Chapters The sun had just gone down over the horizon, giving way to Luna's beautiful night. From the cabin of her 2011 Lincoln Town Car that she purchased from a dealership in Ponyville, the Princess of the night used her magic to raise the moon as she enjoyed a doughnut and a coffee, taking care not to drop any on her upholstery. Tonight was to be a night like other weekend nights before since Luna signed up to drive with Uber; absolutely perfect.
It's true, it was the perfect gig. While she raised the moon to begin the night, she could simultaneously give safe rides to ponies who had no business flying or driving. While doing her job as a Princess, she was also doing good by making the streets of Canterlot safer and meeting more of her subjects. It was an opportunity too good to pass up. She didn't even care if she made any profit, the fun alone was more than enough.
With her cell phone turned on to the app and propped up by a holder attached one of the air conditioner vents, all she had to do was sit in her car and play the waiting game. She really enjoyed the comfort of her luxurious seat and the sweet aroma of her little Trees (R) bourbon scented air freshener that she had hung on the rear view mirror. It was a nice balance of "have you been drinking tonight" along with just a hint of "step out of the car, sir". With the upholstery freshly shampooed, the paintjob washed and waxed, the gas tank filled, the whitewall tires glossy, and the elegant aluminum rims shined and freed of brake dust, it almost seemed like she would never want to leave her seat. All down to the ice cold air conditioner fighting the heat of the summer night, they were just the simple things but they were all hers and she loved it.
Just when it seemed as if she would just doze off with her back legs propped up the the dashboard, she would soon find herself needed. Her phone began to make the telltale dinging sound that could only mean a rider was in need of assistance and since the night was young, they would most likely be going to a bar rather than from. As quick as a flash, she tapped the screen of her phone to accept the request, shifted the massive land yacht into the drive gear and put the powerful V8 engine to work. This would be her first trip tonight, marking the beginning of this weekend's haul.
The residential side of Canterlot was where she started out as it was early enough in the night so she didn't have far to go to reach her destination. A decal was affixed to the bottom, passenger side corner of the windshield and a photo of her car was sent to the passenger's phone so it couldn't possibly be more easy to identify her as she slowed down and pulled to the curb. Her first passengers of the night were two mares who proceeded to approach the car and reach for the door handle just to have the door opened for them by their driver's aura.
"Welcome aboard, ladies!" Luna beamed as the two mares climbed into the back seat. "Help thyselves to some mints in the cupholders!"
The two passengers certainly did not expect to have the very Princess of the night be their driver as those who use Uber don't typically pay mind to the name of the driver that appears on their phone. Perplexed, they stared over at the very important mare in the driver's seat as she navigated through traffic that crowded the streets. They even forgot to put on their seatbelts they were so stunned as to the identity of their driver, something that the latter planned to remedy.
"Oh come now, surely we can make small talk on the way!" Luna said, trying to encourage conversation. "No need to be shy!"
"Oh! Uh, s-sorry, your majesty." One of the mares, a unicorn stuttered, clearly intimidated by their driver. "We just didn't expect to be picked up by a Princess. Why are you of all ponies driving with Uber?"
"Because it's fun and rewarding and helps me meet down to Earth ponies like yourselves. Need I say more? Oh, watch this!"
While stopped behind a slowpoke at a green stoplight, much to the amazement of her two passengers, Luna used her magic aura to lift the car in front of her before driving right underneath it. Once her Lincoln was cleared of the old Cadillac that hovered above, she no longer needed to hold onto so she withdrew her aura causing the couple in the old car to come crashing back down as she went on her way. Eager drivers who had seen the car lifted up had gotten too eager and after a first car crashed into the back of the Cadillac, a chain reaction ensued.
"Are we there yet?" Asked an oblivious old mare in the Cadillac's passenger seat.
"Eh, I forgot where we were going." Replied her equally as old and oblivious husband.
"Who the hell are you?"
"I'll figure that out as soon as I remember why we're out so late."
Luna's passengers clapped their hooves together with delight at their driver's unique way of dealing with frustrating traffic, choosing to ignore that she had just caused a string of collisions. Normally, being in the presence of a Princess would be uncomfortable and ponies would often go out of their way to put effort into behaving what they would consider more "proper". Luna seemed to have been proving that it was entirely not necessary to act any differently than one usually would as she believed in always being true to oneself. There was simply no need for the two mares in the back seat to be shy.
"Hey, Can we take a selfie with you?" One of the mares asked as Luna pulled to the curb to drop them off.
"But of course!" Luna beamed before puckering her lips for a pose as the two mares snapped a picture with her.
"Hey, thanks, Princess Luna!" The second mare beamed as she and her friend hopped out. She then proceeded to open the app on her cell phone and after just a couple of taps, Luna had received yet another five star rating to add to her collection.
"Enjoy your evening, ladies!" Luna beamed as she laid rubber on the road and tore off to her next fare.
The next several passengers behaved much of the same way at first, apprehensive to begin with and quickly warming up to their driver ultimately ending with a fun conversation and a five star rating. A dozen or so rides later, the inevitable slowdown started as most of the night's bar trotters had found their hangout save for a few here and there who wished to head to the next to meet friends or what have them. Luna would find herself pausing for a sip of her coffee or to visit with the rather handsome stallion who runs the doughnut shop in between fares and break up the occasional make out session as to avoid making a mess in her back seat.
"So Joe, I was thinking maybe on Tuesday, we could catch a movie?" Luna said to the doughnut stallion they sat together in the front seat in his parking lot.
"Yeah? Whatcha wanna see?" Joe asked just as Luna's phone began to ding.
"Hold that thought, handsome. I'm needed elsewhere to make Canterlot a safer place. Until next time, dear."
"If ya need any coffee, you know where I'll be."
With a brief squeal of the rear tires of the Lincoln, Luna was off to her next subject in need of a safe ride. Now that a few hours had passed since the night began however, very few of her future fares were likely to be sober. This was tricky at times as ponies tend to forget their manners after enough drinks and know even less when it comes to retaining their last meal. The soft, cloud-like ride Luna's Lincoln provided helped reduce the risk of back seat accidents but should one occur, the smell of vomit took a lot of work to get out of the premium upholstery. The Princess of the night was always came prepared however.
Ginger ale and cold water was always something Luna kept in a cooler in the trunk of her car and made sure to replenish her supply in the cup holders once any were consumed. Along with the stomach soothing beverages, sickness bags were always in her inventory should the worst case scenario occur. So far, as long as Luna had been driving with Uber, she has never allowed a drop of any type of fluid whatsoever to touch her pristine cloth seats nor has she received a rating less than five stars and she did not plan on doing so tonight.
The Ritz-ease was a popular hangout this time of year and as such, there would be plenty of ponies in need of transport for they had no business operating a vehicle in their dulled states. It had nearly become routine, Luna would drop several groups off here, sit through the slow period and start picking ponies up from here and other bars one they had drank their fill. This upcoming ride was expected to be much like the others ans like always, Luna implemented the use of her right signal light, pulled to the curb and stopped for her awaiting passenger.
"Princess Celestia got me drunk! Whoo!" A mare cheered as she staggered towards the car before aimlessly pawing for the door handle.
As to avoid having the mare's hooves leave any scratches on the well polished and pristine glossy black paint job, Luna used her magic aura to open the door for her sloshed customer. Though it was often tricky to deal with ponies in such a state, she felt she could handle it as it was not the first time nor would it be the last. This too had almost become routine as the Princess behind the wheel had developed a system of sorts to ensure prompt, safe, and hassle free drop offs and to maintain her perfect record of ratings. Offer soothing drinks, keep sick bags on standby, drive slow and steady and nod and say things like "yup", "sure", and "uh huh" to feign listening to their drunken babbling. This one should be no exception.
"Come hither, my inebriated comrade!" Luna beamed as the mare stumbled into the back seat. "Help thyself to an ale of ginger and I shall operate this yacht of the land in a manner as to avoid further discomfort!"
"Oh hey, I know you!" The mare slurred as her driver shut the door and gently pressed the gas pedal. "You're that moon pony! I always thought you were hot!"
"Such sweet flattery has earned thee a five star rat-er...hey thanks, I get that a lot."
"Shit, this is awesome! Prin*burp*cess Celestia serves the drinks and I get an Uber ride from her sister! Aw, too bad I'm not gonna remember this! Sucks..."
"Not to worry, dear. Take a selfie with me once I drop you off."
"Dude! Thassa great, uh...thassa great...thing, yeah thassit. *Burrraaappp!*
"Do at least attempt to behave remotely civilized. Any more of that and there may not be a selfie, dear."
"*Gasp* Nooo! Okay, no more. I won't do that no more, Isswear."
Luna knew how to quiet ponies down the best they possibly could after drinking as much as they had and the threat of withholding an honor such as a selfie with a Princess was enough to regain this one her manners. Like any other before, this ride went by without incident and the passenger was rewarded with the picture of herself and her Princess as she was promised. As Luna pulled away after dropping her fare off, she began counting down the seconds as if expecting something to happen while she stared at her phone that sat in a holder before her.
"Five...four...three...two...one..." Luna slowly counted, her phone making the telltale dinging sound as soon as she reached one. "Huzzah! Yet another five stars I receive! Undefeated!"
Luna's cheering was short lived but not on bad terms as her phone immediately indicated the location of yet another drunken pony in need of assistance and once again at the popular establishment she just came from. Without missing a beat, she used her magic to change the traffic light ahead from red to green as to expedite her arrival. She loved being able to do that as it allowed her to fit as many trips into her night as possible and it made her feel like a hero of sorts. It would turn out that her next fare would need much more than just a ride however as she would soon find out.
"Well, this area is rather busy tonight!" Luna commented. "You especially appear to need a soothing ginger ale! Feel free to implement the use of one of my several regurgitation receptacles for I just shampooed the seats!"
"Aww, damn, nice car!" The stallion slurred. "Hey, mind if I take one of these ginger ales for my marefriend? I'm going to her place to right some wrongs."
"And there be plenty more from wherest that originates! Now let us be off!"
Though most of the time she expected the less sober riders to be rather annoying, Luna always made an effort to start the trip on a cheerful and positive note. If they babbled on and on about random nonsense, she felt that it would be polite to at least pretend to be interested in what they had to say and to be fair, some did in fact have interesting things to say.
"Yeah, Imma go and make things right with my marefriend when I get there." The stallion slurred as he sat in the back sipping on a ginger ale. "Oh hey! Can you turn the radio to that love show? I think it's on now and issa perfect thingta listen to tonight! Maybe that host can gimme some advice!"
"Ah, right you are, my friend!" Luna beamed as she switched the radio station to a talk show about love and relationship advice. "My niece does a great job hosting it!"
"So she and I had a nice talk and got a lot of things off our chests..." Said the voice of a regular caller on the radio show. "She and I agreed to remain friends and I couldn't be happier with how things turned out."
"That's great new's, Finzy!" None other than the Princess of love herself beamed in response. "I know things like this can be tough when you have feelings for somepony that aren't mutual but you have a good friend in her. Don't get discouraged, you're a great guy and you will find somepony who sees that, you understand me?"
"Th-thanks Cadence, I just *sniff* I really thought we had something going here and I got so attached, you know? I...you're right. I'm not even thirty yet, I'll meet a girl who I can go out of my way to make happy! Good things come to those who wait, right? Someday I WILL find somepony I can spoil and call my own!"
"That's the spirit!"
"Gahahaha! Loser got friendzoned!" The rude stallion in the back seat blurted out, ultimately sealing his driver's impression of him.
"Humph. Most mares would give all they had to be with somepony who treated them the way the stallion on the radio does." Luna said firmly in clear disagreement in her rider's comment. "And you wonder why your mare left you."
"Oh this is her place right here!"
"Yes, completely ignore me. I wish I could stay and watch the disaster unfold, I even have popcorn to munch on."
"Hey thanks for the ride, hot stuff. Imma 'bout to go get my girl back. Then she'll lemme smash."
"Just get the hell out of my car."
Still completely oblivious to the Princess's ill will towards him, the rude stallion stumbled over the the house where his former girlfriend lived with intentions on winning her back and the likelihood of making a fool of himself. Though it was late at night, the lights were still on indicating that the occupant was still awake. Much to his surprise and potential dismay however, he would find that he had come at possibly the worst time as within the house, there were occupants in a plural sense rather than singular.
"Samanetha, baby!" The dim witted and plastered stallion called out as he staggered through the door and into the house. "I need ya back, sweetheart! Lemme sma-"
"Dammit, Irish Kiss!" The mare of the house retorted as she did not appreciate being interrupted while having tea. Nor did the stallion she was visiting with. "I told you we were done! You hit me so I'm never taking you back!"
"Hey, who's this asshole?" Irish Kiss inquired about the older, gray haired stallion who sat in a chair opposite of Samanetha.
"Look, buddy, for your own sake, choose your next words carefully." The mystery stallion said in a authoritarian sort of tone. "I'm sure you don't wanna get hur-"
Thwack!
Alcohol tends to cloud a pony's judgement and Irish Kiss' actions of laying his hoof across the muzzle of the other stallion proved to be a classic example. Instead of the seated stallion so much as flinching however, the only one to feel any pain was Irish Kiss for he felt as if he had just punched a boulder. As he stood there massaging his now red and swollen hoof, darkness in the form of a shadow quickly overcame the spot where he was standing. Irish Kiss ears folded back and his sobriety was now expedited as he would find that the newly cast shadow was the stallion rising from his seat.
"Irish Kiss?" Samanetha asked with a smirk. "You remember how you went out of your way to avoid meeting my parents? Well...meet my dad."
Having a massive stallion who he learned to be his ex's angry father towering over him was enough to render Irish Kiss stone cold sober and his pupils shrank to pins as she appeared to have no intentions of stopping the inevitable. No sooner than Irish Kiss shifted his glance back up to Samanetha's beefy father did the behemoth of a stallion present a new condition to render him in in the form of a new darkness brought about by firm hoof to the schnoz.
Meanwhile, back with Luna...
"I hope somepony teaches him a lesson." Luna said to herself as she once again drove towards the Ritz-ease to pick up her next fare.
It was getting rather late and things would soon start slowing down again to the point where a driver would do more waiting than anything. As Luna slowed down and pulled to the side of the street towards a mare who appeared to be nervously galloping in place, much to the former's surprise, the later quickly jumped in through the fortunately open window as soon as she was close enough.
"Drive!! Drive!!" The mare frantically screamed.
Insteading of asking why, Luna didn't feel like debating and obliged to the frightened mare's request and stomped the gas pedal down to the floor. Without any hesitation whatsoever, the powerful V8 engine screeched the rear tires against the cobblestone street for a moment and once they regained their grip, the large luxury sedan tore off. Now that the shivering mare was being swiftly driven away from the bar like she wanted, Luna felt compelled to ask what the hurry was.
"So why precisely are you in such a hurry?" Luna asked as she looked at her mortified passenger with her rearview mirror. "I hope you won't make me regret getting you out of ther-"
KABOOM!!
Luna's question was promptly answered for her in the form of a loud blast followed by a thick cloud of smoke billowing from the windows of the bar in her rear view mirror. The building was not engulfed in flames but there were a few flickering embers that added to the light of the street lamps. It was rather alarming at first but after a moment of thought, Luna remembered exactly who the bartender tonight was and dismissed the incident as something that would sort itself out.
"She'll be fine." Luna said calmly and she shifted her focus back onto the road ahead. "She probably got something in her eye, her magic can go haywire when that happens."
After putting some distance between themselves and the now destroyed building and passing by several firetrucks of which wear headed in the opposite direction, the mare in the back seat grew calm as well. She didn't seem to feel much like talking however which was uncommon as most drunken equines can't for the life of themselves shut up. Now that the dust had settled, the night princess glanced back up at the rear view mirror in hopes that her passenger was still alive. What she saw made her wish other wise as the mare in the back was covering her mouth with her hooves as her face turned a pea green.
"Don't even think about it, hon!" Luna ordered as she popped the glove box open for a sick bag. "Here, use this."
The passenger seemed oblivious to the helpful item her driver tossed into the back seat especially for her much to the former's confusion. Instead of putting the bag to use, she simply flailed her hooves about in a panic and fumbled with the window switch in attempt to find somewhere to let it out. It was when her cheeks began to swell that the Princess threw any and all politeness to the wind.
"Hey! The bag! Use it!" An immensely worried and frustrated Luna barked to her oblivious passenger. "If you get so much as a drop of anything on my seat, so help me I'll-"
"Mmmmfff...Bleahhhh!!" The mare groaned as she expelled the contents of her stomach in their entirety all over the back seat of the car.
SCREEEECH!!
With her once before clean seat covered with sick, Luna slammed the brake pedal down so hard that the sheer strength in her anger alone nearly burst the brake hydraulic system. Now that she could take a breather, the queasy mare in the back seat took a few deep breaths but once her eyes met those of her enraged royal driver, she suddenly wasn't so drunk anymore. It was the look of absolute death that the Princess was giving her and it made her blood run cold. It was when the furious night Princess grabbed the shift lever and slammed it into park that the frightened mare knew her very life depended on her next move.
"No! Wait!" The mare pleaded as she dodged a set of hooves reaching for her throat and promptly opened the car door and bolted out. "Please, don't hurt me!"
"Thou hast been warned!!" Luna boomed with her trademark royal Canterlot voice as she gave chase. "Preparest thyself to feel the wrath of your Princess of the night!! Nopony ejects thy partially digested meals within the cabin of my motor car!!"
"Nooohohoho! Have mercy!"
The frightened mare galloped for her life and the enraged Princess was in hot pursuit. The further and faster the two galloped down the streets, the more sober and all the more scared the mare became to the point of bawling as she tried to escape. Her very life flashing before her eyes was the encouragement she needed to gallop impressively swiftly and proved to be a stronger motivation than the anger of the Princess despite the latter's much longer legs. The second the would be victim saw an opportunity to escape her pursuer, she took it and made an abrupt right into an alleyway. Expecting to make the same right and corner her prey, Luna made the same turn to see a series of several more paths, the mare nowhere in sight much to her frustration. She could have been anywhere at this point.
"She got...away." Luna huffed through her clenched teeth before letting out a long sigh, allowing her anger to die down. "Perhaps...scaring the excrement out of her was punishment enough...I'm calling it a night."
As Luna slowly and calmly trotted back to her Lincoln that she had left parked a couple blocks away, she took several deep breaths and thought about her actions moments ago. Perhaps she was too harsh? It's no pleasant task but vomit can be effectively removed from seats both residual and odor. Surely nopony throws up in a car on purpose. Nevertheless, what was done is done and the first thing to do was find the nearest auto supply store for the means to clean up the mess. As she took her seat and prepared to drive off however, her calmness would be short lived for her phone dinged and revealed her latest rating.
"Four stars..." Luna read the text quietly. "You dirty bastaaard!!"
Author's Note
Little Trees (R) bourbon scented air fresheners are a real thing. No Joke. For real, I don't anticipate my store carrying them for very long so I'll mail your ass a pack if you want.
It's not often that sompony lands a gig that they enjoy immensely and even less often that it involves their specialty and the very reason they got their cutie mark. For Princess Mi Amore Cadenza or simply Cadence which she preferred out of modesty, luck would have it that just the perfect opportunity would fall right into her lap. A local Canterlot Radio station had recently fired a talk show host and cancelled his program thus freeing up some airtime. That's when Cadence found the help wanted ad explaining that not only were they in search of a new host but also taking suggestions for a new concept for a show altogether.
A few weeks ago, Cadence went to the station to answer the ad and present her idea of which the directors ate right up and immediately gave her the job. The idea was simple. Create a talk show where she as a host would answer phone calls, and play a few uplifting songs in between. It wasn't conflicting with her usual schedule either as it was only late at night every Thursday through Saturday from eleven pm to midnight. To her it was the best of both worlds, she could give helpful advice about love and relationships, help troubled couples and spread love across the lands all the while performing her usual duties throughout the day. She felt as if she was not only having her cake but being allowed to eat it as well.
This was her second week in the studio and being a Friday was her fifth actual night hosting her show which was gaining popularity incredibly quickly and even had some regular callers that Cadence had come to expect. It was only the start of her fifth night on the air but she felt confident that she had a system down and it seemed to work quite well. With the earlier show coming to an end for the night, the host passed the baton onto the love Princess and after a moment of preparation, she was ready to go. Her headphones were on, her microphone adjusted, and with the flip of a switch, a bright red sign that read "On Air" lit up signaling that it was time.
"Happy Friday night, everypony!" Cadence greeted her listeners. "You're listening to lovin' life on ninety-four point one fm! It looks like my dear Aunt Luna has brought us yet another gorgeous evening so if you're out and about, be sure to call her up if you've had anything to drink and she'll make sure you end up at home rather than a hospital or a jail cell! Hee hee hee, anyway, I know a lot of you are anxious to call and throw in your two bits. The phone lines are blinking like Canterlot on Hearts Warming eve so let's not waste any time! Hello and good evening, my dear friend, you're on the air, so what's on your mind?"
"Hey, I got through! Awesome!" A delighted mare beamed over the airwaves. "Hey, I love your show, it's really helped me get through a nasty break up!"
"Glad to hear that! Er, glad to hear I could be helpful I mean, not that you had to go through that. So, what's your name? Care to tell us about it?"
"Yeah, my name's Samanetha and...well, it was tough at first but I was really moved by what you said about having respect for myself and ending toxic relationships and I feel like a new mare!"
"Wonderful! Go on."
"The last straw was when he hit me. That's when I decided that I deserved better so I kicked him to the curb! He's lucky I got to it before my dad did!"
"As much as I detest seeing relationships end, abuse of any kind is unacceptable and it needs to be broken off. Good on you!"
"Thanks! I'm actually having tea with my dad right now and just talking about my ex is...well, let's just say I could use the heat billowing from the top of his head to heat the pot! Hey, thanks again, Cadence, you have a good night!"
"And you as well, Samanetha! Thanks for calling!"
Click!
With that, Cadence let her first caller of the night go and since she had time for one or two more before playing the first song of the night, she decided to do just that and press the next blinking button on the line.
"Hi, you're on the air!" Cadence beamed. "What's on your mind tonight?"
"Uh, hey, yeah I've got a question. " A stallion on the other line said.
"And I'll bet I have an answer for you!"
"Cool. So I'm at this bar right now, kay? Like, I've had a couple drinks but I'm still sharp, like totally fine. So this really hot bartender smiles at me every time she gets me a drink! I think she's totally digging me!"
Cadence didn't like the sound of the situation one bit and strongly disagreed with the dumb stallion's theory. Callers without a clue on how things work were nothing new to her and like any other before this, she wouldn't hold back putting them in their place with brutal honesty.
"I think she smiles at you because she's simply doing her job, friend." Cadence firmly clarified. "You say you think she likes you as more than a customer, I say nothing could be further from the truth. Really think about it, she wants her patrons to feel welcome and what better way to do that than with a smile? Get my point?"
"I'm gonna go smack her on the ass! " The stallion blurted out, completely ignoring the sound advice he was given.
"Please don't do that, you'll just make a fool out of yourself."
"How do you figure? "
"Well, did she explicitly give you permission to do that?"
"Huh? "
"Did she look you square in the eye and say 'hey, go ahead and slap me on the butt'?"
"No. "
"Then don't."
"But she's sooo hot! That, and I've got a thing for big girls. Damn! "
"You know what? Go right ahead. See what happens."
Click!
After ending the brick wall conversation with the idiotic pony about to get himself into trouble, Cadence paused for a moment to practice her breather exercises while she rubbed her temples. When she first started the show, she knew that she would occasionally have to deal with an idiot every now and then but frustratingly enough, it ended up being more frequent than she would have liked. Though there was a great deal of junk, there was a fair share of gems along with it in the forms of callers who not only knew what love even is but held it on a high regard just as Cadence did. Before playing a song, the hostess, decided to take one more caller.
"We get the crazies calling once in a while!" Cadence said cheerfully as she shrugged it off and switched to the next line. "I'll take one more before I play the first record for tonight! Hi, you're on the air!"
"Hi, Cadence, it's me. " Said a familiar voice on the line that made Cadence's eye light up.
"Finzy!" Cadence beamed as she thoroughly enjoyed talking to this stallion whenever he called. "Oh, I'm so glad to hear from a level headed pony who appreciates love as much as I do!"
"Thanks, Cadence. I uh...well, I just figured I'd give you an update. "
"Oh no, you don't sound very happy. Is everything okay between you and...her?"
"Oh, yeah we're fine, it's just...she finally told me what I needed to hear. "
"I'm so sorry, Cad-er...Finzy. I know you really had strong feelings for her. Are you gonna be okay? I hope you two aren't upset with each other."
There was a pause at the end of the other line for a moment and after a sigh from the depressed sounding stallion who preferred to be called by his nickname over the radio, he cleared his throat and started speaking again.
"As much as it hurt to hear that she doesn't feel mutually, we're doing fine. So, she and I had a nice talk and got a lot of things off our chests...she and I agreed to remain friends and I couldn't be happier with how things turned out. "
"That's great news, Finzy!" Cadence beamed. "I know things like this can be tough when you have feelings for somepony that aren't mutual but you have a good friend in her. Don't get discouraged, you're a great guy and you will find somepony who sees that, you understand me?"
"Th-thanks Cadence, I just *sniff* I really thought we had something going here and I got so attached, you know? I...you're right. I'm not even thirty yet, I'll meet a girl who I can go out of my way to make happy! Good things come to those who wait, right? Someday I WILL find somepony I can spoil and call my own!"
"That's the spirit!"
"See, to have somepony who I can just spend my time making her smile...that alone would make me happier than words can even describe! "
"That...that's just *sniff* that's beautiful. You know what, I want you to pick the first song of the night, okay? Any song you want!"
"Aww, thanks! Can you play Starship's 'Nothing's Gonna Stop us'?"
"Done! You have a great night!"
With the press of a button and the flip of a switch, Cadence was off the air for the time being where she would take a quick break to play a song over the airwaves. She rather enjoyed talking with ponies who had a good understanding of what love was truly about and it was a breath of fresh air to converse with them after dealing with those who hadn't a clue. As the song neared its end and Cadence prepared to get back on the air, she made a mental note to invite her favorite caller to spend time with her and Shining Armor next time he called as she wished to cheer the former up.
"Welcome back, everypony!" Cadence beamed. "I, the Princess of love am ready to answer any questions you might have, just a reminder, please keep it clean as we're on live! Hi, you're on the air!"
"You bitch, she totally hated it! " An irate and familiar sounding stallion shouted.
"What did I just say!?"
"You said I should slap that mare at the bar on the ass! "
"I gave up trying to convince you otherwise. So lemme guess..."
"She picked me right up and tossed me out the door! "
"Heheheh, yeah that sounds like Auntie Tia, alright!"
"I am so gonna sue you! "
"Good luck with that!"
Click!
"Another lesson learned!" Cadence beamed as she again tried to make the best out of a frustrating moment. "Tonight's big tip when it comes to showing somepony that you're interested, smacking them on the butt is not the right way to go about it."
Cadence paused for a moment to glance over at the phone lines to see not a single one was blinking. This was the perfect time to resume the explanation of a point she wished to get across to those listening and since she had an impressive number of ponies with their ears glued to their radios, she took advantage of the opportunity.
"See, we're all adults here." Cadence continued. "I for one love getting a nice firm love tap once in a while...provided that it's my husband on the giving end. Now, if you're out and you just up and smack somepony's rump, well, if both parties aren't having fun, than nopony is. Expressions like that...well, any expressions of interest that involve any kind of physical contact should be mutually enjoyed. Look, bottom line, know somepony before you do something like that! For good measure, make sure you're already in a relationship with them and if you've both already been sexually active with each other...well, let's just say if you've done other things, a slap on the tush is pretty tame in comparison. Now that I've gotten that across, I'm gonna take the next caller! Hi, you're on the air, what's on your mind?"
"Oh man, that last caller you had was such a loser!" A stallion chuckled.
"Despite that I'm supposed to be unbiased and impartial, I agree!" Cadence replied.
"Yeah, I mean what kind of moron whines and bitches about how they wanna get pussy whipped like that?"
"Wait, what? Which caller are you talking about?"
"That idiot who got friendzoned! Hahahaha, he'll never get any action!"
"That so-called loser...is my friend."
"Whoa, calm down over there! Jeez, I can hear your teeth cracking apa-"
"He is a gentlecolt and you will not speak of him that way!! There are mares out there who would give up so much to be with somepony who treats them the way he does and he is destined to find true happiness!! Guys like him will live love-filled lives while guys like you ...get...nothing...but cheap hookups!! Good day!!"
Click!
It was then and there that Cadence knew that she had lost her composure rather badly and though it felt good to put somepony in their rightful place, she needed to avoid losing her mind like that again. A lot depended on keeping her cool and if she wanted the show to continue, she needed to remain calm. Though it may prove difficult with such mindless gonzos calling the show, she absolutely had to avoid shouting like that. While she sipped on a little cup of cold water she levitated over to herself from an office cooler in the studio, she prepared the next song so as to buy herself the time to calm herself.
"Sorry about that, everypony." Cadence said. "For now, let's just take a break and relax to Climie Fisher! Love Changes Everything!"
The beautiful musical masterpiece played on nearly every radio throughout Canterlot and beyond, even the Crystal Empire. Cadence was now completely calm after practicing her relaxing breathing exercises but sadly, that would be rather short lived due to the strange, almost creepy heavy breathing coming from the latest caller.
"Um, you're...on the air?" Cadence said with a shudder.
"C-Cadence...ooohhh my god, I love it when you're like that..." A creepy stallion said, his voice low and sultry. "W-when you get all bossy and put ponies in their place like that...gahh, I just want you to throw yourself at me and beat me like a-" "
"Not now, Shining Armor!!"
Click!
After hanging up on her goofball of a husband, Cadence quickly regained her ever dwindling composure and went straight to the next caller. At this point, she had very little patience left and she even bagan snickering out of borderline madness.
"Oookay, how about the next caller?" Cadence chuckled as she answered the next line.
"Screw you, I like cheap hook ups! " A stallion from before yelled.
Click!
"Okay, if there are any sane ponies out there tonight, for the love of all that is the very concept of love, please call this show! Okay, next caller, are you sane? Heheheheheh, are you a sane pony?"
"I uhh...I hope so." A depressed sounding stallion said, bringing a sigh of relief to the love Princess.
"Finzy! Oh my gosh, I'm so glad you called again! It has been an absolute nightmare tonight and you have no idea how great it is to hear from somepony who holds love to as high a regard as you do!"
"I heard what that other guy said about me. Thanks for standing up for me like that. I've just been...I've been in a real funk lately ever since she set things straight. I mean she's really been great about it though, she didn't just...rip my heart out and leave me to bleed I guess. She's always been willing to talk about it and she's been supportive of my emotions and stuff. "
"That's very nice of her, Finzy! See, she's a good friend! She may not have the feelings towards you that you had for her but it sounds like you both are on great terms! Now, don't ever let anypony make you think you're less of a pony because you're kind to others! Ponies like that are the ones who never find true love and it's ponies like you who find that special somepony who will come into your life and completely change your world by becoming your world!"
"Amen to that, sister! I'm gonna make a lucky lady very happy someday! I pity the next douchebag who thinks screwing around is the way to go! "
"That confidence! Keep it up! Oh, I almost forgot!"
"What's that? "
"Well, I wanted to ask you if you would like to spend some time with me and Shining Armor sometime. We're going to a convention in Baltimare and we'd both like you to join us! You could use a vacation and some time with friends! What do you say?"
After Cadence asked her question, there was a long pause on the other line. While the Princess waited for a response, it sounded as if there was a commotion of sorts taking place in the background. It seemed as if Finzy was mentally juggling both the sounds of ponies angrily shouting and an answer to Cadence's question. Finally, he gathered himself enough to make a single rational thought.
"Ah, sorry, I'm at work right now. " Finzy said as he snapped out of a daze. "A bunch of customers are giving my new employee a hard time...Uh, so...I dunno, Cadence, I gotta put in my seventy-five hours a week here. Ponies started demanding that I keep my store open twenty-four/seven so that leaves me here all day and night. "
"Finzy, that's not healthy!" Cadence said, clear worry evident in her tone. "Please take a break and hang out with me and my husband! You should make time to spend with friends!"
"Well...uh, when's this convention?"
"In August."
"Gimme a sec. "
After a light click that Cadence assumed to be Finzy setting his phone down, she listened carefully as the tapping of his hooves could be heard heading to another room in the building. The creaking sound of a door being pushed open was followed by the angry shouts of what must have been Finzy's customers quickly growing louder. Being the owner and manager of the business, Cadence could hear his voice as he tried his best to quell an argument until his own patience reached a point similar to her own. After a few more taps of his hooves coming closer to the phone, he finally picked up again.
"Cadence? " Finzy said calmly.
"Yes?" Cadence replied with great anticipation.
"Consider my schedule cleared. Now if you'll excuse me...I've gotta go take out the trash. "
"I'm so glad you decided to take a break, Finzy! Shining and I will look forward to seeing you!"
Click!
"Okay, looks like we have time for one more caller before I play the next song!" Cadence beamed, feeling much better than before. "I'll let you request the next one! Hi, you're on the air!"
"How do I get her to leave? " A stallion asked over the airwaves.
"Beg your pardon?"
"I just got done smashing this bitch but she's still here at my place. "
"Here we go again..."
"It's not like I like her or anything, how do I get her to leave? "
"I refuse to answer that! How is it that so many ponies are so clueless!? I'm the Princess of Love, not cheap one-night stands!"
"What's the difference? "
Meanwhile, at an apartment in Canterlot...
"Hello?" A douchebag of a stallion said as he held a phone to his ear. "Are you there? I need to know how to-gack!"
Without any warning whatsoever, a pair of pink hooves shot out of the phone and tightly wrapped around the stallion's throat. Cadence used her alicorn magic to literally reach into the phone she used in the studio to punish this pony for his blasphemy and taking the name of love in vain. Cadence had put up with a great deal of ponies spitting on the very concept of love and this one had pushed her past the breaking point.
Meanwhile, at the Crystal Palace...
A white coated unicorn stallion with a brilliant blue mane listened to his radio intently at the commotion going on over the airwaves, his eyes resembling saucers. The gasping and wheezing of the stallion along with the angry growls of the mare choking him were pushing Shining Armor to a point of his own. He continued to listen as sweat poured down his face until he could finally hear some sort of coherent dialog.
"Yeah, how do you like that, you prick!? " Cadence shouted as she strangled the stallion.
"Aaack! Guh, har-gack-der! " The stallion gasped.
"What!? "
"Gack! I said...harder! "
"Big mistake!! "
At this point, Shining Armor could no longer sit idly by and allow the struggle to go on. As fast as his legs could carry him in the state he was in, he took the portable radio in his aura and galloped straight to the restroom, grabbing hold of a bottle of lotion and box of tissues along the way. With the door slammed shut and locked tight, he would continue listening to the program in private.
Ten minutes later...
"You wanted to see me, director?" Cadence asked as she trotted into an office at the radio station, knowing fully what to expect.
"Yeah um...promise me you won't be mad." The mare at the desk said, trying to put it as delicately as possible.
"I'm fired aren't I?"
"Yeahhh...sorry."
"I guess I saw that coming."
"I uh...I hate to be the bearer of bad news but that's not all."
"What the...for Celestia's sake, what else could go wrong!?"
"This lawyer stopped by. Apparently you're being sued."
"There exists scum that would take a case like that!?"
"Lawyer? Scum? What's the difference?"
"Touche."
Twilight: Parts Specialist
For many ponies, helping a friend is simply something you do in life and after the fact, it makes both the helper and the helped feel good. For Twilight Sparkle, the Princess of Friendship, it was just another day at the office but tonight, she was literally in an office. A friend and now technically her boss needed somepony to help him work a graveyard shift at his auto supply store as none of his other employees were willing to do so. Normally, he would be open from seven in the morning until nine o'clock at night but since he had received dozens of complaints regarding closing too early, he reluctantly agreed to simply try out the twenty-four hour idea.
As Twilight Sparkle sat in a chair on the opposite side of a desk, the door behind her opened quickly and clicked shut just as quickly without being slammed. A red pegasus stallion with a light brown mane and tail, green eyes and thick-framed glasses took a seat on the side of the desk opposite of Twilight and picked up a clipboard with a hoof and a pen in his mouth. After making a few adjustments to some of the paperwork clipped to the board, he tossed it back down onto the desk and sighed as he rubbed his temples out of frustration. He knew he would have to acknowledge the lavender mare sitting across from him eventually and in truth, he felt that he really owed it to her so he cleared his throat and looked at Twilight with his tired, dark ringed eyes.
"Thanks so much for helping me tonight, Twilight." The stressed out stallion said softly, his voice sounding as if he were about to fall asleep.
"It's no problem, Mr. Finz." Twilight replied to her new boss with a smile.
"Oh, there's no need to be formal. I'm only a few years older than you, Just call me Caddy like you usually do."
"Ah, right. Well, thanks for bringing me aboard! I've always wanted to try my hoof at the auto industry. Even though this job is parts retail, I can put my engineering expertise to work and I bet we can get a lot accomplished!"
"Excellent! Alright, Twilight, here's your uniform and this is your password to the cash tills."
Caddy then hoofed a red polo shirt accompanied by a black and white checkered bowtie much like his neck tie over to Twilight. A small piece of paper with a five digit number stuck out of the pocket of the shirt as to allow the new employee to implement use of the store's POS system. Unbeknownst to the Princess of Friendship, she had just gotten herself into the most brutal, unforgiving, and soul crushing industry known to ponykind; retail.
"Okay so that's pretty much how the registers and the parts lookup system works." Caddy said as he gave Twilight a brief tour of his store and how things work. "Pretty self explanatory. Let's see, I showed you how we answer the phones here and where all the parts and product is stored sooo...I think that should cover it. Any questions?"
"Absorbed it all like a sponge, Caddy!" Twilight beamed with a smile.
"Excellent, because it's time for me to call that Radio station I love so much. I'll be in my office in case you need me. Basically, you'll just be front and facing, helping any customers we get and stuff like that. Um, there's coffee in the break area out back and a twelve gauge under the counter sooo...yeah, I guess that's about it. Thanks again!"
"You bet!"
As she thought for a moment about what was just said to her, the fact that her boss was packing heat underneath the counter where Twilight would be spending most of her time did make her slightly nervous. Come to think of it, the store was located in one of the less than friendly neighborhoods so late night robberies weren't uncommon in this part of town. Being as though she had singlehoofedly defeated Tirek among other baddies however, any would-be trouble makers wouldn't prove to really be much trouble to begin with. Surely, the shotgun wouldn't be needed.
The first task of the shift entailed front and facing the products on the shelves that Caddy's other employees left untouched. As Twilight used her magic to rearrange the oil filter display and prepared to straighten up the bottles of engine coolant, she took a good look around the store. The floors were dusty, the Pennzoil(R) display had a puddle of leakage under the bottles of 10W30 and even the air filters were crammed onto their shelves out of numerical order. Twilight was glad to see that there were many ways she could help her friend with his store but furrowed her brow at the idea of a nice boss like Caddy having such lazy employees and she felt he deserved better.
Meanwhile, in Caddy's office...
"Oh, yeah we're fine, it's just..." The depressed red pegasus said as he spoke on the phone to a local radio show host. "She finally told me what I needed to hear...as much as hurt to hear that she doesn't feel mutually, we're doing fine. She and I had a nice talk and got a lot of things off our chests..."
Back on the sales floor...
Twilight had accomplished her first task of the night having found and removed a leaking bottle of Pennzoil(R) that had apparently been nicked with a box cutter and the employee working at the time simply ignored it and stuck it on the shelf. With that out of the way and properly disposed of, she could now mop up the puddle since the source was no longer there. Just as she was finishing up and ringing out the mop in the bucket however, a new task in the form of a ding from the front entrance meant that anything else would have to wait.
"Hi! Welcome to The Caddy's Finz Auto Supplies!" Twilight beamed as she greeted a customer who trotted in. "Can I help you find anyth-"
"Piss off!" The customer, a young stallion retorted with a glare. "I know what I'm looking for!"
The stallion trotted past Twilight whose mouth hung wide open at the sudden and uncalled for rudeness of somepony whom she offered help. At a loss for words, Twilight trotted back over to the counter where she would be ready once the customer was finished shopping and ready to pay. Perhaps this stallion was just having a bad day? Be that as it may, there was still no reason to blow up on somepony simply doing their job.
"Hey! I can't find the windshield wipers!" The stallion yelled out. "Why aren't you helping me find them!?"
"With all due respect, sir..." Twilight began nervously as she trotted over to assist. "You did just so graciously inform me that you didn't require nor desire my help. The wipers are...right in front of you."
"Well, hurry up and put 'em on my car, smartass!"
"How about try talking to her like an equine being?" A cold, raspy voice said from the other end of the isle. The red stallion whom Twilight was helping with his business stood with his wings flared and a smoldering cigar sticking from his teeth. The look in his eyes accompanied with the dark circles of fatigue meant that the rude customer had given attitude to the wrong employee. "You can either apologize to her and then we can help you...or you can get the hell outta my store!"
Without a word, the frightened customer turned tail and bolted out of the store, again leaving Twilight speechless and her boss snorting out of anger. Finally, they both calmed down and took a moment to talk about what just happened.
"In all my years doing this..." Caddy began. "I have never talked to one of my customers like that."
"Wow, what made you do that this time?" Twilight asked, flabbergasted.
"I'm tired, Twilight. I'm just so, so Celestia damned tired. Nice job with the Pennzoil(R), by the way. I'm going out back for some coffee."
With that, the owner and manager of the store turned around and slowly trotted his exhausted self to the break room for a pick me up leaving Twilight to shrug off the incident as just a first day fluke. Little did she know however, that one rude stallion would set the tone for the remainder of tonight's shift.
The lavender alicorn then took to rearranging the boxed air filters by part number and dusting off the shelves while she was at it. Not only were the numbers off, the brands were a jumbled up mess as well. After taking a few minutes to organize them and place them accordingly, Twilight was quite happy with her work but again left miffed at other employees before her. Even when exhausted, the boss still noticed a job well done and took the time to compliment one's work. It just when she was sliding the last box into place that the phone rang and needed to be attended to.
"Thanks for calling The Caddy's Finz!" Twilight greeted as she answered the phone. "This is Twilight, Speaking. How can I help you?"
"Uh, yeah ummm... " A stallion on the other end began. "So, the belt on my chevy blazer broke. Did that damage anything else? "
"I uh...I'm sorry, sir, I wouldn't be able to tell you over the phone."
"Whadda you mean you can't tell me!? You're supposed to be a professional! "
"Nopony can tell over the phone, sir, trust me, it's all vis-"
"Screw you! "
Click!
"Are you kidding me!?"
Now rather irritated by how ponies were treating her and her friend, Twilight took slow, deep breaths as she trotted back over to headlight bulbs where she would front and face the boxes to make the planogram look presentable. Not long after she began however, a stallion trotted in and headed to the same isle where Twilight was working. Surely this one would be halfway decent to deal with.
"You're gonna pay for that, right?" Twilight asked as she observed the stallion head towards the door with a sixty bit set of headlight bulbs.
"Nope." The stallion said firmly, as if he felt simply entitled to the product he was stealing.
"The hell you're not!" Caddy Finz retorted as he snatched the product back and shoved the stallion out the door.
"I'll never shop here again!"
"As if I'd want you to!"
The irate boss of the store then softened his expression as he turned back to Twilight, his flared wings calming down as well.
"Don't let anypony make you feel like you gotta put up with that crap." Caddy said. "I'm definitely not in the mood tonight."
"Does this happen often?" Twilight asked.
"Shoplifting? Yeah, only about twenty or so times a day. When you see that and...wait...did you...rearrange those air filters?"
Before Twilight could answer, her exhausted manager broke down into a sobbing mess and stumbled over to his employee with his arms as open as his delicate emotions.
"Oh my gahahahahawd, you fixed the..." Caddy sobbed as he hugged an immensely worried Twilight. "Th-thank you so muhuhuhch!"
"Caddy?" Twilight asked, not hesitating to return her friend's hug. "Do your other employees do...anything?"
"N-no, they just *sniff* they just sit around and when I ask them to do anything, they just whine and bitch about it. All I get is 'what do you expect for twenty bits an hour?'"
"You pay them that well and they treat you like that!?"
"I like to think I'm a good boss...I dunno. I uh, I'll be in my office. I need to think for a while."
With that, Caddy retreated back to his office where he would listen to his favorite radio station as he filled out paperwork, leaving Twilight at the sales floor to clean up from where the other dead weight left off. There was still much to do but Twilight made a mental note to address her employer's seemingly extreme fatigue and convince him to take some time off. The twenty-four/seven idea would end up being his death and she knew it.
"Sweep sweep sweepedy sweepers..." Twilight hummed to herself as she pushed a broom through each isle of the store. A customer trotted in so the floors would have to wait.
"Welcome!" Twilight greeted with a smile as she trotted to the counter. "What can I do for you?"
"You sold me the wrong damn oil filter!"
"Did I now?"
Twilight's patience was wearing rather thin at this point but nevertheless, she had a job to do and a friend to help.
"Yeah! You better fix this!" The mare demanded.
"Okay, first off, I myself did not sell you that as I've only been here for an hour, however..." Twilight said before being cut off.
"Are you disagreeing with me!?"
"No...not at all, ma'am. What's the year, make, and model of your car?"
"Two thousand and two chevy cavalier."
"And the engine?"
"Two point two liter inline four ecotec."
"That filter they sold you earlier is correct."
"No it's not!"
"How so?"
"It's the wrong color!"
Twilight was now nearing a point where she would throw any and all politeness to the wind and she worried that she may be a lot meaner than her boss in that regard. To have this argument with this customer in the first place was a chore but to find out that she disputed the fit and function of the product over something as irrelevant as color was making the counter mare's blood boil.
"The color of an oil filter doesn't matter, ma'am." Twilight said firmly.
"Whatever! I want my money back anyway!" The mare retorted.
"Got a receipt?
"No!"
"Uh huh..."
Twilight then opened the box to find a cartridge style oil filter black and completely drenched in used, smelly motor oil and raised a brow at the now even angrier customer. Clearly, she was trying to return something she already used in order to get a refund.
"What, you don't trust me!?" The mare gasped, offended that Twilight would dare inspect the item and not just take her word for it.
"This is used." Twilight said firmly.
"Is not!"
"Okay, then answer me this..."
"You're the one Who answers to me you little punk!"
"Then why is the box you just brought me a Purolator(R) while this used filter says 'Fram(R)' on it!?"
"It's a Fram(R) filter I bought here!"
"We don't carry Fram(R) filters!!"
For the customer looking to pull one over on the savvy cashier, the jig was up but before cutting her losses, she decided to get back at the employee for not allowing it. Without warning, the mare used her unicorn aura to lift the nasty, oil covered filter out of the box and jam the end onto the tip of Twilight's horn before galloping out the door, mumbling about the poor service she had just experienced. As Twilight quickly removed the filter from her horn and wiped the oil from her brow, another stallion trotted in. Surely he would break the chain and be remotely pleasant.
"What can I do for you, sir?" Twilight asked, trying her absolute best to be friendly.
"Yeah, it turns out my car didn't need these brake pads." The stallion said with a semi friendly tone as he set a box of brake pads and a receipt on the counter.
The attitude of this customer was decent. He gently set the item on the counter rather than slamming it and upon inspection, the parts were clean and unused and the customer didn't seem to mind her checking. He even brought a receipt! So far so good. There was just one problem.
"We don't carry this brand, sir." Twilight said firmly but politely. "The receipt even says 'EAPA' on it."
"Well yeah, I bought these from the EAPA store down the street." The stallion said. "They're closed at this hour so I'd like to get a refund here."
"Sir..."
"Yes?"
"I can't give you a refund for an item that you bought from a different store."
"Why not?"
"Because we never sold it to you in the beginning. You bought it from a completely different company."
"So?"
"So...we're not affiliated with EAPA."
"You're not?"
"No...we're not."
"But you're an auto parts store."
"That we are."
"And they're an auto parts store too."
"Correct."
"Sooo...you're not affiliated with them?"
"Precisely."
"And you're not going to give me a refund for these?"
"We are not."
"Do you have a manager I could speak to?"
"I do."
With a giant grin slapped onto her sweating face, Twilight turned around and trotted to the manager's office to retrieve Caddy whom of which would tell the stallion the same exact thing she did. With a furrowed brow, cigar in his teeth and a cup of coffee in hoof, the boss followed his employee back to the unreasonable customer whom of which he would set the record straight with.
"What seems to be the problem?" Caddy asked the customer.
"Your employee here is the problem." The stallion retorted.
"Ah ah ah ah, don't make things personal. Leave her out of this and tell me what we can do for you."
"I wanted to return these brake pads."
"You can't return something to a place it never came from."
"So, you're the manager here?"
"I am."
"Well then, get me the owner."
"You're talking to him."
"Then the CEO."
"You know what? You're getting on my nerves. Take your brake pads and get the hell out of my store."
With a gasp at the audacity of a store worker talking to him like that, the stallion took back his box of brake pads and trotted out the door with his muzzle held high as if he had just accomplished something. Both Caddy and Twilight were nearing the point of simply throwing in the towel and throwing down with the next pony unfortunate enough to trot in. After giving each other a nod, Caddy stomped back to his office as he puffed on his cigar and slammed the door, leaving a sizable crack in the shaded window.
It seemed like being the Princess of friendship was rendered null and void the second she put on her shirt and nametag and everypony who entered or called was out to make it known. Though he had operated the store for years, it was tonight that Caddy seemed especially gutsy when it came to standing his ground. There was a great deal of pressure on every side and something had to give. Just when it seemed that all was lost however, Twilight's eyes lit up the store at a familiar face trotting through the front door.
"Princess Luna!" Twilight beamed before noticing the elder Princess' furrowed brow. "Are you having a rough night too?"
"Please do not inquire." The night Princess sighed as she trotted over towards the air freshener and auto interior cleaning section."
"Don't need to. I take it one of your Uber rides had an accident?"
"Right you are. The little snake gave me only four stars too..."
"Yikes! I know how much you prided yourself in your five star reviews."
"Though I shant complain while I enjoy the luxury of my own part time gig. It is you whom I have pity for, thy poor girl you."
"Huh?"
"Retail."
"Oh...Right."
Twilight began to feel better by leaps and bounds as she made small talk with her fellow Princess as the latter shopped around the store for her own automotive needs. Luna filled her cart with everything she would need to remove vomit and clean her upholstery while she browsed through a sales flier, leaving Twilight to continue sweeping the floors as they made chit chat. Luna then remembered that her Lincoln would soon be due for an oil change so she removed six quarts of Mobil1(R) synthetic 5w20 and a premium grade Purolator(R) oil filter from the shelf. Only the best for Luna's precious ride.
With her goods purchased and a receipt printed out and hoofed over, Luna gave Twilight a warm hug and a wave goodbye as she trotted out the door, leaving Twilight at the mercy of the most unforgiving industry. Though feeling a great deal better than before, the royal counter mare feared that it would be short lived. Surely the occupants of a massive old Cadillac pulling into a handicap spot and knocking the sign over would be as pleasant to deal with as how well they drive. Twilight continued to front and face the items on the shelves as she waited for the old couple in the giant car with the smashed up back end to enter.
Much to Twilight's confusion, the couple of old ponies who had as much business driving as they had being out awake at this hour simply sat in their spot as if waiting for something. Finally, after five or so minutes, the old stallion in the driver's seat shook his head in disapproval and shifted his gargantuan land yacht into reverse, knocked over a fire hydrant, and slowly putt putted away at a slug's pace. For a rare moment, Twilight would find herself relieved until the phone rang.
"Thanks for calling The Caddy's Finz." Twilight greeted. "This is Princess Twilight. How can I hel-"
"Are you working alone, young lady? " A stallion on the other end cut her off.
"No, I have my boss here wit-"
"Put a stallion on the phone. "
Twilight Sparkle had let a great many of sins slide but she refused to allow this stallion to get away with this one. Normally, she would leave the putting ponies into their places for the boss but this one needed to be dealt with by her and her only.
"Did I just hear you right?" Twilight retorted.
"Listen, what you're doing over there is a stallion's job." The insufferable bastard said. "So, why don't you be a good little mare and go get the stallion in charge so he can look up my parts. Kay?"
"Bitch, I was working with the engineers that designed your car!! When I go car shopping I take shit apart all the way down to the combustion chambers!! You know that number sixty-nine monte-carlo at the Appaloosa Races!? I was on the pit crew!! I built that bitch!! You want me to put a guy on the phone!?"
"..."
"Too bad!"
Click!
"Now that felt good!"
No sooner than Twilight smacked the phone down, did the other line start ringing.
"The Caddy's Finz." Twilight answered, a massive fake grin plastered on her face as she neared the bring of a meltdown.
"Hello? " The shaky voice of a much older stallion said. "Hello? Is anypony there? "
"Yes, I'm here! What can I do for you sir!?"
"What!? Speak up a bit! "
"Oh for the love of...What can I do for you, sir!?"
"My wife and I sat and waited in your parking lot for five minutes...and nopony came out to check our tire pressure and top off our fluids and wipe our windshield! "
"We don't offer those services here, sir!"
"What kind of service station are you ponies running over there!?
"Sir! We're not a service station! We don't do those things here!"
"What a terrible employee!" Said a voice in front of Twilight on the other side of the counter. "You should be fired for shouting at your customers like that!"
Twilight's pupils shrank to the size of pin pricks as she turned her gaze forward to see a sea of angry looking ponies who have all just decided to flood the store at the same time. Weather it be from having to wait more than three seconds of simply just because others seemed upset, everypony in the entire store had something to complain about and Twilight's status as a Princess did absolutely nothing to help her. Not that she ever liked to pull the "do you know who I am" card, regardless, it was just no use.
Twilight's ears folded back as the crowd became angrier and borderline destructive, some ponies stooping as low as knocking things off the shelves for no other reason than to give the employees a hard time. As the shouts grew louder and louder still, salvation in the form of a clicking and clacking sound of a familiar set of hooves approaching from behind was granted. Never before did Twilight ever think she'd be so happy to smell those nasty cigars her boss seemed to always have in his mouth.
"What's going on here!?" Caddy shouted to the crowd of rowdy customers. "Can you ponies just calm down for a second!? Anypony!? Huh!?"
It was no use. His pupils followed suit with Twilight's as the shouting and name calling from the crowd drilled its way into their heads and drowned out their own breathing and even their heartbeats. For the two ponies at the counter, it was their impending mental breakdowns that would need to be quelled before somepony got hurt.
"Twilight?" Caddy said. "Excuse me for a moment."
Very slowly and casually, Caddy Finz trotted back to his office where he picked up a phone with another pony waiting for him on the other line. After attending to his friend on the other end, Caddy would declare his store closed.
"Cadence?" Caddy asked as he opened a drawer on his desk and pulled out a box of shotgun shells. "Consider my schedule cleared. Now if you'll excuse me...I've gotta go take out the trash."
Click!
As to not leave his employee and friend at the mercy of the merciless crowd for a moment longer than necessary, Caddy trotted back to the front counter and stood by her side. Both Twilight and Caddy glanced at one another and almost as if communicating telepathically, they gave each other a firm nod as the latter reached under the counter to introduce another friend of his.
"Alright, everypony out!!" Caddy shouted as he pulled a dual barreled shotgun from under the counter before firing a shot in the air. "Hey! I see you hiding over there! Out! Out!"
The ponies in the store needed no further instruction and they all galloped out the front door as quickly as their legs could possibly carry them. After waving the shotgun around and letting out another shot to scare off any stragglers trying to hide behind the radiators, the fed up pegasus opened the breach of his gun and pulled the two spent shells out before putting two fresh ones in their place. Now that they both knew everypony was out of the building, they could put their next plan into motion.
"Twilight! Catch!" Caddy hollered as he tossed to his employee a can filled with a flammable auto fuel additive. Knowing exactly what to do, Twilight uncapped the canister and began running up and down the isles, leaving puddle after puddle of the fluid in her wake. While the crazed Princess continued dousing the floors with any flammable liquid she could find, the boss blasted loads of buckshot through every bottle of motor oil he could lay his eyes on. The only task left for the night was to close up shop indefinitely.
"You ready, Twi!?" Caddy asked as he took one last puff of his cigar.
"I've been ready, boss!" Twilight replied.
"Insurance money! Come to papa!!"
As he and Twilight stood out by the front entrance, the crazed pegasus lobbed his lit stogie into the store and they both watched as it came in contact with the fluids on the floors where it then burst into flames. Within seconds, the flames spread and ignited even more of the bottles and cans that had not yet been spilled and before they could begin to think about what they had just done, the whole store was engulfed. Just like that, the two ponies who had to endure the torment that is retail were free.
"Hey, Twi." Caddy Finz said as he and his royal friend slowly trotted away from the raging inferno.
"Yeah, Caddy?" Twilight replied.
"What's the story gonna be when ponies hear about a crazy pegasus waving a shotgun around?"
"Why, that crazy pegasus was doing nothing more than defending a Princess from an angry mob as far as I'm concerned."
"Uh huh. And the fire?"
"Retail. Enough said."
And then they went to Caddy's place and made sweet, passionate love.
Author's Note
I stooped to the level of putting my own OC in there. Now I have to live with myself. Don't hate me...please...
Edit: the image you see above of Caddy and Twilight basking in their post boss/employee coital bliss was made by my friend Mix-up.
It's no surprise that the typical Princess has a jam packed schedule all day, every day, save for when they are sleeping. Over the recent years with the addition of Twilight Sparkle and Cadence to bear some of the weight of Equestria and the Crystal Empire respectively, Celestia and her sister Luna have had more time to themselves. After all, it was not until a mere seven years ago that Celestia was overseeing Equestria all on her own and was spared half the burden once her sister returned to rule by her side.
Excluding Cadence's daughter and Twilight Sparkle's niece Flurry Heart, Equestria and their neighbor to the North had a total of four active Princesses for the workload to be distributed to. Therefore, they would each receive a day or two or perhaps an evening in which they could either do absolutely nothing or find something to occupy their time. None of them ever had an appreciation for simply sitting around so the latter of the two choices seemed an easy pick.
Much to Celestia's pleasant surprise, her search for a part time job was short lived as the very first establishment she applied for promptly called her for an interview and gave her the job. Be it that the nervous manager was afraid to say no to his Princess or because he was genuinely impressed by her self taught drink mixing skills, he hoofed over a name badge, a black bowtie and a white pressed shirt with the bar's logo on the front. Perhaps he felt that having the Princess of the sun herself behind the bar would draw in more business. Whatever the reason, she had gotten a simple part time gig and could show everypony that contrary to popular belief, she was a down to Earth girl and knew how to have fun.
It was nine o'clock on a Friday night and ponies began to shuffle in on Celestia's first night on the job. The bar was a clean, respectable establishment aptly named Ritz-ease within an upscale neighborhood but nopony expected to see a white coated alicorn behind the counter as she greeted her customers with a bright smile. The general manager stood near the corner of the large room sweating bullets as he watched with great anticipation as the ponies entering the building appeared torn on what to do. They were there to unwind and relax after a hard day's work and partake in a few drinks but somepony who they dare not behave unprofessionally in the presence of was the one serving the cocktails. They pondered simply turning around and trotting out to go elsewhere but on the contrary, doing so would risk insulting her royal highness and that was the last thing they wanted. What happened next could make or break tonight's business and be the difference between the manager's bonus and a pink slip with his name on it.
"Hey, what's up, everypony?" Celestia called out in the most casual manner she knew how. "Come on in, take a seat, stay for a while!"
It seemed to be working. The casual, laid back demeanor that Princess Celestia was not known for along with the sweet smile appeared to be winning the small crowd over. Slowly but surely, a few ponies stepped forward and ordered their first rounds for the night which Celestia promptly and expertly mixed and divvied out to her customers. Being that she has lived for thousands of years, she was able to take the time to learn a lot of things. Not only was she particularly talented with drink mixing, she had even learned how to Speak Ukrainian and build internal combustion engines, the latter with the help of a physicist she once dated back in the eighties. Indeed, she was a jack of many trades and tonight, she felt confident that bartending would be a fun and rewarding experience.
Many of the drinks ponies ordered were simple bottles of beer or cider but as an hour or two ticked by, they started ordering more mixed drinks of which Celestia looked forward to. It was the perfect opportunity to show her subjects that they need not be nervous in her presence and that she could be everypony's friend. Drinks as simple as screwdrivers were slid across the bar to those as complex as White Russians, whatever they may be, she knew how to make them. Martinis, Manehattans, gin and tonic, mojitos, Bloody Marys, Tom Collins, rum and colas, it simply did not matter what was ordered she could make it fast and perfectly. Though it was late at night, the summer heat that crept in each time the door opened started putting ponies in the mood for tropical drinks as well. Be it an ice cold tequila sunrise, a sweet mai tai, or a passion inducing sex on the beach, ponies could wake up the next morning and say something that very few could.
"Princess Celestia got me drunk! Whoo!" A mare cheered as she stumbled out the door after paying her tab.
After realizing she was too intoxicated to fly home, the buzzed pegasus pulled her cell phone out of her purse and opened an app that would be her ticket home without an injury or an FWI arrest. Within seconds, the phone dinged to indicate that an inexpensive ride was en route to the bar and would be picking her up shortly and just minutes later, her transportation arrived. As she held her phone and compared the late model black Lincoln Town Car to the photograph on the driver's Uber Profile, the vehicle slowed down to a stop in front of the drunken mare. Before she could reach for the door handle, a magnificent blue aura took it and opened the door for her indicating as to why the driver had received so many five star reviews.
"Come hither my inebriated comrade!" The driver, a mare beamed as her passenger stumbled into the back seat. "Help thyself to an ale of ginger and I shall operate this yacht of the land in a manner as to avoid further discomfort!"
"Oh hey, I know you!" The mare slurred as the door closed and the car accelerated. "Your that moon pony! I always thought you were hot!"
"Such sweet flattery has earned thee a five star rat-er...hey thanks, I get that a lot."
Back in the Ritz-ease, things were still going smoothly and it seemed that everypony was having a good time. Those who had taken a more slow approach to their drinking were only slightly buzzed if at all. Ponies were becoming much more comfortable with their Princess being their bartender and even began to develop a new respect for her for she was certainly nothing like the typical untight Canterlot snob. Though she was down to Earth, even she had a limited tolerance for nonsense as a stallion who became too comfortable with her would learn the hard way. A hush fell over the crowd of bar patrons as a drunken unicorn gave Celestia a slap on the rump and no sooner than his hoof come in contact with her flank, Celestia put him in his place.
The patrons cheered as Celestia grabbed the stallion by the mane with one hoof and by the tail with the other and tossed him out the front door where he then landed on the other side of the street. As if nothing happened at all, Celestia maintained her composure and trotted back to the bar with her muzzle held high and resumed her the duties of her part time employment as usual.
"Humph. I bet nopony will try that again!" Celestia huffed as she uncapped a bottle and hoofed it over to a patron.
It was a combination of fun and business as usual behind the bar after removing a patron who had gotten too hoofsy but it did boost Celestia's confidence in that ponies find her attractive. In fact, she thought to herself that she actually got somewhat of a thrill by being slapped on the butt but she couldn't let anypony know that. Though tonight she was serving drinks, she was still their Princess and as such she had every right to expect ponies to keep their hooves off but really any mare does. The least she could ask for was to be treated with the respect anypony deserves.
Still everypony appeared to be having fun and were all occupied with a drink of their own and the company of friends of which to converse with, giving Celestia a moment wipe the counter. After freeing the bar from any and all spills created by the buzzed or otherwise clumsy patrons, she began cleaning some of the glassware when she noticed a stallion on the opposite end. This particular unicorn stallion was accompanied by seven empty beer bottles of which of he slowly peeled the label from and judging by the sad look on his face, he must have had a rough day. Being a bartender and having eons of life experience, surely she could find out what was getting him down and maybe even help cheer him up.
"What's got you down, bud?" Celestia asked as she approached the disheveled and unshaven stallion.
"Hm? Oh, jeez, it doesn't even matter anymore." The sulking stallion whimpered as he looked up at the Princess.
"Aw, c'mon. I'm sure it'd make you feel better to just get it off your chest."
"I just...you'll laugh. I've got nopony to blame but myself."
"You'll get no judgement from me. I promise."
The stallion at first appeared to have his mind set on keeping his mouth shut but as he thought for a moment, he seriously considered opening up about his woes. After all, it wasn't often where he or anypony for that matter would get an opportunity to vent to their Princess. Not only that, who better to get advice from than somepony who has lived for thousands of years and seen everything? Surely he had nothing to lose.
"I've been a horrible coltfriend..." The stallion slurred as he began to weep. "She was the be*burp*st thing that ever happened to me..."
The depressed stallion then took another hearty gulp of beer before he proceeded to speak again.
"...And I took her for granted."
"Aww, I'm so sorry to hear that." Celestia said with genuine sincerity. "We all make mistakes though. Some worse than others. I'm no stranger to those, trust me. What happened with my sister a thousand years ago...I often wondered if there was something different I could have done."
"Yeah?"
"Of course! Like everypony else, I'm not flawless and I don't think I ever will be. So, what happened?"
"I treated her so *hic* bad! We were seeing each other for a year and it all started out great. We never argued before and then we started to grow apart a bit...that's when we started fighting about stuff all the time. Can I get *burp* another beer, please?"
Against her better judgment, Celestia popped the cap off another beer bottle and hoofed it over. In the back of her mind, she had a nagging feeling that she should have withheld any more drinks and informed her drunken patron that he had enough. However she had seen him with a cell phone earlier so she figured that he could call for a ride home or dispatch an Uber if need be.
"When was the last time you talked to her?" Celestia asked.
"Uhh...about a month ago now? Maybe a little less. Ahh dammit, I wanna talk to her so bad! I miss her! I...I...I need her! Waahaahahohoh, I'm a wreck without heeerrr!"
"Then you know what you need to do?"
"Wha? Whazzat?"
"You need to go to her and tell her what you just told me! Tell her you know that you screwed up and that you know how badly you need her!"
"You...you think I should do that?"
"Absolutely! You need to tell her that you're a changed pony! That you'll do better!"
"You think that'll work?"
"I can't promise you that it will...but it's worth a shot! You never know unless you try! What could it hurt?"
The stallion tapped his chin as he gave the idea as deep a thought as his drunken state limiting his thinking capacity would allow. Surely it was worth at least to try it. Some time had gone by and he knew his girl didn't typically hold grudges. He ultimately decided that he would do just that and polished off the rest of his beer before reaching into his saddle bag for the bits to pay his tab.
"Hey, you know what?" The intoxicated stallion slurred as he placed his payment along with a nice tip on the counter. "You're right! I'm gonna go tell her how I feel and win her back! Thanks s'much, Princess!"
"That's the spirit! Celestia beamed as her patron stumbled out the door. "Oh! You do plan on waiting until the booze wears off, right? Right? I'm sure he will."
Much like the first mare and others in between, the stallion pulled out his cell phone and after a few taps on the screen, a nearby ride was en route. Oddly enough, the same Lincoln Town Car that picked up several more patrons earlier pulled to the curb and a blue aura of unicorn magic opened the door as the dulled stallion seemed to have trouble placing his hoof on the handle.
"Well, this area is rather busy tonight!" The mare in the driver's seat beamed. "You especially appear to need a soothing ginger ale! Feel free to implement the use of one of my several regurgitation receptacles for I just shampooed the seats!
"Aww, damn, nice car!" The stallion slurred. "Hey, mind if I take one of these ginger ales for my marefriend? I'm going to her place to right some wrongs."
"And there be plenty more from wherest that originates! Now let us be off!"
Celestia, while still behind the bar hadn't heard what her drunken patron had blurted out regarding his destination and for his sake, it would have been better if she had as his judgement was clouded. That would be assuming he even had any left in the first place. Nevertheless, she had forgotten all about him at this point and shrugged the whole thing off, putting any worry to rest. As such, it was time to mix more drinks for the more responsible patrons who had avoided drinking themselves stupid by taking a break. Little did they know however, by ordering a margarita, she single hoofedly though unintentionally may have ruined the night for everypony, though had Celestia not gotten cocky, she could have avoided it.
"One margarita coming up!" Celestia beamed as the ingredients floated around the bar in her aura.
When the night was young, Celestia took great care with any objects her aura would control but as time went on, her confidence went up and as such, her caution was thrown to the wind. Combine that with a lime that was to be sliced floating about on a crash course to the tip of her magically powerful horn, and one would have the makings of some very serious trouble.
"What the..." Celestia said as a very sour juice dripped onto her muzzle.
The Princess looked up to see the small, green citrus fruit impaled on her horn and the acidic juices dripping down on her face. As if she were frozen in the glare of a set of headlights, she couldn't get herself to move as she and she could only watch as a drop of the stinging juice fell to the very center of her right eye.
"Eeeyahahahahowww!" Celestia screamed as the burning sensation in her eye became all too real. "Ow ow ow ow ow! S-somepony get me some water! Quick!"
Instead of anypony coming to her aid, everypony slowly backed away while their Princess flail about as the sparks flying from the tip of her horn were a rather alarming sight. This would become a vicious cycle as the lack of anypony coming to help flush her eyes or at the very least guide her to the restroom where she could do so only added to her frustration. The more frustrated Celestia became, the more intense the sparks flying from her horn grew until smoke even started billowing from it. Ponies in the bar began ducking under tables as it was common knowledge that if something interferes with the eyes of a magically capable pony, their control over their powers goes out the window. If the situation seemed volatile now, the next blow upon the Princess would quickly top it.
"Okay, seriously, somepony needs to help me out here!" Celestia snapped as she blindly waved her hooves in front of her in search of a glass of water she remembered setting down somewhere. "Oh shit, where did I put that damn, friggin'...here!"
It was uncommon for Princess Celestia to curse in public but her modesty was the last thing she cared about and once she flushed her eyes out, she planned on chewing somepony out for allowing her to endure the torment. Now that she had her hooves around what she thought was the container of water, she could finally ease her own pain and regain her composure. Celestia opened her bloodshot, irritated eyes as much as she could as she picked up the container and threw the contents into her face expecting a nice cool shower but instead getting a flurry of margarita salt.
"Ooowaaaaaahhh!!" Celestia screamed as her eyes began to burn even worse.
More and more ponies ducked under tables and several of the wiser ones bolted out the door after tossing a hoof full of bits behind them so they could at least say they didn't sip and skip. As the smoke wafting from Celestia's horn became darker and thicker, one patron in particular even went so far as to expedite the arrival of her Uber. While Celestia had her episode, the mare outside nervously galloped in place, her eyes darting around and a cold sweat pouring down her brow as she anxiously waited for her ride. Meanwhile, more of the drunken patrons stumbled out of the bar as Celestia blindly galloped about and ran into walls, adding to her pain and frustration. After seconds that seemed like years, a black Lincoln Town Car pulled over at the curb to collect the mare with the cell phone who then proceeded to hop in through the open window before the driver completely stopped.
"Drive!! Drive!!" The passenger frantically screamed, prompting a squeal from the car's rear wheels.
Meanwhile, Celestia's conniption back in the bar is beginning to cause damage, the lime on her horn now catching on fire being the least of her worries. As her horn glowed a bright, cherry red, she and the hiding patrons in the bar would soon experience the true terror of their Princess' magic going awol. Once her horn became so hot that the air over her head started to wave, everypony knew it was all over.
KABOOM!!
A sudden blast caused by Celestia's loss of control over her magic was enough to shatter every single square inch of window and every glass bottle in the entire building. Even the most durable of objects including the heavy pool table and bulky jukebox were not spared damage and were tossed against the outer walls as if they were mere toys. Patrons within the smoke filled bar who were still conscious were now dazed and covered in soot which complimented their scrapes and bruises. Slowly but surely, the smoke began to disperse and the tall figure behind where the counter used to be began to tremble after blowing out the small flame on the tip of her horn. Now that Celestia could see that she had just destroyed the entire bar, she knew that her job there was most certainly no more and she would turn in her charred uniform shortly after she cleared everypony out.
"Um...l-last c-call?"
