AJ, Rarity, and Fluttershy Complain About Their Minimal Role in the Movie
“I can see a rainbow, in your tears as they fall down…” Songbird Serenade serenaded her closing song to the cheers of thousands of excited ponies (and she hoped, a few captivated Oscar judges.)
The credits rolled, as the Canterlot celebration went off without a hitch! Well, unless you consider an invasion to be a hitch.
“Great job, girls,” Twilight Sparkle said to her five friends. “I almost forgot what friendship meant, but thankfully you five were there to remind me!”
“Awesome! Remember how I got those pirates to be pirates again? By singing a song, of course!” Rainbow boasted.
“I had so much fun with those seaponies! Just one small thing, one small thing,” Pinkie reminisced about her song.
“Yeah, and I…” Applejack started. “Wait a gosh darn minute. What exactly did I do, again? I know I didn’t sing a song.”
“Um…” Rarity started. “You helped me, darling, with the… uh, the thing. Hmm. Come to think of it, I can’t recall what I did, either? Nor what song I sang, other than the ones all six of us took part in.”
“Well, I was going to use the Stare on that Seapony Queen to get her to give us the pearl, but… I couldn’t find the time,” said Fluttershy. “Everypony else got in the way.”
“Everypony else? Don’t you mean, these three?” said Applejack, pointing an accusing hoof at Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and Twilight Sparkle.
Twilight Sparkle’s jaw dropped. “Me? But I had an important lesson to learn about how stealing a national treasure is wrong! Or, wait, was it that I always should trust in my friends? I think I already knew that one, though.”
“You snooze, you lose!” Rainbow Dash grinned. “Sorry that you three don’t know any cool tricks like the SONIC RAINBOOM!”
“Yeah! Or that you’re not super duper hyper like me!”
“Shut up, Jar Jar Pinks,” said Rarity. “Your humor on our adventure was only funny to the most childish of babies.”
Pinkie gasped. “You take that backsie wacksie!”
“You’ve been spendin’ too much time with those Cake twins, I reckon,” Applejack scoffed. “It’s made your jokes into silly, stupid nonsense! Rainbow Dash, your Sonic Rainboom almost got us all captured. You ain’t never been that reckless before.”
Twilight Sparkle scoffed. “I can’t work like this. I’m going back to my trailer!”
“Us too!” Rainbow Dash shouted, zipping off towards Twilight’s trailer.
Pinkie said something uncharacteristically mean, too.
After the mane three left, Applejack, Fluttershy, and Rarity departed for Rarity’s trailer.
“Oh, my goodness, I need a cigarette,” said Rarity, floating a Mareboro Smooth 100 from her purse and magically lighting it with her horn. Yes, she actually can do magic beyond simple telekinesis, thank you for remembering season one.
“I need one, too,” said Fluttershy.
“But you don’t smoke,” said Applejack. “It reminds you of snorin' dragons, remember?”
“Well today, I do. I’m so mad, that I could… that I could… blow that smoke right out of my ears like steam!”
“You mean you’re able to display emotions other than meekness, and doing things other than saying ‘yay’ and cowering? I’d almost forgotten,” said Rarity, floating a cigarette into Fluttershy’s mouth.
“Cough! Cough!” Fluttershy wheezed. “Of course. I'm a terrific actress. Those other three just sucked up all the air in the room! I kind of have a Jekcolt and Hyde thing usually, though.”
“It’s a darn shame you didn’t get to use your angry side and go ballistic on those baddies we tussled with,” said Applejack, popping open a bottle of Applejack Daniels and taking a swig.
Rarity chuckled. “Applejack, everypony knows that you’re not really country. You’re an actress from Trottingham!”
“Darn it, I’ll stay in character until the DVD commentary is over!” said Applejack, stealing a joke from another movie as she took another swig from her bottle. "Lord knows I didn't stay in character on our adventure. I coulda lassoed us all to safety when we were fallin' from that pirate ship, but of course Twilight had to do all the rope-tyin' stuff. 'Cause she's an alicorn princess."
“I just can’t believe that I didn’t get to sing,” Fluttershy lamented. “I have a lovely singing voice and I was going to sing about kindness and helping your fellow pony to those seaponies…”
“But then Pinkie and Twilight stole your thunder!” Rarity scoffed, practically spitting out the two mares’ names. "Remember those mean, greedy creatures in the marketplace when we were looking for the Hippo Queen? The ones who wanted to buy and sell us? I was going to give them all a stern lecture about generosity and how to clean up their filthy, polluted town, but a certain cat who wasn't Opal decided to butt in!"
“They screwed us worse than a sch… a squeaky bolt on a barn door!” Applejack slurred through her drinking.
The door to the trailer popped open, as a certain cat on the prowl was looking for some after-credits equine "action", if you know what I mean.
“Hey, good lookin’, what’s cookin’?” said the tall tabby cat, the dapper Capper. Admit it, you already forgot his name.
“Get the heck on outta here!” Applejack shouted, throwing her now-empty bottle at the cat. But with his (actor's) cat-like reflexes, he dodged it, and it smashed to bits on the mirror with those little lights around it. You know the ones; they're in actors' trailers.
“What’d I do?” he asked innocently.
“Well, you tried to sell us into slavery, for one,” Rarity remarked.
Capper removed his cat mask, revealing a human head. "Hey, I didn't even do that! We're all just actors, remember? I'm just some kid fresh outta the human world, trying to pay his way through Canterlot Community College by acting!"
“Worse than the slavery thing, you stole our thunder!” Fluttershy shouted.
“You and y’all… them piratesh… I think y’all had more lines during our advenshure than the three of us combined!”
Capper's actor shrugged. “Then you need to fire your agents, ponies.”
He ducked out just before Applejack threw a makeup kit at him. It, too, hit the mirror, now broken.
“That’s seven years of bad luck, you know,” said Fluttershy.
“Seven years, or seven seasons?” Applejack lamented, drowning her head in her hooves. “Y’all all get to learn lessons and go ‘round, become princesses, open up new stores, become a wonderbolt, and what do I get? Still buckin’ apples at the farm!”
“We’re getting a bit off track, dear. Let’s stick to our most recent adventure,” said Rarity.
“Oh, right.”
The door to the trailer opened once more, and in walked Starlight Glimmer.
“Hey, guys. Man, I don’t know what came over me! It’s like I forgot that I could teleport when the Storm King arrived. Then I forgot that I had super powerful magic after that, and I ended up in chains with the rest of the ponies and didn’t even break them with a beam or something. At first I thought they couldn't afford the special effect, but then I saw all the other scenes. Hey, Rarity, can I bum a smoke?”
“Shut up, Starlight!” Fluttershy shouted.
“You ain’t one of us!” Applejack yelled.
“Indeed. You get all the glory during our more regular adventures,” Rarity scoffed. “You know what the only good thing was about this whole mess of a movie?”
The three of them shouted in unison, “You weren’t in it!”
Author's Note
That’ll be ten bucks, theater five to your right!
