The Pain of the Past

Chapters

Pain
Power
Peace

Pain

Her hooves clacked against the stone floor of the cavern, echoing against the walls and continued down the passage until they were nothing. It seemed so familiar, a place she thought she visited hundreds of times, and yet, the memory escaped her. Maybe answers would be around the next bend...

Starlight Glimmer looked from left to right, at the droplets of water as they fell from the stalactites above. This place gave her a sense of dread, but she couldn't put a hoof on why. How did she get here? How long had she been wandering in here? Was she lost? Where was this cave?

She noticed that the walls were becoming slowly brighter around the next bend. A dim source of light shined from around the corner. She broke into a gallop, eager to see something other than the same damp walls. But when she rounded the bend and saw what awaited, her eyes went wide and she nearly tripped over her own hooves as she skidded to a halt, nearly colliding with a pedestal in the center of the room. A lump began to form in her throat as she stared at the glowing blue grid against the terminus wall of the cave.

Her Cutie Mark Vault.

"Hello, Starlight." A voice greeted behind her, causing her to nearly jump out of her skin. She whipped around, and heard approaching hoofsteps echo from where she had just come from. The voice sounded completely normal, but something about it was bone-chilling to her. Its source came around the corner, and her breath left her.

It was herself.

The heliotrope unicorn mare's mane was tied back in a long ponytail, and her bangs were split evenly between her glowing horn. Next to her, floating in her horn's magical grasp, was the double-pronged Staff of Sameness.

Starlight backed up towards the vault, fear nearly paralyzing her, her mind unable to challenge the impossibility of the sight.

"I see you've finally decided to join us. Your friends will be so happy." The other Starlight said, motioning with the staff to the vault behind her. Starlight turned to look, and her heart dropped into her stomach when she saw the Cutie Marks.

Celestia. Luna. Cadance. Twilight and her friends. Sunburst. Trixie. Maud.

She turned on her hooves to run, but the other Starlight was waiting. The staff glowed, and out from between the tips of the two prongs, a white beam shot out at her. There was no avoiding it. It hit her and enveloped her. Starlight felt something passing under her coat and reaching inside; down immeasurably deep, where it grabbed hold, and twisted.

She screamed.

"No!!!"

It was an attack on her very soul, worse than any physical pain she had ever felt before in her life. She lost track of how many seconds passed as she slammed her eyes closed and kept screaming as she tried to shut it out.

Then it faded as she collapsed to the floor of the cave. But something didn't feel right. She felt like she had faded along with the pain. She slowly opened her eyes, to see the other Starlight standing over her; a purple and white eight-pointed star in between the prongs of the staff. The mare angled the staff towards the vault, and watched as her Cutie Mark traversed the short distance to the empty grid box next to Sunburst's. She weakly reached for it in vain before it was enclosed behind a panel of plate glass.

"Please... Give it back... This isn't you..." She said, looking back to the other Starlight.

"This is me, this will be everypony in Equestria one day. Free from pain. Free from differences."

Starlight got to her hooves just in time to see the other light her horn up, and she was blinded by a flash of light. When she blinked, the setting was different, yet the familiarity returned to her immediately.

Our Town.

The other Starlight stood several feet in front of her, alongside Twilight, Sunburst, Trixie, Maud, and everypony else whose mark was in the vault. They all had the equals sign on their flanks; their manes kept in a small number of similar styles.

"Alright then. In you go. Until you've seen the light of equality." The other said, as storm clouds began to gather overhead.

Starlight turned and looked behind her; the Equalization Cottage. It hadn't always been the same location; as more ponies arrived and were unmarked, more cottages were built to house them. The Equalization Cottage was always the farthest down on the northwest side; the farthest possible from other residents, and from her central cottage. It served as temporary housing for new arrivals and for villagers who had stepped out of line of her vision. She remembered how she locked ponies in here for days; until they were so overcome from isolation that their mind opened up to the indoctrination that the manifesto on the speaker played out.

"No, please... This isn't who you are. This isn't who any of you are!" She pleaded with her unmarked friends.

"It's alright, everypony. This is, after all, a completely normal part of equalization." The other claimed.

The anger in Starlight rose, a rage desperate to be released. She tried firing off a spell, but her horn did nothing more than fizzle; her power taken by the unmarking. Instead, she found herself grasped in the magic of the other Starlight, and flung backwards into the Equalization Cottage. Before she could even get to her hooves, the door was closed and locked, and the ceiling speakers in the corner began playing.

"In sameness, there is peace."

"No. No!" Starlight raced to the door and began pounding on it.

"Exceptionalism is a lie."

"No! It's not true!!! Let me out!!!" She screamed, tears welling up in her eyes as she continued to slam her hooves on the door. The wood began to splinter, but the door wouldn't give.

"Free yourself from your Cutie Mark."

"Maud!!! Twilight!!!"

"Choose equality as your special talent."

"Sunburst!!! Trixie!!! Please!!!"

Her pounding resulted in little more than getting splinters stuck in her hooves, but that didn't deter her in the slightest. She rammed and scraped at it with her horn.

"Difference is frustration."

She screamed and cried hysterically, the wood splinters in her hooves digging deeper under her coat every time she clawed and pounded on the locked door.

"To excel is to fail."

"Let me out!!! Please let me out of here!!!" She begged.

Her hooves began to bleed, and still, she persisted.

"Be your best by never being your best."

Her logic failed her. Her screams did nothing to dampen the speaker. The marks of blood she left on the door did nothing to deter her.

"Conformity will set you free."

The bloody marks smeared down as she collapsed against the door in exhaustion. Shivering, she curled up, slammed her tear-filled eyes shut, and pressed her blood-and-splinter-covered hooves to her ears in an effort to block out the voice.

She laid there in the silent blackness, for how long, she couldn't be sure. But then, she felt a hoof on her shoulder. She opened her eyes, and saw through her wet vision, the Princess of the Night.

"P-P-Princess Luna... You're... You're..."

"It is alright, Starlight. You're dreaming." Luna reassured her. Starlight looked over at her flank, and indeed saw the crescent moon cutie mark.

Starlight let out a quivering breath as fresh tears spilled from her eyes as she crawled forward and threw her legs around Luna's torso. The Princess merely sat and embraced her, using her magic to heal her self-inflicted wounds as she cried in relief. After a few moments, Starlight sniffled and looked up at Luna.

"Can I wake up now? I don't want to be here..."

"I can wake you if you wish, but I am afraid that my aid here is limited, because this is no ordinary nightmare, Starlight." Luna informed the distraught unicorn.

"What are you talking about?"

Princess Luna's horn lit up, and she softly touched a hoof to Starlight's barrel. It began to glow, then a wiggling, sparkling mass emerged, which Luna immediately surrounded with a magical force field.

"What in Equestria...?" The shocked unicorn asked.

The purple, glowing, smokey amorphous mass didn't seem to have any defining shape. It writhed within the confines of Luna's shield as it tried to break through to return to the unicorn.

"This..." Luna began. "...Is a Tantabus. It is a magical parasitic creature of the dream realm. Very few of them become powerful enough to be noticed. Simply put, it is severe guilt made manifest. The guilt of what you did here." Luna explained, using a hoof to motion to the surroundings of the Equalization Cottage.

"It made this nightmare? Can you destroy it?" Starlight asked, fearfully eyeing the creature.

"No. It is a part of you, so this task falls to you. It is something I once had to carry out, and I was unable to do it alone."

"What do I have to do?"

"Forgive yourself for what you did here. Talk to whomever and do whatever you must to relieve yourself of your guilt, and make peace with your past. Until you do, your Tantabus will become more powerful, and the nightmares will only increase in frequency and severity, to the point where I will be powerless to stop them."

Luna's magic flickered, and the Tantabus broke free, rushing back into Starlight, and she closed her eyes as her breath left her.

She drew in a sharp breath and her eyes shot open, and her surroundings were different. She shot up in bed, looked around, and found herself in her bedroom in Twilight's castle. She took in a few deep breaths, looking over at the clock on her nightstand, and saw that it was barely midnight. Feeling wetness on her cheeks, she surmised that she had done a fair bit of crying in her sleep.

There was a gentle knock on her door. She walked over, opened it, and there stood Twilight, magically holding a small lantern.

"Are you okay, Starlight? I heard you from two doors down." Twilight asked, concern filling her voice.

Starlight's emotions began bubbling to the surface as she looked into the eyes of the Princess of Friendship, finding only concern and worry. This was the Princess who had come to her village, revealed her true cutie mark, started a revolt against her, and fought back through multiple alternate timelines to beg her to see the light.

This was the pony who had saved her from herself.

Starlight began crying again as she came forward and hugged Twilight, burying her face in her mane.

"Starlight...?" Twilight asked worriedly as she returned the hug.

"Just..." Starlight began, her shoulders heaving. "Th... Th... Thank y-you. For... For everything. For absolutely everything." Starlight whispered as she wept. Twilight rubbed Starlight's back as she shuddered in her hooves for a few moments. To her knowledge, Starlight didn't have a lot of nightmares, at least none that she heard from down the hall, but this one had clearly shaken her to her core. When she got herself under control, they released each other, and Starlight sniffled.

"Do you think you'll be able to get back to sleep? Would you like some tea?" Twilight asked.

"No," Starlight began, wiping her eyes. "Thank you, Twilight, but I have somewhere I need to go."

Power

"It's got to be around here somewhere..." Starlight mused, looking at her topographic map of the surrounding mountainous area. Even up here, she could hear the echoes of the saws and hammers down in the valley where the village cottages were being constructed. She had selected this area because of the cutie mark magic she had detected, but she had been unable to pinpoint it. She had spent years studying and preparing for this, and now when it was this close, it was evading her.

As she made her way up the path, the hammers and sawing gave out to a sharper, shorter chinking noise. She looked to her right, and saw a gray earth mare picking at a small rock. It couldn't hurt to ask her, right? She looked like a surveyor or geologist of some kind. She walked up and saw the simple blue frock she wore, with saddlebags containing various samples. On the ground next to her latest sample was a compass and hammer, along with the pickaxe she had just set down.

"Psst! Do you know a lot about rocks?" The unicorn asked.

"Yes."

The mare was solidly focused on the rock she had just split, and was paying minimal attention to her.

"Have you ever come across some kind of super-powerful stone that can store the cutie mark magic of... I don't know... An entire village?"

"Yep. In the big cave."

Starlight turned to look. There, southeast of the valley, was a cave entrance up in one of the tallest mountains this close to the village. Perfect. She turned and galloped away from the mare without another word, heading back down to her village. It had been two months, and her little settlement was 10 strong currently. She had selected this area because of the magic she detected; for now, her residents' marks were being kept in enchanted jars in her cottage, but that was hardly going to do. She needed a more permanent solution. Stopping briefly to smile and wave at her residents who were taking a short break from construction, she made a quick stop in her cottage to grab her saddlebags and one of the jars, then continued through the central street of town. She then headed due south towards the mountain the earth mare had directed her to. A short climb later, she came to the mouth of the cave. Yes, the mare was right; it was definitely in here, she could feel it. The magic was emanating from somewhere in here.

Casting an illumination spell, she made her way inside, a beam of light being cast forward from the tip of her horn. The cave was dark and damp, but luckily for her, the passage did not branch off, so hopefully this would be a short search. After several minutes of heading deeper and deeper, her hornlight shined on a solid wall in front of her, and the magic was strongest here.

This was it! She stepped forward, and examined the wall. It was perfectly flat, and positively thrumming with magic.

Starlight dug in her saddlebag, and retrieved the enchanted jar. Inside, was the cutie mark of her first resident; Double Diamond; a trio of snowflakes. She removed the lid, and magically grasped the mark, and placed it against the wall. Yes, this would do, but not on it's own. This wall had the ability to hold cutie mark magic, but not effectively contain it. It would need to be augmented. If she could construct an iron frame, and use sheets of enchanted glass to contain them, she would no longer need her jars. For now, she returned the snowflake cutie mark to it's jar and tucked it safely back in her saddlebags. She turned and began to make her way out of the cave.

There was work to do...

Starlight sat under the clear, starry night of Our Town, ten feet from the tree that had replaced her cottage. Tears streamed down her face as she looked at the tree as the moon shined down on it. She was here... Now what?

"Starlight...?" She heard a voice call from her left. She turned and saw Double Diamond walking towards her. When he saw her tears, his face went from curiosity to concern.

"Double Diamond..." She greeted, sniffling and wiping the tears from her eyes.

"Are you alright? What are you doing out here, it's the middle of the night."

"No," Starlight told him, shaking her head. "I'm not alright. I've had a really rough night. That's why I'm out here."

As Double Diamond came up to her side and sat down next to her, she returned her gaze to the tree.

"Anything I can do to help?" He asked her.

"I'm not sure yet. There's... Something inside me. A creature of the dream realm that gave me the worst nightmare I can ever remember. Princess Luna told me that it's a manifestation of guilt that I haven't let go of; the guilt of what I did here, to all of you."

Double Diamond listened silently.

"I... I was in the vault cave... And an older version of myself confronted me and... And unmarked me... And... And it was awful..." Starlight's voice shook as fresh tears fell from her eyes.

"It was only a nightmare..." Double Diamond attempted to console her.

"No. It wasn't. It was exactly what I did to all of you. It reached deep down inside and caused such a pain beyond anything I've ever felt physically or mentally... It scared me out of my mind. And Luna says I have to figure out how to put it behind me, or else it's only going to get worse.

Double Diamond put a hoof on her shoulder.

"How can I help?" He asked her. She turned her gaze away from the tree and met his cobalt eyes.

"I remember... How we met. You were the first. Party Favor, Night Glider, and Sugar Belle... They came a few weeks later, but you were the first to give up your mark, willingly. Why did you come out here?" She asked him.

"I suppose I was having an existential crisis of my own at the time. I had just finished competing in the Equestria Games. An enthusiastic young griffon fan came up to me and told me that he wished that he could have a cutie mark so he could know what he's good at. And just like that, everything I thought I knew slowly melted away. I started wondering why only Equestrians got cutie marks. I told my team I was taking a sabbatical, looking for fresh locations to practice. That's when I met you on these mountains. I thought you had the answers I was looking for. In a way, I suppose you did."

Starlight looked at him, confused.

"'In a way'? What do you mean by that? No individuality beyond a name, bad muffins and burlap cloaks, and you still think that was your answer 'in a way'?" She asked him incredulously.

"I didn't mean it like that, Starlight. What I mean is... Can you guess how many villagers left after the revolt? Zero."

"What...?"

"Not a single pony left. We all came here because we were missing something in our lives. Maybe we all thought your vision of equality was it, but after you escaped, we realized what we were all looking for; each other. We got to know each other all over again, and we've made some of the closest friends we've ever had right here. That's what our Sunset Festival is, and why we invited you to our second one. In a way, it's thanks to you, Starlight. When the sun sets on one horizon, it dawns on another."

Starlight wiped her eyes again.

"I'm so... So sorry. I know I keep saying that, but-"

"No buts," Double Diamond began. "Keep saying it. To me, to anyone else here, to Princess Twilight, to yourself... However many times you need to. Whatever you need to say or do to make peace with this part of your past and move towards forgiving yourself."

Starlight recalled Princess Luna's words, and something inside clicked.

'I was unable to do it alone. Do whatever you must to relieve yourself of your guilt and make peace with your past.'

"It's going to take more than a string of 'sorrys' to fix this. Double Diamond, you can help me. Come on!"

Starlight began galloping down towards the southeast mountain, and Double Diamond quickly gave chase behind her up the path to the vault cave. She fired up an illumination spell and rushed in, and Double Diamond had to double-time it to keep from falling into the dark. Together, they skidded to a halt in front of a location that hadn't been visited in over a year; the Cutie Mark Vault.

Countless shards of glass littered the floor in front of the vault and all around the pedestal. The magical grid had vanished as well. All that remained on the wall was the iron frame. In front of the wall, on the ground among the glass, was her Staff of Sameness. Clearing away the glass in front of her, she walked forward, bent down, and took the staff in her front hooves. Then, looking up at the remnants of the vault, her horn lit up brighter as she took hold of the iron frame, and began to pull. The intensity of her horn's glow increased such that Double Diamond had to shield his eyes with a hoof. There was a horrible creaking noise as the frame began to loosen. It bent and twisted as Starlight concentrated harder and harder to wrestle it free from the corners. Finally, with one last earsplitting creak, it came loose, sending dust and pebbles down from the cave roof as the frame came crashing down to the limestone floor.

Starlight gasped for breath as she saw the top piece of the frame had detached from the sides. She took a deep breath, and lit her horn up again, using her telekinesis to pry and tear at the frame. Firing a heat beam at it, she twisted and intertwined it around the double prongs of the Staff of Sameness. When she was done, she had combined the staff and half of the top of the iron frame into a large, somewhat unwieldy pickaxe, though Double Diamond believed it could also easily pass for a terrifying scythe.

"What are you going to do?" He asked her.

"There's a dark magic in this wall. I used it to build the vault. With your help, I can destroy it and dispel the energy within, so no one else can do what I did."

"How can I help? I don't know anything about magic."

"No, but to make sure this doesn't break," Starlight said, leaning the improvised tool against the central pedestal, "I need to put a powerful enchantment on it. So powerful that when it's done, I won't have the energy left to magically lift it on my own. I'll need the strength of an Earth pony to help me swing it hard enough to shatter the wall."

Double Diamond thought for a moment, then nodded.

"Just let me know when you're ready."

"I won't be able to promise your safety, Double Diamond. I can't be sure of what will happen when we break through. We may have to get out of here in a hurry." She warned.

"I told you to do whatever you have to. I told you I would help. I had a hoof in convincing a lot of other ponies to stay in Our Town over the years, to accept your vision. I'm not going anywhere." The white stallion said confidently. Starlight smiled at him, touched at his dedication.

"Alright."

She turned to her staff-turned-pickaxe, and closed her eyes, and her horn came to life again. She took a deep breath as smokey motes of light traveled from the tip of her horn to the frame that made up the blade.

"Da mihi vires,
ad finem dolor,
ex hoc loco,
muro frangere,
quæ continebat,
innocentes animarum.
Peccata mea sunt,
sic non repetitur hoc loco."

To Double Diamond, Starlight reciting her enchantment didn't appear particularly taxing, but sure enough, when she finished, and the magical energy was finished transferring, her horn flickered, then went out completely, and Starlight faltered on her hooves. He ran up to her and made sure she didn't fall over.

"Okay, it's ready." Starlight said. Indeed, the entire thing was glowing with sickly purple energy now, and together, they dragged it so it was directly in front of the rock wall that had made up the grid of the vault. Double Diamond got his two front hooves around the bottom of the staff, and Starlight put one right above his, and the other further up. They nodded to each other, brought the axe up, and swung it vertically at the wall as hard and as fast as they could, and it met with a clang. A few pieces were chipped away, and they pulled it out and swung again. Dust and granulated limestone fell on the two ponies from the ceiling as the cave began to shudder, and still, they didn't stop. To keep up her strength and determination, Starlight began yelling and screaming with every swing, while Double Diamond merely kept to short grunts.

Finally, after a full two minutes, their next swing broke through to... Something... And a blindingly bright white light shot out through the cracks, which began to expand through the entire wall.

"Come on, let's go!" Double Diamond said. Together they dropped the staff, and turned and ran as the cave shook violently. They barely made it past the center pedestal when the wall's thrums of energy dramatically increased in pitch, and Starlight turned to look, just in time to see the wall explode outward in a flash of light.

The last thing Starlight felt was a warm wetness on her forehead, and heard a muffled Double Diamond scream her name.

"Starlight!!!"

Author's Note

Just so no one goes off to Google Translate (which is notoriously unreliable for Latin translation) to wonder what in Celestia's name Starlight's enchantment was, here is a rough translation taken from a variety of translators:

"Give me the strength to end the pain from this passage.
To break the wall that contained innocent souls.
So that my sins are never again repeated in this place."

Translating English to Latin for simpler, 1-3 word phrases for magic like in "Every Little Thing She Does..." isn't terribly hard, but that was a freaking headache.

Thanks for reading, and just one more to go. Hopefully. Splitting up longer chapters is a curse of mine.

Peace

Nearly the entire population of Our Town was awakened by the earthquake that rocked the entire area for nearly two minutes. After everything settled down, they started checking the buildings for any structural damage, of which there was none, and did a head count. Everypony was accounted for, save for one; Double Diamond. After checking his cottage and finding nothing, the overall concern began to rise.

"Look, up there!" Night Glider pointed up to the southeast mountain. In the moonlight, they saw a cloud of dust rising from the vault cave. Together, Party Favor, Night Glider, and Sugar Belle galloped up the path. When the cave came into view, they saw that it had completely collapsed; a pile of rubble now poured out of where the entrance used to be. Double Diamond stood in front of it, and when they saw who was in front of him, they came to a stop behind him.

"Double Diamond!" Party Favor called out.

He glanced back at them, then immediately back to the unicorn who laid unconscious on the ground in front of him. While he had a few scrapes, she was considerably worse off. He was holding his scarf against her head, and slowly lifted it to see if the red gash just to the right of her horn had stopped bleeding.

"Is she alright? What happened?" Sugar Belle asked.

Starlight began to stir, and her eyes fluttered open. She felt herself on a wooden floor, and lifted her head to see where she was.

The Equalization Cottage.

Getting a hold of her fear, she glanced back at her flank, and saw her cutie mark. She turned towards the locked door with fierce determination in her eyes, and charged her horn. A purple-white beam of crackling energy surged forth and disintegrated the door, and she charged forward through the smoke, leaping out onto the dirt of the main street. She saw the other Starlight angrily turn towards her, and charge up her own horn. A purple hazy smoke surrounded her and the other unmarked villagers.

The two Starlights both fired off magical beams at each other, and they met and clashed in the middle of the street.

"There will be equality. You can't stop it!" The other Starlight snarled.

"No. There won't be. You are not me. Not anymore. And you are not my friends. Loving one another and serving each other with our unique gifts; that is how we are all equal!"

Slowly, Starlight's beam overtook the other's, and upon impacting, the entire area exploded in a white light, and Starlight shielded her eyes. She stood there for several moments, before she lowered her hooves and found herself standing in an endless expanse of white nothingness.

"You did it, it is done." A regal voice said behind her. Starlight turned to see Princess Luna coming up to her side, a very small, purple smokey, hazy orb next to her. It calmly floated forward, and melted back into Starlight's barrel.

"I did it? So that thing won't bother me anymore?" Starlight asked, as she looked down where it had entered her chest.

"No more than normal. You may wake up with a bit of a headache, but yes, you did it. The dark magic behind your vault is gone."

Starlight let out a breath of relief.

"Thank you so much, Princess Luna."

"I merely pointed you down the path, Starlight. You had to walk it."

"So... What now?"

"Now, you can get a good night's sleep." Luna smiled.

Starlight wasn't sure what woke her up first; the sunrise shining through the window, or the throbbing on her head.

Giving out a groan, she announced her awakened state to the four ponies in the cottage with her.

"Take it easy, Starlight, You took quite the hit on the head." Double Diamond told her.

Sitting up in the bed she had been put in, she looked over to the full length mirror, and saw that the right side of her head had gauze wrapped around it.

"What happened?" She asked, softly touching a hoof to it.

"When the wall exploded, you got hit with a chunk of rock. You're lucky it missed your horn. I was able to drag you out of there right before the whole place came down." Double Diamond said.

"Yeah, who knows what you would have done if you lost your horn in a cave." Night Glider quipped.

"Thanks for getting me out of there, Double Diamond."

"We should be thanking you," Party Favor replied. "Every unicorn in town sensed the dark magic in that place, but we never knew how to deal with it.

"Thanking me...?" Starlight repeated, taken aback. "I was only fixing my mistake, making it so no one else could find and use the dark magic in that wall, so I could sleep at night. You shouldn't be thanking me."

"Yes, we should. You've owned up to your mistakes, and then some. Like I said earlier, it's because of you that we're all here. You brought us all together here."

Starlight got nods all around from her first four villagers, and she gave them a smile as her eyes teared up again.

"Now, I don't think you should use your magic to go anywhere until that wound is healed, and the first train to Ponyville doesn't leave until noon. So let's get some breakfast, what do you say?" Sugar Belle suggested.

Starlight wiped her eyes, giving her a nod.

"Alright. That sounds great."

She got up, and together, the four of them left Double Diamond's cottage out onto the main street of Our Town, and began trotting towards Sugar Belle's bakery. The dust from the cave-in had finally settled, and Starlight never noticed before how beautiful the sunrise looked as the first rays of light came over the mountain.

"By the way," Party Favor began. "Our third Sunset Festival is next month. Please don't make us bother sending out an invitation. You're always welcome."

Starlight smiled.

"I wouldn't miss it."