A Comedy in Three Lessons

by Knowledge

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Comedy, Changelings, Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 2581

A pony learns some very important life lessons while risking his life doing some very everyday things like returning a book and going on a date.

A pony learns some very important life lessons while risking his life doing some very everyday things like returning a book and going on a date.

Author Note: I designed the story in order to teach a writer for whom I edit that you don't need to use the character's name all the time. The main character does have a name; it just doesn't matter for this story. The allusion to Dante's Divine Comedy is intentional.

Published 2017-10-14 05:10:07 UTC
Last updated 2017-10-14 05:10:07 UTC

Tartarus

The doorknob felt cold against my hoof as I swallowed my fear. I thought I could make out "Abandon hope all ye who enter here" carved into live oak door frame with what must have been a rather sharp quill or somepony's horn. If I didn't have to go to Las Pegasus to send a package later today, I would have put off coming to this place. Opening the door to Golden Oaks Library, the manic glare of the librarian, who moonlighted as a national leader, greeted me.

I would had fainted from sheer fright if not for the sudden jolt of being telekinetically dragged inside. The lavender librarian dumped me in front of a bin. I took a moment to regain my bearings. I noticed how impeccably clean and organized everything was...almost disturbingly so. There was a antiseptic smell filling the supernaturally still air similar to that of a hospital, which did not belong in an old tree house.

In the far side of the room at a writing deck sat what looked like a small purple and green drake. I say drake because he didn't have any wings as dragons do. The petite draconid gave me a worried glance before writing something down on a scroll.

A loud 'Ahem' from the purple pony reminded me of my purpose of entering this damned repository of unicorn arcana in the first place. Lifting the flap of my saddle bags, I fetched the heavy burden from my pack and placed it softly and squarely into the bin. I turned around and trotted back to the door. I avoided eye contact with the messy-maned she-demon by staring at the floor. Nine growth rings formed nine concentric circles in this hell for the kin of ken. I could see from my peripheral vision a green flash of flame from the drake. Did that guy just burn the letter he had written? I dared not entertain my curiosity further less the Beast entertain hers on me.

After what felt like hours (time-space had been clearly altered by some prior inharmonious magic), I exited that damnable den of ken. As I closed the oak door, I heard a loud pop and got a glimpse of a large alabaster flank. With the door closed and that Tartarus resealed, I took a deep breath and swore:

"I am never ever going to have an overdue book again."

Purgatory

I spunned around a comical number of times before falling on my muzzle.

“Did anypony get the license plate on that rainbow?” my addled brain managed to sputter. Either nopony heard me or cared because nopony responded to my near fatal accident. One could safely assume the latter as the daredevil’s antics had long ago become part of the background of the small pony village. Or should I say the foreground as everypony else fell into the background?

After I recovered, I sighed. This day would definitely try my patience, for the Las Pegasus Head Post Office lay ahead of me. As an earth pony, I didn’t have easy access to the cloud city. Luckily, I believed I had a secret superpower.

“I wish I had a flying machine,” I said in a conspicuous and loud manner while my eyes were closed. Like always, the ponies of the village just ignored my display of supernatural might. One Canterlot, two Canterlot, three Canterlot…

I turned around dramatically, catching a pink blur for a moment. Lo and behold, there was a bicycle that had been altered with propellers, wings, and helium balloon in order to fly. It had definitely not been there before. My superpower could make anything I wish appear as long as I said my wish out loud, closed my eyes, and counted to three. As I approached the contraption, I swore I could hear some obnoxious giggling and see a bit of a pink mane inside a bush. I paid it no mind, being happy that my superpower worked so wonderfully.

The flying contraption took a lot of work just to get off the ground, but soon I found myself making decent speed towards the city of the pegasi with my mail in my saddlebags.

By the time I arrived at the Equestrian post office, it was noon. I couldn’t stand on any of the clouds, but there was a wooden dock in front of the government building. A few parking spots remained as several other ponies had had the same idea as I and brought a flying machine. I struggled to get off my flying contraption as equal and opposite forces caused it to move as I did. Fortunately, the pegasi had put all these posts for us non-fliers to use in order to keep balance. I reduced the helium in my machine so it wouldn’t float higher without my weight after I was securely on the dock.

Satisfied with my adjustment, I entered the post office and a pink plot welcomed me. For the third time that day, I sighed. The line was literally to the door.

It didn’t help that the pony in front of me had a small foal whose emotions fluctuated from cute oogoo's to loud wha's in a matter of seconds. The mother, to her credit at least, looked embarrassed for the first thirty minutes we waited in line but inevitably gave up. There is a point in every parent’s life when they just go to a far away place while a foal cries in their hooves. This pink pony with a blue heart cutie mark had finally found that place. Unfortunately for me, I hadn’t.

Between tears of unreasonableness, the mare and I had a conversation to pass the time. She told me how her life had been planned for her. When the time had come, the princess had married her off to her most loyal guard and then sent her to some foreign kingdom that had reappeared. The princess’s protege staged a coup and put her in charge of this new kingdom, effectively making it and her a puppet of Equestria. Since they still didn’t have a functional postal service that went to the rest of Equestria, she had to fly all the way to Las Pegasus to do her own mail. She would have sent a servant, but she was looking for any excuse to get out of the dead former king’s castle. Nopony could blame her, and I sure couldn’t. Life is tough for princesses too, it seems.

I shared my story. It wasn’t as remarkable, but she seemed very interested in it anyways. I explained that I had recently sent a letter to my secret love, but the local mailmare had dropped it on a dressmaker's doorstep. In other words, my letter didn't reach Appleloosa, where my love lived, much less leave Ponyville. The recipient had gotten all dolled up for ‘our date’ in a fancy Canterlot restaurant only to be told that it was all an accident. Her mascara had ran down her face as she detailed how I was a ‘monster’ for ‘playing’ with her feelings like this. The poor mare had a lot of bad luck in love and thought I was just another stallion taking advantage of her. It didn't help that I had told her that I didn't find her attractive.

I sighed again at the memory. Lessons learned: 1) Don’t send a letter without the actual name of the recipient, 2) don’t use local postal service for important mail. 3) and never tell somepony they are not attractive.Not wanting to have a repeat of last time, I decided to go all the way to the main postal office in Las Pegasus.

After I told my story, the pink mare started to ask me all about my real love. Her foal began to cry due to her lack of attention for better or worse. Probably worse, that kid has pipes.

Despite rumors to the contrary, it didn’t take us forever to reach the counter. I gave my package to the monotone and mechanically polite employee and promptly left.

Outside my flying machine had drifted away during the trial that is a line in a government building. Not thinking, I walked off the dock and made a few steps to my vehicle before a rainbow passed by me again and almost made me trip. Another pink mare, an earth pony, appeared in a hot air balloon with a sign that said: “Whatever you do, Don’t Look Down!” I almost did that when she took out another sign which said: “Don’t question it!”

Not question it I did. It was like my special talent. I touched my cart when the speeding rainbow knocked me off my feet. I swear if that was a pony, he should be sent to Tartarus for criminal recklessness and endangerment of ponies. For the second time that day, I tripped. My vision turned downwards as I did so. Whatever magic holding me in the air (another superpower perhaps?) wore off, and I began to plummet.

Clinging to the flying machine for dear life, my almost hopeless body dangled at a lethal height above Equestria's soil. My parents always warned me that the sky was any place for an earth pony. I didn't listen! The pink pony with a puffy mane was too far away to help and the rainbow contrail seemed oblivious to the havoc it caused in its wake. The adrenaline high gave me the strength to pull myself fully onto seat of the flying machine.

At this point, I had descended several meters due my added weight. I threw off some ballast (my saddlebags and a few decorative items that adorned the aircraft). Despite my efforts, I hadn’t gotten enough off before needing to take control and prevent a complete catastrophe. My very sudden and very photogenic crash (on hay, upside down) made it to the papers the next day. I later discovered that the whole cloud walking incident and the rampaging rainbow were all part of some elaborate prank designed to punish me for upsetting their friend.

After the day, I swore: “I will never forget to tie my aircraft to a post after leaving it.”

Celestia

Today was the date. I got my mane all done up with gel and combed for once. I looked like a total pretender, and I wanted my date to see the real me. I just didn’t have time anymore. The Summer Sun Celebration starts at the crack of dawn, and I wanted to arrive early.

My date had sent me a response to my letter and chocolate sweets a few weeks ago. He said he missed my sweet love and would meet me where we first met. Last night, I had booked a hotel. I hadn’t seen the black stallion of my dreams yet, so he might have gone to a different hotel or something.

The royal gardens were resplendent as always. I arrived early so that my date wouldn’t have to wait on me. I savored the rare crisp air that would soon fall to sweltering humidity once the Princess raised the sun.

“Oi, guess who?”

An assailant covered my eyes, blinding me. Apparently, somepony had the same idea as me. He was always a sneaky one. I couldn’t count on one hoof the number of times he disappeared and reappeared out of thin air while we had our first couple of dates two years ago.

“Honeybunch!”

“You know that isn’t the name I gave you, but what is in a name, amirite?”

His hooves slid down my face and onto my shoulders so he could give me a hug. My love for him radiated off me and made him hug me all the harder.

I missed the dark equine. I peered into his brown eyes as I had done so many times before. I could be blinded by the depth and sincerity I saw in them. They seemed to flash green for a moment, but I figured it was just a refraction of the light on the green plants. That doesn’t make complete sense because there is so little light before dawn.

We got to our spot in the garden. My date had thoughtfully brought a mat for us to sit on so we wouldn’t get wet in the morning dew. I chastised myself for not being equally thoughtful, but the ebony pony reminded me that my love was more than enough for him.

Dozens of couples and families surrounded us. All of us waited for the sun to magically rise to mark the longest day of the year. During that time, I reminisced about how I met my love.

We had met in the royal gardens, trying to hide from a spirit of chaos. I found him immediately found him attractive. He picked up on it immediately and surprisingly welcomed me. We went on several dates. I fell quickly in love the stallion. It wasn’t until the changelings attack the capital that we got separated.

An announcement came from the Royal Guard telling us that the Princess would be late. (We learned later that another Princess in Ponyville was still recovering from her 'little' episode last week, and the solar diarch needed to make multiple visits to her in order to keep everypony safe.) Since we still had plenty of time, I suggested we share our stories about what happened to us after the attack. He suggested that I go first. I obliged him.

So after I couldn’t find him anymore, I had packed up my things and moved to what was supposed to be a peaceful country town. Instead it was full of crazy wannabe heroines who seemed to inspire trouble wherever they went. One even almost killed me in a prank. I was so happy when I got a letter from my love that I woke up the neighbor’s twin kids. Skipping the whole mailing incident, I was back in Canterlot for our loving reunion.

I had laughed at the end of my story but regretted that when I heard his. He and a lot of his family had gotten hurt during the attack. Many of them had lost everything they had built up in Canterlot and had to wander the countryside for scraps. When he told me that some of his family had starved to death, I could hardly believe it. Catastrophes happen all the time in Equestria. Whole towns have turned into trees for example. However, I had never heard of ponies just plain starving to death in modern Equestria. I felt deeply scandalized. He continued to tell me that, once he had his family settled again, he sent me a letter, hoping that I would still love him.

“I still love you, my silly stallion,” I declared after wiping some tears from eyes.

“I know that more than you can even imagine.”

His eyes flashed green again. He should probably get that checked by a physician. It could be some weird disease.

Before I could say anything, he hushed me. Everypony was ready for the sun rise, and rise it did. It was glorious. I don’t think I had ever seen anything so bright before. I was so happy to see it with my love at the time.

A few days later, my favorite stallion was helping me up the steps and into his house. I swore silently to myself.

“I will never stare directly into the sun.”