Being a cactus was cool. No one to answer to, no water to really drink, and just a beautiful sun to seduce with it's free-willed body, eternally stuck in a suggestive pose toward nature with the mind-altering question it silently asked, "Am I pretty enough?"

"Tartarus yeah, you is." Jaeger's eyes were lidded sensually, flicking a hoof playfully at the inanimate cactus resting before him, a few seconds walk away from the main trail towards Dodge City. "Say, baby, how 'bout you an' I skadaddle outta 'ere.." He trailed off, looking towards the sky with suave movements, expertly and discreetly wrapping his arm around the main body of the cactus. As evident, cactus are cold creatures at heart, as the damn plant pricked his chitin, causing a quick yelp from him and a hostile stance from him. No longer lidded sensually, rather angrily. "I treat ya ta fine dinna, and you's gonna do this?!"

The cactus stared at him without any lively response.

Jaeger blinked, cocking an invisible brow as he slowly re-positioned himself to weighted caution. "Riiiight, you's a cactus. You got your roots 'ere. I get it, you dunna wanna spoil dat. Aight, I see you, I see you." He nodded up and down in faux comprehension, his mind hissing all types of insults towards the plant before he promptly turned around. Looking pompously over his shoulder, as if expecting a cactus to grovel at his hooves to come back. No response. He huffed, looking ahead with his snout high as he spoke with a cheesy tone, "Yeah? Well, you ain't gonna find no pony like me evah again!"

The cactus did nothing, except shake for a half second due to the sudden cold winds, prompting Jaeger to shiver slightly. Joke's over, he's gotta get to Dodge City. "Your ma's fat!" He exclaimed over his right shoulder as he adjusted the bindle on his other shoulder. He snorted in defiance as he walked away, his snob-angry face retreating it's form into a more depressed facial expression. The dirt crunched underneath his calloused hooves with each step as the winds grew more defiant of nature's gentle sways.

"Yeah, nevah gonna find a kinda guy like me."

"You'd think they would try for an advance, maybe?" A feminine voice broke out, Jaeger's eyes shooting open followed by a firm shake of his head. A dream of being defeated by Chrysalis's idiots and reduced to a complete blubbering fool rather than a somewhat blubbering fool? Reduced to some sort of sick comedic joke for entertainment of readers?! Preposterous in it's own right. Nice funny hallucination, brain.

Dawn in the Badlands, during the bitter winters. The Badlands ironically held one of the more harsh winter times, being topped by the obvious north, and other selective places on the continent. Standing atop a small watchtower out in the 'Frontier' of these terrible lands, it was also a bitch for loveless soldiers. Assigned in this area was a death sentence should any enemy perform an assault; an assault Jaeger should've saw coming.

The land was layered with a barely noticeable trace of frost, the dirt twice as more difficult to dig into this year around, evident by the small fifty-stallion garrison below them desperately trying to dig into the dirt with picks and spades, both equal in the odds of shattering. Ahead of them, a horizon. A horizon of flat hills that would be terrible for them should the enemy attack with artillery.

The kind of artillery one might find themselves soiling in their pants or down their legs at the new and improved relations that was being absolutely pillaged and wrecked by some pussy ass machine waving the bird way out of reach. Oh, and the fish was okay too, since you, the selfish audience, didn't even bother noticing.

Jaeger glanced down at his hoof, seeing the sudden fish stick in his grasp before blinking. He confusedly lifted it towards his mouth, taking a sharp half of it into his jaws with a quick bite before chewing. Huh, it was okay. Jaeger's gaze glanced left, and then right, and then forward. Nothing to protect the ones below them, and nothing to save them if they were directly hit with a large object, or if the supports fell. Barely any supplies to begin with, too.

No wonder he thought of this outpost as a skeleton crew's post.

Damnation was all he felt like he was cast to. "No pony attacks here," they said, "you'll just be freezing and acting as reserves if other lines get pushed on," they assured. He harumphed to himself, finishing his fish stick before whipping his head confidently. It was DAMN good! Fuck you, audience!

What was he thinking about, again? Oh, right.

Jaeger shifted his gaze towards the voice, a fellow soldier like he. Chest plate outlined with the embryo goo for extra reinforcement, with two columns of seven rings of chainmail stretching down the Changeling's ribcage, ending at their flanks, where a skirt of leather and smaller chains lay, covering their entire backside. Their helmet was basic, encasing their entire head besides their fangs and nostrils, and of course their eyes.

He would've laughed at his comrade if he wasn't freezing due to being the one lacking fur clothing, unlike what his fur-caped compatriot was wearing. Planting the base of what the inventors called 'repeating crossbows', he commented as he glanced at her, a female 'ling. "Yeah? Nice wish, rookie. They try in d'summer." His natural smugness knew no bounds as he grinned triumphantly at some invisible competition.

"Wouldn't hold my breath for that, Jae."

"Can't breav in th'damn helmet, anyways."

A small chuckle came from Jaeger's little tower companion. "Fifty bits they'll come in the fall." Jaeger glanced back, his eyes narrowed from under the helmet, "Don't jinx it, ya goof," he threatened. "You don't know these lands, dey got's lotsa stuff. Dead things, deader things, deadest things.."

"Okay, okay, how 'bout next winter-"

"Ice it, okay? Jeez Louise, it's like y'wanna get bent or somethin'."

"Bent?" His comrade asked, only to receive a curt response from Jaeger. "Killed. I thought you knew upper-comb boys like me." There went that conversation, if one wanted to call it that. His companion went quiet, not a single word protruding from her mouth. He opened his jaws, licking his frozen lips before looking over to her, before something caught his eye. Wait what!? More than something! A flicker on the horizon! Jaeger's eyes snapped towards the sudden intrusion on the beautiful sunrise, swirling his hoof at his companion before swinging it towards the edge of the hill in front of them, at least a five minute's walk away. "Saw somethin'. Get th'guys on their weapons, yeah?"

"The name is Cauli." The female 'ling said, grabbing the top of the ladder with a soft thump, "Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah, cool. Cauli hop on this dick, while you're at it. Get it? Could you, Cauli- fuck you." Jaeger responded quickly, his entire personality etch-a-sketch'd into that one ramble. Narrowing his eyes even more on the horizon to get some sort of unspoken focus. A quick swish of a rectangular thing's upper edge. It slowly became more pronounced as it revealed itself with each second from up to down. The flag of Chrysalis.

"COMPANY IN D'FORM OF A BITCH!" Jaeger shrieked, pointing towards the hillside gaining an extra layer of Chrysalis flags and enemy Changeling armies. Jaeger only had a single thought as he quickly readied the repeating crossbow, essentially the same shape of a crossbow exception of some sort of miniature barrel storage component crafted onto the side, with an intricate system of strings and wood as well as metal to continually feed the crossbow once the trigger is pulled and held.

One thought.

.. Fuck. Did I leave the stove on at home?

"Random flashback, but I'll take it." Jaeger tapped his noggin appreciatively, the outline of Dodge City just on the horizon. He sat atop a hill, a sign planted just besides the trail that, with all acceptance of a catholic priest allowing a child into his chambers, stepped up towards that read proudly and boldly.

DODGE JUNCTION WELCOMES YOU FROM THE BADLANDS INTO GOODLANDS!

The sign was certainly in better condition than the first one. And the name seemed updated, too.

Jaeger bent his arms slightly as he read over the sign with a curious eye. "That fuckin' motto was so cheesy I could taste the liquid shit- oh lickety-split-shit they did a slick name change on me! Pulled a fast one, they did." He poked the new and improved 'junction' word on the sign, nodding up and down enthusiastically at the revelation. "Wonda how many chicks th'boys hadda sleep with t'get this betta name." Jaeger pondered aloud, lifting his body to step past the sign before continuing on his merry way, the bindle juggling up and down with the descending steps.

A loud click resounded as Jaeger took his fifteenth oblivious and uncaring step forward, prompting him to halt like some sort of minority told he was found guilty of all felonies, and looked at the ground. A metal sheet poorly disguised into the ground that held a faceless, smug position that stared back up at him. A larger rectangular outline immediately cut itself out of the ground ahead of him and around him. A hidden IED-- he means slingshot plank-thing.

"Aight." He chose his words carefully at this new realization that he was exponentially fucked, alongside his healing injuries, as well.

And so the poor bastard was flung like last week's lunchable into the trash of where he came from - the Badlands once more.

Author's Note

slam jam ramadan, ensuring this minor setback will bring up an amazing plot, no not the pony sexual organ that you fools terribly remark as, i mean come on why "plot" it ruins casual conversation. "plot of land" "y'see that plot o' food dude sick crunches man"

vagina works. what was i thinking again

oh right, here's this chapter to commemorate a quick segment that'll segue into an actual story, enjoy it folks