Trailer Park Ponies

by B_25

Rating: mature
Tags: Random, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy
Length: 1461

Spike becomes best friends with Twilight's friends.

Life in the trailer park is never easy, even if its cheap.

Starlight has taken Twilight hostage with a gun. Spike has to become friends with Twilight's friends in order to break Trixie out of jail. Is there friendship to be found, or just a really drunk writer?

Published 2017-10-13 06:10:12 UTC
Last updated 2017-10-13 06:10:12 UTC

Prologue

~ Prologue ~

“What the fuck are you doing, Starlight!”

More bullets shot out from inside the trailer. Spike ducked over to the wooden staircase leading to the trailer's porch, clutching a filled brown glass in his claw. More shots rang out. Spike ducked lower and swore even lower under his breath.

“S-Stay the frig outside, Spike!” The voice came from inside the trailer; aggressive yet strangely affectionate. “I already have you're girlfriend bleeding in here, and I'm not afraid to do worse to you!”

“Jesus! Alright!” Spike rose up a little, just enough to make eye contact with Starlight through the trailer's window. She looked positively fucked, black bags under her eye along with a shiver that seemed never to cease. “Look, will you just put down the gun? Maybe we can hash something out that works out in the end for both of us.”

“Nothing will be alright!” She aimed the gun the gun at Spike and fired, repeatably. The drake ducked just as the first bullet grazed the top of his head, cowering closer to the porch each time a bullet hit the grass near to him. “They took my beloved Trixie! She gave my life meaning, a reason to wake up and someone to fall asleep with, and they took her away from me. You madethem take her!”

Gunfire rang again. This time into the porch itself. Spike clutched his drink closer to himself.

“How was I supposed to know that the Royal Guard had a base in Ponyville in all places!”

“Exactly!” Shot. “You don't know anything.” Shot. Shot. “Yet you fool everybody into thinking you've got it all planned out.” Shot. Shot. Shot. “Now the love of my life is gone, and so will be yours!”

The gunfire stopped. Spike feared that most of all. He flew out of cover and spread his arms like Jesus Christ, causing Starlight to glance back at him. “Look! I know I screwed up, but how is killing Twilight going to solve this?”

Her head tilted from behind the glass. “You know what, Spike? You're right.” A smile blossomed. “Why should the innocent pay for the sins of the guilty? They did nothing wrong!”

Spike let his arms drop, careful not to spill his drink. “Exactly. So, now that we're being rational—“

Starlight pointed the gun at him once again, and no quick movement would save Spike from meeting demise. “So let us, we who are guilty, spill our blood so innocence may return to those are innocent. Let us pay the ultimatum price to make up for our crimes!”

“Whaaat? No!” Spike rose his arms up again in the similar fashion of Jesus. “Starlight, you're drunk! Don't make life-changing decisions when you're drunk!”

Starlight's gun lowered an inch; her face scrunched up in thought. “Is death even a life to change an event?”

“Of course it is you dumb fuck!” Spike used his free claw to grip his head, both from the stupidity and from the blood loss. Same thing really. “Going from life to no-life is the ultimate life-changing decision. It's the biggest decision you could make!”

Her face scrunched to the level where it might have imploded. “Is that really the biggest decision you could make in life? To Live?”

“Starlight.” Spike held his head even tighter. “I'm not going to discuss philosophywith you when you're drunk.”

“I'm not even that drunk!” She took a swig from a bottle, apparently being in her other hoof the entire time. “This is only my fourth drink.”

“You're so drunk that you don't even realize you're drinking from Trixie's peeing cup!”

Yellow liquid sprewed out from slightly less lavender lips. Starlight coughed, hacked, then looked back to the dragon. “Are you being serious?”

“Of course not!” Spike yelled. “Why would I know where Trixie pees? Just proves how much of a drunk you are right now!”

The gun lifted back to Spike. There was a click. “I've had enough, Spike. I'm going to kill you now to screwing over Trixie, and, in return, Twilight will live. Then I'm going to kill myself, and state in my suicide note I was responsible for it all.”

Starlight fired. The bullet hit the grass an inch left of Spike's foot. She fired again, this time an inch to the right. Then Starlight fired repeatedly and made Spike dance in place. “You stupid gun triggered bitch! Quit firing at me you drunk!”

“For my love!”

“How are you going to feel when your love kills herself?” Finally, the bullets stopped. The only thing was, the last bullet hit Spike where it mattered most. “You crazy fuck!” He fell to the ground, pressing one claw against his crotch, the other trying to keep his glass still so that no more precious liquid would spill.

“Why would my love kill herself?'

Spike only walled in the pain of losing a ball, even when the bullets started firing again, close to his fallen head.

“Why would my Trixie end herself?” She fired dangerously close to his up-held glass.

Spike opened his eyes immediately, making eye contact with the mare behind the window. “C'mon, Starlight, you're a smart pony, right?'

That fact that she had to think on it worried the drake. But she gave a nod nonetheless.

“That means you read Romeo and Juliet, right?” Another nod. Thank God. “Remember how the one was dead, the other killed themselves, even though the other one wasn't really dead? Remember how when the one that wasn't really dead woke up, she found her love had killed himself over her not killing herself, so she kills herself?'

Starlight slowly nodded, her face utterly confused. Spike knew he had her, sprew out complete bullshit, and of the other pony pretends to know what you're talking about, then they have to agree with whatever you say next—or else they become a hypocrite.

“They're going to kill Trixie, right?” Spike slowly began to pick himself off the ground, his mind a haze and the world becoming a blur, though he did his best to survive. “So right now, she's the fake dead, but you're going kill yourself because of that, making you the real dead. When she finds that you're real dead because of her fake dead, she's going to kill herself, becoming the real dead.”

Starlight lowered the gun an inch everything she processed a segment of his thought, ultimately coming to lower the weapon as she attained nirvana. “So, what you're saying, is that if I kill myself, we'll end up just like Remo and Juliet?”

Spike finally stood on his two feet. “Yes!”

“So that means our deaths will be as famous and as tragic as them then!” Starlight raised the gun and reloaded the clip, her trembling hooves impeding the process. “Our love will be remembered through time itself!”

“What the fuck, no!” A few more seconds and the bullets would rain again. Once again, no quick movements would save Spike; only a quick tongue would. “Listen, Shakespeare was a fucking terrible writer! You write an even better story drunk!”

The clip dropped to the floor. Tears burned in the corner's of Starlight's eyes, as she looked back to Spike. “Do you...do you really believe that?”

It was then that the adrenaline stopped pumping in Spike's veins as an influx of pain circulated his system. Mainly from his nuts. “Oh fuck!” He blinked, suppressing his pitch to hide away his pain. “Of course I fucking do! You're the best at crafting a real-life love story! Shakespeare died a virgin.”

Finally, Starlight put down the gun. Knowing she could not take proper aim through the veil of tears. “Okay Spike, here's the deal. You clean up your mess and get Trixie back into my arms, or Twilight Sparkle dies with me!”

“You shot me in the nuts you fuck!” Spike cried out, retreating a few steps back. “How am I supposed to get anything done while battling the thought that I'll never pass down my awesomeness to the next generation.”

“Tough shit.” Starlight closed the blinds and walked away. “Get your stupid ass friends to help you.”

“Twilight's friends aren't really my friends!”

“That's your problem you anti-social prick.” Cabinets squeaked open as the clink of chains was heard. “Meanwhile, Twilight and I have bottle number twenty-five to crack open and to share.”

Spike turned around from the trailer, and with a deep breath, began to limp to the other half of the trailer park. Not before mutter something under his breath, of course. “How about you crack your own neck you stupid fuck.”

And that's how the story began. This is how Spike learned about true friendship, and how Twilight's friends became his friends as well.