Rainbow Dash rolled over in her bed as she woke up. She sat up, bleary eyed, before yawning and stretching. Her ears twitched, and she heard a soft pof pof pof from downstairs. Somepony was knocking on her door. She sat there, a look of confusion on her muzzle. Who would be at her door at- she looked at her alarm clock- 11:55 in the morning. Dash sighed.
“Only four hours?” She groaned, “Stupid Everfree and its stupid wild storms.” It looked like she would have to fit a few power naps somewhere in her schedule today. That would eat up a lot of her practice time.
The soft knocking downstairs continued. Rainbow Dash scowled as she got out of bed. “Whoever it is, it had better be important.”
She left her room and began walking downstairs toward the door. She passed by various posters and figurines that she had decorating her house. As she continued her sleep-addled warpath, she cast a glance at a recent addition to her decorations as she passed it. A finely crafted suit of plate armor, complete with a sword hanging on the wall beside it. She didn’t give it much thought as she kept on marching.
When she got to the door, she threw it open and in a low voice, growled “What?”
She was met with a pair of crooked yellow eyes. “Hello, Rainbow Dash!” The blond-maned pegasus didn’t seem at all bothered by the hostile pony in front of her.
Rainbow Dash let her hostile stance drop. “Oh,” she sighed, “Hi, Derpy.” She couldn’t stay mad at her. Nopony could. “What are you doing here?”
Derpy smiled a sincere smile. “Delivering your mail.” She said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.
Dash sighed. She was too tired for this. “I mean why are you knocking on my door? You’re supposed to put any letters in my mailbox, that’s what it’s for.” She looked past Derpy at her mailbox. It already had a few letters in it.
Derpy kept smiling. “I know that, silly. Your friend asked me to deliver this one to you personally.”
Dash quirked an eyebrow. “Really?” She tried to think about which one of her friends would send her a letter like this. If she needed to talk to her, Fluttershy would just fly over. Same with Twilight, either that or she would teleport. Applejack had a voice that could wake the dead if she wanted your attention. And Pinkie… well, she was Pinkie. She’d find a way. Maybe Rarity, but she’d probably just grab one of the oth-
“Yeah, he said he had something to talk to you about. Seemed pretty urgent.”
Dash rolled her eyes. This was getting nowhere. If it were urgent, Fluttershy and Twilight would fly ov- wait…
He?
Rainbow Dash’s brow furrowed in thought. Who was sending this letter? Thunderlane? No, shouldn’t be. She had already told him that she wasn’t interested in dating right now. Too much going on in her life. As much as she’d like to think it was from Soarin, they weren’t exactly close enough for personal letters. Probably. Maybe it was Spike? No, he had his own way of delivering mail. Or did that only work with the princesses? Dash really didn’t kno-
“Anyway, here’s your letter.” Rainbow Dash snapped back into focus, and took the letter from Derpy. “Well, I’ve got to get back to my route.” She took off, waving behind her as she flew away. “Bye, Rainbow Dash!” She turned around in time to catch a face full of cloud.
Rainbow Dash laughed silently as Derpy flew off, before looking down at the letter. Now she could stand there a bit longer, and try to puzzle out who it was from…
Nah.
Dash ripped open the letter and began reading. As she read, her brow furrowed deeper and deeper. By the end of the letter she was scowling.
“Oh,
“Him.”
Rainbow Dash touched down on the cobblestone road not too far from the blacksmith shop, before trotting towards it. She growled to herself. She had tried going back to sleep, but sleep eluded her. And even if she had fallen asleep, he probably would have just kept pestering her.
As she approached the shop, she heard things clattering around inside. A voice drifted outside. “Trust me, this is going to be awesome.” Dash rolled her eyes as she walked up to the door. “Shut up! I know what I’m doing.” Shaking her head, she pushed open the door, and walked inside.
It was a mess.
Various items lay strewn about, stacked in precarious piles and toppled heaps. Boxes were scattered around, filled with even more scraps. She couldn’t see most of the walls, as they had been covered by hooks and hangers, which held tools, parts, and other things. She heard clanging and muttering, and looked up past the clutter. She saw him, the blacksmith, moving around, checking drawers and shelves.
The human, Parody.
Dash rolled her eyes and shook her head slightly. It seemed Parody was wearing what he wore almost every single day. A black shirt, black pants, and that ridiculous two-toned blue cape that flittered in his constant movement, obscuring the image of a rubber duck that she knew was on it.
“Do you remember where I put the magnesium?”
“What?” Dash asked, snapping back to attention. “What are you talking about?”
Parody turned to point at her. “Not you.” He said, before turning back to continue looking through the shelves.
Dash had just enough time to glance at the rest of the empty room before Parody whirled around to face her.
“Oh, Rainbow Dash,” His long brown hair was parted to reveal his face, which held a look of playful surprise. Now that he was facing her, she could see the silly cartoon face printed on his shirt. “You’re here early.” He smirked, his blue eyes filled with mirth and levity. “With the way you sleep, I didn’t expect to see you for another three hours.” Rainbow’s face dropped into a scowl. Parody held his hands up in a gesture between surrendering and shrugging. “You’ll have to forgive me if I’m not exactly ready. I have couple of things I need to finish preparing. On that note,” his face turned to one of slight frustration as he turned back around, “where did I put that stupid magnesium?!”
She watched him search around for about half a minute, trying to figure out what was going on. “So is this manganese-“
“Magnesium.”
“Right, that’s what I said.” She shot him a glare. “Anyway, is this stuff what you were so eager to show me that you had to wake me up?”
Parody held up one of his hands and shook it in a so-so manner. “Eh, kinda. It’s part of a second project, actually. But all things considered, I’ll probably show it to you at some point today.”
He kept searching for a moment before pausing. He stood up straight. When he didn’t move, Dash decided to jump in with a question. “Alright, so if this isn’t why you invited me over, then why did you ask-“
He held up a hand. “Shh shh sh, hang on.”
Dash started to get frustrated. “Seriously, why am I here?!”
“No, hang on. Shut up,” he then turned around and pointed at her, “both of you.”
Dash blinked in confusion as a look of concentration formed on Parody’s face.
“Did… did I leave it in the workshop?” He looked over at the door to his workshop. “I think I did. Hang on.” He walked over to the door, grabbing a couple things off a table on the way, and entered the workshop.
Dash heard the clanking of metal on metal as Parody rummaged around in the other room.
“Hey, Dash!”
“What?”
“You’ll never believe this! The metal I was looking for?! It was stored in the same room as where I store all my other metals!”
Rainbow Dash face-hoofed. “Really?!”
“Yeah!”
“You’re an idiot!”
He laughed from the other room. “It’s one of my more endearing qualities!”
Dash sighed, hoof returning to the ground.
“Anyway, this’ll take a couple minutes!” Parody shouted through the door. “I’ve already prepped the potassium nitrate, I just need to carefully add the magnesium! Just find something interesting to keep yourself entertained.”
Dash stared at the door for a moment, before shaking her head and turning to examine the rest of the room. There were pieces parts of different incomplete or abandoned projects, and scrapped ideas.
Dash was looking at a complex metal box with cylinders extending out of it when a flash of light erupted from the cracks around the workshop door, accompanied by a loud BANG. There was a shout and muffled cursing from inside the room. After about a minute, the door opened, and Parody stumbled back into the main room. His face was contorted into a grimace, eyes blinking rapidly. His left hand was up by his head, finger twisting in his ear. In his right hand he held a metal tube that had several holes in it.
“Gah,” Dash looked up at Parody, who was staring at nothing in particular. “That’s fine. Didn’t want the second one anyway.” He said in a loud voice.
Rainbow Dash gave him a funny look. “What was that?”
Parody didn’t respond. He walked over to the table and set the tube on it, before sitting down and massaging his ears with his hands.
“Hey! Parody!” Dash started shouting. “What happened?!”
Parody still didn’t respond. Instead he started slowly looking around the room, his eyes (still blinking) never focusing on one thing.
Dash got up next to him and shouted, “Hey!”
He turned to look in her direction. He squinted his eyes at her, before opening them with a hint of realization. He help up a hand in a placating gesture, before rubbing his eyes and ears. He shook his head, before looking at her properly. “What?”
“What was that?”
He shook his head and gestured at his ear. “Ears ringing, can’t hear you. Speak up.”
She got close and shouted, “What was that!?”
Parody leaned back and laughed. “That? That, dear Rainbow Dash, is what happens when you mix magnesium and potassium nitrate.”
“…Yeah, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Still ringing.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about!”
He held up a hand. “Doesn’t matter.” He stood up. “Look, I’m gonna go upstairs and grab a washcloth. It’s the last thing I need before we can head out. Just hang here a minute.” He walked over to the staircase and began climbing it. “Hopefully by the time I come back down I’ll be able to see colors properly. Right now, all I see is green.” His voice faded as he reached the top and walked out of sight.
Dash stood there a moment, watching the staircase, before shaking her head and returning her attention to the metal box she was looking at before, trying to discern its intended purpose.
“Alright, I got the washclo-augh!” Dash turned around in time to watch Parody tumble down the staircase. At the bottom he managed to roll into a standing position. He stood there a moment, blinking, before turning to look at Dash. “… I meant to do that.” She shot him a disbelieving look. Parody ignored it and turned to look back up the stairs, and then looked around at the mess of a room. “I should probably clean up at some point.”
Rainbow Dash looked around the room. “Yeah, your house makes me feel like Rarity in comparison.”
“I dunno, her workshop gets pretty messy when she’s focused on a project.”
Dash looked at him. “Yeah, but unlike you, she actually cleans up.”
Parody gave a slight tilt of his head. “Point.” He paused a moment. “Alright, let’s go.” He walked over to the table and grabbed the metal tube. Stuffing both that and the washcloth somewhere behind his cape, he made his way past Rainbow Dash and out the door.
Dash watched him pass, before silently following behind him. Somehow she knew this was going to be a long day.
“Man, this is going to be great.” Parody said. He had been talking for a while, but Rainbow Dash wasn’t really paying attention. The few times she had actually hung out with Parody had taught her that he had a habit of talking nonsense, so she figured he probably wasn’t saying anything useful.
They were walking down the streets of Ponyville, seemingly with no destination in mind, because Parody kept making odd turns. The weather was beautiful today, thanks in no small part to Dash’s efforts that morning. The sun was shining; a gentle breeze flowed, just enough to cool you off slightly on a hot day; and there were a couple clouds lazily drifting along the sky, ready to offer shade to those who needed it. Or a place to nap. They did look really comfy. Dash yawned, and her eyes began to feel droopy. She wondered if Parody would notice if she just silently took off and made for one of those clouds.
“You know, Dash, this was really popular back in the day.”
Hearing her name snapped her back to reality. “What?”
“Oh yeah,” Parody leaned back, placed his hands on the back of his head, and looked up, reminiscing about the past as they continued to walk forward. “Back in elementary school, that was the thing. If you could sneak up behind your friend… it was basically how you said hello.”
“Okay…” Dash trailed off. So far, her attempts to get him to tell her what he was planning were unsuccessful. Maybe he was finally going to tell her?
“Man, I miss the old days.”
Nope. No luck.
Parody sighed. “It was different back then. More fun, more carefree.” He tilted his head to look at Dash. “But, hey, that’s why I’m bringing ‘em back.” He dropped his hands to his sides as they kept walking. “I wonder… Should I make a headband?” He rubbed his chin, before shaking his head. “Nah, probably not. At least not now. It’d take too much time, and I’m a little low on resources.” His face dropped into a neutral expression. “Too many frivolous projects.”
Rainbow Dash had a feeling she knew where this was going. She scowled at him. “Look, if this is about the armor, I alrea-” A hand was clamped over her mouth.
“Nope nope nope nope, not talking about this today.” Parody gave her a stern look. “I want to have a good day.” He let go of her muzzle and turned to look forward. “Besides, you aren’t the only one to come to me with useless projects.”
“I told you, I-” She stopped as Parody turned and leaned into her face.
“We’re not. Talking. About it.” He pulled back. “Not today.”
Dash frowned and looked away from him. “…You brought it up.” He said nothing.
They walked in silence for a couple minutes. Rainbow Dash wasn’t sure if this was better. Sure, Parody wasn’t rambling on about nonsense now, but the silence was getting a bit awkward. She kept shooting glances at him, and he never looked her way. Only straight forward with a neutral expression.
Dash started looking around for any potential conversation topics. Anything to get rid of the silence and put some expression on his face. She didn’t know why, but it was just… uncomfortable seeing someone go this long with no discernable emotions. It reminded her of Pinkie’s sister, Maud. She shivered a little bit as she kept looking around.
A sparkle of light drew her attention to something that she had noticed in the past, but had never really asked about: the ring on the middle finger of Parody’s left hand.
“Hey, what’s with the ring?”
“Hmm?” It was like a light switch. Parody turned to face her with a look of slight surprise, before looking down at his hand. “Oh, this?” He held up his hand for her to see. “This is the Rending Gale Ring.”
Rainbow Dash looked at it. She could understand the name; the shape and pattern of the metal reminded her of swirling wind. There was a deep blue sapphire embedded in the middle of it, with inscriptions on the metal surrounding the gemstone.
“Eh, it’s kinda cool.” Dash said passively. “How long did it take to make?”
Parody laughed. “As much as I’d love to take credit for this little masterpiece, I’m not the one who made it.”
“Okay, who did?”
Parody shrugged. “No idea. I got this thing forever ago, and even then it was ancient.” Held his hand level with his head and gazed at the ring. “The knowledge of how to make these things died a long time ago.”
“…Can’t you just make more?” Rainbow Dash shot him a puzzled look. “The design is cool and all, but it’s not that complex.”
Parody gave her a small smile. “If only it were that easy.”
“…Isn’t it?”
Parody didn’t answer.
“…There’s something about that ring, isn’t there?”
Silence.
“What’s so special about-”
“No time!” Parody whirled around. “We’re here.” He took a sharp turn, and stalked into Ponyville market.
Dash could only look in annoyance and disbelief. “The market?! We’ve been walking around the outskirts of the market for ten minutes!”
Parody turned back and gave her a wide smile. “Oh, I know. I was just waiting for someone to show up.” He pointed to the purple alicorn on the other side of the market place. “Our first victim.”
“Victim?”
“Don’t worry about it.”
“No, I’m going to worry about it. What are you going to do to my friend?”
He stopped. “Look, don’t worry; it’s non-lethal.”
Dash gave him a narrow look. “That wasn’t my concern, and the fact that that was your first response only raises more questions.”
Parody smirked. “Trust me, it’ll be funny. Think of it like a prank.”
“I don’t know.”
Parody rolled his eyes. “You worry too much. Look, my friends and I did this all the time when we were little kids. It’s fine.”
Dash was still unsure. “…Alright.” She glared at him. “But if you try anything funny, I’m going to pound you into next week.”
Parody smirked and quirked an eyebrow. He folded his arms across his chest. “Well, that kind of defeats the purpose, doesn’t it? This is supposed to be funny.”
“Not what I meant.”
Parody threw his head back and laughed. “I know, I know.” He turned back to face his target. He then reached up and pulled the hood on his cape over his head, before crouching low. He slowly started to move forward.
Rainbow Dash gave him a funny look. “What are you doing?”
“I’m concealing my face and trying to blend in.”
“You’re the only human here, everypony knows it’s you.”
“Don’t ruin my fun!”
Dash shook her head and muttered, “You’re crazy.”
Parody scoffed. “Sounds like someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed.”
Dash stomped her hoof. “That’s because of YOU!” She pointed at him. “You and your stupid letter. I could be sleeping right now.” She stopped and groaned a bit. “I need to be sleeping right now, I have to deal with the weather later.”
Parody shook his head. “Look, do you have any idea what it took to get you that letter? I had to write a letter to myself, deliver that to the post office, wait for Derpy to show up at my house to deliver the letter back to me, and then give her the letter for you.”
Rainbow Dash gave Parody a confused look. “Why didn’t you just give the letter for me to the post office?”
“Ah, see,” Parody stopped and gave her an extremely wide smile, “because that would have been the smart thing to do.”
Dash just stared at him.
Eventually he turned away. “Anyway, wait here.” He slowly crept forward until he was behind Twilight, who was in front of a market stall, talking to the pony running it. Both had yet to notice him. He clasped both his hands together, sticking the first two fingers on each hand out. He gave Rainbow Dash a wicked smirk, before crouching low. After a short pause, he screamed “A THOUSAND YEARS OF DEATH!” and thrust his hands into Twilight’s flank.
Immediately, Twilight screamed and jumped into the air. When she hit the ground, she whirled around, face flushed, staring at Parody in disbelief and horror. Her wings were flared, horn alight, and her tail was tucked firmly between her legs. Her mouth opened and closed, but she could only sputter.
“Aw! Augh! Uhgh!” Parody, however, had recoiled backwards, frantically shaking his hands, staring at his now brown flecked fingers. The sounds he uttered matched the look of disgust on his face.
Dash’s breath hitched in her throat as she tried desperately to not break out laughing.
“Bleugh! Eegh! Ackh!”
Twilight shook her head, and stopped sputtering. Her hair was frazzled, which matched her expression quite nicely. “Did you just stick your fingers up my BUTT?!”
“Neugh! Bleck!”
Rainbow Dash collapsed to the ground, laughing, no longer able to hold it in anymore.
“Rainbow Dash!” Twilight shouted, “It’s not funny!”
“Urk! Augh!”
She just laughed even harder.
“Erk! Aiegh!”
“Rainbow Dash!”
“Ah! Ugh, do you even wipe?!”
“Wha-” Twilight turned back to face Parody, face flushed even more. “I- ah- bu- ca- Of course I wipe!”
Parody’s face pulled into a grimace, eyes bouncing between his fingers and Twilight. “… I don’t know if I believe you.”
Twilight’s eye twitched, and her hair twinged. “I don’t just ball toilet paper up and shove it up my butt!”
“Well you should.”
“WHY?!”
Parody gestured with his hands. “So that this doesn’t happen, it’s gross.”
Twilight’s face contorted. “That wouldn’t happen if you didn’t shove your fingers up my butt!”
“Look, that’s not the point of this discussion.”
“Yes! Yes it is!”
Rainbow Dash started laughing even harder, drowning out their argument.
Eventually her laughing slowed enough to try to catch her breath. In between her heaves and gasps for air, she noticed something. She wasn’t the only one laughing. Dash looked over to the side, the tears in her eyes blurring her vision, at Parody, who at some point had started laughing alongside her.
He noticed her look and grinned. “It is pretty funny, isn’t it?”
Rainbow Dash started laughing again. “Yeah it is!”
“No it isn’t!” Twilight shouted.
Dash just laughed even harder. She was laughing so hard she barely heard Parody mumble, “Well, they’re already dirty…”
After a couple minutes, Dash slowed her laughing, and eventually stopped. She got up. Wiping a tear from her face, she looked over to Parody.
He wasn’t there.
In confusion, Dash looked to Twilight, who was glaring at her for some reason. No, wait, she was glaring behind her. Why would she-
“A THOUSAND YEARS OF DEATH!”
Dash’s flank erupted into pain. With a yelp, she leaped into the air, before stabilizing herself with her wings. She turned around to look at Parody, who was on his back howling with laughter. She didn’t know what to feel. Her brain was playing slots with her emotions, and it wasn’t getting any matches.
Parody looked up at her, pausing his laughter. “Oh man, you should see the look on your face! Priceless!” He flopped back down and continued laughing.
Rainbow Dash’s face flushed with anger and embarrassment as she realized he wasn’t the only one laughing. Much of the crowd surrounding them had broken into giggles.
Parody’s laughter began to die as he slowly got to his feet. He gave her a wicked smirk. “You have to admit, that was a perfect set up.” He wiped a tear away from his eye, before recoiling away from his still dirty fingers. He reached behind his cape and pulled out his washcloth and began cleaning his hands. “Even though it could use some modification, I’m glad I’m bringing this back.” He wiped off his eye, before returning the washcloth behind his cape. He looked back at Dash. “We should do this again sometime.”
Rainbow Dash’s brain made up its mind on what to feel.
Anger.
With a roar of rage, Dash dive bombed him. Parody twisted and arced his back, narrowly dodging the attack. She hit the ground and immediately whirled around to face him. He stuck out his tongue and gave her a mock salute, before turning around and booking it.
She screamed and flew forward in an attempt to tackle him. He threw himself to the ground in time to avoid her, before rolling to his feet and continuing to run, laughing all the way. With a cry of rage, she blitzed him from a different direction. It didn’t matter. He juked to the side, again avoiding her attack, before darting off in a random direction.
This pattern continued halfway across Ponyville, with each miss only making Rainbow Dash angrier and angrier. She grew more rash with her attacks, more aggressive, but Parody always avoided them, never stopping his laughter.
Eventually Rainbow Dash got fed up with the chase and flew directly up. Miles up in the sky she looked down to spot her target. When she saw him, she made a beeline for him, picking up speed. Getting faster and faster until…
A wave of colored light erupted and spread across the sky, accompanied by a loud BOOM as Rainbow Dash broke the sound barrier.
Parody noticed the expanding wave of color. His eyes widened in realization. He dove to the side.
He wasn’t quite fast enough.
Catching a glancing blow to his shoulder, Parody was sent flipping through the air, before crashing down hard some 100ft down the street.
Rainbow Dash didn’t fare much better.
Not quite prepared for the glancing blow, she was knocked off course. She spiraled until she hit the ground, where she was sent into a tumble as her inertia kept her going forward. She didn’t stop until she slammed into the side of a building.
Shaking her head, Rainbow Dash staggered to her hooves. She was battered, bruised, and roughed up, but was otherwise fine. She stomped over to where Parody was slowly and dizzily getting to his feet. When she deemed herself too close to dodge she stopped. She glared at him, scowling. “Well?” she demanded, “Got anything to say?”
Parody stood up straight and gave her a wicked smirk. “A question, actually.” He reached behind his cape. Dash heard a metallic clink. “Do you know what happens when you mix magnesium and potassium nitrate?” He held out the metal tube from before, only… part of it was missing.
He grinned savagely and dropped the tube, before clapping his hands over his ears, slamming his eyes shut, and turning away.
Dash’s eyes widened in realization.
Her mistake.
The world went white.
Dash felt herself collapse to the ground. She let out a scream. At least, she thought she did. All she could hear was the ringing in her ears. She rolled around on the ground, ears folded, hooves rubbing at her eyes, trying to bring her vision back.
After what felt like forever, color started fading back in. Her vision was blotted with spots of light and after-images, and the colors were all wrong, but it was coming back. Dash rolled over, and dizzily staggered to her hooves. The ringing began to fade, and she started to swivel her ears around to draw in sounds and get a grasp of what was around her. As her vision cleared, she looked around and saw that the other ponies on the street were in various states of flicking their ears and rubbing their eyes.
Rainbow Dash’s brow furrowed as she frowned. She wasn’t going to let him get away with this. She took to the skies above Ponyville and started to fly around, intent on finding Parody. He was the only human around; it couldn’t be that hard.
The sun set over the horizon as Rainbow Dash touched down at her house. She had been searching all over Ponyville all day, and still hadn’t found him. It seemed he was as elusive as he was crazy.
She yawned, tired, before sighing. Not only had she not found him, but she hadn’t gotten any naps in and she was running on fumes. To top it all off, she had shown up late to weather work, which meant she had a longer shift tonight. At this point she would be lucky if she got two hours of sleep.
She yawned again as she slowly trod up the stairs to her room, too tired to even spare a glance at any of the decorations she had set up. She stumbled into her room. Sunlight was streaming in through her window onto the wall across from her bed. And boy did her bed look comfy.
She flopped onto her bed, limbs splayed. She didn’t bother getting under the covers, she just closed her eyes and waited to drift off into Luna’s realm.
Her ear flicked as she heard something.
Rainbow Dash opened her eyes and looked up at the wall in front of her. There was a little bit of light sparkling on the otherwise dark wall. Her tired mind tried to figure out where it was coming from. It was almost like light was reflecting off something metal behind her-
“A THOUSAND YEARS OF DEATH!”
Author's Note
Well, there it is. My first piece of fanfiction (that got to see the light of day).
Pity it had to be such a silly and stupid idea.
I had fun writing it, and hopefully it doesn't give off a bad first impression.
So long as I can stay off my lazy bum, this shouldn't be the only one I do. I'm trying to get a feel for writing before I move on to some other projects I have planned out. So please, give me some feedback, constructive criticism, that sort of stuff. I'm using this as a learning experience so I promise not to take any of it too badly.
I'll only cry for five minutes instead of ten.
