Retirement is Just Another Word For Promotion In the Secret Service

by Philosophysics

Rating: teen
Tags: Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Prince Blueblood, Sex, Derpy Hooves, Slice of Life
Length: 1957

Have you ever wondered what happens to Agents when they retire? They go to Ponyville. The craziest village in Equestria. Not much of a retirement from Adventure as they would have you believe. Then again... Skills never fade.

Ponyville.

The town closest to the Everfree Forest, ie the Forest full of dangerous creatures that can kill you, destroyed on a near weekly basis by various monsters and disasters, about an hour long trip from the gates of Tartarus, home to the Castle of Friendship, and most importantly, the retirement home for Equestria's Secret Service for near millenia.

Odd place for a retirement home, eh? Except for the small, little unknown fact that it also doubles as the prime recruiting ground for most of Equestria's secret Top Service agents.

Coincidence? Well, the former Director of the ESS is about to find out for himself.

Published 2017-10-16 06:30:06 UTC
Last updated 2017-10-16 06:30:06 UTC

Chapter One: In Which A Discussion Is Held over Tea And Muffins

Early in the morning, a white unicorn got off the station along with several others. The pegasi had started off the day with a light drizzle, the sort that would freckle your fur and dry just as quickly.

He carried nothing on him, save the clothes that he wore, a simple tuxedo and a blue bowtie. Even though he was one of the few ponies dressed so fancily, nopony gave him much attention despite his face being on several tabloids in the news stand. Such privacy suited him just fine, however and he joined the crowd of ponies merging together in a somewhat orderly line to exit the station.

Exiting the station, the unicorn slipped off the from the flood of ponies to stand near the forbidding forest. The pitter patter of droplets resounded, giving a steady ambience to the wrongness of the forest.

Adjusting his bowtie, he reached into his breast pocket and tossed something into the forest, whispering,”Search for tracks. Return once you’ve found the location of the target.”

The leaves rustled as something unseen darted through.

Turning back, the unicorn returned to the beaten path, heading to the town of Ponyville. He sighed. He always did hate returning to his hometown.

Ditzy Doo flapped her wings, giving her an extra burst of speed as she flew home after dropping her daughter off at school.

A gray pegasus with strabismus, one would have thought it would be difficult for her to live a normal life. Which is true. Ditzy was renowned as the town klutz, breaking fragile things and bumbling into things all the time. Normalcy was never going to be part of her life with her lack of depth perception.

What is not true is that she couldn’t have a happy one. Husband to one of the town’s foremost inventors and daughter to a clever unicorn filly, she had friends and family to help her in life. She even had a steady job in postal service.

Swooping down to her front porch, she shook herself lightly to get rid of the light rain on her fur before turning the knob softly.

Strange. The welcome mat was off kiltered. Ditzy Doo softened her footsteps, wings in a ready position. Staying close to the walls as she walked down the hallway, Ditzy Doo looked nothing like the klutzy mare she was renowned as and moved like a soldier. Turning her head around the corner, shutting one eye to account for her strabismus, she checked her living room.

The white unicorn, sitting at the coffee table and facing forward,sighed and raised a steaming teapot and a basket of muffins in an opaque aura, never looking back.

She hummed a soft tune, one high note, two low notes, finishing in a rising trail. The unicorn responded with one low note, two high notes, finishing in a lowering trail.

Smiling happily, she ran in and jumped over the unicorn and crashed into a random pile of pillows. Never one to let a little crash faze her, she jumped up and snapped into a jaunty salute,”Salutations, Director!”

Rolling his eyes, the unicorn adjusted his blue bowtie and pushed the basket of muffins over with a hoof, saying,”It’s actually just plain Agent now I dumped that position on somepony more deserving of it. How’s your daughter, by the way?”

Grabbing a muffin, Ditzy Doo nommed it, ears perking up with delight when she found that it was poppy. Chewing thoughtfully, she replied, remarkably clearly for a mouth full of food,”She’s doing fine. A bit antsy after the recent invasion, but that’s to be expected, isn’t it? What are you doing here, Blues?”

“Can’t I just come meet a friend?” the unicorn sighed theatrically,” Why so suspicious, Bubbles?”

“We went through the Caves together,” the mare replied, still smiling. However, a tenseness in her shoulders betrayed her suspicions,”Paranoia was the least of the traits we picked up there.”

“We are remarkably well adjusted for having done that, aren’t we?” the white unicorn sipped his tea, grabbing a scone from the plate.

“I am,” Ditzy said, glaring judgingly at her friend,” I don’t know about somepony who dares to eat dry and disgusting scones when there are nice, moist muffins.”

Closing his eyes as if in pain, Blues groaned out,”Are you just trying to get me angry? I thought we went over this! Use somebody! Somebody. It’s more inclusive and less offensive to everybody involved.”

“You’re a pony, I’m a pony,” Ditzy Doo pointed to each appropriate subject before throwing her hooves up in the air,”Does it matter?”

“Habits breed! And are difficult to kill! Don’t feed the beast, damn it! Don’t feed it!”

“I’ll feed whatever beasts I damn well please!”

“Like Milky? Because I still have her.,” Blues slammed his hooves down on the table,”Do you want me to bring Milky? I can bring Milky if you want to feed a beast you took in and left me to deal with!”

Silence fell. The unicorn sighed, looking away. “Sorry. I went too far.”

Ditzy Doo nibbled on the muffin before asking softly,”How is she?”

She sighed. Her old… friend, friend was the closest term to the bond she had with the stallion, was never good at expressing himself, always hiding his anger behind other lesser angers and bringing up old pains. The trick to dealing with Blues was to let him slip up and reveal what he really was angry about.

“Doing well. She’s off tracking a target right now.”

“Ah.” Ditzy Doo nodded appreciatively.

“I’m not telling you about it, so give up on waiting.” Ditzy flicked an ear irritably. Stupid Blues, always being secretive aand stuff.

Another silence fell again, this one lighter than the previous one. Upon finishing her muffin, Ditzy Doo asked,”Why are you here, Blues?”

“Officially, I’m here to tell you about the awards ceremony to take place a week from now,” Blues answered, levitating a letter bearing the royal seal of the Celestial Diarchy,” and to give you this letter, inviting you as a guest of honor for your actions in the defense of Equestria.”

Taking it, the grey mare read it over, remarking coolly,”Unofficially?”

“Unofficially,” Blues gritted his teeth,”I’m here to remind you that you are retired and unnecessary to the defense of Equestria.”

Strabismus makes it difficult to roll the eyes. Ditzy Doo somehow did that anyways, scoffing,”Oh please. If I didn’t jump in, Twilight Sparkle would have been frozen.”

“We had the fastest pegasus in Equestria! You weren’t needed.” the unicorn replied heatedly, pouring himself a new cup of tea aggressively.

“And what if she had more of those petrification bombs?” Ditzy Doo rebuked,”Tempest Shadow already showed she wasn’t above using lethal force!”

“She needed the alicorns alive and intact.”

“Freezing Princess Luna in midair sure doesn’t seem like intact to me.”

“She’s immortal!” the unicorn exploded,”You’re not!”

“Well, I did it. It’s done. Gone. Dead.,” Ditzy Doo grabbed another muffin and swallowed it in one bite. Coughing slightly, she forced out,”This is what you really wanted to talk about, isn’t it?”

The unicorn glared silently, fuming visibly.

Sighing, Ditzy grabbed her first cup of tea with her wingtips and drank it. Placing the empty cup down neatly, she shook her head,”I can take care of myself, Blues. Being retired doesn’t mean I can’t defend Equestria when she needs us to.”

Grabbing a muffin, Ditzy settled down and waited for her former partner to burst. Blues always kept his anger locked away, always letting it out in one go. The only thing to do was whether the storm.

“You’re retired.” Blues said, having taken three sips to calm himself. Three sips meant that he was tense and somewhat pissed, but nothing too bad.

Ditzy Doo nodded, idly chewing her muffin and humouring her old colleague. She felt a bit calmer now that she knew what Blues was really worried about. Actually, it was kind of adorable how worried he was about her recent petrification.

“That means you are a civilian.”

Ditzy chewed some more, debating internally whether or not to drink some more tea. She idly wondered if Blues forgot the old saying about how retirement is just another form of promotion in the… business.

“You do not need to put yourself in danger to protect others. There is a reason we have the Royal Guard and failing that, the Bearers of Harmony.”

Nodding along, thata final bit bounced around in her head. Bearers of Harmony… Bearers of- Wait, what? Ditzy Doo spit out the muffin she was chewing and gaped. “Wha?”

Was he saying what she tho-

“Yes. You heard me,” Blues hissed,”I’m telling you that between yourself and the bearers, I want you to protect yourself. The Bearers can take care of themselves.”

It was safe to say she had not been expecting Blues to tell her the equivalent of leaving the Bearers in danger.

“What? Are you telling me to just let them die?”

Rolling his eyes, Blues scoffed,”Obviously not, but if it’s a situation like last time, you turn the other way.”

“What happens if I’m the only one who can do anything!? Like last time!?”

“Then let them! They’ll learn!” Blues slammed the table, leaning forward,”They are the Bearers of Harmony. Their job is to defend Equestria. We are simply there as a safety net. We do not defend them. We defend Equestria. And there isn’t even a we! You are retired! And a civilian!”

“They’re children!” Ditzy Doo replied heatedly, pressing her face against her former boss’s,”Granted, they’ve saved the world multiple times, but they’re children! Young and inexperienced. Somebody needs to look out for them. And defending them is the same as Equestria!”

“They are legal adults, each with a steady job,” Blues rolled his eyes,”One of them even tried hitting on me. Hell fucking bells, that was an awkward situation.”

“You and I both know ponies age differently than most species,” Ditzy narrowed her eye into a glare, cursing her strabismus as one eye inevitably targeted the muffin basket,”They are physically adults, but they’re still immature. We have to protect them.”

“Yes and they’ll grow into it,” Blues waved his hoof airily,”They’re young and adaptable. And protection? I don’t want to hear about protection from a mare who freaking leapt into yet another damn bomb!”

“Oh! We’re bringing up bombs now, Mr. Block Knives With Hooves Not Shields?”

Silence fell upon them a third time as memories were forced onto each of them. Ditzy Doo cursed her impulsive tongue, but kept her glare up. She had to pound this foolish idea out of Blue’s head. He could not simply push aside his, no their mission this easily. Protecting Equestria meant protecting the protectors, be it the Bearers of Harmony or themselves.

Ditzy Doo narrowed his eyes as a sudden, worrisome thought popped in. Was Blues being… that kind of stupid again?

Before she could voice her concerns, Blues picked up the pot with his aura and walked into the kitchen, saying,”I’m reheating the tea. You should go to work, you’re going to be late.”

Checking the clock, Ditzy cursed and grabbed her uniform from the hanger. Running to the door, she opened it, pausing only to shout,”I’m going to work. Stay here! We are not done talking about this… this… whatever this thing is, but it’s something we’re going to talk about!. Food’s in the cupboard, TV remote’s in the basket next to the TV! Do not touch the game systems! And by Faust, stay here!”

Having said that, she flew out the door, rushing to the postal office.

Blues immediately turned off the stove and left through the window.