How to be a horsef*cker

by Whiskeylullaby

Rating: mature
Tags: Sex, Human, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 1037

You watch an educational video

You sign up for a class shortly after a portal to equestria is built. Hijinks ensue.

Published 2017-10-19 13:40:07 UTC
Last updated 2017-10-19 13:40:07 UTC

The only chapter (thank god)

You are the cancer that plagues the internet. The well dressed, faceless bastard known only as anonymous. You recently heard a real portal to equestria had been built, and instantly stopped posting tired, overused memes and greentext stories on pony 4chan boards, shaved your neckbeard, and darted for the nearest acne removal cream. You had an epic journey, dodging solidified socks, explicit pony porn, and towers of mountain dew cans and dorito bags as you waddled towards freedom, ready to adventure in ponyland, and finally lose your virginity to a horse, you furry fuck.

Upon donning your girdle and suit, and giving yourself a quick rinse, you almost seem like a normal human being as you step into your car. after a couple of hours gripping the steering wheel and hanging your head out of the window like some kind of dog, you realize you need to start the damn thing to get anywhere. after several more hours, dodging traffic and causing several fatal pileups, you arrive at your destination. The portal is magnificent. Ponies and people run back and forth, working on machines, or glowing crystals. Doing any number of unknowable background stuff that keeps the infrastructure of the world functioning. Poor bastards, with their actual fulfilling, labor intensive work. they should get smart and commit insurance fraud and file lawsuits against restaurants for being overweight and having a blood pressure of...oh sweet jesus...how are you alive man? Your blood is literally just liquid salt at this point!

Anyway, you've arrived. You see you have to take several classes before you can enter, but you only want one. THE class. How to be a horsefucker. It has a real name, using polite language and scientific terms, but you just call it as it is. That's how you roll. (you know, other than downhill, you round piece of shit) Wheezing from how tired you are, you knock an old lady from her hover-round and hijack the damn thing, the poor machine groaning and grinding under your weight as you slowly roll away from the old bird, her cries for assistance falling on deaf ears. Her cane does connect with your head a couple of times, but the drain bamage was done long ago. By your uncle, after he dropped you over a railing. all you remember is waking up with a headache, a ruptured colon, and your pants around your ankles. You wondered why you never saw uncle ricky again, but You were told he got sent on a long vacation.

Finally arriving at the classroom, you'r slightly surprised to see armed guards in gas masks and familiar looking bright grey uniforms. there was this "SS" symbol on their helmets, but you just shrugged and followed the teacher inside, even as the closed and sealed the heavy bulkhead behind you. The teacher seemed familiar as well. Messy hair, tiny moustache, vaguely sinister german accent. It bothered you until you remembered, Charlie Chaplin! Yup. Definitly chaplin. He's even wearing that uniform from his hit movie, the great dictator. The armband was a bit off, but it was still a good costume. You thank him for his many movies and hours of slapstick entertainment. He looks mildly confused for a moment, before giving you a nickname under his breath. "in-taters Schmutz" (Entarteter Schmutz) which you're certain is a term of endearment.

You sat down in a chair, along with several others, facing the back wall. To your left, a bunch of guys seem to have decided to take a nap....in a pile.....with their eyes open, and without breathing....or moving at all.... Kind of like you on a monday. You return your attention back to the wall, to find a grainy black and white film to be playing.

`"So, you degenerate filth! You want to be a horse-fucker?" says the overly happy, dapper man to the camera. "well look no further! With our guide, you'll be bedding those ponies in no time. First on the list: Physical contact! " You hear a hissing, and a weird, cloying smell tugs at your nostrils, making you very sleepy. The others droop, and cough, before falling deeply asleep, even as you desperately fight to remain awake to the end of the film. A blue residue appears on the wall, but you still live, you unkillable little roach. you make it through the video, laughing at a few tired jokes, and the very explicit and hands on demonstrations of pony erogenous zones, and proper sexual techniques. (most of which included bending pony over and mounting them like a real stallion. You hear the doors open, and the guards cautiosly enter the room, waving around a gun you are immediately familiar wth. The mp40. Holy smokes batman! These guys are nazis! (took you long enough to realize it.) You had prepared for this day, and with a battlecry that sounded much like girly screaming, and kung fu moves that almost seemed like desperate flailing, you escape. causing millions in property damage with your cartoony antics, even though the nazis gave up chasing you long ago, having exhausted their magazines with aim like that of star-wars stormtroopers. Almost as though you were the protagonist, rather than an autistic, screeching, internet degenerate. You run through the portal, finding yourself in equestria. with a screech of victory, you set forth. Only to find yourself halted by a contingent of royal guards. After an epic fight that left much of the field scarred, and only ended when you showed them your dick (causing much vomiting and causing dozens of suicides). Thus began your conquest, one town at a time you fucked ponies. Your mutant offspring screaming in agony as you built your own army of horribly disfugured pony-men, and marched on canterlot. The battle was fierce, but your superior numbers won out over all that was good in equestria, and your dynasty reigned supreme! Well, for about six months that is, because aftr one epic orgy, celestia sat on your face too long, and you literally drowned in pussy.

Author's Note

I wrote this tired. I'm so sorry. I need a shower, but I don't think the filth will wash away....