Chapters Chaos always finds a way -- Prologue
In the fields of green, just outside Ponyville, Lazy Afternoon was honing his special talent – resting. It was a beautiful day; the sun was shining in all its glory, a gentle breeze pet the colt’s brown mane and cooled the skin under his tan fur. Two butterflies danced around the pony, looking to land on one of the nearby flowers. A family of birds was tending to their chicks. Afternoon felt relaxed and without a care in the world.
And then night came. The sun got shoved aside by the moon, pushing it beneath the horizon. Yeah, that tended to happen quite frequently as of late. Ever since cotton candy clouds begun showering ponyvillians with chocolate milk rain and some of the bunnies decided to stampede through the village on their elongated, horse-like legs, things just got weirder and weirder.
Lazy afternoon did his fair share of panicking way back in Ponyville. He ran and screamed like any other reasonable pony; blind luck lead him out of the maze of twisted buildings and hazardous events, such as roads turning into streams of slippery soap water or previously inanimate objects jumping around, bumping into everypony.
A few hours later he came to accept this new state of things – away from anything that could scare or potentially prank him, there weren’t that many things that changed. The sudden shifts in daytime were a bother, but nothing the colt couldn’t handle. Sometimes stray clouds of cotton would loom over him, pouring down chocolate milk (the drink he sincerely hated), but one could get used to that too. What really mattered was that he could rest more or less like he did before, eyes closed and body sprawled on the cushy grass… Which hopefully didn’t change to pillows or blankets just yet.
* * *
Lazy Afternoon was in the middle of an important nap when he felt something tickle his nose. Dismissing it as a ladybug or some other insect resting, he didn’t even bother to open his eyes. The pestering sensation however kept prodding the tip of his muzzle. The bug must’ve been jumping up and down – it wouldn’t be much of a surprise to the colt if the bugs decided it was high time for payback for all those years of being stomped on.
Lazy had a great supply of patience, but even such an ample source runs dry if one exploits it too much. The bug was doing just that, hopping on his nose like mad. The colt finally made an effort to swat the annoyance and to his surprise, his hoof bumped against something solid. It had fur. That couldn’t be right.
Opening his eyes was the first mistake Afternoon made. He yelled in horror and started off in a random direction with speed that would startle his former P.E. teacher. The second mistake was looking back at the creature that woke him up – it wasn’t there anymore. Instead, it appeared on his path, causing him to collide against its snake-like body. A pair of golden mismatched eyes looked down on the terrified pony, supplemented by a smile that revealed an oversized tooth.
Lazy couldn’t help but stare at the creature that so abruptly assaulted him. It had body parts of all sorts of creatures – the mix didn’t look hideous, come to think of, but it did put the colt’s head into a spin. The thing cocked its head, putting a lion’s paw to its chin.
“Hmmm… Not quite what I had expected. I see what you did there,” said the creature in a smooth voice, pointing a finger and winking at something only it could see. “But I guess I’ll just play along. Khekhem. Hello and welcome to Discordopolis! Or was it Discordia? Oh, never mind, we’ll work on the name later. I’m your host, Discord! Prince of Chaos, Spirit of Disharmony, Prankster Extraordinaire!” With each title the dragon-pony creature struck poses that were probably supposed to show its magnificence.
“By now you are probably thinking to yourself – Why in the world this charming, powerful, awesome and fantastic draconequus is gracing me, a simple and lowly pony, with his presence? Well, don’t hurt your head over that – you would never guess anyway! That is the beauty of it! And the exact reason I am here!”
Lazy’s panicked mind was beginning to clear a bit – the creature didn’t seem to want to hurt him. It kept on babbling something about Chaos, laughing at its own words or gesticulating wildly.
“So, all things considered, you have been chosen as my apprentice, my student, the Herald of Chaos itself! Isn’t that a great honor? What’s with that face? It is a thing to be happy about! It couldn’t be just anypony… Well, it could, but I guess it was supposed to be you.” Discord looked at his wrist where out of nowhere a small hourglass appeared. “Oh my, look at the time. I’ll be late! We can’t have Twilight Sparkle and her friends wait for me! I wish I could stay and chat more, but I guess we’ll have plenty of time for that later on. With all the honors and glory and so on and so forth… By the power of Almighty Chaos! You have the poweeeeeer !”
As the dragon-thing snapped its fingers, lightning struck from the skies, one bolt zapping Lazy Afternoon straight in the face. It didn’t hurt and the sensation was strange, to say the least -- nonetheless it caused the colt to pass out.
“See you again soon, my young student,” snickered Discord, observing the smoking pony as he lay unconscious. “It really is getting late. Time to go!”
And with a snap of his fingers, the draconequus vanished.
* * *
Lazy Afternoon felt a tingling on his nose. Probably a ladybug decided to rest on his muzzle… Wait…
The colt bolted to a standing position, head frantically twisting and turning, looking for the creature that previously zapped him with lightning. It was nowhere to be seen, thankfully. And Ponyville looked a lot better than before – no pink clouds, solid dirt roads, and ponies travelling peacefully… Just how long was he asleep? And what happened?
Best way to find out was to go back to town. Cautiously at first, the stallion entered the outskirts which looked quite normal. Houses were like they should be, nothing was jumping around and not a single stampeding bunny in sight.
“Excuse me, but… Why is everything okay in here?” Lazy asked a passing by pony.
“Oh, didn’t you hear? A bunch of ponies straightened things up. They used some kind of magic on a dragon thingy and poof! Things are normal again. And not a moment too soon!” the mare smiled and trotted on her merry way.
“Dragon thingy? So it wasn’t a dream?” the colt looked around slightly bewildered. “The draco-something… What did it say? What was its name again…?”
“Discord.”
“Yes, Discord! How did you…” as Lazy turned around, he found himself face to face with the dragon-pony.
Needless to say, the ponies in the vicinity got startled when Afternoon jumped up at least three feet high, freaked out and ran for the hills. He ran as fast as he could for as long as his legs would carry him. In his panic, he didn’t even notice when he left Ponyville, darted past a small cottage on the edge of Everfree and straight into the forest itself.
He finally tripped over some root. Landing face first in the dirt, he left quite an impressive skid mark before stopping. His was fighting for breath and too afraid to open his eyes.
“Now now, where in sweet Chaos are you going to, hmm?”
All Lazy Afternoon managed to do was yelp.
„Oh now, don’t be like that! You can’t ignore me forever~” sing-sang Discord, floating around Lazy Afternoon.
The colt was at his wit’s end as it was and his eye developed an unhealthy twitch. The most disturbing thing was that nopony else seemed to have noticed the master of Chaos lazily swimming in mid-air, kicking his feet in the air to keep up with the rather fast pace Afternoon picked up. Was he going crazy? Was he so stressed out yesterday he’s imagining things? Did that bolt of lightning coming from from Celestia knew where damage his brain?
“Comeeee ooooon, taaaaalk to meeee~”
* * *
Ponyville hospital was a rather busy place at the moment – given the time of the year, it was quite odd. Nurses and doctors ran around, checking up on patients, talking to families or writing something down in some papers. One of the medical ponies noticed Lazy Afternoon shuffling near the entrance, glancing left and right. The colt was clearly distressed, so the mare approached him with a friendly smile.
“Hello there! Is everything alright?”
The stallion jumped slightly, only now noticing the nurse. He stuttered for a second before clearing his throat.
“I uhm… I came to run some tests. I think there’s something wrong with my… Uh… Head…”
“Head trauma? Where does it hurt? Are you having nausea or have trouble keeping balance?”
“Umm… No… I, uh…” Lazy Afternoon pecked the ground with his hoof. “I… See things and hear… Voices…”
“Oh, so there is somepony else here too? Oh, what a terrible host you are, pony! Why didn’t you introduce me?” Discord floated around the surprised mare, making funny faces behind her back and pretending to mess with her mane. He couldn’t really touch her and Afternoon noticed that his hands simply sunk into her body.
“Voices?” repeated the nurse, rubbing her chin. “That sounds serious… When did you start hearing these voices?” she asked, beckoning the colt to follow her to the reception.
“Yesterday… Umm, that thing, Discord, it assaulted me. With lightning. It hurt.”
“Oh my!” gasped the pony, filling out a paper with a levitated quill. “That really sounds bad! Most of our patients today came with problems that started after that awful spirit appeared in town. Broken ankles, hypothermia, sore throats or colds; why, one would think a disaster hit Ponyville!”
“It kind of did, too!” finished the mare, opening a door for Lazy Afternoon. Inside was a pony wearing a white coat, bent over some files. “Doctor? Could you spare a moment? This patient seems to have suffered some kind of head trauma. He says lighting hit him.”
“Lightning, dancing buffalo, stampeding mutated bunnies… Ugh, the mess that abomination from yesterday left behind is just outrageous!”
“Well, look who’s talking, Mr. I-have-a-nest-on-my-head. I at least don’t blind ponies when they look at the back of my head. Nyyyyy!” Discord proceeded to make funny faces at the oblivious doctor.
The colt motioned Lazy to lie down, which the he gladly did. The pony then proceeded to check the stallion’s head, massaging it and humming to himself.
“There doesn’t seem to be any bone damage. Does it hurt anywhere? ”
“No. I just hear… Voices. And see things.”
“C’mon, turn him into a frog. Mares love frogs.” Chuckled Discord, mimicking a large toad.
Lazy Afternoon shook his head.
“Voices? Are you hearing them right now? What are they saying?”
“Tell him! Tell him… Oh, oh I know! Tell him that Lord Smooze is coming, that the end is nigh! That his toad-face shall explode into a thousand suns, giving birth to the uber-pony who shall rule Equestria till next Friday! Go ahead, tell him!”
“It’s all… Nonsense. Please, doctor, I really need help.” Lazy was shaking hard now, trying to ignore the Spirit who was noticeably disappointed.
“Of aaaaall the ponies in Equestria, why is it the least funny one? What the buck, Chaos?”
“Hmm… I understand. Is it a sort of murmuring, or a voice that says audible words?”
“Words. I can hear words.”
“And the images?”
“Can see them as clear as day, doctor.”
Discord was now on top of the doctor, pretending to ride him. He pulled out an oversized cowpony hat from Celestia knows where and was making all kinds of wild cheers.
“Hmm… But what exactly do you see?”
“Jam. Tell him you see winged jam! C’mon !”
“I see… I see that Spirit. Discord.”
“Did Discord do this to you? The lightning I mean.”
“Yes, doctor.”
The medical pony nodded his head, smiling gently and patting Lazy on the back.
“I understand. It must have been a traumatic experience, surely. I wouldn’t be surprised if you had a sort of paranoia right now. We’ll prescribe you some drugs and see if the images and voices go away. We’ll need to keep an eye on you, so I would appreciate it if you packed some essentials and came back to the hospital by the end of the day. Leave your address and name at the reception, okay?” The doctor smiled and showed his patient to the door. “Don’t worry, everything will be okay! Next!”
* * *
Lazy was moving along slowly, still trying to ignore the Spirit buzzing around his head like a stubborn fly.
“There is nothing wrong with you, you know,” stated Discord, admiring his eagle talon.
“No. There is something very wrong with me. But you’ll be gone soon. The doctor will heal me. And then, when it’s over, I’ll take a nap. And you know what? You won’t be there!” the colt chuckled to himself, causing a few worried heads to turn in his direction.
“I truly doubt that, pony. If you recall, you have been blessed with the power of Chaos. It’s not a condition one just recovers from. It isn’t a condition at all! Chaos isn’t a state you are in. It is an entity, a being if you will, one that has its own… Well, let’s call it mind.”
“I’m not listeniiiing~” sing-sang Lazy, picking up the pace. Get to his home, pack a tooth-brush, some clothes, his blanket, then to the hospital. As soon as possible.
“Oh, but I don’t think you have a choice, my apprentice! You see, I might be defeated and cast into cold, cold stone by those heartless Elements of Harmony… But part of my power, nay, part of my being is now within you. I may be downed, but I shall never be defeated! Buahhaahhah~haaaa.”
Afternoon was now running, trying to lose Discord who now apparently was travelling on a small sailboat.
“Look at me, now at yourself, now back to me. Sadly, you are not me.” The draconequus picked up a bottle of some shampoo that had his face on it. “However, if you use this New Spice spray, you can at least smell as divine as me. Hah, I kid, nopony can smell as great as me. You can still try though! Each and every one of your desires is just a snap of the fingers away!”
“Oh yeah? Then I wish you’d disappear!” yelled Lazy Afternoon, trotting through the center of Ponyville, causing a stir in the community.
“So be it! Just snap your fingers and I’m gone!”
Lazy stopped and finally looked Discord straight in the face, deadpan.
“I don’t have fingers.”
The Spirit looked at the colt’s four hooves, smiled and then started rolling in mid-air with laughter.
“That-That’s a good one! I really dig your sense of humor Chaos! Good one! Bravo! I daresay Bravo! Encore! Encore!”
“What’s so funny you freak?” hissed Lazy, lowering his head as the ponies around him begun to whisper about.
“Aha-Aha-Ahahaha~haaa…” The fit of laughter stopped as suddenly as it begun and Discord was now standing upright, again summoning a bunch of trinkets out of nowhere. This time, it was a scholar’s robe and hat, complete with a monocle and big, heavy tome under his lion’s paw.
“For starters, I am not a freak, and you will address me as Discord-sensei. I, am a draconequus,” said the Spirit, opening the book to show a picture of himself in something that was probably a magnificent pose. The text around the image was written in some kind of strange font and language that seemed to be twisting and shifting, sending Lazy’s head into a spin.
“Now that we have that out of the way, let me tell you a few things about Chaos” The book closed shut violently, snapping Afternoon out of the trance he was in. “Chaos. Chaos everywhere.” Discord enfolded most of Lazy’s body with his lion’s paw, his other hand motioning to the view in front of the pony’s muzzle. “It is not a single thing. It does not have shape, substance, consistency – you can’t measure Chaos, you can’t cause it or summon it. It is and isn’t, it exists and is nowhere to be found. It even isn’t an it! She prefers to be called a Lady.”
“Why am I even listening to you,” murmured Lazy, finally resuming his trip home. Discord floated alongside the colt, continuing his lecture regardless.
“You see, what I did back there wasn’t what you think it was. I didn’t zap you. It was Chaos saying ‘Hello! How are you!’ She is the real prank master, not me. You can’t simply wield the power of Chaos – she chooses to let you call her and sometimes does what you want. I like her ideas very much, she is such an artist! I say blue, she makes things green with magenta polka dots! I want a square, she gives me a smiley face! The thing we both agree on, though, is…” The Spirit snapped his fingers, materializing a glass with some brown liquid inside. “… That chocolate milk is the Bauss.”
“Bleh, I hate chocolate milk,” snapped Lazy. To his surprise, Discord stopped dead in his tracks and let go of the glass. The liquid spattered on the floor and the container flew sky high, giving a last gleam in the sunlight before vanishing from view.
“You… You don’t… Chocolate Milk?! Infidell! I KILL YOU!”
The colt’s eyes shrunk and he darted away, the Spiprit of Chaos hot on his heels, yelling some inaudible curses at the fleeing pony. The chase lasted up until Lazy was too tired to run anymore, falling over at his own doorstep.
Discord was flailing above him, making all sorts of choking motions around his neck and pretending to slice him with an invisible sword. All of it was harmless of course.
“Why?! Why in the world would you select and equine that didn’t like chocolate milk ? For what sins? Oh, wait, don’t answer that question, khem.”
Afternoon was beat. Tired, scared and beat. The Spirit was literary draining his sanity, a resource that was almost depleted by now. Without delay, the colt started packing, looking for a suitable suitcase to store his stuff in.
“Ah, what the hay, maybe that is the point? Not only are you being introduced to Chaos, but maybe we’ll be able to convert another lost soul to the only chocolate true way?”
“Lalilalalaaaa, I’m gonna get stoooooned with druuuugs, no more vooooices, no more teeeeears~” sang Lazy Afternoon, blocking out the Spirit who rambled something about the pros of chocolate milk over any other beverage.
“Haha, I can see you’re finally getting into the spirit of things! Insanity is but only one of the faces Chaos treasures so much!”
“I’m not doing anything, okay?!” snapped the colt, his eye twitching like mad now. “I just want you gone! If this Chaos is so mighty, why can’t I use it to get rid of you?!”
“Oh, you weren’t paying attention~” intoned Discord, smiling widely. “Chaos is not a thing. She is a Lady, and wants to be treated like one. But she does have an affinity for certain noises. Like a finger snap. Oh, she likes that sound. It took me a while to find a suitable sound to draw her attention from the plethora of things she has to manage! I tried many things – tambourines, armpit farts, high-pitched squeals – yep, done ‘em all. Finger snapping worked perfectly for me.”
“Well, I don’t have fingers, you can see that, can’t you?!” Lazy waved a hoof at Discord, who chuckled.
“Yes, of course! You know, you could just snap your fingers and ask chaos for some fingers! Of course she would probably just elongate your legs or twist your joints the other way for feathers and giggles, but you’d be a bit closer to her nonetheless!”
“I. Don’t. Have. Fingers.”
“Well then ,we’ll just have to look for another sound to lure the Lady’s attention to your meager self! How about clapping your hind hooves?”
“What? How am I supposed to… How does that even make sense!?”
“It doesn’t! That’s the whole point, silly-dilly! Unexpected events, unforeseen outcomes, it is all that Chaos is about! ”
“Ugh… No, I won’t! You’re just a sick part of my mind begging for attention. No, I won’t listen to your stupid requests. You’ll be gone by tomorrow, and I’ll be able to finally rest from your constant jabbering!”
“Suit yourself. I have all the time in the world. Stone isn’t maybe the most comfortable of places to be, but it does have a way of lasting forever, you know. You will listen to my words, I can guarantee you that much. Soon.”
Lazy finished packing his bag and exited his home, closing the door and cutting off the disturbing laughter of Discord.
* * *
“Hi there, Lazy Afternoon! How are we feeling today?”
The colt was wearing a hospital overall and lying in a simple bed. His personal blanket was put over the light green one the nurses gave to him. Lazy looked quite happy, all things considered.
“I feel wonderful, doctor.”
“That’s good to hear! Any voices or images haunting you?”
“No, doctor, nothing. Its peace and quiet. No tirades about chocolate milk, no stupid dragons floating about…”
“Splendid! The medication is working then. We’ll keep you here for some time, in case the symptoms resurface. I’ll come back later this afternoon to give you your next dosage.”
“Thank you, doctor. I mean it. What you did to me is… Thank you.”
The doctor smiled, holding his chin up in pride. Another satisfied patient, and yet another casualty of the horrible Spirit on its way to full recovery. The medical pony closed the doors behind him, leaving Lazy in a sedated state of bliss and happiness.
Whatever the doc gave him, it was wonderful. The sun was shining, a gentle breeze cooled his skin, not a sound was made… Bliss, just bliss. To his left he had some biscuits and milk, which he nibbled on from time to time. He turned towards the glass, meaning to pick it up; instead, he stared at it, his brain too slow to catch up to the sight before him.
The glass was dirty. No. The liquid inside was dirty. It wasn’t it either. The milk… It was brown…
Was it…
Chocolate…
Suddenly, the world went dark as two hands reached from behind to cover Lazy’s eyes.
“Guess who?”
NNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
A few rather bulky nurse ponies jumped into the room, immediately restraining Lazy Afternoon who was flailing on his bed. The colt managed to spill milk over his overalls, and there were biscuit crumbs all over the place.
“Hold him down gentlecolts,” said the doctor, levitating over a syringe filled with a transparent liquid. The needle sunk into Lazy’s neck, causing him to stiffen for a moment and then relax. The contents of the syringe were gone fast, and the stallion no longer struggled.
“Oh dear… ” sighed the medical pony, handing the used up syringe to a nurse. “This must be worse than I anticipated. I haven’t seen a pony in such a state for a very long time. Simple medications won’t cut it… Boys, bring him over to a separate room. And put him in a safety jacket so he doesn’t hurt himself.”
* * *
Lazy Afternoon’s head was fit to burst when he came to. He blinked away the darkness before his eyes, noticing that he was staring at a ceiling. He tried to sit, but something was holding his legs back – as he glanced sideways, he saw belts attached to his hooves. What just happened?
His right ear twitched – he heard a squeaky noise somewhere above him, as if somepony was squeezing one of those plastic toys that had fife’s in them. His head was free to move, so he turned to look at the source of the sounds.
It was none other than Discord, throwing a ball against the wall, bouncing it back as it came near him. The motion was very fluid and if Lazy didn’t know better, he would actually believe the Spirit was now with him, keeping him company.
“But you’re not,” hissed the colt, straining against his shackles. “You’re just an imaginary goblin that decided to haunt me. I’ll get rid of you, mark my words, I will-”
“Oh, boo hoo hooooo” interrupted Discord, catching the ball and vanishing it with a twist of his wrist. “When will you ever grow a pair and face the truth?”
“What truth? Pair of what ?” whispered the colt, making sure nopony else was listening. Him being in a straightjacket spoke volumes about the way ponies would react to seeing him talk to a wall.
“Pair of eyes , my dear friend. Can’t you see? At your hooves lies the most awesome power an earth pony could ever imagine. You were introduced to the most magnificent and powerful element in the whole wide world! And what do you do? Get cuffed and chucked into a loony bin. This isn’t even funny anymore.”
“Then what would you have me do? Snap my fingers and escape like Haunchini?!”
“You don’t have fingers, you made that perfectly clear just a few hours ago.”
“Then how else am I supposed to do this whole Chaos thing, huh? Clap my hind hooves? Fine! Oh wait, I can’t, they’re tied to the bucking table .”
“Your fault, not mine,” said Discord, puffing on his eagle claws. “You can try other things to lure the Lady’s attention. How about banging your head against the table? Whistling? Cracking your neck?”
“You’re joking, right?”
“I usually am, yes. And it would be funny if the Lady came after the sound of a bone or two breaking. But this time, I’m serious. You can try and ask her for help, or you can continue thinking you are insane and rot in this place. I’ll give you a hint – the food is horrible.”
* * *
Lazy Afternoon was all out of ideas. He tried everything he could think of – banging his head, whistling, rustling with his shackles, doing all sorts of animal impressions… Discord couldn’t keep a straight face while watching, so he constantly rolled around in mid-air, suggesting more and more bizarre maneuvers that the colt could perform in his current situation.
“No, I am not going to … Urinate! It is just crazy!”
“Crazy is good!” shouted the Spirit, wiping a tear of joy. “And the sound of rippling water might be what you are looking for.”
Lazy sighed, feeling quite hopeless and stupid at the moment.
“We already tried sighing, ten variations of it to be exact. C’mon, what have you got to lose? I know you want to go anyway. I’m in your head, remember? Just do it! Be a colt! Pretend there is a tree in front of you. Sprinkle it, mark your territory! C’mon, go!”
Afternoon was really close to actually committing the condemning act when his brain flared up with a sudden idea. His uncle way back when had this irritating habit of pressing his lips together and then opening them rapidly, making a kind of plucking sound. For some reason it always drove Lazy crazy, especially since the relative used this motion to shrug off comments and questions thrown at him. He was a bum most of the time.
Afternoon closed his eyes and pressed his lips together. They were as dry as desert sand, but he dared not moisten them… With a plucking sound, he opened his mouth.
Discord smiled. An echo of the sound went about the room, something that shouldn’t have happened under normal circumstances.
“Good boy,” smirked Discord, lazily applauding the colt who had no clue what was going on. “She’s here now. Listening. What, you’re nervous now ? Sweaty hooves? Loud heartbeat? I guess she has that effect on stallions. After all, she governs forces that can rip you to shreds on her whim, turn you inside out and make you tap dance in red hot charcoal just for the fun of it… But I assure you, she does that rarely as of late. Although that doesn’t actually help in any way, as she is totally random .”
“What do I do now?!” panicked Lazy, feeling the powerful entity stare at him. There weren’t any physical eyes that did the glaring, but he was sure as hay that he was being focused by something larger than life. At least, his life.
“Think a wish. Say it. Communicate. She is a Lady, for Pete’s sake. Treat her like one, and maybe she’ll be nice enough to grant it to you.”
“But what do I wish for? Uhhmm…”
“A bagpipe!” yelled discord, spawning the instrument and performing a very loud and obnoxious song.
“Shut up!” hissed Lazy.
Something happened. The entity shifted. Lazy felt it – he felt reality move. The room he was in shook, bent slightly and twisted; it was being adjusted to the will of the mighty entity that listened to Lazy Afternoon.
Discord was surprised to find his whole muzzle in the embrace of a giant octopus, which instantly wrapped all its tentacles over his face.
“Mhhmmm!! Nhhot fhhhny!” cried Discord, his voice rendered inaudible by the sea creature on his face. It looked really aggravated – the tentacles were all over the draconequus, grasping his horns, ears and wrapping themselves over his throat.
The sight made Lazy Afternoon smile. It was strange, as he felt another type of happiness alongside his own – was it Lady Chaos that was pleased with her own work as well? The emotion lasted for a brief while before fading away, leaving him alone with the struggling Spirit, who somehow managed to free his face, but not his hands or neck.
“See? Was it that… Hard?!” gasped Discord, finally dislodging the animal from his body and kicking it sky high through the ceiling.
“It wasn’t,” admitted the colt. He was in shock now. “You’re not imaginary. You’re real. And you’re in my head.”
“And the title of Admiral Obvious goes to… Random Obnoxious Pony! Bravo, bravo! Speech, speech, speech!” cheered Discord, sarcasm heavy in his voice.
“So I have some kind of… Power. I can talk to this… To Lady Chaos.” Afternoon was too in awe of his realization to pay attention to the Spirit, who was now performing a one-pony award ceremony. “I can… I can do whatever I want! I’m… Whoa! This power! I like it!” He laughed as hard as he could, mumbling something to himself between fits of giggles. He never felt more surreal than now.
There he was. An ordinary colt, one of millions in Equestria. He, probably the most useless earth pony alive, drew the attention on an entity. Not just an entity. An Entity. A Lady. Lady Chaos. A speck of dust got noticed by the sun, and that tiny fragment of dirt now wields sun’s power.
It was scary. Oh, yes it was. The implications, the burden, the danger. What if the Lady got bored with him? What if she would turn him inside out and let him stay that way until the end of time? Did he need to perform any kind of rituals? Would there be any kind of sacrifices involved for the Chaos God?
Even if, such a meager price for this kind of power? For the unlimited ability to bend the fabric of the world he lives in? He could replace Celestia on her throne, or decide that all the mares should be his. He could shower himself with gold, diamonds and booty till the day he died. And he would not die, he would be immortal! Yes, a God! Even bigger than the regal sisters!
“Hellooooo? Earth to Pony, Earth to Pony, come in Pony! Kssh!”
Discord’s words finally knocked Lazy out of his own little world of black and white. He was still trapped in these damn shackles, still staring at the ceiling. That needed to be dealt with before any kind of sacrifices were made or countries ruled.
“Umm… Discord?”
“Yeeees?”
“How often can I call… Her ?”
“As often as she allows it, of course. She comes when she wants and if she wants. Here is a valuable tip, totally free of charge! If you happen to call her and she does not come, do not try to summon her again. She can get very touchy, like a waiter in one of those fancy restaurants – only instead of spitting in your food or stealing your credit card details, she would probably turn all the food you eat into phlegm or steal your joints so you have to roll around Ponyville like a ball… Actually, do try calling her twice. I dare you. I double dare you, pony!”
“No, thanks… I can call her when I want to, but not more than once at a time. Got it.” And with that, he called for Lady Chaos.
This time the entity showed up with a few second slip – the feeling of her presence was as pressing as the first time. It wasn’t nervous, anticipating or irritated. Just curious, the kind of curious that drives school ponies to perform frog vivisection.
“Try thinking it this time,” whispered Discord and blinked.
Umm…. Yeah, hi. I know I just met you and this is crazy… But I’m trapped here, so free me maybe?
* * *
“She either likes you or feels quite generous today. I’m not sure which, as loving doesn’t stop ponies from hurting, and Chaos doesn’t care much for time. But yes, here we are. The great and mighty Everfree forest. You are learning fast, my dear student. But your abilities are still yet weak, compared to what I could brew up back in the day.”
“Abilities? What? I just ask for stuff and it happens!” cheered Lazy, prancing about.
“It is not so simple, my pupil. You see, Chaos isn’t a tool. She is-”
“A Lady, I know! Get on with it!”
“Oh, why the impatience, my young padawan?” intoned Discord in a sagely voice, sitting in mid-air. “I was just like you back in the day – young, foalish and full of ideas. I wanted to conquer the world, have all the mares and bathe in diamonds…”
“Well, I plan to do so too! So if you’ll excuse me…”
“You’d do well not to ignore the centuries of my experience and wisdom, Pony,” said the Spirit. Something in his voice made Lazy stop for a second and sit on his haunches. The playful manner that Discord always showed went away somewhere, replaced by a serious face and eloquent words.
“Listen carefully. It is true you can ask for anything you want. But here is some food for thought – you meet somepony new. She is friendly and is interested in you. She gives you a small gift or two after you mention liking some sweets or other stuff. Tell me – would you request a yacht of her and expect it by next Tuesday?”
“Of course not. We don’t know each other that well and it’s a pretty expensive gift!”
“Precisely. You don’t want to rush anything or expect the poor girl to give you gifts every time she comes around to see you. Time is needed, some dedication, maybe giving something back in return.”
“A sacrifice?” gasped Lazy, his mind turning blank.
“No, silly! Fun! Chaos appreciates a good laugh or two, and pranking somepony is a really entertaining pastime!”
“But… Will she notice I just pranked someone for her? How would she even do that…”
“That is why you need to learn to call her when you are doing something mischievous. Not necessarily evil, as there is no good or bad from an arbitrary point of view. What matters is making her smile or laugh. She can entertain herself quite well if she wants to – and you want to minimize the amount of times it is done at your expense.”
“… You had to do that?” Lazy furrowed a brow, eyeing the draconequus.
“Of course I did. It took me quite some time to get to where I was just before being encased in stone for a thousand or so years,” smiled Discord.
“So… You mean to tell me I can ask for favors… But if I cross the line, there will be punishment?”
“Oh, don’t think of it as a negative thing. There are no negative or positive sides to Chaos. You need to start thinking like she does. There is only fun and boring. Boring is the lack of fun, so in general we only have a certain amount of fun. You want the fun levels to soar sky high around you!”
“So that is why you were so… You know, back at Ponyville?”
“I was doing it for her, yes! And I had quite some fun myself as well! Oh, causing Twilight Sparkle’s friends to become grumpy and mean ponies was a winner! And that Rarity character! She named a giant boulder Tom, and I swear she was ready to mate with it, so large was the lust in her eyes!”
Lazy smirked, imagining the scene. He didn’t know who this Rarity was, but hay, if that was supposed to be funny…
* * *
“So, what do we do now, Discord?”
“Hehe, a bit lost, aren’t we? Don’t know how to use your powers? Well, you had your share of free advice already; from now on, I’m tagging a price on every word that concerns Chaos and how to deal with her.”
“Wait, what?! Weren’t you supposed to teach me or something?!”
“Oh, so now you want me to teach you ? Well, news flash! I’m a fantastic person, attractive and brilliant! And that is why I don’t sell myself cheap. I will ask you favors and you will do them for me – otherwise, you can try figuring out things on your own. Free tip – skin is good to protect you from dust, rain and wind. Having it inside your body not only sounds awful, but also looks and feels horrible.”
The colt gulped. So what, he was now reduced to some kind of servant to the Spirit? He had god-like powers that had their own whims? He could not have a yacht full of mares because him and Chaos weren’t well acquainted yet?
“This sucks” murmured Lazy.
Two things happened at the same time – Discord burst into a teary laugh and Lazy felt his whole body being sucked into a tree he was leaning on.
“What the buck?!” whined the stallion, feeling the tree slurping him inside its… Mouth?
“This is just too rich! Ahahahaha!!”
“Dis…. What gives?! HELP!” yelled Afternoon, only his face sticking out of the dark tree’s bark.
Fortunately, he stopped sinking. But he could not move. He was too panicked to feel a presence leave his mind.
“What… What’s happening! Get me out of here!”
“I believe I can’t help you much, unless you want advice on how to deal with Chaos. I can strike you a deal – three questions for just two favors! One time offer, no returns! The sale ends in 10 seconds!”
“Wha…? I didn’t even… I don’t even know…!”
“7, 6, 5…”
“DISCORD!”
“3, 2, 1…”
“Okay, okay, I’ll take it, I’ll grant your stupid wishes! Just help me, please!”
“Haha, just in the nick of time! Like that hero, what’s-her-face… Daring Do? Yeah, I think it was her. Or was it Mare-Do-Well?”
“Hello!” shouted the aggravated pony, trying to budge, his whole body trapped in the tree.
“This will haunt me for the rest of the night dammit… Fine, fine, hold your horses! You see, you were introduced to Chaos, si? In a way, you two are friends now – and what do friends do?”
“I haven’t got time for riddles!”
“I don’t think you’re going anywhere at the moment,” giggled Discord. “Actually, you remind me of somepony else. Fluttershy, was it? Oh, she would be so hot for you right now. You’re one hunk of a giant wood . Get it?” The draconequus flipped and begun laughing again, much to the anger of Lazy Afternoon. This was ridiculous.
“You’re so funny, Discord. Now c’mon, tell me what happened!”
“You have to tell me what friends do.”
“I don’t know, spend time together? Do stuff together?”
“Close, very close. What would you do if you had a free Afternoon…” Discord had to fight hard to suppress giggling, continuing after a second, “… And your friend’s house would be nearby?”
“Uh, I’d visit?” guessed the colt, feeling something crawl on his eyebrows. Ants. They were getting all over his face.
“Yes, exactly! You’d drop by and say hello! Well, Chaos can be very friendly! She may drop in and hang out with you from time to time, if she feels like it. It is your job to feel that and entertain her. Let’s call it a free calling. What you just did was make a wish which Chaos gladly granted. I’m actually surprised she was so literal, of all the things.”
“Haha, okay, very funny. Now, how do I- ptff! - get out of this mess?” The ants weren’t pleased with Lazy’s muzzle and were inspecting his nostrils and mouth. He did his best to shoo them away, but it only made them more determined to gain entry to his bodily crevices.
“Well, you can do the obvious and ask the Lady to get you out of there. Or you can stay like that and play with the thousands of friends that are obviously having fun in your nose!”
The colt felt like this would turn out to be a very bothersome gift after all.