Max Payne: Pony Pioneer

by Acclamations

Rating: everyone
Tags: Human, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Sad, Other, Princess Luna, Spike, Comedy, Princess Celestia, Crossover
Length: 8363

Max Payne un-willfully travels to Equestria.

Max, the renegade cop and the top at the Police Academy has fallen. In the past. Now, he's a underground peace maker doing things his way, until he gets to Equestria. What new things will unfold for our cold hero?

*Romance is up to viewer's suggestion.*

Published 2012-07-19 14:04:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-09-06 22:56:15 UTC

Chapter 1: The End of the Payne

Chapter 1: The End of the Payne

It was a cold autumn afternoon in New York. Mondays always meant the time to take a day off, especially for Max Payne. People talked on their cellphones, buses beeping and trucks roaring down the street to get to their drop off spot. The city was always full of lunatics, rapists and serial killers waiting for a chance to do their thing, even in broad daylight. Kids ran down the street and piling into school before they got the Iron Fist for being late.

Max was relaxing on a park bench as the orange leaves brushed past his feet. He wore a nice, sleek black suit and designer shoes for the occasion. He was eating a hotdog, with ketchup and a little bit of relish. He also had a hidden Forty in a paper bag to get rid of the relish taste. Too much at a time leaves a bad taste in Max’s mouth. He was waiting for a contact, waiting for a new job. But with Max’s experience in the work force, he was only cut out for one job, like a christmas tree cookie cutter you only use on that special time of the year. It was a calm and quiet, something Max didn’t get as often as he wished. A woman sat down next to Max, catching his attention. She looked like a jogger with an iPod strapped to her thigh. It wasn’t uncommon for people to be jogging in the afternoon, it was the craze in New York nowadays. She took out a flash drive and gave it to Max. Max nodded and the jogger got back up, going about on her daily jogging route.

Max sighed and stood up. He took one final swig at his cheap liquor before throwing it out in a garbage can.

“Time to get started...” Max mumbled and walked back home.

Meanwhile, in Ponyville, things were going according to plan for Twilight Sparkle and her dearest assistant Spike. She was in her library, checking things off of her list, making sure it is doubly checked and triple checked. As for the poor green dragon, having to put up with this “injustice”, he checked off the things on the list for the overly secure egghead of a purple unicorn.

“Ink?” Twilight chirped happily as she put the items into her bag.

“Check...” Spike droned.

“Quills?”

“Check.”

“Journal?”

“Check.”

“Alright, that’s that! We’ve double and tripled checked this whole library and we’re ready to open for the day!” A loud knocking came from the door and Twilight trotted to the door as Spike sighed a breath of relief and put the clipboard away. I might just need to see Fluttershy later this day, this stinks! Spike sighed again and shook his head. The door creaked open as Twilight craned her neck to see who it was. Seeing no one was in sight, she was just about to close the door when she noticed a box on her doorstep. A neatly placed box with a bow on it.

“Who could this be from?” Twilight said to herself. She picked up the box with her hoof, but couldn’t move it. “Why is it so heavy? I didn’t order anything today, did you Spike?” Twilight turned her head to an exhausted Spike who slowly shook his head. Twilight thought this was odd and all of a sudden, a bright pink blur crashed into Twilight.
“Surprise, Twilight! Happy Birthday!” Pinkie Pie jumped around the lavender mare, throwing confetti and blowing on streamers. She reached into her mane and pulled out a cake, neatly topped with strawberries and a “Happy Birthday Twilight!” inscription on top. It was impressive, being able to stuff a cake into one’s mane but it was Pinkie Pie, so it wasn’t at all a feat worth praising for.

“How did you know it was my birthday, Pinkie?” Twilight rubbed her head and touched her horn, wincing at how much of a powerhouse Pinkie was.

“I know everything, you silly filly! How can you forget?” Pinkie flashed her signature grin and put down another present on the floor. She tapped the top and it exploded, full of banners and ponies that came along to celebrate Twilight’s party. Fruit punch, snacks and flowers landed onto tables strewn about the library. Spike was under a pile of books during the whole process and brushed himself off.

“Man, why am I always getting the bad end of the stick?” Spike whined and started to go upstairs when a distinct voice called for him.

“Oh, dear Spike! Are you alright? You look like a wreck.” Rarity trotted up the stairs to meet Spike, brushing off some dust from his spikes. Spike melted like putty in the hooves of his crush and like a drunkard nodded his head off.

“W-why of c-course! T-thanks a lot R-r-r-r-rarity!” Spike slumped against the railing as Rarity continued to tend to Spike. Rainbow was rubbing her wings when she popped out of the magical box, along with Fluttershy and Applejack.

“So that’s why you stuffed me into this box! I thought we were going to a party, not being shipped across Equestria!” Rainbow stretched her spine and with a satisfying snap, she used her wings to hover across the crowd.

“Ah, yes. It’s quite... interesting, being put in a box.” Fluttershy squeaked. She dug her hoof into the wood and noticed the large amount of ponies that were also put into the box and hid behind Applejack, who at the moment, were talking to some folk about how the apple season was coming up.

“Ah just can’ wait for tha Apple season, we’re makin’ lots a’ more of them famous Apple cider since it hit th’ shelves like them zap apples!” Applejack smiled when the ponies she was talking too murmured in excitement, double the cider! She tilted her stetson in success which inadvertently covered her large smile.

“My, Pinkie Pie! What a pleasant surprise, inviting all these ponies to celebrate my birthday. I never had this much people come to my birthday party, it was usually Mr. Smarty Pants, my mom and dad.” Twilight blushed and felt a little down but Pinkie slapped her back.

“Oh, Twilight! You have us friends to celebrate all the parties! We’re your friends!” Pinkie smiled, which made Twilight tear up a bit.

“Thanks, Pinkie. I really mean it. This means a lot to me.” Twilight started to cry, which caught the attention of the crowd. Rainbow landed beside Twilight and gave her a soft push.

“Oh c’mon egghead, don’t cry. This is your birthday! It’s supposed to be awesome!”

“Yes, lighten up, dear. This is the supposed to be the best day of your life!” Rarity also stood next to her.

“Uhm, yes, stop crying Twilight, it’s okay.” Fluttershy rubbed Twilight’s back in an attempt to soothe Twilight.

“We’re all here for ya Twilight, we’re your friends!” Applejack gave her an apple, a bright red apple that Twilight could see herself smiling whilst sobbing at the same time.

“GROUP HUG!” Pinkie exclaimed and she hugged Twilight hard, almost choking her and stopping her tears. Other ponies also came to hug the now ecstatic Twilight, laughing as sher day started to brighten up. A rumbling came from outside and it stopped momentarily before the front door opened up to Princess Celestia and Luna, who surprised the guests. All of them bowed but they waved them off, making them stand up.

“Princess Celestia and Princess Luna! What are you doing here?” Twilight asked.

“Why, Twilight, thou couldn’st have missed thy birthday.” Luna spoke. She was getting used to the way ponies spoke now, after being banished for 1000 years on the moon. Although she was feared at first, she earned most ponies respect and they treat her with the same level like Princess Celestia.

“Yes, yes. You are my dearest student after all, Twilight Sparkle.” Celestia trotted over to the punch bowl, where ponies stood away from Celestia, fearing that they might get in trouble if they don’t.

“Please, my little ponies, no need for the formalities. We are all guests here. Please, do the same for my dear sister as well.” The ponies sighed and returned back to their positions, but some were still nervous when either Princess came close.

Twilight sighed. Can this day get any better?

Gunshots rang out from the apartment building Max was in. He was on the roof, pitted against a group of mobsters he was ordered to take out, mainly because they were the ones that shot at him first. The type of shit I get myself in, how the hell do I always get out alive? Max pondered for a few seconds before the cover he was hiding in got shot at. Max jumped out and time slowed down drastically. Max could virtually deal damage to any enemy in his Bullet Time, a strange but unique ability Max can wield after a set amount of time. Too long of a strain would make Max nauseous and woozy, but Painkillers took care of that. Max continued to dive out of cover, twisting his body in the process to avoid any incoming bullets. He sprayed into the group and hit the roof into another spot of cover. Two mobsters hit the roof, dead. The other three, nervous but still a little cocky, decided to jump over to the other building to get to Max. One jumped but was shot by Max, falling down through the narrow crack and slamming into a dumpster. The remaining enemies realized they had to get out and booked it, before being gunned down consecutively.

Max choked down a bottle of painkillers and sighed. Just like any other stinking job... The seas will be red with my name as the owner of it. Max scratched his head and he ran down back to floor level. People were crowding over the apartment building during the whole ordeal and quickly scattered when Max opened the front door. His suit was full of bullets and dirt from all that rolling and dodging around. He holstered his pistol and got back to his car, driving back home. He arrived at a run down apartment building and got out of his car. He stepped inside and took the elevator ride up to the 18th floor and exited to turn down a hallway. At the end, Max entered the last room and slammed the door shut, opening the fridge to take out a warm bottle of beer.

“At least I’m getting money for doing this crap.” Max sighed. A rustling was heard and a fat envelope was slipped through Max’s door mail slot. “Speak of the devil.” Max got up and cut opened the envelope. Inside was a stack of hundreds and a note.
Hello, Max
Thanks to your services, we paid you extra for doing a good job of stirring up the people of New York. Keep it up, we’ll contact you again soon. Max threw the note in the garbage can and looked at his stack of cash. Max counted the stack before taking out a shoebox and slipping it in.

“$5000 this time. Not bad, but not good either. I’m not gonna survive in this shithole if my rates are going to turn out like this.” Max started to relax and flicked on the TV when a knocking came at the door. “What am I, a celebrity?” Max opened the door and no one was in sight. He looked down and saw a package. Nice and brown, Max closed his door and opened the package. Beep. Beep. Beep. Max’s eyes widened. “A shitting bomb.” The bomb continued to beep, a timer on it’s side. 10 seconds left until it exploded. Shit. What to do... I can’t bring it outside, I’d kill the people in the vicinity. The trash chute is too far and if I were to plant it on someone else, the police will come and find me. Shit. Max’s head was furiously pouring in ideas as the timer continued to clock down. 5 seconds left. Max sighed and slapped his forehead, laughing. “What a way to burn out.” The bomb fizzled out when it reached zero. Max, confused, scratched his head got angry. He kicked the bomb. Not a good idea. The explosion knocked back Max out of the window. His last time seeing was of him soaring in the air and the floor of the apartment being demolished. He could hear screams from his neighbors, well, dead neighbors now, and he felt like shit. Painkillers can’t fix the Payne. Not anymore. Max started to plummet as his limp body gained velocity. He turned his body to take a look at how much longer this pain would go on. Only a few feet left.

Thud.

The party ended rather nicely, despite the fact of two royal sisters and an eccentric party pony with the illusive pink mane. Princess Luna and Celestia waved goodbye to Twilight and co. before getting back on their carriage, giving some cake to their escorts and guardsmen. Especially the pegasi who were flying the carriage were given some good chocolate ice cream cake, a Pinkie special recipe. Spike, the ever obedient give a sultry wave goodbye to Rarity, the love of his life. Twilight used her magic to put everything back into order, the spills on the floor boards and the put the leftover cake in the fridge. Spike closed the door as the last pony left the library and sighed.

“Wow, what a party, Twilight. I wish we could have another like this!” Spike laughed and looked at the clock. “And it’s only 11:30 AM! I feel like all the energy has been sucked out of me.” Spike yawned and walked back to his bed, jumping onto it and pulling his favorite blankie over himself. Twilight giggled at the baby dragon and how easily he was tuckered out. Twilight decided to go out to get some more materials for the library, some new books, a new bookshelf, things like that. So she scrawled a note and left it on the table and set off to Canterlot.

The carriage ride at the airport was alright, the ride was comfortable enough and the ponies were kinda relaxed so it was a pleasant trip. Even though having over 40 pegasi carry a giant carriage and having the fear of one of them having a wing cramp was enough for Twilight to relinquish that relaxing mood. The carriage landed in the Princess Celestia International Airport, the PCIA, for short, and Twilight got off of the carriage. The airport was decked out, all marble, beautiful statues and delicious food, and a ceiling that had a painting from Michequinealo that illustrated a beautiful sky, the sun at its center piece. All of this for one airport dedicated to Princess Celestia. The Princess Luna International Airport was just as beautiful, obsidian floors that with a little magic, seemed to give off a relaxing mood. The midnight sky and full moon, and the plentiful stars painted by Pony Ross. His puffy round mane was always iconic in Equestria and some celebrities had even gotten hairstyles like his. Anyway, Twilight was always amazed every time she came to Canterlot. She exited the airport and trotted off to the Canterlot Library, which wasn’t far away from the airport, surprisingly. The old, quaint, peaceful place near the blasting sounds of rumbling carriages. Despite the distance, it was still pretty quiet in the library.

Twilight walked into the library and asked the librarian if she could buy some supplies. Typically, libraries don’t give stuff away, it’s common sense not to give away things you need. But, being Celestia’s prodigal student and all, the librarian pointed the way to the back. Twilight trotted happily away to the closet in the back. It contained massive amounts of items Twilight needed for her own small library back in Ponyville. Grabbing only the essentials, she thanked the librarian on her way out and exited the library.

She started to take a few steps down the stairs leading to the library when she heard a whirring sound.

“What is that noise?” Twilight said. It seemed pretty distant and none of the other ponies seemed to notice. She looked around for the noise and finally looked up. She saw a small, teeny speck of black, careening down towards Canterlot Castle. Twilight squinted to get a better view when it dawned on her. She gasped.

“What if that’s a meteor! What if it’ll destroy the castle! Princess Celestia and Luna will be hurt! But, maybe they took countermeasures, surely Princess Luna had foreseen this during the previous night or something...” Twilight, being the worry bug she is, quickly stuffed all the supplies in her knapsack and ran towards the castle, hoping she would make it in time.

Max felt a cool breeze running across his back. His eyes were shut, and it felt nice. It was dark, yet welcoming. So this is what death is like? Max thought. It was a long time, ever since he descended into a clinically insane state of mind. It was peaceful. But something didn’t seem quite right. If he was dead, why was he still able to think, or feel? Max tried to move, and surprisingly, he did move. But only a bit. He opened his eyes and was welcomed with bright white clouds flying up, past him. It took Max a minute to figure out that he was falling. Fast. Max used his body to maneuver around in the air to look down. He could see the bright green of the Earth. Colorful towns and forests as far as the eye can see. He looked directly down now and noticed a castle. Yellow and white in a few places, a waterfall, a mountain and it was also conveniently perched on a cliff. Max panicked, but started to calm down as he was charging straight for the pool of water by the waterfall. In a few seconds, Max hit the water, face first, causing a stinging sensation around his eyes and nose. Sinking into the liquid abyss, the cold water woke Max awake and he swam up, emerging like a dolphin (lol okay). The sight made Max slightly sick. It was like an oasis. Too peaceful, too care free. That means there must be some lot of corrupt people here, running the things, and what surprised him the most is that it doesn’t look like a hell hole. Max got out of the water and noticed he was at the base of the cliff.

“Some castle, an easy explosion can bring down the whole cliff and the castle.” Max scoffed and started to look around. Forest all around him, a good place for him to hide, but also easy to get lost in. Max noticed a dirt path not too far from his current location and also a sign post. Max hopped over a fence and peered over the sign.

“Ponyville, 100km east.” Max rubbed his chin. “Ponyville? What kind of name is Ponyville? Is it a ranch?” Max said quietly. “It is the only thing labeled here... Hmmm...” Max said.

The castle was just in sight for Twilight Sparkle’s furious rush through the dirt path. “Just a little longer and I’ll reach the front entrance to the castle.” Twilight said. She wasn’t the most athletic person like Rainbow Dash or Applejack, but she could still run if she paced herself.

“Where is this place, anyway?” Max said. He noticed a small line of text under the Ponyville sign.

Ponyville,the humble yet destructive town of Equestria. Max scratched his head.

“Equestria? Isn’t that some place in South Africa?” Max looked around again, to see if he was hallucinating. “It’s too green here. And there’s a shitting castle just a little further ahead.”

Twilight continued to speed trot her way to the castle, which was fairly big now that Twilight had closed a considerable distance.

“I can see the signpost from over her-” Twilight stopped. A weird... thing... stood, looming over the signpost. It wore black clothing and had hair on it’s head. Twilight gasped. A new creature! I haven’t seen these before! Not even when reading the books in the library had anything like this! Twilight giggled slightly. A small piece of her hair stood up, out of place, like a spear in the dirt. She took out her journal from her knapsack and spread it open, it’s spine resting on a small hill.

“Hehehehehehehehe!” Twilight cackled a little before taking out a quill and inkpot. Dipping her quill into the ink, she started to draw the creature in front of her.

“I feel uneasy.” Max said. He started to feel this way when his back tensed up and his eyes started to dilate. He continued to look at the sign, to hopefully hear the presumed attacker that would pounce onto him. Max stood up like a tree, looking over the sign into the wilderness. I only have my Desert Eagle in my holster. Max stealthily unholstered it and took out the clip. 7 bullets, a full clip. These damn bullet sizes take up the damn space, but they do the job. Max put the clip back in and checked his pockets. 7 clips. Max sighed.

“Now for the face. If only he turned around...” Twilight giggled maniacally on her small perch on her hill. Unfortunately, Twilight got her wish. Just the wrong kind. Max took out his pistol and shot at the general direction of where Twilight was. Twilight, not expecting her life in danger, panicked when a metal bullet whizzed a mere inch from her horn. She ducked behind her hill, clutching onto her journal for dear life.

“What in Celestia’s name was that?” Twilight gasped in between breaths. Max, seeing a purple blur, re holstered his gun and resumed his former look, looking past the sign and standing perfectly straight and still. “Did that... creature, try to attack me?” Twilight peeked out from the hill, and saw the creature still looking like before. “If it didn’t attack me, what did?” Twilight scratched her chin with her hoof.

Max, now knowing where the presumed “person” was hiding, he played it cool to tip him off. At least, he assumed it was a man. Max hopped the fence and made a mad dash into the plains. Twilight saw the creature run at a amazingly quick pace and decided to chase after it. She couldn’t was the time mulling over who tried to attack her. And this was an unknown creature in Equestria. Twilight stuffed her journal and quill back into her bag and used a tight cork to seal her inkpot. She then broke off on a mad dash towards the creature, who has ran a incredible amount of distance.

Max’s assumed attacker was now giving chase, because he can hear the footsteps of him just behind him. Rather, more than usual, not counting his own. Max decided to sprint full force, knowing his attacker doesn’t have a weapon. And right now, killing a resident of Equestria would kill his chances of making allies on getting back home. Max turned his head slightly, and quickly looked back ahead. A purple... horse with a horn? Max turned slightly behind again, to get a closer look. There it was, a purple unicorn running at Max, squeezing its eyes shut with a small blob of tears forming on the end, panting as it ran. Apparently, it was running pretty hard. What type of drugs have I been on? Maybe the painkillers are taking it’s toll on my body. Max continued to run as he rushed past the forest. The unicorn wasn’t letting up either.

The creature ran faster than Twilight could keep up with. Twilight had to give it her all and it was pretty straining on her muscles. She squeezed her eyes, so hard, that tears started to come out. She made a face that made her look kinda cute, but nonetheless, she was losing speed. Her magic would come in handy, but the teleportation spell would just teleport her past the creature. She had to pinpoint the exact coordinate as to where it would be in the next second, or it would just teleport her to a default of 10 feet.

And so, the two ran and ran, past the dirt road, far from the castle, and was nearing Ponyville when Twilight decided to just give up and teleported. Max kept running until a purple ball of thunder startled him and the unicorn was in front of him. Max couldn’t stop his running in time and the two collided with a soft squish sound. Twilight had her eyes closed the whole time and when she opened her eyes, she saw a belt. She felt a heavy weight on her horn and it was buzzing like crazy. She looked up and saw that her horn was...dug into the creature’s abdominales. Red liquid dripped from the area of penetration and it dripped onto Twilight’s face.

“Hi, I’m Max Payne, and I died to a unicorn.” Max’s body went limp and he came off of the horn, falling down onto the ground. Right infront of Ponyville. In front of every pony who just happened to be there, especially her friends.

“Oh Celestia.” Twilight eyes shrunk as she realized current situation she was in.

Chapter 2: Rocky Start

Chapter 2: Rocky Start

Max went into limbo as his body was transported to Canterlot. Twilight was frantic in the ordeal and sent a letter to Princess Celestia, detailing what events had just recently transpired, none of them good. Princess Celestia replied by sending a few guards and a carriage to take the “innocent” creature and Twilight to Canterlot for closer inspection. The ride to Canterlot made Twilight nervous, the blood on her face and horn were wiped clean, but it left a small layer of red on her coat. Max was next to her on a stretcher, not moving at all. His clothes were left intact, they didn’t want to disturb the already presumed deceased creature.

“It’s already dead, why are we taking this to Canterlot again?” A guard asked his fellow crew.

“By royal order, now shut up and keep moving. Princess Celestia is expecting this to come quickly.” A older voice growled at them, keeping the carriage moving. Twilight ignored the comment, focusing on Max’s body. Thoughts were racing through her head, telling her to get ready for magic kindergarten. Eventually, they arrived at the Royal Canterlot Airstrip, the castle’s personal airway for carriages. Twilight got off, along with the few pegasi carrying Max’s body. Max was then transferred, checked in and put into the operation room while Twilight sat outside in the waiting room, twiddling her hooves.

In the west side of New York, I was born and raised, As a cop spending most of my days... Max thought. That Fresh Prince of Bel-Air song was stuck and he couldn’t do jack about it. Max sighed. Inside his mind. Shit was happening and he didn’t know what was going on. His muscles didn’t respond to him, his brain was basically dead, inactive, all he could do is think. And think.

This must be what Hell is like. Or purgatory, who knows. I don’t, that’s for sure. In real time, the surgeon ponies were patching him up, pumping blood into him to keep him alive. Turns out the pony blood and human blood are almost the same, just a difference in color. Beep. Beep. Beep. went the machines. The surgeon ponies, a handful of them unicorns, used a healing spell to revert the damage and soon enough, the hole had sealed itself. A convenient bottle of painkillers were on the side table, and was put into Max’s pockets. One doctor noticed that there were already several inside Max’s pockets, but didn’t say anything, ignoring it. The clock that hung from the wall ticked ever so slowly, and eventually, the operation was finished. Twilight was giddy from waiting for Max, sitting outside for the whole four hours waiting for them to finish. When they came out, she rushed over to Max but was stopped by a doctor.

“He’s in a severe condition. We can’t judge on how he did in the operation but it would be best if he wasn’t touched for now. Any interference can reopen the wound.” Twilight sighed.
“Can I at least stay with him?” Twilight asked. The doctor smiled slightly.

“Alright. But don’t touch the wound.” The doctor trotted away, tending to another patient. A few assistants pushed the small stretcher and was going to one of the administered rooms when another doctor stopped them.

“Is this the creature?” The nurse noted. The doctors nodded, trying to wheel pass the nurse when she stopped it. “He’s to be put into one of the higher rooms.” The doctors shrugged and got onto the elevator, going all the way up. Reaching the 98th floor, the assistants got out and went to the designated room, 9807. They pushed it open and Max was transferred into the bed, still hooked up to the various chems and liquids that kept him alive.

Being the dark was a common thing for Max Payne. Most notably, the duration of time after being knocked unconscious so many times, his head got used to it. Max started to wake up, his eyes slowly opened until a flash of light shone in his eyes, blinding him temporarily. Max grunted and heard a shuffling noise, followed by a hard smack to the ground.

“Ow...” The voice said. It sounded female, and a soft rubbing came afterwards. Max was really curious now. Who would put Max Payne into a hospital? Max forcefully opened his eyes, ignoring the light and everything came to view. It was a carpet room, with white walls and a nice window for the skylight. A small nightstand next to the bed that was conveniently perched into the corner of the room and some paintings on the walls. It was a one person room, but provided the regular necessities. It looked a lot like home. Max looked down at the floor and stopped slightly, but stared at the purple unicorn from earlier. Twilight can feel a pair of eyes look at her and stopped moving. All together, it looked like a picture.

Well, this is interesting, to say the least. I’m in a room with a purple unicorn, I guess. Max thought. Twilight turned around and smiled sheepishly.

“H-h-hello.” She sputtered. Max’s eyes widened slightly, but stayed quiet. “I’m sorry for... what I did earlier...” She looked down at the carpet pattern, ashamed. “I just wanted to study you. You weren’t in any of the textbooks I saw and I was curious.”

Hmm, should I say anything or should I just let this play out? Max thought, again. Judging by her appearance, the unicorn was genuinely sorry and Max sighed. This caught Twilight’s attention but Max didn’t take his eyes off the unicorn. Twilight shrunk a bit. His eyes intimidated Twilight, but she pressed on.

“I’m sorry.” She said again. She laughed a little. “Look at me, I’m talking to a creature who probably doesn’t understand what I’m saying.”

“Actually, I can understand every word that came out of your mouth.” Max said, cooly. Twilight was caught surprised and fell on her flank, crab walking backwards like you would do in 2nd grade gym class.

“Y-YOU C-CAN T-T-TALK!?” Twilight exclaimed.

“Yes yes, now get your ass up. You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” Max retorted, crossing his arms. Twilight continued to sit there, which much to her dismay, made Max angry.

“For God’s sake, get up!” Max mowed down Twilight’s train of thought and got up, laughing nervously.

“S-sorry. Kinda got sidetracked...” She sat back down on the chair next to Max, who calmed down a bit.

“So. Where am I?” Max said sternly.

Twilight was confused. “We’re obviously in Equestria, er...”

“Max Payne. And you?”

“Twilight Sparkle. What kind of name is Max Payne?”

“It’s a name that’s not from Equestria, smart one.” Max scoffed. Twilight ignored the comment.

“So you’re not from Equestria? Then how’d you get here!” Twilight threw her hooves in the air. Every pony had to have heard of Equestria, there was no way he was telling the truth. Twilight chuckled. “Stop telling jokes, Max. Every pony heard of Equestria!” Max looked at her with a deep look. As if he’s staring into her soul.

“I, for one, am not a pony, and two, I am not joking. Where the hell am I, Twilight. Sparkle?” Max jabbed a finger at Twilight’s belly, making her cough a little.

“Princess Celestia?”

“Who’s that.”

“Elements of Harmony?”

“What’s that.”

“Nightmare Moon!?” Twilight was starting to panic.

“That’s what you call the moon?” Max sighed. Twilight was panicking, spacing out again. What if he’s a changeling? What if it’s an intruder out to harm the Princesses? How easily did he get here? Twilight, obviously over thinking things, jumped back and lowered her body into a fighting stance. Sort of how a dog gets aggravated and wants to defend its master or something.

“How’d you get here and what do you plan to do with our Princesses?” Twilight said cautiously.

“I fell out of the sky, if that makes sense.” Max replied. He can see the danger that was coming if he gave the wrong answer. Luckily, he was wearing his suit with 4 bottle of painkillers and his trusty pistol.

Twilight didn’t buy it. “If you fell out of the sky, why haven’t you... you know... went splat?”

“The hell if I know, I’m just here.” Max said. Max reached into his pocket and took out a bottle of painkillers and swallowed two pills before stuffing it back into his pocket. Max felt a tingling sensation, followed by numbness and then... nothing. Twilight cocked her head to a side, confused.

“What was that?”

“Medications.” Max lied. Max was on a Painkiller addiction, it was amazing how he’s still alive. Max got up and took off the tubes and finger clip, standing fully erect. Twilight was startled by his height, now getting a full view on Max. He was bigger than the Princess! Twilight’s animal instincts went into play and lunged at Max. Max turned around and saw a peculiar purple horn coming at him and grabbed it. Instantly, Twilight relaxed her muscles and moaned. Max raised an eyebrow.

“You okay, Sparks?” Twilight didn’t say anything, her tongue hanging out of her mouth. Max smirked. He gripped a little tighter and Twilight moaned louder. Really erotically.

The fuck? Max thought. Max bent down, eye level to Twilight’s eyes which were now shaking. Twilight tried to speak but her words were slurred.

“Sht-Sh-Shtop e-et” Twilight said. Her eyes were dilating. “Plu-Pluease.” Max chuckled before releasing the horn. Twilight’s head smacked the carpet with a comical thump and gathered herself, glaring at Max with wells of tears in her eyes.

“Don’t ever do that again!” Twilight pouted and Max sighed.

“Why not?” Max said, sarcastically.

“The horn is the focal point of sensation to a unicorn.” Twilight explained. Max scratched his head.

“So it’s a pleasure organ? I only thought females only had one.” Max chuckled. Twilight became flustered and blushed.

“Well, that’s your fault for wanting to kill me... again.” Max sighed and opened the door, only to be rudely greeted by 5 other ponies. An orange, pink, white, blue and yellow mix of ponies stood at the door. The ponies gasped as they saw how tall Max was. Max just stared down at them and smirked.

“Are you the purple unicorn’s friends?” Max said. His manly voice startled the ponies, the yellow one especially and cowered behind the orange and blue ponies. Twilight crawled out underneath Max and chuckled nervously. The orange one whispered something and the other ponies nodded in agreement.

“Hehe, um, hey girls. This is Max. Max, these are my friends.” Twilight stuck her hoof out and pointed to them in order.

“Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy.” Fluttershy meeped behind Applejack, and continued to hide. None of the ponies moved, which made Twilight a bit more nervous. It was until the orange one broke the silence.

“Er, nice ta meet you, uh, Max.” Applejack stuck out her hoof and smiled sheepishly. Max bent down and shook Applejack’s hoof, scratching his head.

“These ponies are like a box of crayons.” Max said.

“Oh boy, a new friend! I better invite the ponies back in Ponyville for a party for our new friend oh what kind of cake should I make Chocolate Posie, Turquoise Lemon, Strawberry Rainbow, oh I should get streamers and confetti and punch and pin the tail on the pony and-” Pinkie Pie was rambling on and on whilst the others just tuned her out.

“Er, while Pinkie Pie is deciding on a smashing party, I’m Rarity, clothes designer and fashionista.” The white one said. Max shook her hoof too.

“Nice to meet you too... ” Max said.

Max stood up and so did Rainbow Dash, looking eye to eye at Max. Fluttershy whimpered as she lost her cover.

“Look buster, I don’t know what you are, but I’m watching you.” Rainbow Dash eyed him suspiciously and Max smirked. Twilight saw the tension and came in between.

“Uh, ignore her Max, she’s just being Rainbow Dash. Running her mouth off.” Twilight said. Max laughed.

“And what can a winged pony do to me, fly around me until I’m dizzy?” Max laughed loudly, which angered her.

“I’ll show you what I can do!” She spread out her wings and Max stepped back into the room, getting ready for the assault. She spun around, giving herself extra momentum while Max relaxed his body. His eyes dilated and his breathing calmed. Rainbow Dash charged at Max, heading for his chest when Max’s Bullet Time kicked in. Time slowed dramatically for Max as the fast moving Rainbow Dash now became as slow as a child. Max turned his body and put one hand under her belly and one on her flank. Max started to guide her into the wall, Rainbow Dash being too late to turn. Time sped up as Max exited Bullet Time and successfully threw her against the wall, smashing her snout against a flower painting, knocking her out.

“And that’s what you get.” Max said proudly. The other ponies were dumbstruck as what transpired.

“He jus’ caught Rainbow like that..” The farm pony said.

“And threw her against the wall...” Rarity followed up. Fluttershy was overcome with fear and dove into Pinkie’s mane, her body being completely swallowed. Only her eyes were visible. Max turned around at the group of ponies.

“Now you know first hand not to bother me.” Max tried to leave again when Rainbow Dash woke up from being knocked unconscious. “You have a hard head, don’t you?” Max scoffed.

“Wow! That was so cool! How’d you do something like that!” Rainbow Dash started to circle around Max, shooting questions at him. “It was so fast! Faster than me, maybe!” Max sighed.

“I need to get back to my hometown, where magical talking ponies don’t exist.” Max rubbed his eyebrows and proceeded to walk down the hallway when a purple construct blocked his path.

“C’mon Twilight, stop bothering me.” Twilight didn’t move.

“You just shoved Rainbow Dash into a wall!” She said it like it was the most unbelievable thing she ever saw, which at the time, it was.

“She deserved it.” Max simple said.

“Hey!” Rainbow Dash retorted.

“Let’s see what Princess Celestia has to say about this.” Twilight charged up her horn and fired a teleportation spell at Max, but Max dodged it and pulled out his pistol.

“I’m going to give you a warning.” Max said bluntly. He cocked his pistol and aimed at Twilight’s head. Twilight fired the spell again, but Max dodged it easily. Twilight growled.

“You never learn, do you.” Max aimed a bit up and fired repeatedly at Twilight. Bullets whizzed passed her face, locking her in position. The velocity and the shear wind force of a small metal bullet was enough for Twilight to drop the spell. Max put his pistol back into a hidden pocket in his suit and shook his head, disapprovingly.

“Now, do we have an understanding? I’ll kill you if you get in my way. Which in essence, is what you tried to do.” Max said. Those words hit her hard and she shrunk. Max turned around and went to call the elevator. It finally beeped up to the 98th floor and Max got on. As the door closed, Max saw the ponies were scared, but he could see the sense that something bad was going to happen. In that case, he might as well prepare. The door closed with a shut, and the elevator went down. The ponies turned around and saw a wall full of holes, shaped like Twilight’s silhouette.

“Now, what should we do Twilight? Should we tell Princess Celestia?” Rarity asked.

“Of course, he’s too dangerous to keep unobserved.” Twilight responded. She charged her horn, once again, and teleported a certain purple dragon. “Spike, take a letter!” Twilight commanded.

“Twilight, I was in the bathroom.” Spike said.

“And doing what? This is an emergency, Spike. There’s a threat to Equestria!” Spike sighed.

“Let me get some toilet paper then, give me a minute. Spike went inside the bathroom and the girls heard a flush soon afterward.

“Finally, my stomach feels much better!” Spike happily said.

Dear Princess Celestia,
As you may have heard, we have encountered a mysterious upon Equestria and he was wounded when I... impaled him with my horn. We admitted him into a hospital with the utmost care and he has proven to be a major threat. He stopped my spell with an odd metallic device that fired metal cylinders at me, and are on our way to stop him now.

From your loyal student,
Twilight Sparkle

The group of girls proceeded to go down the stairs to catch up to Max, who strolled freely into the sunset.

Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Calvin

Max stepped out of the hospital and took a deep breath. His head spun a bit from using his Bullet Time but it died down, eventually. He stretched his limbs and kicked his legs, hearing an audible crack. Max looked around, seeing Canterlot for the first time. It took him a minute to remember that all of this were made by ponies. Max sucked his teeth, and started to head into the city. Ponies with high class attire waddled their way into their houses, oblivious to the giant monkey walking behind them. Max continued to walk, looking around. A jewelry shop, a french restaurant, all fancy and high top. Max sighed. It reminded him of New York. A lot. The smell of gasoline, the polluted air, the hot summers and cold winters, he missed it all. His wife, his kid. Max shook his head, kicking a rock. It rolled down the street, tumbling down a steep part of the city.

Max looked up, realizing where he was. It was night time, already. The smell of the cold went into his nostrils, making him breathe a bit better.

“Ow...” A voice said. Max turned his head to the voice, which led to an alleyway. Max saw a pony in the alleyway, rubbing her hoof. The moonlight illuminated a bit of her body, and Max saw her calloused hoof. Max made his way to the voice, and looked down at the pony. She had a pointy hat, with the pictures of the moon on it. She had a cape and her body was blue, with a horn on top. The pony looked up at Max, and her eyes widened like dinner plates. She scuttled to the end of the alleyway, breathing heavily. Max just walked to the pony, and bent down, getting a good look on her. Purple eyes.

“Wh-who are you!?” The pony shouted, trying to scare Max off. Max smirked.

“Just a stranger in an unknown place.” Max said, quietly. The pony calmed down a little, but she was still cautious, breathing a little more softly.

“That makes two of us.” She responded, shyly. A breeze came through, making the pony wrap her cape around herself. Max raised an eyebrow.

“What’s your name?” Max asked. The pony hesitated for a bit before giving her name.

“T-Trixie.” She said. She hid deeper into her cape, only her eyes and horn poking out. Max smiled, and scooped up the mare into his arms.

“W-what are you doing! Let me g-” Max put his hand over the mare’s head.

“Shh, quiet.” Max said. And Trixie did, silently observing the giant monkey before her. He looked resolute, of what, she didn’t know, but it sparked her curiosity. Max walked out of the alley, another breeze blown. Trixie’s started to have her teeth chatter, so Max ran, quickly this time. He ran past a street and skidded past a few corners to make his way to his destination. He stopped in front of the place and walked in, Trixie pressing herself against Max’s chest. The nurse was too tired to notice Max, playing Scrabble on her iPony 5. Max slipped by and pressed the button for the elevator, slipping inside. Max got off at the 98th floor and went inside his hospital room, slipping Trixie inside the bed. She instantly warmed up and smiled, snugly secure under the sheets. Her eyes were already closed, bringing her into a more comfortable sleep. Max smiled a bit, before noticing the mess still from the encounter with Sparks. He picked up the fallen paintings and hung them back on the wall, before sitting down on the plush chair.

Max sat there, thinking idly at the turn of events that had just happened. He came close to taking an innocent pony’s life today. He sighed, picking up a magazine out of a large stack on the table next to him, and started reading. He glanced at the clock, reading around 8 PM.

Ten hours later, Max was sleeping soundly on the chair, the stack of magazines now on the floor, acting as a leg rest. The blinding sunlight hit Max, making him fidget a bit before waking up. He squinted and yawned, stretching his arms. His suit kept him warm but it was cold on the outside, icy to the touch. He caught the sound of humming, and a shower coming from the bathroom. Max looked back at the bed and saw the sheets overturned. Making his way, he fixed up the bed himself, before rubbing his eyes. The door to the bathroom opened, as a wet Trixie dried herself off with a towel. It was then when Trixie realized Max had awoken. She stared for a brief second before diving back into the bathroom, slamming the door. Max chuckled, putting a hand to his head.

“I didn’t know you woke up...” Trixie said, trying to get over her embarrassment.

“It’s ok, there’s nothing to worry about.” Max said, reassuringly. Trixie finished drying herself and exited the bathroom, rubbing her neck awkwardly.

“So, a hospital, huh?” Trixie asked. She noticed when she woke up that the nurses had threatened to throw her out when Max, the patient, was supposed to be getting rest.

“Yeah, it’s the only place I know with a bed here.” Max popped open a bottle of whiskey from a secret pocket in his suit and chugged it, giving a satisfying sound afterwards. It was then and there that the doors flung open, greeting Max and Trixie to a very tired Twilight Sparkle.

“I finally found you!” Twilight huffed. She panted, looking as if she had been running around the world, looking for something. Trixie looked confused. She looked at Max, who gritted his teeth.

“Shit.” Max said plainly.

“What happened, Max? Why is Twilight here?” Trixie nudged Max in his shin, who gave her a quick look, telling her to not ask questions for now.

“Max is a threat to Equestria and I need to bring him to see the Princess.” Twilight charged her horn and aimed it at Max. Trixie’s eyes widened.

“Max, what did you do?” Trixie asked again. Max then quickly grabbed Trixie by the neck and brung her close, taking his pistol out of his pocket. Twilight immediately stopped the spell as soon as Max pressed the gun against Trixie’s head.

“What are you doing! What is that thing? Let me go!” Trixie struggled in Max’s grasp, but Max had other plans.

“Just play along, I’m not going to harm you.” Max hissed. Trixie stopped after a little while, eventually making a silent agreement.

“Don’t hurt Trixie, Max! You have nothing to gain if you do!” Twilight said, full with confidence, when really she was nervous at Max’s actions.

“Oh, quite the opposite, Sparks. I do have something to gain.” Max looked at Trixie’s purple eyes, seeing the fear in her. Max whispered something to Trixie’s ear, and stood up, the gun still pointed at Trixie’s head. She was shaking now, whatever Max had said had shocked her. Before Twilight could react, Max pulled the trigger, and out went Trixie, slamming into the floor. Smoke hissed out of Max’s pistol, before aiming the sights at Twilight.

A murder, was all that Twilight could think of. Glancing at Trixie’s lifeless body, rage started to build up in her system. She started to cry, tears streaming down her face and dripping on the red carpet. In a shout of anger, Twilight casted a spell on Max, making him disappear.

Author's Note: Just... not even. The ending was so atrocious I decided to rid of it.

I'm shooting this baby up [See latest blog post]

Cause I can't love this no mo'