Friendzone is Magic
By Clashwood Thunderfade
“Well... What do you think?” Rarity watched her client try on his sleek new sport coat. “Not too flashy?”
“It’s perfect!” Spike commented, getting an eyeful of the handsome dragon in the mirror. However, his mind was elsewhere.
Today was a monumental date in the young dragon’s life. This day marked the two-year anniversary of when he first laid his eyes on the beauty that was Rarity the unicorn. From the very first moment he stepped into Carousel Boutique, he had been devising a long-term three-year plan for winning her affection:
Year one: Do nothing.
Year two: Become her friend.
Year three: Ask her on a date.
Although it was a rather slow-paced plan, he stuck with it day after day, ensuring that he wouldn’t appear too hasty and scare her away. Dragons weren’t known for their compatibility with ponies.
As the fates would have it, this third step at the beginning of the third year, coincided perfectly with the premier event of the season, HoofStock. A traveling music festival with an emphasis on fashion, HoofStock was the perfect place to profess his undying devotion to the mare of his dreams.
Wanting to look his best, Spike commissioned a sport coat to be made for the event. When he arrived to try it out, that’s when he would ask the burning question and finally take her on a date. He had bought two tickets months in advance and now the moment rapidly approached.
“You’ve really outdone yourself, Rarity,” said Twilight, who Spike had secretly brought along for moral support.
“Rarity’s always outdoing herself. That’s why she’s gonna be a famous designer someday,” Spike chimed in.
“Oh, you two. If only everypony in town thought the same,” sighed Rarity. Business had been slow that year. With an unseasonably hot summer, most ponies simply weren’t in the mood for purchasing extravagant clothes. A lot of her finest work found its way onto the clearance racks of retail shops around town.
“How much do I owe you?” Spike asked her.
“Oh please, Spikey. Put your money away. We’re friends.”
“But you worked so hard. Something for your trouble?” He insisted.
“One sale isn’t going to make or break my business. Don’t worry about it. It’s a gift.”
“Let me at least give you four bits for it.”
“Two.”
“Three. And that’s my final offer,” Spike haggled.
“Okay, three,” Rarity conceded.
“I’m sure things will turn around for you. If not in sales, maybe some commission work?” Twilight suggested.
“That would be nice. My equipment desperately needs an update,” Rarity muttered, as she glanced at her rusty old sewing machine. “I’ll probably head out this weekend and go window shopping for a nice discount.”
“This weekend?” asked Spike. “You’re going to miss HoofStock?”
“Oh my no! It’s the event of the season. I wouldn’t pass up a chance to show off my dresses. Who knows who’ll be there!”
“In that case...” Spike took a deep breath. His two years of waiting were about to come to fruition. “Rarity, will you do me the honor of going with me as my date?” As the words left his lips he flinched, expecting the worst.
Blindsided, Rarity gazed blankly at the baby dragon, then back to Twilight, who just shrugged awkwardly. Not knowing what an appropriate reaction would be, she just blurted out what came to mind first. “Oh... I... That is... um... sure. Count me in.”
“Seriously?” Spike exclaimed.
“Uh huh,” Rarity repeated, half-heartedly.
“Alright! Just you wait, Rarity! We are going to have the best weekend of our lives! I’m going to start getting ready right now!” With that, Spike bolted out the door, dancing out into the streets.
“What did I just do?!” Rarity whimpered in terror.
“From here, it looked like you agreed to go on a date with Spike,” Twilight noted.
“I didn’t know what else to say! Those innocent little eyes staring at me...”
“Well, maybe you two will hit it off.”
“He’s a nice dragon and all but... you know... It’s Spike... He’d just be best suited for someone more like... I don’t know... Fluttershy.”
“That would be adorable,” Twilight laughed.
“Oh, Twilight, you have to help me get out of this! I don’t want to lead him on!” Rarity pouted.
“I think the best thing to do is be forward with him,” Twilight said. “Let him know this is just two friends seeing a music show together and nothing more.”
“Ohhh, I so hate making anyone feel bad...” Rarity frowned.
“Well it is a three day event. You’re going to have to tell him at some point.”
Rarity braced herself for the worst.
Spike skipped down the street, donned in his brand new charcoal jacket, made by his favorite pony. In a blissful stupor, he smiled at every little thing that passed him by.
She said “yes.” She said “yes” to a date with a dragon. She said “yes” to a date with Spike. His years of preparation and sticking to his plan had finally paid off.
Suddenly, a burst of color whisked by, knocking him to the ground.
“Whoa! Watch out, Rainbow!” Spike yelled from the cloud of dirt.
“What?” Rainbow Dash looked back, hovering over the ground. “Oh sorry there, Spike. I didn’t notice you. You should really wear brighter colors.”
Spike got to his feet, brushing off the layer of dirt on his new suit. “Hey, that reminds me, you don’t know where I can get a corsage around here, do you?”
Rainbow Dash stared blankly at this request.
“It’s a big flower to pin on my special date at HoofStock tomorrow!” Spike explained.
“Oh brother. You’re going on a date and you’re giving her flowers? What are you, like 80 years old?” Rainbow Dash scoffed.
“No good?” Spike asked. "Well, what do colts usually get for you on dates?"
"Dates? I go stag to these events, thank you," Rainbow explained. "I don't want any of that mushy stuff getting between me and the rocking out!"
"I see..."
“So, who is this poor girl?” Dash scoffed.
“Aw, I can’t even keep it a secret! It’s Rarity! I’m taking Rarity on a date!” Spike nearly burst from joy hearing himself say it out loud.
“Shut up!” Rainbow replied, mouth agape.
“I’m serious!”
“I didn’t even know she liked you like that.” Rainbow settled her hooves on the ground.
“I know, right? But in 24 hours, we’ll be sitting side by side under the moonlight, watching all the best artists from Hay and Oates to GlamRock.”
Rainbow Dash stared blankly at Spike.
“GlamRock is my favorite dragon singer! After he plays his set, then she’ll understand that us dragons have a sensitive side. We’re not all mean and scary.”
“You? Mean and scary?!” Rainbow chuckled.
“Yeah, yeah. Laugh it up. I practically destroyed the town that one time, you know.”
“Okay, hotshot. So what’s your big move?” the pegasus goaded him. “What gets you your second date?”
“Well, when the mood is right, I’m going to lean over and put my arm around her...”
“And then...?” Rainbow asked with morbid curiosity.
“‘And then’ what?” Spike replied. “Then we’ll bask in each other’s company. What else?”
“You’re going to need some help.” His friend swooped in front of his path.
“Oh no, Dash,” he said, pushing her aside. “I’ve been imagining this date everyday for the last two years. Everything is planned to a tee. I’ve even perfected making a fruit bouquet shaped like her face!”
“Dude, that’s creepy,” Dash warned. “Forget all that frilly stuff. You gotta strut. You gotta show her you’re a dragon of action. You even gotta act a little tough!”
“Tough? Pfft. Rarity is a lady and I intend on treating her like one.”
Rainbow Dash zoomed up into the air. “Ughhh! If you’re going to act like a sheet of cardboard, she’s gonna fall asleep before your date’s over. You gotta be fun! Let me give you a few tips!”
“Thanks, Dash. But I think her idea of fun is a little bit different from yours. There’s not going to be any explosions or speed-racing at a music festival,” Spike teased.
“Speed-racing? That’s not even a thing! Ugh! Fine! I tried to help. Good luck! I gotta get back to clearing the sky for your music festival.”
Rainbow bolted away into the clouds.
"See you there!" Spike continued into town, looking for the flower shop.
Vinyl Scratch warmed up the crowd with a remix of Somepony That I Used to Know, as Spike and Rarity pushed their way through a sea of music-goers. Spike was determined to get to the spot under the oak tree he had been casing out for months. This time of day it had the perfect amount of shade and was just close enough to the stage to see the performers, but not so close that the volume would drown out their conversation.
“Well, this seems like a good spot.” Spike played it cool, laying down a blanket next to the tree.
Rarity smiled politely and sat down, minding her newly made dress. She wondered if she would work up the nerve to tell Spike the truth like Twilight suggested. Uncertainty hung in the air as she waited for an opportune moment to say those dreaded words: “I don’t like you like that.” But with each act of affection toward her, it made it more impossible. Trying to put it out of her mind, she gazed into the crowd looking for anypony that looked posh. If she was going to put herself through this ordeal, at least she might find a rich pony to make a sale.
“Having fun, Rarity?” Spike asked eagerly.
“Yes. Yes I am,” she replied with her emotionless, knee-jerk response. Hopefully he noticed. Hopefully he would get the hint.
“So...” Spike searched for something else to fill the nagging silence.
Rarity cleared her throat.
“Hmmm? Were you going to say something?” he hoped.
“No.”
Spike glanced back in his picnic basket for some sort of conversation starter. “Oh. Want any gems?” he asked his date.
The thought of consuming precious stones was nearly criminal to her, but Rarity played it down, as to not offend. “No, thank you.”
Shrugging it off, Spike popped a sapphire in his mouth, just so he wouldn’t have to think of something else to talk about for at least a few seconds. Wooing the crush of his life didn’t come as naturally as he assumed it would. As he crunched, he mulled over his next step.
Rarity pretended to be interested in the stage performance, hoping they could just sit quietly for the remainder of the festival. As long as things stayed as platonic as this, she wouldn’t have to confront him.
“Do you want a drink?” Spike continued. “I brought three kinds of juice.”
“Oh, um sure. What do you have?”
“Grape, strawberry, and apple!” Perhaps things weren’t going that bad, Spike thought.
“Apple, please.”
Spike reached into the basket finding no sign of anything containing apples. He started to panic. “Oh shoot! I forgot the apple juice!”
“Well, that’s okay.” Rarity didn’t even want a drink.
“Oh, Applejack made a special batch for me and I left it!” Spike lamented.
“Strawberry is fine.”
“Really? I swear, I will go get you apple right now.”
“I’ve changed my mind, I really would prefer strawberry. I haven’t had it in so long. Please, Spikey, strawberry.” Rarity was determined to not let things escalate.
He breathed a sigh of relief. “You are so forgiving... I can’t even believe it.”
Rarity frowned, accepting the juice.
All eyes turned to the main stage, as the announcer addressed the audience. “And now, a dragon who needs no introduction...” she began, “GlamRock!”
Spike perked up at the mention of the name. “Watch this! He’s great!” he shouted over the applause.
“Hmmm?” Rarity new very little about the music scene, but the word “Glam” caught her attention.
A tall dragon, in a sparkling red cape, strutted into the spot light. His head whipped back his long black hair to reveal a set of hazel eyes, accented with mascara. Producing an index card from his skin-tight pants, he spoke. “Hello... Pennyville!”
The crowd cheered, getting the gist of what he meant.
“How are all you ruddy nitwits doing tonight?” He screamed, as his backup band took their places behind him.
The crowd cheered again in response.
“Who is this ruffian? He’s awfully rude,” Rarity scolded.
“He’s just putting on a show! He’s a great musician! Dragons have more talent than you’d think!” Spike assured.
“Enough with the pleasantries, let’s get our flippin’ rock on!” GlamRock bellowed. “ONE, TWO, THREE!”
The quartet proceeded to blast their #1 single Perfect Gemstone to the crowd of hundreds. GlamRock belched a stream of fire above the audience, much to their delight.
As the singer serenaded the amphitheater with his rock ballad, Spike took this opportunity to sidle up next to his date, resting his head on her shoulder for a few seconds, to test the waters.
“Nice weather for a concert,” Rarity said, keeping things casual and un-romantic.
“Yeah,” Spike replied in a daze.
“I thought I would need a jacket, but it’s rather pleasant out.” Rarity scratched her nose, hoping it would help nudge Spike’s head off of her.
Spike yawned and awkwardly placed his arm around Rarity’s shoulders making sure not to be so forward as to touch her with his hand.
This was it. Rarity knew she would have to say something.
“Um, Spike...” Rarity chirped.
Spike’s arm leaped back to his side. “I’m sorry. Forgive me for being so... brutish.”
“Spike dear, I think you may have slightly gotten the wrong impression about this evening...”
Spike’s blood ran cold. His eyes began to well up. “I blew it! I knew I shouldn’t have gone so fast.”
“No, it’s not that.” Rarity searched for a tactful way to put out this fire.
“Why does everything I do turn out all wrong? I don’t deserve you!”
“It’s not you!” she lied. “I’m just... not into... um...”
Rarity glanced around for inspiration to formulate her grand excuse. She’d been worrying for hours, why was her brain suddenly failing her?! Her eyes locked on the surly rocker on stage, scratching himself with a guitar. Repulsed, she made her choice. “I’m not into dragons.”
“Oh.”
“The scales and the fire. I just... no.” Spikes sorrowful eyes made Rarity realize just how offensive that sounded. She tried to backpedal. “Nothing personal. That doesn’t mean we can’t have a good time! Right?”
“I guess.” Spike was overwhelmed with all new emotions. The pain of rejection. The strange relief that he never had a chance in the first place.
Rarity was pleased she had finally found a way out, but couldn’t shake the feeling that things were only going to get more awkward from here.
After a few songs, Spike let himself collect his thoughts and tried to prepare where to take things next.
“That’s all I have time for now, ya lunkheads!” GlamRock grunted, leaving the stage. “I’ll see you in an hour!”
“Tsk, tsk. Simply boorish,” said Rarity. She never seen someone so unconcerned about his manners. So unabashedly uncouth. She looked at all the fillies that fawning over him with disdain and pity.
Spike could see this was why he was losing her. If she was seeing GlamRock's act as quintessence of dragonhood, Spike would never stand a chance. He had to show her the dragon behind the act. The artist.
“Hey! Let’s go meet him backstage,” Spike suggested, franticly.
“What? No, no, no,” Rarity insisted.
“You’ll see. Us dragons are a pretty easy-going bunch.” Spike grabbed her by the hoof. “Come on!”
“But, he’s awful!”
“Pleeeeeease,” Spike begged, as a last ditch effort.
“Oh fine,” Rarity conceded. She figured she might as well get a closer look at that gaudy thing he called a costume.
Her guilt and curiosity lead her backstage to find the rock star lounging in a folding chair, with a tall drink, surrounded by lackeys and groupies.
“There he is!” Spike exclaimed. “Hey! Hey! Mr. Rock!”
“What?” The rock star answered with contempt from behind the pegasus racing form he was browsing.
“Hi, Mr. Rock,” Spike began. “Huge fan. The album you made with Filly Stardust changed my life!”
“Beat it you little peasant,” GlamRock scoffed, taking a sip of cider. Spike stared blankly at his idol. GlamRock wouldn’t even dignify him with a glance in his direction.
Spike watched Rarity's normaly pleasant visage melt into a scowl. Spike had to win this guy over, for Rarity’s sake.
“Can you sign my program?” Spike tried again.
“Can’t you see I’m very busy?” GlamRock snorted, still hidden by his racing form. “Go away.”
Spike blinked, confused.
“That’s no way to speak to someone, Mr. Rock.” Rarity stepped in. “I don’t care if you are a handsome and famous musician.”
GlamRock paused, looking up. “Wellwellwellwellwellwellwell, what do we have here?”
“We have a Rarity,” she responded sharply.
“From the looks of your clothes, I’d say you have quite a knack for glamour.”
“Well you can... I...” Prepared for an attack, the compliment threw Rarity off guard. “Thank you?”
Spike was relieved to see he starting to warm up a bit. Maybe this would change Rarity’s opinion on dragons.
The rock star stood up and circled Rarity. “Indeed. Simply beautiful... and the dress is rather nice too,” GlamRock added, slyly.
“This? I made this one myself,” Rarity continued, completely distracted by all the flattery.
“Interesting.” GlamRock looked up and down Rarity’s body, admiring the shape of the dress. “Do you make... dragon clothes?”
“I made Spike’s sport coat,” Rarity pointed out.
“Who’s Spike?”
“The little peasant.”
GlamRock glanced at the stunned dragon’s jacket. “I’m not one to go around doling out compliments and this conversation is already starting to bore me, but if you wanted a chance of a lifetime to make some costumes for my new tour, we should talk.”
Rarity nearly exploded with delight. “I’m available all week.”
“Tomorrow morning, then. You have a shop?”
“Carousel Boutique”
GlamRock moved in, uncomfortably close. “A beautiful little filly like you could do very well in the music business, if you play your cards right,” GlamRock whispered. “Until tomorrow, Miss Charity.”
“It’s Rarity!” Spike corrected.
“Of course it is.” GlamRock winked back, heading back out on stage.
“Well, you sure showed him,” Spike muttered, sarcastically.
“Spike, not everything has to end with fighting,” Rarity explained. “Sometimes grown-ups find other means of settling disputes.”
“Like going on dates?”
“A date? No, no, no. This is a strictly professional meeting,” Rarity insisted.
“Right,” Spike frowned, as he saw his prospects disintegrate in front of him.
**********
Spike sulked down the street, muttering to himself. In a cloud of rage, he stared daggers at every little thing that passed him by.
“So...?” a familiar voice asked.
“So what?” Spike replied.
“How did your little ‘date’ go?” The blue pegasus dropped into view.
“Come to gloat? Thanks, Rainbow. Add to my misery.”
“Aw, come on!” Rainbow Dash landed in front of him. “You’re no fun to tease with that attitude!”
“Whatever. You win,” Spike moped.
“It couldn’t have been that bad!”
“Rarity didn’t spend more than an hour with me before jumping straight into the arms of that jerk, GlamRock! You should have seen the googly eyes she was making at him.”
“Jerk? I thought you said he was your favorite singer.”
“And I thought Rarity said she’s not into dragons. I guess I lied too!” The dragon snapped.
“She told you she wasn’t into dragons? Is that racist? That’s racist right?” Rainbow pondered.
“What does he have that I don’t?”
“Confidence. Good looks. A bad boy attitude. Wealth. An accent. A nice phys-”
“But he doesn’t care about her like I do!”
“Aww, you’re so cute when you get worked up.”
“I don’t want to be cute anymore! I just need to be... I dunno... cooler.”
“Well you’ve come to the right pony,” Rainbow Dash claimed. “I can take you from zero to awesome in ten sec-”
“Your catch phrases are eating up our coolness training time. When do we start?”
“We’ve already begun!” the confident pony explained.
“What about that one over there?” GlamRock pointed to a gold sewing machine in a glass case. “That looks like it could get the job done.”
The sewing supplies store on the rich side of town had always been nothing more than a daydream to Rarity. She had walked by the windows of The Golden Spool countless times, but never imagined actually having the funds to buy something. The array of fabrics and threads of every color and texture lined the shelves, as the entrepreneur took in this new world around her.
Paparazzi lined the windows, hoping to get a better look at GlamRock and his new companion. Rarity pretended not to be flattered, but every now and then, flashed a smile toward the mass.
“Looking for something to impress the missus, Mr. Rock?” the sales rep asked, recognizing the signer from the tabloids.
“Missus? Me?” Rarity giggled. “Oh dear, no. We’re just... friends. Glam is buying me a new sewing machine so I can make costumes for his new tour.”
“I like to think I’m somewhat of a patron of the arts,” GlamRock suggested.
“He took one look at what I was using and then insisted on buying me a new one,” Rarity explained.
“You should have seen it! It was rubbish!” he laughed, derisively.
“Well then, may I suggest the 2700 model? It’s our best item here,” the clerk said.
“Sounds good,” Glam agreed.
“No, no, no! It’s much too expensive,” Rarity protested. “I simply can’t let you spend that much on me. It would be irresponsible!”
“Well let me pose you with this: Would it help you make a better costume for my show?” GlamRock asked.
“Well, technically, yes, it would,” Rarity admitted. “I have always wanted to get my hooves on machinery of that quality.”
“Then don’t you worry your pretty little head about expense. We’ll add it to my tab. We’re going to need the best tools to make the best costumes.” GlamRock turned back to the sales rep. “We’ll take it.”
“Glam, I don’t know what to say! You are so generous!” said Rarity.
“I am a beautiful specimen, aren’t I?” Glam agreed.
Rarity couldn’t explain it, but there was something alluring about GlamRock. His disregard for convention. His unyielding confidence, even arrogance. The way everything he did seemed calculated and effortless at the same time. Everything he said affected her on a visceral level. Just to be included in one of his sentences seemed like an exotic adventure, and here she was at the epicenter of the creative process.
“I’ll get to work on the costumes right away!” Rarity promised, laying out the cash.
“Splendid,” said GlamRock.
“So, let’s review. What are you going to say to her when she walks by?” Rainbow asked Spike.
“Hello?” The heat of the mid-day sun was starting to make him feel sluggish.
“Ugh! No, no, no! You look like you care too much! That’s a huge turn off.”
“It is?”
“As soon as she sees you are interested, that ruins everything! Then she’ll never be interested!” she explained.
“But how will she know I’m interested?”
“She has to think you aren’t interested.”
“And when she’s interested, then I tell her I’m interested?”
“No! That’s the worst time to tell her!”
“What if I mess up and she thinks I’m interested?”
Rainbow saw that this was getting them nowhere. “You got a pair of sunglasses?” she asked.
“No.”
Rainbow pulled out a pair of aviators from behind her back and handed them to Spike. Cautiously, he placed them on and waited to feel cooler. Nothing.
“The eyes are the windows to the soul,” Rainbow explained.
“That’s a good thing, right?”
“Wrong. First rule of being cool: Don’t let people see what you’re thinking. Especially in your case. You have to be mysterious. You’re too predictable.”
“Okay...”
“Let’s see your strut.”
Feeling self-conscious, Spike awkwardly placed one foot in front of the other, meandering in a circular manner. “Like this?”
“You know how I walk like my legs are just sorta carrying me and I don't know it?”
“Yeah...”
Rainbow strutted around him with her head held high and a swagger in her step. “You try.”
Spike tried mimicking exactly what she did as best as someone with two legs possibly could.
“Okay, not bad. Now, let’s go try picking up a mare,” Rainbow added.
Perfectly timed, Pinkie Pie bounced by the two of them.
“Go! Act like you’re not interested in Pinkie Pie,” Rainbow Dash whispered.
“I’m not interested in Pinkie Pie,” Spike protested.
“Great! Use it!”
“Hiya, Spike! Dashie!” Pinkie Pie greeted her friends. Rainbow Dash bolted away, into a cloud. Pinkie blinked, confused. “Hiya, just Spike.”
“Hey,” Spike replied, keeping it cool.
“You enjoying HoofStock so far?” Pinkie continued.
“Sure.” Spike took a seat on a rock, trying to look as relaxed as possible.
“My favorite is that GlamRock fella!” Pinkie said. “Today, while I was making snickerdoodles, I must have sang ‘Perfect Gemstone’ 374 times, before Mr. and Mrs. Cake decided to give me the day off! That was awfully nice of them!”
Even though hearing his rival’s name filled him with frustrated rage, Spike tried his best to purge all emotion from his monosyllabic response. “Cool.”
“And I just can’t wait for the awards ceremony! There are so many talented musicians this year!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Well anyway, I’m off to play in that bounce tent. Wanna come with?”
Spike gazed off into the distance. “That’s a ticket booth,” he corrected her.
“Okay, then! Have fun sitting down!” Pinkie bounded down the road toward the unsuspecting ticket seller.
Rainbow floated down to her student. “That went well. She didn’t think you were interested at all!”
“I’m not interest-” Spike sighed, cutting himself off. “I still don’t see how this exercise helped me. Do you really think I can do this?”
“I know you can, dude,” Rainbow assured. “‘Cause you stick to your guns, like me. And folks like us don’t let a little self-doubt stand in our way.”
“Yeah!” Spike had to agree. If he was anything, he was persistent. “We’re pretty awesome, aren’t we?”
“Now,” Rainbow Dash patted him on the back. “Let’s kick it up a notch.”
“Almost finished,” Rarity assured.
Rarity worked tirelessly through the night, creating the elaborate designs for GlamRock’s new tour. She was just putting the finishing touches on his third costume change, when Glam entered the boutique.
“I really think this new machine has created some of the best work I’ve ever done, in a mere fraction of the time!” she said, giddily.
Glam took her by the hoof. “I would expect nothing less from a talented designer like you.” His deep mascara’d eyes staring into hers made her feel faint. Finally, someone who understood her passion for the arts was giving her the chance to shine.
“I want you to know how much I appreciate this,” she replied. “Admittedly, I’ve been having a little trouble with business lately. This could really turn things around.”
“Sadly, ability is of little account without opportunity,” GlamRock noted, kissing her hoof. As Rarity began to swoon, Glam circled behind her for support. “You’ll have these done by tomorrow, I trust?” He rubbed her shoulders.
“It’s a tall order, but Rarity never lets a client down,” she affirmed.
“There’s a good kid.” He smiled patting her on the head. “You’ll be ready by tomorrow. I have complete faith in you.”
Rarity continued her work, hoping to exceed his expectations.
“Oh Spikey! Let’s totally kiss!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed, in her best Rarity impression.
Spike looked across the picnic table at his mentor in her purple wig and false horn taped to her head. He imagined what the real moment would feel like. “Sure!” he replied with a goofy smile.
“No, Spike! Not yet!” Rainbow yelled throwing off her costume. “Have you learned nothing? You have to play it cool!”
“This won’t work!” Spike yelled. “I can’t be aloof! I can’t wait any longer! I’m crazy about her! By tomorrow she could be touring Equestria with that jerk! Then I’ll never see her again!”
“Fine. Okay. Let’s try to go in the complete opposite direction!” Rainbow suggested.
“Home?” Spike laughed, defeated.
“No! You have to convince her you’re the only game in town. Act like she would have to be completely stupid to not go out with you! Make GlamRock look like a sucker!” said Dash.
“But he’s so smug... and loud...”
“If you want to impress her, you gotta challenge the alpha. You gotta beat GlamRock at his own game!”
“How? I can’t exactly just sing a rock solo.”
Rainbow’s expression lit up. “That’s it! An awesome rock solo!”
“I was just kidding,” Spike backtracked, sensing immanent doom.
“But that’s perfect!”
“Aww jeez... Do I have to write it too?” Spike whined.
“Do you think Rarity is the only pony in the world for you?”
“Yes.” Spike was never more sure of anything.
“Then sing about how you feel! You know! Put it all out there for everypony to see. That’s brave. Mares love that stuff. Believe me!”
“Well... whenever I’m with her, I feel like my legs fall asleep.”
“Good, go with that! You get started on writing, and I’ll go book you a slot at HoofStock!” Rainbow ordered, taking off into the air.
“But Rainbow, I don’t know how to write a song!” Spike yelled back.
“You have twelve hours before showtime! You’ll think of something! See you there!”
At a local tavern, Rarity and Glam raised a glass of apple cider to a job well done.
“To our wonderful talents!” Glam toasted.
“To our wonderful partnership,” Rarity added.
“Are you almost done with the costumes?” GlamRock asked. “I’d like to get them packed away.”
“You’re leaving so soon?”
“That’s the life on the road, my sweet. I’ll be leaving after I win my award tonight, I’m afraid,” Glam said, sure of his success.
“Oh Glam, I just want to say... this weekend has been truly amazing for me! I never would have been able to accomplish any of this without your encouragement. And I can’t thank you enough for the sewing machine.”
“A bauble my dear. A mere bauble. Why don’t you go finish up my stuff, while I pick up that trophy?”
“Oh, I’d love to see you give your acceptance speech.” It was nice to be seen in public with her new special friend.
“Oh, my no. I’m just swinging by to take it. I don’t really do speeches.”
“Well, I’d like to see you pick it up then.”
“Are you sure you can finish on time?”
“Everything is ready to go,” she assured him.
GlamRock forced a grin. “Okay, love. Come along,” he sighed.
Spike waited, nervously, in the backstage wing to hear his name announced. “Are you sure this is a good idea?” he muttered, hearing the eager crowd on the other side of the curtain.
“Life’s not about being sure. If we were sure of everything we’d all be like Twilight and wouldn’t have any fun,” Dash replied.
“Too true,” Spike laughed.
“There’s a smile,” said Dash.
With Rarity in tow, Glam arrived at the judges table, to pick up his award. Once again, the announcer took the stage and greeted her audience. “And now a new act from right here in Ponyville, Spike the dragon!”
The audience cheered at the word “Ponyville”.
“It’s showtime, kid!” Rainbow Dash said. “Go on out there!"
“But- But- I can’t remember any of the words!” Spike squeaked.
“Just think of Rarity’s smile and the words will come,” Rainbow reassured.
“What about the key change and the arpeggio?”
“Just um... think of Rarity’s eyes and the arpeggio will come.”
“What about the acoustics! We didn’t do a mic check!”
“Look, dude, there’s only so far I can stretch this metaphor. Rarity’s nose is your mic check,” Rainbow Dash insisted, pushing Spike onto the stage.
The crowd murmured as Spike entered the spotlight.
“Oh look. It’s that kid you babysit for,” GlamRock said to Rarity.
“What’s Spikey doing up there?” She replied.
Spike clung to the neck of his bass guitar as if it was the only thing keeping his weak knees from collapsing. He approached the mic, timidly.
“Hi... uh...” He looked out to the wings for moral support. Rainbow Dash gave him a reassuring nod. Spike took a deep breath and put on his sunglasses. “This song goes out to a very special mare...”
Rarity’s body tensed up. “Oh please no,” she whimpered.
“...Somepony who I have a special relationship with...” Spike continued.
“Don’t say my name. Don’t say my name. Don’t say my name,” Rarity chanted to herself.
“...Somepony named Rarity,” Spike confirmed.
Everypony turned around to stare at her, as she smiled sheepishly back at them.
The stage mare pressed play on the gramophone, starting his song. Spike looked out into the crowd. His eyes stopped on the mare of his dreams, starring dumbfounded, no doubt over how cool he had become. He began:
Rarity, are you there for me?
‘Cause these last two days gave me clarity.
You killed our date, with such asperity,
Cause contempt breeds from familiarity.
But now I've change my polarity.
Now I'm rocking with temerity!
You say that dragon types are really not your kind...
Some ponies glared back at Rarity with mild disgust. She heard a few mutter the word “racist." She prayed for a fire, a monsoon, anything to stop this from happening.
...Then you found someone like me,
What made you change your mind?
He's scaly and he's green
Breathes fire and is mean
He talks a big game
But he can't proclaim
His feelings for you
Like I do!
As Spike belted out his key change, Rainbow Dash noticed GlamRock creep away from Rarity and whisper to a pony in a black trench coat.
And I ask you now with sincerity
As I rock this bass with my dexterity
Spike played a short but adequate bass solo. While Rarity was still distracted, Glam handed the trench coat pony a large bag and then stepped back to the side of his date.
If you care for me, come up here with me
And our lives will be filled with such prosperity.
Rarity!
Remembering what Rainbow taught him, Spike knelt down and extended his hand to the mortified unicorn who cowered next to GlamRock. “So what do you say, Rarity? Wanna ditch this loser and be my girl?”
The surrounding crowd awaited the answer.
Rarity stood up and glared back at him. “I most certainly do not want to be ‘your girl!’ I didn’t come to this concert to be made into a spectacle! I like spending time with GlamRock and with each passing moment, I’m becoming less and less fond of you!”
“But! But!” Spike had no rebuttal.
“The only reason I said that I didn’t date dragons, was to spare you some humiliation! The least you could have done was return the favor!” Rarity yelled nice and loud so the whole audience could hear.
“There, there. It’s over now. It’s time we head back and start packing up your work, so I can leave,” GlamRock comforted his date, trophy in hand.
“Wait! This isn’t what it looks like! I just- Rainbow Dash was-” Panicked, Spike couldn’t get a full sentence out.
“Just go away,” Rarity pleaded with tears in her eyes. She turned, leaving him to wallow in the moment.
The crowd, upset that personal drama that they couldn’t even hear was taking place instead of music, began to “boo” the dragon off the stage. Rarity and GlamRock exited the scene, as Spike slunk back out into the wing.
**********
Rainbow Dash approached Spike, who sat, dejected, off stage.
“Not bad, but I think your rhyme scheme needs a little more variation. I didn’t recognize half of those words.”
“I’ll let you borrow Twilight’s rhyming dictionary,” Spike snapped.
“Don’t worry about it,” Rainbow moved on. “I’ve got a new idea! So, it starts with you punching GlamRock right in the face. Then she’ll see-”
“No, Dash!” Spike Interrupted. “No more ideas! I’m not an alpha dragon! I don’t want to be! Just leave me alone!”
“Hey, you’re not serious blaming me for this?!” Spike’s tone struck a guilty nerve in her. “You were the one who couldn’t even-”
Spike began to weep, shutting her up. He couldn’t even work up the confidence to argue this time.
Rainbow solemnly put her hoof on his shoulder. “...I’m sorry, Spike. This part is always the worst.”
“Oh, like you’d even know,” he cried, indignantly.
“Hey. Do you see me here with anypony?” she replied, calmly.
“Well, you hate all this stupid mushy stuff anyway.”
Dash took a moment to reflect. “Nopony ever thinks to take a mare out for speed racing or explosions,” Rainbow Dash explained. “I’ve had more rejection than you think.”
Spike looked up at his friend.
“I’m sorry if I... loused things up,” she said.
Spike smiled, sadly. “It’s funny. I always thought Rarity and I could be good together, and now I know we can’t. If I had just kept my mouth shut and stayed home, I would still at least...”
“You gave it your best, kid. No shame in it if you tried,” Rainbow said.
“Mr.... Spike, is it?” The stage mare approached them.
“What?” he replied, wiping his face.
She tossed him a bag of money. “Here’s your cash prize.”
“Cash prize?” Spike asked.
“Yes, you performed unopposed in your category, so you get a prize,” the stage mare confirmed.
“What?!” Spike sat up, feeling the weight of the bag.
“Best non-pony child performer,” the mare explained. “If it were up to me you wouldn’t get anything for that sorry display, but rules are rules. Someone has to win.”
“So I get a bag of money for publicly humiliating myself?”
“Like the filmmaker Woody Stallion said, ‘80% of success is showing up.’ ”
“What’s the other 20%?” Spike asked.
“I’ll take it from here miss,” Rainbow Dash smirked. “Let’s go home, kid. I’ll tell you all about it on the way over.”
“Wait. Who won best non-pony adult performer?” Spike feared the answer.
The stage mare rolled her eyes. “GlamRock,” she said with resentment.
“You’re not a fan either, I take it?” said Rainbow Dash.
“I used to be his costume designer. We had some creative differences.”
“Oh, our friend Rarity is his costume designer now,” Dash noted.
“My condolences,” the pony replied.
“What kind of creative differences?” Spike asked.
“I thought I should be paid for my work. He didn’t.” Rainbow and Spike gave her an incredulous look. “I know. I was young and stupid. I thought he liked me and I did it as a favor at first. Then he skipped town and never talked to me again. I tried taking him to court, but without a written contract the case was thrown out.”
“Why would he do that? He’s rich!” Spike asked, confused.
“Ha! That’s the best part!” the stage mare continued. “He’s great at spending other people’s money but he doesn’t actually have any of his own! He’s in so much debt with the way he lives, he already used his prize money to payoff his losses at last week’s pegasus race.”
“That’s what that was!” Rainbow exclaimed, remembering the pony in the black coat. “He didn’t want Rarity to see his prize money!”
“Yeah, your friend will be lucky if she got two bits out of him,” the pony scoffed.
“He’s about to leave town with Rarity’s costumes!” Spike gasped.
“Not on my watch!” Rainbow Dash kneeled down in take-off position. “Let’s roll!”
Spike grabbed his prize and hopped on her back. Rainbow jetted off to Carousel Boutique.
“Yes. These will do, just fine.” GlamRock looked over his new costumes in Rarity’s show room.
“Where will you go from here?” Rarity asked placing each one into a box.
“Canterlot is our next stop,” Glam replied.
“Oh, how wonderful! It’s a beautiful city, I’m sure you know.” Rarity folded up the last outfit.
“Well, it certainly has been an incredible weekend, milady,” GlamRock began, “But I’m off!”
“I don’t suppose, I could come along for a few cities...” Rarity suggested. “We can see Equestria together?”
“Right... Oh, wait, no, no. No, we can’t,” GlamRock said. “We... we don’t have enough seats. It’s a shame really, I told them to install more seats.”
“It’s a trailer...”
“Right... right... It is a trailer but... but I certainly won’t have a lady stand in a moving vehicle. What kind of host would I be?”
“We could share a seat.”
“Well that... would violate the law I’m afraid, and I’m already on probation for driving though a chicken coop at 3:00am last month.”
Rainbow Dash landed outside the shop, letting Spike off.
“He’s still here,” she said, peering though a window at GlamRock. “Let’s go.”
“Wait. I gotta do this alone,” Spike insisted.
“Spike, I’ve been thinking...” Rainbow sighed, “It’s time to move on. This has been fun, but there’s no sense devoting your life to something that won’t work out.”
“I got her involved. If I don’t make this right, she might not even trust me as a friend.”
Rainbow nodded, understanding.
“Well, I suppose this is goodbye then.” Rarity was crushed.
“I’ll just take these costumes and then be on my way,” GlamRock said, reaching for the box of clothes.
“Not so fast!” Spike interjected, stepping into the room. “You planning of paying for any of this?”
“Spike, no need to be rude!” Rarity interrupted. “Of course he is. Cash or credit, Glam?”
“Ooo, yeah I can’t pay you right now. This suit has no pockets. No wallet on me. But do send me a bill,” GlamRock replied.
“Horseapples! You don’t have any money and you know it!” Spike yelled. “I heard the whole thing!”
“What is he talking about, Glam?” Rarity asked.
“Come on! You’re going to take this little half-wit's word?” Glam protested.
“He may be a bit misguided, but I’ve never had a reason not to trust him,” Rarity explained.
“Well, truth be told, I am a slightly, slightly light on funds, right at the moment, love. But we're friends now. We don’t need to worry about silly things like money. It’s so unclassy, right?”
“I’m sorry, Glam.” Rarity paused for a moment. “I wouldn’t normally insist, but I really do need that money. It’s just that the sewing machine you had me buy has put me in a bit of debt. And as you know, business hasn't been very good lately...”
“And being friends with a celebrity will drive business in. See? It all works out! That’s a GlamRock guarantee.” GlamRock picked up his box of costumes.
Spike slapped it out of his hands. “Tell her the truth.”
“Yes, Mr. Rock,” Rarity insisted. “Explain yourself.”
“Alight fine, you want to know the truth?” GlamRock asked.
“I think I’m entitled to it!” Rarity snapped.
“There is no money!” GlamRock admitted. “I’m broke!”
“What? But you’re a famous musician!” Rarity exclaimed, in disbelief.
“But I’m also a dragon! They pay me in gems! I’ve eaten my entire fortune!” GlamRock moped. “One you get a taste for that rock, you can’t ever shake it! I’ve got a problem Rarity, I need help.”
“You never even intended on paying me, did you?” Rarity boomed, unconvinced.
“No, not really,” GlamRock replied with a smile.
“You thought you could get by on your celebrity and your tough-guy attitude and your- your ‘implications!’”
“And the good looks. Don’t forget, I am rather dashing,” GlamRock reminded.
“I think you’d better go,” Rarity scowled.
“Alright then. I’ll just be on my way,” GlamRock sighed, picking up his commissions.
“Leave the costumes,” Rarity grumbled.
“Right.” GlamRock waltzed out of the shop.
“Don’t let the door hit your tail on the way out!” Spike yelled.
GlamRock exited into sudden a downpour of rain, drenching him from head to toe. “My suit! This is real suede!”
“That’s a shame,” Rainbow Dash replied.
“It wasn’t raining five minutes ago!” GlamRock whined.
“Weather’s funny like that,” Rainbow Dash smirked.
“I’m so stupid!” Rarity wept, humiliated. “How could I let someone swindle me like that?”
“You’re not stupid, Rarity,” said Spike. “You’re are the most gifted, intelligent pony I know. The very idea that he made you feel this way, I just... I just wanna...” Spike clenched his fists, trying to hold back his rage. “He doesn’t deserve to know you.”
Rarity smiled through her tears. "Whoever I do end up with, I hope he's a lot like you..." Rarity kissed Spike on the cheek. "...but not you." Finally being honest.
Spike took a second to let that last part sink in. He just helped vanquished what was possibly the worst thing that ever happened in her life and this was the result. Rainbow Dash was right. It really was hopeless.
Spike cleared his throat. “Well now that GlamRock is gone, I suppose you’ll be wanting to get back to work. I’ll leave you to that...”
“Oh, Spike!” Rarity burst into tears. “He left me with nothing. I- I can’t possibly pay off this sewing machine! I won’t make that much in a year! I’ll have to close down the shop.”
Spike’s heart sank. There was now no choice in the matter. He placed a reassuring hand on Rarity’s cheek. “Here.” Spike dropped his bag of money in front of the crying pony.
“What’s this?” Rarity sniffled.
“It’s enough to cover your debt,” he explained. “I won it for my song about you. And now it’s yours.”
“Spike, no. I can’t accept this.”
“You don’t really have a choice,” Spike noted. “I’m not going to let your years of hard work be destroyed over one bad decision. You owe it to yourself to take it.”
Rarity’s eyes welled up at her savior’s selfless gesture.
“Oh, Spike, you’re an angel.” She hugged her friend. “It’s going to take a while, but I swear I’ll pay you back as soon as I can.”
“Don’t worry about it. It’s a gift.”
“I- I don’t know what to say. You’re the best friend a pony could have.” Rarity wiped away her tears. “I really mean that.”
“I know you do,” Spike replied. “I finally do.”
Spike walked back out into the cold, grey afternoon to see Rainbow Dash waiting by the doorway.
“Why did you just give her all the money?” she asked. “You know it's a lost cause, right? This won’t make her like you.”
“I know giving her my prize money won’t make her like me,” Spike replied. “But getting rejected doesn’t make me stop liking her. If I can at least make her happy, it’s a victory I’m willing to take.”
Rainbow Dash looked at the dragon with a tragic melange of admiration and pity. “You’re a good guy, Spike. Just remember that.”
“Thanks,” he sighed, and began to walk home. “See ya, Dash.”
“Wait,” Rainbow called back. “Look, I had a lot of fun this weekend so... If you ever have two tickets to something again... and your date cancels... and if I’m not too busy...”
“I’ll let you know.” Spike smiled back.
“Cool,” Rainbow replied. “I gotta go... do pegasus stuff. Take care, kid.”
“Take care, Rainbow.”
As Spike walked away, the overcast parted, lighting his way back home.
