Rainbow Dash's Pie-lemma

by deadpansnarker

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Rainbow Dash, Comedy
Length: 2365

After the events of Secrets And Pies, you'd think everything would return to normal. But alas, Rainbow Dash's thoughtless actions are about to have huge ramifications for the health of the nation.

After the events of Secrets And Pies, you'd think everything would return to normal. But alas, Rainbow Dash's thoughtless actions are about to have huge ramifications for the health of the nation.

Possible follow-up to the most recent episode. Maybe.

Published 2017-10-18 13:00:06 UTC
Last updated 2017-10-18 13:00:06 UTC

A Weighty Problem

It was a lovely morning, as seemed to be the norm in Ponyville...

...Seriously, nopony can even recall the last time it even rained. Why hasn't there been a serious drought before now, or something? Queues of ponies 'round the block waiting for bottled water... plants withering and dying due to a lack of the most basic nutrients... Applejack's family having to pack up and leave down due to business literally drying up... all this and more should've been the apocalyptic outcome from the lack of sky moisture in recent history.

Fortunately, the realities and hardships of everyday life seemed to evade most citizens of this hub of equinity. So the halcyon days of fun in the sun continued on unabated, with only the most mild of friendship-related problems and the occasional appearance of world-conquering supervillains providing slight setbacks to their oh-so-perfect existences.

One such little bump in the road was about to emerge today, the epicentre of which ironically enough involved one of the pegasi responsible for making sure Ponyville was without downpours all year round. She was lying up in her cloudy bed, using the latest Daring-Do book as a makeshift pillow and snoring loud enough to wake the dead. Which she actually thought she'd done a while ago in a shameless prank involving joke cookies and some great performances from townsfolk wearing a lot of make-up, but that's another story.

For this, in all intents and purposes, was the pegasus known as Rainbow Dash. Or 'Dash', or even 'Dashie' to her friends. Just don't call her 'My Little Dashie', or she will break you. Hard.

A solitary knock on the door awoke her from her peaceful slumber, and cause the thin sliver of drool which'd been dangling from her upper lip to catapult through the air before splattering against the wall. Realising she always had extremely unruly bedhair first thing in the morning, she quickly cast off her covers (which disintegrated on impact) before speeding to the nearest mirror to make sure she was properly presentable.

Now who could this be bothering me, at the crack of dawn on my day off, Rainbow pondered in frustration, whilst trying to recall Rarity's tips about pinning one's mane back, if it's somepony trying to get me into work today, then no dice. I've already covered shifts for Spitfire, Fleetfoot, Thunderlane and that mouthy mare with the white mane whose name I can never remember. I ain't doing it again, even the most awesome of flyers needs an occasional hiatus every now and then. I'll just tell them to do one, then it's back to counting sheep for me...

Bracing herself for a possible stormy confrontation in the clouds, Rainbow swiftly thrust open the door to discover that no, it wasn't one of her elite Wonderbolt companions that had deigned to disturb her peaceful repose. It was in fact, Princess Twilight Sparkle, making good use of those darn wings Celestia in all of her infinite wisdom had seen sense to bestow upon her. Right now though, there was a most un-princess-like scowl decorating her regal features: in other words, this was most definitely not a social call.

"What's up, egghead?" Rainbow yawned as way of a greeting, while stretching all four limbs casually. Her informal manner of address and lack of a curtsy were okay, since she and the alicorn were pretty tight. "Don't tell me the Cutie Map has selected me for yet another mission, just when I was starting to get comfortable. Or is your visit connected to that triple-decker daisy sandwich with extra ketchup I 'accidentally' left on your throne last week? I swear, I had no idea tomato sauce could stain so badly!"

"No, this is not about you and your unfathomable addiction to some of the most messy items of foods around..." Twilight grimaced, recalling how much scrubbing it took to make her lavender posterior just the right shade of purple again. "...But actually your dislike of another one. Oh, why did you have to do it, Dash? Why couldn't you have just told Pinkie straight out that you didn't want to eat her pies?"

"Huh?!" Rainbow scratched the back of her head in confusion, while raising a quizzical eyebrow. "I thought we'd sorted that out already the other day! I apologised for misleading her, she understood I only did it to preserve her feelings, I didn't need to get my stomach pumped by chowing down on that disgusting concrete pie I made... what else is there left to discuss?"

"Well gee, I dunno Rainbow..." Twilight pursed her lips in annoyance, before gesturing to the ground. "...I've bought some special guests along with me today, who might be able to explain things a bit better. Come on out guys, we're ready for you."

At Twilight's signal, a bunch of local ponies appeared waddling slowly into view. And boy howdy, didn't they look a sight... overweight, pudgy, and no doubt with some of the worst cholesterol levels ever seen.

"No offence, Twilight... but are you sure this is the right place to take all these dangerously obese ponies?" Rainbow whispered to her airborne companion, still in the dark as to what was exactly was going on. "Maybe a trip to see a doctor might be a better idea, perhaps for a diabetes test or something?"

"It's your fault they're in this state, you capricious oaf!" Twilight spread her wings in irritation, before deigning to explain things a bit more. "If you'd just informed Pinkie at the time that you didn't enjoy her cooking instead of playing your silly game of redistributing thousands of her pies throughout town to overfeed the populace, maybe we wouldn't have an epidemic of such gargantuan proportions on our hooves, pun not intended!"

Gulping a little at Twilight's dire accusation, Rainbow attempted to use her super pegasi hearing (yes indeed, that is a 'thing') to discover what was being said on terra firma by these poor, bloated souls:

"I can't feel my legs!"

"They have to roll me to work every morning!"

"My son uses me as a trampoline!"

"I may not have long to live, but that crust... that crust..."

Deciding she'd heard quite enough, Rainbow turned her attention back to Twilight, while wearing the most sheepish of grins. "E-Er, sorry about that Twi. I had no idea Pinkie's pies were so high in... well, everything really. Never mind, with a diet of one blade of grass a day and lots of long walks through the forest I'm sure those stallions and mares will soon be returned to peak physical condition!"

"This isn't funny, Rainbow! Your shameless shenanigans have led to a huge spike in heart disease, strokes and minor gout all over town! And, it's not just the older generation that's been affected!" At this point, Twilight gesticulated again to the land below, as more overweight ponies staggered into view... and these ones were much, much younger than the adults.

"Ooh, my aching tummy!"

"My mummy says I have to have liposuction!"

"I'm going to the dentist tomorrow to have all my teeth removed!"

"Hey, at least we get the day off school!"

Recognising most of these chunky colts and fillies from the other day, when Rainbow purposefully drew their attention to a massive heap of Pinkie's pies so they could scoff them before the party pony saw where they'd gone, the suddenly nervous pegasus gulped audibly. " I-I'm so sorry about all of this, I-I had no idea. I-I didn't think this one through..."

"Oh really, Rainbow Dash?" Twilight gave her friend a look of utter disdain. "Like you didn't 'think through' blowing up the Weather Factory? Or when you got yourself zapped by lightning during your first Wonderbolts performance? When are you going to learn, that actions have consequences? At least now you know why most parents don't give their children snacks in-between meals."

"W-Well, I apologise that I'm not always as wonderful as you, 'Lil Miss Perfect'..." Sick of being subjected to so much endless criticism, Rainbow decided to rally to her own defence. "Sometimes I do act without thinking, but it's the Element of Loyalty I have, not Self-Discipline! At least I always remain true to my friends, ready to help out in times of crisis, take care of those closest to me..."

"Ah, funny you should say that, because I have one last pony to introduce you to." Twilight interrupted Rainbow with a disapproving nod, before pointing downward at yet another spot on the ground. Approaching the skyward duo was none other the local vet Loving Care, who flourished some papers in her hooves angrily, which mostly had X-rays and medical reports printed on them.

"For somepony who professes to 'take care of those closest to you'..." Twilight glanced at Rainbow unimpressed. "You certainly have a funny way of showing it, by giving Tank all the pies you didn't want to eat. Not only is this causing your pet to nearly burst out of his shell, it's not even the right kind of dietary requirements for him! Tortoises should be eating leaves and foliage, not sugary pastry with all the fillings! Just what were you thinking when you set up a secret pie tunnel behind your Wonderbolts poster, that leads directly to his food bowl?!"

Rainbow was completely gobsmacked upon hearing this, almost falling out of the sky in pure astonishment. "W-Wait... how did you know about...?"

"It doesn't matter 'how I know', what's important is what you're going to do about all of this!" Twilight huffed, referencing the unacceptable levels of chubbiness of everypony around her. "Life insurance premiums will go through the roof! Nopony will be able to see a dietician for weeks! Bathroom scales everywhere will be utterly destroyed! And all because you didn't want to hurt Pinkie's feelings. Have you any idea how to fix everything? Because I for one am drawing a complete blank!"

Rainbow contemplated and deliberated the situation in her head, while the poor unfortunates below her moaned and groaned and Loving Care wondered if she'd be able to get back before her coffee break was up.

Eventually, after much thought, the blue pegasus opened her eyes once more, a wide grin cast across most of her face. She turned back to a disgruntled Twilight to utter three simple words in jubilation:

"I've got it!"

.....................................................

"You there! Get your bulbous butt over that climbing frame! No excuses... just get it done!"

"Drop and give me thirty! What? You can't do it?! Well maybe it's time to up the ante a bit. Give me fifty, no... one hundred!"

"I don't care if you feel your hamstring is about to explode... no pain, no gain! Now, pony up and give me another five laps!"

"Keep it up everypony, and remember... EXERCISE IS MAGIC!!"

Twilight flew over to where an uncompromising Rainbow hovered above all the oversized ponies working out, megaphone in hoof and tin hat on head.

"Wow Rainbow, I gotta hoof it to you, this radical new keep-fit regime you've installed might just work..." Twilight surveyed the training area, noting the hard work of everypony around her. "But don't you think you're being just a tad harsh? I mean, one of these ponies just collapsed in the middle of the obstacle course, yet you still pulled him all the way through by his tail to the end! And let's not even get into the flaming hoops they're supposed to jump through repeatedly..."

"Don't worry about it, Twi. Those are only for the adults. The youngsters get calinthentics." Rainbow took a break from yelling at the lazy slackers around her, to cordially chat with her friend. "If I can handle doing this sort of thing twice weekly as part of my standard routine, it should be foal's play for everypony else! Besides, if you think this is too much, you should try coming back tomorrow, when Pinkie starts teaching her first yoga class."

Twilight's eyes fair nearly popped out of their sockets when she heard this. "Pinkie?!"

"Yeah, if you want to talk intensive stretching, there's nopony better equipped than that mare! Besides, this whole mess was partially her fault too for being such a great cook, so I kinda thought maybe she'd like to help me out a bit, something which she was more than happy to do!" Rainbow chuckled to herself, thinking about some of the odd pretzel-like shapes ponies would be getting themselves in to try and keep up.

"But what about Tank?" Twilight's next question arrived thick and fast.

"Oh, don't worry about him!" Rainbow dismissed Twilight's concerns with a waved hoof. "Tortoise's digestive systems work much quicker than ponies, and so it won't be long before he's back to his usual weight, even without any actual effort. I've dismantled the tunnel too, and now I'm feeding him nothing but the finest roughage! Now that's all sorted, as soon as everypony else is back to normal I should be able to return to the Wonderbolts in peace. Oh, how I've missed them..."

Luckily (or unluckily, depending on your point of view) Rainbow didn't have to go and see the Wonderbolts, for they were about to come to her.

Three of them, to be exact: Spitfire and Misty Fly (finally, Dash had remembered her name) dragging along the ground a very plump and extremely heavy Soarin, licking his crumb-covered lips and looking as if he was about to split his uniform in half any minute now.

Sighing internally to herself, Rainbow left Twilight and her trainees behind momentarily to dart down to where her fellow colleagues stood. "Let me guess: you want me to restore him to default settings so he can start flying again."

With an exasperated look exchanged between her and Misty Fly, it was Spitfire who answered first. "Not exactly, Crash..."

Soarin then seemed to stir briefly from his sugar-induced coma, struggling to reposition himself so that he could see Rainbow above his bulging belly.

"Have you got any more pie?"

Author's Note

A little idea I had about the most recent episode, expanded on a tad. Hope you enjoyed it! :scootangel: