Help Me, Doctor Dick!

by RockstarRaccoon

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Profanity, Random, Crossover, Drama, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character, Sex
Length: 6584

He's the physician Equestria needs... Intense medical drama. With lots of sex jokes and shockingly accurate medicine. Ok, it's just sex jokes. I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE FOR ART!!

[ Demented Sex Comedy / Medical Drama / Crackfic ]
Nopony knows where he comes from, nor how he does what he does, but if there's one thing that everypony knows about him, it's this...

His name... is Dick.
...And he's... A DOCTOR!

In this bold, imaginative medical drama, a pony named Dick, who also has an amazing dick, becomes the medical genius Equestria needs!

A Doctor Dick in Equestria story, set in Freleania's Dildoverse.

Contains: Dicks, Melodrama, Dicks, Made Up Illnesses, Dicks, Bad Word Play, Dicks, Wildly Inappropriate Behavior that Nopony Questions, and very little actual sex being had despite the fact that the main character has literally the best dick in the world.

Doctor Dick is (probably) copyrighted to E-Rotic.
Doctor Lolipop is (once again, probably) copyright Frederator Studios.

I will not apologize for art.

Published 2017-10-17 02:10:06 UTC
Last updated 2017-12-06 22:14:25 UTC

Chapter 1 - C'mon please help me Doctor Dick!

The emergency room was in a flurry: there had been a terrible, party-related accident, involving a unicycle, a geiger-counter, and a trombone. New patients were flooding in with all sorts of boo boos and ouchies, and nurses were stretched thin giving out band-aids and kisses. One young stallion, however, was in need of much, much more. His ouchie was far greater than a mere boo boo, he was unconscious on a stretcher, a real medical emergency! A nurse in pink scrubs labored over the stretcher that had been laid on the gurney, frantically checking his vitals.

A pink coated unicorn stallion with a white mane, tail, and snout cantered in, "Nurse Cutty, what do we have here?"

"Doctor Lolipop!" she said as she hoofed him the chart, "It looks like the patient exploded... And then exploded again!"

"Extreme Awesomeness Overload." the doctor said gravely, looking up from the chart, "I've seen it... far too many times."

"What are we gonna do doctor! What are we gonna dooo!!" another nurse flailed his forelegs in the air all dramatic like.

"There's only one thing we can do. We have to prep him for... Emergency Surgery!" he declared, pumping a hoof in the air.

The male nurse gasped in horror, eyes going wide in shock, while the other ponies around him did their actual jobs.

In a rush, the gurney was wheeled into the Operating Room, and the surgeons scrubbed up in their cute little smocks and booties, but what they were about to do was anything but cute, in fact, this was going to be a rather gruesome surgery indeed...

"I need two hundred ccs of chocolate milk, stat!" Doctor Lolipop barked, and quickly, a nurse handed him a little glass of chocolate milk, which he threw back and gulped down. "Mmm. Extra chocolatey." he said dryly, before turning back to the patient, scalpel in hoof as he delicately pulled open the flesh covering his bloated belly, so full of Everything Nice that sprinkles and confetti were pouring out onto the table. It was all the panicky nurse could do not to vomit at the sight of such gore. "We need to drain this... Nurse, suction!" A nurse pulled out a giant swizzle-straw and stuck it in the patient's open gut, letting it drain the stuffing all the way down to the cotton candy. It was then that the doctor saw the true nature of the case. "Sweet Celestia," he uttered, "His entire organ system has been... bedazzled!" he reached in with a gloved hoof, pulling out one of the patient's kidneys, which was indeed sparkling like a disco-ball.

"Doctor... What happened to his liver?" one of the nurses asked, pointing to what looked like a piece of homemade rock candy.

"...It's been completely saturated in Sugar... It can't filter out anything else, and now his Spice is overloading the other organs!"

As if on cue, the patient's mouth opened, and he let out a sassy little coo, which smelled like nutmeg and paprika.

"Quick! Get the die-alysis machine in here before he die-alyses of sassiness!" shouted nurse Badpun as the patient burped something that smelled of sassparilla. The nurses converged, hooking up the dialysis machine to his major arteries and routing blood flow through it. the machine began working overtime...

"Doctor, it's not working: his vitals are getting more erratic!" nurse Melodrama, who had turned the confetti into a colorful necklace shouted, pointing at the monitor, where that little line was doing some sort of conga, and began doing his own little dance, jumping back and forth on his hind-hooves.

"...There's not much we can do for him..." the doctor said, "It's out of our hooves..."

Solemnly, he looked down at the patient's clipboard. 19 years old. Barely a stallion. Far too young to go, especially like this... He took a deep breath, the air saturated with the scent of cloves and cillantro. Not another one...

Suddenly, the doors slammed open. "I can save this patient!" announced a suave voice, causing all ponies present to look up in Shock. A Striking Blue stallion with a Slick Black mane Strode confidently in to the OR.

"Whaaaa? Who are you? How did you get in here?" Dr Lolipop asked.

"Who I am is not important doctor, the important thing is that you have to let me operate!"

"Doctor, we are losing him!" nurse Melodrama shouted, flailing his hooves in the air again.

"How do we know we can trust you? You don't work here! You aren't even wearing a labcoat! Do you even have a medical license?"

In response, the stallion simply reared up, whipping IT out, and slamming IT down on the table. In case you didn't guess, by "it", I mean his dick. He whipped out his dick and slammed it on the table.

All of them, both Male and Mare, Marveled at the Massive Meaty Member which had been Slammed down against the Sterile Steel Side of the Stretcher they'd Sat on the operating table, the Scalpels, Sutures, and Surgical tools they'd Strewn about on the table Shuddering at the Sudden Spasm. SSSSSSSSSSS!

Weighing in at a striking foot and a half in length, this masterwork dick was . Every vein, wrinkle, and cranny was in just the right spot, a magnificent blend of symmetry and asymmetry. It's shaft curved ever so slightly on its way upward towards its flared, slightly conical point, which seemed poised for optimal penetration. It was, by all measurements objective and subjective...

The
Perfect
Dick

The medical ponies could only look on with wide eyes at the pony who'd just whipped his dick out in the middle of an operating room.

"Well then," Doctor Lolipop said, "I think we've seen enough."

Around the room, he was joined by a series of stern nods.

The Doctor raised his hoof, and held forward a scalpel, "Welcome to the team, Doctor...?"

"Dick. Just Dick." he said, throwing his mane back, taking the scalpel in his hoof, and getting to the good work... Saving a life.

Chapter 2 - My Fever's Rising, please come quick!

Author's Note

In lieu of writing more Displaced Into Nothing, I wrote more bullshit instead.

Chapter 2 - My Fever's Rising, please come quick!

"Amazing..." one of the nurses said as they walked out of the surgical ward.

"Astounding..." another one said.

"Who would've thought that you could replace a patient's liver with a baked potato?"

The young pony who'd been brought in had survived one of the most severe cases of Extreme Awesomeness Overload the hospital of ever seen, and was now recovering in his room, the baked potato's magical properties filtering out the dangerous levels of Radicalness that had been coursing through his veins. The stallion who'd walked into the OR had saved a life that day.

Also he had an amazing cock.

At that moment, said stallion was walking through the hallways with the esteemed head surgeon, Doctor Lolipop.

“You did good, Dick. I dare say this is one of the most impressive cases we've seen in this hospital.”

“Why, thank you,” Doctor Dick responded, “I do try my... hardest.” He bobbed his eyebrows.

Doctor Lolipop gave a little chuckle, reaching out and opening the door to a fancy looking office, which had a wide window overlooking the Manehattan skyline. He stepped inside, taking a lolipop from a large jar and opening his mouth, reaching out with his tongue to wrap it around the bulk of it, before taking it into his mouth and sucking, working his lips around it like a pro. “Mmf,” he said, opening a closet and rummaging for a moment. He slipped the sucker out of his mouth, running his tongue over his upper lip to savor the flavor, reaching out and handing a semen-colored coat to Doctor Dick. “Here's your Labcoat, Doctor Dick. Welcome to the team.”

“Why thank you, Doctor Lolipop, I look forward to working with you in the future.” Doctor Dick said with a smirk.

"We don't have any offices available at the moment, but I'm sure we could find something..."

"No need," Dick raised a hoof, "A broom closet will do just fine."

"A broom closet?"

"How do you think I'll be spending most of my down time?" Dick gestured to his crotch.

Doctor Lolipop drew a blank for a moment, then nodded, "Good Point."

There was a knock at the door. Short, clipped, as if that of a serious pony. Clearly the knock of an antagonist to a serious story such as this one.

“Come in!” Doctor Lolipop called.

The handle turned, and a wiry looking pony wearing a lab-coat and a short-cropped mane and tail sauntered in.

“Doctor Lolipop.” he said in a gravely tenor.

“Doctor Geld. What can I do for you?”

“I'd heard you were considering adding a new surgeon to the staff. Some pony who wandered into the O.R.?” He narrowed his eyes a little at Doctor Dick.

“Yes. Doctor Dick here is an amazing surgeon. I just hired him.”

“Right... So... Where did he get his Doctorate?”

“I don’t have one. College was never part of my...” he bobbed his eyebrows again, “passage.”

“Well, then, you’re not really a ‘doctor’ are you.” Doctor Geld narrowed his eyes a little more.

“A doctor is somepony who heals others, and I can assure you, I excel at a certain kind of healing.” again, the eyebrow bob.

“I agree,” Doctor Lolipop nodded, “Just because he doesn’t have a piece of paper doesn’t mean he should be barred from the craft.”

“I don't know Doctor Lolipop,” Doctor Geld went on, “he doesn't have a medical license or even a degree. I don't think you can just make him a surgeon.”

“I assure you, his qualifications have been presented to me, and they’re more than acceptable.

“Oh, well, that’s good to hear.” Doctor Geld said with a nod, “I just wouldn’t want an unqualified surgeon operating on living ponies. May I see them then?”

Doctor Dick simply smirked for a moment, “Oh, you can see them alright.” He bobbed his eyebrows at Doctor Lolipop for a moment, before rearing up to reveal his throbbing erection, slamming it on the table, letting the massive member’s perfect shape and tone do the talking. The cold glass fogged slightly around it as it showed itself proudly to the other ponies.

Doctor Lolipop gave a nod, smirking at Doctor Geld, his point proven.

“That’s... A very healthy penis, I guess... But what does that have to do with being a medical professional?”

The other two just stared at him for a moment.

“Well...” Doctor Lolipop said, “It’s a really nice cock, so...”

Doctor Geld raised a brow.

“You know, maybe the quality of his cock translates into the quality of his surgery?”

“How is that supposed to work?” Doctor Geld asked, as if it wasn’t obvious.

“Well, you know... Good in the bed, good in the head?”

“You made that up just now!” Doctor Geld finally snapped, “There is literally no reason to assume he’s a good surgeon just because he has a nice dick!”

“Now now, Doctor Geld, no need to get personal here,” Doctor Lolipop raised his forehooves defensively, “Doctor Dick here is perfectly qualified to-”

“No, he’s not qualified! He just told you he has no education or training. For all we know, he just wandered in here one day and decided to be a surgeon!”

“Now, now, I’m sure that’s not what happened.” Doctor Lolipop assured.

“Actually, that’s pretty much exactly what happened.” Doctor Dick unassured.

“Regardless,” Doctor Lolipop reassured, “Doctor Dick is a perfectly capable surgeon with a very nice dick, and I see no reason to deny him the right to practice his craft.

Doctor Geld narrowed his eyes again.

The dick throbbed a little.

“The board...” Doctor Geld measured his words out, “...will be hearing about this.” Slowly, he turned to leave, walking back out the door, letting it drift closed behind him.

The other two stallions stood there in silence, watching him go.

Doctor Dick turned to Doctor Lolipop, letting that still rock hard and still perfect cock slide off the table, the smooth, moist surface making a loud wiping noise as it was dragged along. He spoke again in his sexy baritone, “Is he going to be a problem?”

“Oh, don't worry.” Doctor Lolipop waved a hoof, “He’s probably just jealous because he doesn't have balls."

Doctor Dick nodded, “Indeed.” And he would know, because he had the best balls.

Chapter 3 - I know you know a little trick!

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Chapter 4 - Oh doctor please Deep, Deep, Deeper!

And now... The shocking conclusion!

...Why are you still reading this?

The ponies gathered in the hallway all looked at Doctor Geld with wide eyes and slacked jaws.

“But... But... Doctor Geld! There’s an outbreak going on!”

Doctor Geld raised a brow, “Well, yeah, I noticed that. I didn’t get him fired or anything, I just got the Ministry of Health in Canterlot to order that he can’t have sex on the job anymore. He can still play doctor if Lolipop wants, and he can still have sex when he’s not on the clock, but there’ll be no precession of ponies going in and out of the third floor broom closet anymore. This is a hospital for Celestia’s sake!”

“But Doctor!” Nurse Cutty exclaimed, “We were just about to have him perform an emergency face-fucking on Doctor Lolipop!”

Doctor Geld’s eyes widened as he sputtered for a moment, “Emergency... Whaat?” He blinked, glancing down at Doctor Lolipop’s unconscious form, “Are you insane!? He needs to be put in a bed right away, and you’re talking about shoving a dick in his mouth!” he walked forward to get a better look, “What’s wrong with him anyway?”

“He’s fallen ill with the epidemic that’s been sweeping the city.” Nurse Cutty’s tone darkened, “Dick Sucking Fever.”

“D-... D-... ‘Dick Sucking Fever’?” Doctor Geld asked incredulously, as if it was all that incredulous.

“Yes! Dick Sucking Fever! It’s a serious medical condition, where he has to suck dick, or else he’s going to die!”

Nearby, Nurse Melodrama was rolling on the floor, moaning with woe.

That’s the most absurd thing I’ve ever heard!” Doctor Geld sputtered, as if that was at all absurd, “That’s the sort of thing a bad porno writer uses as an excuse to get all the characters to suck the main character’s dick!”

Said dick was hard, throbbing, and perfect, as usual.

“Dick Sucking Fever isn’t even real!” Doctor Geld exclaimed, “It’s just some song some crazy punk rocker made up because it was funny to sing about!”

Meanwhile, Raccoon tuned her guitar, fully aware that she was being referred to, but not giving a shit, because this is probably the worst story since Pinkie Pie Wants to Die.

“There’s no record of anything like that existing in real life!” he finished.

“But Doctor!” Nurse Cuddy pleaded, “What if you’re wrong? What if it’s real and we have the first-ever recorded outbreak on our hooves?”

Doctor Geld looked like he was close to having an aneurysm, “Nurse Cutty, the very notion of such a thing is beyond preposterous! I’ve been more than accommodating up to this point, but having a doctor actually prescribe patients giving him head is where I draw the line! As the current senior Physician on Staff, with Doctor Pepper on vacation and Doctor Lolipop incapacitated, I’m putting my hoof down!” He put his hoof down hard on the linoleum floor, which gave a cute little squeak from it, “There will be no prescription of fellatio, facials, or any other so called ‘treatment’ that involves his penis being put in direct contact with patients! Sweet Celestia, do you have any idea how many STDs he probably has on that thing with the way he gets around?!”

“Actually,” Doctor Dick interrupted, “I get myself checked once a month, like a responsible adult should.”

“I don’t give a fuck!!” Doctor Geld finally just snapped, “There will be no more Dick Sucking around here, and that’s final!”

“But doctor!”

“Anypony who tries to prescribe Sucking Dick as an actual treatment will be immediately terminated and forcibly removed from the premises.” He narrowed his eyes and growled, “Do I make myself clear?”

Everyone was silent, thinking, hoping desperately for some way out of this madness. They were here to cure ponies, damnit, and this... this insane pony who insisted on using ministry-approved evidence-based medicine instead of just sticking a dick in it was standing in the way, like some sort of antagonist whose entire motivation was being upset over not having balls. But there was nothing to be done. They had to accept defeat.

Finally, Nurse Cutty was the one to speak up, “I hope you can live with yourself... Doctor...”

And so it came to pass, like so many things do in the Book Of Mormon (seriously, have you ever read that thing? Learn some new phrases Joseph Smith!), that the ponies of the hospital had to treat their outbreak of Needus Gametus without the use of Phallus based Medicine, or Giveus The Dickus, as Haycart had so eloquently put it. Instead, they were forced to use common, primitive fare, such as NSAIDs and Saline Drips. Still, they worked tirelessly, moving beds and medicine, working round the clock to find a new treatment.

“I just don’t know how we can go on,” Nurse Otherpony sputtered, pushing another bed along, “There’s an outbreak going on, and that... that madpony won’t let us tell our patients to go suck a dick!!”

“Did he... Say anything about peeing on ponies?” Nurse Badpun suggested as he measured out pills.

“Nurse Badpun, can your fetish - which isn’t weird because this is Equestria and we don’t judge other ponies here - wait for like, five minutes? We have a medical crisis going on here!”

Nurse Badpun’s ears drooped a little, “Sorry, it’s just... stressful, you know? Sometimes you need a little shower to take the edge off...”

Nurse Otherpony sighed, “You’re right... I think after this is over, we’re all going to need to do something to take the stress off... Like, sex stuff, probably... That seems to be the thing lately...” He glanced over at Nurse Badpun, “Hey, you notice that? Like, things have been more erotic lately? I mean, Doctor Lolipop’s thing was always candy and using funny words for illnesses, and that... thing... that he does...”

“Oh yeah, Doctor Lolipop’s thing, yeah. It has been a bit different around here since Doctor Dick showed up, hasn’t it...” Nurse Badpun shrugged, “Not that I minded the ‘sexual healing’ sessions, but I could do without the dick-based illnesses...”

Nurse Otherpony nodded, “Yeah, this story really needs to get to the climax soon...”

“Heh, you said ‘Climax’ in a porn fic.”

They both had a chuckle at that.

Nurse Melodrama galloped down the hallway, clutching a piece of paper in his mouth, because being an Earth Pony is hard like that. He slid on his hooves as he whipped around a corner, nearly bowling through a pair of orderlies who were just sorta dicking around. (though not literally, because that rule was being enforced)

He began to backpedal as soon as Nurse Cutty was in sight, sliding to a stop in front of her, “Nurse Cutty! Nurse Cutty! You have to see this!”

“What is it? You found something?”

“Yes!” Nurse Melodrama exclaimed, “It’s this picture!”

Nurse Cutty set down the medical thing she was doing, and took the picture, looking at it, “Oh, that is interesting... Who took this?”

“Doctor Geld did! It’s a great picture isn’t it!” He beamed for a moment, before straightening up, “Also, I just did a survey on who all the ponies who fell ill... Nothing really extreme in the general population, but the members of hospital staff? All Straight Males and Gay Females. Nurse Cutty, WHAT do these groups all have in common?”

Her eyes slowly widened as she put two and two and two and two together to get eight, and then it dawned on her...

“Doctor Dick. Every pony in this hospital who was at all partial to penis had sex with Doctor Dick. Every pony who didn’t fell ill. Which means...”

Nurse Melodrama gave a stern nod, “The Cure... Is Doctor Dick’s Semen!”

“But Melodrama, even if the loveless bureaucrats in Canterlot hadn’t forbidden a healthy amount of sexual activity on the Hospital Grounds, straight males would rather die than touch another dude’s dick, and no lesbian wants to munch on anything but a rug... How are we going to cure them without them sucking Doctor Dick’s Dick?!”

“Fret not!” he announced, reaching into his mane, “I just... might... have a plan...” he pulled out a baker’s hat, putting it on his head.

Doctor Dick held his jaw stiff, switching hooves for the 5th time as he vigorously stroked his perfect penis off into a large beaker, because masturbation isn’t sexaul intercourse and thus is perfectly acceptable to do in a hospital. I mean, people do it all the time, whether they’re patients or not, or even if they’re visiting someone in a coma and decide their face looks kinda hot at that angle or something. Or, you know, you see some old person getting a sponge bath and wonder what those fleshy folds would feel like if you...

It’s not weird, ok?

“Geez, how much semen can one pony produce?” Nurse Otherpony asked, watching in awe as the massive meaty member maintained form and thickness throughout the hours of merciless masturbation.

“As much as it takes.” Doctor Dick said heroically, gritting his teeth and letting out a grunt as the head of his cock flared in his hoof, and he once again began to ejaculate, pumping out another half-liter of his semen, careful not to spill any of the precious medical resource onto the floor. He kept rubbing until he was done, gently shaking a few drops from the tip, before setting it on the table, hooves trembling in the aftermath of his release as he recovered with deep breaths, cock sagging a little.

Nurse Otherpony’s jaw dropped, “Wow... Doctor Dick... Sir...” He took off his nurse’s cap and placed it against his chest, “I must say... What you’re doing here today is a true act of heroism...”

“No, Nurse Otherpony,” Doctor Dick said, “No. What I’m doing here is just part of a day’s work. It’s what Doctor does: we save lives, no matter what the cost.” He put his hoof down firmly as Nurse Cutty pulled away the beaker he’d just heroically spooged in and replaced it with another empty one for him to gallantly fill.

“Well Doctor,” Nurse Otherpony said with a smile, “You’re a hero to me.”

“It’s good to know I have an admirer,” Doctor Dick said with a smirk, “But at the end of the day, all that really matters is that ponies go home to their families, safe, and happy.”

Nurse Otherpony looked on with admiration as Doctor Dick placed the new beaker in front of his crotch, and once again began to vigorously masturbate into it, like a hero.

Doctor Lolipop lied in his bed, staring blankly at the cieling. He didn’t know how long he’d been there... All he knew was that his mouth felt ever so dry... He craved potato chips, but couldn’t get up to go to the vending machine, because his knees had gone weak and he’d be unable to rise off of them until his need for sucking dick was sated...

There was a knock at the door, and it drifted open, Doctor Dick striding in, “Doctor Lolipop, how are you feeling?”

Doctor Lolipop just stare at him for a moment, mouth hanging open, as if to recieve, but ever so empty, “I’m feeling... like some sort of cum dumpster, left empty and unfucked for so long... Oh, and, my shoulder’s a bit achey, but I feel absolutely peachy otherwise.”

“We can talk about amputating your shoulder for minor pains later, but right now, I have something that might fix the first part of that...” Doctor Dick said, pulling out what looked like a vanilla muffin, “Try this.”

Doctor Lolipop reached out slowly, gently hooking his fetlock around it, the appendage now curled uncontrollably into the position of grasping cylindrical objects. Slowly, he brought the muffin to his puffy lips, gingerly taking a bite. He managed to chew, despite the fact that his lips seemed to want to cover his teeth, while swallowing came to him as easy as a baby bird begging for its mother’s nourishment. Smacking his mouth together, he took another bite, then another... He sat up in the bed, taking it into his mouth, one bit at a time, moaning ever so slightly at the taste and texture sliding across his tongue. “Mmf... It’s... Moist. Very moist.” He said, the rasp leaving his voice as the dryness in his mouth subseded.

“You’ll have to thank Nurse Melodrama for that: he apparently used to be a confectioner.”

Doctor Lolipop nodded, swallowing another mouthful of the nourishing goodness, “Well, he did a good job with this! What’s in it anyway?”

Doctor Dick smirked, stating plainly, “It’s my semen.”

Doctor Lolipop stopped mid bite, looking down at the muffin for a moment.

“Well...” he said, “That explains the saltiness.” He bobbed his eyebrows weakly, then leaned in and took another bite, chewing thoroughly before swallowing, “No homo though.”

Doctor Dick smirked, nodding, “No homo.”

And those ancient and powerful words made the fact that he was knowingly ingesting another stallion’s semen not gay.

Doctor Dick stood in silence for a moment, thinking as the head surgeon ate. Finally, he spoke up, “Doctor Lolipop?”

“Please, Dick, I think we’re beyond formalities at this point: it’s just Lolipop to you.”

“Thanks... Lolipop, I wanted to thank you... For letting me work here.”

Doctor Lolipop waved it off with a hoof, “No need, you’ve more than earned your place here.”

“Yes, but... Why did you let me work here? I mean, I’ve been thinking about what Doctor Geld said... Having a good penis really doesn’t have anything to do with being a good physician. Like... At all. In fact, I have no idea why I thought that it would in the first place.”

Doctor Lolipop scoffed and rolled his eyes, “Doctor Geld is just jelly because he doesn’t have any balls. He may have seven degrees in fields ranging from Biochemistry to Equine Anatomy, but he doesn’t know the first thing about being a good doctor!”

“But... Isn’t knowing about how ponies get sick important?”

“Dick, Listen to me, and listen to me real good,” Doctor Lolipop leaned forward in his seat, putting a hoof on Doctor Dick’s chest, "I never needed credentials from you, because knew, from that very first day in the OR, that you would make a good doctor. Being a doctor isn't about deep understanding of anatomy, nor about steady control of a tool, nor is it even about making the right diagnosis... It's about making bold, dramatic decisions, that make for incredibly watchable prime-time TV!"

Doctor Dick stood in silence, slowly nodding as it all began to make sense to him. Of course... Most of the medicine in this story had seemed like bullshit that was made up just to drive the plot... Like a medical drama... He was in a Medical Drama... Which meant...

“Nurse Melodrama is the most important pony on the staff.”

Doctor Lolipop nodded, “Exactly!” And with that, he took another big bite out of his semen-muffin.

And it wasn’t gay, because they said No Homo.

Author's Note

It's like taking a dump on FiMfiction, and making the internet smell it.

Fuck you internet. Fuck you. >:)

E-Rotilogue - "D-D-D-D-D-D-Deeper!"

Author's Note

I don't even feel bad. I just keep writing new bullshit. Take that, Displaced Into Nothing fans...

E-Rotilogue - "D-D-D-D-D-D-Deeper!"

And so, with the help of Doctor Dick, all the ponies of Manehattan were saved! (And the non-ponies just had to make due, seeing as the Equestrian Medical System is segregated, because ponies are racist like that. It's ok though, because it's not like sheep or cows are people.) With the citizens cured of the Needus Gameetus outbreak, all the loose ends had been tied up...

“Well then,” Doctor Lollipop said, “it seems the board isn't going to take action for you feeding all those ponies your semen. Good job convincing them!”

“Oh, let me assure you, once they saw what I had to offer, it wasn't that hard to get their consent. Something else was hard though...” Doctor Dick bobbed his eyebrows.

The dick twitched.

“Well, it seems there's only one loose end.” He turned to the other pony in his office, “Doctor Geld, would you at least consider dropping your appeal to have Doctor Dick removed?”

Doctor Geld shook his head, letting out a sigh, “I’m sorry Doctor, but the fact remains, he doesn’t even have a medical degree. I just can't sit idly by while he continues to just practice unlicensed medicine. This is dangerous! Some pony could get hurt!”

“Actually...” Doctor Lolipop reached behind his desk, “I took the liberty of contacting the university when you first brought it up, and today, this arrived in the mail!” He plopped a thick pile of papers on the table, grinning widely.

Doctor Dick leaned forward, a smile coming to his face, “is that what I think it is?”

Doctor Lollipop grinned, nodding enthusiastically.

Doctor Geld frowned, “...This month’s issue of playcolt?”

“Lady Rara did a spread! And WOW, would you look at that flank!” He grinned showing a picture of Lady Rara lying on a couch with a slight blush, her supple flank fully visible to the camera.

Doctor Dick nodded, “It looks very healthy.”

“Lollipop... This is just a picture of a mare.”

“A naked mare!” Doctor Lollipop grinned.

“Doctor, I'm naked, you're naked, all the mares in this hospital are naked. WE ARE LITERALLY NAKED ALL THE TIME!”

Doctor Lollipop blinked, looking back at the image for a good long moment...

...

“Huh... I never thought about it that way...” He glanced up, “Wait... I thought you liked Playcolt.”

“I like the articles, Lollipop, the award winning articles!”

It's true. They really do have good articles.

“And besides, this is a complete distraction from the conversation!”

“Oh fine,” Doctor Lollipop rolled his eyes as Doctor Geld snipped off his hijinks like a pair of... You know. “I got this from a courier this morning. It turns out the University was really impressed with that thing you pulled off with the potato.” He tossed a cardboard-framed paper on the desk.

Doctor Dick looked down at the framed parchment. “Oh! Is this what a diploma looks like? I never did finish high school...”

“Let me see that.” Doctor Geld leaned forward, taking the paper with some annoyance. His eyes scanned the sheet of notebook paper that had been hastily taped on to what looked like part of a pizza box... (And trust me, a Manehattanite knows pizza boxes)

Dick is a Doctor Now. Yep.
- Manehattan School of like, Medicine and Stuff

Doctor Geld sighed, “Really, Doctor?”

“Is there a problem?” Doctor Lollipop said with a smirk.

Doctor Geld looked down at the paper again, closing his eyes and rubbing his temples...

“No. This is definitely an official degree from the ‘Manehattan School of like, Medicine and Stuff’. Notebook paper and everything.“ He hoofed the paper back to them, “Well, I guess there’s no more fighting it now. As much as I hate to admit it... You’re a doctor now, on par with the rest of us.” He gave a little nod, “Welcome to the team, Doctor Dick.” With that, he turned around, walking back down the hallway to his own office.

He stopped, turned around, and walked back past them, “Oh, right, my office is this way.”

Doctors Dick and Lolipop, who I just now noticed have similar names if you think about it, smiled as they watched their fellow physician trot down the hallway and out of sight.

“You know...” Doctor Lolipop said, “For a pony without balls, he sure does get into a lot of dickery.”

Doctor Dick nodded with a smile, “He sure does, and I’m the one agreeing with you.”

They both had a chuckle.

“So, Doctor Dick, are you staying on for the long term?” Lolipop asked, reaching under the desk to pull out a sucker (the candy kind, not Nurse Melodrama), which he then put in his mouth.

“It looks like it.” reaching under the desk to pull on his dick, (his actual dick, not euphemism or anything) “Though, I have the feeling I’ll be needed elsewhere... One never knows when somepony will be in need of a Doctor...”

“...Or a Dick.” Lolipop added. He bobbed his eyebrows.

Doctor Dick chuckled back at that, “Ah yes, well, I am good at offering that. Nopony knows what the future can truly hold. We are but players in a wild game of life.

Doctor Lolipop nodded sagely, “Indeed. But you know what? I’m glad it was you who wandered into the ER that day. It’s like fate brought us together...”

Doctor Dick nodded back, “One could almost say that...” he turned to the camera, eyes solidly transfixed on you, giving you the hardened stare of a stallion who had looked into the face of eternity and held no misgivings about what lurked within the dark. “It was as if an occult hand had reached down from above and moved the players like pawns upon some giant chessboard.”

And then they knew, they knew what was really going on: the only way any of this could have transpired was through the work of entities beyond mortal comprehension. They were trapped, like ants in a terrarium, being used for the amusement of beings which to even consider was to court insanity, and on that mountain of madness, nothing could ever be made right again...

And the Dick.Throbbed.On.

Credits

Help Me Doctor Dick!

Written by Raccoon

Inspired by the hit single, “Help Me Doctor Dick!”, by E-Rotic.

Dr Geld frowned as he went into his office. He was not happy about Doctor Dick working there, but a piece of paper is a piece of paper. Who was he to question looseleaf?

He glanced at his desk, noticing a little oblong box on it, gift wrapped with a little bow. He reached forward and examined the note...

“From Doctor Dick
To Doctor Geld”

He kept his frown on as he pulled on the bow, opening the package. Inside, he found a pair of brand new tennis balls, perfect for playing with.

And for the first time in a long time, Doctor Geld began to smile.

Other works referenced or inspiring include...

“Doctor Lolipop” by Frederator Studios
Like, seriously, that’s a good chunk of the first chapter, and part of the inspiration for Doctor Lolipop, Nurse Cutty, Nurse Melodrama, and Nurse Otherpony.
“If You're Fucking, You're Fucking" by Reggie Watts
“Dick Sucking Fever” by Raccoon and the Wild Animals
“Sexual Healing” by Marvin Gaye

Medical Dramas, specifically House (in case you didn’t get who Geld and Cutty were loosely inspired by) and Call The Midwife (holy shit that is a period piece that makes me shiver, especially when they deal now-eliminated illnesses)

Nurse Badpun’s name was originally a joke on Pony names, until I realized it sounds a lot like “Bedpan”, which made me decide that he’s a nurse with urine and scat fetishes, making it a very bad pun.

And yes, Nurse Otherpony is named that because I was too lazy to think of another name and just went with the placeholder, because that’s my sense of humor.

“And remember, Mister Dot-RAR,” Doctor Lolipop said, “The next time you feel Rumblies In Your Tumblies, figure out what's causing it before you keep eating.” He held his hoof out, smiling as he offered his namesake candies, “Now, will that be cherry, orange, or lemon?”

“Thank you doctor!” Mister Dot-RAR said, taking the lemon flavored one, “From now on, I’ll be sure not to eat Mung Beans anymore, lest I come down with a case of the Mung... Which is what you get from eating Mung Beans, obviously.”

“Right you are!” Doctor Dick declared, “And until next time the sick come a callin’...”

“Are you gonna do the thing again doctor?” Nurse Cutty said with a smirk.

“Or defenseless ponies get a maulin...”

“He’s doing the thing.” Nurse Cutty nudged the patient with her shoulder

“This is...” he reared up on his hind hooves, magical sparkles radiating from his body as he let out a manly roar, “DOCTOOOOOOOR LOLIPOOOOP!!”

Special Thanks
Freleania for inspiring this work with her own, Hoofbeats. (Which, if you liked this, you will love)
Ronnie for constantly going on about dicks.
All of my friends who believe in the power of the dick...

And of course, you, my adoring fans, who make the baby Jesus cry by reading shit like this.

.
.
.

Doctor Dick will return...

Raccoon is sitting in her plush bed, wearing her black nightie, trying to finish chapter 6 of Displaced Into Nothing before she gets distracted again. She notices you and glances up. “Are... Are you still here?”

She starts waving you towards the door, “Go. Go away. This story is over.”

Doctor Dick raises his head from the pile of stuffed animals beside her, “Oh? Maybe they want to hear about the sequel.”

“No, nobody wants to hear about the sequel. This story is bad, and they should feel bad for reading it.”

“Hmm... Maybe... But in the sequel, I have sex with a princess.” he points out.

She nods, “Yeah, and he might meet Hoofbeats in a crossover thingy.”

“Yeah, guess what happens in that one.” He's grinning now, bobbing his eyebrows.

“Don't tell them about that. They don't need to know. They probably don't want to know.” She turns back to you, “Listen, this story was bad, and it's over now, so you should just... Go hit that downvote button and move on.” She waves you along.

“Right,” Doctor Dick says, leaning in to lay a forehoof over Raccoon's chest, “We’re having some private time.”

“Yeah, and if you ask him how this is possible, he'll just point at his dick and that will be the explanation.”

“Hmm... Maybe we should just get back to this...” Doctor Dick looks down at his erection, a smirk forming on his face.

“Ah, but Doctor, they don't know how to leave!” she whines.

“Mmm... Maybe they'd like to watch?”

She blushes a little, but smiles, “Oh... Well... I guess I wouldn't mind that...”

Doctor Dick gets up against Raccoon's chest, nibbling her neck, caressing her squirming little fluffy body in his forehooves, pulling her nightie off with his teeth and hooves, lining up his incredible cock against her entrance....

She leans back and spreads her legs around him, putting her arms on his shoulders as she relaxes beneath his toned body, sighing, “ahh... It's good to be the author...”

Raccoon let's out a cry of pleasure as Doctor Dick thrusts his big dick into her little body and, once again, gets to work..

8===|===)