I, The Almighty Author

by Ringtael

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Self Insert, Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle, Applejack
Length: 1680

After teasing and playing pranks on two of Ponyville's most notable residents for weeks, things finally come to a head for the All Powerful Author.

In life, there are many joys and many things that make people smile, but what makes me smile the most is writing. I am the All Powerful Author, and this is a short story.

Published 2017-10-12 01:00:07 UTC
Last updated 2017-10-12 01:00:07 UTC

"Almighty"

I, The All Powerful Author

T’was but a humble weekday in Equestria. The sky was clear, the Sun shined brightly, the clouds floated lazily in the sky, and all around Ponyville there were ponies taking their sweet time with their business. It was a good day to enjoy life at its fullest and everyone in Ponyville was in absolute agreeance. Well, everyone barring the orange and blue duo I may or may not have been tormenting for the past few weeks. Now, I’m just your average fellow, but when I get an opportunity to mess with someone, I’ll happily take it. As Rainbow and Applejack were meandering along some of Ponyville’s side roads, they spoke on a few different subjects, but when Applejack came up with a pertinent question for Rainbow, I just had to have a look and see what was going on.

“I’m tellin’ ya, Rainbow! That voice from the sky is just pickin’ on us because he’s a bully, not because we did anythin’ to him.” Applejack reasoned.

Rainbow rolled eyes, tossing her mane as though she were irritated. “How would we even do anything to a voice in the sky anyway?”

‘In fairness, you’ve both been teasing me with those lovely posteriors for some time’

The pair of tomboys both blushed brightly, shaking their hooves at the sky. “Now you listen here, buster! Our flanks ain’t none of your business!”

‘Aww, isn’t that just adorable! Look how red your face is getting!’

“Go buck yourself, you cotton headed nag! I hope Tartarus is the next place you visit!” Rainbow shouted.

‘Now that’s just not very nice, now is it?’

After drumming my fingers along my keyboard to find some inspiration from a repetitive action, I found a suitable punishment for Rainbow. I decided to wait to enact my vengeance until Rainbow and Applejack got to Rarity’s house for the slumber party that was supposed to be going on later in the night. Pinkie, Fluttershy, and Rarity herself were already there, so the only person they were waiting on was the ever-punctual Twilight. It was odd that she hadn’t arrived yet, and the girls were a little worried when their friend still wasn’t there.

“I don’t know girls,” Fluttershy said in her usual murmur, “but I think we should go and see if Twilight’s okay.”

Rainbow shrugged “She’ll be-” Her eyes widened considerably. “My voice!”

Pinkie Pie took the time to roll on the floor and laugh her tail off at the ridiculousness of Rainbow’s voice. She sounded like a tweenage boy who was nose deep in the throes of puberty. I smile to myself and chuckle as I write, thinking of a suitable pick me up since the girls seemed a little down. Applejack’s flank doubled in size, giving her quite the honkey-tonk badonkadonk… God, I‘m stupid sometimes, but I like it. Whatever.

While Applejack was nearing hysteria at the sudden change in her rear, Rainbow was laughing at her as Pinkie laughed at them both. Fluttershy seemed incredibly confused until Applejack rose up on her back hooves and said, “Alright! Ya done made your point, author guy! Whatever you want to happen is gonna happen and we can’t do nothin’ about it! Is that all ya wanted ta hear or somethin’!?”

It’s not like she could see my raised brow. ‘Hey, don’t blame me. You’re just words on a screen by my perspective.'

“Screen? Ya mean like a screen door?” The orange cowgirl asked.

‘... No. Not like a screen door. I swear, you guys need more technology.’

Pinkie finally stopped laughing as Fluttershy scratched her head. “Is this the voice from the sky you girls were talking about?” The buttery fluttery mare asked.

Rainbow gave her a wry look. “No, it’s Applejack’s dead Dad trying to talk to us from the Great Beyond.” Her eyes filled with tears mere moments after the words left her mouth.

Jaws dropped around the room and Applejack stared at Rainbow, hurt and confused. “R-Rainbow, why would ya say somethin’ like that?”

Rainbow Dash shed the tears that had been building up and they fell like so many drops of rain. “I didn’t want to, AJ! The author guy made me say it!”

‘True. I thought it’d be funny.’

No one bothered to say anything for a few minutes until Pinkie said, “You’re a terrible pony. You know that, right?”

‘If you could see the look on my face right now, you would probably hit me.’ I had a little chuckle there.

Pinkie set her jaw and somehow pushed the fur on her front hooves up to her... Knees? Elbows? Fuck it, I'm not worried about it. It makes no fucking sense to me and I’m supposed to be writing this. “You know what, Mr. Author Guy? I’m coming, and when I get there, I’m going to throw you a party for one, and the theme is going to be pain!”

‘Good luck.’

“Ooh! Girls, I’m sorry I’m gonna miss the slumber party, but I’ve got a wall to break and a glass ceiling to shatter!” Pinkie announced.

‘How the fuck do you even know what a glass ceiling is?’

“Such language! I do believe it’s fitting for a barbarian such as yourself!” Rarity huffed haughtily.

With a roll of my eyes, Rarity’s coat turned poo brown and her mane became a camouflage nightmare, making Fluttershy gasp. “Rarity! You- You- Your mane!”

Rarity’s pupils became pinpricks as she teleported a hand mirror to herself and gazed into the looking glass. She passed out from sheer shock and that brings a little smile to my face. Applejack and Rainbow had their mouths firmly shut, Fluttershy was too scared to speak, Rarity was out cold on the floor, and Pinkie fucking disappeared. I don’t know where she went, and that worries me a little bit, but it’s not like she’s going to hop out of my computer screen or anything.

‘You know what? I’ll have a little mercy on you girls since you’ve made my day. Twilight comes in three. Two. One…’

Applejack and Rainbow Dash stared up at the ceiling while I counted down, and when Twilight walked into the boutique, they were absolutely staggered with my impeccable accuracy. I’ve tried to explain to them that I can make anything happen, but they really just don’t get the point. That’s like, half the reason I’m screwing with them right now. Anyway, Twilight came on in without a care in the world and a wide smile on her face until she saw the size of Applejacks bottom. She stared for a few moments as Applejack slowly became more self-conscious.

“Twi, I’m glad you’re here and all, but can you not stare at it?” Applejack pleaded.

‘Twilight shook her head rapidly and fixed Applejacks fat ass with a spell.’

“... I don’t know many Donkeys.” Applejack said.

‘I put apostrophes on the wrong sentence. Just forget about it.’

Twilight fixed Applejacks butt and looked at Applejack and Rainbow. “So is this the voice from the sky you were telling me about?”

Applejack just sighed and Rainbow nodded. “Yeah, this guy’s a real pain in the flank.” Rainbow’s voiced cracked suddenly, making Twilight cringe.

“What happened to your voice, Rainbow Dash?” The sole conscious Unicorn asked.

“The same thing that happened to my flank.” Applejack muttered bitterly.

“Was it Poison Joke?” Twilight inquired, trying to get to the bottom of things.

‘Nah, I did it. It was funny as fuck.”

Twilight frowned. “That’s not very nice and neither is your choice of diction.”

‘Hey, if you want nice, talk to Fluttershy. If you want me to clean up my language, you can go get fucked by a bull.’

Her frown deepened. “I don’t know who you are, but you should really consider being nicer to ponies. I don’t think Rainbow and Applejack have done anything to you.”

‘Eh. I’ll start passing out compliments if it really means that much to you.’

That brought a small smile to Twilight’s face. “I think it would mean a lot to everypony if you did.”

‘You can’t see me shrugging, but I am. First off, I just wanted to congratulate you on having the finest ‘marehood’ in all of Equestria.’

Rainbow snickered, her voice returning to normal while Twilight, Applejack, and Fluttershy all grew rather rosy around the cheeks. I’m leaving Rarity asleep because every other word out of her mouth annoys me, but that’s not important. What is important is that Twilight tucked her tail between her legs as if she could hide her privates from my view. Not that I’d look because horse poon isn’t my thing, but what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.

“Th-That is so wildly inappropriate!” Twilight cried.

‘If it makes you feel any better, your tits are the second softest out of all of your friends’.’

Rainbow guffawed while Applejack put a hoof around Twilight, warning her not to say anything else until I decided to leave them alone. Fluttershy asked Rainbow to stop laughing at Twilight utter embarrassment, but she went on for a couple more minutes++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

T’was but a humble weekday in Equestria. The sky was clear, the shine shone bright, the clouds floated lazily in the sky, and all around Ponyville there were ponies taking their sweet time with their business. Pinkie Pie, the perfect party pony, was strolling back from dealing with a fellow who had insulted and messed with her friends. She’d done terrible things to him, of course, but he would never speak of what she did, as per her ‘request’. The fellow held much respect for the glorious and honorable Pinkamena now, and after graciously giving all of her friends jewelry and odd futuristic devices, the fellow didn’t bother them again.

All hail She, The Almighty Pinkie.

Author's Note

I pumped this out in about an hour, and I like how it turned out. A nice quick read with a chuckle or two in there. Snickers satisfy, after all.

As Always, Don't Fuck With Pinkie

Stay Cool, Kids.