…” He replied in consternation.

“Event horizon,” Twilight Sparkle said.

He and the Princess looked over at her in surprise.

“Yes,” He confirmed.

“How did you know what he was talking about, Twilight?” the Princess asked.

She blushed. “I read it in one of the scrolls in the Accipitrem wing.

Princess Celestia nodded, as if that made sense. “Yes, that would explain it. But I thought his theories were all rejected.”

Twilight Sparkle looked kind of embarrassed by this.

“Well… I had read mostly everything else that was interesting.”

Princess Celestia laughed at this.

“Of course you had, Twilight.” Abruptly, she turned her attention back to him. He frowned, because he had been relatively happy with being ignored.

“Now, the question is: What do we do with you? I assume you cannot go back.”

“Only if you have an electrical power plant and a wormhole... err… creator” He sighed.

“I’m afraid not.” She replied. “So, then, again the question: You have no home, know no one here, and no means of providing for yourself, no?”

He decided to be bluntly obvious: “Lady, I have no house, I sure as hell wouldn’t know any sentient Ponies, because as of yesterday I would have been convinced that they don’t exist, I don’t belong here, have no job, and, finally, I’m covered in dirt.”

With great surprise, he saw Princess Celestia looked sympathetic, not angry at him. Frankly, he was shocked.
“I can provide almost anything you need here, at Canterlot, but perhaps, you may wish to reside somewhere else, as the Ponies here can be, well…stuffy.”

“I wouldn’t care one way or another.” After a pause, he admitted: “As long as they stayed the hell away from me.”
She smiled, which surprised him again. “I assure you, they would not. Perhaps you would be better suited at a place that is slightly more accepting to outsiders than the aristocracy of Canterlot.” She looked at Twilight Sparkle.

Twilight Sparkle smiled- a little flustered, for some reason.

“I would be honored to take him in, your highness.”
Princess Celestia frowned briefly: “I can’t help but feel unoriginal having you do that, Twilight, but thank you.”
He decided to speak up.

“Not that I don’t appreciate the hospitality… but I don’t care to spend the rest of my life in someone else’s house.”
“An understandable sentiment.” She replied. “I will provide you the materials to make your own home, where you may please.”

Slightly confused, he asked; “Aren’t there… ponies that make houses for other…ponies, here?”

“Only if the buildings are official buildings.” She replied.

“Alright.” He replied. He was more surprised than unprepared, given that his father had been a carpenter.

“Very well, it is decided.” She spoke, looking at Twilight Sparkle. “You will be host to Bernard as long as he needs, Twilight?”

Twilight Sparkle smiled. “Yes, Princess.”

She smiled back at Twilight. “Thank you, Twilight.”

Twilight turned to leave. “Come on, Bernard.”

He glanced back at her. “…Right,” he muttered distractedly.

As they exited the hall and the massive wooden doors closed behind them, he decided to ask Twilight Sparkle what he had noticed. “Twilight Sparkle?”

“Please, call me Twilight,” she smiled. “What?”

He thought about it a moment more. “…Never mind, Twilight S- Twilight.”

As they arrived back at the balloon, Spike called out to Twilight; “So, Twilight, where is he going?”
Bernard personally thought that the way Spike had said that was rude, but he reconsidered almost immediately after he realized who, in fact, he; Bernard, was- incidentally, he was a giant asshole- so he said nothing.

“Bernard is going to be staying with us until he makes his own house,” she responded cheerfully.

Spike looked slightly suspiciously at Bernard as he replied: “But, Twilight, h…” Spike trailed off.

“What’s the problem, Spike?” Twilight looked at Spike confused.

“…Nothing,” Spike finished.

Bernard understood immediately. He had already identified himself as an outsider and a stranger, but more importantly, he had identified himself to be an asshole. And while he wasn’t exactly proud of that fact, he wasn’t about to deny it.
“I understand him, Twilight.” He spoke up as they entered the basket of the balloon. “Frankly, I’m an asshole. And you-
you’re not. I don’t want to impose myself in your home, because I shouldn’t be there at all.”

She looked him in the eye with a hint of determination. “You are going to stay in my house as long as you need. I really don’t care if you are an asshole. In fact, I accept and acknowledge that you’re just not a nice person. But you’re going to stay in my house, because even… even assholes deserve decency. And Ponyville isn’t a land that turns people away. Ever. It has had a long, treasured history of upholding the two ideals that it was founded by: Love and Toleration. And I intend to uphold those ideals as well as I can, just as I hope any citizen of Ponyville would in my place. You see?”

Slightly shocked by the generosity she had extended, he chuckled in surprise.

“Well whoa, now, Charles Dickens.” He said.

She looked back at him confused. “Charles Dickens?”

“A writer who couldn’t decide when to stop.” He explained, vaguely waiting to see that she would get it.

Her eyes lit up moments later. “Oh, I get it!” Then she frowned. “Wait…I get it.”

He couldn’t help it. He chuckled, if only for a moment.

* * *
The balloon descended gently on the grass in front of a house that looked very much like the first house he had seen in Ponyville. Thankfully, it was late, so there weren’t any ponies out. Twilight led him in, followed by Spike, who still hadn’t said much, but no longer looked at him suspiciously, at least.
“Well, this is my place.” Twilight announced. “Your room is up that ladder and past mine and Spike’s beds. Bernard stared at all the books surrounding them before he glanced back at an expectant Twilight.

“Uh, yeah, that’ll do.” He said distractedly to Twilight.

Climbing up, and entering the room that had been hidden by the walls, he closed the door and took off his shoes, dress shirt, and coat. He laid down uncomfortably on a bed made for 4 foot long ponies, and said shortly: “Good night.”
He waited a few moments, and heard Twilight sleepily reply; “Good night, Bernard.” turning to his side, he closed his eyes as he heard Spike say; “Good night.” Bernard had so far been taken back by the kindness shown by the few people he had met, and completely surprised by the fact that Twilight had already opened her home to him. He realized how tired he was, and shortly, fell asleep.

Morning broke, and as one of his first conscious senses of the day, Bernard felt a heavy weight on his chest, constricting his breathing. He opened his eyes barely, and saw something pink before closing them again. Then, he snapped his eyes open. A pink thing sat upon his chest, looking directly at him with an absurdly happy grin on her face. He stared at her for a moment before screaming: “What the livid fucking hell?!” and launching himself and the creature apart from each other, him falling on the ground and her flying out the door. Falling on the rock hard wooden floor was not an enjoyable experience, and he groaned in pain.

Not a second later, his groaning was interrupted by the thing literally standing on his solar plexus and saying in a high,
creepily cheery voice: “Hi! I’m Pinkie Pie!”

“ARGHHH!!!” Was his only response as he once again launched himself and the creature off the floor, only this time with the thing latching itself onto him with an iron grip and not moving an inch.

“Get this goddamned thing off of me!” He screamed in absolute terror, desperately attempting to pry the demon spawn off of
his flesh. It was of no use, as the creature clung to him like an octopus intent on holding onto its prey until the very end of time.

“Pinkie!” he heard another voice yell.

The creature released its iron grip almost instantly, happily replying; “Yes, Spike?” innocently.

Bernard collapsed on Twilight’s bed, gasping for air as Spike spoke:

“Twilight said you could wake him up. Not try to give him a heart attack. Are you alright, Bernard?”

“Fine.” Bernard gasped.

“I just wanted to welcome him to Ponyville!” the creature known as ‘Pinkie Pie’ said happily.

“Alright, just don’t constrict his breathing, next time?” Spike said, exasperated.

“Okie Dokie, Lokie.” She replied, and bounced out of the room.

Spike looked over at Bernard. “Sorry,” he said, slightly amused.

Bernard shook his head forcefully. “I-I don’t wanna see… that damned thing… ever- ever again. Ever.”

Spike laughed. “You’ll get used to it. To be honest, she kind of grows on you.”

Bernard stared at him with insane eyes. “So does a flesh eating bacteria!”

“Yeah, I guess.” Spike laughed again. “Anyway, come to the kitchen- Twilight made breakfast."

He took a final, shuddering gasp of air, and stood. Come to think of it, he didn’t feel nearly as old as he thought he should- in fact, he felt maybe 15 years younger here. Another thing- it was noticeably easier to walk and generally move around here. He climbed down the ladder and walked into a door which he hadn’t noticed last night and was greeted by a smell that was incredibly delicious. The smell of eggs and bacon wafted over to him and his mouth watered instantly. But the moment was interrupted by the ‘Pinkie Pie’ jumping in front of his face and saying:

“Ha! You’re funny! I like you.”

“Gah!” He grabbed the creature, opened the nearest window to him, and threw it out of the window. He hoped with the
hopes of hopes that it was dead.

“Bernard!” Twilight Sparkle said in horror.

He looked at her in triumph. “Don’t- don’t worry, Twilight. That godforsaken thing can’t hurt anyone now.”

She looked at him in bewilderment. “You just threw Pinkie Pie out a window!”

To his horror, he heard giggling outside. “Oh-oh god.” He said.

Twilight looked at him in approval. “Well, at least you’re sorry for what you’ve do-“

“It can’t die!” he said in terror.

“-ne.” She finished, with an emotionless look on her face. “Look, Bernard. Pinkie Pie isn’t demon spawn. She’s just… a little… overbearing.”

“She tried to kill me! She’s like a boa constrictor! Slowly choking you to death while all the time looking completely innocent!”
She sighed, and leaned out the window. “Pinkie Pie?”

“Yes?” giggled the pink horror.

“Can you come in and greet Bernard calmly, this time?”

“Okie Dokie, Lokie!” the creature repeated. An instant later she was right next to Bernard.

“Hi!” She said.

He had to restrain himself from picking her up and drop kicking her thousands of miles away. He slowly, painfully replied:

“H…hello.”
She immediately snapped her attention away from him and onto Twilight. “I hate to miss eating your super yummy food, Twi, but I really need to get the shop ready for the day.”

Twilight looked at her in amusement. “You’re sure you don’t want anything before you go, Pinkie?”
“Welll…” She deliberated for a moment before scooping up half of everything on the table with her mouth and resuming her spot next to Bernard. “Okay! Fee you later, guyf!” And disappeared with a pink puff of smoke resembling her shape.

He stared at the smoke in terror. “Did- did she just eat two plates along with 15 pounds of food?”

Twilight and Spike both laughed.

“It’s not damned funny! That thing is a- a- monster!”

That just made them laugh harder.

* * *