Scratch Reviews!

by TheMajorTechie

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Random, DJ P0N-3, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other
Length: 1527

Vinyl Scratch isn't only a DJ. She's also quite an avid reviewer. For what, you may wonder? For anything, really.

In her off-time, when she isn't busy doing anything in particular, Vinyl Scratch is often found either sleeping, or roaming across Equestria, searching for... nothing in particular. It's an endless search-- not for the want of an object, but for the wanting of an experience.

And experience, is exactly what Vinyl writes her reviews on.

An anthology of various random encounters between Vinyl Scratch and miscellaneous circumstances.

Published 2017-12-21 06:50:06 UTC
Last updated 2018-01-08 06:23:00 UTC

Vinyl Scratch reviews bad fanfics.

Vinyl snorted in bemusement as she stared at the literary counterpart to a garbage fire.

"This is trash." she complained, "No, that's offensive to my trash pile in the corner. This is crap..."

A mental image of post-digested mixed words entered her mind as the embodiment of her current reading material.

"Yup. It's horsecrap." Vinyl repeated, looking down to painstakingly continue reading.

Vinyl leaned in close to Spike-etti the Great and Powerful Savior of All Things Good.

"I love you." she cooed softly, bringing a hoof to the young dragon's cheek.

"I love you more." Spike-etti replied, leaning in.

"NOPE." Vinyl screeched as she threw the 'fanfiction' article out the window. "NOPE. NOPE. NOPE."

Author's Note

Vinyl Scratch reviews slow internet.

Vinyl stared glumly as the unmoving percentage bar stood still.

All she wanted was to download ~~lewd pics of her roomate~~ a new album from Sapphire Shores.

"Vinyl?" Octavia called from outside the door, "Are you downloading lewd pics of me again?"

"Um..." Vinyl stammered, hitting the cancel button, "N-no! Definitely not!"

And so Vinyl spent the rest of her night staring at the background image of her computer: a large, heart-shaped, bass-cannon equipped ship.

Author's Note

Gotta love the ships. :trollestia:

VINYL SCRATCH REVIEWS CAPS LOCK!!!

"HI!" Vinyl typed into her computer during her concert-planning with Pinkie, "HOW'S THE CONCERT PLANS GOING?"

"AMAZING!" Pinkie replied in the chat, "DO YOU KNOW HOW TO TURN OFF CAPS LOCK?"

"JUST PRESS THE CAPS LOCK KEY AGAIN!" Vinyl typed, chuckling at Pinkie's caps-lock slipup.

"BUT I ALREADY DID THAT SEVERAL TIMES!" Pinkie sent in return, "OH WAIT. IT'S JUst me shouting at the screen!"

Vinyl frowned at the fact that suddenly Pinkie's voice was coming from her computer speakers even when they were currently muted.

"OKAY." Vinyl shouted back at her screen.

Because Caps-Lock is just shouting in text form.

Vinyl Scratch reviews Twilight Land

Vinyl lowered her sunglasses, gaping at the massive horde of Twilight Sparkle clones that populated the new country before her.

"Mother. Of. Celestia." She whispered to herself from the safety of the hot air balloon.

"Hello! I'm Grand Princess Twilight, and this is my sister, Grand Princess Twilight the Younger! Welcome to Twiland!"

Vinyl Scratch grinned awkwardly as she was led through Sparklalot by the two lavender alicorns, noticing how the most common conversation point she kept overhearing from the population was always somewhere along the lines of,

"Gosh, do you think her name's Twilight?"

Or...

"Why does that pony look so different?"

Or even sometimes... "T̴͉̃Ĥ̴̗̳̇̈̚Ò̵̭̰͈Ş̶̬̦̑E̴̢͍̱̊ͅ ̵̫̈́̌G̴̲͛͊Ļ̵̓Ą̷̹̲̅̂̊̚M̴̺͆̎ͅO̶̡̓͛͋͋͜R̸̢̯̣͘͝O̷̡̠̜̭͋̊Ǔ̷͍͔̅̚S̷͈̭̹͓̒̈́͆ ̴͔̞̩͙̌Ǵ̶̡̢̡̘͘O̵̝̰̘͒̽͆G̷̨̈́̀̃G̵͙̮̫̕L̵̨̻̇̍̍͂Ȅ̵͈̓͛S̸̊͜͝ ̶̨̪̲͉̍͆͛͗Ḁ̵͖͔̱͛̓́R̶̩̤͂͋̓É̶̡̱ ̶̯͖̼͇͊́T̶̝̘̺̠́̈́Ò̷̢̗̫̪̏ ̷̦͖͛̐̒D̴͙̝̜̎͛͝I̸̧͐͋E̵͕̙͝ ̸̢̮̠͈̂̈́F̴̞̺̊̑O̵̖͍̗̣͐̿͌R̵̻͖̓͠!̴̲̬̓̋͂"

Frankly, it was just a bit awkward for Vinyl. And she didn't even want to imagine what twins would be like.

"Do you wanna try some pie?" Grand Princess Twilight asked, holding up an apple pie, "They come straight from the Twilight family farm!"

"How about no." Vinyl deadpanned, staring at the odd purple pie...

...Of which promptly exploded, revealing a small lavender earth pony with a striking resemblance to both Twilight and Apple Bloom at the same time.

"BUY SOME APPLES!" the filly cheered, throwing apple pie pieces all over.

"Yeah... no." Vinyl replied as she turned, heading back to her hot air balloon.

"HALT ON THE ORDER OF GRAND PRINCESS TWILIGHT!" a guard suddenly shouted, blocking Vinyl's path.

"What." Vinyl deadpanned, "Just... no, I wanna go back to my marefriend and my wubs. Or at least, somewhere far away from... this."

The guard shook his head. "No." He replied deeply, "And now I, Commander Dusk Sparkle, will escort you, little non-Twilight, to the conversion chamber."

"What."

"WeLCOme tO tHe cONVErsIoN ChamBeR!" Grand Princess Twilight the Younger exclaimed, slamming the door open for a chained-up Vinyl Scratch.

"Really?" Vinyl deadpanned again, "All that commotion, and you lead me to a... what is this? Looks like a giant vat of purple gunk."

"EXACTLY!" Grand Princess Twilight the Younger screeched, shoving Vinyl closer to the aforementioned vat of purple gunk.

"NOPE!" Vinyl shouted back in return as she activated her hidden bass cannon. Of which she proceeded to somehow use as a jetpack. While still chained. And very much attached to a startled, panicking Grand Princess Twilight the Younger.

Vinyl's rating: 7.8/10, too much Twilight.

~~JOIN THE CULT OF THE TWILI--~~

*Newspaper smacking noises*

Vinyl Scratch reviews annoying things.

"Pfft." Vinyl scoffed, "This isn't for me. Or probably anything else, really."

The eternally-screaming chicken of pain sighed, and screamed off into the sunset.

Because why not.

Vinyl's review: 2/10, too much screaming.

Vinyl Scratch reviews Christmas Fruitcake.

"Uth." Vinyl grumbled through a mouthful of rock-hard fruitcake, "Thisth tasth howwithle."

Octavia facehoofed. "Well, what did you expect, Vinyl? It's fruitcake."

Vinyl shrugged, and continued chewing the gummy fruitcake for the next three hours before spitting it out and shattering a window in the process.

Vinyl's Review: 3/10, too much brick powder, not enough fruit.

Author's Note

Merry Christmas, y'all! :twilightsmile:

Vinyl Scratch reviews MAIL polish.

Author's Note

Literally nobody in my family uses nail polish. Not my mom, not my sister. This literally just popped up in my head while I was playing angry birds.

Why? Because puns.

Vinyl Scratch reviews MAIL polish.

Vinyl stared at the envelope in front of her. It was clearly coated in a hefty amount of sparkles, on top of its hot-pink shiny laminate layering.

"What." she began...

"Is this." she continued, staring straight through the Fourth Wall at the questionably-sane author.

IT'S MAIL POLISH! the author bellowed in return, cackling in fits of laughter.

The unicorn opened the envelope, only to find...

Nail polish.

"What."

Vinyl's review: What./10 - Seriously, what.

Vinyl Scratch reviews floor bread.

Vinyl Scratch chewed with a clearly uninterested face. After all, she was just asked to review Pinkie Pie's newest creation: Floor Bread.

And no, it wasn't a slice of bread laying on the floor. That was the supposed "prototype" before it was stepped on by accident.

This time, the floor was the bread.

And if you asked Vinyl, it was also waaaaaay too mushy.

"Eh." Vinyl mumbled through a mouthful of bread, "Could've been better."

She swallowed, and took another bite of floor bread. This time, it was cake-flavored.

"Huh." she said, pausing for a moment, "It just got better."

She took yet another bite, this time a bit more eagerly. The floor now tasted of dubstep. How it did, nobody would know. It is Pinkie Pie's creation, after all.

Vinyl proceeded to sit dumbfounded on the dubstep-flavored floor bread for the next two hours. It was too good to reasonably handle.

Vinyl's review: 11/10, amazing floor bread is amazing.

Vinyl Scratch reviews Twilight's library.

"WHERE'S ALL THE DUBSTEP BOOKS?!" Vinyl hollered, throwing another theoretical physics textbook aside, "I NEED TO LEARN FROM THE MASTERS!"

Twilight raised a brow. "What masters?" she replied curiously.

"..."

"..."

"Riiiiiight." Twilight finally continued, leaving the library wing of her castle, "Tell me when you want to check something out."

Vinyl pulled another book from the shelf.

"How to ship yourself with your marefriend" Vinyl read, before tossing the book aside with the hundreds of other tomes she had searched through.

Twilight returned a moment later with a scroll. "Ever try this?" she began, holding the scroll up to Vinyl, "Book searching spell. It works almost instantaneously."

Vinyl left Twilight's castle with her book, leaving behind a large pile of books and a very annoyed Spike.

Her rating? 8.9/10. Too many books, not enough staff.

Vinyl Scratch reviews Luxury Airships.

Vinyl Scratch stared, unamused, from her room's porthole.

One week, she thought as a bird passed by, one freakin' week of off-time, and I'm stuck in a flying barrel in the sky.

She quietly glanced at her duffel bag sitting by the door. Octavia, her long-time roommate, had taken the two on a vacation on a "luxury airliner", but so far, this so-called "vacation" seemed more like a boredom trap.

The worst part? Every time she began playing her music, nearly all the ponies from the entire hallway would come screaming and pounding at the door for her to turn it down.

Though, at least, that was the worst of it.

Maybe. Vinyl thought as she pulled her soundsystem from the bag.

In a blast of bass, Vinyl crashed through the door, soaring over the heads of the complaining ponies as her signature musical setup bowled down the hallway, flattening anything in its path.

From an outside observer, it would've looked like the ship had been shelled by some sort of infiltrator unit. But nope. It was just a part of the ship imploding from dubstep. Because dubstep.

As for Vinyl, she was now gently floating down to the ground on a parachute, her belongings beside her in their own crate.

Vinyl's score? 3/10. If dubstep isn't allowed, it isn't worth it. Also, the ponies were rather rude when they kicked her overboard.

As for Octavia, she was still completely and utterly clueless as to what had just taken place.