(Fan)Fiction Vs. Reality

by Gamer Unamed

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Original Character, Comedy, Starlight Glimmer
Length: 1498

The title said it all.

... But "Reality" is whatever I want it to be.

Rated T for slight gore and strong language.

Published 2017-11-11 14:00:06 UTC
Last updated 2017-11-25 11:53:34 UTC

Chapter 1: The Last Chapter

FICTION

Princess Cadence could barely see the Crystal HeartTM falling from the top of the castle. Though weakened, she was able to spread her wings.

“Almost there”, Sombra thought as he licked his lips, preparing to snatch the HeartTM.

“Whoosh!”. Out of nowhere, a pretty pink princess grabbed the artifact as she flew upwards with incredible speed, Shining Armor had succeeded in throwing his wife away from him ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°).

Reality

“Almost there”, Sombra thought as he licked his lips, preparing to snatch the HeartTM.

“Shunk!”. Out of nowhere, a pretty pink princess stabbed Sombra in the heart with her horn as she flew upwards with an incredible speed.

“Ahhhhh!! His blood is all over me! What the hay, Shining!?”

“Oops! Throwing you from this distance is harder than I thought. Plus, I forgot to calculate your weight.”

“Are you calling me fat!?”

“No! I-“

The Crystal HeartTM broke as it fell to the ground. The Crystal Empire was immediately engulfed with snow. No one has ever heard from them since . . . Except for a few times when everybody can hear a wife scowling at her husband for not respecting her diet choice.

FICTION

The Dick brothers had managed to reach the dungeon. Before them was an enormous door.

“Alright, Harry. Just as we planned: You go open the door and immediately hide behind it while I shoot the monsters inside with the explosion spell I have just finished.”

“Ok, Hugh. Here we go!”, Harry said as he kicked the door open.

Hugh could see at least thousands of monsters inside the room. He gulped but managed to get the spell ready. And then...

“Poof!”

“Huh!? Oh dang, the spell malfunctioned!”, Hugh said, frightened.

“Buck!!”, Harry screamed as he fired his spell towards the monsters. Hugh then proceeded to follow his brother’s action.

They successfully knocked most of the monsters out and hurriedly ran into the dungeon.

“Next time when you create a spell, remember to test it on yourself first!”, Harry exclaimed, out of breath.

“Nun-uh!”

Reality

“Alright, Harry. Just as we planned: You go open the door and immediately hide behind it while I shoot the monsters inside with the explosion spell I have just finished.”

“Ok, Hugh. Here we go!”, Harry said as he kicked the door . . . but the only response was a cracking noise.

“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! Oh sh*t!! Oh sh*t! My hoofs!!! They’re broken!!”

“The buck!? Why in Tartarus did you kick that enormous door!? We’re unicorns. Use your spell!”

“I thought I would look really cool if I managed to do that, Hugh.”

“Horse-apples. It’s not like we’re in a kind of fiction written by our fans or something. Now we have to postpone our adventure because of you, Harry.”

Defeated, the Dick brothers then soon returned to their home, discussing the nature of their weird names.

FICTION

"There is no revenge you could ever conceive of that will come close to what I will exact upon YOU one day, Starlight Glimmer!! "

Chrysalis let herself fall down the hill, spread her bug wings, and flew towards the horizon.

Starlight sighed. "Someday, I will make you my friend, Chrysalis. Just wait", she thought.

Reality

"There is no revenge you could ever conceive of that will come close to what I will exact upon YOU one day, Starlight Glimmer!! "
Chrysalis let herself fall down the hill, spread her bug wings, and flew towards the horizon . . . is what would have happened if Starlight hadn't decided that enough was enough and performed the sickest flying kick Equestria had ever seen, snapping the former bug queen's neck and sent her straight to the afterlife in the process.

"There, that should do it", Starlight smiled.

"Starlight, what the BUCK did you do?", Twilight freaked out.

"Tying up loose ends", Starlight calmly answered, "There's no way I'm gonna wait till Season 11 to reform her."

"... B-but... that's murder! She could have become your friend... your pal... your companion!!!"

"Yeah? Then I suppose you could say that Chrysalis had come down with a bad case of homie-cide :D"

". . ."

"What? It was a killer pun."

". . ."

"That pun was to die for."

". . ."

For hours, Starlight proceeded to come up with new and creative murder wordplay... is what would have happened if Twilight hadn't performed the sickest flying kick Equestria had ever s-

FICTION

At the same hour everyday, Tupar go back to the spot where he ran into Her, hoping that their paths would cross again. But, she never came. Until one day, someone knocked on his door ...

"Hi, Tsipar", She said with a calm yet emotional voice.

"Eroh? How do yo-"

"How do I know where you live? Love always finds a way, you dork."

Tupar gave her a tight warm hug.

" ... I missed you so much."

"I missed you, too."

Reality

"Eroh? How do yo-"

"How do I know where you live? Love always finds a way, you dork."

"Seriously? You can't even give me a proper explanation? [Gasp!!!] Did you stalk me home!?"

"No, dumb-flank. I know your name AND your cutie mark, I can just ask the locals. It's not that hard!"

"Oh ..."

"..."

"So ..... You wanna bang?"

"Buck yeah!!!"

FICTION

“Darn. I could've sworn it'd be at the ice cream parlor, because it was warm in the castle and I thought I wanted ice cream, and— Ooh! Maybe we should check out the Crystal Empire, 'cause Twilight's castle is made out of crystals, so I totally had crystals on my mind.”

“Okay, we better start moving if we want to make it to the Crystal Empire,” said Starlight, still being frustrated by how relaxed Trixie was after making the Cutie Map disappear.

“Are you okay, Starlight? Because you seem a little, uh, what's the word . . . ~bleh”, said Trixie while mimicking a weird gesture.

“Nope. I am great.”, Starlight as she continued to bottle up her anger.

Reality

“Okay, we better start moving if we want to make it to the Crystal Empire”, said Starlight, still being frustrated by how relaxed Trixie was after making the Cutie Map disappear.

“Are you okay, Starlight? Because you seem a little, uh, what's the word . . . ~bleh”, said Trixie while mimicking a weird gesture.
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[Approximately 0.002 seconds later]

“Woah, look! Something strange is flying through the sky with an incredible speed!”

“Hmmmm... Looks like a pony.”

“You mean a pegasus?”

“No, a female unicorn.”

“A unicorn who can fly!? What kind of spell must she be using?”

“I don’t think she’s using a spell, though. From the looks of it, it seems she had been sent flying by some sort of flying kick maneuver, perhaps the sickest one that Equestria has ever seen.”

“Sucks to be her.”

“Still better than breaking your own hoofs for being an absolute moron, though.”

“Would you stop mocking me?! It’s embarrassing enough for me to be carried home by a brother who doesn’t know how to test a spell before actually using it.”

“Shut up!”

“Nuh-uh!”

“...”

“...”

“Have you ever wondered why our names are so weird?”

“Sometimes, I guess.”

“I mean, “Hugh Dick” and “Harry Dick”? What kind of jack-flank would come up with such ridiculous ideas?”

“I did”, the author laughed hysterically as he wrote the remaining lines of his latest fic on the tablet.

Having looked at the final product with pride, he hurriedly ran downstairs and showed it to his brother who was designing a program on a computer.

“So? What do you think?”

After reading for a few minutes, his brother smiled and handed the tablet back to him, “Good job, bro. I think you should write more stories like this in the future”.

That was all he wanted to hear. The author’s heart was filled with happiness as he jumped around the house like a mad man.
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Reality

“So? What do you think?”

After looking at the fic for a few seconds, the author’s brother’s eyes widen, his teeth bare in a rictus grin as he suddenly hits the tablet repeatedly. He threw it down to the floor and spent several minutes continuously stepping over the tablet with tremendous force, absolutely breaking the device. Just as the poor author was beginning to suspect his brother might lunge for his throat, he just picked up the broken tablet and gave it back to the author before calmly stating, “It sucks”.

The author silently left his brother and went to his room. “Maybe I should include this part at the very end of the chapter. A meta joke is always a great way to finish a story”, he thought.

Author's Note

It wasn't.