The Equestrian Anomaly

"So what in high holy fuck are you doing?"

A blonde haired woman, who wore a shiny pair of rounded glasses, sighed and put the pen she was holding to the side. She brushed a hair back, and looked at who dared interrupt her.

"If you must know, Alucard, I'm signing a project to commission a fund to a fairly competent wizard from the united states to open a portal to a recenly discovered dimension." Sir Integra Hellsing replied. Alucard, a self proclaimed "Fuckmothering Vampire" let a smile creep onto his face.

"Oh really now?" he said. "Why the hell would you do that? You know you could've had me do it. I can do shit far beyond your feeble little brain."

Integra groaned and pressed a button on her intercom.

"Please tell me Grandmaster David "Fuck you all"Davidson is here." She said. There was a slight pause on the other end, then a rather bored tone greeted her back.

"Yeah, he just walked out of some wierd portal that looks like the asshole of satan, like, right in front of me." the voice on the other end said.  There was a short sound akin to a thousand terrified babies crying on the other side.

"Hey yo wassup, shitheads?" a very rambunctious voice said on the other end. "Where the fuck this Integra hoe at?"

"In her office somewhere upstairs. All show you th-"

The intercom shut off as a surge of energy rippled through the room, and a vagina shaped portal opened before Integra's desk. Out of the genital shaped portal walked a rather aged looking african american man. He had a white robe reminiscent of a bedsheet on his body, and he wore a thick pair of sunglasses.

"Sup bitches?" He said. "I'm here to help some bitch open up a fucking portal to some shithole dimension."

Integra sighed and stood.

"My name is Sir Integra Hellsing, and I have sent a request to have you help us explore a dimension not previously known to us or anybody." she said. David Davidson laughed heartily.

"Well you called the right guy fo' the job, sir." he said. "Though I don't know why ya'll sent a blind nigga to help you out."

Alucard let an amused grin onto his face and looked at Integra, who only gave him an exhausted look back.

"Well, we need someone to see what is in this unknown world. Where are we going to get some expendable people to go for us?"

Alucard cleared his throat.

"Well, since the blind guy ain't gonna do-"

"No."

"But why?" he whined, extending the "why" for longer then needed.

"Do you want another incident like the one with police girl?" Integra replied. "All I need now is a whole dimension filled with crazy vampire wankers ready to gut everybody in a three thousand kilometer radius."

Alucard huffed and crossed his arms like a child.

"Hey, I got the perfect solution to your little problem." David said. "Look, I'll just pull some poor motherfuckers from other dimensions and send them there to peek that shit for us."

He snapped his fingers and four vagina shaped portals opened behind him.  Each of them looked into various worlds and dimensions. David muttered something about cheese and four large white tentacles bursted from the portals carrying four different people. He clapped his hands and the dropped, rather harshly, to the floor.

"Hey! What the fuck!" A high pitched girls yell sounded from her seated position. The girl looked up, only to see Alucard's best creeper face just inches away from her. She jumped and scooted back towards where the other people were picking themselves up.

"What in Jesus Fuck's name is going the fuck on?!" A surprised sounding man yelled loudly, pointing the assault rifle around the room crazily.

Another man, a bit smaller then the first, streamed a course of expletives in his home language everywhere, and his hands lit up with electricity.

The final person, a woman garbed in strange furs, raised a very large and very dangerous looking sword above her head.

"What in Talos' name is happening!?" she yelled. David Davidson snapped his fingers, freezing all the people in their tracks, leaving a confused and frightened bunch of people standing rather awkwardly in the office.

"Alright, so which one of you bitches wants to go exploring?" David Davidson said. The group of people stared at him blankly. "Alright, it's gonna be all ya'll." He turned and began chanting something to the far left, leaing the group paralyzed by the spell he put on them

Integra walked put her hands on her desk and looked at each of them intently.

"Since we're pressed for time, I'll just give you a brief summary." she cleared her throat. "You are now under a commission by me, Sir Integra Hellsing, to explore a recently discovered dimension we believe may have strong supernatural abilities. You are to go to this dimension for one week to give help us figure out this whole mess. Your countries are proud of you, yada yada yada. Davidson, Are you done?"

"Yep," He responded quickly. "All we gotta do is push these poor motherfuckers into here and let 'em loose."

Quicker then a squirrel on speed, David Davidson lifted the more then confused group with his wizard powers and pushed them towards the portal.

"Oh, and if you fuck up, I get dibs on eating all of you!" Alucard jeered as the group of people fell through the supernatural genitalia.

The portal closed behind them before any of them could react, and the hit the ground with a thump. The first to gain her bearings looked around the new scenery in a quiet fascination. After taking her fill of the trees and such, she came to a conclusion.

"Well........Fuck