Of Shooting Stars

Of Shooting Stars

Chapter 7: Memoriam

Cold water fell from above, covering her entirely. The frigid sensation soaking through her fur dulled her skin. Slowly the outside world faded into the vacant haze left by the droplets crashing down onto the tile floor. Lost inside the glistening shower wall spread before her, Rainbow hoped the shower would wash away the gross stickiness that clung so desperately to her body, but it didn't. It wasn't sweat from the show, and she knew that now since it lingered still.

She pressed her forehead to the wall and closed her eyes. Faint echoes resonated inside her head. “If you were home more!” Twilight's ghostly voice still stung.

Rainbow took a deep breath and opened her eyes. “Like I don't want to be…”

Without looking, she swiped down on the faucet killing the water flow. As the remaining water from the showerhead dripped into her mane, she still stared at the wall. “It’s easy for her to say that, but she knows damn well—”

The clop of hooves on tile broke the otherwise pristine silence of the showers. “You turn into a duck in here or what, Crash?” Rainbow looked up to see Fleetfoot standing in the doorway.

“Lost track of time,” Rainbow muttered, flicking her soaked mane to the side where it clung to her face.

“Spitfire’s waiting on you for the post-show debriefing so dry off.” Fleetfoot tossed a towel to Rainbow before pointing over her shoulder. “She’s in a mood,” she added with a laugh before turning around and stepping through the doorway.

Rainbow rolled her eyes as soon as Fleetfoot was gone. She threw the towel over her head, scrubbing her drenched mane vigorously. “I know I wasn’t on my A-game out there.” When she was satisfied drying, she draped the towel over her neck and looked up at the ceiling.

Why did today have to turn out like this?

Just lifting her hoof felt like wearing lead shoes as she took a small step away from the shower. The mere thought of leaving the empty mares’ showers’ comfort so she could listen to Spitfire rip them a new one for being sloppy made her nauseous. Simply being around others was the last thing she wanted to do, but staying here was only delaying the inevitable.

When Rainbow poked her head out from the hallway leading into the locker room, she saw all the Wonderbolts gathered around Spitfire. “Glad you decided to show up, Crash!” Spitfire raised an eyebrow, though her expression remained flat. “Last in gets first jabs,” she added, her hoarse voice locked fully in “coach mode” punctuating her tone with an extra sting she lacked in casual conversation. “I don’t know what was going on out there, but you were loose on every formation and lagged behind. Clipper almost nailed you on the last quad-helix. I don’t think you want a first hoof demonstration how he earned that name.”

Fleetfoot snickered.

“You find that funny?” Spitfire locked eyes on Fleetfoot. “You know what High Winds didn’t find funny? When her point pony’s quick triggerhoof decided she should pull up early making the second spiral look lopsided!” She launched a hoof at her and narrowed her gaze. “I know it’s the end of the season, kids, but to the ponies that came out to see us today, this wasn’t just some show. It was a Wonderbolts show! You all make me sick to lead you sorry sacks. I have half a mind to cancel your vacation and haul all of you back to the training ground after today.”

“Come on, Spits, don’t do that!” Soarin cried.

“I’d like to see my home sometime this month,” another voice came from the crowd.

Spitfire sighed. With a flick of her hoof, she said, “Fine. Get out of here and come back with a hundred and ten percent in a few weeks or I’m going to promote some reserves and you’ll all find your asses to the curb.”

While the rest of her team broke for their lockers, Rainbow crawled along the wall. Before long, she slipped out of the locker room unnoticed. Even after Spitfire just reamed her and the team out, Twilight’s voice still remained ever-present at the back of her mind. Her wings twitched with each replay of that single sentence, as though preparing to take off for home. But Rainbow never left the ground. Instead, she made her way through the winding halls of the Canterlot Stadium underbelly, completely on autopilot. Time lost meaning as her wings twitched and Twilight continued to repeat over and over until she tripped over something.

Rainbow shook her head and looked to her hooves, finding a barbell. Around her, weights, benches, machines, an entire gym—one used for training camps. She must have wandered around the entire stadium’s underbelly a few times before finding her way here. After a moment, she looked down to the barbell again and took a deep breath. A weak smile spread across her lips as she brushed the tip of her wing along the metal bar. For the first time since she and Twilight blew up at one another, a thought broke through the fog—a welcomed thought.

Working out will clear my mind. Just work out for a… —she ran her lower lip under her teeth— a few days or weeks and I’m sure Twilight will have forgotten about the whole thing.

Rainbow winced when her heart squeezed tight. “Just work out and never deal with your problems…” she muttered to no one. “Like you always do.” Eyes closed, she kicked the ground with her back leg. “I’m such a damn coward.”

Autopilot took hold once more, this time she lay on the bench and hoisted the barbell above her head with her wings. Down it dropped until it almost bumped her chest and then she pushed it back up. The again and again. Numbers didn’t come to mind—why count when all she wanted was to feel the burn in her muscles. Any pain to pull her mind away from Twilight.

Some Element of Loyalty I turned out to be. Hell with that, some wife turned out to be! Can’t even be there for my family. If it’s a monster or my friends are in trouble, sure. Be there without even batting an eye, but once it’s about me? Rainbow clenched her jaw. Searing pain surged through her wings with every pump of the bell. The weight didn’t matter, nor the reps. Just that it hurt.

Sun’s sake, it’s just like with Dad all over again. Can’t ever tell her how I really feel unless I blow up and then run off like a scared little filly. Her vision grew blurry. The question why it blurry briefly crossed her mind, but it didn’t matter. All that mattered was the pain.

Suddenly a wet streak rolled down her cheek. Rainbow stopped, holding the weight in place at its apex. For the love of—I’m crying? Really? I’m so damn pathetic! Of course, I’m never there for them because I’m too busy running away and crying! Light’s going to hate me when she grows up because I’m just like my stupid father!

Rainbow pumped the weight hard, thrusting it up faster after she pulled it in. No pauses between pumps, she pushed forward, her wings stinging in agony. But that’s all that mattered. And instead of telling them any of this, you’re here at this stupid gym lifting a stupid weight, because you’re so stupid! It’s not like she’s right! Another kid’s not going to fix the problem, even if she wants one!

With one more thrust, Rainbow loosed a primal scream as her muscles screamed in searing white agony. Family isn’t as easy as I made it sound but it’s not like Twilight’s thinking straight! How the hell can we have another kid when we can’t even protect the one we have! Once she reached the apex of her rep, her wings quivered. Pain surged from the tips of her feather down into her back. A kid’s not the issue at all! Damn it! We’re both wrong so why can’t we just admit that!

“Crash?” a voice called from the doorway. “What are you still doing here? I thought you left hours ago.”

As soon as the words hit her ears, Rainbow sucked in a lungful of air and tossed the weight aside. No longer burdened, her wings fell flat, stretching out. Every muscle fiber sobbed in sweet relief. Still huffing and puffing, Rainbow turned her head to the doorway with still tear-soaked eyes to find a blurry yellow and orange blob standing there. Hoof to her eyes, she wiped away the watery haze to reveal Spitfire being the one who called out to her.

“You know, when I said I’d haul you all back for training, that was just me being a hardass. You don’t have to beat yourself up in here,” Spitfire said as she took a few steps into the gym. With a few glances, she realized they were alone and took a seat on the ground next to Rainbow. “You’re usually the first to bail after training or shows to get home to your family. So when you dipped out, I thought you just left.”

Spitfire chuckled. But sticking around after today, makes me think you’ve got a better work ethic than I thought.” She shrugged after a second. “At least better than you’ve had lately.”

At the mention of family, Rainbow clenched her jaw and looked away. “Yeah, thought I’d maybe go back with you—spend a few days at the training grounds to brush up. I was pretty sloppy out there,” she said through her clenched teeth.

Her heart clenched once more in her chest. Stupid! Don’t go to train! You need to go home and sort this out! You remember what Twilight told you a while ago, you can’t keep doing this!

“Not that I mind if you come, but I can’t babysit you with personal training, Crash. I’ve got my own stuff to do at HQ, like paperwork, event organization, training schedules, meal plans, trainee evals—not to mention my own training.” Spitfire looked around the gym once more before turning her sights back to Rainbow. The bloodshot eyes and wet, matted fur on her cheeks were a clear sign, but the aversion was the dead giveaway. After a few seconds, she nodded and took a deep breath. “So, Dash, I’m guessing the sloppy performance today wasn’t from slacking.” She scratched the back of her head and rolled her eyes. “I mean, I know it wasn’t. I lead the team, so know what your half-assed looks like. It’s better than some ponies’ hundred percent, so this isn’t just being lazy.” After a short pause, Spitfire cleared her throat. “So, uh, you want to talk about it?”

“Not really,” Rainbow slat out, rolling her lip under her teeth once more.

“Alright,” Spitfire stood up. “Good talk. See you after the break, Dash.” A small smile of relief brushed across her face momentarily as she turned for the door, but she didn’t get far. A hoof on her shoulder pulled her back down to her haunches and Spitfire frowned.

“Damn it, yes.” Rainbow rolled her eyes. “I do want to talk about it, I’m just crap at it.”

“Yeah, it’s a pretty common theme on the team.” Spitfire nodded, circling around to face the other mare with pinched eyes.

Rainbow sat up to her haunches. As she tucked her still-stinging wings behind her back a burn resonated through her muscles causing her to take a steady breath. “Spitfire, you’re one of the only ponies I know who seems to have her life together. I need some advice. A few weeks back, Twilight dropped the bombshell on me that wants to have another kid.”

Spitfire nodded.

“I’m never around for the one we already have as it is since I have to fly to and from HQ every day during the training season or I just sleep there and not at home. Not to mention we’ve both got our fair share of ponies we’ve pissed off and that’s a whole other mess that sprung up on us today—right in front of our daughter too.”

“Yeah?”

The room fell silent with Rainbow staring at Spitfire. She honestly expected more than a “yeah.” After it was clear she wasn’t getting more, she continued. “What do you think I should do about that?”

Spitfire took a deep breath. “About what? That’s not a thing you can do something about.

Rainbow’s ears fell flat with her eyelids. “I see what you meant about being crap at talking was a theme on the team.”

“Look, Dash, you’re a good flier. You’re a good pony.” She paused for a moment before nodding as she said, “You’re probably a good parent and wife too, but that’s a little outside my area of expertise. But I’ll tell you what I do know. I know my team. I know that of the ponies on the ‘Bolts right now, you’re the only one who’s married and also the one with the most absences.”

Rainbow rolled her eyes. “I wasn’t asking for stats, Spitfire…”

“You think those two ‘stats’ are unrelated?” Spitfire raised an eyebrow. “Were you listening in the locker room after the show? Ponies wanted to go home so they could actually see their homes. You live in a castle offsite, but the rest of the team lives at the HQ during the on season.”

After a moment, Rainbow furrowed her brow. “So…”

“So none of them have kids and they spend most of their time at HQ training. What I’m saying, Dash, is that being a Wonderbolt takes a lot of time. It’s not a job, it’s a life.”

“So what?” Rainbow asked, tapping her chin. “You don’t have anypony Spitfire?”

She shrugged. “Never felt like it. I’m kinda married to my job. Love what I do and don’t have time for anypony else besides the team.”

With that, Rainbow blinked rapidly then pinched her eyes shut. “I don’t think I like what you’re getting at. Being a Wonderbolt has been my dream for…” She ran her hoof through her mane. “Forever! I don’t want to give up on it!”

“I’m not saying give up on it, Dash, but prioritize. It looks like you’ve got other priorities besides being a Wonderbolt. Since you’re asking me, I’ll tell you what I’d do. The ponies of Equestria have a whole team of Wonderbolts and you’re going down in history as one of its finest members already. Legacy secured there. Your kid and wife, though? They’ve only got one of you. So I think you should give your rugrat somepony to look up to.”

“I can’t just—” Rainbow cut herself off with a shudder through her whole body “—I can’t just quit on my dream.”

Spitfire laughed, giving Rainbow a hard slap on the shoulder as she did. “You don’t have to quit right now. I mean, we could just bump you back to the reserves until you’re ready for full-time again. We’re off for a few weeks and we’ve got training for a few weeks after that. Why don’t you take some time off and think about it? That’s all I’m saying.” Spitfire turned away again and started for the door. When she reached it, she looked back over her shoulder and laughed again. “You’ve got a good thing going at home, Dash, I’m just saying don’t feel like you have to be here over the other things that are important to you.”

Rainbow looked to the ground for a second and then to her own hoof. She stared deep into her frog and let out a sigh. “Thanks, Spitfire. I take it back, you’re not so crap at this after all.”

“It’s part of the job,” she said with a smirk.

Rainbow leapt up from the bench and moved to the door. “I have to go talk to my wife.”

“Good choice.”