Bob's Your Uncle

by Robo Bro

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Random, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Other
Length: 1767

And your assistant, and your mailman, and your grocer and your friend...

And your assistant, and your mailman, and your grocer and your friend...

Inspired by a thread asking people how they felt about stories featuring Anon, where I said it's just a name and it's no worse than a thousand Bob's in Equestria. I apologize profusely for this resulting monstrosity.

Published 2017-10-23 21:40:06 UTC
Last updated 2017-10-23 21:40:06 UTC

The One With Bobs

Twilight stretched and yawned as she got out of bed to face a brand new day. She had had the most wonderful dream, though she could hardly remember what it was about now. Regardless of its contents, it led to a smile on her lips and a certain bounce in her step as she left her bedroom and descended to the library’s main floor. She was feeling rather peckish, so she headed for the kitchen.

Standing at the stove of the kitchen when she entered was a rather short, green haired human wearing nothing more than an apron and a pair of shorts. In one hand was a frying pan, and the other a spatula. Twilight’s jaw dropped to the floor as the man turned to see her there.

“Mornin’ Twilight!” The human greeted cheerfully. “I’m making pancakes, want some?”

“What are you doing, Bob?!” Twilight screeched at Bob as she ran past Bob to snatch an open book off of the kitchen counter. “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times, no reading while you cook! You could damage the book!”

“Oh, uh, sorry, Twilight, I guess it slipped my mind.” Bob chuckled nervously. Once Twilight returned from re-shelving Bob's reading material, Bob held up a plate of pancakes. “Hungry?”

“I’m famished, Bob, thanks.”

Twilight and Bob sat down and ate their breakfast, engaging in the usual morning small talk.

“Are we going to be reorganizing the library today, Twilight?” Bob asked through a mouthful of pancakes. In many a household, one would have scolded Bob for such a rude act, but Twilight Sparkle was hardly a pinnacle of table manners herself as she tossed bits of flapjacks through the air and, on her good throws, into her mouth.

“Not today, Bob. I’m going out with the girls on a picnic.”

“Oh, okay. I guess I have some comics to catch up on anyway.”

Twilight took the plate of half eaten pancakes and flung it over her shoulder and into the distant wall behind her with a crash.

“I’m done. Have a good day, Bob!”

“Bye, Twilight!” Bob waved at her as she left the room.

Upon trotting out the front door, Twilight’s eyes were drawn up to the sky where a pudgy, human man in a post office uniform was flapping his arms as he soared through the sky towards her library. Golden eyes that went off in different directions focused on her and the human tucked his arms to his side and descended rapidly until it was just about to crash into the ground…and then it did.

“Hi, Twilight!” The flattened human greeted in a daze.

“Hello there, Bob. Any mail for me today?”

Bob hopped up from the ground and shook himself vigorously for a moment before reaching into the mail bag and pulling out a package.

“Yup! Here ya go!” Bob beamed while handing it to Twilight, who accepted it with her magic.

“Thank you, Bob.” Twilight nodded her appreciation. Bob gave a foppish grin.

“You're welcome, Twilight. I got lots of mail to deliver today, so I’ll talk to you another time. Bye!”

“Goodbye, Bob!”

Twilight watched as Bob flapped his arms and rose into the air before zigzagging through the sky. She then turned her attention to her newly received package. She rolled her eyes when she saw that it wasn’t addressed to her at all, but instead to Bob. That was the third time this week. Oh well, it didn’t matter. She’d just have to give it to Bob later.

As Twilight went on through the town, she ran across a human standing at a booth selling carrots.

“Hey there, Bob.” She said to the human.

“Oh, hi Twilight. Wonderful weather we’re having, eh?”

“Oh absolutely.” Twilight agreed. “Do you know who was on weather duty today, Bob?”

“I think it’s Bob that we have to thank for this gorgeous day.”

Another human that was flying by interjected. “Nah, it wasn’t me this time, it’s my day off. It’s all Bob, Bob and Bob’s doing today.”

“Oh, right, silly me, I forgot.” Bob said as he bonked his forehead with his palm. “I’ll be sure to thank them later.”

“Anyway, nice talking to you, but I’ve got a picnic to get to.”

“Oh, well don’t let Bob and I keep you!” Bob and Bob waved her off and Twilight continued her journey, humming a jaunty tune as she did so.

Several minutes later, she came upon the hill that she and the girls loved to spend lazy afternoons on together. Her approach did not go unnoticed, as a streak of rainbow that had been dashing about through the skies above the hill veered towards her. Twilight raised a foreleg to protect her face from the ensuing gust of wind that struck her.

“Hey, Twilight! Wanna see an awesome new trick I’ve been working on?”

Twilight removed her leg from her vision and smiled at the tall, muscular human that greeted her. His head was shaved completely bald except for an impossibly long, flowing rainbow moustache that reached down to his waist, and he wore a sky blue tank top with a matching speedo.

“Maybe later, Bob. Are the girls all here?”

Bob pouted with disappointment over Twilight’s lack of interest in his trick, but answered anyway.

“All except for Bob. She was here earlier, but she went bouncing off saying she had a great idea for making this the best picnic ever.”

“Oh, that’s a shame, I have a package for her that Bob accidentally delivered to me.”

Bob rolled his eyes. “What else is new? Bob never gets her deliveries right. Yesterday she gave me a package for Bob. I couldn't believe it, how do you even do that?”

Bob and Twilight walked on up the rest of the way to the top of the hill, where three others waited for them. A rather effeminate human man with long flowing locks of purple and a long flowing dress of white smiled widely at seeing the pair.

“Twilight, darling, you made it!”

“You know I wouldn’t miss one of our picnics for anything, Bob!”

“Glad to hear it, Twilight!” Bob gushed with appreciation.

“Um…I’m glad you could come, too.” Another man spoke, though he barely could be heard. He was sitting, or perhaps more accurately hiding, amongst a patch of tall grass on the hill. Not a single piece of his body was visible below the pink mop of hair that covered the top half of his face, and of course the little bunny eared human that sat upon his head.

“Hello, Bob. How’s Bob been doing?”

“Oh, um…he’s been very upset with me lately, he kicked me out of the cottage earlier today.” Bob answered.

“Really? That’s terrible! You really need to discipline him!” Twilight said.

“Oh no, I couldn’t do that!” The pink hair swirled from side to side as Bob shook his head, while Bob growled at Twilight from atop his perch. “Besides, it was my fault, really. I got him the wrong kind of cherry.”

“Shucks, maybe ya should try giving him some of our apples!” A deep, southern twang filled the air, coming from a man even more muscular than Bob, and he was unafraid to show it and his farmer’s tan off by going completely shirtless, though he still wore a ratty pair of blue jeans, boots and his trademark Stetson.

“Hey, Bob.”

“Howdy, Twi.” The farmer nodded in greeting.

“I’m afraid that Bob doesn’t like apples at all. Sorry, Bob.”

“Bob hates apples? What kind of messed up rabbit hates apples?” Bob dug into a nearby picnic basket and dragged out an apple slice. “Here, little Bob, try some o’ this.”

Bob turned up his nose at the piece of fruit.

“Oh dear…I told you Bob doesn’t like apples.” Bob repeated himself.

“Huh. There’s somethin’ wrong with that there rabbit.”

Suddenly, there was a trembling of the earth beneath them.

“Uh, girls? What’s that sound?” Twilight asked of her friends.

The quintet slowly turned in the direction it seemed to be coming from, almost scared to find out what it could be.

“Uh oh.” Bob said, pulling on both sides of his rainbow moustache. “I think Bob found the mirror pool again.”

The fields below them were bathed with pink, curly hair. A thousand bouncy Bobs bounded below.

“Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob!”

Twilight groaned. Bob had fainted, disappearing completely into the tall grass he had been sitting in. Bob was sighing as he rubbed his temples. Bob had a palm placed firmly over his face as he shook his head. Bob, on the other hand, cracked his knuckles and grinned.

“All right! Looks like I get to show off my new trick after all!”

Bob screamed a battle cry and leaped into the sea of Bob’s, grabbing one Bob from behind by the waist and launching both Bobs into the air before coming back down, suplexing the Bob that Bob had grappled into several other Bobs, all of which turned into puffs of smoke that bobbed in the air before flying back from whence the mob of Bob came.

“Dangit, Bob! Save some Bobs for me!” Bob shouted angrily at Bob as he too dove into the fracas of Bobs.

“Oh dear, and I was hoping not to soil my dress” Bob sighed again. “I suppose we must clean up this mess that Bob left us. Are you feeling up to the task, Twilight?”

“Of course, Bob.” Twilight assured Bob, her horn glowing at the ready. “Let’s kick some Bob!”

______________________

Later that night, Twilight was crawling into bed. She yawned sleepily as she shut her eyes and began to slowly drift to sleep. Her last thoughts: what a boring day it had been, maybe tomorrow would prove more interesting.

Author's Note

I am so...so sorry.