Gee, Tempest, Why Are You So Tall?
Twilight smiled. She wasn't normally one for bars, but the drinks were flowing, the buzz was kicking in, the food was better than she remembered bar food being, the other patrons were leaving her alone, and most importantly, she was hanging out with a new friend!
"...so that's why Grubber is banned from Trottingham curling games."
Twilight snapped back into the present, shaking her head vigorously. "Oh wow! Funny story! Haha!"
Her companion, Tempest Shadow (née Fizzlepop Berrytwist), a large dark unicorn with a broken horn, eyed her doubtfully. "Not to, uh, be rude, Your Highness, but, um, you seem distracted. I mean, I know you're probably worried about what everypony is thinking, seeing you socializing with a former enemy of the state, and whether I am actually your friend or just saving face, or why the Storm King made so many rookie mistakes, or..."
Twilight stopped her. "No no, it's not that. In order: You didn't violate any laws of war (Although you're not off the hook yet.), I'm pretty good at identifying genuine friendship (It's in my job description), and like many villains, the Storm King was brought down in part by his own hubris. But you are right, I've had something on my mind."
Tempest leaned forward slightly tipsily, "Well, what is it?!"
Twilight cleared her throat. "Tempest, why are you so tall?"
The mare in question was--perhaps surprisingly--not taken aback. (She probably gets asked a lot, thought Twilight)
"That's what's been eating you? Well, I'm glad you asked." She turned to the bar tender. "Fruity, another Manehattan dry. It's story time!"
Twilight nibbled at her hay burger (a predicable order, she conceded) as her friend began her tale.
"Well, as you know ~~from my villain song montage~~, I lost my horn when I was just a filly. Doctors tried to transplant it back on, but the damage was too extensive and the graft wouldn't hold. I was stuck with a broken horn.
As you can imagine, this lead to a severe inferiority complex on my part. I was devastated. And you know what assholes kids can be. All the other fillies and colts thought I was a fucking freak. Yeah, my mom was like 'don't mind them, we still love you, blah blah blah', but when you're a kid who's an outcast, words are... are small consolation for... for actual bullying. Sorry, I'm... I'm getting a little emotional."
Twilight wrapped her in a comforting wing. Well, tried to. The alcohol turned it into more of an awkward pat on the head. But the intention was there. "Why don't you skip ahead to the part where you get tall."
"Right, right. Yeah. Point being, I grew up an outcast. Edgy loner. Did you know I was actually a Hot Trotpic employee at one point!"
Twilight giggled. "I... (hic) I can totally picture it."
"Right, so the years go by, and I--after uh, a lot of angsty diary entries and hackneyed emo bands, I come to to the conclusion that, hey, maybe if I can't get respect out of, you know, supposed common pony decency, I'll just have to earn it through it through uh... intimidation."
Twilight leaned in. "What was that?"
Tempest sighed. "Ugh, I wanted to be intimidating! Total Edgefest! Friend of General Zoi! I wanted to be tall and scary and intimidating. But that was just the problem. The trauma of the accident and the bullying had really fucked with my diet and nerves, and I was actually a little stunted. nothing too bad, but you know, like, Rainbow Dash's height. And that just wouldn't do."
"Okay, so get on with it! What'd you do?"
"Alright alright, so, there was this sorcerer who lived at the edge of town. Other townponies kind of avoided, err, totally avoided him, so naturally I felt a kinship."
"Oh, like Zecora!" Twilight interjected.
"I don't know who that is, but sure. So anyway, on my nineteenth birthday, I work up the courage to ask him if he could, you know, make me taller."
"And what he'd say?"
"Oh you know, at first he gave the same old spiel about loving who you are, and the dangers of dark magic, the whole basketload. It took a bit of... convincing to get him to see things my way."
Twilight gave her a deadpan look. "You threatened him, didn't you?"
Tempest blushed nervously. "Look, I'm... not proud of who I was as an individual back then. Or, uhhhh, until about--" she paused to tally time "--uh, two-and-a-half weeks ago."
"Hey, that's the past. I've had my share of mistakes too. I mean, I never tried to conquer and destroy Equestria because my friends abandoned me, but..."
It was Tempest's turn to glare.
"Sorry, sorry! That was uncalled for. This is why--well, part of why I don't drink more often. I turn into heh Twilight Snarkle. *snrk*."
Tempest was not amused. Well, she tried to be not amused. Despite her best efforts she cracked a smile. "You done?"
Twilight took a big breath. "YoushouldreallytalktoStarlightshealsotriedtodestroyEquestriabecauseshelostafriend. Okay, now I'm done. Carry on."
Tempest paused to take another sip of her Manehattan as the crowd continued to bustle around them--thankfully ignoring the two. (Twilight had cast a mild shield of boringness to ward off the stares, but Tempest didn't need to know that.)
"Right, so this guy--his name was Knark Mopfleur--"
Twilight interrupted again. "What kind of name is that?"
"Look," said Tempest, surreptitiously stealing some of Twilight's fries, "You gonna let me finish the story or not?"
"Augh! My bad! I keep doing this!"
"It's okay. I forgive you. That's what friends do," Tempest said with a wink.
"Ha, you're learning! Please, friend, continue."
"Okay, okay, we're finally getting to the good stuff. So Knarky Knark--that was my annoying nickname for him--he tells me that most of the solutions that immediately come to mind involve repeatedly breaking my legs, summoning demons, or sacrificing virgins, and I tell him I'm not a masochist and I'd rather avoid the dark arts and I'm definitely not into the whole self-sacrifice thing, so he thinks on it--"
Twilight took the hoof flagging down the bartender and turned it towards Tempest. "Okay, okay, I am sooo sorry, I'm going to interrupt you one more time. I know I probably shouldn't ask this, but I'm drunk, so fuck it. A-and I'm not trying trying to shame you or anything, it's just you brought it up, and now it's gonna bug me..."
Tempest waited.
"Are... are you still a virgin? Is that part of why you're so angsty? You know, all that pent up--"
"THAT IS ANOTHER STORY FOR ANOTHER TIME! STOP INTERRUPTING ME!" Tempest yelled. Despite Twilight's spell a few patrons turned and stared. She sighed slowly, and added more calmly, "I'm 36, Twilight. I'm not a virgin."
Suddenly Twilight held a hoof to her muzzle, stifling a laugh. "Oh my Goddess, I bet... I bet you, haha, I bet you sucked the Storm King's dick. I bet you sucked his hairy yeti dick trying to get him to fix your horn. Oh. My. Goddess. You face fucked the Storm King, didn't you?!"
Sparks flew from Tempest's horn and her low but gnashing whisper. "You know Twilight, despite all the wrongs I've committed, I'm proud of the fact that I've never directly killed anypony. I'd hate for that to change."
Twilight frantically waved her hoofs. "Whoa, calm down. I think the alcohol's getting to us."
Tempest lowered her head in shame. "Yeah, that was uncalled for. Sorry. Look, maybe I should finish this story another night."
"No, no! I'm sorry. I'm enjoying! If I wasn't interested I wouldn't keep interrupting! And it was totally inappropriate of me to insinuate you fellated your boss."
"As I said, another story for another day."
Twilight smirked. "Ha! You totally did!"
“MOVING ON," Tempest declared, realizing she was going to have to be the bigger mare (literally).
"Moving on", Twilight echoed, reaching for her glass and finding it empty. She finished off her burger instead.
"So, Knark was really into plant stuff, uh, herbimancy I think it's called?" Twilight nodded. "He told me that some plants could graft with ponies and make you into a hybrid. It was intensive and dangerous, but it wasn't unheard of. I broke into song and told him I was willing to risk it. It was a really good song, too."
"Heartsongs always are."
"Yep. So I, so I asks him what I gotta do to get the ball rolling. And so first thing he does is send me to the library with a big-ass list. Now, I know, I know, geez, calm down Twilight! books and lists wet your cooch, but I'm a mare of action, so this wasn't exactly what I was hoping to do, but you know, he said it wasn't going to be easy. Most things in life aren't when you're different. I've learned that the hard way."
Twilight rolled her eyes. "We get it, you're sad you lost your horn."
"Yes, well, I found all the books (Well, I had to, I had to uhhh back... backorder a few from other libraries, but whatever) and brought them to him. And you know, you know, Twily, I just want to add, I just, you know, this was a lot of effort on his part, so I kind of became his sec... *urp* his uh, secretary for a few months, running errands and cooking and cleaning and you know, you know, all that domestic shit."
Twilight grinned. "Heh, I bet you sucked his dick too!"
"I WAS NINETEEN! HE WAS FIFTY SEVEN! THERE WAS NO DICK SUCKING INVOLVED!"
"Hey, among adults, age is just a number. I mean, you wanna know something? Shining Armor is eight years older than me, but that never stopped us from--"
Tempest covered her ears. "Oh! my! stars! I did not need to hear that! You're such a fucking pervert when you're shitfaced!
Twilight leaned in a bit too close and whispered conspiratorially. "You think I'm perverted now? Let's drop ~~Princess~~ Molly soon. I'll show you a real freaky time."
Tempest sighed, pushing the apparently sloshed Twilight out of her personal space. "Pinkie Pie is a horrible influence on you. Can I please finish my fucking story?"
"Yes, we can, heh, finish fucking."
Tempest shook her head hopelessly. "Swear to cod, Alcohol is wasted on the youth. So, so anyways, he spent the next week or so working out a plan. And, like, he kept explaining that it had to be a gradual process so my body wouldn't reject any grafts. So I was going to be doing most of the spell casting myself."
"But your horn?"
"Duh. The first thing he had me get was two wands.
“Two wands?”
“Yeah, one for my front legs, and one for the back. Like, something about hind and forelegs being different or something. I ain’t no wizard; I just got the wands.”
Twilight perked up, almost wacking a server with her wing. “Oh! For casting spells! Your horn’s all fucked up, so he had you use a wand as the thaumic propagator. Fascinating.”
“Well, duh. What did you think the wands were for?”
“Uhhhhh... stilts?”
“Yeah, no. Well, even with wands I'm much better at kicking ass than casting spells. It took me a good week of practicing before I was able to do basic levitation without blowing shit up.”
“Okay, so you just levitated yourself a foot off the ground so you’d be taller?”
“What?! No! Next he explained I needed some animal entrails. About a pound or so per leg.”
“Animal entrails?! Ah geez. This is getting gruesome. Did you... you know?"
"No I didn't murder a bunch of baby bunnies! I'm not a monster.”
Twilight sighed in relief.
“I let other ponies do that for me.”
Twilight facehoofed.
“Look, hydras kill all the time and I don’t see you giving them any shit. But, but uh, you know what tennis racket and violin strings are made of, right?"
Twilight looked a little nauseous as she made the connection. "Oh, right, catguts. Actually, my understanding is that we import them from the griffins. They have... less ethical quandaries about that sort of thing. Maybe that's what happened to Chummer*.
*Capper’s companion in the movie prequel comics
But, um, where'd you get that much catgut?"
"Oh, I stole a bunch of tennis rackets from the local orphanage."
"You're a monster."
"I never said I wasn't."
"But! Ugh!”
Tempest took another fry. "Anyway, I got four pounds of cat gut. I brought the bucket o' guts, I brought it back to ol' Mophead. A few other odds and ends *hic* and sidequests, and I had the ingredients. You know what time it was, Twilight?"
Twilight reached for her plate, finding it wanting for fries. She was too drunk to care. "Uhhhh, Tempest Time?"
"Yeah, that! Time to cast some spells. Now, now personally, just, you know, my opinion, the next part was a little hooky, a little, little mythical for my taste. Suc--suh...uh, su-suspiciously close to hooie. Fuck, no more, no more alcohal for the purple one, but we're both purple, ha!"
"Eh, I should probably cut off too. But you, you said this next part..."
"Yeah, whole lot of superstitious junk."
Ah, I see you are a mare of reason like *hic!* my shelf.”
Tempest rolled her eyes. “Careful with the fedora, Twi."
"Look I'm a scientist. So me, my world, it has, it has, it--it has hypothesis. Hypothesises. Whatever. You wanna know about those? Well, lemme tell you. See, you got, you got claims and... and, uh... fuck. My hypothesis is that I'm drunk and you're cute and you should finish your story.
Tempest entirely failed to hide her blush. "Riiiiight. So there was this hot spring outside of town a few kilometers. And Knark Mopfleur, well he, uh, he swore up and down and round that that spring was magical. Said it did amazing things like pay his child-support bills. You know, mundane magic like that. But, uh, everyday I was supposed trek over to the springs and soak in them for half an hour. And, and you know, I'm not complaining. I mean, relaxing water carressing your mane, getting taller, what's not to like?"
A glowworm finally blinked in Twilight's inebriated mind, and she pushed her disappearing fries conspicuously away from her conversation partner. "Okay, okay, but where does the actual spell casting come into this? How'd it... how'd it all work? I need answers! And for you to stop stealing my fucking fries! First my fries, then my heart... what's next? My magic? OH WAIT!"
Tempest giggled nervously. "Yeeeah, no comment. But, uh, yeah, so he had me go to the springs for ten days in a row, and after each soak, I, um... he had me rub those squishy moist cat guts all over my legs. It was pretty nasty, I'm not, going to lie. Real nasty stuff, all smushy and smelly and gross. Mare, Twilight, you should've been there to smell. I mean, really. You ever been to one of those griffin sushi places? But like one with a bunch of health code violations? And it's 90 degrees. And like, it's really hot, but the icebox is broken, and so you got all this fish, and..."
"Please spare me the details! Cheesy Crust, finish your fucking story!"
"Okay, well, so then--and uh, this part's, this part's kind of uh nasty too, but uh, he had me plant seeds in my knees."
"You did what?!"
"Right? But this was all herbimancy, remember? So he helped prepare some of those, you know, like pain deadening ointments, the ones that every mystic healer type has? And I cut little divots in my knees and stuck some magical vine seed in each one. Hurt like a fucking bitch, like fuck, the salve barely helped. But the seeds planted themselves in my knees, and they kind of sprouted roots all through my tendons and, uh... those ligament thingies, and like my muscles and bones and all that, and so pretty soon, my knees were basically wood."
"Wow. That's... a thing. Then what?"
"Okay, okay, so I have these wood knees, right? Well the roots grow down my legs, and like I keep casting these spells he's been teaching me to make the vines do my bidding, and they basically take over my lower legs, and like, the cat gut I've been rubbing into my legs and my hooves, the plants fucking love that shit. They're all over that, and pretty soon, my legs are more plant than pony from the knee down. and they vines keep growing and weaving and thickening and shit! And they're growing past my hooves. They're squishy and hard to walk on, but I'm finally starting to grow taller. Twilight, I'm finally growing taller!"
"Y-y-you c-can st-t-t-top sh-sh-sh-shak-k-k-king m-m-me!" Twilight interjected to the overly enthused Shadow.
"Right, sorry. Got a bit carried away. But Twilight, I was finally growing taller!"
Twilight, recovered, responded: "That's great. But like, how long did you let them grow? Are they still growing even today?"
"Oh no. I stopped the whole process after I had gained like few hands, like maybe three or four of height. And when I was done, I just stopped with the spells and the guts. Knark, he said the wooden parts would shrink a little as they dried up, so I wanted to wait until I was taller than I desired. And you know, once I was a little higher than what I was looking for, to chop the ends of the leg trees off. My body's own magic would then try to reassert itself, and the stumps would fashion themselves into hooves." She held up her hoof. "And as you can see, I'd say it did a pretty good job! So yeah, that's why I'm so tall."
Twilight just stared for a few seconds, absently chewing the last of her fries. "Okay, I'm kind of drink rught now. Haha, just kidding. But seriously, I'm drunk. Can you summer-sumpter... summarize please?"
Tempest finished off her last Manehattan and burped. "Of course. In conclusion, here's a list and the directions I followed. My little pony, I used:
- two wands
- four guts
- ten trips
- wood knees
'My little pony, until too tall, wear four magic leg trees.' were the sorcerer's concise instructions."
Twilight scoffed. "That's it?! That whole long winded story, and your height comes down to a bizarre list and awkwardly phrased instructions?!"
Tempest chuckled and began to hum a familiar tune, barely audible above the din of the establishment.
Twilight glared at her. "What! What's so funny?! And what are you singing?!"
"Your theme song." she replied coyly.
"The one at the start of our radio show?"
"Yeah. Try singing what I just said."
Twilight mouthed the words: "Well, in conclu--"
"No, no, skip that part. Start where I called you little."
Twilight tried again, "🎼🎵My little pony, I used two wands, four guts, ten trips, wood knees; my little pony, until too tall, wear four magic leg trees!🎶" Her eyes went wide in dawning recognition.
Tempest smugly smirked.
Horror enveloped Twilight. She'd been feghooted.
Author's Note
If you still don't get it
