Petty Please

by Aragon

Rating: everyone
Tags: Rarity, Twilight Sparkle, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance, Comedy
Length: 3589

The good thing about dating Rarity is that you get to talk to her. The bad thing about dating Rarity is that you have to talk to her.

(But you really don't need to read the first story!)

The good thing about dating Rarity is that you get to talk to her.

The bad thing about dating Rarity is that you have to talk to her.

Preread by MrNumbers, Void Chicken, Majin Syeekoh, and Melesse Lindenya.

Published 2017-10-23 19:30:06 UTC
Last updated 2017-10-23 19:30:06 UTC

(With a Cherry On Top!)

Usually, libraries are silent.

Usually, the librarian isn’t dating Rarity.

“Why, is it me, or has this place gone downhill as of late, darling?” Rarity asked that morning, looking through one of the newest magazines in stock. “You used to have literature in here, but now it seems like you’ve grown complacent with the quality control.”

Twilight didn’t even look up. She was at the table, taking notes from an ancient tome with a red cover. “Good morning to you too, Rarity,” she said. “Doing fine, thanks, how are you.”

“Wonderfully, thanks for asking. And don’t be grumpy! I’m sure this counts as constructive criticism.”

“Certainly. How’d you get in?”

“Spike and an absolute lack of respect for your privacy!”

“Right. Love you too.”

“To the end of time and back again, sweetie, you’re my one and only. Seriously, though, get a load of this.” Rarity stopped at one of the pages of the magazine and read out loud: “Our experts assure us that, in an ideal relationship, both parties will believe their significant other is the most beautiful of the two! That’s how you know you’re talking about real love.” She snorted. “Can you believe that?”

Twilight looked up from her book. “Why do I feel like I’m about to be offended by this conversation?”

“Oh, please. You know I adore you, darling, and I love how you look.” Rarity rolled her eyes and tossed the magazine aside. “But this magazine here is simply saying nonsense, is it not?”

Twilight sighed and went back to her book. “I don’t know,” she said. “I think my brother and Cadance follow those guidelines? They’re always talking wonders about each other.”

“Pfff. Why, of course they do!” Rarity waved a hoof. “But they’re exceptions, darling. Your brother is married to the physical representation of love, of course they’re going to be like that.” Pause. “Plus, they’re both ravishingly handsome.”

Twilight nodded. “So what you mean is…?”

“What I mean is, why, that doesn’t mean what the magazine said is true.” And here Rarity let out one of her best smiles. “And I don’t mean to offend, but we both agree that I’m clearly the pretty one in this relationship, right?”

“Hmmm.” Twilight turned three or four pages of the book at once. “Well, I’m not dating you for your brains, that’s for sure.”

“Hey!” Rarity grabbed the magazine and threw it at Twilight. It hit her in the face. “Shush!”

“Ouch.” Twilight put the magazine aside. “And why are you offended? You just called me ugly!”

“Dear, I did not call you that.” Rarity got up and tossed her mane to the side. “I just said you’re not as beautiful as me. Completely different, and barely an insult.”

“Hmm.” Twilight looked up from the book again. “Rarity?”

“Yes?”

“I’m definitely not dating you for your personality either.”

PLAF.

Twilight looked to the wall next to her, where the book had hit, and then at Rarity. “Wow,” she said. “That could’ve hurt if you had actually aimed.”

“Next one’s the dictionary, dear, and I will throw for real.” Rarity picked up a sizeable tome and shook it in the air a little bit. She also blew Twilight the tiniest of raspberries. “Don’t test me.”

“You’re so lucky you were born with that face.” Twilight’s eyebrows went up, and then she picked up the by now infamous magazine. “Hey, wait a moment—you were talking about these? I didn’t buy them.”

Rarity was picking up another book, checking if it was aerodynamic enough, when Twilight said that. “Hm?”

“Yeah, Spike picked them.”

“Spikey? My.” Rarity made a face. “Then I’m afraid he’s got terrible taste, dear.”

“Definitely. I mean, he has a crush on you after a—okay, I see you waggling that dictionary, I take my words back.”

“Ah-hah.” Rarity put the dictionary down. “You’re a fast learner.”

“And you’re one petty mare.”

“Shush.” Rarity sat down again and grabbed another magazine at random. “I’m not petty, and you know it. I just want you to know how this relationship works.”

“You know?” Twilight said, frowning. “The more you describe us, the more dysfunctional this whole deal sounds. Why are we dating, again?”

“Mostly? My face.”

“Ah.” Twilight looked at Rarity. “Well,” she said after a while. “I mean—it’s a really good reason.”

“Isn’t it?”

“Although,” Twilight said, and here she actually closed the book to make sure she could pay full attention to Rarity, “what do you get out of this deal, then?”

“Well, I get you to look at my face, which is good,” Rarity said, shrugging, still browsing the magazine—although she did shoot a glance and a quick wink at Twilight at one point. “And I get you to talk about my face. Which is better.”

“I guess I can’t argue with that.”

“I told you, we agree on the topic of my face. Speaking of, however.” Rarity frowned and looked up from the magazine, too. When she spoke, her voice was dark, serious. “Twilight Sparkle,” she said, “we need to talk.”

And Twilight did what any lover would do after hearing that.

“Ooof.”

She flinched.

And Rarity blinked. “What?”

“No, nothing. Just—phrasing?”

“Phrasing?” Rarity thought about this. “Ah.” Then she arched an eyebrow. “Aaaah? Twilight, darling. You’re supposed to be the smart one.”

“Okay.” Twilight pointed at Rarity. “You said it, not me. I can officially remind you of that any time I want, now.”

“You definitely don’t, but that’s besides the point—did you seriously think I was going to break up with you in the middle of our flirting session?” Rarity frowned. “That’s the kind of mare you take me for?”

“I didn’t think you were going to break up with me, I just—flirting?” Twilight frowned, too. “This is flirting?”

“Why, of course it is, dear!”

“This is how we flirt?”

Rarity pressed a hoof against her chest in shock. “I—you—What did you think we were doing?”

“I don’t know! Just—having a normal, everyday conversation?”

“…Is this seriously how you talk to others?”

“I guess?”

“Oh my goodness, dear.” Rarity let out a sigh and massaged the space between her eyes. “You’re—if this is how you converse, then please don’t talk with anypony else ever again. You’ve got a girlfriend now.”

Twilight was blushing—a bit—and wanted to hide her face behind the book—a lot—but she still regained enough composure to let out another quip. “Well,” she said. “…Somepony’s territorial.”

“Clingy, sweetheart. The term is clingy. And I am not. I’m just smarter than you, apparently.”

“You literally said the opposite less than two minutes ago.”

“Ooh?” Rarity looked up to Twilight and smiled, here. “And who’s the petty mare, now?”

“You.” No hesitation in Twilight’s voice.

“Bah.”

“I mean, honestly, just for saying that, you’re being pettier than me.”

“Bah!”

“You’re such a petty mare.”

“Spike!” Rarity smashed both hooves against the table, making Twilight jump slightly. Then, she let out a cough, and said, softer this time: “Spike. We were talking about him, were we not?”

“Right.” Twilight nodded. “Right, yes. That.”

Rarity nodded back, rested her elbows on the table, and leaned forward. “Well,” she said. “Did you talk to him, darling?”

The thing about Rarity was—sometimes, she talked like she expected you to keep up with her, but that was impossible. Pinkie Pie was more predictable, in that you could at least assume she was never going to make sense.

So Twilight just sighed and didn’t even bother to make a guess. “What do you mean?” she asked. “Talk to him about what?”

“Twilight, please.” And Rarity rolled her eyes. Twilight would have been annoyed, but she liked it when Rarity did that. It was their entire relationship explained in just one gesture, in a way. “About this!” Rarity pointed at Twilight, then at herself. “About us! About our relationship! About this wonderful little thing we’ve built, that is surely going to affect his life!”

“Ah?” Twilight took this all in, and thought a little bit more. “Our relationship.”

“Yes!”

“If I’ve talked about it with Spike?”

“Yes!”

“...Why would I ever talk to Spike about our relationship, again?”

“Twilight!” Rarity sounded absolutely annoyed here. She got up from the table just to get closer to Twilight—right by her side—and sit down again. “How could you be so insensit—ah, uh. Darling?” She gave Twilight a sweet little smile. “We’re not flirting anymore, okay? This is arguing now. An actual argument.”

“Yes, yes, no, I think I got that.”

“You sure?”

“Uh-huh.” Twilight waved a hoof. “Context clues and all that.”

“Oh.” Rarity’s smile got bigger. “Good! Good. Communication is the basis of a good relationship.”

“I agree!” Twilight said. “You were being annoyed at my lack of sensitivity, I think?”

“Right, of course.” And then Rarity slapped Twilight’s hoof weakly. “Twilight!” she whined.

“What.”

“How could you be so insensitive!”

“I’ve no idea what you’re talking about.”

“I’m talking about Spike, of course!” Rarity shook her head with disappointment. “Twilight, dear, you know perfectly well that our dear Spikey-wikey has a—well, you know.” She frowned. “A crush on me!”

Twilight thought about this. “Yeah,” she said after a bit. “Blatantly.”

“Then how could you not tell him that you’re dating the object of his adoration?”

“Well, I did tell him that.” Twilight scooted a little bit away from Rarity. Just a bit. “I just didn’t really go into detail. Just, y’know.”

Rarity was still frowning. “I know? What do I know?”

“I mean, I was pretty happy after we two started going out, so I just told him.” Twilight shrugged. “And we haven’t really talked that much about that. I mean, he’s aware, but—”

“You’re supposed to talk to him about this!” Rarity said. “Twilight, I’m perfectly aware none of us meant it, but we probably hurt his feelings!”

And now it was Twilight’s turn to roll her eyes. “Rarity, I think you’re exaggerating.”

“Am not!”

“Are too.” Twilight scooted closer to Rarity again, though now she was smiling a bit. “It’s sweet for you to be concerned—it is! Don’t give me that face, I’m not making fun of you. It really is!—but I’m pretty sure Spike didn’t mind that much.”

Rarity made a pout. “Darling.”

“Don’t 'darling' me.” Twilight poked Rarity in the side. “I know Spike better than you. Sure, he’s got a crush on you—but he’s a kid. He doesn’t really understand these kinds of things. He was probably upset for a bit, sure, but by the time we talked again he was over it.”

“And how could you possibly know that, again?”

“Well, I’ve raised him up, so I know him pretty well, I’d say.” Twilight shrugged. “Childhood crushes are less about romance and more about—well, he just looks up to you, I think. And to your face. Who can blame him?”

This managed to get to Rarity, who smiled in spite of herself. “Why,” she said, and she poked Twilight back. “You flatterer.”

“Pfft.” Twilight shook her head. “Rarity, I just—wait. Flirting again?”

“Yes, but this is a serious issue, so keep talking.”

“Good. So. I really think…” Twilight looked up, looking for a way to put her thoughts into words. “I really think he’d been more upset if I had sat down with him to talk about feelings. He’s a boy, and he’s at that age, you know?”

Rarity made another pout, but now she was clearly trying to look pretty while doing so, so it was less effective. “So what?” she asked. “Is it better to let him sit alone with his heart broken into pieces, Twilight? Is that what you want?”

“You’re getting dramatic over there.”

“I am dramatic. Comes with being theatrical, darling.”

“Diva.”

“Taking that as a compliment, thank you.”

Twilight snickered. “Kind of is,” she admitted. Then: “And honestly—yeah? If he sits down sulking, he’ll sort it out and get better. If he wants to talk, he’ll start it, he’s smarter than that. But if I sit him down and force the feelings talk? Bfff.” Twilight shook her head. “That would only make things worse. He’ll be embarrassed!”

“Darling.” Rarity stopped trying to pout—she just looked at Twilight. “That sounds horrendously silly.”

“Look, maybe with Sweetie Belle you can sit down and talk about this kind of thing, but I know Spike…”

“And I know Spike too. We’re kind of close, actually.” Rarity sighed. “Twilight, I’m going to ask you this once—and only once. Are you embarrassed?”

Pause.

Twilight, shifty eyed, got a little bit away from Rarity once more. “What.”

“Are you embarrassed of having, and I quote, ‘the feelings talk’ with Spike?”

Another pause.

“I don’t follow.”

Dating Twilight Sparkle, Rarity had come to realize in the last few days, was an exercise in frustration. She was a wonderful mare, with a brain that could tear down empires, and yet she managed to be the most childish lovable idiot Rarity had ever met.

“You’re so lucky I adore you, dear.”

“The what now?”

And here Rarity squared her shoulders. “Twilight Sparkle,” she said, voice stern. “You’re speaking nonsense, and you know it. You’re trying to convince me that Spike—the very same Spike who bought these magazines.” Her horn flashed, and the magazine she’d been browsing a bit ago floated up. Its cover had more hearts than letters. “Is afraid of talking about love? And you expect me to believe it, dear?”

There was a third and final pause, as Twilight looked at the magazine.

Finally, she spoke.

“Betrayed by literature,” she said, her voice barely a whisper. “My worst nightmare.”

Rarity rolled up the magazine and whapped Twilight on the muzzle, softly. “Don’t you ever try to fool me, Twilight Sparkle. You should know better than that.”

“Ugh.”

“Spike absolutely needs to have that talk with you, and you know it.”

“I mean…” Twilight said. “Do I need to? Really? It’s going to be really awkward.”

“I thought you were the Princess of Friendship!”

“Yes, but I care about Spike, and I don’t want to go and rub it in his face that I went and stole you all for myself!”

Rarity smirked. “Hoh, hoh.” She winked at Twilight. “Isn’t that right, darling?”

“Rarity, I’m trying to have a moment here.”

“Killjoy.”

“Can’t we just let it slide?” Twilight asked—almost pleaded—giving Rarity the puppy eyes. “I mean, what’s the worst that can happen? I don't want to hurt him like that. He’ll keep his crush for you for a bit, and one day he’ll grow out of it, and this will be just a funny story to tell at our wedding!”

“Oh, hoh, hoh!”

“Rarity, no.”

“Yes, yes, I know.” Rarity sighed. “Twilight, why are you only good at mushy talk when you’re not trying?” Then she cleared her throat with a cough. “I know you don’t want to go through that whole ordeal, darling,” she said. “But you must. You know what happens when one doesn’t really get over their childhood crush.”

This made Twilight’s ears twitch. “Uh,” she said. “I do?”

“Sure! I mean.” Rarity pointed vaguely towards Twilight’s direction. “Look at you with your brother.”

Twilight squinted. “Me with my br—okay, wow. Wow. I don’t know what you’re exactly implying here, but let me tell you, that’s disgusting and you’re absolutely wrong here, Rarity.”

Rarity rolled her eyes once again. “I’m not implying that, Twilight.”

“You just said I had a childhood crush on my brother!”

“And earlier you said a childhood crush is less about romance and more about looking up to somepony else, so don’t look for hidden layers.” Rarity waved a hoof. “Bah. You know what I mean.”

“I really, really don’t.”

“You obviously adored your brother as a child. He was your hero—not romantically, of course,” Rarity quickly added once she saw Twilight getting ready to interrupt her. “In a completely platonic, fraternal way.”

“…Right.” Pause. “Wait. Are you implying that I needed Shining Armor to sit down with me and talk it out whenever he got a girlfriend? Because as much as I love my brother, that sounds like a bit much—”

“No,” Rarity said. “I’m just saying that you always thought you’d be the first mare in his life—platonically, yes, I get it—no matter what. Even after he got married.” A tch. “Even after he had a daughter, almost.”

Twilight shrunk a little, hiding behind her mane. “…That’s not true,” she said.

“That’s a bit true, darling.”

“Well. I mean.” Twilight glared at Rarity. “He’s still my big brother!”

“And that is great, but you never really brought him down from that pedestal.” Rarity shrugged. “Shining Armor is a lovely stallion—and he’s so dreamy he may even deserve that pedestal, I’m not going to lie—but I would say I have more flaws than that. And I want Spike to get over me and live a healthy life, thank you very much.”

“Hey,” Twilight said. “I’m not that much into my brother.”

“Sure you’re not, dear.”

“And I live a healthy life!”

“Right.” Rarity nodded. “And the moment he got married, you started dating a white unicorn, with blue eyes, blueish mane, Canterlot accent, and hips to die for. But, of course, that was a complete coincidence.”

The face Twilight made couldn’t be described with words.

“Oh, dear.” Rarity covered her mouth with a hoof. “You only noticed now, didn’t you?”

“...Don’t talk about my brother’s hips like that.”

“Wait, that’s what annoys you?”

And so, Twilight turned around, grabbed her book, opened it, and started reading it. She made a point of thoroughly ignoring Rarity through the entire process.

Rarity just sat there, watching, the smile never really leaving her face.

And a couple seconds passed, till—

“Sigh.” Twilight’s shoulders went down, and she looked at Rarity, face back to normal. “Okay. You’ve… got a point. Spike, uh. Deserves better. I guess.”

“Thank you!” Rarity said in a singsong voice, scooting closer to Twilight and grabbing her magazine once again. “Glad to see we agree on something. I trust you’ll do what you have to do, Twilight, dear.”

“Yes, yes.”

“Now, open up, please?”

Pause.

Twilight looked at Rarity. Then, at herself. Then, at Rarity.

“…Beg your pardon?” she asked.

“What the—your wings!” Rarity said, offended. “I meant your wings! I wanted to snuggle up a bit! What did you think I was implying?!”

“I—wh—I don’t know!” The flush made it back to Twilight’s face. “I mean, you just said that, so what were you expecting me to think, here?”

“Is this what gets you in the mood? Talking about your brother?!”

“You said we were flirting!”

“Yes, we were clearly flirting up till the point when we started talking about your brother!”

“Okay! Okay! I get it!” Twilight moved slightly to the side and unfolded her right wing, inviting Rarity to get under it. “Here! Shut up!”

“Hmph!” And Rarity got in, snuggled up against Twilight’s chest, and waited in place till Twilight wrapped her up with the wing. Once in there, though, she couldn’t help but snicker. “Seriously, you,” she said, floating the magazine up to her and browsing it again. “Whenever I think you can’t surprise me anymore, Twilight.”

Twilight wrapped her a bit tighter. “Shush.”

“Pfft.”

Twilight just let herself enjoy the moment. Against her, Rarity just went on reading the magazine happily. She was pretty warm.

They sat like that for a bit.

Eventually, though, Twilight had to go back to her studies. So she floated the book closer to her—hard to snuggle Rarity while leaning over the table like usual—and tried to continue with her business.

“Well,” she said right before starting. “I guess I’ll go and talk to Spike later today, then.”

“Oh, will you?” Rarity looked over the magazine and smiled at her. “That’s my girl.” She gave Twilight a peck. “I knew you could do it.”

“After that, though, you’re coming back here, because we’re not done.”

“…We’re not?”

“Nope.” Twilight started reading the book again, her eyes darting around the page. “Tonight you’re gonna get it.”

Pause.

“Ooooh?” Rarity smirked. “Why—are you threatening me, darling, or is this how we flirt?”

“Hmmm.” Twilight turned a page. “Take a guess.”

The rest of the morning breezed through pretty fast. They didn’t talk a lot after that—not a lot to say—but it felt like important business had been taken care of. It felt like they’d been productive, and that was enough to keep them both content, in a sense.

Plus, Rarity thought, Twilight was admittedly really cozy.

“Twilight, darling?”

“Hmm?”

“I think I’m not dating you for your brains after all. Or because I want you to look at my face.”

Twilight stopped reading the book for a moment, and regarded Rarity with all her attention. “You’re not?”

“Hmm-hmm.”

“Then?”

“Well, I think I’m just doing it because it’s so fun to play with you.” Rarity flashed a mischievous grin. “Isn’t it?”

This time, it was Rarity who got whapped with the rolled-up magazine.

Author's Note

Oh hey look fanart by SuperScratchkat.

Jesus Christ I've been doing nothing but writing Rarity all summer. Seems like my way to rest when I'm tired of working on my longfics is to immediately come up with something something FASHION HORSE.

So, there ya go. Lil' extra something following In Hindsight's events, even though you don't really have to read that story to enjoy it. Also, slightly late birthday present from me to me or something, I'm 23 now, woo, go Aragón, you're so cool, woo.

Hope y'all liked it. Cheerio!