It's spelled with a "V"!

by Archmage Ansrit

Rating: mature
Tags: Doctor Whooves, Romance, Comedy, Flim and Flam, Sex, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 3062

The Flim-Flam Brothers prepare a brand-new, completely honest (for real!) product that can change the lives of anyone. They even got the help of experts! And yet, they still fucked it up. And their partners (literally, though).

The problem with trying to get a national heroine caught up in a scheme or two is that the authorities might, might catch wind of those transgressions.

When those authorities are represented by Princess Luna, alicorn princess of the night and dreams, it becomes less of a "might" and more of "I should consider leaving the country".

She delivered an ultimatum: The next thing (be it a product or a service) they offer absolutely has to perform as advertised as a minimum, and the slightest hint of unethical practices (business or otherwise) shall be thoroughly investigated and severely punished.

(Everypony figures that that is likely "to be sealed in a comet or something for like a thousand years", but they are too afraid to ask).

If anything, both unicorns have a great ability to detect opportunities, think outside the box, and overall business sense; the ability to convince others helps, too, since they needed ponies that actually knew what they were doing.

With the help of such illustrious and skilled equines the likes of Doctor Time Turner Trotsworth Whooves, Vinyl Scratch, Zecora, and many more acquaintances of the princess of Friendship herself, the newest brew by the Flim-Flam Brothers is ready for testing! A cause for celebration with some hard cider!

Too bad they created the wrong potion first.

WARNING: Transgender transformation, a pony waking up with a hangover after being black-out drunk, mentions of pregnancy and the events that caused said pregnancies, bisexual sex, nopony thinking there's anything weird with the arrangements, angry mares threatening to geld Flim, lactation, Flim and Flam considering their life choices, may contain traces of chocolate, fabricated by equipment that also processes peanuts and assorted nuts.

Created for the October 2017 Crackship Clopfic contest, so don't expect any rationality here!

Published 2017-11-01 06:40:06 UTC
Last updated 2017-11-01 06:40:06 UTC

Don't count your chickens before they hatch—OR—don't start drinking before checking you got it right!

Flam's skull felt like it was two sizes too small for the brain inside of it, the bed-sheets were starting to feel a little clammy, and there was this Zacherle-awful aftertaste that just screamed "You turned your stomach inside-out before passing out pretty much right after". With a sharp inhalation (through the nose, obviously), Flam's eyes almost-reflexively twitched in preparation to squeezing them more tightly shut, but Flam's experience with hangovers had managed to get that potentially-painful reaction mostly under control; thankfully, the place was mercifully dark and quiet.

In hindsight, opening the eight bottle of Super-Special Flim-Flam Hard Cider (The Authentic Grandpappy Dodger's Recipe) may not have been a great idea.

Flam groaned as quietly as equinely possible it was for-...

That- that hadn't sounded right. That was not right at all!

Despite the sense of dread, Flam managed to peer at the world once more.

The world seemed to comprise of Time Turner's head with much gentler features. The room may have been dark enough for a hung-over pony's eyes to rest, but there was just too much Time Turner in that face—and a little bit too much of a "this is a mare" vibe than it was comfortable.

With a soft, delicate groan and some girlish mumbling, those enchanting blue eyes opened, making Flam's heart feel constricted for some reason.

"Hello Flam..." She—definitely she Holy Hay—whispered in a pleased tone. "Or should I call you 'Sham' now?"

"What?" The feeling that something sounded off was back—much, much stronger than ever. A hoof trembled as it touched the muzzle of its owner, which was round and bereft of its mustache, and promptly made a quick trip below the sheets and downstairs as the owner's heart started to race and the lungs began to exert themselves more noticeably. That the previous headache had been augmented with a pounding to the heart's beat did little to cloud the hoof's discoveries.

Round. Soft. Round. Round. Soft

Then the hoof reached a lump that had not been there yesterday, with an identical twin right besides.

Everything stopped.

"Flam?" Turner asked reaching a hoof from below the covers towards Flam, who flinched. "Flam, please, what's wrong? You are panicking... why?!"

"W-What, happened?" Flam's very, very feminine voice asked as the hoof made took the plunge into a new area that had not existed befor- a soft huff escaped her as the hoof found a warm moisture, something delicate and sensitive that sent a chill up her spine and forced her to acknowledge the full extent of the reality she had been too startled and anxious to even begin to think about.

"You- you got that drunk?" Time Turner asked, incredulous, but then making a quick count of how may times Flim and Flam had taken the bottles in their merriment... "No wonder you were so empathetic."

Flam simply stared at the spot of wetness that even now sent a warmth through her skin.

A tender touch on her shoulder brought Flam back from the limbo her thoughts had fallen in.

"First of all, you arrived already drunk." Turned said, then frowned delicately. "Both of you, of course, and you had six more bottles of your grandfather's cider with you."

Turner took back her hoof and twirled it a little. "I managed to put aside my opinions on the matter by focusing on the final stage of the preparation. Thirty more minutes after your arrival, the final solution would have been cooled enough to add to the first, so your state was of little consequence. I made sure to remember giving you plenty of water and anti-acids to take some of the edge off the hangover."

"Thank you, but... did we remember to take the final control sample?" Flam then squeezed her eyes shut and sighed. "You wouldn't have forgotten, right. Please, go on."

"Oh, my friend and unofficial assistant, Ditzy, had a very novel idea." Turner replied with a lecherous grin, making Flam blush. "The previous samples may have not been something to remember fondly, but getting a mare with a strap-on to assist..."

The vague memory started to come back, if only in a general sensation of it, making Flam blush as red as her mane.

"No unexpected deviations in the average count, so we proceeded to the next stage of testing. The problems began when I took what I was led to believe was a singular dose, with your inebriated state preventing you from telling me that there was a need to dilute the contents in time, so I took five doses instead." Turner scowled, and Flam thought that she looked cute nonetheless. "And, of course, you took your own dose just as the effects of the dose I imbibed started to manifest."

She was starting to sound actually upset, and the little spike of fear made Flam's headache throb at the base of her skull.

"The potion of fertility we made when you had assured me that you triple-checked with Zecora that it was for virility." Turner growled out the last word, making Flam's coat stand on end. "I was, understandably, equally upset and desperate for a stallion, so even though I desired to geld Flim with my Tesla Coil—since he was going to be the sole unaffected one for purposes of documenting our effects on a regular stallion—I ultimately decided to follow my body and skip right into the phase of the experiments we had planned for the fertility potion. It would have been a shame to... to destroy such..."

A low moan escaped her, and Flam noted that the hoof not on herself was below the sheets. Moving a little.

"We- we had our fun, at least until the changes in you- the chan-... changes started to occur." Turner's hoof was now away from herself, her flushed expression was hot, or so Flam thought. "You took one of my- ah... samples, so..."

The hoof that had been on her shoulder slid down, under the covers, and over her belly.

Kind of hard to miss the implied message.

Flam needed something, anything to do to return to the state of not getting aroused while under sweaty, possibly "fun"-stained bed-sheets- of course!

"I need to take a bath." She blurted out suddenly, her blush finally starting to fade.

"Let us conserve water, then." Aaaaand the blush was back.

Flam—would 'Sham' really be better in her state?—slowly placed herself inside the tub, not sure if she should be grateful towards the pony who owned it, scared of her and her lust, scared for herself and her own lust, or simply aroused and excited that she was going to be a parent from both sides.

Oh, and that she was going to be rich and set for life, along with her family and associates.

A gender-change potion that works in one go, guaranteeing the biological aspect since it was the base purpose of the potion, without dozens of clinic visits and highly-specialized spells just to make sure the other highly-specialized procedures are not screwing up your body something fierce?

With the antidote being pretty much its opposite?

Flam could hear the bits rolling in already, but for some reason they weren't making her happy- making her as happy as she would have expected.

Not to mention Flim was still missing, but most likely just passed out in a late-opening shop when he went out for food before "continuing" their "activities" since Ditzy emptied the good doctor's fridge- pardon, refrigerator. It was endearing, oddly enough.

That Flam, a conpony desiring a quick and easy life, to be feeling so confused by such an honest pony that so willingly offered them aid, helped them with the countless devices and skills at his possession... if Flam had been into stallions when she had been a stallion, Flam might have felt attracted so much earlier than when she got the urges and pheromone receptivity added onto her body.

She was going to be a mother, too. She was carrying Time Turner's foals, and the doctoress was carrying hers and Flim's in turn. There might not have taken the studies yet, but she was almost-completely certain it was multiples she carried, while Turner's incredibly-high dosage all but guaranteed it.

A wisp of breath hit her neck, soft enough—yet almost blazing hot—to make it past the chaos of thought without ending the torrent of arousal by startling her.

Delicately, yet swiftly, a lone hoof traveled from her haunch to her neck, pulling her firmly into a warmth that comforted her and excited her. The smaller mare was still an earth pony, solid, strong, nurturing... She let out a soft moan as Turner nosed her neck, reflexively exposing more of it before she went in the opposite direction to nuzzle Turner, exhaling onto her partner's ear, making her giggle into her, feeding an endless loop of caresses that was cut short of its time by a purple object that entered the corner of her vision.

Now Flam remembered that its brethren of different colors had been used to collect the last of their samples before testing of the potion began. That one in Turner's hooves must have been a spare, then.

No words were exchanged as she slipped one end of the toy inside her mouth, feeling the rubbery edge of the flare with tentative passes of her tongue. The balmy feeling inside and behind her stoked into an outright heat that slowly eclipsed her already-dull headache for dominance of her senses.

Turner's lips touched her own from the side, pushing gently but insistently so that both of them were working the tip of the make-believe stallion that she imagined was gently patting her head, stroking her mane and whispering sweet nothings as Turner broke off the toy and pressed her lips against hers. There was no need for further invitation as she snaked her tongue—clumsily, yet tenderly—around her companion's, whose mouth slowly and soothingly massaged her own inexperienced one.

The tender affections made her feel thousands of times better than when she woke up that morning.

The toy made its way between them once again, breaking the kiss and pushing them apart slightly. The hormonal change may have been firmly in control of her reactions, but it was Flam herself that decided to take as much of it into her body as possible. The artificial flare disappeared, stretching out her throat as Turner guided it gently into her by taking the other end herself. In, in it went, past the medial ring, until Flam's nose met Turner's through the thong it was currently affixed to.

Turner pulled back, taking the toy with her and scraping it across her throat again on the way out, making her gasp for air as soon she noticed her headache had been gaining on her lust from holding her breath so long. It faded back down quickly, thought, as she saw that the end that had been in her was now pointed the other way and given a quick lick by Turner. The earthen mare reared into her hind legs to guide Flam's end into her folds, making Flam's ears burn slightly.

Flam spun around, bending down her fore legs and sliding her tail to the side as two steady, firm hooves planted themselves onto her hips and steadied their master.

An almost-an-afterthought flick of the hoof made the shower start, slowly at first, then, when the cold splash of the trickle of water warmed considerably, another quick flick made the water pour out in earnest as Turner made the final push that made the rubber-coated phallus finally entered her and tear an audible moan out of her as it slid to the bottom, Turner's engorged teats pressing against her rump and sending her imagination further and further into the wild.

Had the circumstances been different, Flam would have remembered that Turner once said something about having installed a heater for the pipe itself.

The first few thrusts were slow and full, allowing the water to wash away the sweat and their tension, making the headache fall down to almost to nothing.

Slowly but surely, Turner picked up the pace, making Flam lower her chest further with each movement back and forth, back and forth, from the desperate longing of emptiness to the satisfying fullness of having their hips connect; each making ripples of fire course through her veins and making her loopy in the gentle touch of the water.

It was not long before she was out of breath, panting and moaning as Turner's rhythm started to become erratic with her own moans making Flam go over the edge with a strike of lightning; her partner's relentless search for her own peak the peal of thunder that followed and echoed through her being as Turner cried out in pleasure—the unsteady half-thrusts making them ride the waves as Flam's rear legs suddenly gave in and made her slip off the strap-on, the warm water flowing over and around her and... and she felt so much better now.

Turner released her grip from the edges of the tub, standing over Flam and slightly out of breath herself, but far from done.

Since Flam would need more rest, she'd have to manage by herself.

Flam, sitting on a couch with an arm resting upon its back, watched with fascination and mild bemusement as Turner shuddered yet again from another orgasm, one hoof grinding a smaller, single-ended anatomically-correct dildo against her lower lips and between her teats, the other operating the small pump that drained them of their contents. She was also sitting over a tray, collecting her leaks to prevent them from getting into the floor.

Flam had already changed the tray three times.

It made her understand why Turner had not simply plucked their heads off like flowers once the changes had finished and she came down from the orgasmic feeling that accompanied them.

It was a miracle she could still function.

The front door opened, and Bonbon's voice called out. "Is anypony home? I have something that belongs to- what's that sme- oh my!"

Flam tore her eyes out of Turner's near-cantaloupes, took her other hoof off her own "apples", and replied.

"Over here, Azure!" And then she immediately realized her mistake as Bonbon's head glared at her from the doorway—freezing immediately upon watching Turner not break her stride as she grunted a "Morning, miss Azure."

"Bwah? Huh?!" She sputtered and babbled as her head tried to restart. "You know?!"

"Bonbon was- huh..." Turner shuddered slightly, but continued like nothing was happening and there was not a mare contemplating planting a hoof through a certain unicorn's skull—or she was not entertaining herself. "The real Bonbon has been with- with the princesses back in- in CanterloOot- hah, hah, due to the la-latest relapse of her 'Secret Agent' delu-delusion! Hahh! For the last three dayYYyys!"

That peak had gotten her to release the toy, but even falling into the tray would not soak it more.

"It was just yesterday that I understood that Ponyville ponies are more attentive than they seem." Flam spoke at the blushing, curious, and vaguely horrified/mortified mare that carried a sleeping Flim into the room—That's where he was! Bonbon's! "They know you have been helping Bonbon apparently since you started, long before even the wedding fiasco."

"I'm still mad that you chose to say 'Look out, a changeling' and point right at me that one day of your daring escape from Baltimare." She closed her eyes and made an effort to ignore the mare switching a full bottle for an empty one and press a bellows-looking thing on the device she was practically wearing. "Well, I see Flim was not joking, and there were some really weird consequences to the potion you two asked my old chitin for. Can't say I have an opinion yet, I'm just going to go back to Bonbon's, lock myself in the basement, and have a small breakdown over the fact that I'm so bad at pretending I'm not a changeling that everypony knows my supposed secret."

Gently lowering the sleeping stallion to the floor, she added. "Certainly explains why ponies give me so many hugs and affection. Whatever, remind Flim that if he pulls another stunt like Baltimare, I'll geld him with... with whatever I have on hoof."

Then she ambled away with a haunted expression.

"Feel free to take a bottle from the refrigerator!" Turner called out. "Consider it an apology!"

"Thanks, I will!" She replied, in what Flam's opinion was the flattest, most emotionless yell she'd ever heard.

Freaky.

Flim began to stir.

"And that's about it." Flim said, still not coming down from his own shock at the results of last night. "I- I don't want my foals to... to have to grow up without me because- because I got sealed into a comet for a thousand years."

"Flim, don't worry." Flam placed a hoof on her brother's shoulder for support. "I am here, and I will always be. We'll go through the straight and narrow—together."

"Thanks, sis." He replied, leaning into the hoof and wrapping it with his.

"I wouldn't say narrow." Turner interjected, pushing Flim down on his back, startling Flam a little, and straddling the stallion. Muzzle-to-muzzle, she whispered. "I'm glad you two feel that way about me, because I am NOT going to let you off that easily after you two dipsticks so thoroughly misused my calculations, my precisely-crafted equipment, and all of those magic circles that Vinyl and Twilight took so long to create."

Flim thought she looked cute, even when scowling.

And a little hot.

"Flam, could you get over-" Taking advantage of a lapse in focus, Turner snagged the unicorn mare and pulled her for a deep kiss, maneuvering her over Flim's face.

She broke it off, and spoke. "This partnership is going to be restructured—thoroughly."

Flim decided that Turner's concentrated dose was going to be more of a boon than a curse.

At least she wasn't going to geld him with lightning.

Author's Note

May turn into an outright story rather than a oneshot, depending on reaction.

This was based on a random-card draw. Blame the hand that was dealt to me.

This one: