Pinkie Pie's Coke Dealer Gets Stiffed

by Super Trampoline

Rating: teen
Tags: Pinkie Pie, Tragedy, Random, Griffons, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other
Length: 1506

Pinkie's Cocaine dealer is an anthropomorphic cat named Thrilla Vanilla. Things don't go too well for him. A cursory discussion of Equestrian drug culture and policy also occurs. And also interspecies breeding.

Pinkie's Cocaine dealer is an anthropomorphic cat named Thrilla Vanilla. Things don't go too well for him. A cursory discussion of Equestrian drug culture and policy also occurs, and also a really unfunny chapter desecrating Skywriter's character Auric. Sorry Skywriter; you didn't deserve this. Go read Skywriter's stories; they're much much better than this.

Another Dumbshotober Story. Rated Teen for drug use and abuse of the Equish language.

Published 2017-10-14 08:20:06 UTC
Last updated 2017-10-14 08:20:06 UTC

The Real Prologue, Detailing Pinkie Pie's Cocaine Usage

In the magical land of Equestria, one could go to jail for snorting cocaine. However, unlike the United States of America, supposed bastion of freedom and enlightened thinking, you could get a permit that let you snort cocaine, and then you wouldn't go to jail as long as you snorted it responsibly, even if you were a poor zebra living in the bottom tier of Canterlot. Okay, with that hamfisted (Where does that term even come from?) social commentary out of the way, let us begin to delve into this tragic tale of petrification.

Even though drugs were legal and highly regulated in Equestria, most ponies didn't particularly want to deal with them, given their already idyllic saccharine-coated egalitarian balanced socially active lives. It's almost as if when you build up a society rooted in economic justice, availability, and stability for all, social ills tend to largely disappear. Oops I said I wouldn't insert anymore leftist propaganda. My B, fam.

Anyway, most ponies would never touch cocaine.

Most ponies weren't Pinkie Pie.

Pinkie Pie didn't just snort cocaine, she enveloped cocaine. Nay, she became cocaine, so enmeshed in her life and body it was. Not since Snowdrop had a pony loved cocaine so fucking much. You know how Pinkie would dump flour on herself to cheer up the Cake twins? That wasn't flour. That was cocaine. Why do you think Sugar Cube Corner was so popular? It wasn't her perky ~~breasts~~ service and average prices. It was that their shit was addictive as fuck. Okay, so maybe drug culture and consumption in Equestria isn't quite as wholesome and simple as a I first painted it to be. My bad again.

Look, the point is, Pinkie was a fucking cokehead. I'm not being disparaging; her head was literally about 37% cocaine at any one time.

And she had to get that coke from somewhere, right?

Author's Note

Look, there are a TON of great Pinkie Pie Cocaine pictures and it was really hard to choose just a couple, so check out the rest here: https://derpibooru.org/search?q=pinkie+pie%2C+cocaine&sf=score

Pinkie's Feline Dealer, Thrilla Vanilla

Pinkie's Coke dealer was a cat named Thrilla Vanilla. Like an actual anthropomorphic cat. You know, like Capper in the movie. Go see the movie if you haven't yet--support the hard working content creators! If Equestria has Diamond Dogs, surely they must have... fuck I don't know, some clever name for cats.

Anyway, Thrilla had a Kludgetown connect (bitch I'm dropping movie references whether you like it or not! No spoilers though.) who got him the good shit straight from South Amareica. Get it? aMAREica? God this is the laziest fucking ponification ever. Anyway, Thrilla hauled whole bricks of the stuff up to Ponyville on the regular, twice a week. Like we're talking probably a good twenty kilos switching paws/hooves every Tuesday and Saturday. No pony knew how Pinkie could afford it, but they suspected resale and her cut of Sugarcube's profits and her royal stipend had something to do with it. It was a fucking lot of cocaine. Like Archer: Vice levels.

Remember Archer Vice?

Anyway, one day our cool cat Thrilla was hauling his load through, uh--glances at a map of Equestria the Macintosh Hills (Remember those hills? From the OG Friendship is Magic Comic arc, issues #1-4. Damn, nostalgia all over this bitch.), when a cockatiel appeared. And not just any Cockatiel. This was an evil Cockatiel that turned ponies to stone!

Now at this point youz probably thinking "This Super Tramp fella is hella wack. What's a frickity frollicking fucking flying feathered cockatiel doin' stompin' around the obscure AF Macintosh Hills, turn all y'alls bitches to stone? Every fucker with a lick of sense knows it ain't no fuckin' cockatiel motherfucker who gonna drop ya homies like that. Hella wack. HELLA. WACK.

Look at that mofo. Look at that cocky mofo. He may be a baaaaaad bird, but he gonna up and turn y'alls homies to stone? I don't fucking think so. But this ain't no fucking ordinary cockatiel, I tell you HWAT!

Author's Note

Well fuck, they're actually called the Appaloosan Mountains here and Macintosh Hills on the official show map.
My Regretti, Never Forgetti.

With Actually Sincere Apologies to Skywriter

Author's Note

THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR THE CADANCE OF CLOUDSDALE SERIES

Context: Skywriter is my favorite writer on this site. He has a ton of amazing stories, but his best series is the Cadance of Cloudsdale cycle, about Cadance's misadventures before the show. Seriously, His grasp of the craft of writing, from his untouchable vocabulary to his deft and masterful plot design and use of foreshadowing and symbolism, is a beauty to behold. Go read his stuff, because I'm about to massacre it here.

Also he cowrites an amazing webcomic called Skinhorse.

With Actually Sincere Apologies to Skywriter

So, once upon a time, Discord was causing a heckin big kerfuffle all over Equestria, really fucking everybody's shit up with his chaos magic. And there was this one griffin named Auric, who'd had enough of Discord's bullshit, and really let him have it verbally. Well Discord, thankfully, has never really been one for killing creatures, so he turned Auric into his immortal servant sidekick. He made him his bitch. I don't remember the exact details; it's been a while. But the point is, Discord then got stoned himself by those pesky elements of harmony, leaving Auric an immortal catbird with nothing to do. He got all angsty and shit, but eventually found purpose through Seriously, go read "The First Time You See Her". It's far better than this dreck..

Right so, there's this immortal gryphon. And when you're immortal, you try a lotta freaky shit, like flagpole sitting and bloodplay. But that wasn't Auric's scene. No, he had other ideas. Like making sweet sweet half-bird love to cockatrices.

Auric fucked a cockatrice.

Now, I'm going to go ahead and assume it was a sapient cockatrice that was able to give consent. Jack Harkness test, and all that. Don't fuck non-sapient creatures, kids. That's a big no-no.

So yeah, this half-lion-half-eagle did the horizontal somba with a half-dragon-half-chicken. And you know what? The cockatrice got pregnant.

Now, this was pretty soon after Discord's reign, so there was still a lot of residual wonky magic gunking up everybody's biz. So the cockatrice got pregnant. And laid an egg.

And as it turns out, the bird parts of these creatures were the parts that genetically were happening. Or something. So when that egg hatched, a beautiful baby cockatiel emerged. From his mother, he got the "cock" in his name and the ability to turn ponies (and cats) to stone by making eye contact with them. From his Father, he got immortality. From both, he got birdness. So there you have it. That's why there's a cockatiel in this story that can turn ponies to stone. And is immortal apparently.

The Tragic and Underwhelming End

While Thrilla Vanilla was passing through the Macintosh Hills, this itinerant cockatiel turned him to stone, and Pinkie soon ran out of cocaine.

Author's Note

The End

The Prologue That Isn't Supposed to Be Here

"Oh Goody! Another story featuring everpony's favorite ineffable effervescent extraordinary pony, me, Pinkie Pie!"

Pinkie, the story hasn't even started yet.

"Oopsy! Sorry about that! I just got sooooo excited, that..."

Pinkie...

"Heh. Right."

What's a Cockatiel Doing Turning Ponies To Stone?

Okay, So

What's a cockatiel doing turning ponies into stone? Ain't that, you know, the cockatrice's domain? What's this cocky fucker doing edging into his half-dragon, half-cock(the rooster, not the vulgar term for penis.)'s territory? We gonna get some turf warfare soon?

Nah nah nah, chill. It ain't like that.

See, you ever wonder where Cockatrice's come from? If I told you they came from a small dragon fucking a chicken during the age of Discord would you believe me? No? Well, tough titties. That's my explanation, and I'm sticking to it.

Anyway, we all know what happens when a cockatrice gets you in a staring contest. You get stoned.

Remember Keg Standard and Phantom Horn? Two Best Brothers Bitch About Ponies? They were like DWK before DWK. And wasn't Drowning in Horseshoes before them? Fuck, I'm not that plugged into the circle-jerk that is the analysis community.

So yeah, you look at a cocktrice and it looks at you and yous gonna be in a bad place hella soon. One of my first stories was about that. Maybe I'll finish it someday.

But that's a cockatrice. Not a cockatiel. So what batponyshit crazy explanation am I going to pull out of my ass?

Okay, get comfy children. Cause this explanation is going to get exceptionally stupid. With all apologies to Skywriter. God I'm so sorry dude.

This cockatiel was the immortal spawn of a cockatrice and a griffin named Auric.

Dun

Dun

Dun!