Celestia Is Too Old For This S**t

by Lighthawk

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2217

Tempest invades Canterlot, and Celestia just gives up.

When a dark and mysterious warrior pony crashes the Friendship Festival and demands the four alicorn princesses give up their magic to her, Celestia responds in the only way she knows how to anymore.

She does nothing and expects Twilight to fix it all.

Movie Spoilers

Artwork by Underpable

Published 2017-10-11 17:50:06 UTC
Last updated 2017-10-11 17:50:06 UTC

You Can't Thwart Stage One

As she watched the dark, ominously foreboding clouds come rolling in over Canterlot, Princess Celestia found herself being beset with a sense of trepidation. Whatever this interruption to the Friendship Festival was, she knew, deep down, that it was not something that was going to be casually cleaned up and dismissed. No, there was a sense of something terrible about to unfold lingering in the air, and she felt her unease grow into a chill frustration as the airship broke through the outer edge of the storm clouds, everything about it screaming trouble to her experienced eyes. Somepony, or someone, was about to start causing serious problems in her city.

Dammit, I am going to have to do something about this, aren’t I? She thought to herself grumpily. She had to hold in a groaning sigh as she watched the vessel come in to land, carelessly or indifferently taking out several decorative columns in the process and probably putting the monthly budget into the red, giving how many bits she had already let Twilight talk her into spending on this festival of friendship. Yeah, no, that’s fine, I didn’t actually want to take that trip to Pony Rico next week anyway, really…

She watched with the dread sense of someone who really was not in the mood to be bothered as the airship’s landing ramp was lowered, and a short...round...spiky haired...something came walking down, carrying a large box in it stubby arms.

Okay, seriously, what even is that creature supposed to be? Celestia found herself wondering as the oddball being set down and deployed the box, which turned into some kind of voice amplifier device that it used to address the gathered crowd of worried ponies. She found herself cringing inside at the creature’s declaration of representing some king of storms or something like that. Lovely, one more would be tyrant trying to carve a chunk off my nation I suppose, she thought with an internal roll of her eyes.

“And now, to deliver the evil, evil message…” the creature stated, and it was all Celestia could do not to facehoof. That level of unsubtly was just trying way too hard.

That’s it, time to put an end to this nonsense. Her wings snapped out, and the princess was vaguely aware of her sister and Cadance following her as she took to the air. Good, maybe all three of us will make enough of an impression to have them reconsider whatever trouble they’re about to start, she thought, though didn’t really find herself believing it. The trip from the upper balcony of the palace down to the courtyard where things were getting ready to come to a head was a short flight, just long enough for the spokesthing to introduce some military leader whose name she just barely caught.

Celestia came in for a fast landing, dropping down to the front of the gathered crowd with a hard, vertical impact that she knew she was going to be feeling in her knees the next morning.

“Tempest, is it?” she asked impatiently, already knowing she was going to be annoyed by the conversation to come. Everything about this ‘Commander Tempest’ just screamed how dark, mysterious, and edgy she was trying to be, and how seriously everypony was probably supposed to take her. It was seriously tempting to just turn around and let somepony else deal with this nonsense. They get worse every generation. I mean seriously, what is with that mane style? That armor is clearly meant more for show than practicality, and oh look, a broken horn and a facial scar? Surprised she didn’t go ahead and include an eyepatch, maybe a nice, black cloak even? Yeah, that armor is screaming for a cloak to complete the Dark Overlord wannabe look. “How may we help you?”

“Oh I’m so glad you asked that,” Tempest replied, her tone positively dripping with condescending superiority. Sure enough, Celestia found herself immediately annoyed by the conversation as the ‘look at me, I’m such a badass’ unicorn went straight to demanding they just surrender and give up their magic to her.

It was kind of a relief when Twilight butted into the proceedings, and Celestia decided right then and there that this had officially become the youngest princess’s problem. This did not make her as happy as she might have wanted to be however, because it made Celestia realize that this was not going to be something quickly resolved. Call it intuition, or pattern recognition, or even divine inspiration, but at that moment, the solar princess knew with absolute certainty, and unending annoyance, that whatever threat this Tempest represented, it was the type that would require an epic adventure to deal with.

It was tempting to just start throwing as much magic around as she could and hope for the best, especially as her sister basically delivered a ‘You and what army?’ retort to the would be conqueror. Maybe if she caught Tempest, and whatever cruel, mischievous fate that kept dropping these national threats in her lap, off guard with sudden and excessive violence, she might just be able to head the whole thing off. She didn't though, because she knew, could feel it deep down, that it would just be pointless, that a power greater than her own had already dictated what she had just inadvertently agreed with; this was Twilight's problem to overcome.

Also, taking a surreptitious glance around, Celestia couldn’t help but notice that out of the ‘hundreds’ that Luna had mentioned, absolutely none of the them happened to be wearing any gold plated armor. Oh come on, seriously! Not one guard has shown up to check this disturbance out? Stars above, this is going to be the Changeling Invasion all over again, isn’t it? Wait, maybe Cadance and Shining Armor can pull another victory out of their collective... She started to feel hope, ever so briefly, as she realized maybe there was a solution that didn't require Twilight and her friends to do the whole epic quest thing. It was swiftly dashed though as a thought struck her. Wait...have I even seen Shining Armor at all today? Oh Cadance please, tell me you did not leave your husband in the Crystal Empire. Please, please tell me you did not assign one of the best soldiers of his generation to babysitting duty just so you didn’t have to bring Flurry with you…

Right then, so back to this being a Twilight problem. Which meant epic adventure, which meant Celestia was definitely not going to be going to Pony Rico any time soon to enjoy some, currently very much needed, rest and relaxation. No, this was going to be the changelings all over again, though hopefully this time without the whole ‘being encased in goo’ thing. It had taken her weeks to get it all out of her…

Her internal musings about the tenacity of changeling goo to resist shampoo was cut off as Cadance suddenly leapt in front of her, the pink princess’s horn igniting with magic as she tossed up a barrier spell with the kind of speed that only comes with regular practice. Wow, that was fast, Celestia thought as she watched Cadence intercept the glowing green...whatever it was that Tempest had just launched at her. When did Cadance get so quick with the defensive spells...oh, wait...Flurry Heart.

Despite whatever training the little hellspawn had provided for her mother however, Cadance’s attempt to block Tempest’s opening move achieved nothing more than a brief stall. The orb proved rather resistant to the love alicorn’s attempt to halt it, quickly breaking through to strike her in the chest. Dark magic erupted from the shattered orb and swiftly engulfed the world’s premier example of a pretty pink pony princess in cold stone, the surprising suddenness of it actually making Celestia call out her niece's name in shock.

And suddenly, the changeling goo doesn’t seem so bad anymore. Okay, so plan Buck Fate By Incinerating the Obvious Dark Twilight Expy is definitely out. Sure, she could still maybe try to put up a fight, but really, Celestia had learned her lesson about trying to relive her glory days when she had stood up to Chrysalis. She still needed a monthly horn lacquering to hide the little memento that fight had given her.

Celestia’s attention snapped over to Luna, knowing she was going to have to do something to protect her little sister from doing something foolish. The princess of the night hadn’t yet had a chance to properly learn the consequences for getting in the way of fate’s designated hero for these kinds of issues. What to do with her though...oh...oh, I am about to be brilliant. I can send her off to get ‘help’. Yes, but to where...of course, the hippogriffs! They’ve been hiding out underwater for the last few decades, Luna will never find them. And even if she does, well, I love you baby sister, but you have all the diplomatic skill of a yak, you’ll never be able to actually talk them into helping us. It’ll be perfect, sending her on this little quest should definitely keep her busy long enough for Twilight to sort this whole mess out.

As she opened her mouth to call out to Luna, Celestia couldn’t help but feel like she was forgetting about something...something important…

“Luna quick, go south, beyond the badlands. Seek help from the queen of the hippo…” And then it hit her, literally and figuratively, as Tempest’s second shot impact her right in the side. Ooooh, right, Tempest...wow, I just completely stopped paying attention to what that mare was doing for some reason. That was really stupid of me…

“Hah ha ha...easy as pie,” Tempest chuckled gleefully as she waited for the smoke to clear from around the petrified princess. It truth, it had been too easy really. Sure there had been that brief moment of worry when Princess Cadance had intercepted the orb meant for Princess Celestia. Tempest had gone for the eldest alicorn for a reason after all, expecting her to be the biggest threat. However Princess Celestia had just stood there the entire time and done nothing, other than apparently ordering Princess Luna to run away and save herself. There was still no sign of any Equestrian soldiers, the alicorns had barely thrown around any of their considerable magical power, and the crowd of ponies, though numerous, were just a bunch of civilians that even now were fleeing in helpless panic before her storm guard.

Tempest couldn’t help but feel a tiny bit disappointed in how effortless it had all been. The only real challenge in the whole thing had been the hasty, long distance shot she’d needed to pull off in order to hit Princess Luna, and even that hadn’t been all that…

Tempest felt her heart suddenly freeze in her chest as the sudden realization of what she’d almost done came crashing down on her. She had petrified Princess Luna, in midair! If Princess Twilight hadn’t caught the resulting statue, it would have smashed to pieces when it had hit the ground, and the entire purpose for this invasion would have been lost!

The Storm King would have had her head for such a colossal buck up.

“Oh you totally got the last princess,” Grubber stated, snapping Tempest out of her near panic over how freaking lucky she had just gotten. Her eyes fell on the petrified pony, and unlike her idiot companion, she knew at once that it wasn’t Princess Twilight. The party hat was rather an obvious give away.

“That’s not the princess,” Tempest snarled, channeling her disgust at her own careless stupidity into outrage. “Grubber. Get. Her. Now!” she snapped, watching as her words sent him scurrying off to find Princess Twilight before she could escape. Tempest paused a second to really consider the wisdom of sending Grubber of all individuals to try and wrangle an alicorn, even a young one, but ultimately just let the decision stand. It would hardly be the stupidest thing she did that day.

Okay, no more petrification orbs, she decided. As powerful and useful as the weapons were, under the circumstances, Tempest felt it best to order the lot of them to be sealed back in the armory stores and not used again, just to be safe. They probably wouldn't really be needed again anyway. After all, how much trouble could a princess of friendship be?

Author's Note

After watching the movie, I felt compelled to write this as a short little bit of both venting and poking fun at the fact that, once again, Celestia and Luna were in no way allowed to seem like they are capable of doing anything. Celestia and Luna 1000 years ago were allowed to be badasses that took down the likes of Discord and Sombra. Present day though, sure can't risk having them upstage the main characters at all, now can we?

Also, Tempest, seriously? She invades Canterlot to capture the princess because she needs all four of them for her plan to work, and right off the bat she nearly kills Luna by not thinking of the immediate consequences of turning someone to stone in mid flight.