Poor old Celestia. Alongside dealing with all of her undeserving subjects on a daily basis, arguing with her sister about whether sunrise or sunset was better and having to devour copious amounts of cake just to take the stress away, the poor alicorn was completely dog-tired.
But how does an eternal being, who's hardly ever had a day's sleep in her entire life, manage to drop off? Celestia had no idea. She'd tried closing her eyes, staring at the wall for hours, even bashing herself over the head repeatedly with blunt objects, but none of these useless plans worked. Or even, left a scratch. You'd think she was mega-powerful, or something. Weird.
Then, she had a simply smashing idea. What if... she induced a nap herself? Surely, there had to be something in her big book of spells that could facilitate such a minor occurrence.
If Twilight Sparkle's hare-brained student could swap her and Luna's Cutie Marks around, surely she could perform such a simple feat as giving herself some well-earned rest. It should be totes easy!
Rising from her throne, she immediately cancelled all of that day's appointments. The courtiers flustered and blustered about, not too sure why the usually workaholic mare had abruptly decided to ditch her responsibilities, but frankly she didn't care a jot. Bwhahahaha!
Celestia's first proper day off in eons was far more important than kissing foals, improving foreign relations or attending boring meetings designed at keeping the fabric of society together. In her totally unbiased opinion, anyway. Besides, she was in charge, and if anypony disagreed she would simply have them executed. Or sternly reprimanded, at the very least. She was feeling extraordinarily generous today.
Celestia journeyed to a disused tower and crept inside an old grotto which was so forsaken, even the spiders had seemed to evacuated the premises. The abandoned cobwebs entangled themselves in the alicorn's mane as she ventured within, knowing as she did that her mission would take her to a side drawer containing an ancient tome of unimaginable power...
"Let's see... eliminate all known and unknown diseases? Nah! Eradicate all Changelings from the face of the world? Hmm... good job we won't need that one anymore! Mix up the title of every book in Equestria? Hmm, not quite what I had in mind, but I bet Twilight will get a kick out of this! Think I'll save it for later." Celestia perused the antiquated volume carefully, skipping through page after page, blowing dust from each one in turn, until finally...
"Yes, here it is!" Her beady eyes clapped onto an illustration of a pony in the merciful throes of sleep, complete with archaic writing underneath. Not many lifeforms could've translated this long-obsolete tongue... but she was Celestia. She could do awesome stuff like that, don't you know. One of the benefits of being thousands of years old, and she didn't even have the wrinkles to match.
Not wanting to nod off in a frightfully dirty, decrepit den, Celestia took her prize back to more suitable quarters, where she reclined on her rarely-used bed and without any further hesitation recited the bygone words as written inside.
Now, some spells might be preceded by anything from an impressive light show to a simple poof of smoke, but this particular enchantment had no such pretentious razzamatazz. As soon as Celestia uttered the final syllable of the last paragraph she went out like a light, conveniently closing the page she was on at the time with her snout, and that was that.
She didn't even snore in the midst of her heavy slumber. What majesty! What class! What...
Zzzzzzzzz.
.....................................................
"We are gathered here today, to commemorate the life of a truly exceptional ruler..."
Ah, now that was a nice nap! Celestia slowly opened her eyes to greet the world again, finally seeing what all the fuss was about. She now felt ready to sign a thousand contracts, declare a million armistices, eat a giant confection with extra frosting and a cherry on top...
"She led us with true grace and dignity for many years, never stinting in her duty and always ready to put others before herself."
Is it evening already? Celestia waved her hoof in front of her face, unable to make out anything but a vague image. She tried to stretch, but was confined by strong walls on all sides which kept her securely boxed in. What the... how long was I out for?! And where in the world am I now?
"It was a shock to all of us to discover her untimely demise, as it was thought for so long that alicorns had eternal life. But, as the old adage goes: 'all good things must come to an end', and I suppose that's truer than anyone of us really wanted to believe..."
Celestia felt distinctly uncomfortable hemmed in as she was, and Luna's annoying speech in the background wasn't exactly helping matters... hang on, did everypony think she was dead?
"Her love, light and laughter will be sorely missed in Equestria, but the last thing my sister would want us to do is mourn forever."
Yes! Yes! Mourn me! Worship me! Lavish me forever! These ponies don't 'get' me at all... Celestia was most disappointed at her sibling's underwhelming soliloquy, and made a mental note to demote her to star duty as soon as this unseemly farce was over. As if being buried alive wasn't bad enough, now Luna was asking the citizenry to forget her own sister?! Treason!
"...So the time has now come to pass the torch, to usher in a new era. We must wipe our tears away and move on with a heavy heart, and I can think of nopony better at filling the vacant role than..."
Things are even worse than I thought! This is outright rebellion! Well, I've got a few things to say about that! Who'd have thought utilising a forbidden book to initiate sleepytime would result in such an irrational outcome? Celestia was on the verge of smashing open the cheap balsa wood of her coffin to confront her treacherous sibling head-on, when...
"Now hold your horses there, pun not intended! I may not have been a princess very long, and even now am still learning the ropes, but surely nopony can deny I have as much a claim to the throne as honourable Luna here? I've helped save the world on at least four separate occasions, while she and her tragically departed sister were sitting around twiddling their hooves, and I have six very reputable ponies and a dragon willing to support my application! Also, I didn't want to mention the elephant in the room, but I think we all remember Nightmare Moon..."
Wait just a second... was that my former pupil, Twilight Sparkle, trying to usurp my position? I never thought she had the cojones. Most interesting. Caught in an odd mood which was a mixture between amusement, bemusement and total outrage, Celestia postponed unleashing her divine fury on all and sundry to listen further, as a certain Princess Of Love decided to add her voice to proceedings next.
"As truly laudable as the achievements of the filly I used to foalsit are, let me reveal the sad truth here and now today: she wets the bed. Surely somepony still doing that at such a late stage of development cannot be trusted to guide the nation? Besides: I, Cadance, have great experience running the entire Crystal Empire: all she's ever been put in charge of is the tiny hamlet of Ponyville, an charming yet obscure region so small it barely registers on the map. Plus, Equestria would have my respected husband Shining Armour as their first king too, not to mention little Flurry Heart here ready to take my place if the worst should happen..."
Wow, things really are heating up now. They might even start coming to blows! Celestia was beginning to get so involved in this developing conflict that instead of bursting out of her box ready to destroy all who dare challenge her dynasty, she instead opened the lid a crack to watch on with rapt attention.
"Goo goo ga ga goo goo!" Apparently Flurry Heart had no intention of waiting so long to take the throne, and flew over to her mother's fetlocks to pull on them in frustration. Soon, Cadence and daughter were joined by a squabbling Twilight and Luna, and then the situation took a sudden turn for the worst:
"So, I can't control my bladder? You can't even control your own foal! She almost caused the destruction of your entire Empire, don't you remember?"
"Gasp! You can't speak to me like that! Shining Armour, tell your sister to apologise to me this instant!"
"E-Erm Cadence, I think it's best if I stay out of this one..."
"Huh! Useless! Still, what should I expect from a stallion who couldn't even tell the difference between me and a hideous Changeling Queen?!"
"Thou all art missing the bigger picture. I happen to be a thousand years older than everypony here, and seniority should always trump everything else in leadership... OW!!"
"Ga ga goo goo ga!" (Translation: "Actually, youth is far more important. Now, excuse me while I nibble on your ear, Auntie Luna.")
Meanwhile, the rest of the guests began to join in, each one loudly expressing their preference for the 'new ruler' while slightly nudging any equine nearby who disagreed.
Typical over-friendly Equestrians, they wouldn't know how to organise a decent riot if they tried. Celestia noted with humour, while also being quite pleased with the massive turn-out for her so-called funeral. Despite that though, this is most entertaining. Think I'll carry on watching for a few more minutes before I break up the fights, throw the perpetrators in jail, put on a ruthless display of force to secure my glorious reign for another thousand years, and so on...
So, in this blessed calm before the storm, and even in these cramped, claustrophobic conditions, Celestia thoroughly enjoyed the predictably polite pandemonium erupting all around her. So much so, that she even conjured up a big bag of popcorn to watch it with.
Caramel soaked, of course. The best kind.
Author's Note
Someone gave me this idea, and I decided to run with it. Hope you enjoyed this strange little tale. Toodles!
