You are Anonymous, and you have been living in Ponyville for a couple of weeks now.
You have a few errands to run but it's still early in the afternoon, so for now you're content with simply walking around, enjoying the beautiful scenery. While the little horses that inhabit this land are sort of weird, their world is undeniably beautiful.
The air is pure, it always smells nice... basically the opposite of your former life in a large, busy city.
You're stirred out of your thoughts by an impossibly high pitched voice.
"Hiya Nonny!"
"Ponk," you acknowledge the pink mare.
"Say, Nonny, have you seen a baby blue vibrator lying around by any chance?"
"A vibrator?"
"Yeah, I lost mine."
"You lost your dildo," you assess flatly. "Outside."
"Yeppers!"
"..."
"So, have you seen it?" she starts twitching.
"...no."
"Darn," she pouts. You simply stare.
"See you later or something," you blurt out before walking in the opposite direction.
You don't dislike Pinkie, but she's far too weird for you. Weird even by Equestrian standards.
You start humming to yourself, trying to ignore this unwanted interaction as you walk into town.
Casually strolling through the park, you spot a small cute pony hiding in a cardboard box, sobbing weakly. This piques your curiosity as you get closer, wondering what kind of hell that poor little thing must have been going through.
Before you can reach the box, a stallion pops out of nowhere and begins to speak with the little pony.
Your heart breaks as you see her trying to back as far away as she can from the comparatively imposing figure. You decide to take action, poking the stallion's head with a finger.
Before he can say anything, you jab him between the eyes with that same finger. "Screw you," you say flatly, now pointing your finger at the horizon, "you're going home."
"Hey," he protests, "you can't ord-"
"Screw you," you repeat more sternly, "home."
"But I-"
"RESPECT MY FUCKING AUTHORITY!" you shout, causing him to yelp and run away in fear.
Truth be told, your authority is respected by most. Mostly on the account of being twice the size and four times the weight of the average pony, and nearly fully immune to magic. Not even Celestia can hurt you, you can still remember her cowering glare after she realized that.
You appeared in this land in a lush field, a large castle looming in the distance as you took in your surroundings. Before you could process exactly what was going on, a flock of tiny guard horses had you surrounded.
You freaked out, and they tried to contain you. The keyword being tried.
You tossed them around like ragdolls, all the while shouting about dying stars, black holes, the afterlife and virgins.
Celestia intervened to stop you but her magic failed to have any effect on you. She recoiled in surprise (and a great deal of fear) when you started to calmly approach her, a hand tentatively raised.
There was something soothing about her presence.
She relaxed once you began to pet her, repeating that she was a pretty pony.
Granted, your actual words were closer to 'holy shit you're a fluffy fucking horse goddamn this feels amazing fuck', but the message was the same.
The Princess and you remain good friends to this day, even though the last time you saw her, she basically begged for you to give her a wing massage. The way she was panting at the end left you a little uncomfortable.
Once again breaking out of your reverie, you kneel down and inspect the little homeless horse. She points to a side of the cardboard box and upon looking at it, you see something scribbled on it.
You frown. Hard.
"W-what, um... what service would you like?" the little pony asks, her feminine voice shaky and weak.
There is not one single aspect of this situation that sits right with you. Her face is matted with tears and her body with sweat, her long unkempt mane barely reveals her red and puffy eyes, and she's shivering.
"How much for a hug?" you propose, trying your hardest not to just grab the box, bring the little pony home and-
"A h-hug?"
"Yes. You look like you could use one right about now."
"I... I don't know... one bit?"
Yeah, fuck it.
You're gonna do this.
"Look, how about... I give you twenty bits, and in exchange, you come with me?"
"B-but sir, it's fifty bits for-"
"No, no. We're not going to do that. I'm gonna give you a hot bath, a nice meal and a warm bed."
"W-why?"
"Because sad pone is worst pone."
She doesn't seem too convinced but before she can reply, you grab her by the barrel, causing her to release a yelp of surprise. You bring her close to your warm chest, holding her tightly in your arms.
"There, there, little pony. It's gonna be all right. Things are going to be fine," you reassure her, stroking her mane as you walk back to your place. Screw those errands, surely Rarity can survive an extra day without 'chartreuse', whatever the fuck that even is.
As you enter your home, you lock the door and make a dash for the bathroom, dropping the dirty little pony in the tub. You turn the water on and begin to strip down to your underwear.
The look on her face tells you that she fully expects you to... goddammit, you didn't think about how the situation would appear to her. Time to remedy that.
You jump in the tub with her, holding her between your legs. She begins to relax as you wash her. You knead her tense muscles with your fingers, causing her to let out a low moan. You lather her coat and mane with shampoo, hugging her gently throughout the whole thing.
Eventually you rinse her off, dry her off (it only took five towels) and comb her mane.
You bring her in front of the mirror and she stares in awe, her now gorgeous eyes barely believing what they see.
"T-that's me?" she asks.
"Sure is," you smile.
"But I'm not... I'm not ugly?"
"No you're not. You're beautiful."
"No, I'm..." she trails off, her stomach rumbling loudly.
"Hey, you hungry? I could make you something to eat if you want."
"If that's not too much inconvenience, I, um, wouldn't mind some food."
"Sure thing," you walk out of the bathroom with your new little friend in tow. "Something in particular you'd like?"
"I, um..."
"What?"
"You know, there are animals that, uh... like, eat, you know..."
"Meat?" you suggest.
"N-no!" she stutters. "I meant, fish..."
"Oh, so you're a pescatarian then?"
"A pasta what?"
"You eat fish but not meat. Correct?"
"Y-yeah... I'm sorry, you probably think I'm a freak..."
"Hey," you kneel down to her level, opening your mouth and pointing at the row of relatively sharp teeth. "What do you think those are for, other than tearing flesh off a bone? Humans are omnivores, we eat just about everything that can be eaten."
"So could you cook some fish?"
"Sure, I'll whip something up for you."
You open various cupboards, grabbing all the stuff you'll need. Albacore tuna, green onions and various condiments.
With a fork, you roughly 'spread' the tuna in a large plate before adding the onions, sliced into small pieces. You add salt and pepper, and a generous amount of olive oil. You wrap things up with a bit of lemon juice, grabbing some bread and walking back to the table.
Cutting two slices, you put the tuna and onion mix on them, spreading it as evenly as you can.
"There," you hand her her 'sandwich'. "Came up with this a while ago, it's cheap, delicious and nutritive."
"Thank you," she says weakly, biting into her meal. A few seconds later, she swallows and lets out a contented hum. "Woah, this is really good!"
"You bet your ass it is."
"M-my ass?"
"Nevermind, it's a human thing."
"Human?"
"Oh, right. Me, I'm a human."
"Oh," she takes another bite, "I was wondering about that... I had never seen a creature like you before."
"Yeah, I'm not from this world."
"You're not?"
"Nah... wanna hear my story?"
"If you don't mind."
"Sure."
You begin to tell her your tale, even though you don't really remember all that much, except for the events leading up to your 'death'.
The Earth had gotten noscoped by a gamma ray burst and everything and everyone was slowly dying, the deadly solar radiation now free to punch through the mostly depleted ozone layer. Not wanting to go out like a bitch, you had bought a plane ticket to Syria and managed to find some explosives.
The irony of a white atheist detonating himself in a crowd of praying muslims wasn't lost on you that day.
And then you woke up in a field with a huge castle in the distance, in a world filled with small, sentient ponies.
The homeless mare stares at you for a good five minutes, before she asks what you can already tell is going to be her only question.
"...what's an atheist?"
"Someone who doesn't believe in god."
"In what?" she raises an eyebrow.
"Yeah, see? That's atheism," you 'explain'.
She just shrugs, going back to her food.
Later that night, you're lying in bed next to the (no longer homeless) little pony, hugging her and sighing happily in her warm chest. She smells like orange blossom... manliness be damned, you'll never shop anywhere but at the Ponyville spa for hygiene products. It doesn't hurt that the two mares who run it are unbelievably hot, but they get enough attention as it is. This lonely little mare in your arms, however, does not, and that has to change.
"S-say," she asks in her usual shy tone, "are you sure you don't want a hoofjob?"
Right, you need to talk to her about that.
"Listen," you say in a fatherly tone, "how long have you been doing this?"
"I never did... you're my first, um, client..."
"What happened?"
"I was kicked out of my home because I couldn't pay the rent. It's not my fault, how can I keep a stable job without a cutie mark?"
"I don't know, this whole special talent thing doesn't exist in humans. Most of us aren't particularly good at anything, we just kinda... get by, I guess."
"So you don't always enjoy your work?"
"The vast majority of people hate their work, but it pays the bills. I mean, shit, what's a nigga gon' do? Shit's real out there, cuz."
She raises a confused eyebrow.
"Anyway, I have plenty of food and could stand to lose a few pounds myself, so you're more than welcome to stay here for as long as you need."
"R-really?"
"Sure. Plus, you're cute, I'd like having a cute pony around."
She blushes hard.
"Say, um, mister..."
"Anonymous. Anon, for short."
"Mister Anon, am I not attractive?"
"Why would you ask that? Of course you are," you smile, petting her mane.
"You found me, you read the services I, um, provided... but instead you just wanted a hug."
"I love hugs, and you looked like you could use one."
"It certainly feels nice..." she rubs her head against your chest, breathing deeply.
"I never had sex with a pony, and I sure as hell wasn't gonna use you like that."
"Am I not pretty enough?"
"You're pretty as fuck."
She starts crying and you mentally slap yourself.
"It's a compliment! I know sometimes my language is weird to ponies, but I assure you it's a compliment."
She sniffles loudly, her tears subsiding. "S-so 'as fuck' means very?"
"Something like that, yeah."
"Thank you as fuck, Anon!" she cries into your chest. As for you, you're trying hard not to kek audibly. "I'm so lucky you found me..."
"I'm lucky I found you, actually," you point out. "I've cuddled with ponies before but this is some next level snuggling. God, you're so warm and soft."
"Thanks, it feels so good... I hadn't had a hug in so long..."
"Hm," you barely acknowledge, lost in the fluffiness that is her chest.
"You know, I'm a v-virgin..."
"What the hell."
"I..."
You let out a chuckle. "Boy, you really didn't think that one through, did you?"
"N-no... I'm so lucky you found me as quickly as you did."
"I guess. Say, you ever had a kiss before?"
"No..."
A hand in her mane, you gently press your lips against her muzzle in a chaste but tender kiss.
"Now you have," you ruffle her mane.
You bring her closer to you, snuggling deeper against her unimaginably soft fur. Maximum comfy.
"Only hugs now," you promise.
"iloveyou~"
"What was that?"
"N-nothing... good night, Anon."
"Good night, cute little pony."
"I have a name, you know."
"Yeah but you didn't tell me what it was. So for tonight, you are cute little pony."
She closes her eyes, sighing in happiness. "I think I'm fine with that."
