Starlight Glimmer Overreacts to Lesbian Ponies

by Yukito

Rating: teen
Tags: Scootaloo, Random, Slice of Life, Drama, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Starlight Glimmer, Comedy, Tragedy
Length: 1405

Starlight... I mean, y'know, it's all right there in the title...

Starlight Glimmer is not happy (shock), but this time it's at something Satanic! Something deplorable! Something unbelievable that will leave you shocked and gasping for air!

Starlight Glimmer... has witnessed two mares... in a RELATIONSHIP! Like, two MARES! Like, like, it's weird, innit? Like, just wrong! They're mares! Like, they both have vaginas! WTF?! HOW DO THEY EVEN- I gotta look up how they even have sex 'cause I just don't understand the mechanics of that ONE BIT!

... I may be gone a while...

Published 2017-10-19 18:50:06 UTC
Last updated 2017-10-19 18:50:06 UTC

Starlight Glimmer Overreacts to Lesbian Ponies

Ponies flocked to the Ponyville Courthouse at nine in the morning. The courthouse was rarely used outside of the occasional sueing of Twilight Sparkle and her friends for destroying the town with their usual antics, but today was different. Today was a case of a concerned parent upset with two ponies in charge of raising a foal, with the claim that they are both irresponsible, terrible, disgusting ponies who are destroying the poor child's future and causing said child great harm.

Mayor Mare – the only town official who was awake so early in the morning – presided as the judge. After the gallery was seated, she slammed her gavel and the trial commenced.

"Court is now in session for the case of Glimmer vs. Holiday and Lofty," she announced. "Is the defence ready?"

"The defence is ready, Your Honour," said Cheerilee, prompting the mayor to raise an eyebrow.

"Ms. Cheerilee, not to discredit your abilities, but are you formally qualified to lead a defence?"

"Well, I studied law in Canterlot while I earned my degree in teaching," she said. "But the defendants asked me personally to represent them, and I believe that our law dictates that the defendants have a right to appoint anypony they choose as their attorney."

"Uhhh, right you are," Mayor Mare said. 'Like I'm going to fact-check that…' Clearing her throat, she turned to the other bench. "And the prosecution?"

"Ready, Your Honour," Starlight Glimmer said, glaring at the two nervous aunts hiding behind Cheerilee. "Ready for justice to be served."

"Riiiiight. And I take it you are prosecuting on your own behalf?" Mayor Mare shuffled through her papers. "Well, it seems that you meet all the right qualifications. Though judging by when you graduated… you must have been only a child!"

"Yeah, funny story about that. Involves time-travel, ask me later."

"Er, no." Mayor Mare sighed. "Well then, can you please give your opening speech?"

"Gladly, Your Honour. It happened only two days ago. I was on my way home from my weekly kite-flying session-"

"HAH! GAAAAAAY!"

"-… And I was on my way to Sugarcube Corner to visit my good friend Pinkie Pie."

"Who I would like to remind that it is a federal offence to break out into song in the courtroom," Mayor Mare said to the pink pony in the gallery armed with a microphone.

"Everything was going well, but then that was when it happened." Starlight turned to the defendants, grinding her teeth as her blood boiled. "These two… ponies, were walking home with their niece, Scootaloo. They seemed to be a perfectly happy, normal family, but then, they started KISSING!"

Mayor Mare gasped. "They kissed their foal?!"

Starlight shook her head. "No, they kissed each other!"

"Oh… So you're pressing charges on…"

"That's right! These two exposed that poor child to an act of same-sex relations!" Starlight slammed her hoof onto her bench. "Now look, I'm not homophobic, but I demand they be put to death!"

"Right, well the death penalty is very much illegal, so I can't do that."

"I'd be perfectly happy to escort them out of the country and do it myself."

"Please don't let her near us," Aunt Holiday said.

"That should be my line!" Starlight returned. "You dyke! I bet you'd just LOVE to rape me, wouldn't you?!"

"This is insanity!" Aunt Lofty cried. "All we did was kiss! Where's the crime in that?!"

"The crime in that is that it is unnatural! And you did it right in front of a child! She's going to be scarred for her entire life!"

"Actually I'm totally fine with it," Scootaloo said.

"Hush, child. I am speaking for you."

"Miss Glimmer," Mayor Mare interrupted with a sigh. "Gay marriage has been legalised in Equestria for the past ten years."

"And it is wrong!" Starlight Glimmer shouted. "God invented two sexes for a reason! A penis and a vagina – that is what is natural!"

"Your Honour, if I may?" Cheerilee began. "I know these two mares. They come to every parents' evening to see how Scootaloo is doing and they are always such a delight. They take great interest in Scootaloo's studies and are always concerned with her personal life."

"And her studies are being affected by it!" Starlight Glimmer shouted. "She's confused and ashamed and it's making her fail in school! She doesn't have a father to guide her and she's going to grow up a failure, addicted to drugs and killing small animals for fun!"

"Actually her grades have steadily improved since she started spending more time with her aunts," Cheerilee said. "Both mares are well-educated and help her when-"

"If they were well-educated they would know that two mares can't raise a foal! And it's not just Scootaloo who's in danger; what about other foals who just happen to see it?! They have done nothing to deserve witnessing such acts!"

"I see straight couples fighting and yelling all the time," Scootaloo said. "What's wrong with seeing a gay one kissing?"

"Did you hear that?! She doesn't even understand what is wrong with two mares kissing each other!"

"Then please explain it," Cheerilee said, her voice stern. "Because frankly I think it is wonderful to let children know from a young age that it is perfectly okay to be who you are, and that two mares or two stallions can be happy together."

"NO! Children should not be exposed to such… debauchery! The only time they should find out is when they're adults and they know that being a dyke or a fag is wrong!"

The entire room gasped, and Mayor Mare slammed her gavel. "Miss Glimmer, I will ask you to please mind your language or I will hold you in contempt of court."

"You're just pandering because they line your pockets with bits! This cannot go on!"

"Miss Glimmer!" Mayor Mare shouted, reading over the case file before her. "Are you even a parent?"

"No!"

"Then why are you raising such a fuss over it?"

"I'm being offended for the parents here!"

"Well I'm okay with it," Derpy Hooves said.

"Me too," agreed Berry Punch.

More murmurs from the crowd sounded their agreements, and Starlight Glimmer stamped her hooves on the floor as she turned to face the gallery. "OH, SURE! SURE, let's just let them have the same right as normal ponies! While we're at it, why don't we just legalise sex with animals, too?!"

A quiet yay sounded from the audience as Mayor Mare slammed her gavel.

"Miss Glimmer, I want to declare the defendants not guilty and have you pay a huge fine for wasting the court's time like this, but I'm afraid that you will rip a hole in the fabric of space and tear out my insides if I did that."

Starlight scuffed a hoof along the floor. "I… can't deny that as a possibility."

"Therefore, if I agree to simply outlaw homosexual kissing in public, will you please just drop the charges."

"Hey, so long as I- er, the children, can't see it, sure!"

"WHAT?!" Aunt Holiday cried. "That's unfair!"

Mayor Mare slammed her gavel. "Then it is settled. Court is adjourned."

Starlight glimmer trotted out happily, a great victory achieved that day. The rest of the court remained behind until the doors closed.

"Well great!" Aunt Lofty shouted. "Another victory for anti-gay ponies!"

"This is so not cool!" Scootaloo shouted. "They weren't hurting me! Or anypony!"

"Look," Mayor Mare said. "Just… don't kiss where she can see you, okay? Just… She's so annoying, just let her have that much to shut her up, okay?"

"No, this isn't over!" Aunt Holiday declared.

"You'll be hearing from our lawyer!" Aunt Lofty added, before turning to Cheerilee and saying, "Thanks for sticking up for us, dear."

"Oh, it was no problem at all." Cheerilee turned to the mayor with a glare. "If only some other ponies could have the same courage."

The mayor groaned and slumped over as the courtroom emptied. "Can't make a single side happy without being the villain. And ponies wonder why I let Twilight run this town."

Author's Note

I apologise. I agree that this fic is an abomination and has absolutely no right to exist. There was no need to have a fic like this on the site one bit...

An entire courtroom drama without a single "OBJECTION!" :facehoof: